So Spare Me The Details if you don't mind.
I could see it in my rearview mirror.
It's pyre sprinting after me.
If the fiery blaze didn't burn my eyes, the oncoming headlights did.
I could barely see a thing, but I still had the pedal pressed all the way down.
My head was pounding and throbbing.
My eyes were singed and boiled.
My throat was raw and rough.
My fingers and limbs were tingling and heavy.
My heart was dense and thrashing.
I didn't use the lines in the road to steer my car, I used the headlights and taillights.
I could hear the horns honk and the brakes squeal as I passed them.
But as soon as they were behind me, their noises were snuffed by its call.
Dean!
Dean!
Stop fucking running!
It roared and bellowed towards me, its claws reaching out for me.
Embrace me!
You fucking coward!
I would hear its voice.
I would turn around and see it.
I heard a guttural scream.
I saw an inferno.
And yet I still recognized it.
You know! You remember!
There's no point in running!
I could barely tell where I was going.
I could barely tell where I was.
All that kept my hands on the wheel and my foot on the gas was the hope of my destination.
I told you! I fucking warned you!
They are nothing! You are nothing!
I didn't know what time it was.
I didn't know what day it was.
All that kept my eyes open and my mouth breathing was the hope she would be there.
You mother fucker! Dean!
Don't leave me!
Dean!
It began to catch up.
Its heat began to creep into my car.
But the only place left for the needle on the gauge to go was into the red.
You can't outrun me!
Stop!
Why won't you fucking talk to me?!
The lights ahead were red.
The road wasn't empty.
But I had no choice.
Don't throw it all away!
Slow the fuck down!
Dean!
I accelerated through the red and shining lights.
There were more but fewer lights ahead of me, and behind me now.
I somehow made it through.
But behind me, I can see the flaming entity absorb everything I just avoided.
Give up!
Accept it!
Why would you rather die?!
In the distance, I could see my apartment building.
It was within sight.
I was almost there.
Dean!
This isn't the answer!
As if you fucking know better!
I accelerated hard down the last hill.
The heat began to subside, I was gaining ground.
I was getting farther away from it.
You worthless fuck!
You pathetic coward!
You lonely miserable excuse of a man!
My car hit the level road hard, bouncing me out of my seat.
But my hands clutched the wheel, bringing me back down.
I was so close, I wasn't gonna stop now.
Dean! For fuck's sake, Dean!
Why!?
Why am I not good enough!?
After beaming through the last intersection, I was a single street away.
The flames and the roars further and further behind me.
But it wasn't giving up or slowing down either.
Stop pretending!
You remember!
Why run!?
My eyes became clearer, my thoughts barely so as well.
I had to decide what to do next.
It would catch me in the garage.
But I couldn't stay outside.
Dean!
Please!
Dean!
I couldn't turn with how fast I was going.
I couldn't make the turn into the garage.
But If I kept going straight, I'd miss it.
I had to jam the brake down and I had to start now.
Dean!
I need to talk to you!
Dean!
The squealing of my tires drowned out its roars.
I had to push myself off the steering wheel.
My car began to swerve to the side.
Dean!
Dean!
With every remaining bit of strength I had left, I needed to hold the car straight.
The car began to bounce and skid.
"Fuck! Fuck!"
I clenched the wheel as hard as I clenched my teeth.
If I let go, it felt like my body would fly through the windshield.
"F-fuck!"
But then as the squealing stopped, everything else stopped with it.
I had to dig my face from my arms.
When I looked back up, I was parked out front of my apartment building.
My car was still humming quietly, and nothing else seemed wrong.
As I leaned back in my seat, I looked in my mirror.
The blaze was still there, trailing behind me.
"F-fuck!"
I opened the car door, and fell out onto the asphalt.
"Aah shit!"
My leg and arm took the heavy brunt of my landing, the rough ground sanding away my skin.
But as I looked back up, it was still there.
However, it seemed smaller.
Slower.
And eerily calmer.
Dean.
Wait.
I could see it down the street, reaching out to me.
"No no…no."
I scraped myself up to my feet, the ground feeling like velvet.
With every sloppy step, my body wanted to tumble over.
Using my fingertips to make up for any balance my legs couldn't find.
I started running towards the front entrance, but my attention kept getting snatched by it.
It was still slow, I still had a good amount of lead on it.
But I wasn't convinced I was safe yet.
Dean.
Please?
As I turned my attention back around, I was met with the front door.
I bounced face first off of the glass, falling backwards onto the ground again.
"Fuck…fuck…"
I shook my eyes open, it was now catching up to me.
Dean, please.
I need you to talk to me.
"Fuck!"
The closer it got, the more intense the pain in my head kept getting.
I struggled to stand, using the door handle as leverage.
I ripped the door open, stumbling inside.
The tile floor was even harder to walk on, but I was able to use the walls to guide me.
Scraping against the wall all the way to the elevators.
I started pressing the Up button as fast as I could.
"Come on come on come on come on come on! Fuck! Come on!"
Echoing down the hallway, I could hear the front door slowly squeak shut.
Turning the corner, it appeared again.
Nowhere near a blaze, instead a steady gentle fire.
Leaving behind weak flaming footprints with every step.
Instead of roaring, it cried.
Dean?
Where are you going?
"Shit shit shit shit shit!"
I was still pressing the button rapidly, the tip of my finger feeling like it was peeling off.
Dean?
Why are you mad at me?
I could hear the elevator ding, and before it fully opened I wrenched it open with my hands.
I stumbled inside, and after pressing the button for my floor I used a different finger to assault the button to close the door.
"You mother fucker, come on! Come on come on come on! Fuck! Fuck!"
With one awkward press, my finger painfully bent itself against the button.
"Fuck!"
The door still wasn't closing, and so I had to use a third finger on the button.
The rapid movement straining my hand with a burning pain.
But as the door finally began to close, I could see its reflection on the shining tile floor.
It was right outside the elevator.
Dean?
I could see its burning hands reaching out, as the doors finally closed in.
There was only two floors to go.
One more corner, one more hallway, and one more door.
I don't know if it would mean I'm safe, but I had no other option.
The elevator dinged again, so I just needed one more.
I took the last chance to check my phone.
Just to see missing glass and cracks.
"Aw, son of a bitch."
I must have landed directly on my phone when I fell out of the car.
I pressed some buttons to see if I could get any remnants of hope or light, but I couldn't see anything through the shattered screen.
"Mother…fuck, why!?"
With nothing else to brace my anger, I stomped my foot hard on the elevator floor.
But as the impact sent a shock up my leg, the whole elevator shook.
Losing my balance, I tumbled into the wall.
And as my body slammed against it, the lights went out.
The motion ceased.
And I was left trapped in the dark with nothing else to listen to except my own breath.
"Wha…what the…no…no…fuck! Fuck!"
I extended my arms out, trying to find the panel.
But every surface I felt was smooth.
I tiptoed around in my dark cage, feeling around for the corners.
I found one, so I moved onto the next wall.
I glided my hands down, but there was no gap where the doors would be.
I came across another corner, guiding me onto the third wall.
The third wall was just as solid.
"Okay, okay. This is it. This is the fourth one."
I pressed my hands up against the final wall.
I had to find either the doors or the button panel, they had to be on this wall.
But yet, as I ran my hands high and low and left to right, I felt nothing.
"Wait…what?"
I tried again, bringing my fingers to the opposite corners.
But there was no crack between the sliding doors.
There was no buttons to push.
"No…no…fuck..no…fuck fuck fuck! Help! Help!"
I lost count of the corners I found.
I forgot which wall I was at or which wall I was facing.
"Help! Please! Someone!"
The more and more I struggled, the more my head would collide with the walls.
"Hel-fuck…fuck…help! Help!"
I stood still, reaching out my arms trying to figure out why.
But from where I stood, my palms were flush against the wall in front of me.
I extended my hand out, just to be met with another wall within seconds.
"H-huh?"
I reached out my other hand, making sure I wasn't in a corner.
But somehow, my other hand was flush against another wall.
"W-wait….n-no….that's not….that's not possible, how…"
With another sudden shake, I stumbled backwards into an another wall.
"What the- fuck…"
A wall behind me, a wall there to my left and wall there to my right.
I kicked my foot in front of me, barely extending my leg out before another wall blocked it.
It was getting smaller and smaller.
…the walls were closing in.
"No! No! No! Fuck! Help! Help!"
My hands became my elbows, my foot becoming my knee.
Standing where I stood, trying to push the walls back.
But I could feel them slowly moving in, encasing me deeper and deeper into this void.
The roof began to push down on my head.
My back and body sliding down the wall behind me.
The walls condensed my screams into cries.
"H-h-help….p-please…oh God help me….p-please…"
My cries and begs bounced off the walls, warming my face.
I could feel my shoulders stab into my collar.
I could feel my knee shift my hip.
"H-help…."
I closed my eyes, the darkness behind my eyes no different than the void I was already trapped in.
I only had one breath to spare.
One more word, before I could feel my body compress my lungs flat.
One more thought.
One more thing to think about.
My last memory.
Before this void became my eternity.
Trapped in this cube, the sounds of my bones crunching and snapping lining the walls.
I whimpered out
"…N-Nikki…"
With a jolt of pain in my lungs, I opened my eyes.
With one heavy breath in, I breathed in my current reality.
Standing on my feet, the elevator doors opened in front of me.
No extra pain in my body to recognize.
It felt like I breathed my lungs out of my body.
On my next inhale in, I thought I was inhaling the thickest and purest relief I have ever felt.
But it was disguised as anger.
Instead of breathing back out, I roared.
"Aah!"
The next inhale was an an extra dose of frustration.
"Fuck!"
And on the next inhale, my tears splashed on my tongue.
"Fu-u-ck!"
The final staggered roar took what was left.
My legs and knees were no longer strong enough to hold me up.
I collapsed to the elevator floor, the weight of my tears dragging me down faster.
But as I could hear the elevator bell ring, I had to spring to my feet to jump out.
I didn't want to be trapped in there again.
Dragging my feet on the floor as I leaped towards the far wall.
But as I dove out, I could feel my arms and hands had no energy to spare.
And so I was unable to brace myself, as my brow collided with the far wall.
"F-fuck…fuck…"
I could feel the texture in the paint as my face dragged down the wall.
I ended up lying on my back.
My head throbbing in pain from every side.
I did what I could to just breathe, but the pain in my head and the blinding hallway lights wouldn't allow me to concentrate on my breaths.
"Shit…come on….come on Dean…almost there…just…just…"
From my lungs, my second wind inflated my limbs.
I could feel my arms and hands, and used them to drag me back up.
I could feel my legs and feet, and used them to keep me up against the wall.
Every slow dragging step needed its own breath.
I would reach out one hand, and extend out one foot just as much to match.
Breath in, breath out, and the bring the rest of my body forward.
The pain in my head continued to feel heavier and heavier, but I could now see my front door.
An empty hallway was all that separated us.
The pain was getting heavier, but the breaths and my body began to feel lighter with every step.
Now, one breath got me two steps.
I began to feel a fire in my chest, my lungs beginning to burn.
But not now.
I wasn't going to stop now.
The door was in sight, and it wasn't getting farther away.
"Come on…come on…"
I was two doors away.
"Come on…"
One door.
"Yes…yes…"
I reached out, and gripped the door handle as tightly as I could.
"Yes!"
I looked up and down the hallway.
Nothing.
"I made it…I made it…"
I looked back towards the door.
The keyhole underneath my hands, the digital keypad above them.
I wasn't gonna let go of this handle for a second until I was inside.
So I stretched one of my fingers out of my grip, and tried to enter in the code.
But as the pain in my head began to sway, the numbers and my fingers begin to blur.
"Sh-shit. Come on."
I could hear the soft long tone, meaning I input the wrong numbers.
"Take it easy. Come on, you can do this."
I tried again, confident I got it correct.
But the soft tone played again, keeping me locked out.
"No, come on!"
My body wanted to collapse again, but I refused to let go of the handle.
"No no, not now! Come on! Come on…come on…one…n-nine…n-nine-"
Dean?
It appeared a couple doors down.
Standing in the center of the hallway.
But it was much smaller.
It wasn't on fire anymore.
Dean, why are you bleeding?
It looked wet. Drenched as if it was standing in the rain.
All that remained of its flames was black soot and ash.
Soaking it in a thin black mud.
Are you okay? What happened to you?
It wasn't roaring.
It wasn't even echoing.
Can I come closer to you? Please?
With every few words it said, it's voice filled in my head. Pushing out the pain.
And every few words, I began to recognize it even more.
Please don't be scared Dean. Please don't be mad at me.
I couldn't feel the door handle anymore.
Looking at it, I didn't realize I stepped away from the door.
It's just been so long. I just wanted to talk to you again.
It didn't move, but somehow it got closer.
I was stepping towards it.
I've missed you. So much Dean.
It wasn't a monster anymore.
It wasn't a source of pain.
It was just…
"…I missed you too."
…
…
…
"Really? You really missed me?"
"Yes…I did."
"It feels like it's been forever Dean."
"…yeah…it has."
"I've been trying so hard to keep up with you. I just wanted to talk. Face to face."
"…me too."
"Dean, what's wrong?"
"I…I don't know anymore…"
"You're crying. And bleeding. What's wrong Dean?"
"I….I…I don't know…"
"Why are you backing away? Please don't be scared Dean."
"I…I…"
"Dean, please. I didn't mean anything I said."
"…you're lying…"
"No, I'm not. Please don't say that."
"You've been…doing horrible things to me…j-just…stop."
"No, Dean. Don't say that. Please."
"I'm done…I'm done…just go away."
"I don't want to go away Dean. Please understand, I just wanted to see you again-"
"Go away!"
"…you don't mean that."
"Yes I do…yes I do…"
"After all this time, you really want me to go away?"
"…please…I shouldn't be talking to you."
"What? Why not?"
"I…shouldn't. I….can't. You can't be…just go…"
"Dean, it's okay. It's okay."
"No it's not. Just you saying that doesn't make this okay."
"I can make this okay. We can make it okay Dean."
"No, there is no 'we'. There can't be."
"…why not?"
"I…because…"
"Do…you not want this be okay?"
"No…I…I mean…just…"
"After all this time…why are you turning me away?"
"What are…d-don't cry…you don't get to cry."
"Everything I've done…j-just to see you again…I…I…I can't believe this."
"No…no…I…I'm not falling for this."
"What is there to fall for? I've forgiven you Dean, and here you are j-just throwing me away….again…"
"I never…I didn't…stop…stop."
"You locked me behind the door and everything…and I still forgive you."
"I didn't…"
"I was so alone…I was burning…but I still forgive you Dean."
"…I didn't want you to-"
"Just for you to ignore me…run away from me…but I still forgive you."
"I…I'm sorry. Please don't cry."
"What do I-I have to-to do Dean? I don't understand…"
"I'm sorry. Please, I'm so sorry."
"I just wanted to start over…yes I was mad…but I just wanted to start over."
"…I do too. Please."
"…you do?"
"Yes, I do. Please don't cry anymore, I hate seeing you cry."
"O-okay…okay…I'll try."
"There, there you go."
"So….does this mean you forgive me?"
"…I…"
"Can't we just forget everything that happened?"
"…I don't…"
"Just forget all of it. Pretend none of it happened."
"…should we?"
"Yes Dean. Ofcourse we should."
"…why?"
"Look at us Dean. Look at me. Look at you."
"…okay."
"This isn't us. This isn't what we are supposed to be."
"…you're right."
"We can finally move on. We can be normal. We can be happy. Don't you want that?"
"…yeah."
"I'm so tired of being a skeleton in your closet, and I know you're sick of being one in mine. Right?"
"Yeah."
"So just…come here."
"…okay."
"Come here and hold me. Like you used to."
"Okay, I will."
"And I'll hold you like I used to."
"Okay…thank you."
"You're welcome Dean. There you go, just a couple more steps."
"…okay."
"I'll hold you and stroke you and make you feel all better. Just like I used to."
"…thank you."
"And you'll belong to me. Just like you used to-"
"Dean?"
"H-huh?"
I turned around, just to see Nikki popping her head out of my doorway.
"N-Nikki?"
"Yeah…um…it's me. I hope you don't mind, I really had to use the bathroom so I used the code you gave me."
"H-how…how long have you been here?"
"Not too long. Um…were you talking to someone just now?"
"I…I…"
"Jesus Christ, are you bleeding? Dean, what the hell happened to you?"
She came out of the door, and started sprinting towards me.
But I quickly lost sight of her.
I couldn't see her past the tears welling up in my eyes.
"Is that your whore Dean?"
As I turned back around, it was still there.
Standing still.
"Is that who this is all about?"
It's toothy grin shining through its soaked black hair.
I could feel a soft grip on the back of my shirt, turning me back around.
"Dean, come on. Come inside- God you look awful."
She lifted my arm around the back of her neck.
I could smell her perfume and her hair again.
"You're doing this to me again?"
The relief of her scent wafted away as I turned back around.
It remained where it stood, but I could see its eyes.
Two small flames beginning to erupt in its sockets.
Nikki dragged me along as fast as she could.
"I've been texting you, what happened?"
I didn't mean to put so much weight on her, but any part of me that wasn't in contact her was numb and useless.
"Was it all a lie Dean? Just another lie?"
As I looked back, the black mud was dry. Its clothes and hair rising up as its heat began to barrel down the hallway.
"You're just gonna fucking leave me again!?"
Its heat burned away Nikki's scent, searing the inside of my head.
"Dean, what are you looking at?"
I could feel us stop, just inches away from my open door.
Nikki turned us around to face it.
"Was someone here just now? I don't see anybody Dean."
It began to smoke and smolder at its feet.
Flames flowing up its body like veins.
It began to throw its voice at me again.
You bastard Dean!
It's voice sending a shockwave that almost knocked me over.
"Whoa whoa Dean! Keep it together, come on!"
You are a fucking monster!
My vision drooped down.
I collapsed onto her.
"Fuck me…Dean you gotta help me out here…come on..come on, stand up."
I forgave you! I wanted to fix everything!
Its voice a screech that shredded my ears.
I couldn't hear my own cries of pain over it.
"Dean, what the fuck!? Are you fucking dying- what the fuck is happening!?"
Her arms lifted me under my shoulders.
I don't want to be alone! I don't want to burn! Why are you doing this to me?!
My vision stuttered as my eyes began to vibrate.
It's booming voice reverberating the walls as well as my skull.
Why do you fucking hate me!?
I could feel the threshold of my door underneath me.
The hallway and the flames began to be dragged out of my sight.
Dean!
But my body was still being torn in half by pain and numbness.
Dean!
I was facing the opposite wall.
I couldn't see it anymore.
But the hallway began to glow and burn like a furnace.
Dean!
I was dropped onto the ground, with nothing to see except the ceiling.
But I could still feel the heat burning at my feet.
Dean! Don't fucking leave me!
Dean!
I could hear it roar at me one last time.
Before Nikki closed the door.
Dea-
"Ha…ha….fucking fuck…Damn Dean you're heavy. You're- Dean?"
When I turned back around, he was still lying motionless on the ground.
"Dean? Dean, come on. Are you okay?"
I kneeled down to him, his eyes seemed blank.
"Dean? Dean you- Jesus look at you."
He had streams of tears going down both of his eyes.
One of the streams washing away the small trail of blood coming from his eyebrow.
I slightly tapped him on the cheek, checking to see if he was even alive.
"Dean? Hello?"
After a couple small taps, I could see his attention shift towards me.
"N-Nikki?"
"Dean? I could barely hear you, it's like someone is standing on your throat. Are you okay?"
"N…Nikki?"
"Yeah, it's me Dean. It's me. I'm here. What the fuck happened?"
His face began to fold up, his stream of tears began to torrent down.
After a painful sounding gasp for air, I knew I had to scoop him up.
"Hey hey hey, it's okay Dean. It's okay. It's okay."
I cradled his face into my chest, and I could feel his hands snatch onto my shirt.
Gripping me tightly like he was about to fall.
He continued to gasp for air, not letting himself cry.
"Dean, it's okay. Let it out. Whatever the hell is going on, just let it out."
His grip was getting tighter, I could see the stain he was leaving on my shirt.
But he still wouldn't cry.
"Let it out Dean. It's okay."
"I…I…"
"Hmm? What is it?"
I could hear his breath stutter.
I could feel his lips quiver.
"I…I'm sorry…"
"Huh?"
"I'm….sorry…I'm so sorry…"
I wanted to ask him what he meant.
I wanted to ask him what he had to be sorry for.
But he began to remind me of something.
A familiar feeling, even though I can't put a word to it.
Almost like I could see myself in his exact position.
As if I have been in this position before.
Clutching onto someone for dear life, an unbearable pain seeping from them.
And then when I could feel his nails reach through and scratch my skin, I realized I was in this spot before.
Strangely, I remember apologizing too.
"Shh shh. Don't be sorry Dean. Don't be sorry."
"I'm…i'm…"
"Don't be sorry."
He took one final gasp in.
And as he hands unclenched, his mouth and eyes did as well.
And he didn't hold any of his cries back.
The minutes went by, and I just let him cry without moving an inch.
His cheeks began to stick to my shirt.
In between, he would keep trying to apologize.
And every time I'd assure him he didn't have to.
Eventually, his cries started getting softer and slower.
And as they died down, he began to clench onto my shirt again.
"I'm sorry Nikki. I'm sorry."
"Shh. Don't be sorry Dean. Don't be sorry."
"…thank you."
"Oh?"
I looked back down towards him.
He wasn't looking up at me, but he was staring at the door again.
"Dean, you don't have to if you aren't ready. But can you tell me what happened?"
"…the door opened."
"What?"
"…Becky…she…"
I could feel him tensing up.
His breaths blowing stronger and stronger out through his nose.
"What did she do Dean?"
"…she jumped on me again."
"Oh no."
"She…told me…she loved me."
"What?"
"She…she…"
"Dean, what did she do?"
"…kissed me."
"Oh… oh my god…"
"She stuck her fucking tongue down my throat and-and-and…"
I could see in his eyes his grief was over.
His body squeezed out his fear and sadness.
Now it was about to roar out his anger.
"Hey hey hey, stay with me. Stay with me."
"And she opened the fucking door. The last lock is gone and it got out. It fucking got out and-and-"
"Shh shh shh. Calm down, just breathe."
"The fucking thing chased me here and-and-"
"Shh shh. Please Dean. Shh shh."
I could feel him stir around.
I could tell he wanted to get up.
But I filled in the lines as fast I could, and I could tell he was the one that hurt himself.
I didn't want to give him a chance to do it again.
"I had to run for my fucking life and then-then it-it-it f-fucking crushed me and-and-"
"Shh shh. Hey, hey. Come here. Come here."
"It made me apologize and-and it wanted to start again and-and-"
"Hey, hey."
I almost had my whole arm wrapped around his neck, just to try to keep him down.
But within seconds I would be dangling off of his shoulders.
I needed to do something now.
"It said it forgave me and-and that I should f-forgive it and-"
"Hey hey, wanna lie down on my lap? Right here Dean, right here. See? Like you wanted?"
"It forgave me…why the fuck would it forgive me!? Why would-"
"Shh shh, please Dean. Come here, right on my legs. Come on."
"Why would it forgive me…why would-"
"Just put your head on my lap, there you go. There you go."
I had to forcefully push his head onto my thighs, but once his cheek rested into my flesh his body stopped resisting immediately.
But his words still shut me out.
"Why would it forgive me….why would it forgive me…"
"It's okay Dean, calm down. Just please calm down. This is nice, isn't it? Isn't this-"
"It shouldn't forgive me…it shouldn't forgive me…"
"Dean, please you need to calm down. We can talk it out. Don't you like being on my-"
"I can't be forgiven…I can't be forgiven…I'm a monster…"
"Come on Dean, what do I gotta do here? Sing you a fucking lullaby?"
"Monster….monster…"
My sympathy was no longer disguised.
It pulled off the cover, revealing itself as my growing frustration.
I was actually frustrated with him.
But I was also frustrated with myself for feeling this way in this moment.
'He's on my lap, isn't that enough?'
'This guy is a fucking maniac.'
But I can only imagine what someone would have felt about me when I melted down this badly.
Feeling this way wasn't fair to him.
'He just got assaulted, let him cry.'
'He has no one else.'
But with him still muttering under his breath, and nothing else seeming to work, my patience was burning its wick at both ends.
My compassion wanted me to stick it out, but my instincts didn't want to fight in a pointless battle.
I began running through my mind of my various options.
Do I stay here?
Do I say something? If so, what do I say?
Do I get up and force him to try to help himself?
Do I give him tough-love or do I tend to him?
Or do I just walk out this door and never see him again and- no!
No, I'm done walking out.
I'm done escaping.
I'm done giving up.
I'm not abandoning the first person I meant something to.
The first person that helped me mean something to myself again.
But fuck, what do I do?
"I'm….the monster…I'm the worst…"
"Dean, please. What should I do?"
"It's over…I hurt them…"
I could hear what he was saying, but the words meant nothing to me.
They must have meant an agonizing amount to him, but they were just blank words to me.
But in that second, I thought about the words he used.
Worst.
Over.
Hurt.
And they reminded me of something.
Which reminded me of something I said earlier.
And at this point, it's the only thing I could think of.
"Hey Dean."
"I hurt them…I hurt them…"
"Can I sing you a song?"
"I…I…"
"You might know this one. I listened to it on the way here."
"I'm sorry..I'm sorry…I'm a monster…"
Without hesitating, I dove right into it.
Wrap me in a bolt of lightning. Send me on my way still smiling.
Maybe that's the way I should go.
Straight into the mouth of the unknown.
I had to keep myself going, I didn't want to focus on anything else.
I sang the words, but had to imagine the piano to accompany them.
I left the spare key on the table.
Never really thought I'd be able, to say I'd merely visit on the weekend.
I lost my whole life and a dear friend.
I stopped for a moment, to see if my awful a cappella was working.
I couldn't believe it when I didn't hear him saying anything.
I could still hear and feel his heavy breaths.
But the muttering stopped.
And so I kept going.
I've said it so many times.
I would change my ways, no, nevermind.
God knows I've tried.
I paused again.
His breaths were more steady.
And I could feel him nuzzle in deeper.
That was when any frustration I had melted away.
So I placed my hand on his head, and began to softly stroke his hair before starting again.
Call me a sinner, call me a saint.
Tell me it's over, I'll still love you the same.
With the chorus, I closed my eyes and couldn't help but sway along.
Using the motion of my body to help keep the slow rhythm.
Call me your favorite, call me the worst.
Tell me it's over, I don't want you to hurt.
It's all that I can say.
I had to take a breath for the next verse.
But as I took a deep breath in, I could feel his head melt deeper into my lap.
His head pushing his hair harder onto my fingers.
Even though he was lying on me, my fingers stroking his hair, it was actually comforting to me.
I began to feel warm and relieved.
Being able to witness and experience how safe and comfortable I made him soothed me just as much I seemed to soothe him.
For the first time, it wasn't just him saying it.
He was showing me what I meant to him.
So I leaned down, hovering my lips over his ear.
And I whispered to him the next verse.
So I'll be on my way.
We sat there together for a few more moments.
In silence, while I just stroked his hair.
The moon shining down into the apartment in scattered rays.
I was willing to stay there until I fell asleep, but I could hear Dean whisper
"Hey, Nikki?"
"Yeah Dean?"
"Um…can you sing the rest of the song for me?"
He slowly flipped over, and faced up at me.
His eyes seemed shiny, but red.
His cheeks were glossy and the wound on his head began to darken.
But with how calm his expression is, asking me something that would have seemed so brave and risky for him just a few days ago, I couldn't help but laugh.
"Ofcourse Dean. But only if you let me clean you up first, and let's move to the bed."
I'll always keep you inside. You healed my heart and my life.
And you know I tried.
Call me a sinner, call me a saint.
Tell me it's over I'll still love you the same.
Call me your favorite, call me the worst.
Tell me it's over, I don't want you to hurt.
It's all that I can say.
So I'll be on my way.
So I'll be on my way.
As my song finished, I could see Dean's smile reach past his cheeks.
"Thank you Nikki."
"You're welcome Dean."
He flipped back over to face me again.
His face cleaned up, a large bandage on his eye brow.
But also the first smile I've seen from him in a while.
"You really liked my singing?"
"Yeah, I did. You're amazing."
"Nah, don't say that."
I kept stroking his hair,
His eyes would open and close with my strokes.
"So, is the lap pillow everything you thought it would be?"
"Hmm-mmm."
"Good, good."
"The Shinedown song was an awesome bonus."
I laughed at him, and I could feel his head slightly bounce as he chuckled back.
"So. Are you okay? Can you tell me what happened?"
He opened his eyes slowly.
His smile quickly contracted.
"You don't have to Dean, I'm not forcing you."
"No no, I should."
I could feel him start to get up, but I put my hand on his chest to keep him down.
"No no, stay there. Stay there and tell me. Go ahead."
"…okay."
He blinked very slowly, and when he opened his eyes he was looking away from me.
"Becky brought the sample in this morning, and it was amazing. But she was tired from working on it all night, so I told her to take a nap while I brought it to our boss."
"Okay."
"I gave it to him, and he was blown away too. But then some lady showed up, apparently from HR."
"HR?"
"Yeah."
"Uh-oh."
"I left the room and went back to my office, and assuming it would get approved I started working on the story. I was working on it all day long, and didn't hear anything from anybody."
"Okay, and?"
"But then my boss comes in, and he's acting super weird."
"Weird how?"
"Like, just saying we were the best and stuff. But he seemed miserable. So when he left, I went to go wake up Becky and tell her."
"And what did she say?"
"She said it seemed weird to. But then when I told her how late it was, she quickly pushed me out of the room and told me to come back later."
"Got'cha."
"So in the meantime, I went to go talk to our security guard Alex. We did some digging, and come to find out that HR lady is brand new. But everywhere she goes, certain people never come back."
"Oh Jesus, that's not good."
"Yeah. So then after him, I went back up to go see Becky and…and…"
"Is this the hard part?"
"…the start of it, yeah."
He began to stir around.
"Okay, tell you what."
I lifted his head and began to shift my own body around.
"Nikki, you good? Want me to get up?"
"No no, stay there."
I moved myself further up the bed, and opened my legs.
I placed his head between my thighs and on my waist, as my legs cradled his arms.
"There, is this still comfortable Dean?"
"…yeah, but why?"
"So I could use both hands on you."
I used my palms and fingers to massage both sides of his head and his ears at the same time.
"There, how's that?"
"That's…good…"
I could see his eyes close and blink blissfully.
"This might help. So, you were saying."
"Oh, right. Uh…"
"You went to go see her again?"
"Right. I walk in the door, and she has all the lights off. She tells me she has a surprise for me."
"Uh-huh?"
"The lights come on, and she's…wearing this revealing black dress."
"What the…"
"Yeah, and then she starts saying all these things and walking towards me and…"
"Shh. It's okay. I got you. Take it slow."
"…and I was frozen still. I was terrified of what was going on. But she keeps bringing up the things I've done for and the things I made her feel."
"Like what, what happened with her father and her leg?"
"Yeah, exactly."
"Okay."
"And then…next thing you know we're on the ground. She's…crawling all over me and saying more and more weird things."
"God…okay?"
"And then…she told me she loves me."
I could feel a twitch in my eye, and a stammer in my throat.
"Y-yeah?"
"…and then she started kissing me."
I didn't have any words to say, so I had to look up and stare out the window.
I was focusing so much on rubbing him and not trying to break out in tears.
"…and…and then…I could see the door. It opened up and…and…"
I looked back down, and could see him squeezing his eyes shut tight.
I shuffled my legs around, and barely held him tighter in between my thighs, trying to blanket him as much as I could with my body.
"And…some…flaming…thing came out. It…chased me all the way here."
"It….chased you?"
He didn't say anything. He just nodded.
I began to softly stroke over his closed eyes, I didn't want him to squint so tightly.
"I…was driving through traffic and…and…I thought I was getting away. But I could still hear it. It was still roaring and swearing at me."
My next few breaths were shaky, as my lungs struggled to compensate.
"A-and…what h-happened Dean?"
"I got here, and broke my phone when I fell out of my car."
I looked over and saw his shattered phone on the bedside table.
That was only one more answer out of the many questions I still had.
"It followed me inside, but I beat it to the elevator. I got up near the top but…but…"
I could see his arms and muscles retract, as if he was trying to make himself as small as possible.
"It started…to crush me. Everything was caving in on me…"
I could feel his chest rise and expand with every rapid breath.
"I could feel it crushing me…Nikki I felt all of it…I felt all of it…"
I adjusted myself again, trying to use my warm body to keep him calm.
But I couldn't squeeze him tighter, it wasn't enough anymore.
"But then it opened…I jumped out and hit my fucking head on the wall…"
He raised his arm and placed his hand over the bandage.
"But I was so close…I was almost there….and then…it showed up…it was still there…"
His body fought its way out of my legs.
He wanted to fold himself up and hide away, his hands clawing the sides of his head.
"Hey hey hey. Dean, it's okay. It's okay."
I wrestled my way into his grip, and ripped his hands away from his head.
I wrapped my self with his arms, and cradled him into my chest again.
"It's okay. It's okay."
Within moments, I could feel him settle down.
Muffled by my shirt, I can hear him say
"I'm sorry…sorry…I didn't mean to-"
"Shh. Stop apologizing."
"…okay…okay…"
I could feel his arms shift down, until he could fully grip me at my waist.
"Just tell me Dean."
"It…talked to me. It…was telling me it forgave me. It was apologizing."
"It was?"
"Yeah…and it wanted me to forgive it to. To start over…to be together…"
"Together?"
"…yeah."
"….Dean…what was this thing?"
"…"
"Why did it forgive you? What was all of this about?"
I couldn't hear him respond.
Instead, I heard a smothered whimper.
"…I knew them…I remembered them Nikki…I remember who they were…"
I began to clutch him tighter.
"Who were they Dean?"
But his whimpers began to grow louder.
"I….I…"
"Shh shh."
"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have asked."
"I…God…I…"
All of my methods were running thin.
My lap wasn't strongest enough.
My touch and my grip wasn't enough.
My voice and my embrace wasn't enough.
I didn't want him to explode again, but I couldn't think of another song to sing.
So instead, I asked
"Hey Dean, wanna sing me a song?"
"I…I…huh?"
I could feel him release, and scrape his chin on my chest as he looked up to me.
"I sung you one. Can you sing me one?"
"I…uh…what?"
"Yeah, it's only fair. Right?"
"Uh…um…but I suck at singing."
I couldn't contain my relief as I laughed. I was able to distract him again.
"Fine by me."
"So what are you in the mood for?"
"Uh…I don't know…"
"Well maybe not some hardcore shit. Unless you wanna surprise the hell out of me and start growling and screaming."
"Uh-huh, yeah right."
"Haha, hey man. You never know. So come on, it can be an easy one."
"Umm…well you kind of stole Call Me you jerk."
"Ooh, I see. I just so happened to take the one song you are willing to sing outloud from you. Just by complete random chance. Okay Dean."
"Yeah, that's kind of fucked up."
"Haha, oh well. Do you take requests?"
"….maybe?"
"Sweet…uh…American Pie?"
"Dude, that song is like nine minutes long."
"Fine, touchy. Jesus. Hmm. Baby Got Back?"
"Don't know the whole thing."
"Fuck, okay. Uhh…Moonlight Sonata?"
"Whoa, Nikki. I didn't know you liked Beetho- wait how the fuck can I sing a symphony?"
"Haha, I don't know. Just like hum it or something."
"Nope. Try again."
"Man Dean, this karaoke joint sucks."
"You're telling me."
"Well hey, do you have any thinking juices?"
"Oh, you know what, yeah. I picked some up the other day. Can you get me one?"
"Sure."
"There's a new green one in there I want to try. I think it's apple."
"Cool, can I try one with you?"
"Absolutely."
"Sweet, here you go."
"Thanks."
"Alright, let's give it a shot."
"….oh wow I like this one."
"Oh wow Dean, yeah I like it too."
"I thought it was gonna be more like green apple candy, but it's actually more like apple juice."
"Yeah, it's really good. So, you getting any ideas from it?"
"Nope. Not in the slightest."
"Ah well. Well hey, this could be some liquid courage for you instead at the very least."
"Yeah, maybe."
"So how about genuinely something easy? Ooh! Every Rose Has It's Thorn?"
"Huh. Alright, I think I can do that one."
"Yay! Go on, go on."
"Okay…uh…duh duh duh…"
"Dean, the words aren't 'duh duh duh'."
"Shutup, I'm doing the guitar part."
"Ooh, but Moonlight Sonata is asking too much?"
"Yes actually. Fuck, where was I?"
"You were at 'duh duh duh'."
"Leave me alone. Hold on. Duh…duh duh….duh duh duh…"
"….We?"
"Right. 'We' both lie still….in…in…in the dead of the night."
"There you go."
"Al-although we b-both lie close together….though I tried-wait, fuck."
"Lost it."
"Fuck, I'm sorry."
"Don't need to be sorry. It's okay. Just start over."
"I don't know Nikki, it's hard for me to sing without the music. I'll keep forgetting where I am."
"Okay, you don't gotta do it without the music. You gotta speaker somewhere?"
"Uhhh, yeah. Should be in this drawer in my desk. Let me see….here it is!"
"Oh yay, I'm so excited."
"Turn it on, there we go. Alright let me pair it with…"
"Dean? What's up?"
"…my phone is busted."
"Aah shit, right. It's okay, we can use mine."
"Cool, got'cha. It's in pairing mode now."
"Okay and…cool. Connected."
"Cool."
"How loud does this thing go?"
"It's pretty loud actually for how small it is."
"Sweet. Here, let me just test it- fuck!"
"Fuck!"
"Sorry! Sorry! Fuck, why was it on max volume already!?"
"Why did you test it with Metallica?!"
"I didn't do it on purpose Dean! It was just the current song on the fucking playlist or something. I didn't even know that song."
"Alright, alright. Okay, let me put it all the way down first. Now try again."
"Alright. Nah, little more. Little more. Little more."
"Alright, is that good?"
"Well that's up to you Dean. Think you can sing over that?"
"Uhh…okay maybe a little more then."
"Alright, that should be enough. Don't want to torture the neighbors."
"Okay, got'cha."
"Go on, take a few more sips. Let me find the song."
"Umm…actually Nikki…"
"Hmm?"
"Maybe we should pick something else."
"Something else? Don't wanna sing every rose?"
"Yeah, I don't know. I don't think I know it as well as I think I do."
"Alright, alright. No big deal. So what do you have in mind?"
"Um…"
"Look, here. They have playlists from like the eighties, nineties, and early two-thousands. Pick one, and we'll skim through."
"Alright, sure. That's not a bad idea. Umm….fuck it. Go early two thousands."
"You got it. Here we go, here's the first one."
"Nah. Nah. Nah. Nah."
"Jesus, do you know any early two thousands Dean?"
"Yeah, just not any of these so far."
"Alright, we'll keep going."
"Nah. Nah. Nah…wait…"
"Oh, do you know this one? I don't, but it sounds catchy so far."
"I…hold on…"
"Says its called Spare Me The Details by The Offspring. Huh, never heard of this-"
"No! No! Not this one!"
"Whoa whoa whoa, okay. Okay. I'll skip it. Jesus, what's the matter?"
"Not…not that one…not that one…"
"Dean, you good? You know that song?"
"….just not that one…"
"Was it really that bad? It didn't sound too bad so far."
"Please Nikki, just skip it."
"Okay, okay. I'll keep going."
"…"
"This one then?"
"…"
"…Dean?"
"…"
"Is that a no?"
"…"
"I'll take that as a no. Moving on."
"…go back."
"Huh?"
"Go back. Do The Offspring one."
"The Offspring one? You sure?"
"…yeah."
"How come you changed your mind?"
"I…I just…I feel like I need to."
"Oh…okay. Uh…cool. I'll go back to it then."
As the sounds of various tom-drums and cowbells boomed from the speaker, both of their postures changed.
Dean's arms drooped and collapsed at his sides, while Nikki held hers up as she danced with her shoulders.
As guitars and bass joined in, Nikki looked at Dean, recognizing his empty embarrassed stare.
She stood up, and faced away from him as she went to put her drink on the table. She was giving him a chance to sing alone.
As the first few lyrics were about to begin, Dean took a long but weak breath in.
It was more than just the oxygen he needed, but also the strength and the will.
My Girlfriend, my dumb donut.
Went up to a party just the other night.
But three hours later, and seven shots of Jaeger.
She was in the bedroom with another guy.
The lyrics caught Nikki's attention.
Turning around, the rhythm and groove still influencing her movements.
"Oh whoa, what?"
The shift in tone from the words to the bouncing music got her to smile in a mild confusion.
She could see Dean kneeling on the bed, his focus seeming to come back to him.
And I don't really wanna know.
So don't tell me anymore.
And I really don't wanna hear,
About her feet all up in the air.
He wasn't singing at full voice, his effort more honed in on audibly saying the words out loud.
But a quick peek at a dancing Nikki put a grin to one side of his mouth, bringing out more of his natural voice for the chorus.
And well, I'm not the one who acted like a hoe.
Why must I be the one who has to know?
I'm not the one who messed up big time.
So Spare Me The Details if you don't mind.
As the lyrics and voices rested for a moment, Nikki sat on the bed beside Dean.
"This song is wild, it sounds happy but it's like, depressing at the same time."
With a grin and a nod, Dean didn't have the chance to respond before the song dragged him out of their brief conversation.
Now I can understand friends who wanna tell me.
Think they're gonna help me open up my eyes.
But the play by play makes me wanna lose it.
Every time you do it man, it turns the knife.
Dean looked at Nikki, hoping to see her dancing again.
But when he was instead met with her gaze, he had to shuffle away and keep her out of sight.
The next few lyrics were weaker, as he tried to hide his voice from her again.
And I don't really wanna know.
So don't tell me anymore.
And I really don't wanna hear,
About her feet all up in the air.
Nikki knew better than to fight her way back into his attention.
She wanted to hear his voice, not his restraint.
So she patiently remained where she sat, and allowed his voice to come back out.
And well I'm not the one who acted like a hoe.
Why must I be the one who has to know?
I'm not the one who messed up big time.
So Spare Me The Details if you don't mind.
Heavier guitars and drums began to pound their way into the rhythm.
Nikki could see Dean slump down, as if the weight of the new sounds were draped over his shoulders as well.
"Dean?"
But yet, even though there were no lyrics to bind his tongue, he didn't respond to her.
Facing away from her, the music continuing to pound down on him.
Now I don't need to hear about the sounds they were making.
And I don't need to hear about how long it was taking.
The final elongated syllables were staggered by him.
Dean gripped the blanket with his hands, digging into it like claws. Nikki was unsure if the grip was keeping him up or keeping him down.
And as Dean struggled to roar the final verse of the bridge, she began to wonder if this was more than just a random song on a random playlist.
Or how the walls they were shaking.
The music returned to its smooth, deceitful melody.
With a moment to respite, Nikki reached out to him.
"…Dean?"
But with just a soft touch on his back, he recoiled further away from her.
His shoulder and arms almost smacking her hand away.
With every other hit on the snare drum, every other few strums on the strings, she can see Dean's body react.
He began to project his voice away from her, throwing it against the far wall.
Now lying in bed, wallowing in sorrow.
Missing the tomorrow that we could have had.
Running through my head, over and over.
Things I never told her now just makes me sad.
As the verses continued, his head would get lower and lower.
His limbs struggled to keep him upright.
His body began to quiver, his words and voice fighting through the trenches of his emotions.
Exchanging syllables for breaths.
And it drives me insane, sitting with a vision.
Stuck with that image burned into my brain.
And it feels so dumb that I could ever trust her,
Nikki couldn't hear Dean over the song anymore.
She tried to get close again, unsure if she should reach out again or turn it off.
But then on the next verse, his body rocketed up.
His voice now a quivering roar.
The droplets of tears reflecting the moon as they floated across the room.
His veins bulging from his hands as he squeezed the blanket as hard as he could.
Fighting through his restraint, breaking free from his own hesitation, he howled.
When someone else fucked her, then I walked away.
The song continued to play, not waiting for him to catch up.
The lyrics pressed on, while his cries and sorrow consumed any words he wanted to say.
And I don't really wanna know.
So don't tell me anymore.
And I really don't wanna hear.
About her feet all up in the air.
Screaming towards the moon, Dean didn't have the strength to wipe his tears away.
He didn't have the strength to close his mouth.
He didn't have the strength to open his eyes.
And so I'm not the one who acted like a hoe.
Why must I be the one who has to know?
I'm not the one who messed up big time.
Sitting in this dark room, a tidal wave of music and his cries crashing around her heart, Nikki had to quietly absorb everything.
She looked at him.
She listened to the song.
She thought about what the lyrics said.
She thought about what was happening to Dean.
What has happened to Dean.
And as the final verse of the last chorus bellowed out, everything hit her like a hammer.
So Spare Me The Details if you don't mind.
This wasn't just a song.
It was a confession.
Cause I don't wanna know.
I don't wanna know.
Nikki dove forward, clutching Dean from behind.
His body jerking violently, trying to buck her off like a bull.
But Nikki held on, refusing to let go.
And as the lyrics themselves painfully cried out, Dean's own cries followed along.
I don't wanna know.
Spare Me The Details if you don't mind.
Nikki squeezed Dean as tight as she could.
Trying to expunge his pain from him as quickly as she could, while also trying to bear whatever burden she could as well.
Her own tears being absorbed by his shirt, his body soaking in her sympathy.
His grief louder than the music.
With one final cry, a few more soft snaps of the drums, the song began to fade away.
I don't wanna know.
And as the final notes hummed, and the dark apartment became a silent chamber yet again, Dean's sorrow melted down into labored whimpers.
"…"
"…"
"…"
"…"
"…Dean?"
"…"
"…"
"…"
"…the voice you heard."
"…"
"…"
"…"
"….the monster behind the door."
"…"
"…"
"…"
"…who was it?"
"…"
"…"
"…"
"…"
"….she was my girlfriend…"
"…"
"…"
"…"
"…"
"…what happened?"
"…"
"…"
"…"
"…"
"…I killed her."