Chapter Thirty Four
Jane let herself inside Melissa's house, because that's what it was. They hadn't exactly had a chance to make it their home yet. They were still so new and she couldn't help but wonder if they would be in a position to look towards the future and make this, or perhaps somewhere else their home once Melissa returned from her psych stay. Jane stood in the living room with Charlie licking her hand for attention. Her eyes settled on a framed photograph hanging on the wall that must have been taken a decade ago. Melissa was in the middle of the photo, flanked by Gabby and Rachael. Monica stood next to her sister and there was another teen girl that Jane didn't recognise standing next to Gabby. They were all in softball gear. Four Saints in their red black and white and Gabby in her green and white Bears uniform. It was a hideous shade of green. They were all so young.
This didn't feel like home. There were so many memories in this house, but not many were her own. Jane sighed heavily and knelt down in front of Charlie, he was a beautiful dog and his friendly nature was a testament to something Gabby had done well in her life. "Are you hungry?" She asked, chuckling to herself when he bounded away excitedly. Jane shook her head and followed after him, it had been a stupid question.
Jane freshened Charlie's water bowl and put down some dry kibble, but also fed him some wet food, which he devoured so quickly. She recognised why he might feel sick after a big meal in the morning if he ate like that. "Take it easy boy, there's plenty where that came from."
Jane was hungry, her stomach rumbled. She ignored the sensation because she needed a long hot shower to wash the day away and then she needed to change, bundle Charlie into the car and drive down to Royal Park. She would walk Charlie while she and Alec talked. Maybe she would stop to grab something from the corner store near the park. Maybe she wouldn't. She didn't know.
All Jane cared about at this particular moment was the hot water pounding against her back, neck, head and shoulders. The water washed the grime from the day away and she threaded her fingers through her hair to make sure it was soaked through. She decided to shampoo and condition it so that a part of her could feel fresh and clean. Her soul was tired. The pressure of trying to identify a psychopath who had been playing a very long game was ever so slowly, day by day, wearing her down. Not to mention her personal life.
There was something to be said for the way she lived life in Boston, focused on work with very little time for romance. It allowed her to be very good at her job and not get bogged down in outside drama. It was also quite empty and lonely at times and while right this moment she felt more alone than she had felt in a long time, she knew the feeling would pass. Melissa needed help. Melissa asked for it. Gabby was right, it was a healthy thing. It was a good thing. It was difficult being asked to stand back and be nothing more than a glorified dog sitter, but Gabby was unequivocally right about it being a good thing in the grand scheme of things.
Jane lathered up her hair with the two in one shampoo and conditioner and rolled her neck, allowing the water to hit her muscles at a different angle in an attempt to wash away the tension she desperately wanted to release. Finally she placed her head back under the spray and ran her fingers through her hair as she rinsed, ensuring she got all of the suds out. She stepped out of the shower, quickly drying off. She paused to look at herself in the mirror as she rubbed her hair vigorously with a towel. The worry lines on her forehead were more pronounced. Her eyes didn't appear to have their usual vigour. She was tired.
Jane tossed her towels in the hamper and quickly dressed in some lightweight track pants, running shoes and an old Boston Police Department t-shirt. The shirt reminded her that she really ought to call home soon and catch up with her mother; as much as she dreaded the inevitable inquisition. If she didn't call soon Angela was likely to jump on the next flight out here and Jane really wasn't in the headspace to deal with all of that energy in person.
"Come on, Charlie." Jane called out after having collected her keys, phone and a lead for the friendly German Shepherd. "We're going for a ride."
While she was helping him into the backseat of her car Jane briefly wondered what Charlie must be thinking at the moment. His life had been pretty inconsistent since Melissa and Gabby's relationship ended. She hoped it wasn't too traumatising for him to essentially go from one caretaker to another in such a short period of time.
After Jane strapped herself in, but before she turned the ignition she took her phone from her pocket and checked her text messages. There had been more than one she had ignored while focused on the investigation into Bertie. The evidence retrieval team had found this black garbage bag right where Twig had said they would and it was with forensics now, it would take a few days but they'd have some answers then. She'd also managed to go over Gabby's statement and Twig's interview transcript from when she was somewhat preoccupied as well. She now had a solid understanding of where they were on Gabby's attacker, which was the doer was identified and deceased. Twig had confirmed Bertie had made the gesture for Bruiser to do the deed, so they had him there between the two witnesses. It was just a wait and see game to see if they could prove he was also responsible for the death of Detective Stephen Dyson. Bertie was clearly laying low as they hadn't been able to locate him for questioning. It was simply a matter of time.
Maura had sent several texts that had remained unanswered. Jane read them.
You're really not, what?
Jane?
Don't forget to eat something.
Jane chuckled at the last one as it had been sent while she was in the shower. Clearly Maura had realised she had gotten busy with work and knowing her as well as she did, knew of her habit of forgetting about eating when in the middle of chasing leads. She hadn't even grabbed an apple or even a chocolate biscuit from the fridge before bustling the dog into the car. She was too focused on getting to where she was going so that she could have a long overdue conversation with Alec. She quickly typed out a response.
Taking Charlie for a walk. I'll grab something while I'm out. Have a good night, Maura.
After hitting send she pocketed the phone and started the car. She carefully navigated her way through traffic and pulled up in the carpark near the public barbecues in Royal Park. It was at this point she remembered she didn't bring any bags for scooping up any mess Charlie might decide to make on his walk. She opened her glove compartment and quickly searched it, but nothing. She frowned, slightly annoyed with herself. She popped the trunk and jumped out to check if there was something in there she could use if necessary. She found a plastic shopping bag she had stuffed some gym clothes in one morning in a hurry and tipped them out into the trunk, rolled the bag up and stuffed it in her pocket, satisfied with her small victory.
She then let Charlie out and clipped his lead on, locked the car and started walking Charlie along the boardwalk that ran alongside the Tamar Estuary. She had managed to rock up early enough to get a fifteen minute walk to the end of the boardwalk and back again before she was due to meet Alec. Charlie clearly enjoyed fresh new smells and for fifteen minutes Jane embraced being nothing more than a dog walker. It was fifteen minutes of bliss. Smiling at random strangers who stopped to say hello to Charlie or comment on it being a nice night for a walk. It was fifteen minutes of just being Jane. Not Detective Rizzoli. Not anyone's friend or lover. Not the target of yet another psychopath. Just Jane.
"I wasn't sure you'd show." Alec said quietly, appearing next to Jane. He held his hand out for Charlie who quickly started licking his fingers. Alec smiled and levelled his steady gaze onto Jane. "You've been quite distracted."
"It's the weight of secrets, Alec. The ones I've kept, the ones I've shared. The ones kept from me." Jane admitted, surprised by her own candour as she met his gaze with an intense one of her own. "You lied to me."
"To be fair it's complicated." His eyes appeared haunted and Jane wondered what things kept him awake at night. "If this means you're suspecting me again I can assure you…"
Jane waved off his concerns before looking out across the estuary towards Trevallyn, a suburb that sprawled out across the hills on the western bank. "I believe you. I just feel we would be closer to solving this if you let me in on this when I first mentioned it."
"I've spent nine years on this. I can tell you right now, as far as your suspect pool goes, it's two people. Justin and Doug."
Jane's face screwed up in thought. "Justin Graham and Douglas Walton? The other two missing guys from your academy class?"
Alec nodded. "I know it sounds ridiculous, given they're missing. But I've been through their cases, there's zero evidence of foul play. They both just left home one day and never returned."
"Why do you think it's one of them?"
"Because I know it's about Liam and his disappearance. You were definitely looking in the right direction." Alec answered, his eyes meeting hers when she returned her attention to him.
"How can you be so sure?" Her eyes narrowed suspiciously. While she trusted he wasn't involved with the violent acts, she had been feeling for weeks that he was keeping things from her. Things she felt she needed to know.
Alec paused for a moment before saying, "I received a note that said as much. This killer is after something he'll never get. Revenge. Whoever he is, he seems to be under the false assumption that Rachael is still alive. I guess he saw a doppelganger or something and it reignited his fire. He's trying to draw her out."
"Only he can't, because she's dead?" Jane questioned, despite knowing it should be considered fact. Her gut told her that this was all too convenient and absolutely not pleasant. There would be no stopping this guy if he was looking for a dead woman.
"Exactly," he confirmed.
Jane wasn't sure what it was, whether it be his demeanour, his lack of emotion or simply a gut feeling but she didn't believe him. Her grip tightened on the leash as her hand balled up into a fist. "You're sure of that?"
He met her inquisitive gaze head on and quite firmly said, "Yes."
He didn't appear to waiver in his conviction, which was enough for Jane. She sighed heavily, "So what's your gut feel on this? Justin or Doug?"
Alec shrugged, a frown settling on his face. "Could be either, they were both pricks who worshipped Liam."
Jane recalled that they both corroborated Liam's version of events when it came to Rachael's sexual assault allegations. "So, what happened to Liam?"
For the first time since she had known him, Alec looked genuinely rattled. It was obvious he knew something. "He got what was coming to him."
"Did you?" Jane cut off her question because of a group of teens walking by. She turned and watched them walk away until they were out of ear shot before looking back at Alec, who clearly didn't need her to finish.
He shook his head. "It wasn't me."
"But you know who it was, don't you?"
He nodded.
Jane clenched her jaw. She felt a knot form in her stomach. She prayed to a God she wasn't sure she believed in anymore that it wasn't Gabby. "Was it Rachael?"
He didn't say a word. He didn't nod. He didn't shake his head. He made zero movement to acknowledge her question.
"Was it Gabby?" She received the exact same stone faced reaction and realised he wasn't going to confirm either way. She shook her head and looked down the boardwalk for a few moments before looking back at him. "You're not going to tell me are you?"
Alec shook his head. "What good does it do anyone? It's in the past. He had it coming."
"You helped them clean it up, didn't you?" Jane asked, already certain of the answer. His righteousness was downright chilling. Maybe Liam did have it coming. He sounded like an utter asshole, but there was no justification for taking the law into their own hands.
"Stop asking questions you don't want to know the answers to, Jane." Alec sighed and broke eye contact. HIs shoulders dropped a little and he jammed his hands into his pockets. He looked weary from carrying the secret for so long. "It was self defence. That's all you need to know."
"Then why not come forward when it happened?"
"It's complicated. Look, Jane, I get it. You can turn me in if you want, but I won't roll on the responsible party. I won't allow either of them to have their reputation tarnished by that prick."
She believed him. She hated the position she found herself in but if he was telling the truth about self defence, well she could understand that. Both as a cop and as a woman. She understood his desire to protect the guilty party, because self defence or not it probably would have ended their career before it started. On the other hand it may have also prevented everything that happened since. Melissa might not have watched a woman she loved die in front of her. She might not have had to watch another woman be brutally murdered knowing she was next. Jane felt a sudden burning rage engulf her chest. Melissa was an innocent victim of this brutally stupid decision. Jane's entire body tensed up and her jaw clenched as she bit down a very raw visceral response to the thoughts bouncing around in her head. She needed to leave.
"Jane," Alec said, trepidation apparent in his tone.
"Don't fuckin' speak to me." Jane ground out, glowering at him before gently tugging on the leash to get Charlie's attention. She turned and headed for her car, ignoring all of Alec's protestations. She needed to process all this new information before she could even begin to formulate a plan of attack. She wasn't sure how she felt about Alec anymore and if Gabby was the responsible party - if she was the one that started all of this, well, fuck her. Fuck Alec too.
"Jane," Alec's voice was low now and his hand slammed into the car door as she attempted to open it, forcing it closed. "Are we good?"
Charlie growled.
Jane knew Alec wasn't a threat, but the dog didn't. She appreciated the fact he had her back even though she was still relatively new in his life. "Charlie, no."
She felt Alec take a step back, clearly he recognised that his behaviour was setting off Charlie's protective nature. It allowed Jane to take a breath. She opened the back door of her car and bundled Charlie inside before closing it and then she turned on Alec. "Are you gonna tell me which one you're protecting?"
"No." He said quietly, shaking his head. His face was hard and it only pissed Jane off more.
"Then no, we're not good. Because whoever it was is responsible for all of this. You are responsible for all of this."
"You don't know that," Alec countered but his voice wavered and his eyes told the real story. He had considered that possibility. He was choosing to live with that possibility. To protect what? A career? A reputation? A dead woman? It had to be Gabby right? He wouldn't let all of this go on if Rachael had been the one to kill Liam, right?
"You aren't that fucking naive, Alec." Jane's eyes were wild, one hand clenched by her side while she practically slammed the index finger of her other hand firmly against his sternum. "She's been through Hell, Alec. She's nearly fucking died twice. She had to stare him down."
"I know," he acknowledged softly, not flinching once under her intense stare.
"You don't fuckin' care do you? All you care about is your little fuckin' trio and Missy had Rachael's heart, so who fuckin' cares what happens to her right?"
Alec remained stone faced, he didn't even blink. He just stood there allowing Jane to unleash on him.
"Well I fuckin' care, Alec." She roared, her chest heaving under the intensity of her anger and hurt.
"I know."
Boy did she hurt. She ached. It was the worst Goddamned timing of her life, but she could feel it all. Every little thing that had been building up. Every little thing she had been pushing down as deep as she could was ready to spill over. Because she couldn't protect Melissa from this. She had failed miserably and now she had the knowledge that one of the two people that claimed they loved Melissa was the catalyst for all of it. Knowledge she had to keep to herself because it would do nothing but add more weight onto the pile of hurt Melissa was already buckling under.
"Jane," Alec said softly, gently brushing her hand away from his chest. He looked worried. So he fucking should. She took an almost involuntary step backwards as the hurt she was feeling slammed relentlessly against her battered psyche like storm fuelled waves against a ship's deck.
"I fucking love her." Jane declared quietly, all the wind gone from her sails as her body felt ready to curl in on itself. She just needed him to know what he had done.
Alec took a step forward, his arms spread out like he was welcoming her home from war. "I know," his voice was soft and understanding. Jane just watched in shock and awe as he slowly wrapped his arms around her and pulled her against his chest.
His hold was firm and the stubborn part of her wanted to push him away immediately, because where the Hell did he get off thinking he could comfort her like this? Who the Hell did he think he was? She didn't give a crap that he had shown time and time again that his people mattered to him. She didn't give a crap that this moment might just be his way of telling her that she was now one of his people. The part of her that had looked evil in the face and lived. The part of her that loved with every fibre of her being. The part of her that tried to be strong for everyone around her. Those parts of her were tired. Those parts of her melted into the strength and safety of his arms. For mere moments, but then she felt the tears and there was no way in Hell she was breaking down in this man's arms. This liar's arms.
Jane pushed him back and quietly threatened, "If anything else happens to her because of this. I will end you."
He nodded and stepped back, clearly recognising that the conversation was over. Now was not the time to try and sort out whatever else he thought needed sorting out. She was done. She was leaving. That was precisely what she did.
Tears streamed down Jane's face as she tried to navigate through the streets of Launceston. The ache permeating from her gut felt like it had swallowed her entire body whole. She couldn't remember the last time she felt like this. It was so much more than when Maura walked away, because it was those feelings, plus so many more just inundating her. The floodgates had opened and she was drowning. She drove past a bottle shop and gritted her teeth, quietly reminding herself that whiskey was not the answer, but Christ she wanted it to be. Fuck. She was in trouble and she knew it. She dug her phone out of her pocket even as she drove, and brought up her messages. She re-read Maura's messages, her eyes darting back and forth between the screen and the road.
"Fuck!" She roared, slamming the hand holding the phone against the steering wheel before tossing the device over onto the passenger seat. She couldn't ask Maura for help. That wasn't fair.
Jane saw the sign for another bottle shop one building down from the corner of Wellington and Howick streets. She was so close to the house. All she had to do was stay in the left lane and turn the corner. She activated the car's turn signal and pulled into the drive-thru of the bottle shop instead. She flipped down the sun visor above her head and found some spare cash she kept there for emergencies and pulled out a fifty dollar note. She had to quieten the voice in her head.
Jane didn't even hesitate for a single moment when she got out of the car. She just went straight in, found the whiskey section, grabbed a 700ml bottle of Jack Daniels and walked up to the counter. She purchased the whiskey, got back into the car and drove home.
After pulling in, she grabbed her phone from the seat beside her and stuffed it back into her pocket. She picked up the bottle of whiskey and took the keys from the ignition, opened the back door for Charlie and after letting him inside the house Jane walked through to the kitchen bottle in hand. She opened the cupboard above the counter where the glasses were stored and grabbed a tumbler. She opened the freezer and pulled the ice cube mould out, pushing several cubes out into the glass before returning the mould to the freezer. She opened the bottle and poured a hefty portion and brought it all the way to her lips before her brain finally kicked in and halted her momentum. She closed her eyes and squeezed out several more tears before grabbing the bottle and the glass and walking into the living room. She set both down on the coffee table, dug her phone out of her pocket and slumped down onto the couch.
How was it that in her lowest moment in years, she had nobody she could call? It was four in the morning in Boston, she couldn't call anyone there. She wouldn't anyway. Her mother wouldn't understand and she just didn't have that kind of relationship with Frost anymore. Distance was an absolute bitch. She needed Melissa, but she couldn't put this on her girlfriend. Not right now. Not when her girlfriend's demons were clearly winning. She wouldn't be that person.
Charlie sat down beside the coffee table and stared at her with his ears at attention. His eyes looked so soulful, but she didn't like the way it made her feel. "What the Hell are you lookin' at, dog?"
Charlie's response was to drop down and scoot forward on all fours, almost tentatively. Jane sighed heavily. She didn't think he was afraid, she certainly hoped he wasn't. It was the last thing she wanted. She just didn't want him looking at her with such sad, almost accusing eyes. He was just a dog. What did he know anyway?
God, she was desperate. The smell of the whiskey conjured memories of the familiar burn when it would slide down her throat. She practically longed for that sensation again. Momentary relief from the prominent thoughts she simply wanted to forget. She was emotionally weary. Her batteries were flat. There was nothing left to give and she knew she was going to slip if she didn't do something drastic. She opened her text message chain with Maura and typed out a quick message that simply read 911, hitting send before she could overthink the situation. She was being selfish. She needed to be.
Her phone rang almost immediately. She let it ring out.
It rang again.
This time Jane answered, placing her phone on speaker and setting it down on the coffee table in front of her. "Hey," she offered despondently.
"Jane, what's wrong?" Maura sounded urgent.
How did she answer that? How could she answer that? It was bad enough she had used their own personal 'I'm in trouble' text to get Maura's attention. What was she supposed to do now? Force Maura into listening to her completely unravel over the heartache she felt for Melissa? Jane sighed heavily and reached out for the glass of whiskey she'd poured earlier. She held it in her hand and swished it around just in front of her face so she could get a whiff of her alcohol of choice.
"Jane?"
"I'm here."
She heard rustling and the sound of a door closing and Jane's head dropped. Maura asked, "Where's Melissa?"
"She committed herself."
Silence.
Finally, "Where are you?"
"In the living room." Jane knew that wasn't what Maura meant, but she also knew she'd get the information she needed from the response all the same. Because what did she call this place? Home? Missy's? Either way it would cut Maura like a knife and she wasn't about that. She just needed her best friend and she knew Maura was on her way because she heard the engine of a car starting. It took all she had left to stammer out, "I want to drink."
There was little more than the sound of an engine for several moments, Maura wasn't rushing into her response. Her voice was steady when she quietly asked, "Did you buy something?"
Jane nodded, forgetting that Maura couldn't see her.
"Jane?" Maura sounded worried.
"Yeah, I did."
"Did you open it?"
"Yeah." Jane's grip on the glass tightened as she stared almost mesmerised by the Tennessee Whiskey.
"Open the door Jane."
It took a few moments for Maura's words to filter into her brain but Jane finally managed to put the glass down. She followed Charlie down the hall and opened the door, stepping aside to let Maura in. She looked like a woman on a mission. She didn't stop to say hello, she simply marched into the living room, stopped, looked around for a moment and then strode over to the coffee table. She grabbed the glass and the bottle and headed for the kitchen.
"Wait, what are you doing?" Jane asked as she trailed behind Maura. She realised precisely what was happening but she wasn't exactly ready to pour it down the drain just yet.
Maura didn't care. She poured the whiskey down the drain, every last drop before rinsing the bottle out and asking, "Where's the recycling?"
Jane simply pointed to the left hand cupboard under the sink. She was lost for words. She knew she needed what Maura had done, but Maura's actions had been almost surgical with their precision.
Maura placed the bottle in the recycling and turned back around to face Jane. Her eyes softened a little as she slowly approached Jane, who remained stuck to the spot. She slipped her arm through Jane's and gently guided her to the living room and down onto the couch. She sat down next to Jane and quite calmly said, "You want to drink, but you need a friend."
Maura was right about that, but Jane wondered if she was being nothing more than selfish. She felt selfish. She closed her eyes, gently shaking her head as she sunk further into the back of the couch. "I'm sorry," she uttered quietly. "You told me you needed time. I'm sorry."
Maura simply hummed to herself before saying, "Your ex-fiancée needs time. Tonight I'm here as your friend."
Jane wiped at the tears on her face and turned her head so that she was facing Maura. She opened her eyes and said, "I must look really fuckin' pathetic to you right now huh?"
Maura's smile was a pained one. Just a brief reminder that as good at compartmentalising as her ex-fiancée was, she still very much felt many things about the breakdown of their relationship. Her words however, were nothing more than measured. "You look exhausted."
That's because she was. The time and effort she had been putting into Alexis' death and the bigger picture surrounding it in combination with doing her damndest to make sure Melissa was okay, while processing the rapid changes in her life were taking a huge toll. Jane didn't know how to even begin to respond, she nodded in agreement and her mind picked a topic at random to speak on. "I haven't even told Ma what's happened. She's going to be so disappointed in me."
"Your mother loves you, Jane. All she is going to be concerned about is your well being." Maura encouraged.
Jane simply shook her head and looked at Maura knowingly, "She's going to be pissed that I'm no longer marrying a doctor and you know it."
"Don't worry, you won't hear a word about that until she's sure you're okay." Maura's smile was soft but Jane wondered if she had been smoking crack.
"You have met my mother, right?" Jane retorted sarcastically, thankful for Maura's ability to compartmentalise, because she needed this. She needed to be around someone who knew her so well. Someone who understood the ways to help her unwind and remember that things could always be worse. She could be living with her mother.
Maura nodded innocently, playing along. "Oh yes, I lived with her for a short time."
"I still don't know how you did that."
"Oh hush Jane, Angela is a lovely woman."
"You didn't grow up with her."
"I think it would have been lovely growing up with Angela as a mother."
It wasn't so much what Maura said, but the inherent sadness on her face when she said it. A more positive relationship with Constance these days was wonderful for her ex-fiancée, but it didn't do much to erase the hurt of a childhood feeling unloved as if she were nothing more than a chore. Jane could have kicked herself for bringing Maura down like she had. "Aww shucks Maura, I'm sorry."
Maura simply stared at her for a moment and then stood up. She started moving towards the kitchen, pausing to stop and advise, "You haven't eaten yet have you?"
Jane shrugged. She hadn't really felt like eating after talking with Alec. Just drinking. That option was now off the table and Jane winced sheepishly when Maura disappeared, because Melissa was going to purchase groceries today after her therapy appointment and that had not gone according to plan at all. There really wasn't much left in the house as far as fresh food went. Plenty of canned goods, and a packet of Tim Tams and maybe an old apple or two, but not a single thing Maura would approve of.
Maura reappeared in the doorway and lifted a perfectly manicured eyebrow up at Jane. "How is it there is zero food with any real nutritional value in this house?"
"Missy was meant to shop this afternoon."
It was a simple statement of fact, but it was a painful reminder of the fact Jane was alone in this house that didn't belong to her. That her girlfriend was curled up in a hospital room somewhere, feeling God knows what, also very much alone. She hated it.
Maura pulled her phone out and made a call, she was overtly bubbly in attitude while she spoke. "Antoni, it's Maura. How are you this evening? Wonderful. I was hoping you might do me a favour. Could you have Junior deliver an order? Fantastic. No, not the usual address. Just down the road, 49 Howick Street. Wonderful."
Jane would protest Maura's actions, but her stomach rumbled and she knew that Antoni was the owner of La Cantina, a family run Italian restaurant. High quality food that reminded her of some of the meals her mother made. There was no gnocchi, but they made some exceptional dishes.
"I'll have the fettuccine matriciana, rigatoni alla calabrese, a calzone and the baked lemon and lime tart. No, no beverages. Thank you Antoni, I'll stop by tomorrow night to settle the account." Maura laughed lightly and Jane rolled her eyes, because what Maura lacked in some areas socially she made up for when it came to making connections with businesses around town. Money really did talk.
Jane smiled when Maura ended the call. "You ordered enough food to feed an army."
"I got the calzone for tonight. I think you need some comfort food. The rest is so that you don't starve over the next couple of nights." Maura explained.
"Well thanks, you really didn't have to do that."
Maura gave her a knowing look that would have only served to offend her if she had the energy to protest, but she didn't. Maura knew her too well.
Silence settled between them. Maura sat down on the armchair across from the couch and folded her hands in her lap. She studied Jane, leaving the emotionally exhausted detective feeling apprehensive.
"How long is her stay?"
"Do you really want to talk about that?"
"I don't want to watch you undo three years of hard work on your sobriety. You need to talk to someone and your options are limited right now. So talk to me."
With the way Maura was sitting there and speaking so politely and yet very firmly Jane couldn't help but feel like she was sitting in a therapy office. Despite that feeling she was all too aware that it was her ex-fiancée sitting in that chair. A woman she had already hurt more than enough. Jane shook her head, "You're right, I really do need someone to talk to. But I really don't want to hurt you anymore than I already have and I don't know if talking about her is a good idea."
"Unless there are even more secrets you have been keeping from me for weeks. I find it highly unlikely you can hurt me anymore than you already have today." Maura replied matter-of-factly with a trace of snark, that Jane really couldn't blame her for. She'd learned a lot that day about what had been going on and it was why Jane had been surprised to receive the text messages she had. She honestly expected a lot more snark and biting barbs that left her feeling eviscerated, because it was what she felt she deserved. It was astounding that Maura was holding it together as well as she was.
Jane rubbed her temples, she felt a headache coming on, no doubt from the stress she was under. "I just know if our positions were reversed and I hadn't moved on from you, I wouldn't want to be sitting in front of you listening to you cry about your new partner. It would make me sick to my stomach."
"Bullshit."
It was one simple word, but it was the language Maura chose that shocked Jane the most. Sure Maura had done a lot of growing in the last three years with many things and in many ways, but decorum remained a fixture of her personality. There was zero decorum with that comment.
Maura shook her head in apparent amusement, "You and Gabby both always look so shocked when I curse."
"Well yeah, because it never happens!" Jane explained, still in a certain level of shock. "And no bullshit, I couldn't imagine being in your shoes and handling any of what's transpired with your level of grace."
"Jane," Maura said firmly, leaning forward and looking at Jane intensely, "You might act like a petulant child when I date someone, but at no point have you been anything but supportive if you thought I had genuine feelings for that person and that includes a time when you were in love with me."
"Yeah, well," Jane grumbled, "It's not like I ever liked it."
"I'm sure you didn't. I don't particularly like your relationship with Melissa either, but your love for her is genuine and so I am doing my best to, what is it you say? Vacuum it up."
Jane tried very hard to keep a straight face as an image of Maura holding a vacuum cleaner up into the air sucking up all her selfish vibes popped into her head. She couldn't contain her laughter, albeit briefly before she corrected Maura's word choice. "You suck it up, Maura."
Maura smiled knowingly and Jane's eyes grew wide as she started almost comically pointing at Maura with both hands. "Oh my God, you actually knew that one."
"I've done some research. I thought it was bad enough having to put up with your constant use of idioms, which by their nature defy logic. I've then come to a foreign country and had to learn the colloquial idioms as well. I grew tired of being stared at like I was stupid." Maura explained, "So I think I've got most of my bases covered now."
"How did I not notice this?" Jane exclaimed, shocked and a little impressed, but also suddenly suspicious of recent corrections she had made. "Wait, are you still doing this as a way to break tension?"
"Mostly. Don't tell Gabby, I think she gets a lot more enjoyment out of those moments than you do."
Jane sighed. Gabby. She was a topic that easily riled her right now, despite a desire to give the woman a chance because of the connection she shared with Maura. Gabby had once made Maura happy and deep down Jane knew she could probably do it again once Maura moved on from her, but her conversation with Alec left a bitter taste in her mouth. However, in the interest of fairness and in an attempt to avoid talking about Melissa like Maura had somehow allowed her to do, she decided to open up a bit about what had been going on. "I went to see Gabby earlier, after visiting hours."
"Oh?" Maura looked surprised, Jane couldn't blame her.
"Yeah. I dunno." Jane realised she had inadvertently hemmed herself into talking about Melissa and groaned at how damn intertwined they all were. "Nobody knows Missy like she does and I really didn't want to burden you."
"That couldn't have been easy for you Jane, swallowing your pride like that." Maura observed, sounding very much like a therapist that knew her intimately.
"You'd be surprised how easy it is to not care about petty rivalries and perceived hurts when you feel like you're losing everything."
"And how did she react to your presence?"
"She was unexpectedly kind, actually. I mean don't get me wrong, she called me out on some stuff that really got me thinking, but she wasn't an ass about it." One look at Maura's face had Jane shaking her head, "I know, I know."
"Did it help or hinder how you're feeling right now?"
Jane sighed, still struggling to come to terms with the fact Maura was willingly sitting there, watching her like a hawk, looking for every ounce of insight she could find to be of assistance. She understood that Maura loved her, beyond the romance of it all, it was their genuine friendship that spurred her on, but the failed romance was still a big thing between them. Maura made it quite plain she needed time. This was the exact opposite of it. And yet she could tell from Maura's face that trying to change the subject would be very bad for her health. "I mean, she pointed out some things that helped but also hindered, I guess."
"Perhaps if you elaborate further."
Fuck it.
There was only so much self editing Jane could manage. If Maura really wanted to hear the nitty gritty of it all then she was going to share it. She needed to think her way through all of it and talking to Maura had always been the place she started back in Boston and during their romantic relationship. "So Missy is struggling more than I thought and she chose to be committed because, well I don't know. That part isn't clear. She just explained that we're too much right now and it fuckin' hurt, Maura. I've been bending over backwards to be there for her anytime. I mean, you saw it today. I've been dropping work for her. She just doesn't know how to talk to me or something. I dunno, Maura."
Maura looked thoughtfully at her, took her time to think about what she heard and then asked, "What else did Melissa say to you Jane?"
"She thinks that she doesn't know how to be happy long term. That she's broken and unfixable. She said she just wants to drink and… anyway, she begged me to stop pitying her and start loving her and fuck, Maura. I didn't even know what to say to that. She said she doesn't wanna lose me."
"Why would she?" Maura asked, "You would do anything for that woman. How does she not see that?"
"I don't think she trusts love." Jane admitted sadly, "I think she's been so beaten down by the circumstances surrounding any love she's had that she just doesn't know how to trust it or herself. I'm afraid, Maura."
"Of what?"
"That I pushed too hard. That I somehow pressured her into this relationship. That I was selfish and didn't think about her mental health at all and that I'm goin' to lose her because of that."
The hurt look on Maura's face was unmistakable and it made Jane stand up and walk down the hall. She couldn't sit there looking at that, it was precisely what she needed to avoid. It was bad enough that her own life was in a downward spiral, she shouldn't be dragging Maura down with her. It was too damn selfish. She reached the front door and pounded her fist against it, needing a little physical pain to distract her from the fresh emotional pain. Maura was doing her best. Hell, Maura was being amazing, but she was hurting.
"Jane," Maura sounded worried. She sounded close. She felt Maura's hand wrap around her arm and gently glide down it until she found her hand. It forced her to stop pounding her fist, but she refused to turn around. "Yes it hurts to hear the passion in your voice for her. Yes it hurts to know that the fear threatening to overwhelm you is centred around her, but that doesn't mean I can't handle it. That doesn't mean I can't be the friend you need right now."
Jane brought her forehead to rest against the door and closed her eyes. She heard and understood what Maura was saying. "It's not easy is it?" She asked in a near whisper, "Loving someone with all of your heart but you can't fix their pain. You can't save them from themselves."
"Love isn't always easy, Jane." Maura acknowledged softly, refusing to let go of her hand. "Easy for me would have been pretending I didn't see the way you look at her. Easy for me would have been to hold on to you as tight as I could, knowing you would never physically cheat on me, that you wouldn't leave me. I had your commitment. Easy would have been taking advantage of the martyr in you, Jane."
Jane thought about Maura's words, the painful honesty in them. It was a different perspective than she had seen when Maura first set her free. She had started to understand more recently that Maura did this out of love, but this perspective was extra painful. It showcased an innate understanding on Maura's behalf about who she was as a person. Her ex was absolutely correct in her assertions. It didn't matter how much she loved Melissa. She would never have allowed herself to be truly aware of it and if she somehow became aware of it she would have denied it for the rest of her life, or until Maura divorced her, whichever came first. She absolutely would have carried on trying to make Maura happy, while still trying to protect Melissa from the world all the while telling herself and the world that she loved Maura. It wouldn't have been miserable, they may have been quite content with a few moments of happiness here and there but she wouldn't feel complete.
Understanding all of that, of which Jane had no doubt Maura did meant that everything she did in choosing to set her free and everything she did now came at a heartbreaking cost. So long as Melissa chose her, Maura had zero hope of rekindling their romance and while Jane understood that, this was the first time she realised that Maura understood that too. That Maura had always understood that. It simultaneously made her heart swell and ache. She felt so incredibly loved by Maura, in ways that she hadn't felt before. In ways she wished she had been able to feel before everything shifted between them. Maura had probably shown it, she just hadn't understood and felt it for what it was.
She felt it now though and Maura's close proximity in combination with that understanding was causing a physical chain reaction in her body. "Maura," she said quietly, trying to find the words to get her ex to back off while her body tried to convince her to ignore her heart. Her heart knew this was a mistake. Their relationship was over and her love for Melissa was very real, very true, and all she was feeling was a not unexpected attraction to a very gorgeous woman who was showing her more love than she deserved right now. Her body was screaming for her to take the easy way out. It was screaming at her to turn around.
Fuck.
She really wanted to turn around. She wanted Maura to see her eyes, because she had no doubt her pupils were dilated. She wanted Maura to recognise all the other umpteen little signs only she with her thorough understanding of human anatomy would see that indicated her arousal. She wanted Maura to give her an excuse, God did she want that. She didn't want love to be this damn hard anymore. She didn't want to feel so lost. Melissa was probably going to leave her anyway.
Still, she didn't move.
It wasn't fair. It wasn't fair to herself. It wasn't fair to Melissa and it wasn't fair to Maura. What the Hell is wrong with her? This is not who she is. She doesn't cheat. She simply doesn't. Why the Hell does she so desperately want to turn around right now? Why does she want to punish everyone involved like this? She'd never forgive herself. She'd hurt Melissa in ways that she couldn't undo. It didn't fucking matter that Melissa might cheat on her in a moment of desperate need. Melissa's psyche was so fucking scarred, and she'd nearly been brutally murdered eight months ago. She got a little leeway, she just did. Even though the woman standing so close to her that their bodies were almost pressed together would never understand it. And what about that woman? If she turned around and took advantage of her love for her, she'd just be breaking her heart all over again. But surely she'd know right? She'd understand it was a one time deal. That it didn't mean anything. Could she live with herself? Could she keep this from Melissa? Would Maura forgive her? Would Maura even go there? She desperately wanted to find out.
The more she thought about it the more she realised she might have a messed up fucking kink. Her thoughts weren't sobering her body. She was only getting more aroused by the thought of cheating on Melissa and her self control was waning fast. A slight moan escaped from her lips. "Fuck," she whispered under her breath, hoping that Maura hadn't heard.
Maura's hand slid out of hers and ran along her arm, stopping at her shoulder, where Maura gently patted it. Jane was pretty sure Maura was just trying to comfort her, assuming that she was going through something heavy in her mind. She had no idea that the sensation of her soft fingers gliding along her arm only added to a painfully arousing situation.
"I should leave," Maura said quietly. Perhaps she did understand what was happening after all.
Jane rocked her head up and down against the door, terrified of moving away from it. Oh shit. How was she supposed to let Maura out of the house? Maybe the truth would diffuse the situation. "I don't want you to."
"What do you want?" Maura's voice was so soft and sensual, there was no way in Hell she didn't know what she was doing. Jane knew she ought to be mad about it, but she wasn't. Far from it.
"You." Jane admitted quietly.
"Turn around." Maura said softly.
Jane did just that. Maura took a step backwards and they locked eyes.
"You are in an emotional freefall at the moment, Jane. We have chemistry and I suspect that what I said had a profound impact on you emotionally, but you don't want this. The guilt will eat you alive. Do you understand that Jane?"
Jane nodded, she knew Maura was right. It didn't stop the ache from building. Clearly there was something seriously fucking wrong with her.
"You're desperate to feel good right now, because you're overwhelmed. We both know alcohol is a bad idea for you and I think your body is just trying to find something else that will make it feel good. This though, is Melissa levels of self destructive and I'm not sure your relationship can handle both of you being that way."
Maura was right. Jane knew it. She'd already been thinking about it. God, why did it make so much more sense coming from Maura?
"It's why I bought you the calzone, Jane. It is the least nutritious item, but I know for you it's the most desireable. You will get a small hit of dopamine from that and while I don't recommend it as a permanent solution, I think tonight the pros outweigh the cons."
Jane nodded and stared at Maura in awe. "You really do love me don't you?"
"If I didn't, you would have gotten your way and your life would have been even more stressful in the aftermath."
"So I don't just have some weird kink where the thought of cheating turns me on?" Jane asked sheepishly.
"While possible, I highly doubt it."
Jane nodded, feeling relieved. "I need to take a cold shower."
Maura nodded and stepped aside. Jane was half way down the hall when she said, "By the way, I slept with Gabby."
Jane stopped in her tracks and turned to look at Maura. "When?"
"The night before Alexis died."
Jane didn't know what to say to that. She didn't know what to think about that. Actually she had a lot of thoughts about that, some reasonable, some very unreasonable, but mostly… what the actual fuck? "Gabby cheated on Alex with you?"
Maura nodded, her eyes searching out the floor. She clearly felt some shame over the situation. Jane sighed. It felt like a heavy realisation, but it absolutely killed her arousal level. Which, she realised, was one intention. The other was clearly to get a secret off of her chest. Jane was actually impressed Maura had managed to keep that one to herself for as long as she had.
"Well at least you got to avoid all the drama that happens when the truth comes out." Jane was wincing as soon as she heard her attempt at an amusing observation fall from her own lips. She had no doubt Maura would happily endure that drama if it meant Alexis was alive and well. She held her hands up, palms out in front of her chest and said, "I know, I know. Completely inappropriate."
"Go take your shower, your food will be here shortly." Maura made a shooing motion.
Jane started walking back down the hall before stopping at the doorway into the living room. She turned back to Maura and for an unknown reason said, "She's in love with you, you know."
"I know."
"Is it going to be awkward between us now?" Jane asked from the doorway into the dining room.
Maura put the plate with the calzone down on the table and looked up questioningly at Jane. "Why would it be?"
Jane shrugged.
"You answering my questions honestly and allowing yourself to be vulnerable in front of me isn't awkward Jane. If anything it makes me hurt just a little less."
"Why is that?" Jane asked as she sauntered over to the table and sat down.
"Because it means you trust me. That means a lot to me."
"Mmk." Jane was ready to absolutely devour the calzone. Maura wasn't wrong about the benefits of a tasty treat. Her mood was already perking up just thinking about the melted cheese inside the folded up pizza dough. "Do you trust me though?"
Again Maura looked confused. "Why wouldn't I?"
"Well there's what we talked about earlier today and my whole relationship with Missy."
"You didn't have an affair Jane. You may have rushed into your new relationship and that does hurt. I'm not going to lie about that, but I can't really blame you for something you didn't understand yourself."
Jane pulled a piece of the calzone away from the other half where Maura had cut it for her before plating it and let the melted cheese, peppers, mushrooms and ham breathe a little. She didn't want to burn her mouth on hot cheese. She looked up at Maura who sat with her hands folded in front of her on the table. "Loving Missy is the easy part in all of this for me. It's hard at times, but it's not as hard as knowing how much I've hurt you. I really struggle with that, Maura."
"I know you do."
Jane smiled softly. It was nice to be able to talk so openly with Maura without feeling defensive. "Did you want some?" She asked, nudging the plate in Maura's direction.
The way Maura's face scrunched up before she said, "No," was too damn adorable.
Jane smiled slyly as she pulled the plate back towards herself and lifted one half of the calzone toward her mouth. "More for me."
They settled into a relatively comfortable silence, only interrupted by Jane's chewing. Sharing a few smiles across the table. Jane felt relaxed for the first time in days and the food was just the cherry on top. There was still a lot on her mind, but her stress had dropped to manageable levels.
After she had finished demolishing the calzone Jane set her eyes firmly on Maura. "Now did I hear something about baked lemon and lime tart?"
"Let your dinner settle, Jane." Maura playfully scolded.
Jane pouted, "Okay fine, but you gotta talk to me about something."
"What did you want to talk about?"
"How'd you and Gabby end up in bed together?"
Maura studied Jane for a good minute before nodding once, perhaps in agreement with a decision in her mind. Jane wasn't sure, but she waited for Maura to speak. "We were both hurting. I wasn't dealing well with the end of our relationship and Gabby had nearly hit Alexis. She was bereft."
Jane tried very hard to school her features, because thinking about Gabby throwing a punch at a romantic partner just didn't sit well with her. It would never sit well with her. It's why she had warned Gabby the way she had that afternoon. There would be no stopping her from destroying anyone who laid a finger on Maura like that. It was difficult trusting Gabby's assertion that it was different with Maura, but she was trying to because it wasn't her place to tell Maura who she could and couldn't be intimate with.
"So it just sorta happened?"
"It happened because I wanted it to." Maura corrected, "I'm not proud of it, given the circumstances."
"Don't do that. Don't beat yourself up. She's the one that should have said no because she's the one that was in the committed relationship."
"Do you think the love she feels for me is real, Jane?"
This was one of those moments where if roles were reversed Maura would be completely honest based on her observations. So Jane decided to push down all of her mistrust for Gabby regarding everything else in life and focused on Maura's question. She thought about the way Gabby was insistent on telling Maura the truth of what was happening. She thought about the way Gabby had come swinging at her when she thought that she was cheating on Maura with Melissa. She thought about the fact Gabby had fallen into bed with Maura while in a relationship. It was that fact that stuck out in Jane's mind. Gabby's loyalty to Melissa during that horrid open relationship was next level. Gabby had every right to sleep with other women and chose not to.
On the other hand she was there when Gabby held a dying Alexis in her arms and told her she loved her. Jane sighed, realising that she was trying really hard to find a reason to say no. Of course Gabby loved Alexis, and of course she would tell a dying woman that. She wasn't fucking cruel. Far from it. She was protective and loyal. That didn't mean she was in love with Alexis, or even if she thought she might have been, that she wasn't really in love with Maura. There was a reason her jealousy about Gabby had carried on long after she and Maura were together.
"Yeah Maura. I'm not sure she ever stopped loving you."
"I see." Maura acknowledged, her face poised and thoughtful, giving none of her feelings away.
"Do you think that's something you might want?" Jane asked gently, already convinced that on a subconscious level it was. Maura's protectiveness of Gabby had never wavered, even in the face of many questionable moments. She had a way to test her theory, but whether she did or not was dependent on if she thought Maura needed more evidence to understand her own heart.
"The morning of the funeral, she kissed me. I kissed her back." Maura's eyes fluttered closed and Jane just knew she was recalling vividly the kiss she spoke of. Surprisingly it was the kiss, and not the emotionally vulnerable fucking that left her feeling jealous. Maura's eyes snapped open and she added, "But when the kiss ended she told me she'd never leave me. I pushed her away at that point. I just couldn't."
Jane frowned. Playing a supportive friend to an ex was much harder than she expected and she was the one that no longer loved enough to be in the relationship. How the Hell was Maura doing this so easily? She was feeling jealous and possessive and she knew it was ridiculous and just internalised mistrust of Gabby fueling it, but it was still difficult to wade through. She soldiered on. "Do you think you did that because you felt like it was too soon? Or perhaps she triggered fear in you by promising not to leave?"
"I don't know." Maura answered softly, refusing to meet her eyes.
Jane sighed. It was time to pull out the big guns. "Well while you try to figure it out, I think you should know something I learned from Alec tonight."
"Oh?"
"Liam O'Connell, the missing cop who sexually assaulted Rachael at the academy was killed. By either Rachael or Gabby and Alec helped cover it up. He is adamant it was self defence, but why didn't they come forward? He refused to tell me which one of them was responsible, Maura. Why would he protect a dead woman?"
For a moment Maura froze but then her features darkened and she said, "No! It wasn't Gabby. She couldn't. She wouldn't."
"Anyone's capable of it, Maura. If pushed to the right extreme. You know that better than anyone." Jane pressed, partly because she was trying to help Maura understand some things and partly because she was fucking angry again. The impact on Melissa's life was undeniable. "Alec has been investigating the death of Rachael since 2005. He says the killer contacted him and that Liam being missing is his prime motivator. The killer is convinced Rachael had something to do with it and that she's alive. Which puts us in a real shitty situation. Cause there's no way this ends well for anyone. So from where I stand whoever killed Liam, self defence or not is the reason that Missy is a fucking mess."
"Jane," Maura reached out across the table and tried to take her hand, but Jane pulled it away. She didn't mean to be a jerk about it, but reminding herself of the situation they were in left her shaken and disturbed.
"It doesn't have to change anything for you," Jane managed to grind out, " It does for me though. I don't think I'll ever forgive her if she's the reason Missy's lost so much. I just fuckin' can't, Maura."
"No, Jane." Maura said firmly, an unexpected strength in her eyes. She was clearly sure of something. "This changes everything."
"Don't give up on her because I can't stand her guts."
"It wasn't her, Jane. That's what I'm trying to tell you."
Maura seemed quite adamant, which was to be expected, but there was something else in her eyes that Jane couldn't quite grasp. "What are you talking about?"
"He's not protecting Gabby. He's protecting Rachael."
"She's a dead woman, Maura. He's loyal, but he's not stupid." Jane countered.
"She's not dead."
A/N: Hey guys, I felt inspired last night and thus another chapter is released. I hope you enjoy and thank you all for reading and commenting, it is really motivational.
Oh boy, oh boy. How is Jane going to react to what Maura just told her?