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I lit a candle over the dining room table. I set out two plates of pasta that I cooked in cream with chicken. Next I poured two glasses of white wine. I let the lights dim and watched the sun set through the big windows to my dorm. The door opened behind me and Weiss walked in. She looked almost like she'd been in battle. Some threads of her hair were sticking up and away from her braid. Her cheeks were a little puffy like she'd been rubbing at her face a little. My dog walked up to her and panted. She abandoned herself and absolutely laid down on the floor and started petting the dog tiredly.
"Long day?" I asked.
"Bite me, Cloud."
"You very rarely let me," I pointed out frustratedly. "What happened?"
"The distrust between Vale and Atlas runs so much deeper than I thought. I'm not sure what I was expecting but it wasn't this bad. People died and have grudges to bear. I have no idea how I'm going to heal these wounds. But it's up to me."
"I'm not a healthy example of letting things go. I tend to be obsessive. I'm not sure how to help you but I am here to lend a hand if you need anything."
"Until you run off again," she shot at me. It was a hit, a devastating attack. There was no real escape from it. I had to face it.
"I'm tired of running. Mother's reach encompasses the entire world. There's nowhere for me to run. And for once I feel like I have some real control. That's not going anywhere. Come sit with me. I made us dinner."
"Smells good," she adorably mumbled from where she buried her head in the dog's fur. I felt strangely flattered to see her act in such an unbecoming fashion. It made my heart ache softly in a pleasant way to watch her flat on the floor holding my pet. We were alone and there was no way she would allow herself to be like this around many other people. But for me she would expose herself if only for a moment. I saw her weak. I saw her strong.
The dog enjoyed her attention as only a dog can. That sort of open and trusting thoroughness and splendor that only a dog being petted can experience.
Eventually Weiss got up from the floor and took a seat at the table.
"I really should leave the cooking to you," she murmured.
"Just follow a recipe. It's easy."
"It's black magic."
"Man, you must really be exhausted. Did the students really let you have it that badly?"
She slowly nodded and took a bite of noodles and chicken. "Like I said, people died when Cinder made her move. It's up to me to fix it. It really should be Ruby. She's all about mending bridges with people."
"She helped bring you and I together," I agreed. "I'm glad that she did."
"How did you two first become a couple?" Weiss asked.
"We just sort of fell into it. Then one day she kissed me and I puzzled it together. She had to really show me. I was so dense. We were probably a couple for longer than I knew. We always got along really well. Plus she was my first friend."
"Back then you liked me."
"I did. And I liked Pyrrha too but I was too fucking stupid to realize that. We used to go out to Vale together all the time and on little runs. I never knew what those really were. I still sort of don't. And I had eyes for you only."
"Why?"
"Are you kidding?"
"Not really. You had Pyrrha and Ruby and all the other girls at Beacon to crush on. Why me?"
I looked Weiss in the eye. The light from the window painted her in oranges, reds, and gold. The way it filtered in made her eyes glow and the colors were only reflected off of her white hair and white and blue dress. The light made the blue seem almost purple.
"You entranced me."
"I was rude to you."
"You were too good for me. You were putting me in my place. I don't blame you for that. I wanted to melt your heart. You were beautiful and talented. It's sort of hard to explain. I imagined you being cold to everyone but me. I wanted to impress you. I felt like if I could actually do that I would be something for real. It would be an actual accomplishment. I could hang my hat on that."
"I was a prize to be conquered to you?"
"Not like that. I wanted to be good enough. To really truly be good enough. And I was confused and new to the world. I had no real experience with girls. And when I looked at you I just thought… I thought 'I want that.' Does that make any sense?"
"In a fashion…"
"You were more than a target and more than a first crush. You stole my attention. You weren't just an object for my desire, you were something real. And if I wanted you to be mine it was only so that I would be something more true. I would have to be real. Not just with you but with myself. You were always honest with me to the point of brutality and I thought if I could really pull it off I would have to be honestly enough. When I saw you I knew that I wanted you."
"But you faked it. You knew you didn't belong at Beacon and all the confidence you tried to demonstrate was a lie."
"But if I had you then I would belong and that confidence wouldn't be fake. And it was only when I let go of that notion and Pyrrha died that I became something else. I became someone real. I won Ruby's heart. I let go. I became a man. I killed Ren and Nora and became awful. Then I got you but by then I had abandoned the idea of being good enough. I thought it would be enough to simply be. Be me. And now I'm left wondering when am I gonna lose you."
"What do you mean?"
"I'm still fake. You'll see through me with time I suspect. It's still a lie. I'm a mirage."
"No you're not. I think I would have noticed if you were still like that."
"When will you see that at my core I'm this awful branch grown away from Darwin's ladder? At the bottom I'm a killer. That's what I am for real. I feel like I have fooled you. You and Ruby both. I'm this strange twisted thing. I'm barely a person. If at all. How will you slip through my fingers? Will I be careless or unkind? How am I going to ruin this? Because I will. I'm just waiting for it. When am I going to lose you? Because I'll deserve it."
"You really think that? I saw you become comfortable in your skin in Mistral. You did impress me. All that fake confidence you tried at Beacon was gone and you really didn't seem to care what I thought about you. You just took action and stepped forward and led the way. You cared about all of us still but you were done lying to everyone and to yourself. It wasn't because you became competent or confident in yourself for real. Though you did both those things as well. That's when I started to see what Pyrrha and Ruby saw. Don't you get it? You're more than your mother's son. That's why I'm not going anywhere. And neither is Ruby. You changed before Mistral."
"I thought if I had you I'd finally stop hating myself but that never happened. I'm tired of me. I'm fucking bullshit. Can't you see I'm still just as full of it now as I was during our first year?"
"But you're not. You're genuine!"
"You actually think that," I realized. "What do you think I am? What am I made out of?"
"You're a person. Made of flesh and blood and you've made mistakes but also memories. I see your struggle. You know that? You can't hide it from me. I see the pain you're in and it makes you real."
"You don't get it. And how can I explain? It's literally all a lie. All of me. And it always has been. Even my power is fake. My semblance is in disguise."
"Your semblance stems from your obsession with pushing yourself. That's who you are actually. You want to hate yourself. You get something out of blaming yourself for Ren's and Nora's death. You blame yourself for Pyrrha dying too, don't you. So what do you get out of it besides being fucking miserable. Because you are. You really don't like who you are and how are you going to change that? I like who you are. Ruby likes who you are. If you beat Salem tomorrow and your whole team came back from the dead you would still find a way to hurt yourself. So why? Why do you do it?"
"You damn well know it's what I deserve. Besides being miserable keeps my Mother at bay. It's how I hold her back from invading my mind. I use weaponized terror. That's what it does for me. And explain to me how it isn't my fucking fault that they all died. Every single one of them."
"Salem invaded your mind for one. There was nothing you could have done. And if you had been there when Cinder killed Pyrrha, you would have changed nothing. You would have just died too. And I'm glad you didn't. I'm also glad that you didn't kill yourself. You matter to me. I like who you showed yourself to be. You haven't fooled me. You revealed yourself and that's who I fell in love with. Yeah, I love Ruby too. But I also really love you. Just not how you despise yourself. You could have everything in the world and you would still be miserable. And I hate that for you. You haven't fooled Ruby and I. Don't you get it? You dumb blonde," she managed to make the final insult endearing and full of venom simultaneously. "Thanks for dinner."
"You're welcome. I would do anything for you. Just a look and I knew I always wanted you. I mean it. I would do anything for Ruby and you. You two are all I have for real."
"You mean that? You would do anything to me?" She asked.
"For you."
"I know what I said," she smirked at me. The tease. "Have our family."
"That's not fair," I protested.
"What's unfair about it. We want you. You want us. What's complicated and unfair about that. You make everything so difficult and it isn't necessary. Haven't you ever had a problem and had somebody else go 'oh it's this,' and they show you and it's obvious."
"All the time," I confessed.
"I'm telling you that you make things needlessly convoluted until you're all tangled up in your worries and obsessions. Not everything is involuted and tortuous. It doesn't have to be this way. So have our family with us. Be a part of our family. Let's give Ruby what she wants."
"And what do you want? What do you want from me Weiss? No bullshit."
"I want two kids. A boy and a girl. I want to love them and raise them with you and Ruby. I want to live close to the rest of my team. I want to help Ruby when she's in over her head with how many kids she wants. That's all I really want. World peace and defeating Salem can hang. Especially world peace. The Gods abandoned Remnant. That's how things should stay."
"I'm not ready."
"No one is ever really ready to be a parent. But I do understand. You have some time afforded to you yet."
"I can't see that project to its end," I went on.
"No good parent wants to," Weiss shot back. She stood and cast her shadow on the walls and floor. It was long behind her and she let her hair down and shook it out in a tide of white. I wanted to grab fistfulls of it and kiss it. I would let the strands run through my fingers like silky water. I stared at her and the light that was still slipping through made her eyes bright. I saw too much reflection in them. Too much of me lived there.
"You have an answer for everything," I accused.
"Just for you."
"How dare you."
She walked over to where I still sat. I looked down at the table. She shut the shutters behind me to the window. And she started to sing softly like an archangel choir. She then leaned down on me. She rested her arms folded around my neck and shoulders and hung on me. Her hair swept forward and across my chest and her face came down parallel to mine. I reached up with one hand and stroked her hair softly. I ran it down her face and touched my thumb to her lips softly while cupping her chin. Even though she was close I couldn't make out the words she was singing. Gods above, her voice was such a turn on.
"Everything has its place," she whispered.
"Even you?" I asked without meaning.
She seized my face in both hands and I balled up a handful of her hair and tugged on it softly gripping close to the root. She moaned into my mouth as we kissed. I leaned back into her and she hovered down onto me as we deepened the kiss. My tongue ran across the pout of her pink lips and she opened her mouth. Like electricity our tongues met with a jolt and ran gently across one another.
Then she pulled back and away from me and I missed her and knew that I wanted her. My mind felt traitorous. I felt relaxed. She seemed to be stripping that edge off of reality that usually only getting high allowed me.
It was addictive and it was cruel of her in happy fashion. I sat back and took her in. How would I ruin this? I traced the curves of her body with my eyes. I was glad she was staying the night and sharing my bed.
I got up to set about the dishes and I pinched the candle wick to close the flame.
Oh how can I explain it? My pulse was slow but loud. I was tired and excited. My eyes ached but I kept them open. For how long had I been so tired? Did it have to be this way. Could I ever be forgiven for the wrong I wrought. We were well on our way to working for a wonderful alternative to forgiveness.
Atonement sounded good but was impossible. There was another means of having a bright future. Could it really be that easy? Could I really just give it up and live my life just like that? Was I living in suffering of my own accord? Did I fashion my own prison?
Cloud Strife, family man. Was it possible? It all seemed way over my head but Weiss was smarter than me. If she thought so could it really be that bad? I needed time to think. It seemed overcast. She walked away from me in dizzying slow motion destined for the bathroom. I watched her unzip her dress and reveal her back to me and shut the door behind her with a single backwards smirk at me. So confident. So sexy. What was a poor bastard like me to do but stare at the door and listen to the shower start running. I imagined real hard what was on the other side of that door. More than everything I had once wanted. So much more. I would have been out of my mind if she would have just gone to the movies with me during freshmen year. I had so much more than that now, today. I was wasting it. Wasn't I?
What she told me ran through my head on repeat. I got up to lie on our bed in the little room.
White sheets and a blue comforter didn't take my mind off of what was going on between one oh so thin wall. Water running down her form and through her hair just a few steps away. Her hair would be clinging to her as she washed it and let it run through her fingers.
I knew that I wanted her.
I got up and checked the door to the bathroom. She'd left it unlocked. I pulled my shirt off and stepped inside.
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-WG