Chapter Twenty Nine
December, 2014
Launceston, Tasmania
"Are you awake?"
Jane opened her eyes and stared up at the ceiling. She was very much awake. She had been awake all night. Every time she would get tired of staring into the dark she tried staring at the back of her eyelids. She was about as successful at sleeping on this night as she was at catching the asshole that murdered Alexis. She sighed heavily and turned her head to look at Melissa, who was laying on her side just watching her. Jane offered her a tired smile, but didn't say anything.
"I can't sleep either."
Jane knew that it was somewhere in the vicinity of three in the morning, at least it had been the last time she had looked at the alarm clock beside them. "Worried about tomorrow?"
"I'm not exactly sure I'll be welcomed." Melissa answered quietly.
That made two of them. Jane wasn't exactly sure she would be welcomed at the funeral either.
Gabby had spent a solid ten days walking around like a zombie, not speaking, barely eating, barely sleeping, barely even acknowledging those around her and then she woke from her near perpetual state of shock and came to Jane looking for answers. It made sense. Jane is the lead detective on the case. Unfortunately for Jane, the forensics, witnesses and even video footage of the area had turned up absolutely nothing workable. That had proven to be the final push Gabby needed to erupt with the force of Mount Vesuvius, unleashing a verbal barrage so vitriolic Jane had been momentarily stunned.
It was next level stuff and Jane thought she had seen it all back in Boston when standing in front of an angry Lieutenant Cavanaugh each and every time he ripped her a new one for her irresponsible death defying stunts on the job. Jane had managed to handle Cavanaugh and she had even managed to get a few words in when she had to stand there listening to her Mother berate her as if she had personally offended Jesus for any number of stupid things she had done as a child. The one time she accidentally broke Tommy's arm was a real doozy. Jane shuddered just thinking about it to this day, but those many incidents paled in comparison to Gabby's tirade as far as pure shock value went.
It could have ended there, but Jane had made the mistake of trying to console the grief stricken woman, and well, Jane learned very quickly not to mess with a woman with a catcher's arm. Gabby had grabbed the object closest to her and hurled it straight at Jane's head with such force it was a miracle she didn't connect. Jane's cat-like reflexes undoubtedly saved her from a concussion by flying stapler.
"I dunno Missy, I think I've got you covered there. She is not happy with me right now, at all."
Melissa scooted closer and gently traced the contour of Jane's chin and then followed her jawline upwards before bringing her hand to rest against her cheek. "I still can't believe she lost her shit on you like that. Thank you for restraining yourself."
Jane's eyes fluttered closed at the gentle touch. She focused on the pleasantness, because the only reason Gabby got away with her attitude was because Jane couldn't even begin to fathom what it would be like to be in her shoes. The one time she tried to imagine it she'd felt like giving up on life, the fact Gabby was still alive and had moved into the anger stage of grief was actually a good thing in Jane's mind. "She only gets one pass, Missy. She can't be coming into work throwing temper tantrums just because she's hurting. She could have really hurt someone."
"Well did you let Maura know what happened like I suggested?"
Jane sighed and opened her eyes, yet another reason the funeral was going to be Hell. "I did, but she never got back to me."
Working together with Maura had been something she welcomed, something she had missed greatly, but it had been short lived. Gabby's inability to cope with life directly after the murder had understandably drawn all of Maura's attention, especially given Doctor Stanwick was as good as Maura said the last time they talked about it.
The Chief Coroner's mind was sharp as a whip and while she had a tendency to sell herself short, Jane likened her work to Maura's. Undoubtedly Maura had some initial say in the things they were looking for of course, but working with Doctor Pike back in Boston had taught Jane that didn't mean jack shit. Pike always sounded like he knew what he was on about but then he would still miss the obvious, even with guidance from those around him who could see precisely what he was missing.
Jane had no such problem with Stanwick. As a result she didn't really have a reason to beg Maura to help any further with the investigation. Doing so would have been selfish and cold hearted. The unfortunate side effect was that the thawing of her fractured relationship with Maura ceased, because their paths no longer crossed. In fact her girlfriend had seen Maura more in the last ten days than she had.
Melissa's face softened and she started stroking Jane's cheek with her thumb. "She just needs time, Jane."
Jane turned her head so she could kiss Melissa's hand. Melissa's compassion was undeniable and it brought Jane a great deal of comfort. Jane dragged Melissa's hand down between them, entwining their fingers and just revelled in the feeling blooming in her chest. The ease with which Melissa could distract her from impending thought spirals was something to be cherished.
"I know," Jane admitted softly, very much aware the fact she was laying in this bed with Melissa was reason enough for Maura to need a heck of a lot of time before even wanting to talk to her again. It just sucked on a selfish level. Jane missed her best friend.
"She does ask about you though."
Jane couldn't help the incredulous look that she was sure crossed her own face. It was weird enough thinking about the fact Melissa saw Maura more than she did. Maura actually taking a moment to ask about how she was, while being preoccupied with keeping Gabby functioning just seemed implausible.
"I'm honestly surprised she let you into the house, let alone took the time to speak with you."
"Not as surprised as I was. It's an uneasy truce."
"Oh I bet." Jane's mind was temporarily blown the night she got home from work and asked about Melissa's day, just to discover she had ventured up the road to take some lunch to Gabby. Jane had likened it in her mind at the time to walking into a lion's den, but apparently mutual concern for the well being of the grieving woman had granted Melissa immunity from being mauled. She had even managed to obtain permission to visit a few times a week on the afternoons Maura was working. The pair only really crossed paths when Maura returned from work, at least as far as Melissa had explained it.
Melissa brought their hands up onto Jane's stomach so she could slide in under her arm and bring her head to rest on Jane's shoulder. "Gabby still won't speak to me."
"Well, maybe now that she's more mentally active she will." Jane started rubbing circles against Melissa's back, "Just be careful, her volatility worries me."
"I think it's time to stop going up there." Melissa replied, an obvious sadness to her voice. "She's out of her stupor now, she has to start fending for herself again."
Jane was shocked. She hadn't been a fan of her girlfriend spending so much time with her ex, not with Alec's unfinished revelation causing her imagination to run wild. He had intimated that there was a lot more to the situation with Liam and at the time she had felt it was either going to be a confession of him having done something, or him having covered up something for Gabby. The more she thought about the conversations she'd had with him the night of the murder, the more unsettled she had become. He had remained tight-lipped every time she asked him about it since. She couldn't shake the concern it left her with though, especially after this afternoon's flying stapler incident. Gabby was a powderkeg and Melissa was an easy target.
"I think that's wise."
"Thank you for trusting me with her."
Melissa had practically whispered that and it pained Jane's heart. "We've talked about this. I trust you."
Melissa sighed, clearly weighed down by the thoughts in her head. "I know you do. I guess, I just don't understand why. I know you've explained it a dozen times already since we've been together, but I know how far I let myself fall, Jane. I should have to earn everyone's trust, including yours."
Jane absolutely loathed that Melissa's self confidence in the hard work she had been putting in the last couple of weeks looked to be waning. "Therapy takes time and you've been doing amazing. You've had what, one or two moments where you felt yourself slipping and what did you do?"
"I called you." Melissa answered quietly.
"And what did I do?"
"You came home immediately."
"Exactly. Because you told me you were struggling. You told me you needed help and I was there. I will continue to be there and I know you know that. So don't let these little doubts creep into your head and undo all the good work you've done. You're not alone, Missy."
Melissa nodded against her chest, but stayed silent. She slipped her hand out of Jane's and wrapped it tightly around her middle. It was apparent to Jane that she was ready to try to sleep again, so Jane pressed a kiss against the top of Melissa's head and quietly reiterated her last sentiment. "As long as I am breathing, you will never be alone."
Gabby walked solemnly through the cemetery. She came to a stop and knelt down in front of Alexis' plot. Sadness wrapped around her like a blanket and guilt had etched a place into her soul. "Oh, Alex," she murmured softly, "You deserved so much more than this."
It didn't feel right. It didn't feel real. This couldn't be how it ended. Alexis was her first love. She had guided her through many rough moments in life and they were finally in a place to try and make it work again, but then the unthinkable had happened because she was too busy spiralling out of control. Too busy thinking about Melissa. About herself. About Maura.
Gabby's hand dug into the fresh dirt, squeezing most of it out between her fingers as she made a fist. A deep self loathing permeated throughout her entire body. "I don't know if you see it all in death, Alex, but if you do, I'm sorry."
"As you should be." An all too familiar voice declared firmly from just behind her.
Gabby turned her head and shook it sadly. She was staring at an all too familiar figure. Similar height, slighter build, brown hair, smooth features, piercing brown eyes and an all to smarmy grin. Of course now she was seeing ghosts. "Don't even start with me Rachael. You were fucking my girlfriend behind my back. You don't get to judge me."
Rachael held her hands up in front of her body, "Hey I get it, you can't always help the debris left in your wake when you follow your heart, Gabs."
Gabby's eyes flashed. "Is that all I am to you huh?" She spat angrily, "Some debris left in the wake of you stealing Missy's heart?"
Rachael looked down at Alexis' headstone and spoke quietly, "At least you were left alive in my wake."
Gabby could feel her anger rising. This wasn't about her or Rachael, it was about Alexis. She simply wanted to take a moment to mourn her deceased girlfriend. She didn't need a dead woman standing beside her, judging her and reminding her of all her faults. Yeah, she cheated, yeah she wasn't there when Alexis needed her. Yeah. She fucking knew that and she had to live with that for the rest of her life, so why the Hell did she have to put up with this crap?
"You need to leave."
"You need to grow up."
Gabby climbed to her feet and grabbed Rachael by the collar, shaking her violently. "All I have been doing for the last nine fucking years is cleaning up the mess you left behind. Because you had to play the hero. Because you left me behind to pick up the pieces of the hearts you shattered in your absence. Missy's never fucking recovered."
Rachael shoved her back with force, "And whose fault is that? You made a promise to me when I was buried, Gabby. You promised to take care of her. You didn't. You let her give her heart to a woman who is destined to break it. You let her stumble through life making mistake after mistake she wouldn't have made if you had just forgiven her and protected her. You let her take strangers to fucking bed, Gabby. You let her break her own heart, time and time again. You did. YOU!"
"Shut up, shut up, SHUT UP!" Gabby roared, rushing forward and throwing her fist forcefully at Rachael's jaw.
Rachael caught the fist and used Gabby's own momentum to twist her arm behind her back and shove her away. "Grow up, Gabby. This temper. This anger. This is why Alex is dead, because you let it get the better of you. You weren't there, because you were afraid of yourself. Of what you might do."
Both Gabby's hands curled into fists by her side as her chest heaved with the enormity of the situation. She wanted to smash Rachael's face into a bloody pulp. "No! Alex is dead because you destroyed my relationship with Missy. She should never have been back in my life to become a target. This is your fault."
Rachael shook her head and sighed. "Blaming others isn't going to help you, Gabs. You need to let it go. All of it. You're holding on to so much hurt and betrayal that you can't see what's right in front of you. You need to let it go, or things are only going to get so much worse."
Gabby watched Rachael wave her arm in the direction of a headstone two plots down. She couldn't stop herself from walking over to and looking down at the stone. It was for Melissa. She looked up wide eyed at Rachael, "No, she's fine. I saw her yesterday."
"She won't be fine if you keep headed down the path you're on right now, Gabs. She needs you. Maura needs you."
Gabby was growing tired of the message. The same old message. Curb your anger. Deal with your emotions. Let them go. How exactly was she supposed to let them go? Her heart was broken. Her heart had been ripped asunder by the very woman standing beside her and had never recovered. The betrayal by her lover was one thing, but to be betrayed by her best friend?
Gabby lifted her eyes from the headstone and settled them on Rachael, "I hate you. I fucking hate you."
"Stop focusing on hate, Gabby. Focus on your love. Focus on a future you could build, if you just allowed yourself to do so. Take ownership of your life."
Gabby was done. Simply done. She couldn't stand looking at this woman for a moment longer, so she launched herself like a viper. She dove headlong into Rachael crashing her into the ground. She was on top of her in a heartbeat and raining down multiple fists, she kept pounding the face of her greatest tormentor into oblivion. Punch after punch, the face below her became less and less recognisable as the swelling and bruising increased. "Get. Out. Of. My. Fucking. Head!"
She threw punches until she was spent and slumped over her victim. She sucked in oxygen urgently and rolled away, pulling her knees into her chest and wrapping her arms around them. She rocked back and forth, muttering under her breath. God, what did she just do? She looked down at the unrecognisable face and started to sob.
"What did you do? Gabby? What the Hell did you do?" Jane's Boston accent was heavy with shock as she dropped to her knees in front of Gabby's victim.
"I didn't… I mean… I don't know."
Gabby watched in absolute surprise when Jane pulled Rachael's body into her arms and cradled her, rocking her back and forth just like she herself had done with Alexis. Jane looked up at her like she was nothing more than a cold hearted killer, "How could you? She trusted you. She loved you."
"What? What are you talking about?" Gabby's eyes shifted from Jane to the face of the woman Jane held in her arms and an absolute bone chilling scream escaped her lips when Gabby realised what she had done. She started crawling backwards, terrified of not only herself, but Jane. Because the bloody and broken face she was staring at wasn't Rachael's, it was Maura's.
Gabby's eyes flew open. Her heart was pounding so rapidly she could feel it. Oh God. She felt like she was going to be sick. She rolled out of bed and stumbled across the landing into the bathroom, where she proceeded to heave the contents of her stomach into the toilet bowl. She knelt in front of the bowl for another minute just to make sure she was done before flushing and moving to the sink to wash her mouth out. She grabbed the spare toothbrush Maura had assigned to her and brushed her teeth, then washed her mouth out with some minty fresh Listerine.
Gabby was able to erase the taste of bile from her mouth, but she couldn't erase the memory of that dream. On her way back to the spare bedroom she couldn't shake the vision of a beaten and bloodied Maura, so she detoured, poking her head in the slightly ajar door of Maura's room. She didn't want to disturb her friend, she just needed to be grounded in reality. She needed to know that she was still breathing. Once her eyes adjusted to the room she saw that her friend was breathing perfectly fine. It would have to do. She wasn't going to disturb her because Gabby's heart felt heavy enough with guilt already. Maura had been taking care of her without any thought towards anything or anyone else. it must have been taking a toll. "I'm so, so, sorry," she whispered.
Gabby quietly pulled the door back to where it had been and crept across the landing back to the room she was sleeping in. She climbed back into bed and did her very best to erase the nightmare from her mind. No matter what she tried, she couldn't shake it. Her eyes settled on the alarm clock, it was four in the morning. If she didn't fall asleep soon, she would simply start her day early and forget about getting any more sleep.
"Gabby?" Maura sounded worried. "Are you alright?"
Gabby reached out and landed her hand on the base of the touch lamp, a dim light illuminated the room. She rolled over and looked at Maura, who stood in the doorway, one hand braced against the door frame. Gabby cursed herself quietly, she must have disturbed her friend when checking on her. "I"m fine. Sorry for disturbing you."
Maura appeared to be in two minds. She took a step forward into the room, but stopped. Gabby didn't understand it. Had she been dangerous when she was in her stupor? She couldn't recall anything really from the first week or so. She just had a sense that Maura had taken good care of her and as she'd come out of the place she'd been stuck in, Maura had continued to take care of her. So why was she hesitant? Was her dream trying to warn her of something? Had she done something to Maura without realising? She was so caught up in the thoughts spiralling out of control in her mind, that Gabby wasn't even cognisant of the fact she flat out asked, "Did I hurt you?"
Maura quickly crossed the room and sat down at the foot of the bed. "Darling, no. Not at all." Maura said softly, reaching out and rubbing her hand comfortingly along Gabby's lower leg through the bedding. "Nothing like that at all. You did throw a stapler at Jane, but I think you are more than cognisant of that fact."
"Oh God," Gabby rubbed her face and tried to push that memory away. She had been a real dickhead. There was no other way to describe it. She just wanted to hear that some progress was being made, that the prick who tortured Alexis would get what was coming to him. Jane didn't deserve that. She could have really hurt her. Fuck. She looked up at Maura deeply apologetic. "It just hurts so much."
"I know." Maura said softly, continuing to rub Gabby's leg. "But you can't keep lashing out Gabby. You understand that, don't you?"
Gabby nodded, her eyes tried to focus on Maura but she couldn't help but look down where Maura was touching her through the bedding. It was soothing, and mesmerising and that's when it hit her. A brief flash in her memory. She looked back up at Maura, completely aghast. "I kissed you… Oh God. Maura, I am so sorry."
Maura offered a tired smile, she didn't look mad. She just looked sad. Gabby wasn't sure what to make of it, but the one thing she did know for sure was that looking after her was dangerous for Maura's mental and physical wellbeing. She couldn't stay. She had to fend for herself. Get her head on straight. She couldn't be making passes at Maura when she couldn't even remember doing it and she couldn't risk losing her shit on her like she did in her dream.
"I'm so, so, sorry." Gabby repeated as she withdrew from Maura's touch and rolled out of the bed. "I'm gonna go. I have to go."
Maura was around the bed and on her side in a flash, gripping her by the upper arms. "Gabby, slow down. Just take a moment to breathe. You didn't do anything wrong. You were looking for comfort, much like I looked for comfort from you the night… everything changed. I just couldn't, not with you so out of it. It would have been disrespectful."
"You don't understand," Gabby mumbled quietly, slumping back down on the edge of the bed. "I know you need me to find my way out of the dark, away from this anger that is all consuming. I just, I don't know if I can."
"You need to lean on your friends, Gabby. Lean on me." Maura encouraged quietly, having sat down next to her.
Gabby shook her head. Fucking Alec. She glanced over at Maura and she felt the damn butterflies. She felt all the things she thought were long buried and it was all Alec's fault. Why did he have to remind her of when she had been happiest? Why did he have to remind her that one woman always had her back? Why did Maura have to go and prove it during the worst time of her life? This shit was so fucked up. She was still grieving, she would be grieving for a long time. She couldn't trust any of this was real. God, what if this was just her brain's way of helping her move on from a devastating loss? What if it wasn't? What was worse?
"I can't," Gabby finally said, shaking her head free of the thoughts that plagued her. "I can't lean on you when a big part of me wants to be as far away from you as possible."
One look and Gabby could tell Maura took that completely wrong, she was hurt, and it sent the sharpest pain shooting through her own gut. She was fucking all of this up. "No, Maura, just listen. I look at you and all I am reminded of is the fact that the night she died, she wanted me to talk. She wanted to fix us and all I could think about was how I could find a way to see you. I was desperate to see you again that night, Maura and she's dead because of it. I let her down."
Maura's brow furrowed, she was clearly thinking about what she heard. Finally she tilted her head in the cute little way she did when she was curious and it sent the butterflies in Gabby's gut into overdrive. "Why were you so desperate to see me that night?"
"I don't know," Gabby lied, tears pooling in her eyes. All the truth did was make things awkward. She had to leave, she knew that. But her body refused to move. Maura's hand had come to rest on her knee and it caused Gabby to swallow uncomfortably. This woman was either the most clueless woman on the planet, or she knew exactly what she was doing. Gabby didn't know which scared her more.
"I was disappointed when you called to cancel." Maura admitted quietly.
"I know." Gabby said, her head turning slightly so she could lock eyes with Maura. "I heard it in your voice. I felt really bad."
"When Alec called me, he was so harried that at first I thought something happened to you." Maura's hand tightened around her knee and it caused Gabby to look down before looking up again, "And then I understood and I realised that something had happened to you, something terrible. It hurt my heart to learn of the immense grief you were experiencing. I knew I had to be there for you, Darling. So please, don't leave."
Tears shimmered in Maura's eyes and for the first time since Alexis died, Gabby realised how much her pain, her anger, her grief, was impacting her best friend. Then her eyes dropped to Maura's lips, they were so enticing and Gabby couldn't help but lick her own lips in preparation for a move she knew she shouldn't actually make. Her eyes shifted back up to Maura's and in that instant she realised that her best friend knew exactly what she had been thinking about.
"I'm not Jane." Gabby said sadly, before turning to look at the wall ahead of them.
"I understand." Maura said softly, a slight wavering in her voice. She stood up and started to walk away, stopping just long enough to say, "Do whatever you think is necessary."
"I'm not Jane," Gabby repeated quietly to herself, her mind racing as the dream she had came roaring back to the forefront of her consciousness. Rachael's words suddenly made a lot more sense, 'You're holding on to so much hurt and betrayal that you can't see what's right in front of you.'
Gabby jumped up and scrambled as fast as she could after Maura, who made it back to her bedroom door before she caught up to her. She grabbed Maura by the arm and spun her around, "I'm not Jane," she reiterated for a third time, but this time with confidence. She framed Maura's face with her hands, leaned in and kissed her softly. When Gabby felt Maura respond to the kiss and clutch at her hips, she increased the urgency and the depth of the kiss. She gently guided Maura backwards into her room, kissing her with every single bit of her heart, only stopping when they made contact with the bed. She pulled away, gasping for air and with a determined look in her eyes she said, "I won't ever leave you."
Maura shook her head and placed her hands against Gabby's abdomen and gently pushed her back. "Darling, no. You're grieving."
Maura's words didn't make sense to Gabby. She had felt Maura return her urgency. She wasn't the only one wanting that kiss, was she? She shook her head in an attempt to shake away the doubts cropping up. "Yes I'm grieving, but that has nothing to do with this. That night we shared…"
"The one where you were crying out for Melissa in the throws of our passion?" Maura sought to clarify and managed to insert the knife straight into Gabby's heart while doing so.
"That was grief, Maura. I'd just walked away from her for good." Gabby felt absolutely gutted, she should have known better. Her lot in life was to carry a broken heart around like a badge of honour. She didn't deserve to find happiness. She turned and walked towards the door, stopping when she reached it to look back and say, "I might have said her name a few times, but I was with you. You needed me and I chose you."
"Who was at the door?" Jane asked as she set down two hot drinks on the coffee table. Coffee for herself and tea for Melissa.
Melissa joined her on the couch, not saying anything. She simply ripped open the bulky A4 envelope she had been handed. After a cursory glance she finally looked at Jane, "Divorce papers."
Damn. Jane hadn't seen that coming. She honestly thought she'd need to fend off one more Kelly end around to keep her relationship intact. A heavy feeling settled in Jane's stomach because she couldn't help but think that this was Kelly's very swift answer to their ruse. If the two of them hadn't stopped denying their desire to be with one another, this would have been disastrous for Melissa. "Are you alright?"
Melissa lifted her eyes from the papers she was reading through and nodded, but Jane could see there was something behind her eyes that felt troubling. Was Melissa having doubts now that this was reality? Afterall, she did say yes to Kelly's proposal to make it a marriage in spirit and not just on paper before everything went sideways. God, did she strong arm Melissa into the relationship they were in?
"Stop it." Melissa said softly.
Jane's eyes widened. "Stop what?"
Melissa set the papers down on the coffee table and turned to face Jane fully. She took Jane's hands and pulled them into her lap and gently massaged her palms. "Over-thinking."
Jane opened her mouth to rebuke Melissa's assertion but quickly clamped it shut when she had to acknowledge it was precisely what she was doing. Her eyes softened, "I didn't push you into this relationship, did I? I mean, you're with me because you want to be with me, right?"
"Jane, the only thing I regret is not understanding the truth of my heart three years ago. I never should have let you go."
Jane smiled broadly. She couldn't help it. She wasn't usually this insecure, but everything with Maura had left her feeling discombobulated. Melissa had every reason to question her staying power, and if she did, she couldn't truly be all in. Jane desperately wanted Melissa to be all in. "We really ought to talk about that. I don't want there to be any lingering resentment."
"I don't harbour any resentment towards you Jane. I was the one that let you go. I chose Gabby and I know that hurt you. I saw it in your eyes during our last dance at Monica's wedding." Melissa's eyes shifted back to the divorce papers on the table, before she looked up nervously. "Would you have really chosen me?"
"I did choose you Missy." Jane answered softly, her heart aching a little just thinking about it. She had put so much thought into their past and how she should have handled things better. "I let her get to me. Or rather, my fear of change. I convinced myself I belonged with her, Missy and I still chose you. I just didn't understand that I did that for a reason. So I didn't fight when you chose Gabby, I should have fought."
Melissa looked genuinely surprised, "You really mean that don't you? This isn't you saying what you think I want to hear, you actually mean it."
Jane nodded. "I broke my best friend's heart badly because I refused to see it back then and that is my regret. Maura and Gabby really had something going until I came along and blew it up in their faces."
Melissa stopped rubbing Jane's palms, her eyes widened a little as if a lightbulb was going off in her brain. "So when I walked away, you settled in to give her what she wanted because you felt guilty?"
Jane shrugged, playing it off like it was no big deal, but she knew it was. She didn't understand what she was doing. She didn't understand the fears that controlled her back then. She didn't understand that she could love someone so much, but they were not who she was meant to be with romantically. She had broken Maura's heart because of it, so it was a very big deal. "All I know is that I never even tried to let you go. I just… I pushed it all down and tried my hardest to make it work with Maura."
"Jane," Melissa spoke softly, a concerned look in her eyes. "You don't have to downplay your love for her. I know you. You wouldn't have asked her to marry you if you didn't want to spend the rest of your life with her."
Jane sat there quietly, her mind racing as an understanding of her love life fell into place at long last. Her decision to throw caution to the wind and pursue Melissa had created a domino effect, allowing all of her past decisions to make more sense. She loved Maura, she'd been in love with her - in Boston. God. Their timing. It was all wrong. If she'd had the guts to just tell Maura how she felt when they were in Boston, she had no doubt that happily ever after would have been for them, but she didn't. She refused to acknowledge those burgeoning feelings, choosing instead to play it safe. Then history repeated and she retreated to what she thought she knew - the relative safety of Maura's arms. She'd proposed because she was content and she honestly believed that was all life was going to give her. It had been selfish and only made Maura's inevitable heartbreak so much worse.
"Christ, I owe her an apology. Fuck. Fuck." Jane stood up and walked out of the room. She walked through the house and out the back door. She stood in the middle of the yard and let out an almighty roar, unleashing all of the pain she was feeling.
She'd broken Maura's heart worse than she ever would have if she had simply said that she was in love with Melissa when Maura came to Boston professing her feelings. It hurt her heart, because Melissa wasn't wrong, she loved Maura greatly. She always would. That was her best friend, but she simply wasn't in love with her anymore and coming to that realisation left her feeling bereft. She felt like she was no better than her father, despite the fact that Maura had let her go. Of course Maura let her go, she was a fucking genius. She saw all of this coming.
Melissa's arms slid around her waist from behind and Jane felt her front press against her back. Soft lips pressed against her collarbone. "Talk to me, Sweetheart."
"I love her so much, Missy, but I'm not in love with her. I haven't been for a long time." Jane turned in Melissa's arms and forced a smile through her tears, "I just thought she was it, that content was all that was out there for me."
"Oh Jane," Melissa sounded so sad. It took a few moments for Jane to realise that it was simply her girlfriend's empathy kicking in.
Jane pressed her forehead against Melissa's and closed her eyes. "When I saw the news about Chicago and I didn't know who the victim was, it absolutely gutted me, Missy. I think that's the moment everything with Maura started to unravel. I didn't realise it, but I'm starting to think she always knew."
Melissa's thumbs wiped the tears from Jane's cheeks and continued to massage them softly. "I always thought it was strange when Gabby showed up that it was you with her. I had honestly expected it to be Maura."
"She sent me. I didn't understand it at the time." Jane sighed and kissed Melissa softly. Her heart was aching thinking about the past like this. Eight months ago she could have said something. She could have saved Melissa, Gabby and even Maura a lot of fucking heartache. Alexis might even still be alive. Fuck. She broke away from the kiss and shrugged away from Melissa, she was feeling unsettled.
Melissa took her by the hand and started moving them towards the house. Jane followed one step at a time but her eyes immediately dropped to their linked hands. How had she let this woman go? Fresh tears welled in her eyes because thinking about having let her walk away directly led to thinking about what happened in Chicago. "Missy…"
Melissa stopped and turned. So much compassion shimmered in her ocean blue eyes, drawing Jane closer. This time their kiss started slow, with Jane nipping at Melissa's lower lip. It intensified when one of Jane's hands slipped down against the small of Melissa's back, immediately pulling her flush against her body. Jane was desperate to feel her, to taste her, to be lost in her. Jane's other hand slipped beneath Melissa's shirt and found skin to skin contact with Melissa's waist. Her girlfriend increased the tempo of the kiss and sought entrance with her tongue, matching Jane's intensity. Their tongues danced a delicate tango, unleashing a cascade of emotion and desire within Jane's body. The kiss felt explosive. It felt freeing. It felt like the first time she realised she was in love with Melissa, only this time she wasn't afraid of the feeling or the intensity, which exceeded that night three years ago by a large margin. Jane felt like she was home.
Jane drew back when oxygen was necessary and one look into Melissa's eyes told her that she wasn't the only one who recognised the intensity of the moment. Jane leaned in and kissed the corner of Melissa's mouth, needing another taste, before bringing their foreheads together again for the second time that morning. "I love you."
Although she couldn't see it, Jane could absolutely sense it and hear the smile on Melissa's face when she said, "I know."
Jane needed to be sure Melissa understood, "I'm in love with you."
"I know." Melissa pulled back to glance at her watch, she looked like she did a quick mental calculation before shrugging, leaning in for another kiss and murmuring, "I love you too Jane."
"You needed me and I chose you."
Gabby's words right before she walked away haunted Maura. Her best friend's face had looked so earnest and heartbroken at the same time. Maura had wanted to say something, do something, but she couldn't. She was frozen. Everything she thought she knew and understood about her life was tumbling down around her. She let Gabby walk out despite yearning to take her into her arms, a yearning itself she was still processing. Their closeness during a difficult time for them both was undoubtedly blurring lines. Nursing her own broken heart, Maura felt like she was on her way to repeating the same pattern that had doomed her three years ago. Gabby deserved better than to be used like that again. So Maura let her go. The only woman who consistently chose her. Who consistently put her first. She let her go.
Maura looked at the mirror in her compact and dabbed at her face with a handkerchief, drying up the tears that had simply kept coming all morning. She was sitting in her car in the parking lot of the church where Alexis' funeral service was being held. She had promised Gabby she would be here with her, but she hadn't heard from Gabby since she'd left the house in the early hours of the morning. No calls or texts were answered. So Maura simply went about her plans for the day and now sat watching people arrive ahead of the service. She didn't know many of these people at all and she felt like she would be intruding if Gabby didn't show up.
Maura hoped Gabby would show up, because if her friend missed her opportunity to say goodbye to Alexis because of their moment this morning, she would never forgive herself. Gabby needed to keep progressing in her grief, saying goodbye was an important part of that process. Maura couldn't bear being responsible for that missed opportunity, because her sole focus in the past ten days had been Gabby's wellbeing.
She really shouldn't have kissed Gabby back this morning, but she hadn't been able to help herself. There was an incredible amount of comfort to be found in her friends arms and in their physical intimacies. Maura realised this was a clear sign of her own unrelated heartache. There was plenty of it fueled by Gabby's pain and the way she hadn't been dealing with it at all, but then there was the Jane of it all. There had been a certain familiarity working a scene together, but it all dissipated the moment they stood in that park and Jane so passionately declared Melissa her girlfriend. Things had clearly escalated from Jane being whatever Melissa needed, to something serious. Jane hadn't even thought to warn her in advance. Maura understood that Jane was angry and hurting, but she thought she meant more than that. Somehow she had swallowed her pride and for a few moments in time had been a friend to Jane. It had been simultaneously difficult and easy. Difficult because her heart was breaking all over again, but easy because she knew that Jane doing the right thing by Melissa meant the right thing would be done for Gabby.
Maura closed her eyes and focused on her breathing because the more she thought about Jane the more a fresh set of tears threatened to fall. Her heart ached painfully because she couldn't help but hope that Jane would come to her senses despite the fact that she wasn't sure she could ever trust her again even if she did. Her heart wanted what it wanted, even though her mind was adamant that her time with Jane was done.
When Maura opened her eyes she got an unexpected reminder of why she needed to move on. Jane and Melissa walking hand in hand towards the church. The pair looked solemn, as to be expected on an occasion like this, but Jane had a pep in her step. Maura sighed and immediately started dabbing at her eyes with the handkerchief again.
It was getting close to the service start time and still Gabby hadn't shown up. Reluctantly Maura decided she should check inside the church just in case she had missed Gabby entering. Inside, she looked around at the guests, none of them looked like the woman she was looking for, so she took a seat in a pew at the back of the room with a good view of the entrance. She would wait.
It became apparent quite quickly that Alexis was beloved by her friends and family. With Gabby having still failed to show her face, Maura picked a moment between speakers to make her exit. She slipped out and slowly made her way back to her vehicle in the carpark. She decided to sit and wait until the end of the service to see if Gabby would show up at the last minute. Things might not be smoothest between them currently, but a promise was a promise.
A sudden knock on her side window startled Maura. Her thoughts had been all consuming, so she hadn't seen anyone approach. She turned her head and was very surprised to see Melissa standing there. Maura fortified herself with a deep breath and wound the window down. "Hello Melissa."
Melissa appeared to be studying her, her eyes softened and she asked, "Are you alright, Maura?"
To suggest Maura was surprised, was an absolute understatement. Her mouth formed an o before she returned to her senses. "I'm fine, thank you."
Melissa nodded, although her features furrowed in such a way that Maura was certain she didn't believe her. Melissa motioned over her shoulder towards the church and said, "Alright. I just saw you slip out and wanted to make sure everything was alright."
Rationally, Maura understood that Melissa was a very kind individual, troubled absolutely, but fundamentally kind. Emotionally, Maura couldn't believe the absolute gall of the woman. Who on earth would ever consider it reasonable to approach the broken hearted ex-fiancée of the woman you were now dating and speak to them about anything, let alone check up on them? Maura shook her head and sighed, her hands tapped absently against her steering wheel. The answer was a confident, self assured woman not afraid to show off an aspect of her personality that was so attractive in the first place. If Melissa wasn't the only person on the planet who knew Gabby better than she did, she may well have forgotten her manners. Instead she forced a pained smile and said, "That was thoughtful of you, thank you."
Silence settled between them for a moment before Melissa, clearly still concerned, suggested, "I can go and get Jane if you'd rather speak with her?"
That was absolutely the last thing Maura wanted. She shook her head almost imperceptibly and settled on something she could say that would hopefully get Melissa to return inside. "I'm just waiting incase Gabby decides to show up."
"She won't." Melissa said confidently, before going on to explain, "She hate's funerals. She'll show up for the burial, but this service stuff with crying friends and family is just not her scene."
Maura nodded. She didn't know why she didn't think of that. She had talked extensively with Gabby about her feelings stemming from her parents' funerals. If she hadn't been so worried about what had occurred between them she would have realised precisely what Melissa was telling her. As childish as it felt, Maura didn't like being one upped so she said, "Yes, that's right. It wasn't a pleasant experience with her parents."
"No, it wasn't." Melissa motioned back over her shoulder again and said, "I should get back. Take care, Maura."
In future retellings of this moment, Maura still wouldn't be able to fathom what overtook her. Instead of letting Melissa walk away, just like she had been angling for during their brief conversation, she blurted out, "I'm not okay."
Melissa paused and turned back to look at Maura. She spent a few long seconds assessing before nodding once, which Maura felt was the answer to a silent question in Melissa's mind, because after that Melissa walked around to the other side of the car and climbed in the passenger side. She motioned for Maura to roll up her window, which she did. "Okay, I'm going to start by acknowledging that this is awkward. No matter what, it will be awkward. However, you have been there for Gabby and that matters to me. So, let's just pretend for this one conversation that we're friends and leave all mentions of Irish mobster fathers in the past."
Melissa was absolutely right. This was the most awkward conversation she could imagine, sitting in the car with her ex-fiancé's girlfriend, talking about their shared ex-girlfriend. It was so ridiculous it felt like it was drawn directly from one of those terrible soap operas Angela liked to watch. That being said Maura couldn't help smiling thinking back on the not at all subtle threat she had made to Melissa if she did a single thing to upset Gabby. In hindsight bringing Paddy into it was probably overkill, but Melissa had been on her best behaviour when in her house, so it had the desired effect. "Agreed."
"And as a show of good faith on my part, I promise not to share anything said here with Jane." Melissa motioned between them with her hand, "Consider this an exclusion zone."
Maura took Melissa's statement with a grain of salt, because she suspected that if she said something that Melissa worried would impact Jane in a negative way, she would share it. Good intentions and all. Maura sighed and turned back to look out the front of the vehicle. It was easier than looking at the woman who had stolen Jane's heart and she didn't really know where to begin. This is insanity. Absolute insanity.
"Something happen with Gabby?"
"She kissed me." Maura had meant to explain further, but she flashed back to the kiss that morning and her body's reaction. She shook her head and tried to clear her thoughts, turning to look at Melissa and assess her reaction. Melissa's face was completely passive. If she had been surprised she had smoothed her features over very quickly. Maura wasn't sure what to make of that.
"When?"
"Twice actually. The first time was four or five days ago." That garnered a response from Melissa, which Maura immediately interpreted as potentially bad and she understood why, "I politely turned her down. She wasn't in her right mind."
Melissa visibly relaxed. "And the second time?"
"This morning."
Melissa looked out the passenger window for several very long seconds before looking back at Maura. "You turned her down again?"
"Absolutely, she's grieving."
Melissa smiled softly, "She pouting? Is that what's worrying you? She'll get over it."
Maura knew she should leave the conversation here. She shouldn't have been having it at all, but this was Gabby they were talking about. She needed the insight. She needed the help, because the last thing she wanted was to make things worse. "I'm pretty sure she wanted more than just physical comfort."
Melissa looked confused.
Maura sighed, hating that she had to spell it out. "She told me that she's not Jane and she won't ever leave me."
"Wow." Melissa exclaimed, nervously scratching at the back of her neck. She shook her head softly a few times. "Okay, turning that down might be a bigger deal."
Gabby had a saying for moments like this, and Maura remembered it precisely and even managed to deliver it in a way that both Gabby and Jane would have been proud of. "No shit Sherlock."
Melissa chuckled, clearly amused. "Deep down she knows you're not in a place to pursue romance. Because, well… yeah."
Yes, awkward. Maura simply nodded and blurted out her biggest faux pas. "I kissed her back this morning, before I shut her down." Maura felt completely flummoxed, "I don't know what came over me."
Melissa waved her off, "Oh come on Maura, you two have chemistry off the fucking charts. You're human. You did the right thing though, because I don't know if it's just her grief talking or…"
Maura rubbed her face nervously. She had the information that she knew Melissa could interpret, but if she told her and then Melissa told Jane? Well, any slim slither of hope that Jane would come to her senses would be gone.
Melissa's eyes lit up, "Maura, what aren't you telling me?"
Why did she care what Jane thought? Jane had clearly moved on. Gabby was the only one choosing her and while romance wasn't necessarily her goal there, understanding the best path forward for her friendship with Gabby was significantly more important than the small sliver of hope she clung to like a lifeline. "We slept together."
"What? When?" Melissa was curious, but also clearly concerned.
"The night before Alexis died."
It only took one moment after answering the question for Maura to realise what she had said and what it actually meant.
Melissa covered her mouth with her hands and looked at Maura, clearly trying to bite her tongue. She failed. "So, you're telling me that Gabby cheated on Alexis with you? Which means…"
"Yes, I am aware. I am a hypocrite."
Melissa shook her head. "Oh I am not judging you Maura. That's not even a thing right now." She held up one finger, "Just give me a moment."
Maura watched on curiously as Melissa stepped out of the vehicle and walked several paces away, slammed her fist into her leg and then calmly returned to the car. Once settled she looked at Maura and said, "It's not grief. She wants you back."
"That's what she said to me, but she wasn't with me that night. Perhaps physically, but mentally… The name falling from her lips wasn't mine."
Melissa's brows furrowed and she tilted her head in apparent confusion, if the look on her face was anything to go by. "So what, she was with you, thinking about Alex?"
Maura shook her head. "Not Alexis, no."
Melissa's eyebrows shot up in shock and she pointed at herself, "Me?"
Maura nodded.
Melissa was silent for a few moments but then she said, "That was the same night she decided she couldn't be in my life anymore."
Maura frowned. "That's what she said."
"Maura, if you want her, she's yours. That's irrelevant."
Maura sighed heavily. Even if a small part of her did want to try again with Gabby down the road when she had healed from losing Jane, the situation was very triggering. "I'm not sure I can let myself go down this road again. There's been a very familiar theme with my last two relationships."
Melissa grimaced and looked away for a few seconds. She looked back at Maura, "I get it. I'd be gun shy if I were you too. It's not exactly the most flattering thing to happen and given who I am to you, I do think I get it. But you do need to understand one thing. Gabby has never cheated on anyone in her life. Her grief for Alexis is very real Maura, so you can see how much she meant to her. She jeopardised that relationship for you. I don't know the specifics. I don't need to know. Gabby chose you."
Maura let out a heavy sigh, not sure she was comfortable with how in sync Melissa was with Gabby. It only fed her discomfort. "She said that too."
"You now have confirmation of what you already knew." Melissa's voice had been relaxed, but it hardened, along with the look in her eyes. "So whatever you do next, you be damn clear with her Maura. Don't fuck with her heart. She's been through too much."
"And who put her through the worst of it?" Maura snapped, she couldn't contain herself. The truce was over. Melissa might have Jane, but she wasn't lording moral superiority over her when it came to Gabby. Nobody had hurt that woman more than Melissa had.
Melissa smiled sadly and nodded, clearly not in the mood to fight. "You're not wrong. She deserves better than me. Be better."
A/N: Please remember that this story isn't close to being finished. Please remember that this will be Rizzles, but there's a very real theme being explored as we move forward, AND this is basically the end of phase two... we are going to be moving forward in rebuilding the friendship very soon. From there, things grow. I'm having some issues with one of my eyes affecting my vision at times atm and until that's sorted I'm going to be very distressed, so for one chapter, please keep the insults to the characters behaviours specifically. Please don't attack me for writing a story you don't like, cause you don't have to read it. This is a long journey and you have all been warned many times now. I'm sorry to those wonderful readers that understand this and keep their comments about the character behaviours and don't make it personal or call the story trash, that I feel the need to preemptively defend myself here. I'm just really freaking out a bit right now, so I just need some positivity this time around, even if that's by saying nothing at all. I truly appreciate you all.
That being said, do you think Jane is deceiving herself? Or is she on to something? Is it simply not the right time? (We know they didn't miss their chance cause I've promised that, but if I hadn't promised that, would it feel like they missed their time?) Is Maura going to repeat her mistakes of the past? Or will she finally find a little peace?