- Chapter 14: Gambles -

There is something I would like to make very clear.

I'd like to make it clear to Haruhi, of course. If I could do that, I wouldn't be trapped in an attic in one of the most embarrassing moments of my life, a life already filled with enough embarrassment to make a reality TV star cover his face in mortification. But anything I said to her by way of explanation was bound to be either ignored or interpreted as some form of "The lady doth protest too much." So I'll just silently vent it for any open-minded individuals out there.

When I said "I can't", it wasn't because I value Haruhi's life more than my own. I mean, if you were to ask me straight-up at a negotiating table if I would sacrifice my life to save Haruhi's, I would straight-up answer, "Sorry, no deal." I would be sad as you can imagine over her death, but my own life comes first. I'm not some hyperbolic romantic cliche.

The reason I said "I can't" was because I remembered what I had done in the past, and I was pretty sure I knew why I'd done it. When I leapt off of the Literary Clubroom to catch Haruhi, when I threw myself in the way of Kuyoh Suoh's attack, and when I put myself between Haruhi and a gunman (or will put myself, I guess), I had no intention of sacrificing my life. I realize that sounds utterly stupid, but the chances of my surviving that fall off of North High's cultural department building weren't zero. The same goes for the other cases. People do survive bullet wounds, you know.

Of course they were stupid gambles. If life was a card player, it was repeatedly raising the pot enough to put me all in with a pair of threes in my hand, and I was repeatedly refusing to fold.

So why, you ask? Because someone else's life was on the table. No matter what the odds, I couldn't just stand there and do nothing, just let someone be killed, when I might have saved them at no cost to myself. I had to act, to take that gamble. That was how it worked for Shiro, a kid I didn't even know, though I later found out Haruhi had been tutoring him. Obviously it would hold true all the more for the people I was close to.

Of course Haruhi was right (in this instance and no other that I can call to mind, thank you) that every time I had tried to protect her my efforts had been utterly useless and (thankfully) pointless, and there was no reason to think that any future attempt would end any differently. But that changed nothing. To stand aside and let Haruhi die was something I knew I could never do. Just thinking about the time I thought she was dead, when that slider Sugiyama zapped us into an alternate dimension, makes me feel sick and get icy chills under my skin.

...Actually, that's probably from sitting in a musty attic in October. Whatever. The point is, I knew it was stupid to do these things to try to save Haruhi, or anyone, but I also knew there was no way I could stop myself from doing it.

And honestly, Haruhi herself was partly to blame. Whenever I was with her, I felt like anything was possible, and I would be okay no matter what reckless thing I did. It wasn't just because of all the crazy situations I was thrown into that I had grown more heedless of my own safety since I met Haruhi.

But telling Haruhi something was her fault would never work. Heck, nothing would work here. I'd just told Haruhi I wasn't going to stop doing something we both knew was stupid. I was in for a tongue-lashing.

I risked a glance in her direction.

Her shoulders were heaving, like a marathon runner preparing for a sprint, or a bull about to charge, though the bull certainly seemed the more apt analogy for that moment. Wait, do either of those things actually heave their shoulders, or is that just something I've seen in cartoons? No, maybe I should be thinking more about how not to get gored.

"All this time," she said, in a voice that was terrifyingly quiet.

Only someone with no regard for his own safety would have said something at this point. "All this time what?"

"All this time I've been letting you know how much I care... but it doesn't even matter to you, does it?"

"What? Of course it matters to me." That was, with very little doubt, the best of the changes Haruhi had gone through since I'd known her: her transformation from someone who cared only about herself to someone who had a heartfelt concern for her friends and her subordinates in the SOS Brigade. "What are you talking about?"

"You don't care about my feelings." She sharply turned her face from me. "You'd just go and get yourself killed, not thinking for one second of how - Urggh! Why am I even talking to you about this?! You don't care! If you cared even one molecule, you'd do as I asked you!"

Before I could come up with a reply that would incorporate the level of snark appropriate for such idiotic logic, she started scrambling towards the trapdoor on all fours. The old wood flooring scraped and creaked against her knees and shoes, and I had to avert my eyes lest I be accused of staring at the way her pants clung to the curves of her butt. It was, in short, proof positive that one cannot angrily storm out of an attic with nearly as much grace as out of a cafe.

I waited until I heard her footsteps on the trapdoor stairs before I risked looking in her direction again. As if she could hear me looking at her, her eyes darted towards me, and an involuntary grin cracked her face. I guess I did look humorously pathetic, still hunched over in the confined space of the attic, caught in surprise and indecision. But a moment later her angry frown reasserted itself, and she rattled down the remaining steps.

My memory was good enough to recall what had ultimately resulted the last time I let Haruhi storm out on me. It had become a point of discussion in a humiliating SOS Brigade seminar on my dating skills. Of course, we weren't on a date when she walked out of that cafe, but Haruhi was never one to let technicalities stand in her way. We weren't on a date in the attic just now, either - as in the cafe, we were just two people hanging out and having a serious discussion together. There wasn't even a check for me to pay this time.

Still, there was at least one key difference between that time and this time. Haruhi got angry at me for telling her Miss Asahina is a time traveler, Nagato is an alien, and Koizumi is an esper because she incorrectly thought I was joking. This time, she was angry because she correctly thought I was serious. That was enough to make me think maybe the traditional approach of chasing after her wasn't such a good idea this time.

But then I remembered we were still dealing with the whole death thing. However unpleasant it might be to pursue this, leaving Haruhi with "The next time someone points a gun at someone, you can expect me to step into the path of the bullet," was asking for disaster.

I scrambled after her, banging my head on the stupid roof again, and trumped down the stairs. There was no immediate sign of Haruhi, so I decided to try her bedroom first.

I opened the door and found her lying face down on her bed, arms wrapped around a pillow. She whipped her head towards me and snapped, "What do you think you're doing, barging into a girl's bedroom without knocking?!"

"Please. It's the middle of the day, and I was with you until about fifteen seconds ago. What would you be getting undressed for?"

"That's none of your business, and who said anything about undressing? A girl's bedroom is a pure, sacred, and private space that is not to be violated by boys under any circumstances!"

Are you quoting an elementary school textbook on manners, or something? "Look, about what we said in the attic -"

"Get out! I'm not talking to you, and you don't belong in here anyway!"

"- I get that you're worried about me dying, but -"

"Forget it! You go right ahead and get yourself killed, since that's what you want! Don't let me stop you!"

"- you're making too much of this one thing. Life-threatening dangers aren't something that happens in the real world, unless you go to war or something. And believe me, I have no intention -"

"I said get - out!" She punctuated the last word by flinging the pillow at me.

She'd creamed me the last time she tried that, but I was ready this time, and ably dodged to the right, letting the pillow streak past harmlessly.

Admittedly, to the untrained observer it probably looked like Haruhi threw the pillow a centimeter to my right, like a warning shot (since she wanted me to get out, not lie sprawled on her bedroom floor), and I flinched. Oh, just interpret it however you want. At this point I don't have any dignity left to lose.

"There, you see?" I said. "I still have survival instinct."

"If you have any survival instinct at all, you'll be out of this room in the next three sec-"

The doorbell rang.

For a moment we just stood there (well, sat up on her knees in Haruhi's case), like dueling gunmen in the American West who had just been notified that the mayor's daughter needs a hand getting down from her horse.

Then Haruhi started rolling up her sleeve. "One... tw-"

"I'll get the door," I sighed, and went.

Not like the argument even mattered, anyway. I had made my point, and Haruhi being angry at me wasn't something I was overly concerned about. She would get over it.

I figured it was Kanae, Ishigaki, and my sister back from their little trip, so it caught me off-guard when I opened the front door and saw a man in a dark suit with sunglasses and a little white earpiece. His hair was in an impeccable flat top. "Good afternoon, sir. Is the master or lady of the house in?"

I scratched the back of my head. "Ah... not at the moment."

"I see. Well, there's a strange phenomenon going on in the area, and we're trying to get everyone properly informed."

Uh oh. Strange phenomenon? Did he just say that out loud?

"So if you could pass on what I'm about to tell you to your mother or -"

"Did you say strange phenomenon?!" Haruhi gasped out, elbowing me to the side so that could get the full attention of our visitor. Her face was shining like summer sunlight on the hood of a black car. "And you're going around and warning everyone? Are you a government agent, or something?"

"No, ma'am. I'm a musician."

An awkward silence followed.

"Sorry," he said, grinning just slightly. "I've always wanted to say that."

What is that supposed to mean? Is that some cliche that I've never heard of?

"Yes, I'm a government agent. I'm afraid there's been a gas leak at a nearby testing facility. The gas will be far too dilluted by the normal air to be harmful, but there is the possibility that inhaling it will trigger compelling hallucinations. So we're going around the local neighborhoods to advise everyone to stay indoors and avoid any physical activities until the gas dissipates, which should occur within the next 48 hours. If that proves to not be the case, we'll come by again to update you."

"Oh." Haruhi blinked. "Well, I guess that explains these strange things we've been seeing for the past day or so. What is this gas, exactly?"

The government agent proceeded to give her details, but I wasn't able to follow too well, and I had other things on my mind. There was definitely something fishy about this. This was so obviously an attempt to provide Haruhi with a non-supernatural explanation for the time folds that only Haruhi could have not caught on. But Koizumi said the Agency's man in the area was Shingen Chisuga, and I couldn't believe he'd have another agent sent in without telling me. That would only damage my trust in him, and apparently he valued my trust, or he wouldn't have told me about Chisuga.

Was this guy from another faction? Maybe one of Goro Mishima or Kyoko Tachibana's associates?

Once Haruhi was done pumping the agent for info, he went on his way. Haruhi shut the door behind him and put a hand to her jaw. "Hmm. The chemistry all checks out, so far as I can tell, but is there really a gas that can cause hallucinations at such low density? And why didn't we get a phone alert about this?"

Probably because they wanted to speak to you in person so that they could be sure you got the message and assuage any doubts you might have.

"It's definitely suspicious. Don't you think so, Kyon?"

Of the undoubtedly millions of ways I might have responded to that question, I went with what was undoubtedly the worst: "I thought you were mad at me."

She scowled. "Oh, of course. And since you don't care about my feelings, you'd rather I stay mad at you than do something to make me less mad, like helping me solve this mystery."

"Well, if you really want my opinion, you're overthinking this a bit. Maybe to send out a phone alert they need special clearance or -"

"Forget it! You don't care, so there's no point discussing it with you!" She headed back to her bedroom without even a glance to see my reaction. Except for one surreptitious peek right as she turned into the hall.

Whatever. I had homework to do.

I was heading up to my bedroom when my phone rang. It was Nagato. It was certainly unusual to get a call from her when we'd just spoken a couple hours ago, but I didn't hesitate to answer.

"Hey, Nagato. What's up?"

"You have had a visitor."

"Um, yeah." I closed the bedroom door behind me. "Some guy who said all the time folds were caused by a gas leak in the area. Do you know anything about that?"

"A humanoid interface was sent to the Kanae Suzumiya residence in order to ensure Haruhi Suzumiya does not recognize the temporal intersections as what they are and her own role in creating them."

A humanoid interface? Dammit, so Koizumi was right about them spying on us too. "You, uh, could have given me a warning..."

"I myself was only informed of this 73 seconds ago."

"You mean your boss isn't keeping you in the loop? Because of when you rewrote reality?"

"That is a logical assumption."

I'd love to give that asshole a piece of my mind. "So what's the deal? I thought you guys were supposed to only observe, and didn't even really care whether Haruhi knows about her powers or not."

"There has been a shift in consensus. The Entity is concerned about the potential consequences of Haruhi Suzumiya becoming consciously aware that the temporal intersections enable her to manipulate the future."

I... What? "Wait a second. Is this because of that last time fold being a battle between the SOS Brigade and your boss's people?"

"That is a concern, but of much greater concern is the information viewed about Haruhi Suzumiya utilizing the information in the temporal intersections."

Headache... imminent... "Okay, Nagato, I have to be honest here. I have no idea what you just said."

"Emiri Kimidori made the following statement to Haruhi Suzumiya: 'You had used your powers to bring future information into this present, and among other things, you viewed 38 possible scenarios in which your powers directly or indirectly brought about Kyon's death. So you reached out to us with your subconscious mind, offering us your powers freely in order to prevent those scenarios.' This implies that Haruhi Suzumiya's actions in the temporal intersection were influenced by her knowledge of previous temporal intersections. Haruhi Suzumiya knowing this creates the risk of an infinite recursion, wherein Haruhi Suzumiya can learn about her future knowledge of her future knowledge of her future knowledge, ultimately collecting knowledge of every possible future. Such knowledge may lead her to recreate the world in a drastically different form, even one where data organisms do not exist."

I pointed out that they could thank their own true pal and fellow alien, Emiri Kimidori, for blabbing that info to Haruhi.

"That is not necessarily true. If Haruhi Suzumiya created a temporal intersection with the hour in which she gave her powers to the Data Integration Thought Entity, you and I would not have witnessed it."

Right. Forgive me if these time folds are too confusing for me to predict. "Okay. So if this guy is keeping Haruhi from finding out the truth about what's going on, he's essentially on our side, right?"

"Uncertain. At present, the most likely outcome is that he will not involve himself further at all. Nonetheless, I wanted to warn you."

"I see." My skin felt cold all of a sudden. "Because if he were going to do something, like try to kill Haruhi, your boss wouldn't let you know about it. Is that it?"

"It is."

"Thanks, Nagato." I sighed. "Too bad we can't warn Haruhi too. But there's no way we can explain the situation without telling her about time folds and everything. Besides, she wouldn't listen to me because she hates me now."

There was silence on the other end of the line.

Idiot! Why the hell did I say that? "Ah, I just meant... She told me not to gamble my life trying to save other people anymore, and I told her I couldn't do that, so now she's all bent out of shape and won't talk to me because I don't care how she feels about me getting killed. Of course I do care, but she thinks I..." I trailed off, realizing how stupid it was to ramble on about this. Why should Nagato care about any of this?

"Haruhi Suzumiya knows you care," Nagato said. "It is the risk of you dying which upsets her."

"...Oh." I hadn't expected a response like that from Nagato.

"It upsets me as well. I wish for you to not gamble your life again. Particularly in light of the outcome of your gamble to save me from Emiri Kimidori."

Well, that hadn't actually happened yet, but I understood what Nagato was saying. There wasn't anything I could really do about the situation, though, so I turned the conversation, confirming with her that Koizumi had arranged things and Kyoko Tachibana had arrived at her apartment. Nagato asked if I wanted to speak with her, but needless to say I took I pass on that.

Then we rang off, and I sat down at the little desk set up in the guest room and got out my textbook and paper.

Maybe I was being stubborn about this? Maybe when you got right down to it, all I needed to do to end this time folding nonsense was tell Haruhi, "Sure, the next time I see a gun pointed at someone or a speeding van headed their way, I'll just step back and watch the brains splatter." Just say that, and this whole mess might be over, and we could just enjoy the weekend.

I heard a faint sound of wood fibers straining, and forced myself to drop my pencil before I could snap it in two. As it clattered to the desk, I stared at it.

So yeah, no. I didn't care what the cost was, I wasn't going to reinforce Haruhi's belief that she could make people do whatever she wanted them to just by whining and pouting about it. It had taken her a long time to get as close as she was now to being a normal human being who could accept the occasional defeat as a part of life. I wasn't going to knock her back down that slippery slope now.

I don't care what you do, Haruhi. Keep on pulling the future into the present if you want. Bring on the thunder and lightning. Hell, you can destroy the world. No matter what you do, it won't get you what you really want.

I picked my pencil back up and got to work. I need to finish this stupid -

- taxes. Staff meetings. Dinner parties.

I hate them all.

But no, it's worse than that. I've started to think hate might be a relief. The truth it, I don't feel anything about those things except a wish that they would go away.

I managed to keep my forehead from hitting the desk and continue pulling together receipts and documents. Not because this stuff mattered to me, but because I didn't want my wife to make a fuss.

"That was a fun time tonight, wasn't it?" she said.

"Yeah. Fun." Who wouldn't include four hours of talking about baseball, foreign politics, and swimming pool installation with a bunch of people you only tolerate because they're your wife's friends in their definition of a fun time?

"We should invite them over here next time. Return the favor."

"What an inspired idea."

"I just wish I could cook as well as Sekimoto. I mean, how can I ever top that curry?"

"You can't."

"Exactly. I'll just have to do my best."

There was a moment of silence, allowing me to make some slight progress in organizing my receipts.

"Kyon, I've been thinking..."

"Don't call me that. You know I hate being called that."

"But you let some of your friends call you Kyon."

"I can't get them to stop. They think I'm still in high school." I turned to look over my shoulder at her. "You should know better."

She bowed her head. "I'm sorry."

Why did she call me that, anyway? She never calls me Kyon. She was the first woman I met who respected me enough to call me by the name I introduced myself by. (Well, except for Nagato, but she called me by my full name like she did everyone else, which wasn't bad but wasn't exactly what I wanted.)

"I was just wondering..." she continued. "Have you given any more thought to having children?"

I sighed. "We've gone over this. Even as things are now, we barely have time to do any of the things we want to do. And once you've had a child, there's no going back. Are you ready for twenty years of round the clock caring for and worrying about someone else? Because I'm not."

"I could quit my job. With me taking care of everything at home, you'd have time to do more of what you want when you get home from work."

"And how are you imagining that we pay our bills in this scenario? Raising a child these days is insanely expensive. My job alone is not going to pay for it all."

"You could get a promotion. You've worked that job long enough. If you just increase your output a little, I'm sure they would give you one."

"Forget it. The last thing I want is a promotion at that job. That's more responsibility, more business trips, and more corporate suits breathing down my neck. And let's face it, I don't have the skills to handle a position higher than what I've got."

"Well, get a new job then! If you don't like the one you have -"

"Look, having children is not something you do just because it looks like it might be fun, or that you can manage with a few simple adjustments. It's something that changes your entire life. It's a responsibility that's all-encompassing. Do you really think you're ready for that? Because I know that I'm not." I gave her the most hard look I could, to let her know I was serious. "And that's my final answer."

She nodded, slow and accepting. "...Okay."

That was how she always was, no matter what the argument. Give up any position, agree to anything, rather than make me unhappy. It was what drew me to her, I guess, and what made the first year or so of our marriage so enjoyable. Never an argument, never a harsh word, never a sexual desire that she wouldn't comply with, never a get-together with my friends that she would object to. Everything was so easy.

How I hated that now.

She smoothed out a crease in her sleeve. "...I'm going to start making dinner now, if that's okay."

I knew that last part didn't mean anything, that it was just one of those phrases you throw out to make a statement sound less rigid and awkward, but I couldn't help but give the caustic response: "Yes, I suppose I can allow that."

She left.

I finished with the receipts. Then, as if the universe was unwilling to cut me a break, my phone rang. I cringed when I saw who was on the caller ID, but I answered it anyway.

"Hey, it's me!" Haruhi said before I could even get out a "Hey," as if she somehow knew the exact second I would pick up.

"Yeah, I know," I said. "You need to stop calling me."

"Why? You said yourself that your wife isn't the jealous type!"

"That's not the point. There are reasons why people don't stay in touch with their ex-boyfriends and ex-girlfriends after they get married." I wandered outside. I wasn't worried about my wife hearing me talking to my ex, but I didn't particularly want to have this conversation where she could hear.

"Hey, you were the one who went and got married. I told you that was a mistake."

"I didn't say it was a mistake."

"Not in those exact words, no, but you've definitely said it. And why are you complaining about me calling you, anyway? You do realize that without my phone calls to cheer you up, you'd probably have collapsed into a fit of hopeless depression by now? That's the whole reason why I call you!"

"Uh huh. You think it cheers me up to keep hearing from the woman who dumped me?"

"I didn't dump you! I just wouldn't agree to marry you, which was doing you a favor, because as we've already covered, getting married is a mistake."

"Well, that's your opinion. My opinion is that the only mistake was that I married the wrong woman."

"What, meaning you think I would have been the right woman?"

"That's right."

"Listen, Kyon, getting married would have made us both unhappy. I explained that to you, and all the reasons why it would make us unhappy, when you proposed to me, and you've found out those reasons for yourself now. Do you really want me to go over all that again? I mean, you admit being married has made you unhappy, don't you?"

"I admit I'm unhappy." The air outside had the bleak chill and dimness of evening. Nature had clearly given up on being inventive with the weather. "I'm unhappy because my adult life has turned out to be an endless cycle of routine. I'm unhappy because ever since you and I went our separate ways, aliens, espers, time travelers, and sliders no longer have any interest in me. I'm unhappy because I don't have any adventures anymore. Most of all, I'm unhappy because the woman I'm married to is completely satisfied with the way I am and the way the world is, and so she doesn't argue, doesn't try to change things, doesn't drag me into things that I'm sure I'll hate but end up being more fun than I could have imagined. Because if a woman who did those things agreed to marry me, I wouldn't have stopped taking gambles."

"Ugh, what's so good about gambles? The more of them you take, the more certain it becomes that you'll lose at some point. You could even lose your life, which is everything you have!"

A dry chuckle escaped me. "You don't need to gamble to lose your life. I've lost my life by not gambling."

"W-Well, that's all your fault! You ruined everything by asking me to marry you! You realize that, don't you?! We could have been perfectly happy together, just living life day by day!"

"Maybe you could have. I need a woman in my life who's more than just a good friend. That's why I got married."

"I don't want to talk about this anymore! Ask me how Yuki is, or something!"

"Is that your way of rubbing it in that she chose you over me? Very subtle."

"Yuki didn't choose sides! She had to stay with me because it's her duty to watch me, that's all!"

"Even though you haven't had any powers for years now? Maybe there's a bridge you'd like to try selling me."

"Ugh, why do you have to be so stupid? Yuki's people don't know how I got my powers in the first place, so they can't be sure I won't get them back, or that I'm not the key to their auto-evolution with or without powers! Just ask Yuki yourself if you don't believe me! I know for a fact that she wishes more than anything in the world that you would call her for once!"

"Uh huh. As if Nagato wouldn't just say whatever you tell her to say."

"Yuki would never lie to you! How can you not even know that?"

"Haruhi, she has lied to me, numerous times. And to you, too. She even let us think she cared about us, when it was all about making sure no one tampered with her boss's precious key to auto-evolution. I'd ask how can you not even know that, but you've always been blind to anything you don't want to see, and I'm hardly expecting that to change now."

For a few seconds there was nothing on the line but choking sounds. "You... you asshole! Nagato would take a bullet for you, and you dare say she doesn't even care? I should strangle you with your own intestines for even thinking that!"

For some reason, I couldn't respond to that. It's not like it would have been difficult to think up a good retort.

"You know what your problem is? You married a woman who's better than you deserve, but because you're stuck being married to her, you hate her. And because you know she deserves better, you hate yourself. That's why you're pushing all your friends away."

Thanks for the insight, Miss Armchair Psychiatrist. But I didn't say that. Honestly, the moment I thought it, it already sounded lame and pointless.

No, there was really only one thing to say at this point. Because I realized something important: It was over. Whatever relationship Haruhi and I had, it had come apart. Even with Haruhi's frequent calls, our separation had worn a rut between us and left us out of practice. We weren't communicating the way we had when we were together. No instant understanding, no easy familiarity, just two people with a history talking at each other. In its way, it was just as boring as my interactions with my wife. Maybe worse, because with Haruhi I had once had much more.

I said the one thing I had to say: "I'm sorry."

"Huh?"

"You may be to blame for screwing up our relationship, but calling me up like this, at least you're trying. I'm sorry I've made it so unpleasant for you. No matter what we've been through, no matter what you've put me through, I never wanted to hurt -"

"I'm to blame for screwing up our relationship? I'm to blame for screwing up our relationship? I already told you, marriage would have ruined anything!"

Obviously, one of Haruhi's many powers is ruining moments. "Maybe," I sighed. "But even if that's true, wouldn't it have been better if we could at least say we had tried? That we didn't just avoid that one adventure because we were afraid we'd fail it?" I tilted my head back, facing the grey skies. "Think about it. Goodbye, Haruhi."

"Hey -"

I hung up.

Now why did I say that? What good could it do to waste more time thinking about what might have been?

I suppose you could argue that, since we live in a world where time travel exists, anything that might have been is something that still could be. But Haruhi and I aren't time travelers. When she had her powers, she could reset time to redo something she wasn't satisfied with, but her powers are gone now. She could also use those time folds to glimpse the future, and I suppose it is possible that she did that to view the conversation I just had with her. Remembering time folds is always tricky after the first 24 hours or so - I think Miss Asahina said something like you can remember being in a time fold, but you can't actually retain memories of things that haven't happened yet - and at this point I could only give vague descriptions of three of the dozen or so time folds I was in. So maybe I was hoping that Haruhi looked into this moment sometime before I proposed to her, and that what I said might convince her to marry me?

But that's a ridiculous longshot. The odds of that conversation being part of a time fold alone are astronomically small. Haruhi accepting my argument is another castle in the air. After all, when has she ever listened to me? And even if she did see it, and was convinced, that wouldn't change my situation. It would just make it so that another Kyon and another Haruhi would get married, leaving me as just an alternate reality.

Maybe that's enough. Maybe... Maybe it was worth the small effort of saying it just to gamble on the infinitesmially small chance that somewhere in the muddled web of possible realities, there are a Haruhi and a Kyon who are happy together.

Of course, that still left me with my own miserable fate. Ignoring the persistent buzzing of my phone as Haruhi tried to reach me so that she could put a hole in my eardrum, I went back inside and climbed the stairs to the study.

I locked the door behind me, took a seat at my desk, and opened up a locked drawer. Inside was an old friend, the best friend I had these days: a gun.

Every time I saw the abyss of endless boredom and emptiness yawning beneath me, I took it out, as I did now, and loaded it, as I did now. It was good to have an escape available.

Who knows? Maybe this was the day I would finally pull the trigger. Having seen the crazy things I saw in my high school and college days, and was no longer seeing, I knew there was a good chance that I was just a fragment of some alternate reality that wasn't supposed to exist, or a part of a dream Haruhi was having. I couldn't let go of hope, but so long as there was hope that in the true reality we had made the right choices, then it wasn't really letting go of hope to put this gun barrel up against my temple, was it?

My phone was still buzzing. I'd also gotten a text alert, but I wasn't going to bother reading it.

Maybe Haruhi would call Nagato, too. Maybe Nagato would rush over here with her superhuman speed and save my life. Maybe Koizumi had been secretly monitoring me for the past years, despite my irrelevance to the big picture, and would use his esper powers to persuade me to put down this gun. Maybe Sugiyama would slide into this reality and grab it out of my hand. Maybe Miss Asahina, who I haven't seen in a decade, travelled to a few hours ago and secretly unloaded the clip.

My finger is on the trigger.