Every Little Thing

by wolvesjr34

PART II Saints & Sinners Universe. What if It's You sequel. Jane & Maura face major hurdles in chasing their happily ever after. An attack on Missy six months ago has widespread ramifications as she falls apart and Jane swoops in to play saviour. But at what cost? It's a soap, characters have evolved since the prequel and are going to be OOC by the sheer nature of it being a SOAP.

36. Chapter 36

Chapter Thirty Six

"Oh, look what the cat dragged in."

Gabby sounded a little put out and Jane couldn't blame her. She'd committed to stopping by the night before and she hadn't shown. She absolutely would have if Melissa hadn't called her and the night hadn't deteriorated from there. Melissa needed her and then when that moment passed and they figured out the next steps forward, she'd gone with Melissa back to St Luke's. Where Jane discovered Melissa had simply walked out in the middle of the day when nobody was paying attention. Jane had made it very clear that she would rain hellfire and brimstone down on the hospital if they let that happen again.

Not to mention it was eight o'clock in the morning and Jane had to do some serious persuading of the nursing staff to be allowed in to see Gabby in the first place.

"It was a long night." Jane offered, feeling guarded. The last two nights weighed heavily on her.

Gabby shifted in the bed, pulling herself up straighter. It appeared she was healing quickly, because she barely winced. She offered Jane a look of understanding. "Don't worry about it, honestly I'm just grateful you're here now. I hate being trapped in this bed."

Jane pulled a chair closer to the bed and sat down. They had a lot to talk about and clearly Gabby was trying to embrace their uncomfortable peace. For that reason she held her tongue, swallowing down a sarcastic retort. Instead Jane tried to soften her features. She tried to look friendly, despite the fact that she had a certain level of uncertainty rumbling around inside her. "Well I'm sure Maura is keeping you company during the days."

"It's a four our visitors window, Jane."

Jane shrugged and observed, "That's not an insignificant amount of time. You need to rest and recover."

"You sound just like her," Gabby griped.

"She's wise beyond her years." Jane answered, an unexpected softness to her tone which caused Gabby's eyes to narrow suspiciously. Jane hurried on to deviate away from a conversation neither of them would particularly enjoy. "I actually have a couple of real questions for you Gabby and I need you to be honest with me."

"Are you taking care of my dog?" Gabby shot back.

Jane nodded. "Just as you suggested."

Gabby appeared happy with that. "Alright then. What do you want to know?"

"Was it Rachael that brought you to the hospital the other night?"

It fascinated Jane the way that Gabby didn't even flinch, nor did she lie. Within a microsecond the injured woman clearly assessed the situation accurately. "Maura told you?"

Jane nodded.

Gabby shook her head, closing her eyes briefly, numerous emotions rolling across her face. Upon opening her eyes and locking onto Jane, she quietly, but firmly confirmed, "Yeah, it was her."

It took Jane every ounce of self control learned from years of nodding and smiling at her mother when she was getting extra annoying but feeling extra vulnerable to not give away her burning hatred for the woman. She hoped that she kept her features neutral. "Did you know this whole time?"

"Fuck no," Gabby answered emphatically. Her hands curled into fists. There was clearly a lot of anger there, Jane suspected that anger would become murderous intent if Gabby knew what she knew. "Does Missy know?"

Jane shook her head. That conversation, which already felt difficult to tackle before last night, now felt monumental. There was no telling how Melissa would react given her own recent memory recovery. "No. I don't know how to tell her that."

A myriad of emotions could be seen flashing across Gabby's face, worry becoming the most prevalent of them as the Australian appeared to carefully consider her next words. Gabby sounded a little hesitant, but resigned to the truth when she explained, "I really didn't want you to know, Jane. Because I know this puts you in a difficult spot."

Jane sighed heavily, the weight of it all bearing down on her soul. "You have no idea."

Gabby frowned and looked knowingly at Jane. "I know that honesty is the most important thing to her these days. I also know that she's not near ready to face something like this. So actually, I think I kind of do understand."

"Yeah, I guess you do." Jane agreed, despite knowing that was only half of it. "I'll figure it out, but there's something else I need to ask you."

"Well I'm not sure there's anything else you don't know."

Jane really hoped that was the truth, because the ramifications of her next question would be felt by them both and those around them for a long time. If Maura's assertion the night before was confirmed true, then merely asking this question had the potential to really hurt Gabby. The level of betrayal Jane felt was nothing on what Gabby could potentially feel given it was her two best friends at different times of life that led them down this path of death and destruction.

Jane honed in on Gabby's eyes to search them for the truth when she eventually fought through her hesitation and bluntly asked, "Did you kill Liam?"

Gabby looked incredulous and confused. "I'm sorry what?"

"Liam O'Connell. Did you kill him in self defence?"

Gabby shook her head, her eyes wide in disbelief. Jane could sense that her mind was racing trying to figure out what this had to do with anything. "Hell no. I wish I had, the bastard had it coming. So they finally found him?"

Jane shook her head. It was time for the hard part. "No. I suspect they never will, because Alec helped hide the body."

"That's absurd." Gabby reacted immediately, completely disbelieving. "He believes in the law too much to do that."

"He admitted it to me, Gabby. While conveniently forgetting to tell me that Rachael is alive. He refused to tell me who he was covering for, but if you're adamant it wasn't you..."

Silence descended between them for several long minutes.

Gabby's face ran the gamut of emotions, from confusion, to sadness before settling on rage. "That coward," she growled angrily. "That fucking coward."

Jane felt fairly certain that Gabby was drawing the right conclusions, but decided to be very sure about that. "Alec told me this killer is after the truth about Liam, that he wants revenge. He's been trying to draw Rachael out."

Gabby's eyes fixated on the wall beyond Jane's shoulder. Jane wasn't surprised she was struggling with the information. Even if she had known some of what was happening, as clearly she and Alec had conspired to keep the truth about Rahael quiet, she was absolutely blindsided by the death of Liam. "So she killed Liam and one of those fucktards wants revenge?"

The question sounded rhetorical as Gabby was clearly processing all the information she already knew in conjunction with this new information; undoubtedly forming very painful realisations. Her eyes shifted to Jane's, and with a very cold, steely gaze she said, "Rachael knows. She knows she's the target and the fuckin' bitch knows it's with good reason too and she's still hiding like a fuckin' coward."

Jane's gaze hardened right alongside Gabby's. For the first time since they met, Jane felt a genuine bond form between them. It was born from a mutual loathing and Jane realised it was time to make sure they were both on the same page completely. They both needed to share information, confirm what they knew, what they had been told, figure out what was real and what was smoke and mirrors. Because the deeper she got into this, the fewer people she felt she could trust.

Before that though, Jane had a nagging burning sensation in her gut begging her to ask the question sitting on the tip of her tongue. An answer she felt like she had, but the awareness to recognise that it may be fueled by her own hatred. Gabby knew Rachael better, or at least, maybe she did. "Do you think she could have killed him in cold blood?"

Gabby's immediate reaction was to shake her head vigorously in the negative. "No way. The woman she was back then, not likely. She believed in following the law, even when it wasn't on her side."

Jane rubbed at the back of her neck, she could feel her shoulders and neck muscles tightening from the tension building in her body. It was taking so much energy not to enlighten Gabby on who Rachael really was. The only thing stopping her was that it wasn't her story to tell and Melissa wouldn't necessarily be pleased if she went about town spilling her private business. Not with something like this, and yet Gabby of all people was in a position to notice things. Jane looked away, her molars ground together as she attempted to swallow down the rage that was ready to boil over just thinking about what Melissa endured.

Jane focused on the pertinent discussion. "Alec said it was self defence, but if that was the case and it wasn't excessive force for the situation, why wouldn't she just come forward?"

"This place is a boys club. I know you know that. It was worse back then. You saw the report. They didn't do a damn thing about her assault, but by reporting it she sure would have copped a lot of suspicion about pre meditation because of their history." Gabby reasoned, clearly recognising that now was not the time to let her anger win. "It would have killed her career at the very least. I don't imagine Alec would have let her come forward even if she wanted to."

Jane nodded slowly, thinking back to her last conversation with Alec and what Gabby said tracked with his explanation. She sighed heavily and rubbed both her temples at the same time, the muscle tension leading to a headache. "And the result is a fucking mess."

"Yeah. Alec said that Rachael was recognised in Sydney a month before Chicago happened. She found a note telling her to come forward, to own up to what she did to Liam."

Alec said he had received the note, but this made so much more sense to Jane. She simply nodded and filed it away for later. "Do you agree with Alec that Justin or Douglas is the likely guilty party?"

Gabby shrugged. "He told me that's who they suspect, but honestly Jane, they were both just real pricks. Neither of 'em seemed nuts."

"Hillenbrandt says he's seen a picture of Liam, Douglas and Justin together at the academy. He said Justin clearly had a thing for Liam. So that's put him at number one on my list and I'll be talking to his brother Brian this week to see if there's something that was missed that might help us locate Justin."

Jane could see in Gabby's eyes that she was considering the new information as a reasonable motive. Gabby asked, "Can you tell me how it goes?"

Jane nodded. "I'll keep you informed, but let's keep it all between you, me and Jacob from now on. I don't trust Alec anymore."

"Yeah, me either." Gabby agreed sadly.

It was quite apparent that the last of her faith in her friend had been destroyed by this morning's conversation. Jane hated that for Gabby, but at the same time didn't want her getting caught in the crossfire when she didn't deserve to be there. It was quite apparent now that they were talking that every word Gabby had ever said about caring about Melissa was true and even with her anger issues, she hadn't allowed herself to actually do anything heinous. Gabby was a good cop and a good person and although she might not ever admit it outloud, especially to Maura, Jane finally understood what her ex-fiancée saw in the woman.

"Are you okay?" Jane asked, because the look on Gabby's face had taken her far away and the gravity of the situation they were in was heavy. Not to mention all of the implications surrounding ultimate responsibility for Alexis' death. It was a very fortunate thing for Rachael that Gabby was laid up in hospital with serious injuries to heal from. Jane ignored the fact her own impulse control could very well be tested if she ever came face to face with the woman, but that had a lot more to do with what Rachael had directly done to Melissa and less to do with the domino effect she had set into motion all those years ago.

Gabby blinked a couple of times and offered up what may have been intended as a smile but looked nothing more than a grimace. She didn't speak at first and Jane just leaned back and made herself comfortable in the chair she sat in. Gabby's eyes tracked her every movement before the injured woman finally spoke, "You should know that there's a big chance she's coming back once we catch this guy."

Jane clenched her jaw tightly. She already suspected as much. Her gut instincts were rarely ever wrong. She appreciated the respect Gabby chose to show her by sharing her intimate understanding of her former best friend. "I figured."

"She won't respect your relationship, Jane." Gabby looked desperately worried. "She will be coming for Missy."

The certainty with which Gabby spoke sent chills down Jane's spine. Rachael had well and truly fucked with Melissa's head. It seemed logical that Melissa would only grow more and more aware of this as she worked on her repressed memories, but Jane couldn't shake the fear that Melissa would fall right back under her spell and back into the arms of her abuser.

Jane didn't want to lose Melissa to anyone, however her own recent experiences told her that the heart wanted what the heart wanted and nothing in life was guaranteed. She'd absolutely fight for her, but she would also bow out gracefully if someone else ever meant more to Melissa and could make her happier, because that's how deeply Jane loved her. If Kelly came back into the picture, so be it. Hell, if Gabby came back into the picture for the umpteenth time, so be it. If that cute barista from the coffee shop near the hospital came into the picture, so be it. But Rachael? It would be a cold day in Hell before she ever let that happen.

For a moment Jane wondered what Gabby saw in her eyes as they stared at one another. Gabby was looking out for Melissa and in her own way showing a level of loyalty to Jane that would matter in the coming days. Jane on the other hand was having a very difficult time burying her visceral hatred for Rachael. Her voice dripped with venom when she made it very clear to Gabby how she felt about the possibility of Rachael returning to romantically pursue Melissa. "Over. My. Dead. Body."

---

"Jane?"

"Yeah?"

"Are you alright?"

"I'm fine."

"Then why have you been staring out the window for the past five minutes with a pensive look on your face?" Melissa questioned quietly.

Jane turned to face her girlfriend who slipped off the bed and approached her cautiously. She let out a tired sigh and forced a smile that she knew wouldn't meet her eyes. Her day had consisted of chasing down every pointless tip regarding the possible whereabouts of Bertie in an effort to avoid Alec. Just thinking about him made her blood boil. "Work stuff."

Melissa stopped in front of Jane and appeared to study the detective closely. Jane shifted her feet and looked back towards the window. It felt strange being back where it all started. Well, where it all changed. The first time she met Melissa she was unconscious in Maura's arms. Jane blinked away that memory and rolled her shoulders to distract her mind from the chill that ran down her spine.

"Talk to me, Jane."

"I never thought we'd be back here." Jane admitted quietly, still refusing to make eye contact.

"Sit with me."

Melissa took Jane by the hand and gently pulled her towards the bed. Jane allowed her feet to follow even though her mind was bouncing all over the place. She sat down on the edge of the bed and finally glanced sideways at her girlfriend. It was the first time she had made any real eye contact since showing up after work. She tried to tell herself she didn't want to see devastation in Melissa's eyes from her new memories, but really she didn't want Melissa to see the guilt in hers.

Jane wondered what Melissa saw, but dared not say anything.

"Hold me?"

Jane nodded and lifted her arm so that Melissa could tuck her head against her chest. Jane's fingers flexed and settled against her girlfriend's shoulder and she pressed a lingering kiss into Melissa's hair. "Of course," she acknowledged softly.

"How are you with all this?" Melissa asked quietly.

Jane took a deep breath and exhaled slowly in an attempt to clear her head and answer honestly. It was hard to tell the truth, because the truth was she felt murderous. She had fallen asleep the night before thinking about the many different ways she could make Rachael permanently disappear and a few messier ways that just felt incredibly satisfying in the moment. "I'm still processing."

"You should talk to someone."

Jane felt Melissa's arms around her torso tighten and fought really hard not to tense up. Knowing that Melissa's abuser was still out there somewhere just waiting for an opportune moment to return left her revisiting some of those dream scenarios. A bullet between the eyes would be too quick, but it was the scenario her mind kept replaying over and over again even as she tried to push it away.

Aware that Melissa was waiting for a response Jane said, "It's not my story to tell."

"It's my story, yes." Melissa agreed, her fingers playing with the hem of Jane's shirt. "But what happens to me happens to you and I know this hurts you."

Jane felt tears pricking the corner of her eyes. It did hurt. She ached. Even though there wasn't a damned thing she could ever have done about it, given she was busy living her life in Boston when it all happened. "Yeah," Jane answered roughly, emotion catching in her throat. She cleared her throat and tried continuing, "I hate that you went through that. It makes me so angry."

"I know," Melissa said softly, "That's why you should talk about it with someone. You can't keep it bottled in."

Jane pressed her lips against Melissa's head once more, taking a deep whiff of the shampoo that comforted her. Without fail this woman surprised her on a near daily basis with the depth of her heart. They were sitting on a bed, in a room, on a psychiatric ward and she was facing up to repressed memories that drastically altered a significant chunk of her history and yet Melissa wasn't wallowing. Instead she was paying attention to her needs; to her mental health.

"You amaze me."

Melissa pulled back and untangled their bodies to make eye contact. Jane stared into eyes as blue as the ocean and remembered exactly why she had been drawn to this woman in the first place. Her eyes simply sucked Jane in, then and now.

Jane's lips curled in her first genuine smile of the day. "I mean it," she reiterated. "You amaze me."

"There you are," Melissa whispered as she gently tilted Jane's head to a more acceptable angle with her index finger and leaned in for a kiss.

Jane closed her eyes and melted into the kiss. It was sweet and tender. It was delicate and told her exactly how Melissa felt. The love Jane felt flowing between them was beautiful and it felt like home. It felt like she belonged and it came to a roaring halt when her stomach dropped courtesy of the guilt holding her in a vice-like grip. It was too much. She couldn't stand it any longer. There was only one secret she held that was safe to expel and so she blurted it out in a panic, "I kissed Maura."

Melissa recoiled slightly, her eyes darkening dangerously. The swirl was quite beautiful, Jane thought, before swallowing thickly when recognition set in that she was in very dangerous waters. "Missy, I…"

"When?"

Jane stared like a deer in headlights. Honesty is what's important, she knows this but Melissa's eyes look torn between heartbreak and anger. Admitting to when would only fuel that fire. Jane blinked as the realisation set in that it didn't really matter when. It mattered that it happened at all. It mattered that she let it happen. It mattered that it happened with Maura.

Say something. Anything. Come on Jane, you're losing her.

"Two nights ago."

Jane could see Melissa's brain shift into overdrive and she knew that couldn't possibly be a good thing, but what could she do? Whatever Melissa had to say or chose to do was fair game. She did this. She caused this giant fucking chasm to spring up between them and it left her feeling sick to her stomach.

"Get out."

Jane blinked away the tears she felt pooling in her eyes and nodded. She stood and headed for the door. She knew she should fight for forgiveness. She knew she should try to explain the circumstances; the shock; the fear. She knew she should try and yet it was everything she could do just to hold it together enough to breathe, let alone stand and walk towards the door. Because even if it cost her the woman she loved, she wouldn't dump the reality of Rachael's existence on Melissa's head while she was just coming to terms with what was done to her as a young teen.

Jane paused when she reached the door. She didn't turn because she didn't think she could handle seeing the heartbreak in Melissa's eyes. "I love you, Missy. I know it's hard to believe and I know I deserve whatever happens next, but I do love you."

"You can't even look me in the eyes when you say it." Melissa's voice was cold and close by.

Jane closed her eyes and took a fortifying breath before slowly turning and opening her eyes. She stretched out to her full height and stared Melissa down. Tears were already flowing down her girlfriend's face and it caused a clenching in Jane's chest from knowing she was the cause of it. With an intensity burning in her eyes and fierce sincerity in her voice Jane met the challenge. "I love you, Melissa."

Melissa met her stare head on for what felt like a very long minute, before taking in several very obvious breaths. Jane felt like she was trying to calm herself down and she admired that. It wasn't easy in the heat of the moment to stop the momentum in your brain. Jane knew that first hand.

"I'm sorry," Melissa said quietly, wiping the tears from her face with the back of her hand. "This isn't how we do things. Please, just explain the context and what it means."

Jane glanced around the room, really taking it in for the first time. She noticed the chairs set up opposite one another. She hazarded a guess that it was for the therapy sessions. Jane motioned in the direction of the chairs and then sat down in one of them, her eyes tracking Melissa all the way into the other chair. Melissa leaned forward, bringing her elbows to rest on her knees. Jane pinched the bridge of her nose; this wasn't supposed to be happening.

"Don't apologise," Jane said quietly, "You have every right to feel the way you do. I uh… I've been struggling. When I left you in Gloria's office, this heavy weight settled in my chest. All I could think was that I was losing you."

"Jane, no." Melissa's voice was soft and her eyes told the truth of the absurdity of Jane's thoughts that afternoon.

Jane waved her off, "I know, God I know that now. I went to see Gabby about it."

Melissa's eyes widened in surprise. "What did she have to say for herself?"

"She called me selfish for jumping into our relationship as quickly as I did and she's right. I didn't give you room to breathe, Missy. I didn't give you a chance to process all of the grief you've been experiencing since Gabby left. I'm sorry."

Anger flashed in Melissa's eyes momentarily, but she didn't speak for a while. It left Jane feeling uncomfortable and wondering if she should continue to explain, but she chose to wait. Finally Melissa rattled off several questions. "Is that why you kissed her? Because you rushed into us? Because you didn't get a chance to process your own feelings about your engagement ending?"

If only. It may have been a condensed period of time for the normal person, but not with the way she fixated on her relationships. Jane knew she had processed and come to terms with reality, she wouldn't have told Melissa or Maura the things she had in the last week if they didn't feel true. She had no choice but to look deep within because her behaviour was so out of character that even she recognised it once she was in the thick of it with Melissa. "No, that's not it."

Melissa nodded to indicate she heard, but didn't say another word.

Jane took it as her cue to continue. "After work I met Alec to discuss what he knew about this psychotic asshole hunting us." Jane's jaw clenched just remembering the conversation. She had to look away. Melissa was paying close attention and giving her every opportunity to redeem herself with the truth and the truth wasn't something she was willing to share. Not all of it anyway.

"What happened with Alec, Jane?" Melissa clearly picked up on the underlying tension and it left Jane shaking her head.

Jane took a moment to compose herself and formulate her careful truth. When her eyes met Melissa's she firmly said, "He covered up a crime. A crime that directly links back to all the death that has surrounded you since 2005. It took every ounce of willpower I had left not to beat the living shit out of him, Missy."

"What crime?"

For a moment Jane weighed up the pros and cons and reality was Melissa was already questioning everything about Rachael. This particular truth couldn't possibly hurt any more than what Melissa had already remembered. "Rachael killed someone. Alec said it was self defence, but I don't know."

Melissa blinked rapidly a couple of times, perhaps a little shocked, but to Jane's surprise she didn't ask anything else about that. Her focus remained on Jane's story. "So you left that conversation angry?"

Jane shook her head. "I left in tears. That moment. My worry for you. The fear that this isn't close to being over and that I might still lose you… it opened a floodgate of emotion. It was too much. I needed to make it stop. So I bought a bottle of Jack and drove home."

Melissa reached across the space between them and Jane allowed her to take her hand. She relished the contact and the empathy that came with it. The worry in Melissa's eyes made Jane feel guilty for putting it all out there, but if she didn't tell the truth - well the parts of it she could anyway - she would lose this woman.

"Please tell me you didn't lose your sobriety?"

"I wanted to call you so badly, sweetheart. But I wanted to respect your needs." Jane dropped her head, filled with shame for the weakness that had set the ball rolling. She should never have bought the whiskey and then there wouldn't have been a need for Maura to come over. "I texted Maura. She came right over."

Melissa stood up and quietly asked, "Did she… I mean…"

Jane stood too, her chest aching to reach out and draw Melissa into her arms. However she resisted the temptation because it was only going to get worse before it could get better because the whole truth as far as what happened with Maura that night needed to be shared. They both needed to be able to make sense of it. Jane took a deep breath and said, "She poured it all down the sink. I didn't drink. She ordered food and we got to talking about you and my feelings for you and I said something that hurt her."

"What did you say?"

"That I was afraid of losing you."

For a moment Melissa was still until she wasn't. In a flurry of movement Melissa pressed their bodies together, her hands cupped Jane's cheeks and she leaned in for a kiss, which Jane eagerly returned. Melissa's hands then slipped down Jane's front and gripped her shirt, which she used to guide Jane away from the chairs. She pressed the bewildered American up against the wall and asked, "Who kissed who first?"

Jane was feeling a little startled, a little aroused and a little terrified staring into wild eyes. Melissa was apparently tired of waiting through the long story. She wanted the short version. "She-she did," Jane managed to stammer out.

Melissa ghosted her lips across Jane's and asked, "How did she kiss you? Was it like this?"

Melissa's lips were gentle and Jane couldn't help but melt into them. She tried not to think about the question, it felt like a trap. When she felt an absence of lips on her own she opened her eyes and realised she had no choice but to answer. She immediately flashed back to the kiss and how wet, desperate and sloppy it was.

Jane gripped Melissa by the arms and expertly flipped their positions. "No," she growled, "It was more like this." Jane proceeded to kiss Melissa with urgency and desperation and when she was low on oxygen she pulled away and brought her head to rest against the wall beside her girlfriend's head. She panted as she caught her breath, her eyes closed and the entire kiss replayed itself over and over again in her mind.

"You wanted her, didn't you?" Melissa whispered into Jane's ear.

Jane felt hot tears slide down her own face as she reluctantly nodded the truth.

"Show me." Melissa commanded.

Jane had no idea what was happening. She was quite frankly a little terrified that something had snapped in her girlfriend's brain. However all Melissa was seeking was truth and as messed up as this little game of show and tell was it almost felt fitting.

"Forgive me," Jane whispered before she dropped her hands down to Melissa's waist and found her lips once more, this time sliding her tongue willfully inside her girlfriend's mouth. She pressed their bodies even closer together and controlled the kiss with force and absolutely zero tenderness before breaking away and stepping back from her girlfriend, her chest heaving as she sucked in much needed oxygen.

"You wanted to possess her." Melissa stated as if it were fact, her eyes honing in like a laser guided missile on Jane's worried eyes.

Jane shook her head. "I was angry with her."

"Why?"

"Because she said something that rocked me to my core." Jane admitted, caught off guard.

"What did she say, Jane?"

"She… it doesn't matter. It didn't go any further. I caught myself, I couldn't… I wouldn't do that to you."

"And yet you kissed her."

It was a simple observation. There was no nasty tone. If anything Melissa sounded completely calm. It was confusing, Jane didn't know how to read her girlfriend right now. "It won't happen again. There was so much going on and I just, I fucked up. Please Missy, please understand."

"I do," she said calmly, "What did she say?"

Jane immediately turned away and strode across the room to the window. She looked out at the green lawn and hedges and sought solace for a moment in time, because there was no way in Hell she was telling Melissa about Rachael. "Trust me, Missy. I will tell you in time. It's just not a good time right now."

Jane felt Melissa's hand on her shoulder, but she didn't turn. She knew her request would have fallen on deaf ears because there was one thing alone that mattered to Melissa. Honesty. She was being asked a direction question and she was refusing to answer. Even after that weird game of show and tell she knew she was forgiven for the kiss because she didn't hold back. She was painfully honest and they would survive it. They might even come out the other side thriving because of it. As long as she told the truth now.

Jane couldn't. She wouldn't. There was no telling the damage the truth would do right now. She couldn't risk it. She wouldn't risk Melissa's mental health, which was already hanging by a thread. Jane's head dropped, she felt utter desolation. The future she longed for with Melissa was slipping through her fingers.

"I desperately want to, Jane. After everything we've been through, I don't want to lose you and I don't want to walk away from you."

"So don't. Missy, please. It's fucking killing me. I know how much honesty matters to you. I know it's the only thing that matters. So please, sweetheart. Please understand. Please trust me. I will tell you when the time is right."

The hand slipped from her shoulder and she heard Melissa retreat. Reluctantly Jane turned and saw the fresh bout of tears running down her girlfriend's face. Any other time they might have survived this conversation, but the timing couldn't have been worse. Whether Melissa ended things or not, they were not okay. Only the truth could set them free and Jane wouldn't budge on that.

"You should go. Gloria will be here soon." Melissa's voice was timid. Her arms were wrapped protectively around her middle and for a brief moment Jane contemplated just blurting it all out but then her brain flashed back to the time Melissa pulled the trigger and she shut that thought right the fuck down.

Jane walked over to Melissa and gently pressed a kiss against her forehead, thankful that Melissa allowed that level of contact. "I love you Missy, you might not see it now, but one day you will."

Melissa simply nodded. She didn't say anything and Jane understood precisely why. If she said something right now she might regret it, so Jane, desperately clinging to what was left of them, nodded once herself and left the room. She was only a few paces down the hall when she heard several loud crashes come from Melissa's room. She flinched with each sound. She was responsible for what was happening in that room. She turned back towards the nurses station and saw several people rushing into the room.

Jane sprinted back to the room just in time for an orderly to block her way. She tried to push past him, but he held her back. She could only watch on as Melissa was sedated. A primal roar of grief escaped her lips, and Jane knew she must look wild, but they were strapping Melissa to her bed and it was all her fault.

The orderly continued to push Jane away from the room and explained, "It's for her own good, just calm down lady."

Jane shrugged out of the beefy guy's grasp and held her hands up as if to say she was backing off at which point a bewildered looking Doctor Levinson showed up on the scene. She looked from Jane to the orderly and then her feet carried her towards the doorway to Melissa's room. Jane watched as Gloria's shoulders dropped slightly and then she swung back around to look between Jane and the orderly. "What happened?"

"She freaked out, we had to sedate her." A nurse answered as she exited the room. She waved the orderly off and he disappeared around a corner.

Gloria nodded and thanked the nurse, then made a point to meet Jane's eyes and motion down the hall. Jane followed the psychiatrist down the hall to the elevator, which they travelled in, blanketed by an uncomfortable silence.

They walked into the carpark together and Gloria put her hand on Jane's forearm quite gently, letting go immediately when she had the rattled American's attention. "Are you alright?"

There were zero words that could explain how decidedly not right she was, so Jane simply shook her head.

"Why did Melissa freak out?"

"Because I kissed Maura and refused to tell her the core reason it happened." Jane stated matter-of-factly.

Gloria's brows furrowed. Clearly she was just as privy to Melissa's near obsession with honesty. Her mind however, must have gone elsewhere. "Please tell me you didn't just break up with her today?"

"Of course not. The kiss was a mistake and I didn't even mean to bring it up right now. I didn't mean for any of this to happen."

"Did she break up with you?"

Jane sighed heavily. She understood that Gloria wasn't asking any of these questions to gossip. The psychiatrist was clearly doing everything in her power to look after Melissa and for that reason alone Jane gave an honest answer. "I don't know. I don't think so, but she's really stuck on the honesty thing, even though I told her I would tell her what she needed to know when the time is right."

"Why won't you tell her now?"

Jane's eyes narrowed and she looked Gloria square in the face. "Because I refuse to bury the woman I love."

Gloria's eyes widened. "Surely not."

"Gloria, I am telling you she can't handle the truth right now. Do you understand me? Please just help her."

Gloria nodded, paused for a moment and then asked, "What about you Jane? Who's going to help you?"

"Don't worry about me, I've got an old friend to lean on." Jane opened her car door and climbed inside. She looked up and offered a resigned smile at Gloria's obvious concern. "I'll be fine.

On the way home, Jane stopped at the bottle shop and picked up a bottle of her old friend Jack Daniels. Tonight she wouldn't be needing an intervention.

---

"Commander Hillenbrandt is on the warpath, Maura. Where is Jane?"

Alec's words were still ringing in Maura's ears as she approached the front door of Melissa's house. She had her phone in one hand and with the other she knocked firmly on the door. She had been calling Jane repeatedly from the moment the call with Alec ended with no luck and it was starting to worry her. It was completely out of character for Jane to ignore an important work call. Knocking wasn't getting her anywhere, but Jane's vehicle was parked in the driveway.

Maura tried calling again, this time she heard Jane's phone from inside the house. She felt her heart rate quicken. What on earth was going on with Jane? Was she in the shower and just couldn't hear her phone? Maura glanced around the front porch looking for somewhere Melissa may have hidden a spare key. She checked under the welcome mat, but nothing. There was a garish looking garden gnome sitting on a front window sill. It left her seriously questioning Melissa's taste in decoration, but provided zero assistance.

Maura could feel her agitation and concern growing, so she tried banging on the front door again. Still no sound from within the house to indicate Jane was making any effort to answer the door. In desperation she tried the handle on the front door and was flooded with both relief and utter disbelief when it opened. The front door was unlocked. What was she going to find inside the house?

"Jane?" Maura called out tentatively, attempting to maintain an outer semblance of calm in spite of a maelstrom of negative emotion rising within.

Maura carefully closed the front door behind her and manoeuvred further inside. She could hear Charlie barking from somewhere down the rear end of the house. It sounded muffled, so she suspected he was in the backyard.

As she exited the hall into the living room, Maura's anxiety ratcheted up several notches because it looked like a struggle had taken place. Picture frames were smashed and there was an indentation in the wall. A small thump was enough to startle Maura, who nearly jumped out of her skin. Her eyes looked toward the direction the sound came from and fell on a rather unkempt looking Jane, whose hair was wild and free hanging down over the edge of the couch. Jane was face down, with an arm hanging off the side clutching fruitlessly at a nearly empty bottle of whiskey on the ground.

"Oh Jane," Maura murmured, her anxiety fading into a deep concern for her love. She tiptoed past broken frames and knelt down next to the inebriated detective and gently pulled her hair back behind her ear.

Jane swatted at the annoyance and garbled something incoherent. This wasn't good. Jane was going to need a little time to sober up. Maura didn't have much choice. She needed to force a certain level of recovery on Jane, because if she didn't attend this crime scene there was a very real chance her promotion would vanish and maybe even her entire career. Maura couldn't let that happen. Jane had already lost so much and given up so much.

The first thing Maura did was reach over and snatch the bottle away from a hand just about to grab hold of it. She then took it out to the kitchenette, found the broom and a dustpan and came back into the living room to sweep up the broken glass. She dumped that in the trash and went and turned the shower on cold and proceeded to help Jane off of the couch. Maura ignored the noxious breath and annoyed protests as she helped Jane half walk and half stumble her way into the bathroom. Without any regard to what was coming next, Maura heaved Jane into the shower clothes and all.

Maura was already in the hall headed for the kitchenette when she heard Jane yelp, "Sweet Jesus."

Maura smirked to herself just a little. It wasn't really the time for it, but she couldn't allow herself to be pulled down into the muck like Jane had. One of them had to be the adult in the room and if that meant taking a moment to enjoy the fact Jane was probably stumbling around the bathroom trying to get out of soaking wet cold clothes, then so be it.

Once in the kitchenette Maura located the strongest coffee she could and despite the fact it was instant, definitely Jane's doing, she turned the kettle on to boil and then opened the refrigerator. She found one of the containers of pasta from the other night and emptied it into a microwave safe container and set about nuking it long enough to thoroughly re-heat the meat in the dish. While that was happening she returned to the coffee and finished preparing it.

Maura set the coffee down on the dining room table at the same time that Jane entered the room, wrapped in towels, looking bedraggled and cold. She was shivering, but her eyes looked a little more alert than they had earlier. Those same eyes honed right in on Maura and with a tone bordering on irritation Jane asked, "Why the Hell did you do that?"

Maura stood hands on hips with her lips pursed. She spoke in a clipped tone, "You are inebriated and have missed multiple calls from dispatch and Detective Morris. There's a fresh body and according to Detective Morris, Commander Hillenbrandt is on the warpath. He's out for your blood, Jane."

"Oh, right. Okay. I better get dressed." Jane said, pointing towards the bedroom.

"Yes Jane, I believe you should." Maura responded, before retreating to the kitchenette when the microwave dinged. She thought for a moment about dirtying a bowl but decided against it. Jane didn't care where her food came from, she'd likely scarf it down anyway. So Maura simply grabbed a fork and stuck it into the pasta and carried the container out into the dining area, placing it down beside the coffee.

"Oh yes, water." Maura mumbled to herself as she returned to the kitchenette to fill a tall glass with water. Hydration was important. The shower was just meant to shock Jane into feeling a little more alert, the coffee and food would help stave off some of the more obvious signs of her inebriation. Water however, was key to a better long term recovery, especially tomorrow morning.

Maura placed the glass next to Jane who had dressed in record time. Just her regular black pantsuit with a deep blue shirt to accompany it. Her hair was pulled back into a ponytail and she offered up a somewhat sheepish smile as she tucked into the food and sipped at the coffee.

"Thanks Maur," Jane said appreciatively.

Maura smiled politely. It was the least she could do given that Jane was at least showing a level of thoughtfulness. It didn't change the fact that her ex-fiancée was acting like breaking nearly three years of sobriety wasn't worth mentioning. It was perturbing, but there was absolutely zero productivity that could come from addressing the situation right now. So Maura prioritised making Jane as presentable as possible in the hopes she wouldn't lose her job.

"Have you fed and watered Charlie?" Maura asked, mindful of the other occupant of the house.

Jane stopped for a moment, fork halfway to her mouth as if accessing her memory required too much brain power to keep eating while thinking. Maura wasn't surprised given the amount of whiskey Jane had consumed this evening. "Yup. Yep. Absolutely, I remember now. Fed and watered. All good."

Maura gave Jane one of her more obvious, dubiously questioning the validity of what she just heard looks, just to be sure. "Sometime this evening?

Jane shoved a heaped fork of pasta into her mouth, rubbing at sauce that dripped on her chin with the back of her hand and nodding a little too energetically because she grimaced and Maura suspected a headache was already settling in for the night.

"Drink some water." Maura practically demanded as she sat down at the table opposite Jane.

Jane took a huge mouthful of water and swallowed it down in an exaggerated manner to appease Maura and went right back to shoving food into her mouth. With zero thought to Maura who had to see the chewed up pasta and sauce bouncing around her mouth, Jane asked, "So did Detective Jackass give you any details?"

Maura prayed to a deity she didn't believe in for patience and nodded politely. "The corpse was discovered at the Cataract Gorge. I will drop you at the West Launceston entrance because you most certainly shouldn't be driving right now."

Jane winced a little at the unintended scolding tone Maura had finished with. "Can we save the lecture for tomorrow?"

It was highly likely that technically by the time she saw Jane again tonight, it would be tomorrow. It was unlikely Jane would be off scene before midnight. So Maura smiled innocently and agreed, "That sounds acceptable to me."

"Great, thanks Maur." Jane said as she took a big mouthful of coffee.

Maura left Jane to her own devices eating and drinking and made her way down the hall. She wanted to get Jane a packet of breath mints from the car to cover the stench of whiskey. In the living room she noticed a bowl on the coffee table with key chains in it, one of them was labelled front-spare. Maura scooped up the key and pocketed it. She also grabbed Jane's keys, discernible by the Red Sox keychain attached and held them while she headed to her own vehicle.

Jane had another thing coming if she truly thought that she was escaping a very long and serious conversation about what Maura had walked in on this evening. Jane's life depended on it, so Maura wasn't going to play games and wait until tomorrow night. Not at all. Maura was going to drop Jane at the scene and then she was going to come back here and clean up what needed cleaning and then sit and wait.

Maura retrieved the mints and ran into Jane in the hallway with a confused look on her face. Maura handed over her keys and the confusion melted away. "Do you have your phone and badge?"

"Yeah."

"How are you feeling?"

"Like death warmed up."

Maura shook her head as a whiff of whiskey reached her nostrils and quickly handed Jane the breath mints. "Put a couple of those into your mouth right now."

"Yes ma'am," Jane replied with an exaggerated tone, while doing precisely as she was told.

Maura made a point of getting Jane to lock the door on the way out and then once they were settled in the car she wound every window in the car down. It was a surprisingly crisp night with a strong breeze, which worked into her hands. Jane didn't look impressed, but Maura didn't care.

The journey itself took ten minutes and Maura hoped it would be enough time for the food and coffee to help Jane feel half human. When she pulled up at the gates she said, "Whatever you do, don't go near the body. Stay with Alec…" she paused to take in Jane's pissed off look and unintelligible muttering, before continuing. "I don't care how angry you are with that man right now Jane. He is trying to protect you and quite frankly you need it. So stick to him like glue and don't speak unless spoken to and please, avoid your usual colourful banter. Get in, get out. Do you understand?"

Jane smirked a little and said, "So… tell Alec to get fucked. Punch him in the face in front of Commander Asshat while tripping over the victim? Sounds like a solid plan."

It took a moment for Maura to recognise Jane's trademark sarcasm and in that time her face must have given away her alarm because Jane chuckled and it caused Maura to sigh heavily. "Now is not the time for sarcasm, Jane. This is serious. You shouldn't be showing up to the scene at all and the last thing you can afford is crime scene contamination due to your inebriation."

Jane's hand found its way to Maura's forearm and squeezed it gently. Jane's face softened and she smiled. It was one of Jane's tender smiles that always relaxed Maura. This time was no different. If anybody could get away with stumbling around a scene inebriated without making an unfortunate error it was Jane. At least that was the level of confidence Jane's smile gave her. "I've got it. Thank you. I could be here for a while so I'll get a ride home. I'll call you tomorrow, okay?"

Maura nodded and watched as Jane successfully navigated climbing out of the vehicle, giving her some hope that Jane wouldn't end up tripping over her own feet. When Jane put her hand on the roof and ducked back down to look inside the vehicle with expectant eyes Maura realised she needed verbal confirmation. "Yes, I'll talk to you in the morning. Goodnight Jane."

"Goodnight Maura."

---

There was a brief moment while cleaning up the living room that Maura questioned herself. Was she crossing any lines? Yes Jane lived in this house, but the house was owned by Melissa. For that very brief moment she considered her options and it didn't take long for Maura to ignore what was socially acceptable. Jane was spiralling out of control and she couldn't in good conscience ignore that. If she didn't ambush Jane, the detective would undoubtedly become too busy to have a conversation about what happened tonight and that was simply unacceptable. There couldn't be a repeat performance.

Maura picked up the frames and carefully removed the shards of glass jutting out dangerously and binned them. She then carefully stacked the frames on the coffee table. Each frame contained a picture that included Rachael, which Maura suspected had set Jane off. The dent in the wall appeared to be fist sized; yet another example of a frayed temper. Maura finished up by searching through the hall cupboard where she found the vacuum cleaner she was looking for. She gave the living room a once over to pick up any microscopic pieces of glass that may have escaped her eye. She then emptied the bag and returned the cleaner to the cupboard.

After that she did the dishes, including the ones Jane had dirtied since she was last in the house and not bothered cleaning. Her ex wasn't exactly the most reliable when it came to dishes, but she wasn't usually this slack either. Maura sighed after drying her hands. She looked around the kitchenette and found nothing else to do. She was going to need to bide her time somehow. She heard a sad whimper and her heart broke just a little bit for Charlie.

Maura went to the backdoor and talked to him gently to let him know she was there before opening the door. They were more than familiar with one another as Gabby had brought him along to quite a few of their Sunday morning jogs. Charlie stopped to sniff her hand, which she held out to reintroduce herself before he nudged the top of his head against her hand in approval. She vigorously rubbed behind his ears before patting her side to get him to follow as she retreated back to the now tidy living room. He immediately sought out his bed and quickly curled up to sleep in a more comfortable environment. Maura gave his head one more quick rub before washing her hands in the bathroom.

When she returned to the living room Maura took up a position on the couch. She used the remote to turn the television on and settled on a documentary about the big cats of Africa to keep her entertained. She paid little attention though as her mind kept drifting to the state she had found Jane in and she couldn't help but wonder if the detective was faring well on the scene. She hoped it didn't turn into an unmitigated disaster.

Halfway through the documentary, sleep caught up with Maura much like the lioness on screen caught up with and clamped down on the throat of a buffalo calf. There was no escaping the clutches of slumber.

When Maura stirred the lighting was dim and it took a moment to get her bearings. She soon realised she was moving. Or rather, she was being carried. "Jane," she murmured sleepily, the rest of her thought fading from her consciousness.

"Ssh, go back to sleep." Jane whispered as she gently placed her down.

Maura yawned and rolled over onto her side, her brain still foggy with sleep. Her head hit the pillow and she yawned again. Her eyes opened and she sat up, awareness of her surroundings finally sinking in. Jane's hands deftly removed her shoes and Maura watched as she set them down next to the door. "Jane?"

Jane turned to look at her and offered a tired smile. "Go back to sleep, we can talk in the morning."

Her ex-fiancée looked so weary, so beaten down and defeated. There was zero chance she was going back to sleep. "How did it go?"

Jane offered nothing more than a brief shake of the head. She didn't want to talk about it.

Maura glanced around the strange room and her eyes caught the bright red digits on the alarm clock. It was nearly two in the morning. "Are you alright?"

Jane shook her head again. Her hand reached up to pull the hairband from her hair and she shook her curls loose. For a moment Maura was mesmerised and then she wasn't. She was up off of the bed placing a comforting hand on Jane's forearm. Jane's head titled, her eyes sticking like glue to the touch and Maura resisted the temptation to snatch her hand away.

"You don't have to speak. Just stay with me tonight." Maura offered quietly, her eyes meeting Jane's gaze as it lifted from her hand.

The strangest look passed over Jane's face before she shook her head and mumbled, "That's not a good idea. Goodnight Maura."

Maura hadn't meantt anything untoward at all, but she supposed given the nature of their previous relationship that Jane was right. The last thing she wanted was to put any more strain on their friendship or Jane's relationship with Melissa. She just felt a deep concern settle in the pit of her stomach. Something wasn't right with Jane. She looked off. Perhaps it was just coming down from her alcohol high. Perhaps it was a difficult case. Perhaps she was just worried about Melissa.

Jane opened the door and walked through it. She turned back to look through the doorway with such sadness shimmering in her eyes that Maura had to fight her desire to draw Jane into her arms. "Goodnight Jane," she offered with the warmest smile she could muster before she turned her back and untucked the covers.

The gentle click of the door as it closed hit her like lightning. Her skin seared with regret. She turned to stare at the spot Jane had vacated and she felt empty. She felt adrift. What was she doing? She shouldn't be tucking herself into Melissa's spare bed. She shouldn't be letting Jane walk away from her like that. There was an intensity simmering between them and it was holding her back. It was locking her in place. She told Jane she needed time. She asked for time to heal her broken heart, but of course life didn't give her that chance. Jane needed her. Now, more than ever.

Her mother's words from their last conversation pushed to the front of her mind. "Win her back."

She could, she absolutely could. There was still something powerful lingering between them or perhaps growing between them. Maura understood that Jane was a little slow to figure out her romantic feelings. Perhaps their timing had been wrong like Jane declared, or perhaps Jane simply needed to be reminded of what she was missing. What was really stopping her? It was one thing when Jane was adamant about her feelings for Melissa. But that couldn't possibly be the case now. Not after that kiss. That kiss was filled with desire and yearning. A deep, intense yearning.

Maura Isles didn't want to be the other woman. She refused to be the other woman. She wanted to be the only woman and she wasn't going to get that by stepping back and just letting Melissa take the love of her life away from her and systematically destroy her in the process. She couldn't let that happen. She wouldn't. She loved Jane too much to watch her waste away into a ghost of her former self.

All's fair in love and war and this is war.

Maura stood up straight and set her face with determination as she opened the door and stepped through with one goal in mind. She slammed right into Jane's chest and lifted her eyes. Her wild Italian blooded woman's eyes were burning with a dangerous intensity that sent a spike of desire straight to Maura's core.

"Jane," her love's name fell so wantonly from her lips. Her intentions were clear. She wasn't playing anymore.

Jane's eyes closed and she took several deep breaths. Her eyes opened and her hands shot out, gripping Maura by both wrists. "Don't," Jane warned, an unexpected anger shimmering in her eyes.

"Don't what?" Maura retorted, an anger of her own uncoiling at the sensation of Jane's fingers gripping her so tightly. "Don't worry about you? Don't take care of you? Someone has to because she sure isn't."

"You need to leave." Jane said coolly, letting go of her hold and stepping back. She motioned towards the front door. "Now."

Maura stared at Jane indignantly, "So you can drown your sorrows in another bottle?"

"Leave it alone Maura," Jane warned, her voice dropping an octave.

"I will not." Maura declared defiantly, jabbing her index finger into Jane's sternum. "She's destroying you Jane. You're drinking again and barely holding on to your sanity. She's not good for you. She can't take care of you. She can't even take care of herself."

Her final biting barb was over the line and Maura knew it. Jane grabbed her and whirled her around, slamming her into the hall wall. Softly enough not to hurt, but forcefully enough to display her fury. They had been in this position two nights ago, but this time felt dangerously different.

Jane sneered, "I told you to leave it alone."

"Jane…"

Maura's attempt to apologise was swallowed up by Jane's interruption. "You are the one that drives me to drink Maura. Not her."

Maura somehow managed to recoil further back into the wall at Jane's accusation. "I don't understand."

Jane planted both hands beside Maura, effectively pinning her in place with her body. She leaned forward and explained right alongside Maura's ear, "You couldn't just leave well enough alone. I was happy Maura. You just had to shit all over that with your big reveal and then you fucking kissed me."

Maura wasn't afraid of Jane's physicality. She knew that while the detective was furious and had to some extent used some force, she wouldn't be violent. She was, however, terrified of the look she saw in Jane's eyes. There was a fine line between love and hate and right this moment Maura felt like she was walking right at the edge of hate. Nothing was going according to plan at all.

"I-I'm sorry," Maura stammered out.

"No, you're not." Jane sneered, "You're not sorry, Maura. You're selfish." Jane pushed away from the wall and turned her back, using the spare bedroom as a temporary escape from looking at Maura.

Maura straightened out and stepped forward, ignoring all of the warnings going off in her brain. "You're right. I'm not sorry. I will never apologise for loving you Jane. I will never apologise for not wanting to lose you."

Jane swung on her and laughed bitterly. "Where was that sentiment when I was begging you not to leave? I begged you, Maura. You didn't listen."

Maura's chin dropped, Jane made a very valid point. "You're right," she agreed softly. "I made a mistake."

Jane stepped into her personal space and used an index finger to gently guide Maura's chin upwards so that their eyes could meet. With a surprisingly unsteady voice void of all anger Jane asked, "So why do you think you have the right not to lose me? You forfeited that right the moment you walked away from us."

"I'm not perfect," Maura admitted, cautiously wrapping her arms around Jane. She pressed her head against Jane's chest, right above her heart, which she found to be racing at an almost alarming rate. "I know that."

Jane's arms wrapped around her back and Maura relaxed into the hold. It didn't feel reluctant, it felt warm and safe and she dared not move. Jane was emotionally unstable and perhaps there was a bit of truth to what she had said. Perhaps she was selfish. Perhaps she tried to be altruistic and tried to love Jane the way she needed to be loved, but perhaps she was doing a terrible job. Perhaps she didn't know how to be selfless in love. Perhaps her own pain clouded her judgement.

"I never asked you to be perfect, Maur." Jane murmured next to her ear. Jane's breath tickled her skin and she heard her take in a deep breath before she continued, "Christ woman, why do you always have to smell so damn good?"

Maura hoped that her familiar and apparently pleasant scent would soothe Jane's inner beast. "I don't know," she murmured in response, matching Jane's softness. "Why did I think I ever had the right to choose for you?"

Jane's grip on her tightened and she tearfully said, "You didn't. We both know my heart made the choice for us both."

Maura drew back in Jane's arms and looked up into glistening eyes and swallowed down a lump in her throat. She didn't think it was that simple. Yes she read the signs, but she was reading new ones as each second passed. Her heart fluttered in her chest at the realisation she wasn't wrong. There was something to hold onto between them. She just had to be willing to fight for it. She reached out and gently glided the back of her hand along Jane's cheek and jaw, wiping away the trail of tears.

Jane leaned into the touch and closed her eyes. "Why is it everytime you touch me my skin feels like it's on fire?"

Maura was absolutely willing to fight for Jane, but she also recognised now was not the time. She wanted it to be, goodness did she want it to be, but it wasn't. Jane wasn't ready. "Jane," she offered as a gentle warning.

"Why is it that my name falls so easily from your lips?"

Maura tried to steady her breath and heart rate, both of which quickened when Jane's voice hit her very low, very seductive octave. The more pertinent question was why the Hell is Jane so hot and cold? Maura was confused by Jane's emotions swinging between anger and lust so easily.

Jane leaned in right beside her ear. Her voice dripped with desire as she whispered, "Why is it that when you say it, all I can think about is being inside you when you do?"

That was it. That did it. Maura felt her resolve reach breaking point as she buried her face against Jane's neck in an attempt to suppress the moan that escaped her lips. She didn't know what Jane was playing at. Any other moment in time she would be sure that Jane wanted her; she was flat out seducing her after all. And yet, something felt off.

Maura tentatively drew back and searched Jane's tear stricken eyes in an attempt to find answers. All she found was the same intense sadness she had seen when Jane had left the room in the first place. Alarm bells started ringing in her head. "Darling, talk to me."

"I want you," Jane murmured, her eyes dropping quite obviously to Maura's lips before she returned eye contact.

That part was painfully clear.

"I'm yours, Jane. Take me." A huge part of Maura hoped Jane did just that, but she suspected that Jane was conflicted and she would baulk, much like she did two nights ago the moment things got heated.

Jane took two steps backwards and held her hand out. Maura took hold of her hand and allowed her to pull her into the bedroom. Jane's hand was jittery, but her eyes only shifted from eyes to lips before looking back up again.

Jane sat down on the edge of the bed and Maura walked in between her parted legs, embracing the height difference being in her favour for once; albeit minimally. Jane buried her face against Maura's chest while Maura started massaging her scalp.

There was something tentative and beautiful about Jane's vulnerability, but it also worried Maura greatly. Jane's earlier words about being selfish flashed through her mind and it caused a shudder to roll down her spine. She ignored the feeling and embraced the other all encompassing feeling spreading warmth throughout her body. "I love you, Jane."

Jane's body began to shake and for a moment Maura was alarmed, but her immediate fear was replaced with an even deeper concern when she realised Jane was sobbing. The stricken detective's hands clutched at Maura's shirt as if seeking comfort while murmuring, "I'm sorry," like a mantra.

Fuck.

Maura sighed heavily. She felt frustrated. She felt this rising desire to strangle the woman clinging to her body, but the desire faded quickly. It wasn't Jane's fault that she was a mess. Her sadness and repeated apologies were just hitting a nerve, because Maura desperately wanted to claim Jane for herself again. She needed it. She couldn't abide standing back and watching Jane fall to pieces like this, time and time again. And yet she was forced to, because she couldn't just take what she wanted with no regard for Jane's wellbeing and Jane clearly wasn't well.

With a very sad understanding Maura softly voiced what Jane's reaction was telling her. "You don't want this."

Jane's only response was to cling tighter and it left Maura wondering if Jane had suffered some sort of mental break. Jane's anger she understood. It was the easiest way for Jane to communicate her feelings. Sulking, she also understood. Sometimes Jane even managed to have a direct adult conversation about how she felt. Rarely did she ever sob like this, not in front of her anyway. Maura had inadvertently caught the tail end of Jane crying in the shower a few times, but that was usually reserved for private moments. She didn't know what to make of this vulnerability.

Logically Maura knew the correct reaction would be to tread softly. It would be to speak gently. To be supportive. But something deep inside her snapped and she stepped away from Jane, removing the detective's lifeline and huffed out her frustration with a barrage of questions. "Why do I always have to be the adult in the room, Jane? Why am I always the one left picking up the pieces of your broken heart? Why are we fighting this? I want you. You want me. Why is it so damn hard for you?"

It didn't matter that she knew the answers to the first two questions. She had to be the adult because she was the one that pushed Jane away in the first place. She would always pick up the broken pieces of Jane's heart because she loved her and she would always love her and even if she somehow moved on, she'd be right there picking those pieces up time and time again if necessary. She just really needed an answer to her final two questions.

Jane rubbed her face free of tears and looked up into Maura's eyes, completely haunted. Her voice was nothing more than a whisper, "Because I'm in love with her. Because giving in is the end of us. Because I don't know what this is, Maur. I just don't."

Jane's answers only served to unsettle Maura and create more questions that needed answers. Maura wasn't so sure Jane was as in love as she thought, but that was something she'd worry about later. "Which 'us' are you referring to?"

"Me and her. You and me." Jane answered as if it made perfect sense.

It took a moment. A longer moment than Maura would ever like to admit, but understanding dawned on Maura as she searched Jane's eyes and once again found nothing but sadness. If they were intimate - if they were to yield to their carnal desires - it would end Jane's relationship with Melissa. But that ending being brought on by something she participated in would then by default end her relationship with Jane.

"Oh."

Maura took a moment to breathe and then slowly sat down on the bed next to Jane. She placed her hand on Jane's knee in a comforting manner and stared directly ahead through the doorway into the hall.

"Yeah." Jane breathed out in what seemed like an agreement with Maura's lightbulb 'oh' moment.

"You really are in love with her?" It may as well have been rhetorical. Maura had known all along that was the case, she was just allowing recency bias and some clear confused feelings on Jane's behalf to alter her thinking.

"Yeah."

Jane's hand found hers and while Maura relished the comfort she couldn't help but wonder what was driving Jane's carnal desires lately. It was more than just physical between them. She wasn't imagining that. A kiss like the one two nights ago didn't just happen because of physical attraction. It held emotional weight too.

"So what was that kiss?"

"I thought it was anger and fear driven. Missy thinks I just wanted to possess you." Jane answered thoughtfully, turning her head to meet Maura's shocked gaze.

"You told her?"

"I showed her." Jane shrugged at Maura's brows shooting upwards in utter surprise. "It's what she needed."

"Okay." Maura didn't know what else to say, because if Jane had kissed Melissa even half as accurately as the kiss she had received, there was no possible way Melissa thought the kiss was about possession. It was raw passion. It was yearning. It was emotionally charged.

"I think she's going to leave me."

Jane's statement cut through Maura like a knife. She should be thrilled, but she wasn't. She was worried. "Because of the kiss?"

Jane shook her head. "No, because I couldn't tell her about Rachael. I told her that you angered me and she wanted to know what you said and I couldn't tell her."

"Jane," Maura shook her head, frustrated by Jane's insistence that Melissa couldn't handle the truth. "You need to trust her."

Jane turned her head back towards the front and sat quietly for a while. Maura was grateful that at least Jane was calming down and had been able to express some of the things bothering her, but she still worried. It was hard not to. Whether it was her fault or Melissa's, Jane had broken her sobriety tonight. That was a big deal.

"I think it's grief." Jane said, shattering the silence that had settled between them. "I think from the moment you told me about Rachael, I was preparing for the moment I hated you. Because I don't want to hate you, Maura. I don't want to lose you." Jane turned back to face Maura once more. "I might be in love with her, but my love for you is the only constant I have in this changing world. You are and will probably always be my north star Maura. Always there to guide me back to shore. I know that's not fair to you but I just… I don't know how else to explain it. You are the calm in the middle of the storm that is my life. I'm terrified she'll leave and I won't be able to look at you, let alone find peace when I need it, ever again."

Maura's breath caught in her throat for a moment and her heart thrummed against her ribcage. Jane's words were beautiful, unexpectedly so. Though they left Maura feeling an intense urge to lean over and kiss Jane, she knew she couldn't. It appeared to be one of those rare moments where Jane allowed herself to speak from her heart and didn't let her brain take control of the conversation. Of course that meant she had to tread carefully, which at this point in time Maura wasn't sure was possible. Jane was almost wistful right now, but her anger was buried somewhere close to the surface.

"That's not a normal level of affection reserved for a friend, Jane." She cautioned, before allowing hope to bloom for the briefest moment. "Would it be so bad if it was just us again?"

Jane's face remained soft, but that intense sadness that had haunted her all night returned to her eyes. It filled Maura with dread the moment Jane opened her mouth to speak. "You two are like fire and ice, Maur. When I'm with her I feel like I can do anything. I feel purpose. I feel the flames of life. And you Maura, you temper them when they're threatening to turn into a wildfire. Without that fire... that spark... I'm just not me."

Perhaps their kiss had never been about her. About them. Perhaps it was actually about Melissa. Because it sure sounded to Maura like Jane's passion was the Australian. It hurt and she couldn't help the desire to question Jane's need for fire. "What if you don't have the 'ice' as you put it, to temper those flames Jane? Aren't you worried you'll get burned?"

"You can be burned by ice too, Maur. But to answer your question, I'd rather go down in flames than freeze to death." Jane's eyes widened after her response and she rushed to explain, "I didn't mean…"

Maura smiled sadly and shook her head. She placed her hand firmly on Jane's shoulder. "It's alright, I understand what you mean."

Jane appeared to exhale more freely and she nodded twice, clearly thankful that she hadn't spoken out of pocket.

Maura did feel the sting, she couldn't deny that. It was difficult being told in countless different ways how much another woman meant to Jane, but in the same breath Jane wasn't exactly diminishing her value either. She mattered. Perhaps more than Jane realised, because she might just be ice in the scenario in Jane's brain, but she was much more likely to douse the flames than Melissa. Because in Maura's mind, Melissa wasn't fire - she was gasoline. Jane is the fire that she tempers and the fire that burns dangerously out of control after Melissa feeds it.

"And your drinking? Is that you going down in flames?"

Jane took a long moment to consider Maura's question before shrugging and admitting, "I don't know. Maybe. We'll just have to see how it plays out, won't we?"

"Jane, this isn't some game you're playing, this is your life we're talking about!"

Jane smiled wistfully, leaned over and pressed a gentle, lingering kiss to Maura's forehead before rising to her feet and moving towards the door. She stopped and looked back at Maura and said, "You're right. It is. My life, Maura. Not yours."

"Jane…"

"Maura, tomorrow alright? I'm exhausted. I can't handle any more tonight."

Maura nodded her acceptance despite knowing deep down they wouldn't talk about this again for a long time. The moment of Jane being open and vulnerable had passed and as much as she longed to just curl up in bed with Jane wrapped in her arms, she knew it just wasn't possible right now. She had to respect the boundaries Jane was setting, regardless of how it left her own heart feeling. She had to stop being selfish with her love.

"Goodnight Jane."

"Goodnight, Maura." Jane said, gently closing the door behind her as she left.

When the door clicked shut, Maura didn't feel the lightning of regret like she did earlier in the night. Rather, she felt the closing of the most important chapter of her life.

---

"Are you here to gloat?" Melissa asked bitterly, despite knowing that Maura Isles wouldn't waste her time with such foolishness. It wasn't the logic of her mind asking the question though, it was the part of her heart that hadn't stopped aching since Jane's visit the night before.

"I'm not sure I would be standing here if you honestly thought that was my intention." Maura offered politely. She stood with her hands in the pockets of a pair of expensive looking jeans. Her t-shirt wasn't even close in quality, because it was a white cotton t-shirt with the University of Tasmania and its logo, the outline of a lion holding a torch in red, emblazoned across the chest.

"Nice shirt," Melissa commented, completely ignoring Maura's stating of the obvious. Of course she wouldn't have agreed to this meeting if she thought Maura was going to be a bitch about everything.

"I lost a bet so I must wear this today for our end of year drinks." Maura explained all too innocently.

Melissa sighed. Maura always had to be nice and conversational as if there wasn't a Jane Rizzoli sized elephant in the room with them. "I wouldn't have pegged you as the gambling type, Maura."

"I wasn't exactly allowed to give no as an answer." Maura motioned towards a chair, "May I?"

Melissa nodded from her position sitting on top of her bed with her legs dangling over the sides. She had been playing solitaire on the roll away table when a nurse had asked her if she felt up to having a visitor. For a brief moment she had hoped it would be Jane, but that was silly because Jane would be at work. The nurse had told her it was Maura and she was in just the right mood to see where this went. "By all means."

"Thank you," Maura said politely as she turned the chair to better face Melissa and sat down. "I was hoping we might talk."

"And here I thought we were going to drink hot cocoa and braid each other's hair." Melissa snapped back sassily.

Much to Maura's credit she didn't even blink an eye at the absurdity of the statement. It annoyed Melissa enough that she slapped her card down on the table a little harder than necessary.

"This isn't exactly easy for me, Melissa."

Melissa had to wonder what was difficult about this scenario for Maura. She was visiting a woman in a mental institution. It couldn't get more difficult than being the woman on the other side of that equation, especially given Maura had been stealing kisses she shouldn't have. "By my count that's three time's you've kissed Jane while she's been in a relationship with me. I'm starting to think you don't respect me, Maura."

"I don't know why you would merely think that, Melissa. I would have thought it was so obvious by now, that you knew it." Maura bit back snarkily, clearly not in the mood to take any shit.

"Oh there she is," Melissa said with a little extra pep in her voice and a sparkle in her eyes. "This Maura is the Maura I want to talk to. Don't waste my time with niceties and polite chit chat. You don't respect me and I don't respect you, so why even bother pretending otherwise?"

Melissa continued her game of cards. Each one being placed more forcefully than the last. The sound seemed to grow louder with each passing second like the ticks of a clock in a silent room.

Maura looked irate.

"Could you please stop that?"

Melissa smirked to herself, enjoying the irritation she was causing as she carried on.

"Clearly, you're enjoying my irritation, but would you put the cards down and have an adult conversation with me? Please?"

Melissa sighed before packing her cards away, placing them in a Hawthorn Hawks, brown and gold coloured, deck holder. She pushed the holder aside and planted her eyes squarely on her visitor.

"Thank you."

Melissa rolled her eyes. "Jane isn't in the room. We don't have to pretend to like each other right now."

"Contrary to what you may believe, I don't dislike you."

Melissa resisted the temptation to roll her eyes for the second time in a minute. Maura sounded genuine, but Melissa couldn't decide if she were truly genuine or simply blind to her own attitudes. "Right, right. You really think I wouldn't notice when your words were falling out of Gabby's mouth?"

Maura averted her gaze for a moment and looked to do some kind of quick breathing exercise. Melissa didn't know what she wanted, but if she had the balls to come in here after making a move on Jane, she wasn't about to make her feel welcome.

"Because from the position of someone trying to find their feet after witnessing a brutal murder, it felt fucking great having my girlfriend tell me everything I was doing wrong." Melissa continued before Maura could even begin a rebuttal, "That was my trauma, Maura. Not yours. Not Gabby's."

"Oh for crying out loud, Melissa. You weren't exactly trying to help yourself, were you?" Maura snapped, her nose flaring slightly and her eyes narrowing. She looked incensed. "You clung so tightly to her she was drowning. She couldn't keep up with your refusal to process your grief. That was on you."

"I wasn't ready. Fuck." Melissa roared, slamming her hands down on to the table. "I shouldn't have been with her, I know that. But I couldn't exactly be with the woman I needed to be with either."

There it was, the Jane Rizzoli sized elephant rearing its head once again.

Melissa stared Maura down until she averted her eyes. Melissa didn't know what Maura was thinking at this moment and she didn't particularly care, because all she could focus on was the emotional pain ripping through her body like a stanley knife through corrugated cardboard. "I hate what I put Gabby through. Do you understand that? She has always been the person I could count on when things got tough and I broke her. I fucking broke her because I wasn't where I needed to be. Where I should have been." Melissa pounded her chest with her fist, "That's on me. I own that. But you do too. You made a move on Jane three years ago when she was with me. You set all of this into motion."

Maura offered a small head shake and quietly said, "You walked away from Jane."

"Of fucking course I did." Melissa roared her agreement, before composing herself just enough to drop her voice level so as not to draw any unwanted attention from the nursing staff. "You left me no Goddamned choice. After all the work I did with her to help her get past her final showdown with Hoyt and the alcohol abuse that came right along with it, you swooped in and fucked with her head. Your impromptu visit sent her into a depressive spiral, Maura."

Maura shifted uncomfortably in the chair that was starting to resemble the hot seat. It wasn't like Melissa was sharing state secrets. They were both very aware of the depression Jane fell into at that time, but the different point of view appeared to be hitting home.

Tears traced a very uneven path down Melissa's face as she shook her head. Her chest felt like it was going to explode with grief. All of her feelings from three years ago were rushing back to nearly overwhelm her. "I let it get the better of me. I started second guessing everything and I thought you would take care of her. I thought that's what she wanted… what she needed, so yeah, I looked for my rock at that moment, I looked for Gabby. I had to, how else was I going to have the fortitude to walk away from Jane?"

Maura's eyes closed and her chin trembled a little. Melissa wondered if she was actually going to cry. Her eyes opened and she nodded a couple of times as if fortifying herself and her thoughts. "I never intended to cause you or Jane harm when I took that trip. I genuinely believed that my feelings wouldn't change anything. Gabby needed closure to move forward, she needed to feel secure and I needed her. I am sorry that things turned out the way they did, but I am sick and tired of people acting like I set out to break you two up. She kissed me that day, not the other way around."

"Oh that's rich," Melissa snapped back. "You sure kissed her back though didn't you?"

Maura didn't answer. Melissa didn't need her to. It was written all over her face. Good intentions or not, Maura interfered the first time and she was doing it again.

"So what's your excuse for the other night then? Because I sure as Hell know she didn't kiss you first this time."

"That was a mistake." Maura acknowledged, "You are right to be upset, but please be upset with me and not Jane."

Melissa started chuckling sadly, she covered her mouth and shook her head through it. The gall of this woman. How obtuse could she be for a genius? "I'm not upset with Jane about that. Heartbroken, but not upset. She can't help who she loves and it appears I am the fool for thinking it would be different this time around."

Maura leaned forward in her chair and levelled unusually soft eyes in Melissa's direction. It was a little off putting. "Yes there was feeling in the kiss, I'd even go to say an intense yearning if I were to be completely honest."

"Exactly."

"It's not as simple as you appear to think." Maura explained, "After we kissed I left, but I had dropped some pretty earth shattering news on her. I honestly can't even say it was me she was kissing."

Melissa levelled Maura with an incredulous look that would have given Jane a run for her money as the reigning master of incredulous looks.

Maura simply carried on. "I came back to make sure she was okay, because I was worried and before I knocked on the door I heard her sobbing. That wasn't for me, Melissa. The whole night she was consumed with worry and fear for you. If you think that kiss was filled with yearning, it's because it was. It's because she yearns for you."

None of what Maura was saying made sense to Melissa, because why would Maura bother coming to see her to basically wave the white flag? There had to be something more to it and she intended to find out.

"So, what? You're here to defend her? You're here to tell me not to leave her? Why are you telling me this?"

"I am here because she refuses to tell you what she learned because she wants to protect you from the truth."

Maura's statement took the wind right out of Melissa's sails. It was strange how when Jane was practically broadcasting the same attitude in bright neon letters she couldn't see it. But then again, Jane had just kissed her like she was still in love with Maura. It would have been pretty hard to see a barn painted fluorescent yellow through the level of emotion battering her senses like a hurricane at that particular moment in time. Maura sits in front of her declaring it and all of a sudden it hits her like a fist square in the mouth. It was now impossible not to see Jane's behaviour for what it was - an attempt to protect her.

"Okay," Melissa acknowledged dumbly, her head swamped with multiple thoughts trying to pull her in different directions.

"I found her inebriated last night."

If Maura's first statement was like a punch to the mouth, this one was a punch to the stomach. Melissa actually braced herself against the roll away table to ride out the physical sensation that settled in her gut. Was this her fault? Was this because she was so broken that Jane felt she had to protect her from some dark truth? What on earth could be out there that surpassed the awful things she had already been recalling in recent days?

Melissa pushed the table away and slid forward onto her feet. She felt a frantic sense of worry surge within as she said, "I have to check out. She needs me."

Maura was on her feet just as quickly, placing a firm hand against Melissa's shoulder in an attempt to slow her movement. "Missy, stop."

Melissa did and her eyes looked straight into Maura's. That was the first time in forever Maura had ever used her preferred moniker. Whatever the Hell this was, it had to be serious.

"You have no idea how much it warms my heart to see that your first and only thought is Jane, but you can't check out. You can't interfere with your own mental health progress to nurse her through this. She needs you to be strong and I know you can be. The fact that you are still standing here after everything you have endured is testament to that strength, Melissa."

Why did she feel like the rug was about to be pulled from underneath her?

"And she is going to need you more than ever after this, because she won't be able to look me in the eye for a very long time." Maura explained.

She appeared cool, calm and collected, but there was a trace of sadness in her eyes that made Melissa take her very seriously. A lump formed in Melissa's throat. "Why not?"

"Because I'm going to tell you what she won't." Maura ran both her hands down the front of her jeans as if she was smoothing out a dress. Perhaps it was a nervous tick. Melissa wasn't sure, but it was apparent that Maura carried a heavy weight on her shoulders.

"Don't," Melissa said firmly. If Jane didn't think she could handle it then it had to be big. There was also a distinct possibility Jane was simply being over protective, but that didn't change the reality of this moment. If Maura told her this big secret, no matter how she herself reacted to the information, Jane would be livid. "She needs someone on the outside with her. You can't ask me to stay in here putting myself first and then betray her trust like that."

"She thinks she's losing you, Melissa. She is convinced carrying this secret spells doom for your relationship." Maura responded, a sad sigh escaping her lips as her eyes flitted around the room, buying time to process whatever thoughts were bouncing around inside her brain. "So what other choice do I have?"

This was one of those moments Melissa didn't know what to think or to say. Maura was practically her mortal enemy, and yet the one person that would have them fighting tooth and nail was also the reason they were both willing to give up so much. The reason that at this very moment she could look at Maura and not assume the worst. She didn't see some nefarious plot to steal Jane's affections. She saw a woman clutching at straws in an attempt to fix something she clearly felt partially responsible for breaking.

The sad part for Melissa is that Maura isn't wrong. Her relationship with Jane shifted last night and it didn't shift for the better. It shifted right towards the danger zone and she was barely holding on herself. It was a testament to her own love for Jane that she hadn't immediately run from the relationship. Her heart had been an absolute fucking mess for three years after walking away from Jane the first time. She couldn't even begin to fathom what would happen if Jane actually left her for Maura and that thought terrified Melissa.

Melissa detached herself from the situation for a moment to allow her to respond as if she were merely one of Maura's friends and they were sitting down to afternoon tea discussing the latest relationship drama in Maura's life. "You sit back and you wait for her relationship to run its course. Then you swoop in and pick up the pieces of her broken heart."

Maura stared at her for the longest time, not saying a single word. Melissa played her own words back in her mind and was surprised Maura hadn't said anything. It was basically an admittance in a belief that her relationship with Jane was on its last legs and wasn't that the sort of thing that would thrill Maura? Wouldn't that give her unfettered access to being Jane's one and only once more? Why wasn't she saying anything?

The silence dragged on long enough to become uncomfortable before Maura finally broke it with a very unexpected demand. "Don't you dare break her heart because you're scared. Don't you fucking dare."

Melissa's eyes widened in surprise at the level of fierceness and language used. This conversation was just growing stranger and stranger as it went. "Don't presume to know what I'm feeling."

Maura's hands were on her hips at this point and she shot a knowing glare in Melissa's direction even as they stood practically nose to nose. "Tell me I'm wrong?"

"Pretty hard to break a heart that was never mine to break, Maura."

Maura sighed heavily and started to rub her temples. She was looking a little exasperated, but for a genius Melissa was convinced she was pretty stupid if she couldn't see that Jane's love belonged to only one woman, and sadly for Melissa, she wasn't the one.

Maura looked to the ceiling briefly and muttered something indiscernible under her breath. She then looked Melissa head on and said, "I owe you another apology."

"For?"

"For having every intention of seducing Jane last night, because like you I was convinced after that kiss that she must still have feelings for me. I was convinced that she must still love me and I was done waiting. That was disrespectful to both you and Jane and for that I am truly sorry."

Maura sounded so contrite but Melissa wondered what on earth the fucking relevance was? Because it sure wasn't making her feel any more secure about the strength of Jane's love for her.

Maura continued, clearly not expecting a response. "It may have even happened too, she wanted it. She wanted me."

Melissa rolled her eyes and verbalised her very basic thought, "This isn't helping, Maura."

"She broke down sobbing moments after leading me towards the bed." Maura apparently didn't know how to leave out a single detail and it really wasn't helping Melissa's confidence at all, but at this point she was glued to the story. She needed to know how it ended, because if it ended with Jane's hands all over Maura and vice versa, she was done.

"She didn't really want it. So we simply sat there talking. She loves me Melissa, it would be stupid to deny that. I asked her to come back to me."

"What did she say?"

Maura let out a very sad sigh. Her eyes told the kind of story that had the opposite effect on Melissa. Before Maura could even answer her question she felt hope bloom eternal in her chest. Maura's answer only sealed the deal, and removed all of her doubts. "She declined. She's not interested in a romantic relationship with me, Melissa. You are her passion. You are all that matters and that is why I am going to tell you the truth. So that you two can finally talk and formulate a plan on how to tackle what the future may bring, together."

Melissa took two steps back, made contact with the bed and sat down. Her eyes never once left Maura, who looked resigned to defeat in the war for Jane's heart, but also convinced that she was right in what had to be done. Melissa had to dampen the excitement she felt brewing in her stomach, the butterflies sprung up just knowing that Jane had faced the kind of temptation even she wasn't sure she could deny in the right set of circumstances. Maura Isles was an incredibly attractive woman, afterall. Melissa swallowed nervously when her mind briefly conjured up an image of Maura using her eyes seductively to beckon her target into her lusty trap. She had to shake her head free of that image because her nerves were shot. Jane managed to resist that?

"I,uh, dunno what to say."

"It doesn't matter what you say to me, just be there for her and with her and love her, with everything that you have to give. She will protect you from what's coming, of that I have zero doubt."

"Okay," Melissa said, bracing herself for who knows what. "Don't sugar coat anything. Just rip the band aid off."

Melissa became acutely cognisant of the fact that Maura was now standing directly in front of her with both hands planted firmly on her shoulders. Did she think she was going to run? Where exactly was she going to run to?

"Rachael is alive."

Life has a funny way of kicking you in the teeth when you least expect it. Or maybe Melissa should have expected this. After all, she was sitting in this hospital trying to overcome a lifetime's worth of bad reactions to traumatic experiences. She had spent the better part of her teenage years causing stress and anxiety to everyone that had cared for her and her adult years were decidedly worse. There was bound to be some built up negative karma coming her way, but she had not anticipated the sheer amount of crap that was suddenly barreling towards her.

Rachel is alive. Rachael's alive. Rachael.

It was insane. Maura was just standing there in front of her, doing some sort of ventriloquist act and waving her arms around as if she were being attacked by a vicious bee. Maura's mouth continued moving and the woman very well could have been talking to her, but all Melissa could hear was the overwhelming rushing sound of white noise that was buzzing through her skull. Maura faded away into the background as Melissa's focus shifted to the light flowing into the room. It was shifting and changing, fading nearly all the way to a dull grey before suddenly throbbing in colour again. Melissa had never noticed how much sun actually came through the windows in this room before. She also hadn't noticed how much dust had piled up in here. Holy crap. The beams of light that were bouncing and cascading around the room were picking up all the little particles of dust and debris floating slowly through the air.

Particle man, particle man. Doing the things a particle can. What's he like it's not important. Particle Man. Is he a dot or is he a speck? When he's underwater does he get wet. Or does the water get him instead? Nobody knows, particle man.

Silly little words from a silly little song bounced around Melissa's brain as she found herself mesmerised by the specks of dust floating in the air. The song was one of the songs playing the night Jane told her she loved her for the very first time. Jane. Just think about Jane. Or the floating particles. Yes, the particles of dust, just hovering there in the sunlight.

Why is it so cold?

Maybe that's why Maura was rubbing her hands up and down her arms so frantically while her mouth was moving rapidly without even a sound coming out. Maybe Maura was suddenly cold too. The feelings in her body disappeared and Melissa didn't know what to do. She was stuck in a limbo-like moment where nothing made sense, and yet everything did at the same time. It was like she was frozen in a dream, floating on the edge of nothingness while being caged inside of flesh and bone. She felt weightless, as if she could fly up and through the roof if only her skin would break open and allow her to leave her far too heavy body behind.

Maura rubbed her hands frantically up and down Melissa's arms and still the woman refused to participate in one of the most basic functions of human anatomy. Words of encouragement, tinged with a growing worry, burst from Maura's mouth as Melissa's lips began to turn blue. Blue eyes began to glaze over, and Maura stopped thinking about possible reactions from others or the questionable ethics surrounding her brilliant idea to blurt out the information she had to Melissa. Information that hadn't been hers to share. Information that Jane had practically forbidden her from sharing. At least, if Jane had ever considered the possibility she may actually do this. Why hadn't Jane considered the possibility? There was a big difference between 'I can't tell her' and 'don't you dare tell her'. If only Jane had uttered those words, Maura wouldn't have found herself staring into the abyss of a dull, bleak future without Jane Rizzoli.

Maura's thoughts snapped back to the here and now as Melissa's situation only appeared to become more dire. If she didn't do something drastic, there was a possibility that Melissa would need true medical help. She did the only thing she could in the moment.

She reared back and slapped Melissa so hard that a red mark in the shape of her hand started forming on a previously pale cheek.

A brief moment of deep satisfaction spurred on by very selfish thoughts regarding this woman owning Jane's heart faded quickly as a wheeze left Melissa's throat. Her eyes remained hazy, looking off into the distance. It was something at least. Maura's hands found their way to the woman's cheeks and cradled them, commanding her to look at her and breathe. Maura moved Melissa's head left and right, continuing her barrage of words and encouragement as, ever so slowly, she heard air make its way into Melissa's lungs.
A dull and temporary flare of pain caused Melissa's eyes to snap back to Maura's worry filled eyes. Maura's hand was retreating from her face and the woman was breathing heavily. Breathe. Melissa realised she should probably try to do that soon. She focused for a second and a burning began in her chest, slowly moving outwards towards the rest of her body. Maura had grabbed her face and was, yet again, speaking without saying a word. Melissa managed to figure that she was trying to do the doctor thing and calm her down.

At this moment Melissa was at a crossroads. A large part of her didn't want to deal with any of this. She just wanted to take advantage of this way out and let her consciousness slip away without having to address any of the issues or live through the fallout of another fucked up situation. But there was another part of her that knew she had to do this to move forward. She had to acknowledge this fucked up situation and she had to get control of it. She took a deep breath, or tried too, and then Melissa suddenly realised exactly why Maura was acting out so erratically.

Melissa latched onto the wrists near her face as Maura's hands were cupping her cheeks. She stared into worried eyes and could just make out the word 'breathe' being repeated to her. Melissa tried to follow that advice, but it was slow going, far too slow, and she felt like she was breathing through a toothpick. The light in the room was dimming down until only Maura was in her field of vision and the light behind her lit up her golden hair like a halo. Melissa held on tight to Maura's hands and focused on breathing in and out as much as she could until finally, finally, she felt her lungs open up and she was able to pull in large mouthfuls of air.

Her head swam and began to pound and her nerve endings were on fire from prolonged oxygen deprivation. She stared at Maura as sound slowly began to make its way back into her ears. She complied as Maura manoeuvred her onto her back against the bed sheets and she attempted to follow the instructions that Maura continued to rattle off at her.
Melissa stared at her as she flexed her fingers and rolled her wrists. She stared into worried eyes, noticing for the first time the flecks of green accompanying hazel as she rolled her ankles and breathed deeply. Repeated instructions to begin flexing various muscles throughout her body were finally heeded. She knew subconsciously that Maura was trying to relax her body and distract her mind to pull her out of her anxiety attack.

She knew that it would eventually work, but she would then have to focus on the reason behind her attack. Melissa continued to move her body and breathe as best as she could, but her emotions were rising and she could feel the cold blankness settle over her mind like it always did. She heard the whispers in the back of her mind start up, just like they always did when she was dealing with overwhelming stress. She could hear Rachael's voice, even now, and feel the fingers moving on her body as lips kissed across her face.

"I've got you baby girl, just let go. Just like that, I know you like that, don't you? Don't fight it baby girl, you'll feel better. I'll take all your pain away. I'll protect you, just let it all fade away."

A part of Melissa wanted to rage against that voice and the urges that came along with it. She wanted to scream and punch and run so far away that it could never touch her again; never guide her into wanting to be touched again. But it was also all she knew. She had tried to block it out with Jane. She had focused on Jane when the urges would start up, but Jane wasn't here and Melissa was so fucking tired of fighting the programming in her brain. She was so tired of trying to be better than she was. Why should she anyway? Jane was going to leave her eventually. It was inevitable right? Rachael was right about one thing: letting it all fade away really did take the pain away, even if just for a little while. That was all she needed anyways. Just one little minute to fucking breathe.

Melissa recognised what was happening within her body and knew the fallout would be explosive, but she just didn't have any more energy to give. Instead, with Rachael's words haunting her, she just let it all go. She detached.

Maura watched in partial fascination and partial concern while Melissa struggled mentally against an unknown assailant. Her face moved through various emotions and clear conflict and yet Melissa's eyes never strayed from her own.

It was that fact alone that allowed Maura to witness something she had never seen before in all her years in the medical field. Melissa's face slowly transformed from showing an internal struggle to resigned acceptance. Her eyes faded from weary desolation to utter emotionless orbs.

Melissa ignored her concern and slid from the bed onto her feet, stumbling forward awkwardly. Instinct caused Maura to reach out and catch her to halt her momentum. Immediately Melissa's arms crushed her in a tight hug as her head lay to rest on Maura's shoulder. Maura tentatively returned the hug, her mind inundated with thoughts ranging from assessing the state of Melissa's mental faculties to thoughts of the absolute explosion she knew would come from Jane when she learned what she had done.

And then she felt it. At first she thought she was mistaken, but then she felt hands slide beneath her t-shirt and her brain quickly caught up with the initial sensation. Lips. Wet lips against her neck. Soft words, now being whispered in her ear. "Don't fight it baby girl, you'll feel better."

Maura was immediately alarmed by what she heard, her mind started racing with an absolute inundation of stimuli, delaying her necessary physical reaction just long enough to feel Melissa's lips delicately pressing against hers. There was no way known Melissa could possibly want this, and she most certainly didn't.

Maura pulled back and gently created space between them. She quietly but firmly stated, "No honey." She didn't want to be too confrontational so she looked to remind the mentally absent woman of essential truths in an attempt to draw her back to reality. "You don't want this. Jane wouldn't want this."

"Jane," Melissa repeated, wrapping her mouth around the name as if it sounded vaguely familiar. She stood still, her brows furrowing, before her eyes looked back to Maura, almost waiting expectantly.

Many questions hit Maura at once. What was she waiting for? Was this what it was like every time Melissa attempted to bed someone during her open relationship? Has she ever been like this with Gabby and Jane, completely void of awareness? How did they not notice her complete mental detachment? Or is this a brand new trauma response? What on earth had happened to this woman to make her this way? How many people had taken advantage of this woman?

Because that was precisely how Maura viewed it now that she was witnessing it first hand. Maura knew when a person was all there and when they were not. She wouldn't necessarily compare the empty eyes staring back at her with ones she had seen on the table during autopsy, but they were eerily similar. This was not just trauma. This was learned behaviour.

A shudder rolled down Maura's spine as she started to put together a scary picture based on Jane's absolute terror about sharing the news that Rachael was alive and Melissa's complete panic attack followed by her emotional detachment upon hearing the news. Add her recent history of using sexual intimacy to bury her trauma and Maura was left drawing one conclusion, one she wouldn't speak out loud until she could confirm, because while she felt very confident in her ability to assess the situation, she really hoped she was wrong.

Maura felt tears well in her eyes as she focused on Melissa's empty stare. "Missy," she offered gently, wanting to present as safe a space as possible in an attempt to draw her out of her detached state.

"I just need to make it stop," Melissa whispered, her eyes dropping to Maura's lips. "Please."

"You are okay," Maura said firmly. "Just sit and focus on your breathing, can you do that for me Missy?"

Melissa nodded and sat down, completely compliant. She actively focused on her breathing and while Maura was relieved by that, she couldn't help but think she had erred terribly by telling Melissa the truth.

Melissa started rubbing her hands along her own shoulders vigorously and looked desperately up at Maura, clearly in need of some comfort. Maura buried her mouth in her hands for a moment before taking the bull by the horns and sitting down on the bed next to Melissa. Very tentatively while carefully explaining every action she was making and giving Melissa an opportunity to decline, she reached out and wrapped an arm around the now shaking woman. She gently pulled Melissa against her side and just held her there, ready to separate at any moment if things headed in the wrong direction again.

They didn't.

Maura used a quick shake of the head to ward off a nurse who stopped to check in. Thankfully the nurse recognised the urgency of the look on hers face and departed without saying a word. Suffice to say, this wasn't something Maura was used to. She had comforted both Jane and Gabby at different times in their life, but this level of pure need radiating through the silence was unfathomable.

There wasn't a single thought of palming Melissa off on the staff, because Maura remembered her own time of a need a couple of weeks ago. She remembered that Melissa had been kind, thoughtful, supportive and kept her word about not sharing their conversation with Jane. And of course there was the undeniable fact that she was absolutely responsible for the current state of Melissa's mental well being. If she had to hold Melissa until Jane showed up after work, so be it. She was not looking forward to that possibility if it eventuated, because this explanation of her error in judgement was definitely best done in a private setting.

Unfortunately for Maura, that moment came a lot sooner than she was anticipating, because a mere fifteen minutes after the nurse had entered and quickly exited the room, a very worried Jane entered. She took one look at what was happening and clearly deduced that she was in fact, not going to be very happy at all.

All Maura could think as she sat there looking across the room at her ex-fiancée was that this could very well be the moment she loses Jane. Forever.

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A/N: It's been a few weeks, but hey it was my birthday not long after the last chapter so I took a week to relax and destress. Hopefully this chapter more than makes up for the wait. My partner guest wrote (with some tweaks by me to fit my characters etc) a bit at the end of this chapter, you'll be able to recognise her more visual elegance no doubt. I'm so blessed to have such a magnificent helpful partner.

Yeah it's rocky, but hey... at least truths are out and Jane and Maura are trying to figure out what's happening between them, even if they're still very confused about it.

Thanks for reading and reviewing, appreciate you all.