Groggy, exhausted, and anxious yet again. The plan was set, but my head wouldn't stop pounding with questions. It never stopped. When I woke up, Junko was gone; even though the room still smelled like her raspberry perfume. When did I fall asleep? When did she leave? I couldn't remember much between the screaming thoughts ringing with more intensity as the night went on and the tiny bits of sleep I managed. All that overthinking led to nothing. No new leads or solutions on the details of her oh so glorious plan. Ugh. Give me a break.
Now that I was awake, I took a chance to look at them - my shoulders. I didn't know why I went out of my way to do this whenever these things happened. Maybe to prove something to myself. I knew marks would show up. With the way she was grabbing me, it'd be surprising if I didn't bleed. Of course, purple bruises perfectly marked where her claws were in her meltdown. They weren't as bad as I thought they'd be, the blood was trapped in the skin instead of a scab. That didn't make it any better. God, I couldn't do this anymore. When a guy hits his girlfriend, she's told to get out and find somewhere safe. Why would it be any different with the roles reversed? I needed to get stronger. I needed to stop letting her get to me. Ugh, I told myself that everytime, who was I kidding? I always had this dumbass fight with myself.
In the anxiety of overthinking instead of sleeping, I actually came up with something. I should've realized it sooner. This would be the ultimate test to see if she really did love me or if it was all a dumb game. For years now, I've been teetering between the options. She would throw fits, play with my emotions, purposely embarrass me, and physically hurt me when things got 'bad enough'. Junko was, and probably always will be, a terrible person. I knew that. Anyone who knew her well enough and had a functioning brain could figure that one out. Then in the same breath, she would say the sweetest things and understand me better than anyone else. She'd always comfort me after the damage had been done. It was incredibly exhausting. Everything about her was a twisted game with no winning. I should hate her after everything she did to me after so long, but I couldn't. I knew her problem was the only reason she did any of that. A constant dilemma of being either extremely bored or extremely violent. I understood as much as an outsider could. Maybe that's why I couldn't force myself to leave her. I understood her too much, or was it just the fear of being completely and utterly alone?
Without her, I have nobody. All of the 'friends' I had were connected to her. She was the only one there for me. No mom, no dad, no siblings, and no real friends. The only one I had was in hiding now. Everything was connected to her. With this absolutely insane plan, I had to take some positives with it or I'd lose my mind. This would be the best way to tell if she really meant it when she said she would 'always remember' me and all that gross affectionate shit she'd make me think about repeatedly. How could she possibly know that? If after all this, she doesn't remember me or 'how I make her feel', then I could leave. Prove to myself I didn't need anyone. She abandoned me half the time anyway, I should be used to being alone. Yeah, when she became this new girl who had no clue who I was, I'd explain the details of who she is then watch her from afar as ONLY a doctor - no romance required. No point in letting her get close again. Who knew when she'd snap back to her evil ways. She might start a new life with new friends and I could finally move on. I wouldn't have to find breadcrumbs of genuine affection or something real in this world full of her.
Last night before we at least attempted to sleep, she told me she'd spend all morning getting ready before meeting me in the science building. If anyone asked, I was to say I haven't seen Junko today or last night. That I planned to interrogate her yesterday, then couldn't find her. Surprisingly enough, no one asked. The Steering Committee typically didn't bother me on Saturdays. Even after the world ended, they tried to maintain a schedule. Everyone did. Denial, I guess. I wasn't any better. I tried to go along with a schedule too, although it was only to pretend I wasn't going absolutely crazy in here. Oh, it was absolutely wonderful to drag myself out of bed early to sit in the science building and overthink everything all over again. Ugh, I had to shut these stupid thoughts up. They already stopped me from sleeping much, I couldn't have it ruin my manga time. Yeah, maybe that would calm the nerves. What was I even worked up for? This could be my chance to break the cycle, I just needed to shut up and wait. Opening the final bit of a volume I already read before, I chose to overanalyze the story and art since my scrambled brain wanted to work in overdrive so desperately.
Not long after I let myself get distracted, the door opened with no warning. Oh great, wonder who that could be. Right when I finally relaxed, too. "Hello, hello, hello!~" The familiar voice sang while shutting us in. "Can't you knock, you compl-" I faced her. I knew she'd look different. Obviously, that was the plan. What I didn't expect was how she'd look exactly. Straight, red hair bright enough to be candy. Soft eyes without a colored plastic layer. Makeup toned down to actually fit her features. Dressed in a typical uniform, she smiled down at me in my chair with a folder in her hand. Was I dreaming? This couldn't be the look she chose. Are you kidding me? I stared, not realizing how long I'd been watching. Every detail was a lot to take in. …How could she be this beautiful?
"Guess I don't have to ask if I look good." Junko giggled in her new attire. I couldn't help myself, I couldn't keep my eyes off of her. "...no, you look… uh, completely hideous." I tried to come up with sarcasm to ease it, and that's what came out. Tch. How ridiculous. So much for getting stronger and leaving her, huh? No, I HAD to stop tricking myself. It didn't matter how pretty she was, I needed to let go. "Mhm, thanks, sweetie." She went over to hug me. The little detail I noticed as she got closer was she wasn't wearing her favorite perfume. Instead, it was a strawberry one I never smelled before. Something to match her hair color, I guess. I hugged her before she had the chance to make contact. Tighter than I realized until she made a little noise. I didn't realize I was doing it until we were already pressed together. This would be over soon. I kept telling myself that. This really was too much. It was like seeing the past jump out at me. A past from days when she used to love me. When we were little kids playing house or talking about how weird our families were. When she seemed happy to show her affections instead of making it some big show with half the soul behind it. When her problem didn't take over our lives and the world as we knew it. A past I could only dream of. "Are you gonna be all over me when I'm actually Miss Otonashi Ryoko? Poor thing won't know how to deal with a cutie like this." Junko teased as she returned the hug. "Shut up and let me enjoy this, freak." I said, starting to sway a bit.
Junko stopped talking, choosing to play with my hair while giving a little hum. She had to be enjoying how this got to me. Why was I swaying like some schoolgirl in love? Why was I letting this affect me at all? Whatever. It didn't matter since she'd be someone else before long. I wish I could turn off these feelings. The disgustingly sweet urge to hold and protect her, despite both physical and emotional bruises, was destroying me. "Hey, don't worry, hon. It's gonna be okay." She pulled back to look me in the eyes. I still expected hers to be artificially blue. She tried to kiss me, and I knew I couldn't handle that. "Wh-what about your voice?" I quickly dodged both the kiss and the topic. She flashed a disappointed face, and I pretended I didn't notice. "I'm sure I'll sound less confident. Inflections go a long way. You should know. I mean, Kamukura sounds different." She explained like it was the most obvious part of this. I suppose it was.
"Yeah, and he also talks like some Edgar Allan Poe reject. Hinata talked like any other teenager." She didn't listen to my point, why would she? "Look, there's a lot of good info you'll wanna read up on when I'm out. Be sure to shred those papers when you're done reading them, okay?" She plopped the folder onto my chair, breaking the embrace. Her tone showed some impatience. About what? I tried not to care. Probably something stupid about wanting to cause more damage. She crossed her arms, staring at said folder. Dumb hello kitty and trashy heart stickers all over it. "Yasuke." My name said point blank with a straight face. Fuck. Now what? "Why didn't you kiss me? Is the makeover too much? I thought you liked me for my natural look." The pouting wouldn't affect me. I couldn't let it. I couldn't let it. I couldn't let it.
"I have to get used to not being around you, moron." It didn't matter how I felt, I couldn't see her much in this new form anyway. We both knew that. Even if she would 'die' from being separated, it wasn't a good idea. "But I'll still wanna see you, I know it." Again, how could she know that? Was it just another line to butter me up? How pathetic. It wasn't going to work this time. "Whatever. Can we get this over with?" I didn't hide my exhaustion. No point. She wouldn't do anything to stop her plan now. She knew better. Confusion mixed with a hurt expression before she said anything. No, I couldn't let that get to me either! "...Mukuro wants to see me off first. C'mon, kiss me before she gets here." Junko tugged at my arm. Staring into me like I was denying her everything. "What for? Why would I want to with someone I won't see again?" Of course I played that card, it was too easy. That got to her. Frustration added to her mix of emotions as she sighed, not taking her eyes off me. "First of all, you'll see me all the time. Second of all, you act like I'm dying or something. I'm not going anywhere, I'll still be me. Come on, it could be a goodbye present if you really think that."
She had a point, but not the one she thought. This would be the last shred of affection she'd ever get from me. The last time I'd ever let her touch me in any romantic sense. I would miss it, I knew that, and that was what made me savor it. Probably too aggressively, I grabbed her and gave her a kiss she would, unfortunately, forget. All the conflicting feelings and years of crazy lead to this. A kiss so passionate, so engulfing that I almost forgot to breathe. One that I wanted to burn into my memory forever. I wasn't really sure why, I guess it was a good final note to remember her by. The real her. Before she becomes a stranger, I needed to feel the nice part of her personality at least one more time. I pulled her tighter and tighter until I couldn't feel my chest anymore. She played into this by following my lead. Sweetly letting me melt into her. The only thing to snap me back into reality was a knock at the door.
"Mukuro!" Junko pushed me away to greet her sister at the opening door. Still lightheaded from the action, I could tell my face wasn't looking so innocent. My heavy breathing wasn't helping anything either. Mukuro didn't seem to notice, much less care. Thank God. My mind and body couldn't keep up with the sudden change. "You look incredibly different." The twins held hands as she eyed the new details. "You already saw my hair, silly." This bastardization of Junko's natural features right in front of us with a sickly smile. She was enjoying her sister's heartbreak. I knew she did. "It's more than that. You're less… flashy." She clearly didn't like this new look. It was too similar to Junko's younger self. Her natural self. As strong as our ultimate soldier was, as empty as she was inside, the feelings behind all this hit her too. The ability to remain tough was slipping with each second. "I know, right!? I could pass for a shy little cutie, huh?" Junko, or 'Ryoko', gave a little twirl. What a sick joke. Mukuro nodded her head politely, tears attempted to break out. It was obvious how hard she was fighting the urge to sob. To mourn the death of Junko before it happened. Something I wouldn't let myself feel. Something I wish I didn't understand. Something probably expected of me.
A big hug. Mukuro squeezed her twin so tightly, it put my hug to shame. The small size of her made it that much more shocking. "I'm g-gonna miss you so much…" She tried to hide the gulp in her shaky voice. I wanted to say something to help, but what was the point? Junko returned the hug, got them to get as close as possible, then whispered a goodbye in her ear. "Now you know how you made me feel back then." Junko spoke with a wicked fire yet again. It didn't take a genius to see how the jab got to her sister. It DID take one to know if she meant it though. The tears rolled down. A depressing image anxiety would burn into my memory against my will. Seeing them hug with her looking like that brought up another relic. The tough mask slipped as soon as the one person she cared about was leaving. A mirror image to how little Junko cried when the other disappeared. "...I know." Mukuro sobbed into Junko's neck. In the 11 years I've known Mukuro off and on, I never saw her cry. I didn't think she'd let herself. Now that she was right in front of me, pouring her heart and soul out, I couldn't feel anything. Only a strong urge to get this over with. It wasn't like I could do or say anything to help her.
After Mukuro calmed down some, she squeezed her sister's hand one last time before finally acknowledging me. "...You two need to get started, right?" She looked down while wiping off her face. I nodded. No sarcasm or jokes would ease her now. They never did. She didn't say anything else. Leaving after a lingering stare and another sniffle. Junko watched the door, long after it shut.
"...ready?" I asked after a minute of silence. A silence I wouldn't let myself over think. "Yeah." She slowly made her way to the bed with a feeling I couldn't pin down. Sadness? Longing? Anxiety? I didn't want to know. "Oooh, am I gonna get a scar like Kamukura?" She asked with her typical preppiness. There we go. I knew anything else wouldn't stay for long. She wouldn't remember Mukuro's suffering anyway. She couldn't enjoy it. "No. For what we're doing, it'll function like a normal EKG scan essentially." I spoke without looking at her. Focusing on the wires, bells, and whistles instead. "Perfect!" She laid down. A hideous smile plastered as she closed her eyes. I was double checking all the options when she grabbed my hand. I forced myself to look down at her. Her new features were still foreign to me. The smile stayed unchanged. "I'll miss you." Ugh, I've seen this somewhere before. Another stupid thing to haunt me at night. "...Whatever." I pulled my arm away. That was it. I had no reason to send her off with any more love than I already wasted on her.