--
"Shit, what time is it?" Will muttered to himself, checking the clock, 10:41 fuck, for the first time he was happy that Kayla hadn't let him take on another shift. He got out, careful to not disturb the sleeping boy next to him, he looked so peaceful unlike the other times he slept, this time he looked as if he had truly been at ease while asleep. He walked out into the hallway where he was met with his younger sister,
"Solace."
"I'm so sorry I-"
"You aren't working for the rest of the week."
"What!? You can't-"
"Yes, I can, Chiron approved. You haven't slept or eaten properly for far too long, you need a break Will, you can't keep working all night and day every day."
"What about Nico?"
"Only exception and that's because you're a simp, you aren't allowed to work for the rest of the week and no more back to back day, night shift."
"But I don't-"
"William Andrew Solace you will be taking this motherfucking break, and right now you are going to get your ass to cabin 7 and confirm that you are still head of Apollo to the confused new kids who are wondering if you are real and then you are going to eat a full breakfast."
"Fine, but if you ever need help-
"I will get somebody else, the last time you took a break willingly was for a funeral."
"I- alright, thank you."
"Sometimes you need someone to forcibly make you take care of yourself." She said before pushing him out the infirmary door; she paced around the room, fucking shit, she needed to talk to him. How the hell was she meant to bring it up, it was always him bringing up concern for others what the fuck was she going to do? How the fuck was she meant to tell him she knew, how was she meant to help? There was also the other thing she needed to talk about, he would react well... right? It was Will, how could he not react well? At least that's what she hoped.
"Neeks, you awake?"
"What time is it?" The Hades child mumbled, pushing his hair out of his face.
"11:24."
"How the fuck am I still tired?"
"Because you still need to catch up on sleep and you're off drugs medical and others after a while so you're still adjusting."
"I'll be honest I didn't process half of that." Will rolled his eyes teasingly, walking over to mess up his hair more than it already was. Will started to look through some files he'd brought in with himself as Nico started to get ready,
"Can I braid your hair?"
"You know how to braid?"
"Not very well, but Kayla made me learn a few years ago before she had to let Aussi cut her hair on a dare."
"I can imagine how well that went, but sure." Will sat next to him, brushing out and parting his hair before starting to do a french braid. "Do you have the second volume of Heartstopper?" Will laughed, quickly kissing Nico on the cheek.
"I can't believe I thought you were straight but yes, I have all the books."
"I can't believe I thought you were straight."
"Think you were the only one Neeks."
"Oh shut up Solace."
"Don't think I will di Angelo."
"Gods save me."
"What do you want to eat?"
"Nothing." He answered almost instantly,
"Not an option."
"I'm not hungry." He promptly ignored him and pulled out three ceral bars from his pocket,
"Pick one."
"Leave me alone."
"Do you feel sick?"
"I- I- just... can't, drop it William."
"I'll leave them here, just eat when you can, alright?" He said, half hugging him.
"Fine."
"Nico, have you considered talking to someone? Maybe keeping a journal as well?"
"Only if you'll also get help." He couldn't think of something he wanted to do less but Will needed help, desperately.
"It's not your job to worry about me."
"Will, I'm your boyfriend, it really is."
"Are you comfortable with the idea of talking to someone?" He was fine, he knew he was worthless what's the point of lying to himself.
"N-no." Fuck, this wasn't going the way he hoped.
"Nico, you don't need to do anything that you aren't comfortable with, that won't help. Also... I'm sorry about last night.. I- it's- yeah I'm just sorry."
"Will, no one's perfect, you need help, please, just try to."
"Neeks, I'm fine, really. I was just shocked last night and yeah, there have been a lot of people in the infirmary because of the war normally it's just less hectic." Lying through his teeth, he hated himself for it but that's fine, just another thing to add to the endless list. He wasn't Nico's responsibility, he doesn't need anything else on his mind.
"Just, take a break every now and then, I swear you're always working."
"Actually Kayla's ban me from working for the rest of the week soooooo."
"Good, you need it. Wait does that mean I don't get to see you for a week?"
"Nope, you can't get rid of me that easily. Apparently I'm too much of a simp for that, but I have a feeling she's timing it to make sure I don't spend the whole day here."
"I can see that happening, but you need a break so she is completely right."
"I really hate you sometimes di Anglo."
"I know." He whispers, blowing the son of Apollo a kiss.
"Solace, times up!"
"Better go Sunshine, also... I'll try journaling, I don't know if it'll help but I'll try."
"I'm proud of you Neeks," He ruffled his hair before pressing a soft kiss to his lips, he kissed him back, wrapping his hands around his neck."I'll see you soon."
"Will... can I talk to you?" She seemed... quieter than usual, almost scared.
"'Course Kay, what's up?" He moved closer to her on his bed, in the otherwise empty cabin, everyone else had already left for lunch.
"Well there's two things." Kayla was biting her nails, almost as if she was scared to continue.
"Are you alright? Has something happened? Do I need to beat anyone else up because you know I won't hesitate." She hoped this would go well, she needed this to go well otherwise she didn't know what the fuck she was going to do.
"No- Will it's not that I'm fine just- I wanted to tell you... I'm nonbinary, and I've been wanti-." He wrapped his arms around them, pulling into a hug.
"Thank you for telling me Kay, does anyone else know?"
"I was going to tell Austin last night but I couldn't find him, he's probably trying and failing to write music somewhere."
"That's a very Aussie thing to do; also I'm so proud of you." He ruffled their hair placing a kiss to their forehead.
"Will... there's something else I need to talk to you about." The child of Apollo's voice cracked in fear, they were shaking badly.
"Is everything okay...?"
"Your normally the one doing this but I guess someone has to do it to you."
"What do yo-"
"Will, I know about everything. You're not allowed to work, at all until you yourself are in a better state-"
"Kay-"
"No, you aren't working and I've already set you up with a therapist with Piper's help."
"So she told you?"
"She just said to keep an eye on you, so I did. You can't take care of everyone without taking care of yourself first."
"I'm not worth it, I can't fight so I need to make myself useful in some other way."
"Don't you fucking dare say that, Solace you need help and you will be getting it because I can't lose another brother." Tears fell from their eyes, Will pulled them into a hug,
"You won't lose me."
"It pretty well fucking seems like it considering the only thing you've eaten in weeks is nectar and ambrosia just enough to keep you alive, you haven't drank water in who knows how long, you work practically 24/7, you've fainted like twelve times in the last few days and hid in your office thinking no one would fucking notice, I really don't know how many meds you're taking to keep yourself alive but I know it's more than it should be because this isn't fucking healthy. You scared the living shit out of me so many fucking times because every time I see you looking half dead and I just think what if you physically can't take it anymore. Will you can't kill yourself, I can't fucking do this alone. People are being shit, I'm left trying to comfort crying children while I'm on the verge of tears myself, and Austin is doing who the fuck knows what because he keeps running off at random hours and acting weird as fuck. I can't fucking take this any longer and you aren't leaving me alone in this shit." They wiped the tears with the side of their sleeve.
"I- I-I'm sorry."
"Don't apologise, just please, for the love of Apollo, take care of yourself."
"I'll try." He would, but he knew there was no point.
"No working does include everyone by the way, that includes Nico, you can still see him I know that technically isn't protocol but it's probably better for everyone, you just don't have any actually medical authority." They conveniently left out the part that depending on how he was in a few days he might be joining Nico in the infirmary.
"Okay, yeah just please if it's ever too much let me help you."
"Austin can do that, you need time for yourself for once, maybe talk to some of the younger kids because they're terrified of you by the way."
"Why exactly?"
"I mean at first they thought you weren't real because you were never in the cabin then that turned to a ghost that was haunting the cabin which everyone called the head."
"Yeah I'll go talk to them, and Kay, thank you."
"You don't have to run the world on your own Summer Child."
"You're also an Apollo child." He said rolling his eyes,
"Yeah but I'm not blonde, catch ya later, gotta go find Austin."
His only thought was fuck, he still held on to the hope that they hadn't known about the smoking because he need it to keep him sane right now. What the fuck was he going to do, he knew he was going to have to convince the therapist he was fine, that wouldn't be too hard but Kayla's stubborn as fuck and Piper could charmspeak him. He'd kept himself alive for this long, he was fine, he didn't need help, he was fine with the sleep deprivation and not eating, it was easy for him and there wasn't enough time in a day to waste on things that could easily been erased with the correct combination of magic and science. He wanted to do something, anything, he just wanted to feel something that wasn't constant anxiety, he knew Kay would find out somehow but he couldn't care anymore. He slipped off his hoodie, the raw skin and scars stared back at him, blood was still staining his skin from the night before, weak, that's what he was. Too many people already knew, did Nico know? He probably did, that's why he was trying to convince him to take a break, fuck. Will didn't exactly remember the night before, he was higher than the fucking sun and just remembered Nico showing up, he remembers crying, he remembers smoking and he remembers waking up next to Nico, that was it. He took out the lighter that was still in his pocket, flicking it on, holding it over the scarred skin, he felt the sting but he needed it because he knew in himself that he didn't deserve this, he didn't deserve to be here while he hurt people, he let children die, all because he wasn't strong enough, his magic and years of practice hadn't meant anything. He was useless. The son of Apollo thought back to that night on the bridge, the night with Annabeth, wondering what would have happened if he jumped and why he didn't back then. His arm stung but he didn't get rid of the lighter; Kayla, Austin and every other Apollo child, that was why he didn't jump, he didn't jump because he didn't want to hurt them more than they were already hurt, he didn't want them to lose another older brother. He flicked the lighter off, he wasn't going to put them through that again, as much as he hated himself and as much as he hated this he would get help, if only for them. He was head of Apollo cabin and he needed to start taking responsibility, needed to help the new kids adjust, be there for anyone who needs him not as a doctor but as a brother. Will was getting help because no matter how much he hated himself, no matter how worthless he was, he needed to be there for them.
Hi, I guess I'm doing this now...? Will gave it to me with the second Heartstopper book, I don't really know what I'm doing but I guess I'm meant to write down my thoughts sooooo... I hate myself, I wish I was dead, I'm a freak, I can't even fucking eat for fucks sake what the fuck is wrong with me, the only good part if my life right now is Will an he's bound to leave soon enough. Fuck I wish I had a fag on me but I already know I won't get away with that in the infirmary, it's not that bad but it makes me feel so fucking useless, maybe if I shadow travelled back to my cabin I could get some, Will would fucking murder me but I might do it.
Here is a list of reasons I hate myself because that seems fucking productive:
1. I'm a fag that deserves to burn in Hell
2. I'm dependent on drugs before I can drive (legally)
3. I can't fucking eat like a normal fucking person
4. I hurt everyone I touch
5. I'm a fucking twig
6. I can't even use my fucking powers now that's how pathetic I've gotten
7. I'm a freak
8. I nearly betrayed everyone
9. I'm a shit brother to Hazel
10. I managed to make my own sister hate me
11. I'm a demigod
12. I can't just be fucking happy for once
13. I over think every fucking thing
14. I need my fucking mouth washed out with soap
15. The Catholic Church
I could say more but I don't think I have time for that, I'm gonna go and think about how I can kill myself while locked up in this place
Fuck is my only thought right now, kill me (PLEASE)
Bianca, mi dispiace, mi dispiace di essere quella di cui hai sempre dovuto prenderti cura, quella che hai praticamente cresciuto solo per riaverla. Vorrei essere morto al posto di te, ogni singolo giorno lo vorrei, vorrei poter essere buono come un fratello maggiore che eri per me per Hazel. Vorrei non essere una fottuta delusione, vorrei che tu non dovessi unirti alla Caccia per allontanarti da me. Spero che ti sia piaciuto essere rinato. Mi dispiace tanto per tutto.
Putain, je n'ai pas écrit en français depuis un certain temps, alors voyons si je me souviens encore comment le faire, si mon orthographe est décente, c'est seulement parce que j'ai passé environ une heure à écrire ces conneries, donc vous devriez toujours être déçu. Qu'est-ce que j'écris ? Aucune putain d'idée, mais j'ai déjà lu Heartstopper trois fois aujourd'hui et je pense que c'est trop gay, même pour moi, de le lire plus que cela en moins de cinq heures. Kayla est venue avec de la nourriture plus tôt, aucune idée de l'endroit où se trouve Will et je n'ai toujours pas mangé de merde parce que c'est à quel point je suis inutile.
I really wish I had a smoke right now, but I know I can't, I feel so fucking stressed for too many fucking reasons and my heads been pounding for hours, Kayla gave me a panadol a few hours ago but that did fucking nothing so yeah struggling to not hit my head repeatedly on a wall out of pain. I don't know why but I can't stop thinking about those nights when I was what, twelve? Probably because of the nightmares, I'm fucking useless aren't I? I couldn't even stop it from happening to Hazel, I'm fucking pathetic. Gods I can't wait to get out of this place, I love Will but I don't know how much longer I can take of this place. The bright lights shining into your eyes so much it gives you a headache, the scent of rubbing alcohol filling the room, the plain white walls that feel trapping, everything feels wrong. I know why I'm here, no one trust's me alone, the part they forgot to mention is that I'd be better off dead. I already know Leo, Piper and Jason talked shit about me on the Argo II, I know they all wanted to leave me in that jar, I know that to Percy and Annabeth I'm nothing more than a burden, I fucking hate myself and so do they so why can't they just let me fucking die?
Nico layed still, staring at the roof, completely awake. He knew what would happen if he slept, he couldn't go through that again not right now. His head pounded with the pain; bearly breathing he tried to shut his eyes but his only thoughts were the nightmares which were his life. He couldn't do it anymore, he needed something, anything to take the pain away. Unless he actually we through with his plan, Will would kill him, but if it worked it would never get to that stage. He let the darkness consume him like it had endless times before that, opening his eyes in finding himself back in his cabin. His head was spinning, vision blurred and he could hardly keep himself upright but he would be okay, he'd done this hundreds of times before, he was fine. As the Ghost King looked around he saw everything had been taken away, the drugs, the cigarettes, his knives the bottles everything, that was expected, he just prayed they hadn't found the rest. He stumbled towards the bathroom, pulling out the one hollow tile, he knew he shouldn't be doing this, he knew Will would be disappointed but everything that happened was too much, every haunted thought from the past, he couldn't live like this anymore, he couldn't live anymore, he couldn't live. All he wanted was to be a normal fucking person with a normal fucking life. There was no point living when theirs nothing to live for, the only words he could think were 'I'm sorry' sorry for being such a waste of space, sorry for not being what they needed, sorry for never being good enough. He wanted to take back everything, every word he'd said, everything he'd done but it was too late. Ever pain in his life was haunting him, overwhelming every second of every day of every moment in time. He hadn't realised he was crying, tears were pouring down his face leaving him in a shaking mess in the dark. He wish that Percy and Jason never found him, if they hadn't he wouldn't be here, not stuck in having to act like he cared about his life. They'd all be so disappointed, and he couldn't fucking care less, he didn't care because he couldn't bring himself to. He cracked open the bottle a drunk as much as he possibly could in one gulp. He was still here. He drunk again, finishing an entire bottle of straight vodka in less than a minute, his throat stung but he didn't feel it anymore. He felt himself getting fainter by the second, he'd just drunk more than half a litre of vodka in the span of a few minutes. Before he could process what that meant the world went dark, the last thing he heard was a shattering glass. Nico layed, passed out on the floor but the nightmares still haunted him and he now couldn't run no matter how hard he tried.
"Leo what the fuck do you want at this hour?" Piper muttered, rubbing her eyes as she stepped outside.
"Something bad happened."
"What the fuck did you do this time."
"Not my fault and also I don't exactly know what but just-"
"Leo it's probably trauma, a war ended like a week ago your brain is still adjusting."
"No, Pipes just trust me, I feel like somethings happened or it's about to happen or-"
"In what category bad? Like gods are pissed again or-"
"I DON'T KNOW I JUST FEEL LIKE SOMETHING IS WRONG." Leo shouted while on the verge of tears, he didn't know how to explain it, it wasn't like magical or anything he just felt like... something was happening and he had no fucking clue what. "I'll go talk to Jason." Piper shut the door being too tired to protest and the son of Hephaestus ran towards cabin one, she felt bad but- everything had to be fine. It was fine. Right?
"Look I know it's a bad time, and I'm sor-" Jason opened the door to a very out of breath Leo,
"Hey, Leo it's fine, breathe." That was promptly ignored as he continued talking,
"I think something's happened, I don't know what, I don't know why just something bad is happening."
"Oka-"
"I know I sound crazy but please, please believe me."
"Leo I've had the same feeling."
"Look I underst- wait what?"
"I've had it for an hour-ish, thought I was just paranoid."
"Do you have any idea what's happening."
"You'll think I'm crazy."
"Everything is pretty fucking crazy right now, I'll believe just about anything."
"Think it's Nico."
"Shit, should we go to his cabin?"
"He's meant to be in the infirmary... that's why it doesn't make sense."
"Can we still check his cabin? I think, I'm not sure, maybe it's useless, never mind."
"We should go, it doesn't hurt checking."
"Okay,"
"Just give me a second to try and find my glasses."
"How many times a day do you lose them exactly?" Leo asked, punching him lightly in the shoulder.
"Too fucking many." Jason laughed, walking back inside and switching the lights on.
"No shit." It took a minute but the two started walking towards cabin thirteen, trying to avoid harpies and praying nothing had happened and they were just paranoid. Leo reached for the handle, opening the door, as they both walking inside they flicked the lights on. Jason sighed in relief when he didn't see anything, that was until Leo took a few steps towards the bathroom and noticed a broken bottle on the floor. Panic flooded his face, "FUCK, JASON WHAT THE FUCK DO WE DO?!"
"What happen-" His question was answered when he walked in and saw the son of Hades passed out on the floor with an empty bottle of vodka in his hands. He didn't waste any time, fuck, why the fuck was this happening again, Jason picked up the small boy and started running to the infirmary with Leo running ahead.
"NICO, PASSED OUT."
"What? Nico's been in the infirmary for the last few days, no ones left I would have seen."
"Yeah well who the fuck did me and Jason find passed in his cabin?" That moment he ran into the room carrying the son of Hades, shaking so badly it looked like his legs were about to give out. Still he wasted no time running into the first empty room he saw and laying him down on the bed, the other two ran in after him.
"Where's Solace!?" Jason didn't get an answer to his question as Kay was running around the room doing things that neither of the boys could properly comprehend at that hour.
"He's alive. For now. Not exactly stable, I didn't want to do this but... get Will, he knows what he's doing. Maybe don't call anyone yet, we can't tell them anything they want to hear and we don't know how he'll progress."
"So you're saying he might die?"
"Do you want the truth?" They both nodded in unison, dreading the next few seconds."The chance living is less than 20% from what we know now." They just looked at each other in pure shock, Nico, the one who'd survived the hardest quests so close to death, so helpless.
"I-I'll go get Will.." As Leo sprinted out of the room Jason started to pace, Nico couldn't die, he tried to find a pulse on his freezing hand, it was so weak he wasn't sure it was really there. Silent tears streamed down his face, how the fuck had this happened? They were meant to keep an eye on him, that was why he'd been in here, they were meant to stop this from happening. He wanted to yell and Will, to ruin him for letting this happen, but he knew that wouldn't help. Will cared for Nico just as much as he did, he couldn't blame him, it wasn't his fault; he had to remind himself that to stop him from punching a wall.
"WHERE IS HE?!" Jason heard the pain in Will's voice, the distress, the anger. He ran to Nico's side, pressing his hands on his chest, starting to sing the hymn, begging that it would work. The son of Apollo started glowing yellow, and by the look on Kayla's face it was doing something. The glowing came to a sudden stop as Will fainted falling backwards and thankfully being caught by his younger sibling.
"Shit, what the fuck do we do?!"
"He'll be up in a minute, this happens too fucking much."
"You're saying Solace passes out every time he heals someone?"
"Now yes because he never gives himself time to recover between patients but before he was fine."
"Did that even do anything?"
"He's a bit more stable now, I think..."
"WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED WHY THE FUCK IS WILL PASSED OUT?!" Leo said as he walked in the room,
"You two, try to sleep, we'll tell you if anything happens."
"We can't stay?"
"Won't be much better for you Grace."
"Bu-"
"Jay, let's just go back to your cabin, we'll check back tomorrow. We can't help and it's probably going to be safer." He wasn't convinced but still nodded as he followed Leo out.
"What the fuck Kay, what in the Hades is going on here?" He was agitated, shaking as he saw his boyfriend laying there, unconscious, so close to death.
"Well you sort of passed out."
"Well no shit but like with Nico, what the fuck's going on?"
"No clue, Jason came running in carrying a passed out Nico."
"How the fuck did he get out."
"I don't know, none of the sensors were triggered or anything it's like he just dis-"
"FUCK, SHADOWTRAVEL. Nectar and ambrosia now, as much as you can give him without killing him, this is very fucking bad, I'm going to try the hymn again." His whole body hurt after doing it the first time but it was fine, he could take this, it's just a little more pain, he was used to it.
"Will you can't, you passed out just now."
"I CAN'T HAVE NICO DYING, KEEP HIM ALIVE WHATEVER IT TAKES EVEN IF IT KILLS ME."
"Wi-"
"No fucking time." He sat next to the Ghost King, starting to sing yet nothing would happen, gods knew whether he would live to see another day and William Andrew Solace was no god. Tears streaming down his face, he wanted to scream, he wanted to burn, he wanted to ruin himself but all he could do is watch the small big next to him and only hope that his fate was safe. Dripping nectar in his mouth, counting out the minutes, running hundreds of tests to see what the fuck was happening, whether he would have to lose the one person he loved with all his heart.
He wondered whether it was really worth saying it, Leo was his best friend, he could trust him... right? They were sitting on his bed in the dark, both too worried to sleep. Why not go for it? How badly could this go? The son of Jupiter took a deep breath and hoped that this wouldn't go badly. "Hypothetically, what would you say if I told you I was gay?"
"Hypothetically, I'd ask why you were dating Piper." Jason took of his glasses and rubbed his eyes, no going back.
"Hypothetically, I'm too scared to break up with her, Hera said we were meant to be in love and she's the goddess of family, Aphrodite thinks we're meant to be together and she's the fucking goddess of love."
"So you never loved her?"
"I- I don't know, maybe? My memories were fucked I don't know." His mind twisted, breathing shallowed but he calmed when he felt the warm touch of Leo Valdez on his shoulder.
"What would you do if I kissed you?" Fuck, this was a bad idea. For once he wished he'd thought about what he said, for once he wished he held his tongue because if this ended badly he would lose his best friends, both of them.
"Hypothetically?" Jason secretly had hoped the answer was no and hated himself for it, he was about to ruin everything because of a stupid fucking crush. Leo deserves someone better, not some broken, ex-soilder who was willing to leave someone innocent behind because he was scared. He deserves someone kind, someone that didn't hurt people, someone with fucking emotions. The voice in his head whispered and he couldn't disagree because he knew it was true.
"No." Fuck, fuck, why the fuck had he said that?
"I-I'd I- I don't-" Leo pressed his lips against the boy in front of him, touching the scar that rested on his lip, he kissed back, tongue slipping into the son of Hephaestus' mouth. His touch was cold and strong, running a hand through the small boy's hair, tangling his fingers in it. Leo pulled away,
"Fuck, shit, I'm sorry I shouldn't hav-" He ran for the door, fiddling with the lock but it wouldn't open, he needed to get out. "I'm so sor-" His sentence was cut off by the son of Jupiter pressing his lips to his, hoping that he wouldn't regret this moment, his life would fall apart, he needs to tell Piper, he knows he needs to tell Piper and he dreads every second of that, he dreads to think of the look on her face. What would she say? Nothing good, but what would the words be? Would she hate him? Would she hate Leo? His thoughts were blocked out by the feeling of Leo's hand on his neck, his touch was warm, comforting.
"Stay?" Leo just nodded, not able to speak.
"GET AUSTIN WE NEED MORE PEOPLE!" Will says in broken sobs, he didn't know what he would do if the son of Hades died, he didn't know how he'd keep living, part of him knew he wouldn't. His pulse was getting stronger but Will knew he wouldn't wake up, his motionless body layed in front of him and he couldn't take it. He wanted to cry, he needed to cry but he couldn't, he couldn't because he knew it wouldn't help. As he forced himself to get up Kayla ran through the door,
"HE'S NOT THERE, I HAVEN'T SEEN HIM IN LIKE THREE DAYS NOW!"
"WHAT THE FUCK?! GO REPORT TO CHIRON, SEE IF ANYONE ELSE HAS SEEN HIM I'LL GET NICO STABLE THEN I'LL HELP YOU LOOK."
"O-okay, wait stay here, we can't leave the infirmary unattended." Fuck, this had to be a nightmare, it couldn't be real but sadly it was. He needed to stay calm, to focus, there's time for emotions later. Nico would be okay, Austin will be found in less than an hour and nothing had happened, that's what he told himself. As he stepped back, still scared and worried he let himself be human, if only for a second, he let himself forget the fact that he knew Nico probably wouldn't make it without some serious magic, and forget that he would have to report everything to Chiron. He wasn't sure he would do exactly if he did, normally he'd help, keep them on watch until everything seems okay, and just be there as a therapist. Or he would report another dead body in the infirmary from suicide that no one had noticed, then it was too late. He knew Nico wouldn't want this but he'd from what it seems intentionally tried to drink himself to death and if he wanted to actually keep him there he needed Chirons permission and hey maybe he would do something that helped. It was his fault Nico was here, if he hasn't left Kay in charge, if he hadn't left Nico alone, he should have prevented this. He took out a scalpel, letting the blade run against his wrist a tear falling before dropping it against the table. He needed to there for everyone, he had to be stronger, no matter how much he wanted to kill himself, to feel the pain, he had to keep Nico alive.
--