I'm trying to finish my story "Despair" and I'm stuck partway through the last chapter (as it so often happens with my stories). It's driving me crazy because I feel like I've written myself into a corner and I don't know how to get out of it, so I thought I would take a break to write something fluffy and silly instead. Thank you to the readers who have left such kind comments on that story.
I know some readers prefer friendship stories, but this one definitely can't be classified as friendship (I honestly don't know what it can be classified as, lol) so please be aware of that before reading. But I'll continue to write a combination of both friendship and romance stories, so there is something for both friendship fans and romance fans. :)
I will admit that this story is really, really dumb, lol. I'm just not in the mood for angst right now. It takes place during "We Dream of Machine Elves" (season 21, episode 8) when Olivia finds Amanda in the bedroom at Dr. Adler's house.
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"I can fly higher than an eagle,
For you are the wind beneath my wings"
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As soon as Amanda removes her glasses and the squad loses visual contact, they are up and out of the van in a flash, Fin and Kat right on Olivia's heels as they race into the brownstone. She locates Amanda immediately within the crowd of students as she raises her gun, the blonde detective sitting with Dr. Adler and his daughter and looking quite composed. The room erupts into chaos as Olivia tries to keep an eye on Amanda while Kat arrests Adler, feeling unsettled rather than relieved when Amanda assures her that she is okay and didn't inhale the DMT.
When the smaller woman wanders away from the group and out of the room, Olivia knows that something isn't right and is hot on her detective's trail, intent on catching up with her and keeping her under strict supervision. Upon locating Amanda in a nearby bedroom a moment later, she finds her standing stock-still and staring up in wonder at a taxidermy hawk hanging from the ceiling.
"Rollins." Olivia lays a gentle hand on her shoulder, trying to re-direct Amanda's attention as she scrutinizes her delicate features for anything amiss. "Rollins. Hey."
"Look at the hawk, Liv," Amanda breathes with a crooked smile, pointing toward the bird with a noticeably shaking finger.
"Yes, I see it. Are you sure you're okay?"
"It's magnificent," Amanda says in awe, continuing to stare rapturously at the creature as if Olivia hasn't spoken. "It's almost like it's actually flying, like you can see the wind beneath its wings." Her head tilts to the side, blonde brows pulling together in a frown as if an interesting thought has just occurred to her. "Wait a minute, isn't that a song?"
"I don't know," Olivia mutters distractedly, preoccupied with trying to keep Amanda on her feet when the younger woman wobbles slightly like she might lose her balance and go sprawling onto the floor.
"It is!" Amanda confirms brightly, turning to Olivia with an explosion of excitement that startles her. "By Betty Middleton, right?"
"You mean Bette Midler?" Olivia corrects with a quirked eyebrow.
"Isn't that what I just said?"
"Sure," Olivia agrees with a sigh and a roll of her eyes, feeling a swell of impatience as she listens to the commotion in the next room and knowing they can't linger in here for much longer; that Fin and Kat need her assistance.
She tries to get Amanda moving toward the door but the other woman won't budge, her feet planted stubbornly on the ground and her blue eyes hazy when they lock gazes.
"You know what, Liv? You're the wind beneath my wings," Amanda says solemnly, placing a trembling hand on her arm and looking at her so earnestly that Olivia just stares back with her mouth agape, dumbstruck.
"Oh, Jesus."
"No, it's Betty Middleton," Amanda reiterates firmly, giving her a shake. "I don't think Jesus sang that one."
"Amanda, I'm going to have to ask you to stop talking for a little while, okay?" Olivia is torn between laughter, frustration and anger at the absurdity of a situation that is Amanda's own making, clasping onto her hand and intent on leading her slowly out of the room and away from this house.
"No problem, Liv. You probably need to do your captain stuff, right? You're such a busy lady and I don't want to get in the way of your important work. I promise I won't talk anymore. You can count on me to keep quiet."
Olivia breathes a sigh of relief as they take a couple of careful steps toward the door together, but has a sinking feeling that the silence and co-operation are going to be extremely short-lived.
She is proven right a split second later when Amanda opens her mouth and begins singing "Wind Beneath My Wings" in an off-key warble, or some passing rendition of it.
"You are massacring that song, 'Manda," Fin states bluntly as she strides into the room, sending Olivia a questioning look as he inclines his head toward their younger co-worker. "It sounds like there's like a cat being run over by a lawnmower in here."
"Thanks for that lovely visual, Fin," Olivia remarks wryly, fighting the urge to cover her ears in an effort to block out the wailing that is meant to pass for singing.
"How's our girl doing?"
"Well, even though she says otherwise, it's more than obvious that she's under the influence." Olivia gestures at Amanda with one hand while keeping the other hand clutched firmly around a slender wrist.
"You think?" Fin arches an eyebrow as he points to their colleague who is now resting a palm on her chest with her fingers splayed over her heart as she belts out the song with passionate gusto, and Olivia can't help the weary smirk that pulls at her lips.
"Fin, did you know that Liv is the wind beneath my wings?" Amanda inquires innocently as she stops abruptly at another chorus of the song. "And that's why I'm singing this? It's an ode to my captain. Oh captain, my captain."
"No, I was not aware of that," Fin snorts in response, Olivia catching the curious look on his face out of the corner of her eye when she fixes her gaze on Amanda again. "Liv's pretty amazing, isn't she?"
"She's the best." Amanda's voice and expression could not be more serious now, Olivia's lips twitching as she watches her. "The best boss in the whole world, the best friend in the whole world, and the best lover in the whole world."
Olivia chokes on her saliva as the smile instantly disappears from her face, caught completely off-guard by this random and untrue reply, shaking her head vigorously at Fin as he stares at her in surprise. "No, Amanda, no." She struggles to get the words out as her brain whirls in confusing circles and she grapples with this new and erratic version of her detective. "You know that isn't true."
"Yes, it is!" Amanda appears somewhat agitated now, trying to pull her arm out of Olivia's grasp. "You are the best boss and friend in the world."
"I-I meant the...other part," Olivia murmurs haltingly, wishing the floor would open up and swallow her, saving her from this mortification as she struggles to hold onto Amanda and keep her calm.
"The lover part?" Fin supplies helpfully, a cheeky grin on his face now.
"Thank you again, Fin," Olivia sighs with another roll of her eyes. "Yes, that part. It's entirely untrue."
"You don't need to put yourself down like that, Liv." Amanda has a hand on her shoulder now and is squeezing gently, as if trying to impart some consolation. "Don't sell yourself short, okay? I haven't had the pleasure of your company in the particular way yet, but seeing as you're so good at everything else, I'm just assuming you'd be very skilled and tender in the sack. It's a natural assumption, is it not?"
"Amanda!" Olivia's voice is sharp now as she tries to ignore Fin's shocked burst of laughter and rein this inappropriate discussion in before it spirals even further out of control. "That's enough! I told you to stop talking, remember?"
"Do you want me to sing again instead?"
"No," Olivia and Fin reply in stern unison.
"Fine, then." Amanda gives an injured sniff, crossing her arms over her chest as she hunches her shoulders and her lower lip protrudes in a pout.
"We need to get her out of here," Fin says briskly, sounding torn between amusement and concern as he gazes down at the small blonde sheltered protectively between them, both pairs of arms wrapped around her now as they attempt to keep her upright.
"Yes, right now." Olivia nods vigorously in agreement, trying in vain to make Amanda take another step toward the door. "But we need some more help in there to deal with everyone else. I'll get Amanda outside and you get back to the others, okay?"
"Are you going to be alright with her, Liv?" Fin frowns deeply, seemingly unconvinced that his boss is capable of handling their colleague in her unruly condition.
"I'll be fine." She tries to infuse a note of confidence into her tone, but Amanda is currently staring at her like she has not only hung the moon but all of the stars as well, and she knows she's going to have her work cut out for her.
"Are you mad at me?" Amanda whimpers as Olivia hustles her out of the house and into the back of the van as quickly and safely as possible, getting in behind her and slamming the door shut. "Because I inhaled?"
"Well, I'm not happy," Olivia replies truthfully, although she makes sure to keep her tone light while Amanda is under the influence and not acting like herself. "Especially since you just told me that you didn't inhale."
"Please don't be mad." Olivia is surprised to hear the crack in Amanda's voice and see her blinking back tears as she gets the smaller woman settled into one of the seats and then crouches down beside her. "I'll never do drugs again, Liv, I swear. Cross my heart and hope to die." She pauses to perform the action with dramatic movements, her blue eyes wide and her pupils dilated. "Have I ruined our chances of being together?"
"I...what?" Olivia pinches the bridge of her nose, unable to keep up with this ludicrous conversation as her heart begins to pound nervously, feeling quite out of her depth at the moment. "Where is this coming from?"
Instead of a verbal response, she feels a foot sliding against her own and looks down to see Amanda's shoe grazing back and forth across hers, the rubbing of the material inducing a squeaky noise that echoes throughout the interior of the vehicle.
"Amanda, what are you doing?" she asks wearily, getting to her feet and shifting away from her in an attempt to put as much space as possible between them in such a tiny area.
"Playing footsies," Amanda giggles with a shrug, the sound tinkling and girlish and nothing like her tough-as-nails detective.
"Why?"
Amanda cups a hand around her mouth and motions for Olivia to lean in close, her voice coming out in an overly loud and obnoxious whisper into her ear. "Because I'm flirting with you."
"There's no time for that," Olivia says sternly, backing warily away again. "We need to get you to the hospital."
"No hospital," Amanda sulks grouchily, stamping her foot on the ground in a fit of temper. "Will there be time later?"
"For what?"
"For flirting, silly."
"No."
"What about lovemaking?"
Olivia has never had to work so hard to keep a straight face and not to react in any way, shape or form to what her detective is saying, her heart knocking wildly against her rib cage. "Amanda, if I said no to flirting, do you really think I would say yes to that? And do you really think is an appropriate discussion to be having right now?"
She looks closely at her detective, wondering if this conversation is solely a product of the drugs or if there is something more lingering underneath; something deeper that Amanda has kept hidden from her. She has to admit that she would not be opposed to the idea under different circumstances and that Amanda is ridiculously adorable in her undercover outfit, with her little white sweater and mussed blonde hair, the glasses she had been wearing earlier completing the look perfectly. Her feelings for the other woman have gone far beyond friendship for quite awhile now, but there could not possibly be a worse time to be bringing all of this up, and Olivia wonders if there will ever be a good time to contemplate broaching this complicated subject, especially considering she is Amanda's boss.
"I was just wondering if you would bring your handcuffs to bed. You could pretend to arrest me. I bet it would be really fun, Liv." Amanda's eyebrows are wiggling up and down suggestively as she speaks, Olivia groaning and rubbing her hands over her face as a dark blush creeps up her neck and spreads across her cheeks.
"If you don't stop talking, I might have to arrest you right here," she remarks dryly, arching an eyebrow at the other woman as this discussion begins to bring up some feelings beyond annoyance and concern.
"Hmm, I can't decide whether that would turn me on or make me sad," Amanda comments thoughtfully, tapping a finger against her chin. "But I would still love you anyway, Liv, even if you put me in jail."
Olivia's heart practically stops beating at this unexpected confession, again unsure if it's due to the drugs or not; if they're making Amanda says things that she would never even think of bringing up while sober, or if they're just letting her finally reveal her true feelings, albeit more bluntly and inappropriately than normal. She knows she needs to put a stop to this strange interaction and get Amanda some medical attention, before returning to the case she is supposed to be working and helping out the other members of her squad.
Before Olivia can make a decision on whether to call an ambulance for her detective or drive to her to the hospital herself, she feels an arm wrap around her thigh and realizes that Amanda is hugging her leg. She places her hand on the top of Amanda's head, tapping a finger lightly into golden strands of hair in an effort to re-direct her attention again as Amanda presses her face into her hip and snuggles against her.
"Do you love me too, Liv?" The younger woman's voice is muffled against the fabric of her police jacket, slender fingers squeezing Olivia's kneecap. "Usually, when someone says those three little words, it's polite to say it back." There is a pause and Olivia can hear the distinct note of tears in Amanda's voice once more, the detective sounding uncharacteristically vulnerable. "Unless you don't. Unless you hate me for what I did."
"I don't hate you, Amanda," Olivia sighs tiredly, wishing this odd night was over and mentally counting down the hours until she can tuck herself into her comfortable bed and forget about everything, at least for a little while. "Far from it, in fact."
"So you do love me, then?" Amanda murmurs hopefully, Olivia glancing down when she feels Amanda pull away slightly and look up to meet her gaze, her heart aching at the longing in those big blue eyes and unable to stop herself from caressing a tender hand over her head.
"That's something we can talk about another time, okay?" she replies gently, averting her gaze when she sees Amanda's shoulders slump in disappointment and the downcast expression on her face.
"But you're the wind beneath my wings, Liv," Amanda reminds her plaintively, her eyes shining with unshed tears and her chin wobbling dangerously. "I can fly higher than an eagle. Or the hawk in that bedroom we were just in. You make me fly so high."
"Amanda, I don't doubt that you're flying higher than an eagle right now, but that's because of the DMT you chose to inhale, not because of me." Olivia answers softly, stroking her fingertips over the detective's flushed cheek. "Now I need you stop quoting song lyrics so we can get you some medical attention, okay?"
"That Betty Middleton song is my favorite, Liv."
Olivia shakes her head and then turns her face away so Amanda can't see the amused smirk stretching across her face, not wanting to encourage this ridiculous yet endearing behavior. "Yup, that Betty Middleton is certainly talented, isn't she? It's definitely not a song I'm going to forget anytime soon, that's for sure."
"Can it be our song?" Amanda asks with enthusiasm, that sudden excitement enveloping her again and Olivia feeling her body vibrating with the force of it.
"Sure," she sighs in resignation, clenching her jaw in frustration at being unable to get Amanda back on track. "Why not? You probably won't remember this conversation anyway."
"Oh, I'll remember it," Amanda states confidently. "And I'm going to tell Fin and Kat and the entire squad room that our captain and I have song. Just you and me, and not them. Do you think they'll be jealous, Liv? That you love me the most?"
Olivia is about to snap back with a stern reply when she decides to hold her tongue, figuring once Amanda is ensconced in the ER and the drugs start wearing off, there's a good chance that she won't recall this conversation, and even if she does, her detective will likely be far too embarrassed to repeat it. She merely nods and smiles, murmuring her agreement that everyone will probably be very jealous that they share a special song, relieved at the look of smug satisfaction that graces Amanda's features.
"Alright, now that we have our own song and it's been established that I love you more than anyone else, do you think I can take you to see a doctor?"
"Will you hold my hand when we get there?"
Olivia's heart melts at the vulnerable tone that has returned to Amanda's voice, the smugness melting away to anxiety, and she kneels down on the floor of the van so they are eye to eye. "Yes, I'll hold your hand, honey."
"Hold it now," Amanda demands urgently, grabbing onto her hand and giving it a hard squeeze, Olivia chuckling at the rapid mood swings and refraining from mentioning that she needs both hands to drive.
She doesn't know what's going to happen between them once the drugs leave Amanda's system; whether there will be a sober reveal of feelings or they will simply go back to being good friends, so Olivia lets them indulge in this sweet moment together before they leave for the hospital, squeezing Amanda's hand in return and wondering what the future holds.
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*Song lyrics are from Bette Midler's "Wind Beneath My Wings"