"Fuck I can't do this…" Ellie exclaimed as she gripped her chest, rubbing it to ease the suffocating pain.

But there was no way she could skip out on this event. She didn't deserve to be called a friend if she didn't show. She took several shaky breaths as her leg bounced up and down sporadically in a nervous tick. She inhaled another shaky breath before finally looking up and staring at her reflection in the mirror.

"Fuck…"

She knew she didn't have that much time until someone came to check up on her. Bathrooms weren't exactly the best place to hide at a graveyard when everyone knew you were already there. A part of her wondered how Dina was holding it together although she had only seen her for a split second before bolting off to the bathroom to hide. Normally, she wasn't one to cry but fucking hell, she felt like bursting into tears in front of everyone.

She'd be damned to do that though.

Another sigh left her lips before her mind wandered off to that day. That instant and that exact moment that Jesse was… Her hand snapped up to her mouth so fast before she ran into a bathroom stall. She vomited whatever was in her system before gasping in disbelief.

Well, this was a first.

She hadn't actually puked prior to this before, but now that she had, she felt terrible for Dina. Her girlfriend puked fairly often compared to her and well, it wasn't the best feeling out there. That's when someone put a hand on her shoulder which made her jump terribly.

"Shit— sorry. I didn't mean to scare you."

Ellie turned before finding loving eyes. It was Dina. She smiled wryly before asking in a weak voice, "Hey… What are you doing here?"

Dina forced a smile as her nose scrunched. "Same reason as you."

Blinking once, it took a second for Ellie to realize the irony of their situation. She let out a tired chuckle before flushing the toilet. "Puking really sucks ass."

She just shrugged. "It does." Once Ellie was up on her feet again, Dina reached out to rub her back. "You okay?"

Her mouth opened and she was about to give her her automatic response before she forced herself to stop. She inhaled through her nose before telling the truth, "No."

Dina rubbed her arm before pulling her in for a hug. "Neither am I." She breathed in Ellie's scent before gently starting, "You know… I don't think I ever thanked you for saving my life. Thank you, Ellie. If it wasn't for you, I probably wouldn't be here right now…"

She bit the inside of her cheek before swallowing back the bile rising in her throat. "If it wasn't for me, we wouldn't have been in that situation in the first place and he'd still be—"

"Ellie, don't." Dina quickly cut off with a serious tone and face before adding, "It wasn't your fault. You didn't know and—"

She pulled back with an anguished face before cutting her off and snapping. "If it wasn't for me, we would have never stepped foot in that place! We wouldn't have been attacked by stupid wolves or run into that son of a bitch that took away Jesse's life!"

Her heart was thundering in her chest and for the first time, she finally said and admitted it out loud.

That Jesse was gone.

Dina pulled away from her and took a step back. She looked clearly devastated as she spoke in a quiet and sad voice. "Ellie… I know you blame yourself but it wasn't your fault. It was just dumb luck and—"

The tension in her jaw could have snapped her bones but instead, she shouted at her girlfriend. "To hell with dumb luck!"

Dina's mouth parted but before she could speak, a solid knock on the wall pulled their attention.

"Ellie… can we talk?"

It was Joel.

Dina ended up letting out a long breath before grabbing Ellie's hand and giving her a gentle squeeze. She then leaned in and kissed her cheek. "I love you…" She then brought up her hand and kissed it before letting go and walking away.

A shaky breath was all that left Ellie's lips. She already missed the warm impression from Dina's hand. She then sighed before looking up at the ceiling and blinking away her tears. After she composed herself, she took in another shaky breath before walking outside and facing Joel. She took another breath through her nose before pulling herself together to respond to him.

"Yes?"

Joel had this look on his face that told Ellie she probably wouldn't enjoy their conversation. His mouth opened but nothing came out. The quiet tension was suffocating and crushing her so Ellie ended up being the first one to speak, or rather, snap.

"You don't have to say it, Joel! I know what I did wrong! It's all my fault!" Ellie practically yelled with a broken voice as she held in her messy tears the best she could. Her face was twisted with pain, regret, anger, and even remorse as she forced herself to confess her crimes. "If I didn't ask Dina to go out with me and had gone home just like Jesse said, we wouldn't have gotten stuck. None of this would have happened and he would still be alive!"

Her voice broke as tears started spilling down her cheeks.

"I killed Jesse. I killed that man!"

Choking out sobs, Ellie had a hard time breathing as she wheezed and pounded her own chest with her fist. "A-And you know what's even the worst part about it, Joel…?" She paused to catch her breath before continuing, "The moment I saw that he was hurting Dina, everything went red. I didn't even hesitate let alone think about what would happen next." She then looked at her shaky hands, remembering the cold sensation of his body pressed up against hers as her hot tears dripped down onto them. "I… I killed someone without hesitation, Joel. I killed someone without hesitation!"

"Hey…" Joel shushed her gently before pulling her into a tight hug. "You did what you had to do to survive baby girl. If you hadn't done what you did, then both you and Dina would have died." He then took a deep breath before starting, "I know that…taking someone's life isn't easy."

Ellie twitched before she weakly held onto his shirt.

"I know what it's like and you know that. It isn't easy. It never is."

Leaning into his chest, Ellie shut her eyes. "I feel sick."

He sighed before rubbing her back. "I'll be honest, that feeling never goes away. It never does. The pain only lessens over time but, there is something you could be proud of. Be proud of surviving. Be proud of protecting yourself and Dina to live another day. You're alive Ellie. That's all that matters. You're alive and a survivor. You didn't choose to do what you did. You're not a murderer. You do best remember that alright? You can't take back what has been done but you can only move forward."

"What if I can't…?"

"Then I'll help you and if I'm not enough," Joel glanced over to the side where Dina was waiting. "I'm sure a certain someone would be glad to be there with you too."

Ellie took in a breath before looking in the direction Joel was looking at. She then sighed before pulling away from his hug. She quickly wiped away her dirty tears before sniffling and when she turned around, she made eye contact with Dina. Her face felt heavy but she managed to give her this awkward wave before Ellie remembered something. Something important that she had been wanting to tell Joel.

Right, Dina.

"Hey, Joel…?"

"Yes, kiddo?"

"Can… can I talk to you later? It's about me and Dina."

Joel gave her this curious look before nodding. "Of course kiddo, you know where I'll be."

They stood there awkwardly and now that the moment passed, Joel finally cleared his throat. "You think you're good to go back now?"

She let out a sigh. That's right. She had a funeral to attend. "Yeah, I think I'm good."

"Alright, I'll… wait for you back at home?"

"Yeah, I'll… see you later."

Joel nodded one last time before rubbing her arm and leaving. Once he was gone, Ellie had a hard time keeping her head held up as she walked back to the grave sight. She caught up with Dina and they held each other's hands before walking together. For some reason, just Dina being there comforted her tremendously. Her warm and soft hand helped lessen her trembling and made sure she wouldn't keel over at any second.

And, despite how well-known Jesse was around town, it wasn't a large event thankfully. It was a private affair and only his immediate family and friends were attending. When they were finally by Jesse's grave, his tombstone, a mix of emotions was swirling within her. She got lost again and felt as if she was drowning in this deep abyss but the moment she lost her breath and couldn't breathe, Dina tethered her back to reality.

"Hey, Ellie." Dina squeezed her hand before nodding ahead.

Ellie followed her eyes and the moment they landed on them, Jesse's parents, she was two seconds away from dropping down onto her knees and begging for their forgiveness. She hadn't visited them since the whole incident because if she did, she wasn't sure if she could walk out of it alive. They hadn't visited her either so she was certain that they hated her for what she had done. Her mouth opened and she needed to say something first and—

Robin's voice cut off her train of thought. "I'm so glad you two are okay." Shortly after, the two of them were being crushed in a tight hug. She squeezed them so hard that Ellie's chest physically hurt from the pressure. She sniffled and cried before pulling back to look at the two in their faces. "Look at your faces!" Her voice was hoarse, raw as if she had been crying for hours, as she wiped away their unknowing tears all while sobbing hideously. "Are you two hurt? Are you getting enough rest?"

Ellie's breath hitched.

She wasn't expecting this. Dina was one thing since they were relatively close but her?

The one who killed their son?

Dina chuckled with this choked sob before smiling pitifully. "I get enough."

Robin sniffled a few more times before her husband finally pulled her away. "Hun, you're gonna hurt them. It's only been a month, they still need rest."

"Oh— right," She snifled again before letting them go. "I'm sorry, I just…" She wiped away her tears before laughing sadly. "I must look like a mess don't I?"

Ellie finally softened her gaze before shaking her head. "You don't look a day over twenty."

"Oh shucks—" She wiped away her tears again before rubbing Ellie's arm. "How are you doing dear?"

Never had she grabbed Dina's hand so fast and squeezed it so hard before. Licking her lips, Ellie bounced her leg up and down in a nervous before forcing a smile. "Like shit."

Robin immediately chuckled at that with a shake of her head. "Language dear."

She gave her a small grin. "Sorry, not sorry."

Dina snorted at that before gently shoving her arm. She then squeezed back Ellie's hand before rubbing the back of it with her thumb. How did Dina know she needed that?

"Anyways, we've just finished for the day. You girls are free to… take as much time as you need." She then turned around and her husband wrapped his arm around her shoulder. "If you ever need someone to talk to, our door is open."

They started walking away but before they could make it far, Ellie jumped forward.

"W-Wait!" They stopped in place and Ellie let out a heavy breath before squeezing Dina's hand again. "H-He was… Jesse was a great guy until the end. He didn't want me near that guy when he showed up. He protected us and he…he saved our lives."

Upon hearing those words, his dad teared up as Robin held back her sobs. "Thank you, dear. Thank you."

For some reason, Ellie felt like some weight was lifted on her shoulders. She watched as the two walked away before she turned to face Jesse's tombstone. After some time, she released Dina's hand before kneeling on her knees. The two of them stood there in silence and after a moment, Dina walked behind Ellie before pulling her into a loose hug. Her arms wrapped around her shoulders and Ellie was quick to grab her hand and squeeze it. A few seconds passed before she spoke up.

"I couldn't protect you, Jesse…" Her eyes felt heavy but at least the weight was bearable this time around. "Thank you for saving me and Dina. We'll never forget you…"

Dina got down on her knees before hugging Ellie tighter. She then pressed a kiss on Ellie's neck before pulling at her shirt. She then took in a deep breath before speaking up as well. "I'll miss Jesse. Thanks for protecting us and well…" She glanced down at her stomach before adding, "I'm sorry I never told you I was pregnant. It wasn't the best time and I just…" Her eyes shimmered before she closed them and continued, "I promise I'll take good care of them and I'll try to keep this idiot out of trouble too."

Jutting her lips at that, Ellie turned around to face her. "Hey—" She shot her a half glare and pout before facing his tombstone and announcing as well, "And I promise to keep this dork out of your ass."

Scoffing at that, Dina bumped her body against Ellie's. "Me? You're the one who stirs up trouble!"

Ellie rolled her eyes before bringing up a point. "Says the one who started a messy snowball fight with kids!"

Not believing her eats, Dina poked back. "You're the one who totally hit one of them in the face though!"

"Those lil' turds were askin' for it!"

"And my point, proven."

They stared at each other silently for a second before finally cracking up. Once they settled down, Ellie gave Jesse's tombstone one last look before getting up. She then turned to face Dina before softly asking.

"You wanna go on a walk?"

Dina smiled before reaching for her hand. "For as long as you'd like."

The two of them made their way across town, ignoring looks as they went. There were so many people loitering around for a Wednesday morning that Ellie couldn't help but clench her hand. Dina noticed that before she grabbed her hand and started rubbing it with her thumb. She took a deep breath before starting:

"You know, when I first got to Jackson, I was so overwhelmed with the people and nature."

Ellie turned to face her, appreciating the distraction, and smiled back before going with it. "I was overwhelmed by all the food, there was a bad shortage in Boston when the riots broke out." She explained before continuing, "When Joel took me here, I remember my first week just gorging myself. Stuffing food in all my pockets for later like it was gonna run out."

Dina immediately gave her a shit-eating grin. "I saw that!"

"You did not!" Ellie scoffed back.

"I did, I remember thinking, 'Who is this string bean girl stealing all the jerky?'"

That made Ellie sigh. "I didn't steal that much jerky."

Dina giggled again before spotting a random box of cat toys. Her face softened up before she cooed out of nowhere, making them stop in front of the box. "Awww, Goony and Ghost woulda love this."

Ellie shot her a judging look. "Um… who?"

Her girlfriend looked at her before chuckling at the bittersweet memories. "They were these feral cats I had before I came to Jackson but they didn't seem to want to leave with us so…" She sighed before admitting, "I miss those scratchy little shits sometimes." Ellie hummed in amusement before Dina asked, "You have any pets?"

She shook her head. "Nah. Was never really my thing."

Dina observed Ellie's features before smiling. "Well, maybe when we're done with…" She glanced down at her stomach and concluded. "All this shit, we can get a nice little creature to take care of."

Ellie cocked an eyebrow before commenting, "On top of our little sucker?" Dina just nodded with a light hum before Ellie tapped her shoe against Dina's. "All right. Deal." She then kissed the back of Dina's hand before they resumed their walk. After a moment of walking, Ellie sighed before starting, "I still haven't told Joel yet…"

"About?"

"Us, and…" She glanced down at Dina's stomach. "Our baby, I… I'm worried about how he'll react. What if he, what if he's against it?"

"Oh Ellie…"

"I mean, we were both shocked by how your sister took the news. She's great! She took it like a champ but Joel, I— I don't know. There's so much shit going on and everything's a mess."

"Do you want me there?"

"No." She quickly shook her head, "I need to do this alone."

"I can walk you to Joel's then," she offered instead, knowing that Ellie could use a little push.

"That… that sounds nice."

They ended up walking the rest of the way in silence and once they were on Joel's porch, Dina faced Ellie before holding onto both of her hands. She looked at her with this soft expression before cupping her cheek and leaning up to peck her lips. "You'll do great and for what it's worth, it's not as bad as it seems…"

"Which part? Telling them you're dating a woman or becoming a parent?"

Her girlfriend sucked in a breath before laughing slightly. "Both? You kinda just have to… rip off the bandaid and drop the bomb."

"Oh god," Ellie laughed before resting her forehead on Dina's. "I haven't been this nervous in well… since forever."

Dina just shrugged. "You'll be okay. He loves you, I can't imagine him treating you differently. Besides, if it makes you feel better, I'm sure he already knows you're gay."

Ellie groaned at that. "I blame Seth."

Giving her a small smile, Dina kissed her cheek again. "You'll have to tell me how he reacts to having a grandkid though, that'll be new."

"Yeah, I will." She enjoyed Dina's presence for a moment before bracing herself for the shitstorm to come. "I'll uh… see you later then."

Dina kissed her lips one last time. "Good luck."

"Thanks."

They finally pulled away from each other and once Dina turned her back, Ellie sighed before facing his door. She took a few breaths before gathering courage and knocking on the door. It didn't take long for Ellie to hear some heavy steps and after a second, the door clicked open. Joel's face softened when he laid eyes on her.

"Hey kiddo, how you doing?"

She just shrugged. "Best I could be I guess."

He nodded before stepping aside and gesturing his hand inside. "C'mon in. It's chilly outside."

Ellie just took a breath before walking inside. He shut the door and once they faced each other, she just jumped the gun before confessing out of the blue.

"I'm gay!"

Joel twitched, clearly not knowing how to respond before a generic sound left his mouth. "Uh…"

"And I'm dating Dina."

Oh god. This was not how she thought this was going down.

"We're together!"

"Oh, okay… I'm…" He paused with this awkward face before smiling at her. "Happy for you kiddo, Dina's good for you. She's a good woman."

"She is…" Ellie quickly agreed with a warm smile before they stood there in awkward silence. Her fingers started clenching and unclenching, itching around nervously before she took a deep breath. She then breathed out before letting it rip, "And you're gonna be a grandpa!"

It took a second to register and Joel blinked before his eyes snapped open. "W-What?!" His jaw dropped before he took a step forward. "I'm what— you're— I'm sorry? What? Ellie. What do you mean?"

If Ellie had a wall to bang her head against, she would do it.

"Ellie. Explain." Joel demanded in a harsh voice, "What do you mean? Are you— are you pregnant? Did someone— did someone force themself on you? Who did this? Tell me who that mother fucker is and I'll—"

"What?" She interrupted with a confused face. "No— oh, god no! It isn't me, it's Dina and I—" Well, that didn't turn out the way she thought. "We're gonna keep it. It was Jesse's and uh… we didn't know until recently and well…" She dragged her boot across the floor causally before adding in a soft, quiet voice. "I asked her to move in with me…"

Joel let out this deep exhale. He then covered his mouth before rubbing his face. The two of them stood there in an awkward silence and Ellie's eyes kept flickering up and down at the floor and his face. She didn't know what to do with herself and the awkward atmosphere wasn't helping her nerves. After a second, Joel looked her in the eyes before asking:

"Have you thought this through? It isn't easy raising a child Ellie." He reprimanded before continuing, "Let alone moving in with someone, you're still so young and it might be too early for you two. There's a lot to consider and—"

"Of course I have!" She abruptly snapped back in defense. "We've talked it through Joel, I want to be there for Dina and our baby."

He let out another sigh before rubbing his bread. "Are you sure?"

"Positive."

Joel just breathed out this strained sigh as he let the news soak in. After a moment, he looked at Ellie before saying, "Okay."

"Okay?" Ellie repeated nervously as she looked at him like a wounded animal.

He breathed in his nose before nodding softly. "Okay." He rubbed his thigh before walking toward the living room. "If that's what you want, I'll be there for you. If you ever need my help, with anything, I'll be here for it."

Immediate release washed over Ellie's face and body. Her body visibly relaxed before she followed him to the living room. "Cool…" She then glanced over at his DVD player before asking, "You want to… watch Curtis and Viper?"

He glanced over his shoulder with a smile. "Sure, which one?"

"The second. That one has been on my radar and I've been meaning to ask you a while back but you know… with all the stuff that has happened, I thought now is better than later."

"Of course kiddo, let me start it up." He went up over and set it all up before hitting the play button. He then looked at Ellie before asking, "Any snacks?"

"I'm good."

"Alright."

They sat down on the same couch but at opposite ends. That was always a part of their routine when they had movie nights together and tonight was no different. After the movie started, they ended up sitting there in silence, and eventually, the awkward tension Ellie felt slipped away. She didn't realize how exhausted she was but at some point in time, her head started bobbing back and forth. She tried forcing herself to keep awake but as her consciousness slipped away, she felt a blanket being draped over her body. The last thing she remembered was Joel brushing away a strand of hair from her face.

"I'm glad you're okay baby girl…" He spoke in a calm and soothing voice, "I'm right here with you."

Ellie couldn't keep her eyes open as she breathed out a soft breath, letting her fatigue wash over and falling asleep. She was exhausted and too cozy and warm to think about anything else. The smell of Joel's home and musky blankets comforted her and she couldn't help but surrender to the darkness behind her eyes.