AN: I did it! I posted on my birthday! A slice of Cyber Cake for everyone!

Disclaimer: Bonesboy15 doesn't own Helluva Boss or Naruto. The following is a written work of fan-fiction. It contains adult language and situations. Reader discretion is advised.

One Knuckleheaded Glutton

Hey Brother

The Harvest Moon festival's regular festivities took place the day after the Elysium Fight Finals. A rather successful night, regardless of who was asked – unless that someone was a certain salty shark-headed Sinner – all things considered.

"Huh." Striker blinked as he lined up his shot. Standing just to the side of Prince Stolas was the Duke of Gluttony. He'd thought the Duke had ducked out back to his Ring once he called in the Oni. But...now that meant he had two nobles in his line of sight. Yeah, the Duke was a much higher caliber target, probably worth more alive than dead, but he was still a noble-blooded fuck that encouraged the hierarchy of Hell. Imps everywhere would be better off without him.

It wasn't part of the job...but, if he angled this shot right...Yeah, that's a two-fer. It could be speculation as to who the target was. He'd make fucking bank so long as he absolutely vanished as soon as he ensured the shot hit or missed, and his employer wouldn't be immediately implicated in the hit. Not unless they figured out the true target.

"Psst. Hey, Mister Striker... What'cha do-in'?"

Fuck. This little shit again. Striker turned and drew his knife to stab the brat in the head just to get rid of the annoyance–

Squelch!

Huh...that was not the head of a child. That was a plain, white shirt spread across a broad torso. And...it was bleeding from the abdomen. Striker slowly looked up to stare at the eyes of the Duke of Gluttony. A firm grip wrapped around his wrist and pried it off of the knife that remained in the Duke's upper abdominals.

"Okay. That's one way to answer my question, I guess." He pulled Striker up to dangle off the ground and ripped the Carmilla-Crafted Rifle out of his grip with the other. He took hold of the barrel and stepped onto the stock.

Crack

Fuck, that cost a lot of money...Striker winced as his wrist was crushed into paste and looked up at the Duke's face. White glowing eyes met his and he gulped.

"...Oh, this ain't gon' end well for me, is it?"

"This probably isn't going to end well for you, no." The Duke grinned and his tail snapped around behind him. "But tell you what, I'll only break one limb if you give me your client's name right now. Give you a sporting chance to beat it."

"...What?" Striker blinked. The Duke flicked at the knife in his chest.

"This? This is nothing. At worst you ruined my shirt and gave me a new knife to add to my collection." He plucked Striker's knife and wiped it on Striker's sides before he slipped the knife into the space between his belt and his pants. "Look, assassin, my job today is to protect Stolas. I'm not even getting paid for it, it's part of a deal with Lucifer."

Oh, fuck. They totally knew about the hit. Striker almost put himself on the fast path to death for no fucking reason.

"Yeah, you realize my conundrum here." The Duke wobbled his free hand. "I gotta keep Douchifer happy so I can get back to my life."

"...That's one of your clones out there, inn't it?"

"Quite a few of 'em, actually." Dammit. "Got Stolas doing some of his magic crap from afar in a secluded space known only by yours truly. His family is secreted away and their phones are being selectively jammed by their host."

Shit, fuck, ass, tits, shit! His employer's phone had been isolated and messages to and from his phone were likely blocked. Striker narrowed his eyes.

"What's the catch here?"

"No catch. A broken limb, maybe." The Duke shrugged. "Gotta make it look good, but whether you believe me or not, I don't want you dead. Assassins are useful, Zabuza is proof of it. I may want to call on your services one day."

Striker couldn't help himself, he laughed.

"You want me to work for you?" He spat on the open wound in the Duke's chest and then sneered at the Royal Blood. "Why don't ya just do us both a favor and kill me before you go back to your harem of thirsty bitches and get 'em to fuck you?"

"...Alright, there's too much for me to unpack there right now, so I'm just going to ignore it." The Duke shook his head. "You're working for Stella, aren't you? She's just as bad as, if not worse, than I am. And I'm higher than her on the totem pole."

"Tch, that just leaves me with a further fall if somethin' happens." The Imp halfa sneered and his tail lashed. "At least that bitch pays upfront for me to get a fuckin' cushion in place, not to mention she bought the fuckin' gun, saved me a fuckin' mint!"

"Thank you for your confirmation."

Wha– Aw, fuck! Striker narrowed his eyes and flicked his wrist. His second knife reached up to slice at the Duke's hand and – oh, right. The fucker still had a hand free.

"I see that we won't be doing any business in the near future. Shame, because–"

Bang! The door to the attic was kicked open and that scrawny little nancy boy married to his 'cover family's eldest daughter stormed in.

"Striker, look, I don't know what your deal is but–" his eyes drifted to the broken gun on the ground. "Is...Is that a Carmine-Crafted Rifle? Aha! I knew it! I knew you were up to some...thing...Ohh, uh, y-your majesty! I, um, I hope I'm not...that is– If this is an official, um, in-investigation, I have several uh, suspcicions and observations –"

The little pussy boy stammered. The Duke rolled his eyes.

"You're not interrupting anything, Maxie." Blue hound-like eyes looked back into Striker's red and yellow. "We're just about finished here."

"Yeah. Yeah we are." Striker grinned and kicked his heels together. The smoke bomb trigger he set as a last measure went off and – given the Duke's hound-like physiology – his arms were released.

"Gah! I can't see!"

"You can't see?! My fucking nose is on fire!" The Duke snarled and whirled around with whimpers as he swiped in Striker's direction based on sound. Good thing he could move quietly when needed. He pulled a window in just at another swing and let the shatter of glass deafen him. "God fucking dammit! Striker, you ungrateful bastard, I was going to let you go–! Fuck! Consider yourself on my List, you miserable little shit!"

A chill went down Striker's spine as he dove out the window and sprinted for the stable. He grabbed the bug-out bag he stashed there and hopped on the horse he'd tamed.

"Next time, motherfucker." He sneered and rode off into the wilds. "I'll be ready for you and those fuckin' Imps next time."

Bee yawned and collapsed on her bed. Another weeklong party went off without a hitch. She finally got the last dumb wannabe moocher out of her house and could crash to recharge for next week. She stretched her four arms up before two went behind her head and the other two rested on her stomach. She just needed a couple of hours and maybe a quickie. Cerberus should be free later...it was Thursday, right? She should check the calendar...

...Meh, that can wait until she napped. Her eyes fell shut.

Creeeeeeak

Her ear twitched at the sound and she growled. Whoever thought they could break into her room was about to be in for a very rude and very final surprise.

"B...Bee?"

That was not the sound of a home intruder or a partner that overstayed their welcome. Time for a quick Vibe Check, she sniffed the air. Fear was understandable, they were in her home after she just got rid of the last party animal. Uncertainty didn't seem out of place for an intruder, either. It was the Sorrow that had her eyes snap open and sit up.

A little orange fox with big droopy ears and a long silky tail curled over his feet stood part way through her door. Big blue eyes stared at her while a little clawed hand clutched to door uncertainly. The urge to sleep had never left Bee so fast.

"Hey, Baby Bro. Sleep well?" She asked. The first time he fell asleep, not four days after he came home with her, she panicked and rushed him back to Belphagor's personal office. There were tests done for weeks before it was determined by the Sin of Sloth that he was still accumulating to the amount of power in his body, something that Luci's little Charlie was also going through. This was the eighth time since then that he'd woken up from what Belle called a 'Naru Nap'. He'd been 'asleep' for about nine years now, a good five years shorter than the last one.

Baby Bro hesitated before he shook his head and forced a smile.

"Just, uh, just wanted to tell you I'm awake, y'know! I'm - I'm gonna go make some ramen. You want anything?"

While the offer to get her something was genuine and oh so sweet, Bee frowned. The negative Vibes all around her Baby Bro were still as potent when he opened the door even as he smiled at her. That meant something happened while he slept or when he woke up. For as long as she watched over him — which was already like, two centuries at this point — she still knew so little about him. The constant and sporadic Naru Naps didn't help, but the gap between them was shrinking. She could only hope they would come to a stop soon.

"Thanks, Baby Bro, but I'm good." She hummed and patted her mattress. "Hey, c'mere real quick?"

"Uh, okay?"

His cute little feet tap-tap-tapped across her floor and his too long tail dragged across the ground like a lifeless snake until he hopped up onto the bed beside her. No sooner did he manage that impressive feat of athleticism for a Hellborn of his physical age did she snatch him up into a tight and full four-armed hug. She grinned as she pushed her muzzle into his neck and Vibe Checked him while he squawked and struggled in her 'assault of affection'.

"Bee! Grr, lemme go!"

"Hmm…No. I missed you! There were so many parties you missed out on, again." She muttered, a bit heartbroken at that fact. His Vibes were just so rank, this little cutie didn't deserve to be as sad as he was.

"C'mon, Bee! I'm hungry, y'know!" He whined and she nosed at his cheek. A half-lie, he was hungry, but it wasn't the thing that bothered him. And — to her growing elation — he was way more open to getting hugs if that surge of Salty-Sweet trifecta of Joy, Safety and Relief was anything to go by. "I want Ramen..!"

"You managed fine for years, a few minutes more won't hurt." She cooed and flopped back onto her bed. "I need a quick nap and now I have a cute Baby Bro to cuddle with during it."

"Bee!" He struggled for another minute before he went slack with a resigned huff. "Will you please let me go? I'll come right back after I get a bowl of Ramen."

"I'll let you go when you stop trying to feed me bullshit."

"Bull-? But I'm fine!" Ugh, her Baby Bro was such an awful liar. His Vibes screamed at Bee for more cuddles.

"Baby Bro, please? I'm too tired for the bullshit." She admitted with a sigh as she nuzzled his big right ear. Fuck he was so cute. She liked checking on him when he was in his Naru Naps, but she had way more fun when he was awake. She planted a wet big sister kiss on his cheek and giggled at his whine. She nuzzled his head and sighed while one of her hands tweaked at a Spot behind his ear. "C'mon, what happened? Your Vibes were so rank when you walked in. Who do I gotta eat?"

"It's not...You don't have to eat anyone." His voice dropped and his breathing hitched. "I just..I had a nightmare. That's all."

"Ugh, that fucking sucks." She sympathized. Nightmares were the bane of a Sin's existence. For all their power, they couldn't do anything when their minds turned on themselves. It was a rare occurrence for them, but it happened every other few millennia. Bee's last one focused on dancing elephants made of honey, for some reason. She rested her chin on his head between his adorable big ears and closed her eyes. "Wanna talk about it? It sounds stupid, but it really fuckin' helps."

"...I guess...You, um, you know my um...this?" His hand tapped against the big patch of cream-colored fur that took up most of the left side of his chest. In Cerberus' words, it looked like fucking Zeus stabbed a lightning bolt into him.

"You had a nightmare about storms?" Though more common in the Rings of Lust and Envy, Gluttony got its occasional storm, but there hadn't been a big one in a few years. Maybe the last time Baby Bro went to sleep?

"No. I...I know how I got it." Bee's eyes cracked open and she tightened her arms around him when he whined. She rubbed the bottom of her jaw along the top of his head and her wings buzzed. Salty and Bitter Vibes started to fill her room and Bee found herself suddenly on damage control as her Baby Bro turned around to cling to her as he started to cry. "He-He was my best friend... I just-I just wanted to help. I wanted to help him and-and he st- he stabbed me..."

"Stabb–?!" Someone was about to end up a dead motherfucker in the most gruesome way she can manage. Her Baby Bro started to hitch his breath and sniffle, as if he was trying to make himself stop crying. No, shit, no! He always did this. Bee just wanted him to open up, bottling all of those Negative Vibes couldn't be doing him any favors. "Baby Bro? Hey, no, c'mon. Let it out."

Bee needed a name. A name to put at the fucking top of her new list: People That Wronged Her Baby Bro. A name to give to every fucking Hound at her disposal before she sent them out to find the owner of it. A name to give to Cerberus to ensure this fucking soon-to-be dead owner never got the fuck out of Hell until Bee got her claws buried in their chest and drenched with their blood.

Alas, Baby Bro locked up again and cut himself off from the tears.

God fucking damn it!

"...Dunn't matter...prob'lee dead already..Jus' like Jiji 'n' ever'one else." Baby Bro huffed and sniffed as his tears became silent. Damn it, if he'd just talk to her... Bee swallowed back the growl she wanted to let out and nuzzled into his head. He whimpered around his tears, but nuzzled back. "Sorry, Bee…'s...it's a stupid reason to wake y' up..."

"No." Bee tilted his head up and looked him in his watery blue eyes. "No, Baby Bro, you never apologize for this. You can tell me anything, okay? Anything."

"...Okay..." He sniffed again and rested his head on her shoulder. So soft that she had to strain her ears to hear it, he uttered two words that made her black heart swell. "...Thanks, Bee..."

"Anytime, Baby Bro." Bee put her lips to the crown of his head and hugged him tight. "Anytime."

"What do you mean you got stabbed?!" Bee snarled as she darted across her work room, her Hellphone held to her ear as she stirred and mixed various cauldrons of Beelzejuice.

After the most anxiety-inducing night she'd had in her ten-thousand (and counting) years in Hell, the night after that was wonderful. She had a good – if brief by her standards – fuck session with her boyfriend while Pretty Pup's stream from the night before played on the big screen in their room. Not only was it super hot to see Pretty Pup take her Baby Bro's thick cock – she was pretty sure he was tied with Tex in terms of size, save for the knots; Baby Bro's knot was easily an inch wider, shit, Pretty Pup was such a lucky little bitch – but she confirmed that Vortex had a few kinks he was open to exploring, and cuckolding was one of them.

After a two hour long discussion during lunch, an agreement was reached; if she could get Baby Bro and Pretty Pup to agree to it, and after Vortex had a one-on-one talk alone with Baby Bro, Bee could get her threesome. In turn, Vortex would get some more chances to explore other kinks with her and Verosika – Bee pushed for that, since she noticed the normally perky Succubus had some dour Vibes lately, despite the super successful concert she held; as she expected, her boyfriend didn't oppose it too much – such as scat, more extreme variants of BDSM, watersports, and vore. Vore was, ironically, not one of Bee's favorite pastimes – she wasn't the Sin of fucking Regurgitation, after all, and to her, vore was only really considered successful if the recipient could return to gush about it – but regardless, they revisited 'vore' the night of the Harvest Festival.

Consequently, Vortex was taking the day to recover from the hours he spent jerking off in her endless gullet – there was still the occasional dribble of his cum that came out with every other burp – and she was left to do whatever she wanted. Nothing new, but that left her with the entire day to await Baby Bro's return from his stupid 'final stipulation' – she was so glad Pretty Pup backed her on the stay-cation she wanted him to go on – and keep him at home until after his birthday party at the latest. Rather than sit around on her ass, eating her feelings, Bee decided to get started on her next variant of Beelzejuice.

Then he called to tell her he was going to get home once he got his stitches out at St. An's. What stitches? Oh, just the ones he got from when the fucking assassin Imp, that was after Lucifer's cock-sucking bitch's son, stabbed him!

"Bee, I'm fine–!"

"Stabbed! Your argument is invalid – I can't deal with you right now." Bee growled and rubbed her face with one hand. "Just-just put Pretty Pup on the phone so I can talk to someone with an iota of a brain cell."

"Fuck you."

Soon. Bee bit back the word and stopped stirring to cross her arms. "Baby Bro, I'm scatterbrained, not stupid. Put her on the phone."

"She's not here–"

"Bullshit! Baby Bro, you got Stabbed."

"Loon's got a job, Bee! Do you even know what that is?"

"Yeah, taking care of your stupid ass. It's full-time and very exhausting. I would know, it used to be mine." Bee ignored the slight pang of Negative Vibes that admitting that brought up from the back of her mind – He was her Baby Bro: Hers hers hers! She should be taking care of him and cuddling him and feeding him Royal Honey to help him recover! – and smirked into the call. "Maybe I should start giving her some compensation."

"Do not pay my girlfriend to be my girlfriend, Bee. Do you even know what that sounds like?!"

"I dunno, prostitution maybe?" She snorted and then swallowed when Baby Bro growled over the line. Fuck, when did his growls start to affect her like Tex's or Cerberus' did? She felt her wings flutter and rubbed her stirring stick against her groin.

"The implications there are not okay."

"Get over it." Bee huffed. "Now seriously, put her on."

"She's at work!"

"Really? ...Imma message her." Bee put him on speaker as she opened her Voxtagram – seriously, Mammon was a month away from getting his fucking ass kicked if he didn't fork over the cash to buy their app back from that stupid fucking Sinner – and looked at Pretty Pup's account. Ah, her posted Sex Stream was still getting hits. Hm, there were a lot of angry jealous bitches bombing it. Oh, okay, location posted recently – Pride Ring, Hothead's Cafe. Huh, five minutes ago...Shit, Baby Bro was telling the truth.

"...You don't have to do that…" Oh, hello? What's this?

"And why shouldn't I?" Bee asked. One of the cauldron's turned from blue to gold and she zipped over to it to get a taste. A quick slurp – yep, the same as every other Beelzejuice combo she makes, she needed Vortex to wake up for a second opinion – interrupted before she went back to stirring other mixes. "It's not like you didn't tell her you got stabbed. ...Wait, if you got stabbed yesterday, why isn't she with you?"

"She was dealing with something involving her dad. I guess you really freaked him out on Friday night, but we appreciate that you didn't kill him." He fucking better! The longer Bee had to interact with the shithead Imp that was Blitzø the fucking more she wanted to take his guardianship away from him."I didn't want to bother her while she dealt with that; dude's got like, a hate boner for me or something. Besides, I'm fine."

"...So, let me see if I understand." Bee rubbed her face. "Because I justifiably intimidated that fucking Imp–"

"It's really not that justifiable–"

"Big sister rights, it's justifiable," she affirmed and smirked at his annoyed huff. "Anyway, because of that, Pretty Pup had to, what, spend the day babysitting him instead of you? What, is he more prone to getting stabbed than you are?"

"Bee, you met him twice. You tell me." Shit, he had her there. However, she'd been at this longer than he had and she was the big sister. This would be her win.

"...So, what you're saying is, yes: Pretty Pup doesn't know you got stabbed."

"...Do not tell Loona."

"Nope, I'm telling her." The more she got one of them on her side, the easier it'd be to convince the other to have a threesome.

"BEE!"

"Baby Bro, you got stabbed. Just fucking tell her so she can make sure you get here without getting involved in another fucking turf war or something!" Bee threw two of her hands up.

"That only happened one time! And that was mostly Cerb's fault, anyway."

"The fact that it happened at all is the point!" Bee growled. She had fucking forgot about that day until right now...That was the last time she let her at the time three-headed boyfriend take her Baby Bro with him on a 'patrol'. Not that it stopped Baby Bro from getting into any trouble, but it did keep the body count from rising any further in Beezlehaven. "Fuck it, I'm telling her. You can't keep this sort of thing a secret, Baby Bro."

"Goddammit, Bee–!"

(Baby Bro got stabbed by an assassin yesterday.)

(He's at St. An's getting stitches.)

(What? He told me he was fine!)

"Fuck, shit – God-fucking-dammit, Bee!"

"You should've told her." Bee shrugged unapologetically.

(...Well, I'm going to kill him.)

(Might need somewhere to hide after.)

(My door's always open! Go ahead and bring the corpse with you.) She sent with a smile.

"And it's done. Enjoy dealing with it."

"Rotting Zombie Christ...What did you tell her?!"

"I told her what happened." Bee deadpanned as she closed the app and went back to the call.

"I loathe you."

"Love you, too, Baby Bro. See you soon."

"Dammit, Doof – Do not leave until I get there!" A certain Hellhound set her Hellphone on her desk and rubbed her face with a growl. One day. Loona just wanted one fucking day where she didn't end up on the verge of having a fucking aneurysm.

This past week was too fucking stressful – sporadic sexcapades notwithstanding – and yesterday was supposed to have been a godsend. Sure, Blitzø got wasted after Bee stopped by his seat to threaten him and had to spend most of it at home hungover, but he mostly slept and puked all day, which left her free to alternate between her favorite pastimes: scroll on her phone and mess around with magic.

She should've known better, but as she hated the idea of leaving Wrath while her incident prone boyfriend was working, she didn't trust her adoptive father to not kill himself while he was in such a low state. With assurance from her boyfriend that he had clones disguised all over Wrath and that he wouldn't be in any danger, unlike he had been over the past fucking week, she took her adoptive father home to take care of him. Blitzø had gotten so drunk he was flirting with a light post, whereas Naruto had essentially shown his might to the entirety of Hell – which was still so fucking hot when she thought about it – so she trusted her boyfriend's judgment.

That was her mistake, apparently, because somehow her boyfriend managed to go and get himself stabbed in the gut! Oh, and it wasn't just that, he got stabbed deep enough that it fucked with his – the fuck was it called, an appendix? She thought that was part of a book. Whatever – an organ that got fixed in a short surgery and ended with him getting stitches. He got surgery twice in the span of two days; the fuck was with her boyfriend's shitty luck?

With a growl she got up from her desk and barged into I.M.P.'s founder's office.

"Blitzø, I'm heading out and I'm taking the next month off."

"Wha–Loony, you can't take that much time off–!"

"I'm using some vacation time." Loona deadpanned

"Wha–We just got back from...Oh, fuck, that was a paid work week…"

"Yep."

"...Does it involve that fuc–"

"It involves my boyfriend, yes."

"...Did he di–?" Loona growled and Blitzø held his hands up. "Excuse me for hoping! Fine, just, give me the magic book and I'll–"

"I'll hold onto it." She growled again. He put his hands on the desk and hopped onto his chair.

"Loony, I appreciate how dedicated you are to protecting it, but our business–!"

"I can open the portals remotely with the Grimoire, dumbass."

"...Since when?!"

"Two weeks ago. When you met Bee for the first time." Was it wrong that she enjoyed watching Blitzø shiver reflexively? Probably. Meh, Loona wasn't a good person. She was a fucking Hellhound that ensured a bunch of Imps got illicit access to Earth. She pulled her phone out and ordered a UNDR Driver to get her to Sloth from their apartment. "Look, if you need a portal, just shoot me a text. Otherwise, don't expect to see me for a while."

"What's so fucking important that you're taking a month off–?!"

"My boyfriend got stabbed protecting your fuck buddy!" She snarled and glared at him. Fucking sweet silence permeated the air.

"Ah...Well, uh...Alright then." Blitzø sat down. "And you, uh, you only want a month off?"

"...His birthday is also coming up." She had a few ideas she wanted to run by Bee for things to get the idiot.

"Oh, uh, when is–?"

"Within the month. I'm not telling you when."

"Right." Blitzø laughed nervously. He drummed his fingers. "So..?"

"I'm good?"

"Uh, yeah–"

"Later." She turned to leave.

"B-Bye, Loony-Toony! Be safe!"

"Fuck off!" Loona shouted back as she strode out of his office. She gave Fatty a middle finger as she passed him and then sent Millie the peace sign before she got to her desk and grabbed her coffee. With that, she left I.M.P.'s offices with a slam of the door and she made her way back to the apartment she called home so that she could pack for her stay-cation in Gluttony.

AN: Happy birthday to me, I'm over thirty! I'm half in a casket, and Live on Ask Reddit! Do the worms drink my pee?!

And many more...!

Yeah, cue the kazoos, I made it to Thirty-One! ...Fuck, I'm getting old! My shoulder gave out yesterday, I woke up with a sore back – THESE WERE NOT PROBLEMS TWO YEARS AGO!

SHUT THE FUCK UP, STEVE, YOU'RE OLDER THAN I AM! ...I'M NOT SHOUTING, YOU'RE SHOUTING! – Thanks for reading and reviewing all – STEVE, FOR THE LOVE OF FUCK, TURN THAT RACKET DOWN! I CAN'T STAND TODAY'S HIPPITY-HOP!

Remember: It's Just Fucking Fan-Fiction