Disclaimer: All familiar characters belong to Janet Evanovich. I am not making any money from this.
A/N I must learn to stay away from Internet memes but this one spoke to me. I've seen it on t-shirts and several photos of cats with very intense, focused looks on their faces. The caption reads: "The chances of being killed by your cat are low, but never zero." Another one-shot, I think, although it could go on forever with JE's cast of characters.
Chances Are by Debra8652
Tank's POV
Little Girl came bounding into my office at 0730, eyes twinkling and curls bouncing. I've been looking forward to her arrival as she has taken on some of the mountains of paperwork that seem to accumulate out of nowhere - maybe I have my own version of Rodriguez. As I start to hand her a pile of paper, she waves me off and shows me her iPad screen - it's a meme of an orange cat sitting in a deep bathroom sink with only its ears and eyes showing. Since the cat is orange, odds are high that it's a male. The cat is intensely staring at a shower curtain that's partially closed. One can only assume that the person in the shower will be meeting an untimely end. The caption reads: "The chances of being killed by your cat are low, but never zero." I have to admit that I identify with it and show her an Internet pic of a t-shirt - it's a cartoon cat holding a knife with the same caption. Since she and Ranger don't have a cat, I asked her to fill in the blank: "The chances of being killed by (fill in the blank) are low, but never zero." Her eyes get huge and she mumbles something about there being endless possibilities. She narrows it down to three and says "The chances of being killed by 1) Joyce Barnhardt, 2) Dickie Orr, or 3) my mother are low, but never zero." I can already see her turning this into a quiz among her Rangeman coworkers. She heads to the breakroom to catch her first unsuspecting victims.
Steph's POV
Tank just gave me a great idea for an icebreaker/morale booster. I plan to ask everyone I see, both in and out of the office, and compile their responses. First off, my soulmate, and then onward!
Ranger: The chances of being killed by my Abuela are low, but never zero.
Bobby Brown: The chances of being killed by my patients are low, but never zero.
Lester Santos: The chances of being killed by any of the two dozen different women I've already dated this month are low, but never zero.
Brett: The chances of being killed by a taxidermied, exploding beaver are low, but never zero.
Rodriguez: The chances of being killed by Rangeman's head researcher are low, but never zero.
Hector: The chances of me being killed by anyone is zero.
Diesel: Same answer as Hector.
Woody: The chances of being killed by stampeding cattle are low, but never zero.
Zip: The chances of being killed by Zero are low, but never zero.
Zero: The chances of being killed by Zip are low, but never zero.
Cal: The chances of being killed by a rogue tattoo artist are low, but never zero.
Hal: The chances of being killed by embarrassment are low, but never zero.
Edna Mazur: The chances of being killed by Bella Morelli are low, but never zero.
Vinnie Plum: Oh, hell - the list is too long. Ok, ok: The chances of being killed by 1) my bookie, 2) Connie, 3) Lula, or 4) Harry the Hammer are low, but never zero. Cripes - the odds aren't low - even odds at best.
Randy Briggs: Christ - how long can the list be? Ok, ok: The chances of being killed by anyone I've ever met are low, but never zero.
A/N Fyi, the majority of orange cats are male. Your reviews are appreciated!