Snek is a Good Boy
Part Twenty-Nine: Dragon Fever
[A/N: This chapter commissioned by Fizzfaldt and beta-read by Lady Columbine of Mystal.]
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Topic: A Funny Thing Happened at the Bar Last Night
In: Boards ► United States ► Northeastern US ► Brockton Bay ► Cape Shenanigans
Brocktonite03 (Original Poster) (Veteran Member)
Posted On Jun 12th 2011:
Me and a few of my buddies went drinking down on the docks last night. Yes, technically I was buzzed by the end of the night, but I sure as hell wasn't so sloshed I was seeing things. I was waiting for my better half to come pick me up, when a couple of guys wearing all black plus balaclavas came running out of the alley alongside the bar. They stopped real fast when Manpower (yeah, THAT Manpower) jumped off the roof of the building next door and landed in front of them.
The dumbasses were looking to knock over the bar and make off with the night's takings.
Then three more guys came out of the alley, and this time it was Brandish who stopped them. Swear to God, hand on heart, I was front and center for a New Wave takedown. It was glorious!
One guy tried to duck past Brandish, and I thought for sure she was gonna skewer him with her energy blade thing (I always thought that was supposed to be gold, not silver. Anyway) but she didn't. Nope, she hauled off and slugged him so hard in the jaw that his feet left the ground and he flew back about ten feet. I mean, when did Brandish get a Brute rating?
And then, Flashbang appeared. *Everyone* saw Flashbang. He was, like, *glowing* like someone was shining a floodlight on him. And he had a thing on his shoulder that looked like ... well, like a little tiny dragon, all orange and gold like a sunrise. And Brandish had a silver one hovering over her head.
I swear, I had a few drinks inside me, but I wasn't that drunk. I know what I saw. Here's some [footage] I took.
When the hell did New Wave get pet dragons?
(Showing page 1 of 273)
►BrickFrog
Replied On Jun 12th 2011:
That can't be real.
Can it?
►GstringGirl
Replied On Jun 12th 2011:
They do look very pretty.
Can haz pet dragon?
►Clockblocker (Verified Cape) (Wards ENE)
Replied On Jun 12th 2011:
Okay, thanks a bunch for that. Vista just saw the footage someone put online and her excited squeal rattled ALL the windows (and we're underground).
►Vista (Verified Cape) (Wards ENE)
Replied On Jun 12th 2011:
Don't care. Those dragons are too cute!
►XxVoid_CowboyxX
Replied On Jun 12th 2011:
I'm with BrickFrog. They can't be real. Or at least, they're not natural. All vertebrate life on Earth goes on a quadripedal body pattern. Those 'dragons' have four limbs plus two wings, and the wings are too small to fly properly with at that size. Something's hinky. I call shenanigans.
►Vista (Verified Cape) (Wards ENE)
Replied On Jun 12th 2011:
Maybe you didn't hear me the first time. Don't care. Dragons!
►TheRealBrandish (Verified Cape) (Cape Wife) (New Wave Member)
Replied On Jun 12th 2011:
Alright, time for an official announcement.
Yesterday, New Wave responded to an invitation from Snek to visit his world. We traveled there, and encountered not only [actual] [dragons] but smaller versions, called 'hearth-dragons'. As you can see, they are [cute] and [inquisitive] and can bond with people, to the mutual benefit of both parties.
Three hearth-dragons came back with us to Earth Bet. Mine is called [Argent], Flashbang's is called [Snap], and Panacea's is called [Twilight].
I will stress: hearth-dragons are not animals, and they are most assuredly not stupid. Although they are from a world where mythology trumps over science, they are thoroughly enjoying their new home (and can go back to visit at any time if they wish, with Snek's assistance).
Panacea has assured me that they carry no dangerous bacteria or viruses, and nothing we have will affect them. They are very playful and outgoing, and enjoy meeting new people. We will even be taking them on patrol with us to meet the public.
Again: they are not animals, they are not dangerous, they are not pets, and they are here willingly. Come and say hi sometime.
►Bagrat (Veteran Member) (The Guy in the Know)
Replied On Jun 12th 2011:
Well ... crap.
I was just scouring the footage frame by frame to see if I could spot the trickery when Brandish's post dropped.
Real dragons. Actual real dragons. And the scale ...
Okay, yeah, the internet wins today. I'm done.
►XxVoid_CowboyxX
Replied On Jun 12th 2011:
Um.
So ... I was right, but I was wrong?
Not from Earth Bet, but actual dragons.
Four limbs, check. Wings, check. Able to fly with wings that are too small, check. Actual. Freaking. Dragons.
Those big ones are BIG.
Ahahaha wow.
And Vista's right, the little ones are too cute. Especially the orange one that posed for the camera (how did you get it to do that, anyway?)
So, um, how does one go about acquiring an invite from Snek to visit his world?
Asking for a friend.
End of Page. 1, 2, 3 ... 271, 272, 273
Director Emily Piggot, PRT ENE
"Report."
Emily leaned back in her chair and watched as Psyche, once known as Tattletale, gathered her thoughts. At least part of that was an act, Emily figured, but it didn't bother her. The girl had been instrumental in Coil's downfall, as well as the brief capture of the Travellers before they vanished from her holding cells (and Earth Bet), so she was welcome to her little quirks.
As far as Emily knew, the rest of the Undersiders had left town, which was also perfectly fine with her. They'd never been overly troublesome, but at some point they would have earned a spot on the PRT's radar. Letting some other city deal with them (minus their Thinker) was slightly less problematic than making room for them in the holding cells.
After Coil's capture, Psyche had been downright cooperative when it came to showing Armsmaster where the rest of Coil's caches were, as well as the safety codes on his computer in the base. It was true that she had been a supervillain, but she was also a known friend of Snek's, so Emily was willing to bend the rules more than a little to accommodate her as a probationary Ward. Psyche seemed willing to keep her nose clean (maybe having Snek as a friend was contingent on not breaking the rules?) so everyone got what they wanted.
Emily liked win-win situations; she encountered them rarely enough that she truly appreciated them when they did show up.
"So, I've been through all the footage and pictures of these 'hearth-dragons', as they call 'em," Psyche began. "Armsmaster rated it all one hundred percent genuine, per Dragon. It's what they say it is. Actual, smart little critters that look like someone took fantasy dragons and applied a strong layer of cuteness to them. The mention of 'bonding' suggests that there's some kind of emotional link after a while, stronger than you get with an ordinary pet."
Emily had never had a pet of any description, but she'd seen how some people got with them. "Like a Master effect?" she ventured, sitting forward again.
Psyche frowned. "Brandish's phrasing indicates that there's something going on. She's more kindly disposed toward them than I'd expect her to be. But neither is she advocating that everyone get one and join the cult of the hearth-dragon. Not that she needs to encourage anyone: a full two-thirds of the comments in that thread are about how adorable they look."
This is where they got down to the nitty-gritty. "Are hearth-dragons a threat?"
"On balance … I don't think so." Psyche no doubt saw Emily's sour expression, which didn't need esoteric Thinker powers to decipher. "If you'll allow me to present my reasoning?"
"Please do." Emily tried not to be curt but when she asked a question, she expected a definitive answer, especially if it was about whether something was a threat.
Psyche cleared her throat. "First: they're from Snek's world. I personally trust Snek, without reservation. I doubt very much that he or his Master would allow a potentially dangerous species to come through into Earth Bet. Second: out of eight members, only three of New Wave have hearth-dragons, and the rest of them don't seem to have a problem with that. Third: Brandish has always been prickly and hard to deal with. This latest post suggests that she's lightened up a little, without totally changing her personality. I'm wondering if the 'mutual benefit' aspect involves enabling the human part of the bond to get rid of toxic mental baggage, so they just plain become a nicer person."
Emily eyed Psyche suspiciously, but neither by intonation nor flick of eye did the girl suggest that she might be thinking Emily could do with a hearth-dragon of her own. She would've had to possess superhuman willpower to not to be doing that exact thing, but as long as she didn't show it, Emily didn't have to take notice of it. Besides, as Psyche had pointed out, they were very cute, and apparently quite personable.
"I see." She rubbed her chin. "Is there anything else you've gleaned about them?"
"Actually, yes." Psyche pulled out her phone and showed Emily a series of photos, portraying dragons—large and small—in front of a landscape that could've come out of any fantasy movie, finishing up with a close-up of one that looked like the gold-and-salmon one, which had been perched on Flashbang's shoulder.
Emily examined them closely. All the images were nicely framed, and she'd actually seen a couple of them before, but apart from the fact that they portrayed creatures utterly unknown to science, she could see nothing unremarkable about them. "What am I looking for?"
Psyche flicked through to the last one. "According to Flashbang, these pictures were all taken by this one, Snap. Not only are they highly empathetic, but they're also capable of learning to use technology. Flashbang has actually started a photo-blog for Snap, and it's picking up followers by the hour."
"Let me see those again." Emily looked closely at the images as Psyche scrolled through them once more. Her first impression had not been amiss: the pictures were quite nice. She'd taken worse ones herself. "Tell me, is this a good thing or a bad thing?"
Once again, Psyche looked undecided. "Well, it's definitely a thing. Hearth-dragons aren't as smart as humans … well, not in the same way that humans are, anyway. They'd probably get bored with complicated math and they're effectively non-verbal, but their emotional intelligence is far higher than ours and they do have forepaws that can be used as hands."
Emily pursed her lips, looking over the photos again. She got bored with complicated math, too; the implication that being able to form whole sentences was the only thing that made her superior to hearth-dragons didn't exactly fill her with joy. "Give me the bottom line, here."
"Overall, I think they're a good thing." Psyche took a deep breath and side-eyed Emily. "They're smart and affectionate, and they like people. If they can take a cape like Brandish and smooth off some of her sharper edges, then imagine the impact worldwide if the cape aggression index was turned downward even by ten percent."
While Emily could imagine it, and liked what she saw, it seemed too good to be true. "What if it's an idiosyncratic reaction? We don't know that it's a regular thing … do we?"
"Well, Flashbang suffers from clinical depression. During that fight, he stood taller and took more initiative than he has in years. I think proximity to Snap actually helps him mentally and emotionally, just like Argent helps Brandish." Psyche spread her hands. "It's just two data points, but they're both positive."
"Last question." Looking across her desk at Psyche, Emily tilted her head. "If you were given the opportunity to form a bond with a hearth-dragon, would you?"
From the way the girl blinked in surprise, this was the first question she hadn't anticipated ahead of time. "Um … yeah, actually, I think I would. I know I've got baggage, and cuddle therapy with a cute little dragon looks a lot more attractive than all the other ways to get past it."
"Understood. Thank you for your report. Dismissed."
As the door closed behind Psyche, Emily leaned back in her chair once more, thinking hard. The report and subsequent discussion had been illuminating; while she still wasn't one hundred percent set on her course, she could see the way forward more clearly now.
Let's just hope it doesn't blow up in my face.
Garotte
Sveta looked wistfully at the cute little dragons in the photo-blog again. The picture of Panacea cuddling the dark purple one was almost too cute for words, and she couldn't even hate the healer for having something she didn't. Panacea's expression while holding Twilight was that of someone who'd found the missing piece in their life, and Sveta could never begrudge someone of that kind of happiness.
I wish I could find it myself.
Oh, who am I kidding? If I had someone in my life, or even a hearth-dragon, my tentacles would only crush them, and then I'd have nothing and nobody again.
As far as she could tell, hearth-dragons were extremely tactile. They enjoyed being next to the people they were bonded to, either perched on their shoulders or snuggled up to them in some fashion. This would be fatal for any hearth-dragon in her vicinity, because her tentacles were also extremely tactile in nature, in that they would seek out and crush any strange object within their range.
Her wistful comment online came back to haunt her now. She had even less chance to 'haz' a hearth-dragon than every other person who had responded to the post, by many orders of magnitude. Despair welled up in her heart: not just the angst of someone who will never achieve a coveted goal (and who never even had a chance at it) but the bone-deep knowledge (if she'd had bones) that nothing else of that nature would ever come her way. It was just the way things were.
I'm why I can't have good things. Yay for me.
The words were bitter on her tongue, even though she didn't speak them out loud. She began to silently cry, hating that she couldn't even get through something like this without being so weak. Black bile, she knew, was oozing out through her tear ducts, which did nothing to improve matters in the slightest.
I just wish someone would save me from this shit like Snek saved all those people in Savannah.
Drenched in misery, locked into her own private world of unhappiness within the very real secure cell, she only became aware that something had changed when some of her tentacles stirred.
"Hello, tentacle girl," a hissing voice came from behind her. "Ssnek iss here to ssave you."
What? Startled, she spun around, to see a large portal interrupting a section of the wall opposite. Protruding from the portal was the now-familiar head of the world's best-known snake. Against all odds, he was smiling at her.
"No!" she gasped. "You can't be here! You've got to get away!"
Snek didn't move from the spot. "Tentacle girl called for help," he said patiently, even as her tentacles struck and wrapped around his head. "Ssnek hass come to help. Doess tentacle girl want to be ssaved?"
Sveta stared. He was much larger than anyone her tentacles had maimed or killed before, but that shouldn't be an issue. The tendrils which were the bane of her life were strong enough to bend steel in their implacable grasp. But although they were wrapped around his head and neck and she could tell that they were trying very hard to squeeze the life out of him, he didn't seem to be aware of their efforts. Most incongruously, the stylish fedora that adorned the middle of his broad head wasn't even being crushed or dented by the two tentacles that lay over the top of it.
"I …" she began, aware that he'd asked the question and not wanting to come across as rude by failing to answer in good time. (Though 'rude' really wasn't a good descriptor for it, when her treacherous body was simultaneously attempting to murder him). "Can you save me? If you take me out of here, then my tentacles will just start killing people again." Perhaps the worst part of it was when she got hungry and her tentacles shoved anything and everything with nutritional value at her mouth; if she'd just been killing people, that veered hard into nightmare territory really quickly.
"Ssnek will not let that happen, tentacle girl." The gigantic serpent maintained the same imperturbable air and polite tone that he had since he'd intruded on her cell. "Ssnek will take tentacle girl to Masster. He will fixx. Masster knowss how to fixx anything."
Reading online, Sveta had encountered hints of Snek's Master, but knew absolutely nothing beyond that. Whoever or whatever this Master might be, she decided that if they could fix her problems, then they'd have to be a downright miracle worker.
On second thought, they had theoretically been behind Snek chowing down on both Leviathan and the Simurgh, and if that didn't count as a miracle, there wasn't much that did.
"Okay," she decided. Screw it, it's not like my life can get any worse than this. "Go ahead. Just keep me far enough away from him that I don't hurt him, alright?"
"Ssnek doess not believe that will be a problem." And then the gigantic snake did the impossible … again. She hadn't really registered that he was talking despite the multitude of tentacles binding his jaws shut, but now he just … opened them. Her tentacles were forced to let go, flailing wildly as even their prodigious strength was overcome with ridiculous ease.
From out of his mouth emerged a long pink tongue; unlike what she'd heard about ordinary snakes, this one subdivided several times, making it into a serviceable analogue to a hand. As the branches of the tongue closed around her head and a large bunch of her tentacles, she had a sudden thought: oh hey, so that's what it's like for other people. Her tentacles struggled against the grasp, but in total vain. (That was also something she'd been on the other side of, far too many times).
And then she was drawn irresistibly into that gaping maw, past the extremely impressive teeth, and into the gullet. This part of the experience was new; while her tentacles had killed many people, they'd never forced her to eat anyone alive (not that she was exactly capable of it, of course).
In the blackness of Snek's throat, she couldn't see a thing. But all the same, she somehow managed to register being shoved sideways into a space that was blacker than black. Within that space, there was no space. There was no time. There was nothing, not even her—
The Magician's Apprentice
"Ssnek hass brought tentacle girl to be fixxed, Masster." Snek beamed proudly.
Riley knew he liked helping people, and there was a ton of people on Earth Bet who needed helping at any hour of night or day. But at the same time, he always seemed to locate the ones for whom a taxi ride home and a loan to tide them over until payday just wouldn't cover things. He was good at finding the interesting cases, the ones that occasionally caused the boss to raise one shaggy eyebrow.
Riley wasn't sure who 'tentacle girl' referred to, but it promised to be one of the good ones. She wondered if it was one of her old victims (she couldn't actually remember giving anyone tentacles, but that didn't mean she hadn't). If it was, she was going to make a point of apologising profusely after the person had all their bits and pieces back in the right order.
"So I see, Snek." The boss made a few gestures, settling a protective sphere in place. "Kindly place her in there, please."
"Yess, Masster." Snek's impressively agile tongue dipped back into his mouth and retrieved what looked like a tangled bundle of ropes from what he called his 'no-eat placce', depositing it deftly into the protective sphere. It woke up half a second too late—spending time in that weird space usually had that effect—and lashed out at the sphere, to no good effect. In the middle of it all was an anxious female face with the unmistakeable inverted omega of Cauldron tattooed on one cheekbone.
Riley blinked in mildly surprised recognition. "Huh, that's Garotte. Case fifty-three. Vial situation, like Noelle and her friends were, and Paige." I should've known that's what Snek meant by 'tentacle girl'.
"Indeed," the boss observed. "The evil that men do to one another in the name of good is an abyss without end. This will be an interesting one for the collection."
"What are we gonna do for her body?" asked Riley, because she was pretty sure the boss wasn't going to leave Garotte as just a disembodied face. Knowing what was coming next, she headed over to the shelf to collect the extraction tongs and an appropriately enchanted jar.
"I believe a type-three construct body will suffice at first," he mused, accepting the tools with a nod of thanks. "Once Ms Sveta has had a chance to come to terms with her new situation, she will then be able to make the final choice for herself."
"Gotcha." Riley headed off to grab one of the type threes. Technically, she knew how the procedure went to stuff someone's mind into one of these, but she'd never actually seen it done (and was pretty damn sure she wasn't up to the job herself). But the boss totally had it in hand.
This was gonna be educational, the best kind of fun.
End of Part Twenty-Nine