A/n: I'm writing this quite quickly now I've gotten into the swing of it so I'm actually a few chapters ahead of you guys. If you would leave me a review to let me know if you're enjoying it , it would definitely help me update faster. This is another long one. Oh and this chapter is a hard M rating, I got a little carried away writing the smut. Enjoy ;) Sorry about the delay my computer had to be completely reset but luckily id backed this up so it wasn't lost.

Chapter 10:

A week had passed and Beth Anne Rollins had left the previous day, to Amanda's great relief she hadn't had a violent mood swing during the visit and now she felt like she could finally relax again.

Olivia had been to her last check up and everything was still moving as it should be in regards to the baby but she was nervous for the amnio that was due to be performed next week. Amanda and her hadn't had any opportunity for alone time whilst her mother had been visiting and Olivia had missed her. She had missed her more than she had any right to do so. She wanted that right more than anything. Her apartment suddenly felt emptier than it had before and she felt the silence of every minute within the walls where as before Amanda she had found the quiet soothing after working the job she did. Now she longed to hear the lilting tones of a Georgia accent speaking to her, or laughing at a joke or the TV. Just like that Olivia's brain clicked the pieces together. She needed the blonde detective to be with her always. She was finally ready to commit to her and a relationship.

They were sat on opposite sides of the squad room and the day was drawing to a close. Olivia called out to her "Rollins can you come here for a second?" She had formulated a small plan of action and was going to put it into play now before she lost her nerve.

"Uh sure Liv, what's up?" Amanda was in front of her desk now looking at her with expectation.

"Will you go to dinner with me tonight?" She said nothing more but watched the pale eyebrows shoot up in response.

"Yeah okay, any chance you wanna tell me what this is about?" Amanda tried to get the information out of the older woman but she said nothing more.

Olivia hadn't had any time to prepare for anything fancy so that evening the pair were sat at opposite sides of a booth in a small bistro eating pasta and making small talk. Olivia decided it was now or never as she wiped her sweaty palms on her jeans she looked into the blue eyes she had come to adore and said the two words she know Amanda had waited so patiently to hear; "I'm ready" Olivia waited with baited breath as she studied the other woman's face.

"Ready...for wha...Oh!" Amanda finally grasped the words Olivia was trying to say "You're ready for what exactly?" She needed Olivia to elaborate to be sure she was hearing correctly.

"I'm ready for us Amanda. I've missed you so much the last week, more than I'd any right to but I want that right. I've never really needed anyone the way I need you. I want us to be girlfriends or whatever you want to call it." Olivia found her words and then took the small pale hand into her own and kissed her finger tips. This was more PDA than Olivia was used to displaying but she knew she needed to make herself clear. Amanda met her eyes and then let a smile grace her face.

"That's all I ever needed to hear." Amanda squeezed her hand "Let's have dessert at your place, I'm suddenly not so hungry any more" She gestured the waiter over and asked for the check. They walked the short distance to Olivia's apartment quietly, holding hands and stealing glances at each other. Amanda couldn't ever remember feeling so happy.

As soon as Olivia's door was closed behind them she was stunned by the feeling of her girlfriends lips on hers. Olivia was single minded in her pursuit of the younger woman. Now she had admitted her feelings to herself and Amanda she saw no reason why she couldn't finally have her. Her hormones were flying and she had never felt herself so desperate for another's touch in her entire life.

Amanda was having similar feelings but she also knew she needed to hit the breaks before she forgot about the confessions she needed to make to her new girlfriend. She smiled into the next kiss as she thought that word. Olivia was her girlfriend. Finally! She felt Olivia's fingers fumble with her shirt buttons and then remembered she had to pull back. She reluctantly stepped out of her partners embrace and sighed.

"We need to talk first" Olivia stepped forward again but Amanda placed a hand on her shoulder "I have some stuff to say before we jump into bed" She stated taking Olivia's hand in hers and looking into brown eyes that were clouded with desire.

"We can talk after" Olivia countered trying to take her into her arms again. Amanda wriggled free "Unfortunately this needs to be said before" Amanda giggled as she felt kisses being left on her neck "Come on we've all the time in the world for that after, I really need to talk to you first" she became serious quickly.

Olivia shook her head to try and clear the lustful fog that had invaded her mind and then wrapped an arm around the blondes shoulder and led her to the couch and they both sank into the cushions "Okay then shoot" Olivia took hold of her hand and snuggled her lover.

"I need to tell you about what happened to me in Atlanta" Amanda began "Because it will undoubtedly affect our relationship in some aspects and you deserve to know the truth" She paused not sure where to begin.

"This is why you haven't been with anybody in so long?" Olivia looked down and sighed and placed a kiss on her head reassuringly having a sinking feeling this was going somewhere bad.

"Yeah...I...someone I worked with...he..." Amanda suddenly couldn't find the words she needed to say. Olivia wrapped her arms tighter around her. She whispered soothing words into her hair and Amanda tried again "My little sister got into some trouble with the cops and my Boss...well actually he was my boss's boss. He told me he could make the charges disappear if I ...if I slept with him and I thought it wouldn't be such a big deal. I mean I've slept with men before and I didn't hate it ya know? Anyway it wasn't what I was expecting..." Her voice got smaller and shook as she said the words out loud for the first time.

"Honey, I'm so sorry" Olivia cuddled her close and her heart was hurting for the other woman.

"It was consensual at first but he got rough with me and when I asked him to slow things down. He took hold of my throat and he banged my head against the headboard...I told him to stop...He said...He said That I should know that he doesn't take no for an answer and then he...then he..." Her voices became choked as she sobbed into Olivia's chest.

"He raped you?" Olivia said the words Amanda couldn't and she felt Amanda nod against her chest and just held her as she sobbed into her shirt.

"Yeah" Amanda answered silently "But there's more I need to tell you. After that happened I got into a bad way and I started gambling. On anything I could find. Illegal clubs, sports games in bars, the dog track...anything. It kind of had a hold on me for a while and I couldn't control it" Amanda admitted. "When I got the news my transfer had gone through I got help, I didn't want to come here and have my fresh start ruined by old habits so I joined a 12 step program and I'll be six months clean tomorrow. I have to go to a meeting to get my sobriety chip" Amanda chanced a look at Olivia's face and was relieved to only find compassion in the others eyes. "It would mean a lot to me if my girlfriend was there to see me get my chip" She let the suggestion hang in the air of the room that was filled with emotion.

"I'm so proud of you! Of course I'll be there if you want me" Olivia kissed the tip of her nose "You've gone through so much alone and you never have to do that again honey. From now on were a team. You and I, Amanda Rollins" Olivia leaned down to kiss her gently on the lips and Amanda felt her world spin on it's axis for a moment. She had done it, she had told her and Olivia hadn't run or been disgusted. She still wanted her and Amanda sighed with relief into the kiss. Amanda added "And baby Benson , Were gonna be a team all 3 of us" Amanda responded to Olivia's next kiss hungrily. The pulled apart breathlessly.

"So I think we need to have a small discussion of what you are comfortable with us doing together honey cause I don't wanna trigger you." Olivia suggested "The last thing I wanna do is make things harder for you so we can wait as long as you need" She kissed the blonde hair again and squeezed her arms tightly for a second before relaxing them around the small frame again.

"Um...well just promise me you wont hold me down...and check in before any penetration takes place I guess that's it" Amanda thought hard "I want you so much" Amanda kissed Olivia's throat and then a thought occurred to her "Is there anything you're not comfortable with? Anything I need to know?" She enquired gently.

"The only thing I'm not okay with you don't need to worry about as you're not built that way baby" Olivia tried to make light of it but then met the worried eyes of her new lover and added in a soft voice "I'm not okay with oral penetration, something happened to me when I was UC in a prison a few years back and I haven't been able to do that particular act since then which hasn't always been received well by past lovers." Olivia mumbled as she hid her face in Amanda's shoulder breathing her in and finding comfort, Amanda smelled like vanilla with just a hunt of cinnamon. A bit like cookies fresh from the oven and there was something else that Olivia couldn't put her finger on that must be uniquely Amanda.

"We're quite a pair you and I aren't we?" Amanda stroked her hair gently and lifted her face "Now we've had that discussion how about we just take our time with the rest and see where things go? Probably best we just let things develop naturally rather than plan too hard" Amanda suggested to the brunette. Olivia nodded and kissed her gently on the lips.

They had talked into the early hours before eventually retiring to Olivia's bedroom. Content to just hold each other nothing more had happened between them. Amanda awoke first and stirred sleepily in the older woman's arms. They were both partially dressed, too exhausted to undress the night before, they were both still wearing their tops. Amanda in a grey fitted tank and Olivia in a short sleeved stretchy t-shirt that clung to her lower abdomen but both their legs were bare. Amanda turned in Olivia's embrace so she could look at her new girlfriend more easily. Olivia had taken the position of big spoon last night , cradling the blonde tight against her chest with arms around her waist from behind. Olivia hadn't woken yet so Amanda decided she would press her lips softly to the column of her throat to which she received a sleepy grumble from her bed mate . Amanda ran her hand over Olivia's hips and settled over the swelling bulge of her belly that was growing between them. Olivia was still wearing a stretchy t-shirt, the fabric of it pulled tight against the new life growing within but now they were lovers Amanda found the urge to lift the shirt a little so she could feel bare skin with her fingers.

Olivia stirred and opened her eyes a crack "What're you up to Rollins?" She mumbled groggily.

"Just feeling, getting to know my girlfriend and her baby" Amanda answered innocently "What does it feel like?" She was curious of how it felt to be growing a whole new person within you.

"It feels like now I'm awake I have to pee again" Olivia got up grumpily and made her way on wobbly legs to the bathroom whilst Amanda who had propped herself up on one elbow to enjoy the view of her swaying hips and bare legs as she moved across the room. She couldn't get over how much had changed in less than 24 hours. Not only was she allowed to look but now she could touch and kiss the object of her desires. Her thoughts were interrupted by Olivia re-entering the room. She eyed the blonde in her bed a little softer than she had five minutes ago.

"Sorry I'm not a morning person at the best of times but this baby makes it even harder to be perky in the morning than before" Olivia climbed into bed and pulled her girlfriend against her again.

"I guess it's exhausting making a whole new human from scratch" Amanda snuggled into her arms and sighed peacefully.

"Yeah, it can be. It's supposed to get easier from now on though according to the doctor the 2nd trimester is usually the easiest of the three," Olivia kissed her head softly "what times your meeting?" Olivia asked wondering how long they could stay in their blissful cocoon.

"not til seven hun" came Amanda's reply who had leaned up to kiss the lips of the woman she loved.

"So we have some time..." Olivia trailed off and let a finger trail down Rollin's neck and play with the neckline of her tank top becoming a little fascinated with what lay beneath the soft material.

"Mm hmm" Amanda kissed her more passionately and delighted with the lustful groan she elicited from Olivia.

Olivia mindful of Rollins disclosure the night before laid back and pulled the blonde on top of her to straddle her hips. They continued to kiss, heads tilting left and right to fully explore one another's mouths.

Olivia's hands were gripping her hips gently and Amanda couldn't help the instinctual rock of her hips as they continued to taste one another. Olivia moaned when she felt Amanda grind against her and pushed up against her in response.

"Manda...this is getting me so hot" She whimpered against the pink lips against her and thrust up again when she felt Amanda's hips grind down against hers once again.

"Me too" Amanda panted and leaned her forehead against Olivia's for a second so she could ask ; "You wanna stop or slow down?" She panted as she stared into Olivia's brown eyes that had darkened with her desire.

"God no" She answered a little quickly and then blushed "This feels so good" She pulled the blonde tight against her "Unless you want to stop?" She asked gently.

"Nope , I'm good" She captured Olivia's lips again and continued her grinding on her lovers lap mindful of the bump between them as she dry humped her girlfriend into the mattress. Their bare legs were touching and Olivia could feel the heat and moisture from her girlfriend's centre against her own and she could feel herself unravelling rather quickly. "Mand...I'm gonna … if you don't slow down ...I'm gonna.." Olivia groaned aloud when it hit her full force, starting between her legs and spreading outwards; she orgasmed against Amanda. Her hips arched upwards and pressed tight against Amanda's sex for a few glorious seconds before relaxing and going limp underneath her. Olivia gasped for breath and opened her eyes to look at a rather smug Amanda Rollins still seated in her lap.

"Have fun?" Amanda quirked an eyebrow upwards in amusement. Olivia blushed.

"Um...yeah. I'm a little embarrassed that's never happened so fast before" She turned her head and buried it in the pillow to hide her red tinted cheeks.

"Don't hide honey, I must say that I'm flattered that lil old me can have such an effect on a city girl like you" Amanda smiled and slid off her lap to pull Olivia against her chest, taking this first opportunity to be the big spoon and loving every second.

"But you didn't just come in your pants like a fourteen year old boy" Olivia was still mortified.

"No but I was close" Amanda admitted "Still am if I'm honest" She hugged Olivia against her chest and trailed her hand over the bump before letting in rest there.

"Oh...you didn't...?" it dawned on Olivia that her partner was probably feeling a little uncomfortable from her unmet desires but she had put comforting Olivia's embarrassment above her own satisfaction. "You want me to...?" Olivia asked as she turned to face her lover.

"You don't need to do anything you're not ready for honey." Amanda said "Honestly it won't take much and I can take care of it in the shower if that's easier on you" She reassured her girlfriend and kissed the top of her head "I'm happy to be able to just have you in my arms now baby" She inhaled Olivia's scent willing her raging libido to quiet down so she could enjoy the moment.

"Or you could...Never mind" Olivia replied another wave of crimson covering her cheeks.

"What? You can ask me anything hun. Don't be shy. Please?" Amanda was curious about what Olivia was about to ask.

"Um you could...take care of it here? Let me see you...hear you. I mean you got to see me come. I wanna see you too" Olivia admitted shyly explaining what she wanted.

Amanda pondered the suggestion for a few moments. She did need release and she needed it soon and she had to admit Olivia's idea was hot but was it too soon or too much?

"Okay" Amanda found herself saying "You be the big spoon though and hold me whilst I do it okay?" Amanda didn't think she could take looking into her eyes whilst she did it.

Olivia had been about to retract the offer when she heard Amanda agree so she rapidly turned over and took the blonde against her chest eagerly whispering sweet nothings into her ear "You're so sexy Manda..." She trailed off as she nipped at her earlobe gently.

"Am I?" Amanda was the shy one now as she let herself enjoy the feeling of the other woman's touch and her scent take over.

"Mm hmm " Olivia ran her hands up over her rib cage and one hand hovered over the Amanda's right breast "Can I?" She asked her partner softly.

"Yeah..please" Amanda was still nervous but as soon as she felt Olivia's hand through her tank top against her breast the fire between her thighs became burning hot and she shuddered "Just like that baby, you're doing great" Amanda coached and let her own hand settle between her legs and reaching underneath the waistband of her panties she cupped herself and let out a shuddering moan that let Olivia know that Amanda had started to do as she had asked. Olivia thought this had to the height of eroticism; having a half naked Amanda Rollins between her legs touching herself as she stroked and cupped her tits. She could feel herself heating up again as she felt the blonde writhe against her front. Listening to Amanda's soft grunts and gasps of pleasure was everything she dreamed of.

Amanda was lost in her pleasure, rubbing herself with purpose now and as predicted she felt the pressure coiling tight in her belly quickly. knowing she was only seconds away she moaned to the woman holding her "Liv..Liv...I'm...Oh I'm coming...Yes!" She gushed against her own palm as Olivia watched in amazement as Amanda tensed against her and twitched in her arms. When she felt Amanda's body go slack she kissed her sweaty temple lovingly.

"That was incredible sweetheart. Thank you for trusting me enough to see that" Olivia snuggled against her back warmly.

"Pleasure was all mine Ma'am" Amanda drawled and then giggled in her post orgasmic bliss. The pair drifted off to sleep for a few hours and when Amanda woke she was alone and then she heard music coming from the open bedroom door and she got up and tiptoed out to peek at what Olivia was up to. She almost burst out laughing at the sight that greeted her,

Olivia who was still only wearing her panties and t-shirt was fussing with something on the stove but she was also dancing, swinging her hips in time with the music coming from the radio on the counter.

She spun around when she felt eyes on her and almost dropped the spatula in shock when she saw Amanda's eyes on her full of mischief.

"Nice moves detective...but if you didn't want to be caught maybe you should've kept the music down?" Amanda laughed "What're you trying to do anyway?" She gestured to the stove when she stopped cracking up long enough,

"Pancakes...I was going to surprise someone with breakfast...well brunch in bed but you spoiled it" Olivia playfully scowled back at her.

"If this is my reward for making you come so hard? I'll have to do it everyday" Olivia bit her lip when she heard Amanda's remark and she flushed pink again then decided to reply playfully;

"I'll hold you to that Amanda be careful what you wish for" She smiled smugly when Amanda blushed this time. She put 2 plates of pancakes on the counter and told Rollins to sit.

"So bossy, I love it" Amanda was enjoying the playful banter that was now appropriate.

"Yet you have such a problem following my orders at work" She grinned and then placed a bowl of chopped fruit and the syrup between the plates before she sat on the stool next to her girlfriend.

"were both the same rank you can't boss me around at work" Amanda complained around a mouthful of pancake.

"Actually detective, I'm a detective 2nd grade and I have almost a decades experience over you so technically that makes you my subordinate but in this apartment we're equals so..." She kissed the tip of Amanda's nose and then added a pat of butter on top of her own pancakes.

They both ate ravenously enjoying the brushes of finger tips against one another when they both reached for the syrup at the same time.

After they had finished and Amanda offered to clean up they ended up doing it together, Liv playfully grabbing a handful of bubbles out of the sink and blowing them into Amanda's face they had ended up making out heavily again with Liv pressing Amanda into the counter gently ever mindful of the younger woman's trauma. When they had pulled apart breathing heavily Olivia cracked a small smile at Amanda and whispered "We gotta stop or we wont make it to your meeting and I really wanna clap and cheer for my super strong girlfriend tonight" She rested her hands on the shorter woman's shoulders.

"You think I'm strong?" Amanda said with disbelief.

"You don't?" Olivia countered "You've been through so much and here you are still fighting and still able to trust in love and yourself. That's strong" Olivia kissed her again , softer this time but trying to convey all of her feelings for the blonde in that one kiss.

Hours later, showered and dressed Olivia sat in a church hall with a look of pride on her face when Amanda got up to do her share.

"My names Amanda and I'm a gambling addict." She started in the traditional way "I haven't made it to a meeting for a few weeks but that's cause I've been really busy and as most of you guys know that's not a bad thing when it comes to gambling; time really isn't any of ours friend. I have a high stress job and I'm in a new and wonderful relationship so I'm never alone and that's a wonderful feeling. When my mother visited recently my biggest worry was that I would become triggered and end up in a back room somewhere betting my life away but that didn't happen. To my surprise my mother actually seemed to care during this visit and she didn't get drunk or verbally abuse me. She comforted me and made made me make sense of the feelings I was having for a certain someone who is here tonight with me, for the first time I can say that I'm not afraid of the future or gambling because as long as I have her I can face anything. So tonight I am celebrating not only 6 months free of gambling, I'm celebrating the first day of the rest of my life. The first day of the rest of our lives. If I can make it to six months of sobriety then I know those of you still struggling day by day can do it too. Even if today is the first day for you, you can do it. When we're in active addiction we think about gambling every minute of every day so if you've made it only one day that's 1440 minutes you have told yourself no and that's not to be made light of. So just keep telling yourself you can do this and trusting in your higher power that you are strong. That's all from me and thanks for listening to my ramble and for this" She held up her chip and smiled when Liv true to her word clapped and cheered for her, she was the loudest in the room and it made Amanda's heart swell when she saw how proud of her she was.