Constantine The Laughing Magician Presents; Life in the Real World –
Chapter 30: Don't Say His Name Three Times – Too Many Rhymes! Pyromania
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Etrigan and Beetlejuice. I'm going for it and that popcorn bucket. Sept 6th in our town, bebe! Roll the crazy!
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Limping down the stairs to his second-floor apartment, getting a lousy job interview at nine am was a snooze button moment for our miserable, falling star. "Oy, I had to bring my good shoes today." He shook his head with a groan. Oily fingers pushed back fraying strands of white hair from his scalp.
A roach ran out of the apartment when the fellow had packed up to go, as it flew off to have its body minced and plucked from the hall rug by a hungry zombie of a character. "Grab and go snacks. Always a treat." Scarfing down the arthropod, the door beside his swung open to reveal a poorly dressed woman with cats running this way and that. "Pipe down, you old bat - faced pimp!" The cat lady hissed up in annoyance at the pale faced, white suited bum to ever hit Chicago during a sunny day like this miserable Monday. "If you make any more noise with those uglies of yours…so help me God, I'll throw you into the cans five blocks down with an eviction day of. You hear?"
"Gee, sorry Miss. Mallory!" The ghoulish faced creeper gasped as he tried to invite in his apology with a filthy toothed grin. Only humans saw him as an average Joe on this plane. Coming back had been the fun part, but working as a desk jockey?
"If l'lil old Mittens here would stop his fits at five am …then I wouldn't have to report you to the landlord himself. Now would I? And how many sweet bundles of mouse – uh, mincemeat are living in your den? Got a pen?"
She sputtered as he waved, leaving her in the door with her howling dirty hoarded animals in need of a better litter box. "That bag ton of cat crap isn't going to throw itself out on the street, off to my next interview. Miss. Mallory, you have a lovely rest of year day, m'kay?"
She had the door slammed on her as the cats jumped her like some back-alley knife fight. "Nice talk, now time to skip to my stop. Ha!"
He kicked up his heels and opened the door to whistle a tune. " Say my name, I'll come to your aid. No refunds, do – do do!! Merry we make it; I marry the person you got for me!"
" Shuuudap !!" A person on the block yelled down from their apartment window as Beetlejuice yelled up to him, face turning vile as a dead man's corpse left out in the sun. The screaming individual shut their window, still screaming as BJ just hummed his little diddy instead, all the way to the bus stop.
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On the lower side of town, just between drop offs and scents of danger, a rather hateful roar ripped out as people ducked a bulldozer of a bull dog 's saliva. " The time has come, he stands alone; heed my word, the skies will burn!!"
The news caster had hit the deck as fire balls were pelted at mindless pedestrian lives, all fleeing from whatever their super zeroes had attracted this time. "We got no Lanterns. No bat. What is gonna happen, dad?"
A kid on his way to school was busy calling his parents, who had gone to work. They would be zipping by to find their son soon, the fire only as magical as the caplet wearing yellow lizard man that was spewing the stuff. "Ey, you got any idea where you putting' that thing to good use, boy??" A Jamaican gran mama came out with her cane and swatted the big bad dragon without a care. She was being disturbed and this wasn't the first. "You got some fight in ya, son? Come and put me in the grave all ya want! I have no fear of the creatures that gods deems a menace to we good people."
~ Madame, no. I send my warning. The skies are red as come next morning – the streets will not be of my doing. Yet a rodent clad in stripes, one mindfully meant, shooing!~
"You call that a rap, bro?" The kid scoffed as he put away his cell to point at the terrible song and dancer on his block. "You got nothing. I saw that. Rhymes ain't gonna get you a limo and a bunch of lizard ladies –
"Hush up, boy. This thing be a demon from the bowels a the Underworld!" The granny waves her cane as the roaring beast only got more upset. "I must find the one who will destroy this reality. That, and this victory of mine is not for vanity – yet clarity. So, says in passing the demon Etrigan. I must find the one, who can put a stop to him."
"In stripes? Is he a jazz musician or something?"
"Boy, your mama raised you to think before you start spouting what you want. I'll make sure to whoop your behind, no more a this. Get to a shelter, this time. No buts!"
"Alright, ma'am…" The boy did as he was told despite the chaos, even if that shelter was a block down. "See, y –
"Wait!" The boy turned around and pointed at the granny and fire breathing lizard man - number one.
"I'M NOT GONNA LEAVE UNTIL HE GETS OUTTA OUR NEIGHBORHOOD! HELP!!"
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The boy barely cried out as John didn't pick up anything until he was able to see smoke. "Chas. Watch the Question. I have one of my own to figure out." John took off in a steady lope down the street before crossing, his ears were attune to siHyun nbbbrens and…and…
"HqQIT THE DECK!"
The road crew and the fire persons had lined up to fight this bad apple. "Chicago had a fire in….a long time ago, didn't it?" Chas came up, out of breath as John ignored the man's question to figure out his own answer to this urban unease.
"Not that sort, mate. It's magic. I can sense it's not from our time, got my sack?"
"Oh, right. I'm the caddy." Sighed Chas as he handed over the burlap items' carry on. "Just here…aha." John pulled out a talisman from an old friend who had his services now in great regard. "Guan yin of creation. This is destructive, yet in warning. I think it's a signal."
"To whom, Johnny? The devil, itself?"
"Never. Beezel- buddy is….not one to pry into human lives like our old pal in Star City." John snorted at the reminder. The Satan in his universe was a con man with a wily grin who ran around as a detective playing mortal guilt trips om his victims.
Like a game, this wasn't. It was a damned job and John would not hesitate. He never did, unless it didn't bother to let him see all the angles he had to work with, this was just a big monster movie. A fallen star, a few heroes to save the day. Whatever Question was looking to find, it wasn't what he'd ex –
~ Whhee – ooh! We're ooohh!!~
"Bloody! What was that??"
A green, swift scent of termites and dead bodies made the residents hold their noses. "Heh? Got a real big anaconda…I'm the guy, head me to it!" The marvelous ghoul was sitting atop what looked to be an office desk as he stepped off in a suit of white and black vertical stripes. "I'm speechless." Chas gasped as the strange clown with the crazy hair and dark ringed eyes only taunted the fire breather, who was one of theirs.
" ETRIGAN!" John shouted and ran to see his old friend, who was about to get blown to bits by another kooky character in the heart of Chicago.
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