"YOU KILLED THE SOUND
REMOVED BACKBONE
A PALE IMITATION
WITH THE EDGES SAWN OFF"

Introduction to some of Hachi's grimy parts. This one will be much shorter than the others.

STSTSTSTSTSTSTSTSTSTSTSTSTSTSTSTSTSTSTSTSTSTSTSTSTSTST

NOTHING EVER FEELS RIGHT (TAKE CARE)

"'Aieee! No Take-kun! I told you I'm not ready for that yet!' Shizuhara yelped out, breasts bursting out of her–"

Okay, I was starting to regret giving Zaimokuza the benefit of the doubt. I sighed and shut the manuscript, leaning back on my chair. It was somehow worse than I expected, an amalgam of every worst hero and iseaki light novel trope. If he was worried about those forum guys, I don't even want to think about how he's going to react after Yukinoshita tears this thing to shreds. I needed a break from this; I stood up from my desk, cracking my back, before laying in my bed.

I rubbed my face; life had been a little bit too busy lately. I was used to getting up and wading through school before getting home and working. But this whole service club mess was starting to take up more and more of my time. It felt weird; it felt wrong. Maybe it's because I'm so used to being by myself; the only person I have spoken to for the past two years has been Komachi, my parents, sometimes too. I wouldn't say that Yuigahama and Yukinoshita were "nice" to me; maybe something akin to toleration. But still, even their talking to me felt weird. They were way out of my league, not even in a romantic way. We were different creatures, like a pair of humans trying to communicate with a circuit board. Yuigahama especially had these strange moments of tenderness, like when she tossed me the cookies, but even still.

I hated nice girls. Yuigahama was a nice girl.

My distaste for them didn't emerge out of some psychosexual hatred for them or a mommy issue or something, just out of experience. I'm an anomaly, something distinctly un-human. I feel as if I'm totally disconnected from my humanity; no matter what I do, I can never connect with others. If Shinji were a porcupine, I'd be a spiky metal ball coated in poison.

I had tried to connect earlier in my life before I accepted my total fate. The people who were nice to me were nice to everyone else, I wasn't unique, but I failed to recognize it. There was this girl, Kaori Orimoto. She was nice, clean, pretty, and friendly, the only things I ever really desired from a romantic interest. She spoke to me every day, and I would text her every night, rolling in my bed like some lovestruck girl waiting for her response. She never did respond; it was always an excuse, 'Sorry, I took a shower and forgot!" or "My phone didn't buzz!" but I didn't care. I didn't even notice it. I was so totally consumed in my fantasy of her that she ceased to even be a real person to me. It was disgusting of me to bring another person to the level of a toy bear that said, "I love you!" when you squeezed it. But I did it. I was so desperate for even a word, a touch, from another person. An acknowledgment that I existed beyond a punching bag to test your insults out on. I confessed to her eventually, and she said no, of course, with a look of 'I want to get out of this situation as fast as possible' on her face. She said it was better if we stayed friends. We didn't say a single word to each other after that day.

That's when I gave up. On myself, on people. The only thing I had wanted was a friend, someone I could genuinely connect with. And every time I tried, I was faced with utter, total humiliation. So I decided to throw the towel in; I accepted my fate. That's why I despised when people showed me kindness, especially people like Yuigahama. She was the exact same archetype as Orimoto: a kind, pretty, slightly ditzy, popular girl. If I got any closer to her or anybody, I knew what would happen; I would start hoping again and get attached. Eventually, she would recognize me for who I was and leave me. That's how it always went.

It's often said that one can only love others when one learns to love themselves. That's what really made me accept my reality. I hate myself, despise my very existence to the core. I was a uniquely, disgustingly twisted individual. I could see nothing in myself that was of any human value. I was a vessel to pull circuits and RAM out of when I finally passed, nothing more, nothing less. I didn't know how Komachi did it; I could barely put up with myself, I couldn't imagine another person having to. She was the last tether, the last soul tying me to this place. Once I knew she was settled in at Sobu alright, I was gone. It got tough sometimes, though; sometimes, that small ember in my chest flickered.

I felt the wetness build up behind my eyes, "Don't cry, Don't cry, Don't cry, Don't cry." I should have just stopped thinking and shut up. The agony builds up so much that it threatens to blow over; even a computer can overheat sometimes. I suck my tongue in, biting down hard on my lip as I breathe slowly through my nose.

In, out.

In, out.

In, out.

In, out.

The thrashing in my chest settled.

I curled into myself, turning my body to stare at the almost wholly set sun.

Not much longer now, not much longer.

STSTSTSTSTSTSTSTSTSTSTSTSTSTSTSTSTSTSTSTSTSTSTSTSTSTST