Chapter Two, Everything Stays (The Same)
Rebecca Sugar- Everything Stays
I opened the door and to my relief, I was only greeted with silence.
"Dad?" I called out just to be sure, "Are you home?" I asked, removing my soaking socks and shoes.
I wonder through the house when I find myself in the kitchen, I stop holding my breath when I see a sticky note on the fridge.
"Dear Sora, I'm working a long shift and I won't be able to stop by the time you stop by the time you get home. Tomorrow morning I want to head out to breakfast and talk. Until then, there are leftovers in the fridge.
Love, Dad"
That works for me.
After eating, moving my belongings into my room, and doing everything in my power to avoid getting sick, I finally get to unpack everything. When I flip the lights, something indescribable hits me like a train. My room was untouched for what felt like eons. Soft blue colored walls, my trophies lined on the shelves Dad built. Stringed fairy lights and photos of Riku and me throughout our years. Even the plants that I gave Dad specific instructions to take care of were healthy.
Riku. I wonder if he's alright?
Memories of RIku and I cloud my mind as I unpack everything, happy thoughts mostly. When I take the last of my clothes, I find a Papou fruit keychain lying at the bottom of the suitcase. The same keychain that Riku gave me sophomore year. The keychain somehow feels heavy in the palm of my hand and the colors blur together in a haze.
This is so stupid! Quit being a child and just tell him-
Tell him what? Sorry, I ghosted you after I blew up at you. Sorry, I ruined our friendship and didn't even bother to ask you what you wanted. Sorry, I am such a terrible person and your life would've been better if you were never plagued with me.
I feel the bed shift as I crawl into it. Holding the keychain in the palms of my hand, I finally give in and cry.
Song- Omori Title 001
Knock. Knock. Knock.
Rhythmic tapping on my bedroom door stirs me but, I can't find it in me to move.
"Sunshine," Dad's voice is warm as hot tea, "may I come in?"
"Yeah," I groan, thinking of an excuse as to why I sound so terrible.
The door groans and I hear heavy footsteps on the wooden floor. I feel Dad take a seat on my bed as I sink towards him.
"Still up for breakfast, Sora," he asks me, ruffling my hair that pops out from under my blanket.
"I am," I force myself to get up and face my Dad.
And when he smiles, my heart melts. Dad's black hair is messy and not in an artistic way, he's still in his pajamas, and his eyes are bright like the morning light pouring into my room. Dust bunnies filter in the light and my room feels like being in a separate world.
"Well kiddo," Dad stops messing with my hair, not taking his eyes off of me, "you gotta get ready. We leave in thirty minutes, okay?"
I stretch, feeling my muscles move and my some of my bones give a satisfying crack, "You got it."
In his eyes, I see Dad trying to decide something. He's still and there's something off about his smile. Sadness doesn't seem like the right word but, it's not absent either.
"I missed you, Sora," with movements as slow as molasses, with a longing that stains his voice like watercolor paint, he engulfs me in his arms.
As we sit in silence, I think about everything I want to tell him.
Dad, I'm so sorry I didn't call you enough. I was so scared to tell you the truth. I'm not the daughter that you wanted- that either of you wanted- and I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so so sorry. I'm-
And me, being me, I slip up and the tears come. And Dad, being Dad, hugs me a little tighter. Dad pats my back and I hear him sniffle.
He hasn't cried, at least not in front of me, since she left us.
In my mind's eye, I can see her favorite dress, the smell of chamomile in the early hours of the morning, the taste of her favorite cake she'd sneak in the house for the two of us, I can feel her soft hands, her calloused fingertips and the sound of her laugh that once used to make me smile fills me with something else entirely-
Something scalding hot settles in my stomach and as I feel my anger boil in me, something even deeper than sorrow rears its ugly head. By the time I make sense of myself, Dad is clasping my shoulders firm enough to notice but not weighing me down, I swallow everything I feel and it tastes even worse going down than coming up and out.
Dad doesn't deserve that, I remind myself as I look into his eyes, after everything we went through he stayed strong for me. I can do that too. At least for his sake.
Dad sighs and when he does, he looks a little lighter than before. The bags under his eyes don't seem so intense. And his smile doesn't seem as strained but, I know better. It's the way his eyebrows slightly pinch lets me know that he's still a little worried.
"Alright Old Man," I tease, putting on a cheesy grin, "I have to get ready. I'll meet you downstairs, okay?"
Letting out an indignant snort, he chuckles a little, "Alright Sunshine," and like drizzle he filters out of the room but, his effect lingers.
Today is going to be a good day, Sora.
Song- Twilight Town
By the time Dad and I walk outside, the inhabitants of Twilight Town are moving in a drowsy haze. The morning summer heat leaves me in a thin layer of sweat and although I'm wearing a summer dress, I can feel some parts clinging to my skin. As an almost annoyingly bright sun pierces the blue sky, Dad and I lose ourselves in small talk. It's not the kind of small talk that's just aloof conversation. I find comfort in the way we reacquaint ourselves with each other, even though not much has changed. Same goofy Dad jokes, crooked grin, and twinkling eyes.
"I'm surprised you grew your hair out," Dad addresses me as we enter our favorite local cafe, Dawnbreaker.
The sound of clattering plates and chatter doesn't distract me. Waiters and waitresses weave in and out throughout the building like seamless stitches working so coherently together. The smell of coffee and maple syrup makes my mouth water and I can almost taste it.
Taking a booth, the leather crinkles as we sit, "Well, I thought I needed a change, y'know?" I speak airily, running my fingers through the ends of my hair that sits.
Does that mean he doesn't like it?
Almost as if reading my mind, Dad quickly adds, "It's beautiful, Sunshine. You look more and more like your Mother."
That's worse than you just not liking it.
It feels like ice water being poured down my back. As if a curse had been spoken an uncomfortable silence falls between us. Dad opens his mouth, then deciding against what he is going to say closes it. When a waitress asks us what we want to drink, we quickly put our orders in.
Say something, Sora! It's not that hard, just open your mouth and say anything!
"Thanks, Dad," I placate myself and plaster on a smile, "that means a lot to me," I say this as he brings his coffee to his lips and he exhales with a small smile.
I inhale my vanilla iced coffee, enjoying the sugary caffeine Dad says, "So, how was college?"
I choke, the liquid going down the wrong pipe and as I cough Dad raises his eyebrows.
"College, um," I fumble, thinking of what words I would use that wouldn't turn me into a liar, "it was quite the experience," I keep my voice even and try to maintain eye contact.
Dad always said I don't look him in the eye when I lie.
Dad narrows his eyes, but sets his face like stone, "What does that mean?"
Before I can think of an adequate response, a pair of blue eyes and long red hair walk into view.
"Morning Mr. Fair," Axel greets Dad smoothly.
Looking over to me, Axel's eyes have a mischievous glint in eyes, "Morning, Troublemaker."
"Morning," we greet Axel in unison, although I thank God for his presence.
"Alright Sora," he whips out a small notepad and pen, "what can I get for you?"
I make my order simple: french toast, bacon, and eggs.
"Alright, I'll go put your order in,"
"Wait," Axel stops in his tracks, "what about-"
"I order the same thing every time I come here, Sunny," Dad teases, taking another sip, "Axel knows me like the back of his hand."
"Oh," I say stupidly, feeling heat creep onto my face, "never mind, then," I say a little too loudly.
An all-too-catchy jingle interrupts the awkwardness I feel
"Sora," Dad says my name softly and I tune everything else out.
Speaking when he knows he has my attention, "I know college was hard for you," he begins and my heart tenses a little, "but I need you to know that I'm so proud of you. You worked so hard and," cutting himself off, he furrows his brows and shakes his head, "I need you to know that I'm here for you. Okay?"
"I'm so proud of you." At least one of us can say that.
"Where'd your old man go, Sora," Axel asks me as he puts our food on the table.
"He went to take a call from work," I reason as I watch Axel refill Dad's half-full coffee cup and place extra creamer in the little bowl.
"I see," Axel's nose crinkles whether he's disgusted with something I'm not entirely sure, "Your dad loves you, know?"
I raise my eyebrows and Axel snorts in a way that would put a pig to shame.
"I know that wasn't the best transition, was it," Axel asks unironically, "but seriously. He called you here every time he was here."
That checks out.
I remember whenever he called, which was always at the crack of dawn there would be chatter and clinking tableware. In the chaos of deadlines, tests and the sinking feeling that was anxiety Dad was the tiny light that I clung to.
I didn't have a response for that and I must've been quiet for a little too long, "I didn't say that to make you feel bad or anything," Axel raises his hands, arms stretched out as if he were trying to soothe me but not knowing exactly how to, "I didn't"
"No, you're fine," I cut the redhead off, not needing an apology for something that wasn't his fault, "I," I start and stop again, chewing carefully on my words as Axel studies me carefully, "I'm just adjusting."
A beat of silence passes and Axel exhales, his shoulders lowering, "Well, since you're adjusting," he says the word carefully as if he's handling glass shards that will cut him and bleed him dry, "maybe I can smooth the transition for you?"
I lean a little closer, feeling the cold glass slip between my hands, "Go on."
"I was wondering if you wanted to go to a party later on this week. It's not big or anything," Axel tacks that on, "and it's nothing wild. We can talk a little if you want," he trails off, fiddling with the pen in his hand.
A party. Normally, Riku would be the one to drag me out of the house but, it's not like he's here with me now. I have been on my own for a while and I should put myself out there. What's the worst that can happen? What's worse than worrying myself to death at home, being reminded of things that I don't want to think about and most likely crying myself to sleep?
"I think I'd like that, Axel," and as I show my interest, Axel stops fidgeting and there's a brilliance in his eyes that reminds me of the sun showing itself after a storm.
And in that moment, everything didn't seem so bad.