Something was missing.
A progression, a discussion, an enlightenment. A hug that brought no closure to her spirit nor erased her doubts. Not completely ease her mind. She needed it, she wanted it. But she needed to put her heart to rest in some other way.
Required advice. And thought of someone right away, who used to give the best advice for any type of hard situation. The mother of their friend group. The person she knew was her brother's first love and Takeru's brother last. Sora.
Hikari first wanted to call, but reevaluated the position that she was on, and decided to text asking if she could meet her in person. Some things are simply better discussed face to face, eye to eye. Feeling the other person's empathy and seeing their facial expressions while reasoning runs.
Sora didn't even take 10 minutes to respond the message. Did she sound too alarmed? Or too desperate?
"I'll be home all Saturday. Take as much time as you want and as you need, I have plenty." Followed by a pink heart emoji.
Sora was always so incredibly soft and solidary. Always available to help, even with tight work schedules, and meticulously studying the future she wanted to build. No wonder Taichi and Yamato loved her for so long.
"Thank you so much Sora! I will be arriving after lunch time, early afternoon. I promise it won't take too long!" Followed by a red heart emoji. Perfect. Finally, she will let herself speak about it for the first time. That thought made her a little nervous, honestly.
As much as she knew it was necessary, Hikari still had troubles opening her feelings to others. It still felt uncomfortable hearing her own thoughts out loud. Messed up argumentative lines, misplaced words, long silences. Failed attempts to explain what seemed inexplicable. Giving up. Quit easily. Self-sabotage.
It was a process, she emphasised to herself pretty much every day. A time-consuming process. But still imperative. Baby steps, little by little, small progresses flourished.
She walked slowly to Sora's house. Mentally preparing what she would say, how she would say. A flawless script. Not that it was difficult to explain, but she wanted to not sound foolish.
Everything simply evaporated from her mind when she arrived. Great. Took a deep breath and rang the bell.
"Hikari!" A very radiant voice welcomed her. It was impossible not to smile and feel loved. Sora was the personification of lovely. "Come inside! I was making some tea; would you like to have some?"
"Sure! What kind of tea is it?"
Chamomile. Of course. Perfect when it comes to avoid nerve wrecks.
"I am alone at home, but let's talk in my bedroom anyway. It's more comfortable. Can you help me with the tea?"
"Yes of course! And thank you so much for your time!"
"You don't have to thank me, I'm always here for whatever you need. Would you kindly be able to bring the cups? I take the pot of tea and biscuits" A plate with Sembei biscuits was placed right next to the pot of tea.
They calmly walked to Sora's room. She closed the door as soon as they arrived.
A small table sat in the centre of the room was waiting for them, with two pads on the floor, one on each side of the table. There was an undeniable effort to make everything look as welcoming as possible.
"Make yourself comfortable!" Sora said while placing the pot of tea and the biscuits plate on the table. "I hope you like the tea and the biscuits; I didn't know what to prepare so I went for the safest option."
"You didn't need to bother; I just needed your company."
"I am so glad you came; we didn't spoke in such a long time!"
Sora sat in front of her and started pouring the tea into the cups.
"I know right? And I am sorry if I am taking time from you that you might need for…"
"Oh Hikari, you have no idea how I really need and missed these moments. Just to talk to a friend and having them around. So don't apologising, really, I am very happy that you came! So…" She handed her the cup of tea, with small pieces of the tea plant floating calmly inside of it, contrasting with Hikari's flustered emotions. "You said you needed to talk about something important, what could it be?"
"Honestly, I don't even know where to start…" Hikari sighed, inhaling the smell of the tea to calm her nerves.
"Take your time" Sora smiled, and it filled Hikari's heart with a warm kind feeling of comfort. "Is it something that happened recently or have been happening?"
"Actually, it has been happening for quit sometime, but before getting there… How can I say this..."
Sora remained silent, not wanting to pressure Hikari into saying anything she didn't feel comfortable or prepared for. Hikari was stirring the tea with a spoon and looked away.
"Promise me not to tell anyone about this… specially Yamato."
"Oh, of course not…" Sora's voice tone changed, and she could sense the intrigue in it. "But why specially Yamato?"
"It was to do with Takeru." Said finally, feeling some of the weight she carried on her shoulders finally fall.
"Takeru? I think I know where this is going… "Sora laughed a little bit.
"You know? Did he tell you what happened?"
"No, he did not tell me anything, but I can imagine. But please continue, at the end I will explain you everything that I have in my mind."
"Ok." She said suspiciously." Well, since the beginning of high school, Takeru has become very popular, and when I say very, I say immensely, popular. Mostly around, girls. To the point that he receives several loves letters every single week."
"Oh really? That much? I mean, he is a very sympathetic person with a gentle eye-catching personality, always cordial and courteous… how do you feel about all of that?"
"At first, I didn't pay much attention, I thought it was normal, for the reasons you mentioned mostly. But lately it has been bothering me a little bit…" Took a sip of the tea, to give Sora space to say something.
"And why is it? Is because you are afraid that he will distance himself from you, or is he acting any differently now that he is receiving a different type of attention?"
"I don't feel like he is acting differently than before, and I do admire him for the way he deals with his recent popularity, always being careful with the words he uses and always being humble despite everything. A lot of boys would've taken advantage of the girls and probably hurt them."
"Takeru is a soft soul; I don't believe he would do that. "
"Neither do I. But I keep imagining that one day he might give one of them a chance. And start really… love someone."
"And that is a completely plausible scenario." She took a Sembei biscuit from the plate and broke it in half. "Soner or later, he will find someone he really likes. And will go on dates with her, spend time with her…" Continue to talk while eating.
That was exactly what she was afraid of. Felt her heart sinking a little and her throat started burning. Sora was undeniable right.
"… and that makes you feel nauseous, right?" Sora finished.
"Yes, a little bit."
"Do you want to be that person?"
"I cannot be that person Sora, that is not even an option."
"Why not?"
"Well, because…" Hikari began to search in her mind for the best words to describe what she had been feeling in the last few months. A tough but sincere analysis. "Because that could do more harm than good. We have been friends for many years, and we have an incredible friendship. Our connect is rare, and I don't want to destroy it. I don't want to hurt him if I'm not able to be... enough for him.
"I sincerely understand you, Hikari, seriously. I went through something similar when I started to date Yamato, but you know, when you really love someone, the best thing you can do for them and for yourself is to be honest about those feelings. "
"You cannot imagine how betrayed by myself I felt when I realized that… I was falling for Takeru."
"I can imagine. Have you thought about... exposing it to him? Do you think he might feel something as well?
"I don't know… I never really planed on saying anything but a few days ago, he received another love letter from a girl he rejected, and I think that now he suspects that I might like him because of the way I acted around it."
"What did you do?"
"I was so tired of pretending that I was ok with all of that. The love letters, the girl's whispers whenever he passes by them in the hallways, him pretending that nothing was going on. My feelings simply boiled up and I couldn't take them anymore. I distanced myself the rest of the day and avoid Takeru as much as I could. And I know what you might be thinking! Like, what a stupid thing to do! But I just couldn't stand it anymore.
"Oh Hikari, I understand you so well, I felt that too. Yamato had the band, and the band was a huge success for a long time. "Sora looked around, remembering the days before she confessed herself to Yamato. "Too many girls, too many concert, and too much pressure on me to be perfect. I almost gave up on him because of that. But I was being overcome by fear, just like I think you are. "
"Do you think he will be ok with me… confessing all of this? The last thing I want to do is mess up with our friendship."
"I believe that your connection is unique enough to make those feelings you have something much more than you expect, Hikari, you just have to let them do their magic."
"I can agree with you… but why is it so hard? To just be honest?"
"Sometimes your feelings can eat you alive if you don't get them out of your chest. Even if you try to ignore them, they will still exist."
Hikari continued stirring her tea impatiently. Seemed infinitely easier said than done.
"I need more sugar, otherwise I'll have a drop in my blood pressure." She took tiny cube of sugar out of a small pink jar that was on the table.
"Do you know what I was referring to earlier? Everyone expected you to fall in love with each other Hikari, it seemed beautifully inevitable. You built something that very few people experience in a lifetime."
"Beautifully ironic if you ask me. "
"You should romanticize it more, maybe it was fate that brought you together, at the right time, at the right place. I mean, who knows. And even if it was just a coincidence… what an incredible one."
"You cannot romanticize total chaos, Sora."
"Oh, how dramatic!"
Hikari rolled her eyes while Sora kept laughing at her facing expressions.
Time went by and they kept sharing memories and advice, in a light tone that almost gave Hikari total certainty that what she was going to do was the right decision. What else could she do? The worst that could happen was that her feelings weren't reciprocated, which Sora dismissed almost immediately. It was either that or lose the opportunity to be honest and see Takeru with someone other than her in the future. You do what you need to do.
・。。・゜゜・。。・
Another week came a way too fast. The weekend was so fastmoving that Hikari did not even notice until Sunday night, when she was preparing her materials for school, and remembered everything she had shared with Sora. Now that the morning was dawned, she will have to go and face him. She had a little knot in her stomach and even her mother noticed that she had barely eaten breakfast.
"Come on Hikari, you got this!"
She asserted in waiting for the ideal occasion, and deliberately waited for the classes to finish.
Takeru noticed her impatience throughout the day. She seemed far, far away from him. Tried to catch her eye multiple times unsuccessfully and could not tell where she was in the intervals between classes. He expected everything to be back to normal, posterior to what happened. It was clearly not, something strange hovered over them. To convoluted for him to decipher. Yet.
"Can you wait for me, after class?"
Hikari was right behind him, standing, speaking graciously and quietly. He was sitting in his desk, waiting for the teacher to come and to start the last lesson of the day.
"Of course, is everything ok?"
Tried not to sound too analytic. Maybe a bit causally worried. She smiled. He knew she had done it on purpose. The distance, the quietude all day long, no mention of the love letters or that afternoon after class. Hikari laid the emotional groundwork.
"Yes, I only need a moment with you, alone. To talk."
"Sure, I may need it too." He played her back.Felt the tension build, while observing her confused expression. She did not expect that, and it was apparent.
"Wait for me then."
Perceived her go to her sit. There was something stimulating about her existence and the way she simply was. Whenever he could, he looked at her distractedly. In her most natural way of being. For as long as he could remember, he had admired her. Beautifully soft, gracefully strong. Consciously vulnerable.
The school bell rang, and Takeru did not want to wait much longer. He packed his things and got up, heading towards her.
"Follow me, I can think of a better place for us to talk."
That was certainly unexpected. Decided to trust him, and packed her things quickly as well, and hold his hand. Together they walked out of the room, waving Daisuke goodbye, leaving him with a strange feeling that something was about to change.
"Where are we going?"
"To a part of the school where no one had classes today."
They went down to the top floor, still holding hands. Hikari felt her knees getting weaker and her hands were sweating. She tried to breathe slowly, but it was difficult, mainly because of the speed at which Takeru was pulling her. They passed through several rooms and entered the last one in the corner. He was right, it looked like no one had used those rooms that day. Everything was tidy and quiet.
"These rooms belong to the art and sculpture clubs. They only come from Tuesday to Thursday. We are safe."
He let go of her hand to open the door. Courteously, he let her in first and followed. They went to the end of the room and placed their backpacks on the table in the right corner, which was next to the window.
The entire room was filled with shades of orange and brown. Carnelian. A slightly stuffy environment, with a little dust visually hung in the air.
Takeru leaned on the edge of the table and looked at Hikari, waiting for her to feel comfortable enough to look at him. She leaned against the windowsill and avoided his eyes, trying to calm herself first. Stretched her back a little and relaxed her shoulders. Took a very deep and loud breath.
"Takeru… I don't even know how to start… I"
"Look at me, please."
She looked up to meet his eyes. They brough her an uncomfortable cosiness.
Maybe due to the sunset colour pallet, his eyes seemed more crystal clear now, an angelic blue. The orange touch of his freckles contrasted with the blonde of his hair in a melodical way. Would it be too pathetic to want to hug him again?
"I missed you today." Takeru broke the silence. "I don't know what you are thinking, but I hate feeling you distant."
"I missed you too." Hikari said honestly. "I've been wondering all day how to ask you to talk about what happened, last week."
"I thought about the possibility of that being the case."
"Takeru, I just don't want to ruin our friendship because of my selfishness."
"I think we should have talked about this sooner. We could have avoided misunderstandings and…discomfort."
"That's not an easy conversation to have" She looked out the window. No one was around, but she bet their colleagues were all on their way home.
"I understand, and please be as sincere as you need. I don't mind being a little hurt" He laughed. "If you do is because I probably deserved it. "
"First of all, I want to apologise for the way I handled what happen the other day. I think I took it too… personally." The words came out choppy, as if she was trying to force them out. "I just don't want to lose a… friend, as special as you are to me."
Hikari waited for a reaction. His face was neutral, until he started laughing.
"Takeru… I am being serious…"
"I know, I know, am sorry but…"
He pushed himself off the table and approached her. He placed one hand on each side of her body, leaning on the windowsill, facing her and looking into her eyes.
Her pale skin felt like snow. Light brown eyes, light brown hair. A scent of vanilla and coffee. Hikari was calmness, even when was being drowned by an ocean of insecurities he never really saw as such. Her lips were dry, probably from impatience to express herself. He did not mind, she looked as perfect as always.
Hikari let her weight fall onto her back, she had no space to move away from him. He was close, leaning down a bit to reach her height.
"What you are telling me is… and please correct me if I am wrong." His lips move slowly, and those words came out like a whisper.
Hikari looked at his lips first, and then his eyes.
"You've been jealous… can we call it jealous? All this time because of those letters, and yet you say we're…friends?"
"What do you mean?"
Her eyes went down to his lips once again. Whole body shaking from anxiety. Felt his breath close, very close.
"Can you guess?"
Takeru slid a hand to her cheek and placed his lips on hers. Quickly.
One
"Don't go yet."
Hikari whispered, when she felt the kiss breaking. Locked their lips once again. A much longer contact. Warm, humid. Her hands pressed in the windowsill. His hand still in her cheek. Felt the other hand reach her waist, pressing it.
Two
"What are the chances of someone showing up here?" She asked, as an excuse to get some air. Her cheeks were burning. Their bodies were burning.
"None. Literally none." The urge in his voice.They've wanted each other for too long. It took them to much time to reach to that.
Three
Hikari put her arms around his neck and let him carry most of their weight. Takeru struggled not to take his hands off her waist and go further. Their noses bumped many times.
They let go for a moment, going for a small perfunctory kiss afterward.
Four
They remained hugged, wanting to eternalize that moment. His head on her right shoulder, hers on his chest. Takeru was inhaling as deeply as he could, pressing on hand flat against her back, smelling her vanilla accent. Their heartbeats synchronized. A powerful feeling that was as beautiful as dangerous, terrifying even. Terrifyingly human.
The heat, the excitement, the nervousness. They had it all, they had each other.