[KING'S LANDING, GARDENS]
[LADY SANSA STARK and LORD TYRION LANNISTER stroll side-by-side through the gardens on a beautiful day. SHAE follows, a few paces back. SER ELDRICK SARSFIELD and LORD DESMOND CRAKEHALL pass, snickering at them]
"I'm afraid that is something you will need to get used to, my Lady," Tyrion said out loud for Sansa to hear. "Association to me would get you… ridiculed."
"Well it's a good thing we aren't marrying then, isn't it?" Sansa asked, her tone neutral and eyes cold.
Tyrion raised a glass to that and inhaled the contents.
"Ser Eldrick Sarsfield and Lord Desmond Crakehall. Ser Eldrick Sarsfield and Lord Desmond Crakehall."
"What are you doing?"
"I have a list."
"Very Arya of him" Bran muttered, immediately yelping when his sister hit him
Arya glared at him but said nothing more.
"A list of people you mean to kill?"
"For laughing at me? Do I look like Joffrey to you? No, death seems a bit extreme. Fear of death, on the other hand-"
Sansa rolled her eyes. Typical. She couldn't even say this was typical male behaviour, considering her sister might do something similar.
"You should learn to ignore them."
"My lady, people have been laughing at me far longer than they've been laughing at you. I'm the Halfman, the Demon Monkey, the Imp."
"Th-they called him that?" Joanna asked, her words tripping over slightly in her surprise.
"There's little you can do to stop it once it starts amongst the Smalfolks and father does not see any use in putting these rumours down. It targeted Tyrion and only Tyrion, not House Lannister as a whole" Jaime explained.
Jonna bit her tongue from swearing out. Fucking Tywin Lannister.
[SANSA and TYRION laugh. TYRION realizes that SHAE overheard that comment. He looks back, embarrassed, and she returns his look, cooly.]
"Trouble in paradise," Renly said, almost teasingly.
Tyrion just sighed. No doubt his future self made many promises to that girl, only for it all to crumble down around her.
He couldn't help but think that it would come to bite him in the ass…
"So how should we punish them?"
"Who? Whom?"
"Ser Eldrick Sarsfield and Lord Desmond Crakehall."
"Ah. I could speak to Lord Varys and learn their perversions. Anyone named Desmond Crakehall must be a pervert."
"I hear that you're a pervert."
"I am the Imp. I have certain standards to maintain."
"We could sheep shift Lord Desmond's bed. You cut a little hole in his mattress and you stuff sheep dung inside. Then you sew up the hole and make his bed again. His room will stink, but he won't know where it's coming from."
"I did that to you" Arya muttered, looking at her sister.
"You do that to me" Sansa corrected.
Both sisters were grinning, as if they both had accepted the other in some way.
"My sister used to do that when she was angry with me. And she was always angry with me."
[PODRICK PAYNE runs down the steps of the garden, looking for TYRION.]
"My lord, my lady. Your father has called a meeting of the small council."
"No doubt to relay the message of his 'glorious' victory" Tyrion muttered scathingly.
The hall chilled a little at the mention of Tywin Lannister.
[THE HAND'S CHAMBERS]
[TYRION enters. LORD TYWIN LANNISTER, QUEEN CERSEI LANNISTER, VARYS, and GRAND MAESTER PYCELLE are already seated. KING JOFFREY BARATHEON walks behind his grandfather, excited and grinning.]
"Show him. Come on, show him."
[Hand shaking, PYCELLE offers a scroll to TYRION. He drops it before TYRION can grab it.]
"Oh, apologies, my lord. Old fingers."
"Oh bull shit" Rhaegar snorted disdainfully. That old lecher did it on purpose!
[Annoyed, TYRION reaches to the floor and snatches the scroll. He reads it. JOFFREY is manic with energy.]
"Roslin caught a fine fat trout. Her brothers gave her a pair of wolf pelts for her wedding. Signed Walder Frey.' Is that bad poetry or is it supposed to mean something?"
"Robb Stark is dead. And his bitch mother."
[JOFFREY turns to Pycelle]
"Write back to Lord Frey. Thank him for his service and command him to send Robb Stark's head. I'm going to serve it to Sansa at my wedding feast."
"Your Grace, Lady Sansa is your aunt by marriage."
"A joke. Joffrey did not mean it."
"He meant it" Sansa muttered, feeling sick to her stomach. She couldn't handle it. She knew she couldn't handle seeing Robb's head like she saw her father's.
"Yes, I did. I'm going to have it served to Sansa at my wedding feast."
"No. She is no longer yours to torment."
"Everyone is mine to torment. You'd do well to remember that, you little monster."
Disgust roiled through the minds of everyone, especially those with a memory of Aerys Targaryen. It was like seeing him all over again, except golden and younger.
"Oh, I'm a monster. Perhaps you should speak to me more softly, then. Monsters are dangerous and just now kings are dying like flies."
"Stupid thing to say, brother. Deserved, but completely stupid" Jaime muttered.
"Yeah, well I don't quite hold myself back on reprimanding my nephew we both know. Him being a King seems to not have changed that habit of mine" Tyrion muttered around his chalice.
"I could have your tongue out for saying that."
[CERSEI takes JOFFREY's hand to calm him.]
"Let him make his threats. Hmm? He's a bitter little man."
"Look who's talking" Tyrion snorted.
"Lord Tyrion should apologize immediately. Unacceptable, disrespectful, and in very bad taste."
"I can kill him, yes?" Tyrion looked expectantly at his King. "When we return."
Robert waved it away. Pycelle was not his concern.
Tyrion though was grinning.
"I am the king! I will punish you."
"Any man who must say, 'I am the king' is no true king. I'll make sure you understand that when I've won your war for you."
Tyrion smirked. Finally, that bastard was going to be leashed.
"My father won the real war. He killed Prince Rhaegar. He took the crown while you hid under Casterly Rock!"
Tyrion blinked in surprise at the gall on Joffrey, while a lot of people snorted. They had a similar thought to the one Joffrey had, but Tyrion cared more about the balls on his nephew.
Power really did change people.
[Once again, the room goes silent as the depth of the insult sinks in.]
"The king is tired. See him to his chambers."
"He did not just-"
"I think he did-"
A few people laughed at the dismissal. The fucking king dismissed as a tantrum-throwing child!
Then again, Joffrey surely acted like that.
"I'm not tired."
[CERSEI pulls JOFFREY towards the door.]
"We have so much to celebrate. A wedding to plan. You must rest."
"Grand Maester, perhaps some essence of nightshade to help him sleep."
"I'm not tired!"
[CERSEI and JOFFREY exit. PYCELLE stands, takes the scroll from the table, and shuffles out. Next, VARYS rises smoothly to depart. TYRION cautiously swivels to leave as well.]
"Not you."
[TYRION measures the situation as VARYS exits.]
"You just sent the most powerful man in Westeros to bed without his supper."
"You're a fool if you believe he's the most powerful man in Westeros."
"But he's King," Tommen said softly. "Aren't Kings the most powerful?"
"A King is only as strong as the people that support him. He has no armies of his own" Tyrion explained.
Tommen nodded thoughtfully.
"A treasonous statement. Joffrey is king."
"You really think a crown gives you power?"
"No. I think armies give you power. Robb Stark had one, never lost a battle, and you defeated him all the same."
[TYWIN hums]
"Oh, I know. Walder Frey gets all the credit. Or the blame, I suppose, depending on your allegiance. Walder Frey is many things, but a brave man? No. He never would have risked such an action if he didn't have certain assurances."
"Which he got from me. Do you disapprove?"
The people already knew this, or at least suspected it. But to hear it so blatantly… their anger only rose.
"I'm all for cheating. This is war."
"But to slaughter them at a wedding. Explain to me why it is more noble to kill ten thousand men in battle than a dozen at dinner."
"You break no oaths when you kill men in war," Ned said coldly. "Men know what they are signing up for. Guest Rights are not things to play with to avoid losses."
He was snarling at the end, sounding vicious enough to push anyone back, out of fear that he would lash out at them.
Not that people would fight him on this, not when they agreed.
"So that's why you did it? To save lives?"
"To end the war. To protect the family. Do you want to write a song for the dead Starks? Go ahead, write one. I'm in this world a little while longer to defend the Lannisters, to defend my blood."
"The Northerners will never forget."
"Good. Let them remember what happens when they march on the South. All the Stark men are dead. Winterfell is a ruin. Roose Bolton will be named Warden of the North until your son by Sansa comes of age. I believe you still have some work to do on that score."
AH, so that's what was promised.
Ned's hand clenched in anger. It was a mistake on his mind to overlook certain rumours coming from the Dreadfort. No, there would be no mercy from him this time, even without any proof at hand. He could not let a snake fester in his backyard.
"Do you think she'll open her legs for me after I tell her how we murdered her mother and brother?"
"One way or another, you will get that girl pregnant."
Joanna's hand clenched in disbelief and anger. To suggest that-
"If you don't kill him, I will" Brandon the Elder snarled.
"You're dead," Tyrion said blandly.
"I'll find a way" Brandon ground out.
"Don't go through the trouble. I will have him killed" Tyrion assured him.
"If not, I'll make sure he's dead," Oberyn said cheerfully. "I'd be more than happy to do so."
Brandon nodded with a savage smile.
[DUNGEON, SOMEWHERE]
[RAMSAY SNOW sits, merrily eating a sausage. LORD THEON GREYJOY is strapped once again to the X-shaped cross.]
Theon winced. He did not want to come back here and see himself in this state. But since he was… the torture was probably not over.
"Well, the girls weren't lying. You had a good-sized cock."
"Please tell me he didn't fuck himself with my cock" Theon muttered.
"I'm sure he enjoyed It brother" Yara clapped him on the back. Her brother had come to join her again, to her smiles.
Theon though scowled.
"I am not fucking some pillowbiter's ass."
"It's not different from a woman's cunt, I can assure you."
"I highly doubt that."
"Other than a baby being pushed out of there, they are both fuck hole" she grinned.
Theon made a face of disgust.
"What? No. Pork sausage. You think I'm some sort of savage? People talk about phantom limbs. An amputee might have an itch where his foot used to be. So I've always wondered do eunuchs have a phantom cock?"
[He holds up a pork sausage as a visual aid and shakes it. THEON winces and whimpers. He begins to weep. RAMSAY takes a bite.]
Theon… stiffened.
"What did he say?" he asked in disbelief.
"He cut your cock" Yara said simply, though there was nothing simple in her blank look.
Theon was not filled with grief or fear but with anger. The anger boiled in him, but he showed restraint. There was no point blowing up here, nobody would take his side if he did. He'll hold it in, and once he was out he'd find this bastard and make sure to kill it himself.
[THE PYKE]
[LORD BALON GREYJOY sits at a cluttered table. LADY YARA GREYJOY stands nearby. BALON opens a leather tube to reveal a scroll. He draws out the scroll and recognizes the wax seal of the Flayed Man. He breaks the seal and unrolls the scroll.]
"The bastard wrote to father" Yara mused with interest.
"Balon Greyjoy, Lord of the Iron Islands and invader of the North. I give you until the full moon to order all Ironborn scum out of the North and back to those shit-stained rocks you call home."
[YARA carefully unwraps the burlap and twine from around a package. Inside is a small chest. She frees the clasp.]
"On the first night of the full moon, I will hunt down every islander still in our lands and flay them living the way I flayed the twenty Ironborn scum I found at Winterfell. In the box, you'll find a special gift- Theon's favourite toy. He cried when I took it away from him."
"I can't believe he'd send that" Yara muttered, not amused but still smiling a cutting smile.
"I can. That sucker's a psychopath" Theon growled out.
"Leave the North now or more boxes will follow with more Theon. Signed Ramsay Snow, natural-born son of Roose Bolton, Lord of the Dreadfort and Warden of the North. Get that out of my sight. Theon disobeyed my orders."
[YARA gives BALON a challenging look.]
"The boy is a fool. He cannot further the Greyjoy line. I will not give up the lands I have seized, the strongholds I have taken. Get this away from me."
Theon's face fell as his father said that. He was wrong, he knew it before now he was certain. His father didn't give two shits about him, only what he brought to the table. And a cockless imprisoned son who can't do shit to further the line was of no use to him.
Theon's hand clenched painfully in anger and betrayal. That man was supposed to be his father.
"He's your son. He's my brother. He's a Greyjoy."
"Watch yourself. I've made my decision."
"And I've made mine. I'm going to pick the fastest ship in our fleet. I'm going to choose the fifty best killers on the Iron Islands. I'm going to sail up the Narrow Sea all the way to the Weeping Water. I'm going to march on the Dreadfort. I'm going to find my little brother and I'm going to bring him home.
[Scene changes to YARA aboard an Ironborn ship. The crew stands at attention as she walks past. The crew then prepares the ship for travel. The Pyke stands in the distance. YARA is in command.]
"Thank you" Theon muttered to his sister, the anger no longer in his voice. There was someone at least who would support him no matter what.
Yara took his hand and gave him a gentle squeeze.
"You're my brother" she whispered strongly. She said no more, she need not say more. That was reason enough.
Theon smiled, his eyes strangely glassy.
[DRAGONSTONE, DUNGEON]
[SER DAVOS SEAWORTH approaches GENDRY's cell. GENDRY sits with his back to the bars.]
"Guess they're done 'fattening' me up," Gendry said dryly. Highborns and their sick politics.
"How are you keeping?"
"Great. Never better."
"It was just a bit of blood."
"I should have known. Every time a highborn asks my name, it's trouble. We're not really people to you, are we? Just a million different ways to get what you want."
"I'm not a highborn. I lived below the Street of Flour."
"How far below? How close to the Red Keep were you?"
"The shit that poured from their privy pipes flowed down the side of Aegon's Hill along Tanner's Row and right in front of my front door on Gin Alley."
"I think we should seriously consider doing some work on the city infrastructure," Renly said with a grimace. Had it not been for this, he would not know such… unsavoury information.
Robert gave a non-committal grunt that Renly knew all too well. There would be no looking into this thing.
"The Street of Steel, with your armour and your knights? Pfft. You lived in the fancy part of town. And here we are now. Two boys from Flea Bottom in the castle of a king."
"Yeah, we've come a long way. We're all the same, really. She went to great pains to point that out to me."
"If you mistrust fancy people so much, why were you in such a hurry to trust her?"
"You're me. Never been with a woman. Never talked to a woman, really. And then she comes at you- big words, no clothes. What would you have done?"
The men in the hall nodded and mumbled between them. That made perfect sense to them.
"She does know her way around a man's head, I'll give her that."
[They both chuckle.]
"So how'd you become a lord?"
"Many years ago I helped King Stannis out of a difficult situation. He rewarded me with a lordship. And this."
[DAVOS shows GENDRY his half-fingers.]
"You see? Highborns."
"Well he wears it with pride" Gendry muttered. He heard the man say it himself during these visions.
"I didn't want to be a lord. I nearly didn't accept."
"Why did you?"
"I did it for my son."
"The things you'd do for your children" Tyrion mused. He'd already seen some examples, like Catelyn Stark kidnapping him, or Catelyn Stark releasing his brother and fucking up a war effort.
"I didn't want him to step over a river of shit every time he stepped through his front door. I wanted him to have a better life."
"Does he?"
"He's dead."
"How'd he die?"
"Following me."
"No, he died following me" Stannis muttered to himself. Davos and his son heeded his call, and they gathered to his call. So all lives lost were on him, not anyone else. He won't allow anyone else to take responsibility.
[KING'S LANDING, GARDENS]
[SHAE stares out at the ships in the harbour. VARYS approaches behind her.]
"You've been a good influence on our mutual friend, you know. He used to drink from sundown to sunup, visit three brothels a night, and gamble away his father's money. Now it's just the drinking."
Tyrion snorted. He wasn't that bad.
His brother's look on the other hand said otherwise.
"And now I'm his wife's servant. I brush her hair and clip her nails and empty her chamber pot."
"She is a sweet young thing. None of this is her fault."
"I love that girl. I would kill for her."
"Mother, is it possible to find her?" Sansa asked softly, in her usual respectful tone. "She is nice, and she's fiercely protective of future me. I want her and me to be friends like that. Can we have her work for us?"
Catelyn looked at her husband, waiting for his response.
Ned gave a small nod.
"Of course" Catelyn replied with a smile.
Sansa smiled back.
"We break bread with them, but that doesn't make us family. We've learned their language, but we'll never be their countrymen. If you let yourself believe that a foreign girl with no name could spend her life with the son of Tywin Lannister-"
"Sometimes even having a last name isn't enough" Tyrion muttered darkly. Tysha had a family name, mayhaps a small family but a family nonetheless.
"I have a name."
"You have one name. As do I. Here only the family name matters."
"What do you want from me, Lord Varys?"
[VARYS hands SHAE a small bag of diamonds.]
"Diamonds. I'd tell you to beware of carrying so much wealth, but you know how to protect yourself. Get on one of those ships. Sail to Pentos or Lys or Myr. You can buy a house with these diamonds, a very large house. Hire servants. Start a new life, a good life, far from here. The mysterious foreign beauty. You'll have suitors lining up."
"Why do you want me to leave?"
"Tyrion Lannister is one of the few people alive who could make this country a better place. He has the mind for it, he has the will, he has the right last name. And you- you are a complication. I know you love him. And I know it's true love not bought by gold and silver. I'm not asking you to leave him for money. I'm asking you to leave because your presence in the capital endangers him. This will never be your home, my lady. Find a true home somewhere far from here while there's still time."
"You seem to hold a high opinion of me, Lord Varys," Tyrion said with equal parts smugness and equal parts surprise.
"I agree with everything my future self says" Varys lowered his head with a smile. "The realm would do well with someone like you."
Tyrion sipped his wine and huffed slightly. Maybe the Spider was pandering to him, saying what he wanted to hear. But it did feel nice to be appreciated for once.
[VARYS moves to leave SHAE tosses the bag of diamonds at VARYS's feet.]
"If he wants me to leave, he can tell me himself."
"Of course, she'd think it was me who sent Varys" Tyrion sighed. If he wasn't sure before, he was sure now. That girl would cause him great trouble.
Elia stood, smoothing out her dress.
"Excuse us a bit, but I would like to speak with Daenerys and Jon for a little bit."
"We've already delayed enough, Princess" Olenna said sharply but huffing as well.
"It will only take a little while" Elia replied with an apologetic smile.
The Queen of Thorns huffed once more and looked away.
Elia motioned for the two to follow as she made her way through the doors. Daenerys followed without question.
Jon on the other hand shared uneasy glances with his siblings before being pushed to follow the Princess by his mother.