Right Where You Left Me
I hug Laurel goodbye then I head straight to my car.
Ever since my brother had made his grand announcement at the restaurant, I found it hard to catch my breath. Each step felt heavier than the last. My mind torments my heart, replaying it all over and over again like a broken record. How the entire restaurant had gone silent. How it felt like the walls were closing in. The pain in my chest when I saw the ring on her finger. The way they looked at each other. I couldn't bring myself to say goodbye so I had driven away from them without looking back. What was there to say? They were engaged. They were happy.
This was a mistake, I grip the steering wheel tight. Coming back here was a mistake. I knew it was a bad idea but I just never thought it would come to this.
My brother was marrying my girl.
Not just any girl but the only girl I had ever truly thought about. Ever loved.
And I couldn't do a damn thing about it because I had promised.
Take care of him Connie, I'm counting on you.
Because I cared for my brother's happiness at the expense of my own.
I give myself a harsh reality check as I drive away. I remind myself that I don't get a say in this. This was happening whether I liked it or not. I was the one who had pushed them together after all. What right did I have to be upset? What right did I have to tell them what to do with their lives? My mom would want us to be happy for them and I would keep my promises to her. I wouldn't interfere. I would keep a healthy distance but I would be lying if I said it wasn't taking everything in me to not turn this car around.
The news had completely blindsided me. It had blindsided all of us. Laurel. Steven. My dad. Jeremiah wasn't thinking this through. They were too young. Far too young. I knew my brother loved her but he wasn't ready to make a commitment like that. What kind of life could he give her when he didn't even have a job? And beyond that, I couldn't shake the feeling that there was something terribly wrong. What was the rush? Why couldn't they just move in together first? It felt like I was missing half of the story but I remind myself again it wasn't my place to worry about them. In fact, it was none of my business. They were in love. They were going to do whatever they wanted to do regardless of what anyone thinks. I just wish they would have listened to Laurel and my dad though. What were the hell were they trying to prove?
I drive along the water and into town for a couple of hours to clear my head. To find some sort of clarity but there is no use because everything I see. Everything I do. Every song that comes on the radio. Every thought I have. It all leads back to her. Belly.
And it's absolute torture to realize I will never get to call her mine ever again.
I will never get to hold her hand. I will never get to run my fingers through her long hair. I would never get to tell her all of the things that I had wanted to say to her. I would never get to make things right. Because after an announcement like that, now there was a mountain between us.
I find myself back at the garden. I couldn't go back to the house. Everyone had left the garden by now so it was just me and the flowers. I walk around with my hands in my pockets for awhile, feeling lost. I had come here because I was having a "I need my mom" moment but she was nowhere to be found. I couldn't feel her close like I had at the garden ceremony this morning. I watch the bees roam around the flowers and the sunshine hide behind the clouds.
Where are you? My heart cries for her. I need you.
I sit on a bench and I look up at the sky, wishing more than anything I could talk to her right now.
What would she say about all of this? What would she tell me to do? What would she say to the fact that I was in love with someone I could never have? That I was in love with the girl my brother is engaged to?
I whisper to the sky, fighting the tears in my eyes. "Mom?"
I watch the clouds part in the sky as I wait for her answer. I wait for some sort of signal. A sign. But it never comes. The longer I wait, the more heartbroken I feel. The more pathetic I feel. The more alone I feel. The pain in my chest and heart becomes insufferable. It takes over.
And I just lose it. I sob with my face in my hands all alone on the bench.
I cry for her. I cry for Belly. I cry for myself. I cry for what will never be.
It's a known fact in life you can't have everything.
And I had just lost my everything. I would never love another girl the way I had loved Belly. I could see it all so clearly now and it was devastating. My heart had died along with our love in that restaurant and I was forever changed. It was the day my world had stopped turning.
(Right Where You Left Me by Taylor Swift plays muffled on the car radio)
Friends break up, friends get married
Strangers get born, strangers get buried
Trends change, rumors fly through new skies
But I'm right where you left me
Matches burn after the other
Pages turn and stick to each other
Wages earned and lessons learned
But I, I'm right where you left me
Help, I'm still at the restaurant
Still sitting in a corner I haunt
Cross-legged in the dim light
They say, "What a sad sight"
I, I swear you could hear a hair pin drop
Right when I felt the moment stop
Glass shattered on the white cloth
Everybody moved on
I, I stayed there
Dust collected on my pinned-up hair
They expected me to find somewhere
Some perspective, but I sat and stared