AN: There is one among you who keeps pushing buttons. How dare you think I don't know the glory of River Song?! Steve, roll the clip! ...What do you mean which–I have to do everything around here! ...Which button turns it–
Disclaimer: Bonesboy15 doesn't own Helluva Boss or Naruto. The following is a written work of fan-fiction. It contains adult language and situations. Reader discretion is advised.
One Knuckleheaded Glutton
Big Yellow Taxi
They'd been in Wrath for not even twenty-four hours and she was going to lose her mind.
"This is useless." Loona — now wearing a ripped sleeveless flannel vest (it was a fucking chilly ring for being a goddamn shithole) over her second favorite top (given the first was unusable after her boyfriend tore it off) and skirt, with her usual gloves and stockings — grumbled as she swiped through her Voxtagram feed.
She was trying to find decent clips of her boyfriend's supposed fights in the Wrath Ring's deadliest and most infamous fight Pit: Elysium. It was usually an exclusive event for the Wrath-born, so most footage posted online was either with awful shaky cam, a recording of a live television screen, or just stills of blurred motion with some dipshit trying to make an argument about one fighter or another. Or there were the drunk 'application' compilations that the algorithm thought she would enjoy — the first three were alright, but after that there were a lot of repeats — ugh, she'd have to clear her history after this and reconfigure that shit accordingly.
Speaking of shit being fixed, the accusation of Naruto's account being 'hacked' was firmly shut down before it could become a controversy. That post she made was made private and his account was locked remotely, likely by Bee, so she couldn't troll anyone or get further details by asking through that horde of comments. Her posts were always full of thirst comments or shit slingers, otherwise she'd put something there. Weird that most of the Sins or royals that followed her — a phrase she'd never thought would make sense — were more pleasant. Probably because of public pressure for them to maintain some sort of image.
Shit, I wouldn't have most of the followers I have if I didn't start dating Naruto. Loona huffed as her cynical self-worth reared its head again. Ugh, she patted herself down for her cigarettes - there they are: right pocket, above the thigh. Pack pulled out and fuck. Fuck! It was empty? Seriously?!
Aside from huffing the faint traces of Violets and Almost-Coconut off of her boyfriend's stuff — which she could no longer do because all of those had been thrown in the wash earlier by Millie's too 'helpful' sister because they apparently reeked — smoking was the one thing getting her through this shitty month! How did she already go through a pack that she opened three days ago! ...Was that why Naruto's scent didn't seem as prominent on his things? Smoking? Ugh! She pocketed her lighter, crumbled the empty pack up and tossed it aside.
"Fucking-fine. Just gotta get another pack somewhere tomorrow." Loona growled and rummaged into her vest's left pocket. She was too comfortable right now — Blitzø was out after a day of fulfilling some horse-related fantasy while Fatty and Millie were exhausted from their attempt to woo the latter's parents to Fatty's side of some shit; Loona was pretty sure that was a comedy movie somewhere — and besides, she had her fallback: Naruto's Phone. Now the question is did she bring it with her outside or-? Yes, thank all that was evil, she remembered to grab it. She held to her nose and inhaled...and got Vanilla.
No, no, no. Come on, it's gotta be there! Deeper! Somewhere! It can't be that faint or overpowered by her scent! She only fell asleep on it like twice! It's been in her...pocket...since—Fuck.
"Satan dammit." Loona groaned and crossed her arms on the porch banister. She dropped her head onto her arms and growled into a whimper. No one was around, no one would hear her, she could let one whine out, right? ...Mistake, turns out, since acknowledging you have bad feelings other than rage or hate tends to bring them all to the fucking forefront! Her eyes burned, her ears folded back and her tail wrapped around her legs.
Four more days! She chided herself as her forced growls devolved into whines. Keep it together, bitch! You just gotta hold out four more days! Just dig through his shit tonight—fuck, right! Cleaned! Shit! Okay, new plan, go into town later and get some smokes. Maybe see if there's highlights of his fights at some bar. Get some candles or something maybe? Just don't cry, don't fucking cry- fucking dammit!
"What the shit did you do to me?" Loona whimpered as she lifted her head from her arms and ran her thumb over his phone, and droplets fell onto its dark screen. She put it to her nose one more time. Still just her scent. She whined and turned around to sit with her back to the railing. "Damn asshole. ...I fucking miss you so much..."
A breeze blew into the house and she shuddered. On it was a palpable taste of violets blended with something like coconuts. It wasn't the scent though, couldn't be. It'd be stronger. More clear. Lest dusty.
"Loony? Hon, are—Aw, Loony." Shit, what the fuck does he want now? Loona looked up to see Blitzø staring at her, some weird slump in his shoulder and frown on his face. The floorboards creaked and groaned as he walked out to her. She growled when he sat beside her and growled even louder when he wrapped his arms around her. She didn't want his pity! She wanted...she wanted... a red thumb brushed a tear out of her eye. "What's wrong, Loony-?"
"Don't Blitzø," she growled into a whimper, before she forced that into another growl. "Just fucking-Just don't."
"Loony-" She growled at him again and he stopped. "Loona. Is this...it's not a hormone thing, right-?"
"Oh my fuck-I'm not fucking pregnant, you asshole!"
"Okay, shit! I only asked because you've been snappier than usual, damn." Blitzø huffed. "This is about that fucking asshole-"
"Don't act like you're not one either!" She wanted to shove him off, wanted to bite into his neck, but she was exhausted. Crying was exhausting, who knew?
"Loona, he's a fucking royal! Look at where you are right now because of him! You're crying, I haven't seen you cry since..." Blitzø looked away. "Since the day I adopted you."
"I didn't—!" Fuck, his ego was so infuriating sometimes.
"Not during the process, no, but I'm sure you heard the matron much fucking better than I did." Blitzø put his hands on her face and smiled at her. "She said you'd never amount to anything; and I knew right fucking then that you were the missing part of my life. The little girl I always wanted at my side. My sweet, vicious, apathetic Loony-Toony."
Okay, first? Fuck Blitzø for making that load of shit sound somewhat heartfelt. It was so fucking cheesy it reeked and that's why she was crying again. No other reason.
Second, fuck that matron, she's glad that bitch died three years ago. Pissing on her grave after a failed attempt to get laid was a great hazy memory she treasured in her life. The new one's pretty chill, according to Bee, but Loona wasn't holding her breath.
Third, it was awfully suspicious of Blitzø to say something heartfelt without fucking it up—
"I knew that fucking royal bastard would do this to you, wine you up for a cheap and bail when he had the chance. This is why I told you—"
There it is. Indignant fury built in her alongside the hurt and loneliness that were there. Yeah, Blitzø was her dad and the first one that cared, and she was grateful for that, but he was such a fucking asshole!
"I am sick and tired of hearing you putting him down! Why?!" She snarled and pulled the Imp off to grab the collar of his shirt. "What the fuck did he ever do to you, huh? Did he eat your children!? Did he kill your family?!"
"He broke my little girl's heart-!"
"Fuck you!" Loona snapped and threw her 'father' to the deck. "He didn't break up with me, dumbass!"
"Then where the fuck is he, Loona?! He's so great, why the fuck would he just up and disappear-?!"
"Because Lucifer fucking took him!" Loona snapped. She felt something in her chest give and she dropped to her knees. The tears fell freely and she hugged herself. Her tail curled at her feet. "Because Lucifer took him, okay?! Because of what he did at the Hotel, because it was against the fucking rules that you don't seem to remember Hell has!"
"...He...Rules?" Did he, no. No way. No way Blitzø was this fucking naive. Wait, hold on, she did have to get him a book on late stage Hellhound care just so he would lay off on the puppy shit. Not that it stopped much.
"Oh my fucking-Do you even know anything about this shithole?" She asked and she shook her head before he could answer. "Of fucking course you don't. H-He isn't...Naruto didn't leave me. He's being punished, Blitzø. He's being punished for breaking the rules, something we've managed to avoid because 'we don't fucking matter' to them, and that's what he's been fucking doing for the past month! Not ducking out on me! He didn't get a fucking choice!"
"So...He's in Pride's prison?" Fuck, why was he so clueless?!
"No, Fuck." Loona was so tired of dealing with this. She ducked into her arms and whined. She just wanted a Boop. She just wanted her boyfriend back, to hold her and fuck her and Boop her whenever she wanted. She wanted him back so much she could smell him.
Wait. She could smell him? ...Fuck, she really was fucked in the head wasn't she? Ugh, shit, she was going crazy wasn't she? She blamed the lack of cigarettes and Boops.
"Uh, Loona?"
Oh fuck, what now?
"What, Blitzø?" She looked up and rubbed the palm of her hand into her eye and glared at the Imp that wasn't even looking at her. "You wanna tell me how him breaking the rules for his own gain is worse than you doing the same shit?"
"...Well, now that you said it, kind of...but," Blitzø pointed out toward the ranch. "I thought you said he was being punished?"
Her ears flicked to the left before she could finish comprehending the words. There was a soft, heavy padding coming up the dirt road. The breeze blew into the porch again and—
Violet and Almost-Coconut.
Loona was on her feet and off the porch in an instant. Her eyes had zeroed in on the figure approaching from nearby Tall, hound-like but clearly not one, broad shoulders that kept him from permanent twig-status. Wriggly tail going apeshit behind him. Not sure where his shirt was but she was not complaining—she knew that lichtenburg-like patch of peach-colored fur anywhere.
She was sprinting before she registered that maybe she should keep going towards him. Something on his shoulder was dropped with a clatter and he met her about a fourth of the way — huh, she could really move when she needed to — up the dirt path. She slammed into him - chiseled, orange, firm, soft, Violet and Almost-Coconut — and her arms wound around his sides as he returned the embrace.
"Loona." Naruto rumbled her name. Ugh, she missed his voice! She missed his voice? She really was fucked in the head for this bastard.
"Naruto." She scented his throat, neck, chest and everything she could reach. Her tail might have been wagging fast enough to snap off, but she didn't care — any fucker that would call her soft for it will get an exclusive Hellhound-taught lesson in minding their own fucking business — he was here! Whines and whimpers escaped her throat against her will as she nipped, licked and scented him. She pulled back and cradled his face — a gesture that he returned with one set of gentle claws on her face, the other sat on her hip; it could stay right there forever if she had a say in it — before she looked between his gorgeous blue eyes, both still intact and fucking beautiful. "Y-You're really here, right? I'm not fucking hallucinating, am I?"
"No." Shit, his eyes looked wet. If he started crying, she would probably start up again, her makeup was ruined enough as it was. Thanks, Blitzø—His thumb stroked her cheek and his breath teased her tongue. "I'm here, Loon. Back on good behavior"
"...Thank fuck." Loona let out an exasperated laugh and pulled his face down to press into hers.
Nose touched nose and—Euphoria, bliss, sweet fucking relief. Not enough, though. Not enough. Her lips pressed into his and he returned the favor. His hand fell from her face to join the other at her waist as her claws gently raked down over the marks on his cheeks, to twine in his straw-like mop of hair and then wrap around his neck. Their lips molded over and over, before they parted and panted and whined in unison while the faint swoosh of her tail matched pace with the thwish of his.
"I missed you so fucking much." She muttered as her claws dug into his hair and neck.
"I missed you, too." He pushed his head against hers and she nuzzled back. His claws flexed into her hips and pulled her closer to him. "Every. Fucking. Day."
"Never happening again." She grumbled. He huffed a laugh.
"If I can help it."
"Fuckin' better."
Blitzø watched his Loona get held by the fucking Kidnapper and bury her nose in his throat while he rubbed his head against hers and it just...didn't ignite any of the rage he usually felt.
Oh, he was sure it was still there, don't misunderstand, but he felt like he'd be the 'bad guy' if he said anything right now. He didn't know that royals actually faced punishment for shit they did. And from Lucifer himself? Yeah, he was going to sit this one out and keep his mouth shut.
If he ever met the King, though, he was going to give him words for making his Loony cry. Preferably big ones. From a cannon. Which is probably the least of what he needed to defend himself, Moxxie, Millie and Loony from Sin Law if they ever got busted revealing Hell to humans on Earth. Unholy shit, would Stolas actually get in fucking trouble for supporting him? All for a few shags?
"What the fuck am I doing?" Blitzø rested on the porch railing and stared at The Royal Kidnapper and his Loony. He championed a big fucking game about being his own Imp and sticking a middle finger to Hell's restrictions on Imps, but when it boiled down to it, he didn't know what the fuck he was doing half the time. The fact he got away with stealing from a fucking Prince of Hell was a miracle in and of itself; the fact they now have a quid pro quo for use of an actual fucking Goetia Artifact was just—
"It never gets easy, does it?"
"Razor's shitter!" Blitzø jumped and turned to aim his—oh, its just Millie's Dad. ...Jeff? Jake—Joe! Right, Joe. The farming Imp crossed burly beefy arms and kept his eyes out on Loony and the Royal Kidnapper. A sulfuric eye turned to Blitzø and then glanced back. Blitzø looked back, realized the Imp said something, and huffed. "I just don't want her to go through what I did."
"She won't."
"You don't even know what I'm talking about."
"No? Tell me, what do you see when you look out at those two?" Joe asked. Blitzø deadpanned.
"Is that a fucking trick question?" He asked and Joe stared at him. The younger of the two threw a hand out toward the happy canid couple. "It's my daughter being drooled on by some perverted rich asshole."
"Hm. Fair." Joe nodded. "Do you know what I see?"
"Pretty sure it's the same damn thing."
"I see a soldier come back from war."
"Oh, of fucking course you do." Blitzø rolled his eyes. Joe and Lin had this thing about war and combat. No wonder Millie was so good at C-Q-C, all Wrathians were obsessed with it. Awesome for his business, not so much for his personal tolerance meter.
"That boy done seen the horrors of war, you can see it in how he holds yer pup. How she lets him hold her," he said. Blitzø growled and Joe sniffed. "Facts is facts, Blitz. She's a tough'n, that hound o' yers, I won't deny it – I seen many a Hound in my time and the way she carries herself screams fuck aroun' an' fin' out – but even tough ones like t' be held now n' then."
"I can hold her just fine!" Blitzø huffed, glaring out at the two hellborn that were meandering away. Towards a stable, where they would be out of eyesight. That familiar rage started to build up again – he'd given them enough time to hug and kiss and shit! Disappearing from the property was not happening!
"Not like that." Joe shook his head. "Let me tell ya what my daddy told me. Raisin kids s'like raisin' hogs. Ya can protect 'em when they're small, you can love 'em as they grow...but eventually, ya gotta let 'em go. ...Course, then I stabbed 'im so I could have the farm, but that's not the point."
"No shit." He snorted and tried to follow Loona's path before they went around the stable. Annnd he lost them. Nope! He grabbed the railing banister. "Okay, I'm putting my foot down. Loona!"
"Hold on there." Joe hauled him back. "You go out there right now and I can guarantee you won't come back."
"The fuck do you know, Joe?" Blitzø wheezed as he was chucked into a seat. Oomph. That's a Helluva arm, no wonder Millie was so good at throwing things.
"That I've raised four boys, two daughters and one turned out to be the latter." Joe leaned against the railing and scratched his head. "Ya want some advice?"
"I get the fucking feeling I'm going to get some anyway." Blitzø rolled his eyes. He pulled himself out of the divet the throw put him in and put his hands on his legs. One lifted and he sighed. "Alright. Lay it on me."
"Two things. First, I didn't like the little shit Mils brought around the second I met him," Joe said. He crossed his arms and glared up toward the room where Millie and Moxxie were staying. "I still don't like him, and I don't respect him, but that's my right."
Alright, yeah, so maybe Joe got it. Maybe he finally had some support–
"I could keel-haul that little fucker and skin him anytime I wanted, any day of the fuckin' week...But I won't."
Just like that Blitzø's hope for support died faster than a witch drowned.
"Wanna know why? I love my daughter, Blitz. Love all my kids, little shitters they can be." Joe cracked a small smile. "For some Satan damned reason my baby girl is over the moon for that weak-bodied scrawny boy. If I took that away from her, she'd ne'er talk to me 'gain. I don't think I can bear that heartbreak."
"Loony wouldn't...I adopted her; chose her." Blitzø scowled. He tightened his grip on the chair. "She wouldn't–Not after what I've done for her…"
"Now that sounds like a guilt trip." Joe huffed. Blitzø flipped him the bird and he rubbed his neck after a chuckle. "Listen, I like ya, Blitzø, I do. And I'm grateful for your part in Millie's life, givin' her a job where she can kill and fight and get bloody and gritty. And I get where yer coming from, ya understand? I do. But at the end of the day, our opinion is just that. An opinion. And ya can't kill that. But you can sink a relationship, that's why it's a boat."
"...What the fuck does that mean?"
"You push hard enough, and yer little Hound will push back. Something always breaks in that sort of scenario, ya hear?"
"Is this supposed to make me feel better?" He growled. Because all he felt was annoyed and pissed off.
"No, but that leads me t' point number two." Joe grinned. "That feller yer girl ran off with, ya know who he is?"
"Some shithead that Bee-Lzebub took pity on."
"What? No!" the rancher laughed and threw his thumb over his shoulder. "That boy's a semi-finalist in the Elysium Fights! He'd eat ya alive ya mess with them too much!"
"...He's a what?!"
AN: Oh my fucking god, today was no better than yesterday! What the fuck!
And it's so fucking hot! Did someone leave a fucking stove on somewhere?! What is that delicious cooking smell–Oh, it's a fire.
Oh shit, it's a FIRE!
...STEEEEEEEVE!
Remember, it's just fucking Fan-fiction