AN: Yeah, yesterday...Yesterday was rough. Sorry about that.

Disclaimer: Bonesboy15 doesn't own Helluva Boss or Naruto. The following is a written work of fan-fiction. It contains adult language and situations. Reader discretion is advised.

One Knuckleheaded Glutton

The One With A Table Match

"Come on, come on." Blitzø tapped his foot. He peered through his sniper rifle scope and scanned the beach. There was a stage set up, but an obvious absence of horny teens trying to get it on with a pop star. He scowled and ground his teeth. "All I want to do is win this fucking bet, get my fucking spot back, and prove to that washed up bitch that death sells better than sex! This is supposed to be Spring Break, so where the fuCK IS EVERYONE?!"

"Uh, sir?" Moxxie tapped his shoulder and pointed at the watch on his wrist. "We left immediately after you made that deal. It's still a quarter to one."

"...Fucking so?!"

"People are still getting their lunches." Millie added as she flipped through Stolas' Grimoire. She stopped on one, twisted it one way and then the next, tongue poked out of her mouth. "I thought this was a secret magic book."

"It's a magic book, Mils. They're all secret."

"Then where's the B.R.C. Pinup fold out pages?!"

"Ugh, of course Stolas would cheap out on the good shit." Blitzø groused as he rested his rifle against his shoulder. "Dammit, we can't even get a pizza ordered to pass the time. This is going to be so fucking boring!"

"Why did we even come to Earth so soon? Do we even have any contra–Ow!" Blitzø whipped a small pocketbook at his naysaying employee. The little shithead rubbed his face and flipped through the book. He dropped it and glared at Blitzø. "When did you find the time to get these?!"

"Loony collected them last week, we just never got around to doing them." Blitzø smiled wide and put his interlaced hands up to his cheek as he remembered what she said to him. "I still can't believe it. She called me... 'Dad'! She hasn't called me that ...ever!"

"I can only wonder why, Sir." Moxxie deadpanned. Blitzø, still smiling as he thought about his perfect little Loony giving him a loving hug, flipped him the bird.

"Well she had to at least once before she tried to call either of those other dogs 'Daddy'." Millie smirked as she nudged her husband. "Right, babe?"

"Yeah, that Tex guy was certainly packing something down–I mean, what?! Ew, no! Gross. Who-what kind of degenerate individual would have sex with a giant hot Hellhound...other than a Hellhound...Or Blitzø?"

"...Do not ruin my moment or I will fuck you both in the fourth oriface." Blitzø warned, eye twitching. Yeah, the giant, fuck off, one-eyed Hellhound was a beefcake snack for sure, but his Loony could do way better than Veroskia's fuzzy sex-doll of a bodyguard. He snarled and then started to bend the barrel of his sniper rifle. "But if that Royal Kidnapping Fuck thinks he can get anywhere near her pussy while I'm working, he'll be in for a nasty surprise!"

"...I'm afraid to ask–"

"Then don't ask, hon." Millie advised with a giggle. Moxxie sighed.

"The fucking curiosity will get to me. What did you do to prevent-?"

"I got this!" Blitzø reached into his pants and proudly displayed a six-inch, brick-red phallus...A toy, not his. He had some class people, and besides, the real thing was bigger. He pressed a button at the tip and the base unfolded to reveal a steel toothed bear trap. "Behold! The Surprise Bitch 6000! A motion-detector installed inside the vibrator makes it easy to dissuade even the most twisted rapists in all of Hell! All I have to do is insert it after Loony's next nightcap and she'll be my safe sweet little girl who won't have to remove it until she's found someone I approve of!"

"I dunno, Blitz," Millie said, a cringe on her face. "I think if my daddy tried to stick that in me, I'd have skinned him alive, laid him out for Satan to feast on."

"As for your high standards, what is so bad about her dating the actual Duke of Gluttony?" Moxxie asked. He crossed his arms and tilted his head. "Isn't that a bit hypocritical? I mean, don't you and Prince Stolas —?"

"I will fuck your ears in your sleep with a lit candle if you even so much as utter that load of Satan-shit again!" Blitzø hissed at the white-haired Imp. He collapsed the Surprise Bitch 6000 and put it back in his pocket. Then tried to fix his sniper rifle. That didn't go well. He stared at it then at their substitute evac operator.

"Mils, can you, uh?"

"Sure thing, Blitz!" The short stack took his rifle and began to straighten out the barrel.

"Thanks! Now then, where the fuck was I?" Blitzø rubbed his chin and then rounded on his straight side-bitch's idiot husband. "Right. What Stolas and I have is fucking business, pun intended. That furry Kidnapping whore dog would be fucking blessed to so much as hold Loony's hand-!"

"Hey, Blitz! Looks like the Succuslut and company are starting preparations!" Ah, Millie must've also checked his sights for him. He really doesn't pay her enough and clearly pays Moxxie too much. She was a phenomenal little bitch an—what'd she gasp for? "Loona is holding Lord Naruto's hand! Aw, they look so cute—Whoa, when did she get a human disguise?"

"That walking dead oversized furry fuck toy is doing what?!" "She has a human disguise?!" Blitzø and Moxxie simultaneously cried.

"Yeah—Guh..B-Boss, you may uh, may want to re-evaluate your um, standards." Millie pulled the scope from her eye and started fanning herself. "Hoo, Moxxie, I'm topping tonight!"

"But it's my turn-!"

Ignoring their byplay in lieu of his daughter's innocence, Blitzø snagged his rifle and peered through the scope. What he saw made his infernal blood boil.

"That, lousy, kidnapping whore's son of a-!"

"Bitch!" Verosika let her jaw drop as she watched the Virgin Demon don his human disguise. Unlike the cute lithe goth girl that Blitzo's Hellhound became, Bee's Baby Bro was an absolute, filled out meal that needed to be eaten.

His heart shaped face was exposed by the warm, almost sunset hued, of spiked hair; dark eyeliner surrounded his entrancing blue eyes and made them pop against the peach-tan skin his disguise had. Save for the three lines that marked either cheek, the face alone would be a delight, but she – and others who liked what they saw – were spoiled by his body, exposed as he shucked his jacket onto a supply crate. Wide, rounded shoulders and firm arms were teasingly flaunted by the fitted white tank top that complimented the V-shaped torso it was pulled over. Likewise, the rockin' firm ass was covered by a worn pair of tight jeans that did the same. The human-disguise's feet were covered by some kind of boot, but Verosika couldn't identify them because she was entranced by the art that danced across his skin: thick, detailed chains wound around and shattered in various places around his arms, encircled his neck and presumably his torso, if the links leading down from his throat were anything to go by. (1)

"Hot fuck." Apple mumbled, squeezing up beside her. She put a finger in her mouth and chewed on it. Which, yeah, Verosika totally agreed. "Mm, not usually my thing, but he's more than welcome to join in to make a Chocolate Apple Pie—ow, shit!"

"He's a coworker, that's inappropriate." Lawr Ents, the disguised demon stage manager sent by Asmodeus' record label to watch over the show, deadpanned as he stopped by the two disguised Succubi. He brushed his whack-board off and went over the papers. "Two hours to showtime, Miss Verosika. Please get the Crew all in 'guise and go over any last minute alterations with my assistant, Fred Bur Gir."

"Hey, Larry! I got the sandbags! Where do you wan–whooooaaaa!" A little potato of a demon slid by and hit the sound system, which then crashed down on him. A beat passed before his sickly green hand popped out of the wreckage. "I'm okay!"

Lawr Ents hardly blinked at the chaos left in the wake.

"Three hours to showtime. Fred, my office, twenty minutes."

He walked off, leaving two stunned succubi in their place. Verosika overcame the sheer weirdness of the moment first and then growled.

"Goddammit, I lost them!"

"Goddammit, I lost them!" Blitzø snarled as he lost sight of the disguised Duke. He struggled for a moment before raking a hand down his face. "Fuck me dry in my hot puckered hole! How lucky is this motherfucker?!"

"How lucky is that motherfucker?" Some no named human said to a friend as Naruto and Loona walked by, his arm over her shoulders as she searched on her phone for somewhere she wanted to eat.

Naruto looked back at the staring teens over his shoulder with a smirk and then flipped the bird their way. If his tail were as it was supposed to be and not molded by magic to look like a spiked belt with a chain wallet, it'd be going full wriggle. As the jealous jerks were left behind, he looked back ahead as they meandered through the busy boardwalk near the concert venue.

"What do you think of 'Logan's'?" Loona asked. He liked her human disguise, very cute, and the loss of height only proved her 'youth' to the rest of the non-Hellhound folk. Her clothes seemed a bit baggier and the sneakers were an interesting touch, but she made it work.

"Sounds like a bar."

"That's a problem?" Loona asked, a dark brow arched.

"Not for me." He shrugged, and then grinned, a toothy display for anyone that happened to be looking. "People in bars tend to get funny ideas about me, though."

"I can only wonder why that is."

"Sassy little goth girl." He leaned down to tease her covered ear with a swift breath, and pulled back with a laugh as she swiped at him.

"Fuck off." Loona growled before she fixed the hair he disheveled. He took a very subtle scent — people always got all weird about nostril flares, even back when he was one of them — and relaxed. Still had a hint of the F.B.N. Vibe mixed with her Vanilla sweetness. Good.

"What made you go with the buzz goth look?"

"I didn't exactly get a say in the disguise when I learned it." Loona drawled. "Porky's?"

"Eh, pretty sure that's a Lust chain." He curled his lip at the thought and then looked back at her. "What do you mean you didn't get a say in the disguise?"

"I learned it from the Goetia grimoire. It didn't exactly specify how to alter anything." She groused. "If I could, you would not be enjoying your arm rest as much as you are."

"She said, still snuggled up against him." He chuckled at the glare she sent his way. Weird how her face got red though. "Look, forget the dive bars, there's like a fuck-ton of street vendors here. Don't you want to try any of it?"

There was some stir fry nearby that was practically calling his name.

"Yeah, thanks, but no. I'll be good without throwing up human garbage when I get home." She huffed as she closed the app on her phone. "Fucking thing is useless, what else could we—what is that smell?"

Naruto watched her eyes as they darted around, following her very poorly disguised scenting, before they locked on a white and red booth. Two individuals, a guy with shaggy hair and a shorter woman with a pixie cut, stood serving some kind of pastry to the masses, both wore dark sunglasses that contrasted with their vendor attire. Naruto sniffed and sorted through the scents in the air. He chuckled once he narrowed down the scent she was attracted to.

"That, dear Loona, would be what the people call a 'Funnel Cake', not to be confused with a fried donut. Trust me, I've made that mistake before." The chewing out Bee gave him for ordering her the wrong thing from a once in fifty years bakery was not something he wanted to revisit. So, instead, he focused on his girlfriend and how she licked her lips.

"That. We're eating that." Loona grinned and pulled him along.

"Just to clarify: You want to use your one favor to have me buy you human food from a boardwalk?" He didn't particularly mind, just found it odd. Although it was a bit cute to find out she had a sweet tooth. Resolute red eyes rounded on him and he held a hand up with a shrug. "I'd do it regardless, but fine. Your favor."

"Damn right." Loona nodded and pulled him to the front of the booth. Unsurprisingly, the vanilla-blended batter was what she demanded - because hungry Hellhounds do not ask, perish the thought - it to be made with and the size she ordered was...well, given how small Loona's human form was, it drew some attention when she walked over to a table with a supersized 'Diabetes Inducer'.

Naruto merely followed along, feeding himself on the taste of her good vibes, and watched her eat on the other side of the table. Money well spent, as the saying went. It was making out to be a good evening.

Until it became apparent that a nearby group of teens had been watching them. One guy - Naruto never learned his name, he just decided to call him Thaddeus Toddrick Tuckerson the Third - sauntered over and plopped down right next to Loona and threw an arm around her shoulders. If Naruto were any lesser demon, he'd be affronted by the act, possibly even downright murderous. As it was, he wasn't. He saw that the very second Thaddeus sat down, Loona's eyes snapped to the intruder, and a subsonic growl filled the air.

"You want some help eating that, babe?"

Naruto snorted. This guy thought he was that smooth? He should've gotten popcorn for the show. Oh, convenient. He tore off a pinch of Funnel Cake and blew Loona a kiss when she glared at him for the act.

"Just remember, babe," he snickered the word out. Thaddeus seemed to at least pick up on the fact he was being made fun of if the scowl he gained was anything to go by. "We're in public."

"Hey fuck you, dude. I saw you hanging off of this strong, independent female like you owned her. Who are you, her protective brother or something? You groom your sister you sick fuck?!"

"Ooh, Mr. PC! Excuse me for jostling your pearls." Naruto grinned, all teeth, as he pulled the funnel cake towards him a bit — Loona noticed, he just hoped she stayed pissed at Thaddeus the golden boy — and tilted his head. "You wanna do something about it?"

"Bah, fuck this guy, babe. You can come join me and my cre—ooww! Ow! The fuck! Bitch, that's my fucking hair!"

"Really? I couldn't fucking tell with all the fucking product in it." Loona drawled, her hands tugged on what some might call a 'flawless' wave of honey blonde hair. She jerked him around for a second before she snarled. "You wanna know where you fucked up?"

"Bitch-!"

"No, it was before that." Her eyes blazed and her vibes became rank with the hint of Wrath that leaked from them. "It was when you touched me without my consent!"

The shout almost echoed across the boardwalk. Thaddeus' group of friends all pulled their phones out, as did everyone else under the age of thirty, sans Naruto — mostly because he got a live view and thought it would ruin the moment — while one girl in the clique muttered the damning phrase: "Well, he's canceled."

"Wh-but-!"

"You're so hungry? Eat this, jackass!" Loona slammed Thaddeus' face into the grate-like metal table and then yanked him out of the seat where he landed in a heap behind her. All while seated, too. It was actually kind of hot.

Thaddeus' posse came over and helped him up. Yeesh, that's a lot of blood; Loona didn't even hit him that hard. Pussy needed two linebackers to carry him to a medical tent. Conveniently placed.

When all was said and done, Loona pulled her meal back with a huff, glaring at Naruto as she did.

"Don't touch my food."

"I mean, I paid for it." She growled at him and he chuckled. "Alright, message received. Don't touch the garbage meal you'll probably throw up later."

"Fuck you."

"When and where?" He immediately felt his face burn and looked away from her. Fuck, that was super corny. He could not let her follow that up. To avoid such snark — odd that he hadn't gotten a rebuttal yet, and super weird that the F.B.N. Vibe tasted stronger — he pulled his phone out to snap a pic of her. She had her eyes closed and a small smile as she was mid-bite. "Hey, Loona? Say 'assault charges'!"

"Hm?" The flash told her immediately what happened and she gulped down what was in her mouth. "You ass-!"

"Huh, not bad," Naruto admired the picture with a smirk. Her human disguise really was pretty and very photogenic. He'd have to double up with her for a pic sometime today, but first he'd send Bee a copy of this one. Which he did, before he looked at the growling goth girl across from him. "I think I'm going to post that on Voxtagram."

"You don't even have one." Loona grumbled around another bite.

"True, but I should make one. This could be my first post." It'd make him more approachable for smaller, shorter duration jobs and hopefully get the Lust filled jobs dealt with. Her eyes, though still narrowed, gleamed slightly and her scent gained a hint of ...'Approval'? ...Maybe he shouldn't have said anything.

"...Give me your phone."

"Yeah, that's not happening." Naruto deadpanned. She rolled her eyes.

"It's so I can make you an account, dumbass."

"I may have been born on a day, but it wasn't yesterday."

"No shit. Look, I won't delete anything–"

"Forgive me if I don't believe you." He pocketed his phone and leaned on the table to smirk at her, chin resting on his arms. There was a hint of 'Disappointment' in the air, but she'd get over it. "Eat your cake, Loona. We've got a couple of hours before we need to head back down south to finish up the contract."

"Ahh, this was a good idea." Bee-Lzebub sighed as she relaxed in a bubble bath made of her own Beelzejuice. – What? Don't judge, it was her own method of relaxation. She would lick all the toxins and ick out of her fur later. – She sank down into the tub, the liquor just at the edge of her snout, and sucked just a little bit in. Her lips smacked.

"Needs salt."

~ Oh-e oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh-a ~ (2) ~ Oh-e oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh-a ~

"Ugh, fuckin, always whenever I'm in a soak." Bee rose up, stretched out and snagged her phone. She growled as her damp fur caused her face not to be recognized by the facial recognition software for several attempts. Finally, she gave up and forced it with Sin Magic, before going to the text that was sent. "This better be fuckin' good, Baby Bro – Aww, she's adorable! Fuck, yes! She is my new favorite thing."

A pic of her Baby Bro's gal pal in a human disguise eating one of her top ten favorite fried doughy foods? Instant success. Ten out of ten.

"I'm so posting this on my Sinstagram sto–...What the fuck is Voxtagram?!"

They were walking away from the boardwalk, and Loona was way more satisfied than she'd thought she'd be. Funnel Cakes would be the death of her, she was pretty sure. So good, but so sugary. ...But so good. That shit was sinfully delicious, almost on par with Grey Stag meat. She was still licking some of the sugar from her cla–fingernails when her boyfriend tapped her shoulder.

"Wha–Mm?" Oh, a kiss while in disguise? Sure, Loona was down to try that. Besides, humans kiss all the fucking time. Did they use that much tongue, though? Probably not–Okay, he's slobbering on her face. What the fuck? She put her hands on his chest – firm, hard, warm, nice – and pushed. "Gerroff!"

"Sorry, sorry." Naruto chuckled and licked his own lips. He tapped a spot by the corner of his human mouth. "You had some powdered sugar there...and I was curious."

"So you decided to slobber on my face? Thanks, that's super hot. Very sexy." Loona scowled and opened the camera app on her phone to check her makeup. Was it smeared? ...Would her disguise's makeup smear?

And now he was draping himself over her. Dude, clingy much? Loona wasn't meant to be clung on! Even if he was super warm and smelled really good and had a nice body for a human and...Ugh, fucking shit, she liked it, didn't she? Goddammit, she needed a smoke to feel like she hadn't lost any credibility.

"Well, if it helps, it is in the top five things I've ever tasted. Sweet, like a vanilla latte." He chuckled into her ear. At least it was the exposed one this time, clever bastard.

Ugh, his breath was literally hot and she felt her face start to warm up. It's fine, it's fine, they're just surrounded by a bunch of humans who don't know them and can see him hug her and Rumble in her ear and – oh, oh boy. Ear nips are things, yep. Sure, totally normal things that humans do! As were kisses down the cheek and to the...wow, was this what Humans felt whenever they made out? Not bad. ...What was Loona thinking about again?

"Oh my, Harold, doesn't that remind you of our first days together?"

"Back before you got lippy, yeah. Do yourself a favor and run now, kid!"

"Oh, get a room!"

"There are fucking children here, you shameless fuckers!"

"God, save these sinners!"

"Dude doesn't have to shove his fucking happiness down our throats."

"Like, what the fuck does he see in that whore?"

Having enhanced hearing sucked.

"Mwah." Naruto grinned at her. His weirdly perfect human disguise – as in weird that it matched her expectations for what his human disguise would be – had a very vulpish grin. It just worked. "Better?"

"Hm?" Loona didn't understand the question. Systems were still rebooting. Please hold on and try again.

"I'll take that as a ye–Fuck!" Huh, Loona could've sworn she had a boyfriend disguised as a human right here a second ago. Oh, there he is. On the ground. Clutching his arm, that was now red. Hm, that was a familiar metallic scent – Why did Naruto look like he was getting smaller, how was he doing that without moving?

"Shit! Civilian hit!"

"Collateral happens, bag her head!" Yeah, and that was a bag on her head. Okay, what–Ow, OW! Her arms are restrained, her head has a bag on it! FUCK! What was that?! Was that a fucking needle?! "Tranq administered!"

"We've got the girl! Go-go-go-go!"

"This is Agent Two, requesting immediate evac from Central Beach! Cargo is secure, repeat, cargo is secure!"

"Agent, a vehicle is en route. Take the next left."

"Right!"

Oh, when Loona got out of...this...sleepytime now.

(1) Similar to Psymon Stark, a la SSX, just more colorful hair, less piercings, rounder face, less facial hair.

(2) See Chapter 12

AN: Alright, due to work and time constraints, I'm limiting chapters down to 4k count at minimum. The fact that this chapter is barely over that doesn't mean anything.

Besides, it's just fucking fan-fiction