Date published: 14th December 2022

Sorry about that, had to do NaNoWriMo. Back to our regular schedule.

Chapter 16: Customer Service

"Is Jaqen H'ghar your true name?"
"Some men have many names."

- A Clash of Kings

Asuna scanned the platform of judges and frowned at the lack of Kirito. He had helped her get into training with Ser Reginald at Fort Arrowhead and now he didn't even bother to show up? No, no, he must be busy. No way he'd do that, right?

She trotted Kumo-chan forward, the lance in her right hand and the shield over her left arm a comforting feeling. When she had first started the game, the feeling of armour was unwelcomed, foreign, discomforting. Even when she was fencing for sport, she'd never worn armour this heavy nor for this long. Now, she couldn't imagine going about her day without it. The «Raiment of the Lightning Flash» was lighter than her old hauberk despite having much more steel overall, but that's what happens when your gear is dwarves-forged - you get what you paid for.

Even her lance, ten feet in length, matched her red/white set. It looked like a candy cane in a way, and like candy canes, just as eye catching. As Kirito said, first impressions mattered.

As the crowd cheered, Asuna took the opportunity to examine her opponent: Ser Heathcliff wore a bucket helm, very popular amongst the Deus Vult and low-level crowds; his armour consisted of basic iron vambraces, a red tabard over a mail hauberk; yet he wore no leg armour. His horse was a draft pony, the kind used on farms or by merchants, not really for war except maybe for scouting. Even his lance was unpainted. If she had to guesstimate, he must have been between level 11 or 13, versus her level 19.

But as someone who's been stuck in this death game for a long while, Asuna knew not to underestimate any opponent regardless of level. They approached each other in their own line, separated by the barrier and gave each other respectful nods. He was tall, matching Brother Rays' six feet of height.

"Well met, Captain Asuna. I have heard tales of your exploits," said the helmeted man, his voice deep.

Asuna raised an eyebrow. "Oh, what kind?"

"Many speak the tale of the swordswoman who travels with a black clad merchant. As fast as a cheetah, her rapier sharp and long. I've heard tales of your involvement in the overthrowing of the Mankhlar tyrant alongside Ridwan's Raiders, the Mankhlar's Citizen Militia, and a small army of goblins. Before that, you were also in the very first floor boss fight against Illfang the Kobold Lord with a Knight Diavel. Most impressive."

Well, either this guy had done his research, or more likely, Argo had been spreading tales about their adventures. It was probably the latter, no such thing as bad publicity, yada yada. "Very impressive! Sadly, I'm afraid I don't know you at all, Heathcliff-san."

Though Asuna couldn't see it, she could tell he was smiling. "The wolf not known to the shepherd is more dangerous than the one that is."

"Why are you speaking like you're in a fantasy novel?"

"I thought it would sound cool. I take my roleplaying seriously."

Well, considering the company she kept, Asuna was in no place to judge.

Steward Tupi called for the contestants to get into positions. Asuna turned Kumo-chan around to the other end of the lists, hands flexing on her lance.

There were many variant rules when it came to tourneys. The steppe rules of archery, the desert kingdoms with their magic, the Granumites with their lances, and so on. But tourneys in general were foreign to the Free Tribes, whose horse culture mostly involved racing, either on horseback or against horses, much to her surprise. Not to say they were ignorant, they simply lacked the culture so ingrained in other lands. The Rumine were the exception; they hunted down bison with their long lances and their horse archery was equal to even the people of the steppes. It was decided that the tournament would be using the Granuminte Standard, but much more simplified.

Tupi re-stated the rules briefly:

Striking your opponent anywhere gives you one point, breaking your lance on your opponent gives two points, unhorsing your opponent gives you three points. You only had six passes to earn your points. No attempting to injure your opponent and killing your opponent's horse is an instant disqualification. There were considerations for other rules like penalising misses, but it was decided by the company that it was better to keep it simple.

She turned to see Kirito up on stage, finally, and shot him a smile. He caught her eye and smiled back. She turned back to see Yuuki cheering her on, and even more of the Eternal Watch cheering for their captain.

Asuna patted her steed. "Don't worry, girl. We've got this."

The tourney assistants raised their flag. Someone sounded the horn and the two jousters raced down the lists at sixty miles per hour.

"Ho, hunter, over here! Ladies, this is my good friend, Sinon, Head of Hunting for the Kirito Corporation," called Professor Ramza.

As always when meeting someone new, Sinon scanned the person before her: she was a short, stocky woman, clad in shining lamellar and furs. She held a bespectacled helmet with a hanging aventail under an armpit. Like Sinon, she wore a composite bow on her hip alongside a horseman's axe. The woman had wrinkles from fighting in the sun and a head of grey, a scar over one eye. On closer inspection, every scale of her armour had writing inscribed into it, enchanted no doubt.

A dangerous woman, no doubt in the same league as Brother Rays. Caution was warranted.

Two other similar women stood behind her, but younger, and without the magic armour. They had a couple of mules on hand, both carrying bags and barrels of some kind. Wine, perhaps?

Kirito always told her not to do the whole scanning thing, but the woman's one blue eye was scanning her too. Sinon smiled, and extended a hand. "Well met, um …"

The professor slapped his forehead. "Oh, right! These are the Sisters of Saint Olga, a warrior order dedicated to hunting orcs. This is their leader, Abbess Natalya."

The other woman clasped hers, a strong grip. "Pleasure to meet another hunter. What do you hunt, Head of Hunting Sinon?"

"It's just Sinon. Well, usually anything Kirito needs, but my specialty is beasts. Lately, it's been undead."

Natalya smiled, showing off missing teeth. "Ah, I like this one, Ramza. Could use more of her in our order."

Sinon recalled Kirito saying that the professor was seeking help. This must have been them. "Do you often go on vacation with a retinue?"

"Retinue?" She turned around, as if just noticing the others following her. "Oh, right. I forgot you two were here."

"Very funny, ma'am," said the one with the bobcut. Actually, both of them have bob cuts, dyed white too. Had Sinon not seen them closer, they would have looked like twins.

"We are here to assist with the situation," said Bobcut 2. "The war against the Orcs has gone cold, so we focus our power on other dangers. Our order treat the threat of the Koischei with the utmost seriousness. That's the undead, by the way."

"Do you only hate undead?"

"We also hunt necromancers," said Bobcut 2. "And heretics."

"And vampires," said Bobcut 1.

"And heretics."

"And ghosts."

"And heretics."

"And orcs."

"And heretics."

"And litterers."

"Litterers?"

"They're worse than heretics!" said Bobcut 1.

"Not a big fan of heretics, huh?"

"Littering is a form of heresy," she stated with the confidence having hundreds of years worth of theology backing her up. She looked up to the sun as if noticing the time. "Mistress, we've yet to find lodgings. The inn down the road is filled, and we don't have space to set up tents. And we also have to keep our supplies safe."

"And why haven't you found any, Sister Yulia? I gave you an hour to find one."

"Sister Yulia was too busy ogling at the handsome shirtless natives," said Bobcut 2.

"Ulyana, shut up! No, I was busy asking for lodgings, but someone was saying our haircuts looked dumb, so I smote him as I would any heretic," said Bobcut 1.

"She punched him in the jaw."

"Please don't start any more brawls," Sinon pleaded.

"Oh, I can help with that," said Ramza. "I'll have someone escort these ladies to their lodgings and take their supplies to the warehouse."

"And what will you be doing, professor? Will you be enjoying the tournament?"

Ramza brushed her off. "Oh no, I'm afraid I have no eye to appreciate the martial excellence of the lance. I prefer my books. I will be in the library studying the necromancer's tome."

"Necromancer's tome? Heretical texts?" said Yulia, her hand going to her mace, ever so slightly glowing. Sinon's own hand reached for her hunting knife.

It was unnecessary, as Abbess Natalya's palm met contact with Yulia's forehead with a hearty thwack! "Calm down with that smiting, girl! You'll make us look bad! Don't worry, huntress, I'll keep them in line."

As they left, Sinon only then recalled what she was doing. Oh, right. Checking up on the sheriffs.

A makeshift station was set up in the very middle of Fort''s lands. Well, it was more of a shack with a roof on it. There, the sheriff Chitra was sitting behind a desk, picking at her nails with a knife. Nearby were a dozen logs set into the ground, half of them had people bound to them.

Chitra saluted the hunter. "Hey, boss. Keeping the peace, as you've ordered."

Sinon gestured to the tied prisoners. "Drunks?"

"Too much corn beer. They'll sober up soon enough."

"Be sure to collect any fines, the company needs it desperately."

It was then Hugo came up to her, moving fast despite his armour. "Sir, a word. The mage needs to see you."

"I just spoke with the professor."

"Not, not him. The other one."

The sheriff led her to the apprentice mage Ava standing under a tree. The young sorceress looked glum and out of place with her winter coat on. "I will get to the point, the customers are in the way of work. I can't weave my spells when tourists are too busy bothering me. Some rich nobles even brought their personal painters to the cell! And they had the audacity to ask me to heat up their frozen paints!"

Ah, that. Kirito did mention this could be a problem. "Isn't Git Guld in charge of that?"

"He's taking his lunch break but hasn't come back. What should be happening is the tourists exiting the dungeon in the meantime. The schedule's way off, these spells need proper upkeep."

Man, she really didn't want to do this. She was supposed to check on the sheriffs, then be on her way to woo Kirito before that damned Rat got her grubby paws on him again.

"Fine, let's go. Hugo, ready your baton."

There were far more people in the fort's courtyard than she expected, easily a hundred in total. The crowd were yelling about the long wait times, about the weather, and all sorts of things. As someone who worked in retail and had dealth with her fair share of Karens and Elons, the sight of them was likely to send her running more than staring down another Fowlbear.

A quick order was given to the guards manning the walls, and the crowd was already herded out of the courtyard.

As they did so, Sinon recalled the discussion they had on turning the dungeon of the Conotocaurius into a tourist trap was viciously argued against by literally everyone in the company and the Watch, Tupi most of all for reasons obvious.

"C'mon, we'll turn it into a zoo! People pay big bucks for that!" argued the CEO.

"Have you not watched Jurassic Park? You know what the moral of the story is, right?" argued Asuna.

"The moral of the story is, obviously, the people running the place should have dinosaur insurance and have the guests sign a waiver to negate the company of all and any responsibilities."

"C'mon, Kii-bou, don't be an idiot," said Argo.

Asuna sighed. "You know what, I'm not even gonna say anything."

"What they should have done is trained the dinosaurs as Bio-Organic Weapons and have the Pentagon fund them. We'd have dino cavalry in no time! Who cares about zoo money when you've got Uncle Sam money!"

"I don't know what Jurassic Park is, but don't you think letting civilians in close contact with the Devourer of Nations is a good idea?" asked Tupi, reasonably worried.

Kirito waved a hand to Ava. "Lady mage, if you'd please."

Ava began thumbing through her little spellbook. "Well, it has been a long time since the time of Aincradius and Wicasa the Wise. The enchantments weaved into Baro the Bricklayer's foundations are still holding up, aside from the supernatural coldness. The Prisoner should not be able to mind control anyone. As long as I'm able to do my spellweaving every few hours or so, progress will be fine."

"Shouldn't be able to?" askedTupi.

"I am 99% sure there would be no mind control of any kind! Besides, we do need the money."

"Are you a wizard, Tupi? No. So if the expert says it's okay, then I say it's okay!" said Kirito, rubbing his hands. "We've already got merchandise ready from my contacts elsewhere. Baubles, t-shirts, hats, the works! It would stupid of us NOT to do it."

Tupi sighed. "I don't know, it seems a bit too dangerous …"

It was at that moment Kirito produced a piece of paper from his robe. "Here's our projected profits."

It took Tupi a grand total of five seconds to read the entire thing. "Yes, we are definitely doing this."

For once, it was Sinon who argued against it. "I'm already bored of killing undead, Kirito. Is this really wise?"

"If we overshoot the projected million Col goal, I'll buy you that siege crossbow you wanted."

"I also think this is a great idea."

Damn that Kirito and his silver tongue. Speaking of tongue, she'd wondered what more he could do with it later …

"Um, Miss Sinon? You're drooling," said Hugo.

Sinon wiped her chin. "No, I'm not. Shut up and get to work."

The stairs down the dungeon were cramped, as expected of such ancient architecture. It was barely two men in width and it took the knight a fair amount of dragging and yelling to get the people in queue to get out. If the baton wasn't sufficient, then Sinon's glare was. Yet despite the dishonorable act of line cutting, descending still took them a fair amount of time.

The three of them finally reached the bottom of the dungeon and Hugo was already shivering despite the gambeson on him. Sinon, ever the experienced ranger, handled it better than most. The dungeon room was overflowing, clearly so, easily fifty people plus, far above the set limit. People were swarming the gates, groping, putting their ear to it. Finely dressed folk were arguing with each other as painters were trying to heat up their pants. Sinon was pretty sure she saw someone licking it.

They peeked into the shack and sure enough, Guld wasn't back yet. The stalls selling the merchandise were being overwhelmed. Hansel and Gratel, and some of the fort's inhabitants, most of which were part of the Old Families, were trying (and failing) to stem the horde of angry customers. It was retail hell.

"Get everyone's attention," said Sinon.

Hugo grabbed his baton and buckler and swashed his buckler. "Order! Order! In the name of the Eternal Watch!"

His loud voice boomed within the stony hall. Everyone stopped what they were doing. The retail workers thankful for the respite, quickly made their way to the exit. Sinon grabbed a chair from the office to stand on and addressed the crowd.

"Listen up, everyone! The dungeon is closed for the hour! Leave now and come back later. You can leave your souvenirs here for now until we can get them packaged properly!"

"But we'z been standing in line for an hour! You's want us to go back outside for another hour?!" said one of the customers, a burly man in a pilgrim's robe.

Sinon raised both hands. "I'm sorry, but we need to clear the dungeon to do maintenance on it. Otherwise, that prisoner there might break out, and you really don't want that."

Of course, telling a crowd what not to do was never a smart idea. "We paid good money to enter!" screeched an overdressed woman.

"And your admittance fee still counts! Just come back in an hour, have some meals, or go watch the tourney! You'll have ample time to visit the dungeon!"

Hugo pointed his baton at one of the people near the gate. "Oi! You! Stop licking the damn gate!"

The man did not cease the licking and at closer inspection, his tongue was frozen to the bronze slabs.

The crowd grumbled, still angry, but nowhere near as difference between a crowd and a mob is simply the amount of anger they were feeling. Slowly but surely, the (metaphorical) heat died down.

"Alright, everyone. We appreciate your cooperation. Be sure to carefully go back the where you came and -"

There was a shift in the air, the very coldness of the dungeon became colder just for the briefest of moments. The crowd multiplied, after images as something expanded through the fabric of reality.

Sinon's body reacted before her mind could comprehend. She caught the missile in hand with a speed that would impress Asuna.

It was one of Kirito's painted figurines, a generic looking Eternal Watchman in armour, with a painted face.

"Who threw that?!" Hugo roared. "Who fucking threw that?!"

"Hugo, calm down! It's nothing."

The thrower exposed himself, a man in a cloak, face hidden in his hood. "I paid good money to be here, you can't tell me to piss off!"

"He's right!" said a random woman. "We demand to take our sweet time to see the Conowhatsitsface!"

"The price's too high!" shrilled another voice. "Greedy merchants! We want refunds!"

And just like that, the crowd was turning into a mob. A hundred of them chanted "Refund!" over and over, booming even in the already massive hall of the dungeon.

One of the brazier's tipped over, spilling hot coal onto the ground. Someone caught on fire, screaming their heads off.

"Uh oh," said Ava.

"Uh oh, indeed." Sinon only had her knife and bow, not her preferred good weapons in such close quarters (since, for much of the game's existence, she refused to engage in close quarters). Not for the first time that the hunter regretted turning down Argo's offer in teaching her hand to hand. One of the crowd was advancing towards her.

"You got a spell to get us out of here?" asked Sinon, as she descended the chair she stood on.

"No, but I got something that could help."

"Get to it." Ava retreated into the office shack. Hansel and Gretel, sensing the trouble, retreated back to Sinon.

Missiles filled the air, mostly a combination of baubles, toys, and other knick-knacks. Hugo held up his shield and whacked an offending leg of meat away (who the hell throws away perfectly good food like that?!).

"Orders, sir?"

"Only one, soldier."

A big man came towards her, raising big meaty fists.

Sinon grabbed the back of the chair and slammed it into him, the piece of furniture exploding into a dozen pieces. She tipped a broken chair leg with the tip of her foot and caught it.

"Survive."

Argo took great delight as she slammed the man into the table with a 10/10 German suplex. With the agility of an experienced wrestler, she got back on her feet and turned around.

Said victim of the perfect suplex stood on his head for a solid five seconds before his body fell over like a tree, throwing a not small amount of dust into the air. She hoped he survived or his mates would be suing the company. Kii-bou was still angry the last time she got involved in a bar brawl and cracked some skulls.

She dusted her hands off and placed her fists on her hips, biceps flaring. "Right, so anyone else wanna make trouble?"

The players stared at their fearsome leader lying on the floor in a small puddle of his own drool. There were four of them, they had blades in their hands, were all bigger and armoured, and yet they hesitated charging a small unarmed woman.

SAO may not have firearms but she'd like to think they were intimidated by the size of her guns. She's been working really hard on them, ever since she noticed Sinon and Asuna also trying to bulk up, in a pathetic attempt to seduce Kirito. Too bad girls, there's only one amazon in this company and that's her.

"Well, you wanna pick him up or you're gonna stand there gawking?" she asked. In the distance, she could spot big ol' Shaste jogging up to them.

"Or do you wanna rush me with those dinky blades of yours?" Argo knocked her knuckles on her bare stomach, it was like knocking on wood. "Maybe find out how stab-proof these bricks, huh?"

At that, the players of guild of whateverthehell hauled their leader by his arms and ran off with tails between their legs.

Argo turned to the bartender, a player rather than an NPC, frowning at her. "You could have done that without breaking my furniture, you know."

"I was trying out my new «Tavern Brawler» perk!" Despite the name, it worked in any place that wasn't taverns. Double damage when you throw random furniture (or in her case, throwing random people into furniture), with a bonus 10% chance to knock people out. It still needed testing. You can never fully trust SAO's UI like this.

"Don't care, you're paying for the table."

"I saved your establishment from these dickbags- gah!" No good deed goes unpunished.

The bartender frowned. "If I don't get a new table I'll be lodging a complaint."

Damnit. Kirito hated getting those. Apparently, he actually cared for the complaints brought to him instead of just throwing it to the side and only lying he'd get things fixed. The boy would not have a career in politics.

Shaste arrived too little too late. "What took ya', big guy?"

"Shaste got lost, had to ask for da'rections."

"Please get this prestigious lord here a new table from the warehouse. And be quick about it."

"Yes, Mouse Ma'am!" said the big fella, as he lumbered off in the completely wrong direction. Ah, he'll get there eventually.

This was the fourth fight she had to break. Usually, the Watch and the sheriffs could handle this no problem but the whole tournament thing had gotten Argo all wound up like a spring and there's nothing better than taking it out in a good ol' brawl. Even back in school, whenever Argo was stressed, she'd spend time with the punching bag or sparring with her old man.

A sense of melancholy washed over but she kept it shut instantly. No, she was getting out of here, with Kirito, and everyone else, she was sure of it.

One might wonder if that's something Head of Advertising should do, but Argo would argue that how the company can provide adequate security to their clients/customers was, if you look at it in a certain way, a form of advertisement.

Still, now she was bored, and still had time before lunch. What should she do now?

An eruption of cheers reminded her of the whole tourney thing. "Oh yeah."

Argo cringed as the lance exploded upon Asuna's shield. And here she thought that the suplex she gave the guy was bad.

At that, the entire tournament roared and applauded. She hadn't heard this much enthusiasm since that one time she and Kirito went to a concert. More cheering, more sore throats, more drink, more profit. Vendors went up and down selling beer and buttered corn.

She had only just arrived to watch the joust. Nearby, an energetic purple haired squirt had waved her over and here they were, watching by the fence.

"Come on, rival! You can't lose to him!"

Ah, the weird rival thing. Asuna had mentioned about her new squire. "How's it going?"

"It's been four passes, with Asuna with eight points and the other guy with ten. They've broken fours lances in total already!"

Indeed, the dirt was littered with debris. So much so, the referee had people clear them away for safety reasons. On the platform, Argo could spot Kirito chatting with the judges, too far to see his face.

Asuna trotted over to them and dismounted with the grace of an experienced horseman. "Water!"

Yuuki was immediately on it with a big canteen of water. Asuna pried her helmet off and took a long chug. "Aah! Damn, that bastard is a tough nut to crack."

It was bad form to take pleasure in someone else's hardship but no one ever said Argo was a nice person. "Nyehehe, not the easy pickings you thought, isn't it, Aa-chan?"

Asuna pried off her arming cap, leaned over and washed her head. Once again, Yuuki appeared with a towel. "The guy's good. Not even when Ser Reginald pulled his gloves off was he this hard, and the man's a good jouster himself."

"Untrue, rival! You've got five points, he's got seven. You're almost caught up, don't doubt yourself."

Asuna looked surprised at the compliment. "Thank you, Yuuki. That is very nice of you."

She folded her arms. "Of course, if you lose, and that's a definite possibility, then you will cease to be my rival. Can't have second rate losers be a rival to Absolute Sword!"

"And there it is."

"Squirt, do you even know how to ride a horse?" asked Argo.

"I've ridden carts, same thing really! And hey, you're little yourself."

"I've a few years on you, kiddo. And a bit higher level too."

Yuuki rolled red eyes. "Whatever. Why don't you go back and munch on some whey, or whatever it is you meatheads eat."

Argo's eye twitched. "Listen here, you little -"

The horn blew again. Asuna threw the towel on Yuuki's face and clasped her helmet on. "Sorry, gotta go!"

"Good luck, Aa-chan. Don't embarrass yourself in front of Kii-bou!"

Argo laughed as she saw Asuna's face go red as she slammed down her visor before trotting to her end of the lists. Yuuki looked confused. "Who's Kii-bou?"

"Oh, you know, Kirito. Long hair, pretty face, slim waist?"

"Ooooh, that's the boy Asuna was wrestling."

Argo coughed. "W-wrestling?"

"Yeah, they were hugging each other really hard, their faces really close to each other. I think they were practicing biting techniques. That's what wrestlers do, you know."

The Rat looked away. "Yeah, sure, Yuuki."

"Kirito was really sweaty too, I could tell because he was shirtless. Pretty sure Asuna was taking off his pants when I saw them practicing in the tent."

"Yuuki, how old are you?"

"Thirteen, why?"

"Nothing. Never mind." That slut! How dare he?!

Yeah sure, she said he was totally fine with him pursuing other women, but that doesn't mean he should. Still, at least poor Asuna was getting some. Really, Asuna's a pretty girl, and Sinon wasn't bad looking herself either. The image of the two of them ganging up on him, tying him up, with Asuna's long thick legs wrapped around his head, Sinon's wide back flexing as she manhandled him was kinda hot.

Then, as they held him in place, she could pull off his underwear and -

Argo's face felt warm. Oh no. Oh no no no no. Was she into that sorta thing?

Before she could question her kinks, someone came up to her shoulder: a very exhausted looking Gretel.

"Oh hey, what's up-"

"Argo-san, there's a riot in the dungeon."

"Hahah! This joust is a riot! I haven't had this much fun in months! Fine stuff, reminds me of the good old days," said Commander Roger Lionel Emeri of the Mankhlar City Militia. He took a swig before continuing. "I must thank you again, Lord Kirito. It's nice to be out of the city. Do you know how exhausting it is to train urbanites to not be prejudiced against their goblin comrades?"

"You're most welcome, commander," said Kirito, though barely attention to him, his eyes glued to Asuna.

Emeri continued. "Your student is a most adept jouster, Ser Reginald. You have trained her well."

"Yet this stranger is no slouch himself," said Tupi, frowning. "It would be bad form for the captain of the Watch to lose to some unknown hedge knight."

"Asuna won't lose, she's better than him!" argued Kirito, almost spilling his drink.

Rays chuckled. "Of course you'd say that."

The merchant ignored him. "What's the score now?"

"Asuna's five to Heathcliff's seven, she can still beat him but it is a close one, either of them could win it, really," said Commander Emeri. "I hope she does, I've bet my money on her."

Kirito made a face. "You're gambling within my demesne?"

"I hope I have not offended my gracious host …"

"No, it's not that. I'm just angry I haven't thought to tax it!"

Kirito slouched in his seat and tugged at his collar, his fingers brushing against the hickey Asuna planted on him. First it was Argo overpowering him, then Sinon's furious makeout session and now Asuna was just being bitey about it. He really must have a thing for dominant women. Not that he minded of course.

Asuna's shield with Wicasa's Owl still held, but the Heathcliff fellow had switched to a new one. They were getting back into position.

"Ser Reginald, what would Asuna need to do to win this?"

The knight twirled his mustache, thinking. "If Asuna could get a headshot and topple her opponent, she would be in the lead in the points. But that is unlikely, and I have trained her against it. Too dangerous, her opponent's lance might dip and kill her horse, or the imbalance would send rider and mount sprawling."

"So she can win!"

"They have two more passes to go, She better, lest she sully my name." The knight laughed. "I shall pray to Aincradius for her fortune."

Kirito bit his lip and squeezed his armrest. At this point, all he cared for wasn't the profit, but it was to see her win.

The bugle sounded and the jousters were off once again. Both contentast raised their lances and leveling them at each other.

Watching a joust was like watching a car crash. Seeing two massive things going at each other at top speed for the purpose of crashing into each other was morbidly fascinating. ar, as beta testers slammed into an army of monsters, it was positively beautiful.

The two opponents had come to a silent agreement on where to meet and both of them couched their lances and raised them - Asuna's white tip vs Heathcliff's dull grey.

But unfortunately, her aim was off. Her lance glanced off his shoulder as Heathcliff leaned away, the force of impact prying the leather pauldron off him. Kirito wanted to shout.

His hopes died down as Heathcliff's lance struck her shield, but did not shatter. Yet, the crowd cheered again. He had won more points.

For once, Kirito saw Ser Reginald angry. "Dammit! The bastard lowered his shield at the last second! He baited her!"

"What about the points?!"

"Asuna has six points, Heathcliff has eight. Even if she won the next bout with a lance break, it would be a tie," explained Tupi. He checked his ledger. "We do have a plan if there's ties, right?"

Commander Emeri h'mmd. "It's not too late to change my bets, is it? Oh come now, Lord Kirito, I am joking!"

"There's one pass left. There's only one chance for the captain to win pointwise, and that's by toppling Heathcliff from his horse," explained Ser Reginald.

Kirito gulped. "So, do you think she's got a chance?"

The look on his face said it all. "I am staying optimistic!"

Kirito frowned. "Tupi, call for a break. I'm going to talk to Asuna."

Before the steward could protest, Kirito made way down backstage towards her tent, feet stomping. He noticed a lack of guards about. He'll have a word about that with Hwiatha about that; he was in charge for security today.

The merchant saw the captain dismount her horse, reaching for a waterskin. Where was that purple haired girl, wasn't she supposed to be squiring for Asuna?

"You good?" he asked.

"I'm fine."

"So you're not."

Asuna looked like she was going to throw her helmet away. "I'm behind in points, no way in hell I can win this." She averted her eyes. "This is going to be so embarrassing."

"Win or lose, Asuna, you're still my -" Loyal bodyguard? Friend? Lover? "- my, I mean, the captain of the Watch. The men will still respect you if you lose."

"No they won't! They'll make fun of me constantly, I know it!"

"Yeah, they totally will."

She narrowed her eyes at him. "'Sides, aren't you supposed to support me, tell me I'm great and I'm gonna beat my opponent and all that?"

He smiled. "If there's one thing I can count on, it's your boundless determination."

Both of them turned to see Heathcliff on the other side of the list. The man had taken off his helmet, looking no worse for wear. He was drinking water from a cup. Odd how the man had no squire, well off as he was.

He turned back to her. "If you can topple him, you'd be in the lead."

"Yes, my six becomes a nine, beating his eight. But you're assuming I do just that, and you're assuming he misses me. If he hits me, it'll be a tie."

"Then don't let him hit you."

Asuna snorted. "Easier said than done."

Kirito grabbed her hand and pulled her back into her tent, away from the prying eyes of the crowd.

"Wait, what are you …"

A long riiiip sound filled the tent, as Kirito tore off his left sleeve, exposing his undershirt.

"Hold on a second, do you know how expensive that was?!"

Wordlessly, he took Asuna's arm and began tying it around her right bicep. "In ages past, a knight would seek his lady's favour, and the lady in turn would give a piece of her to the knight: a ribbon, a handkerchief, a scarf, that sort of thing.

"With this as my favour, you will bring victory to us all." He took her hand and kissed her knuckles. "And you're going to do just that, aren't you, my captain?"

He took her face in his hands and gave her a long and passionate kiss. Asuna wrapped his arms around him and leaned into him. This was not the lust filled makeout session of before, but something more warm, more loving.

Their lips parted and Asuna's face was almost as red as her hair. "Maybe I should try struggling more if this is my reward," she said.

Kirito laughed and pecked her on the cheek. "Right, I've a plan, but it's a bit risky …"

"Taking risks should be the company motto at this point."

"Right, this is what you're gonna do."

He explained it to her, she considered it thoughtfully. "Well, you think you can do it?"

At that, Asuna smiled. "Have ye' so little faith in me, milord?"

He returned to his seat on the stage later. Tupi eyed him. "What happened to your sleeve?"

"Don't worry about that. Let's just enjoy the show, gentlemen."

The referee called for the last pass. Both opponents took their places for the final joust. He would be lying if he said he wasn't worried. Of course he had faith in Asuna! But …

He was so deep in his worries the bugle sounding off made him jump in his seat. If Kirito thought the crowd was wild before, they were fanatical now. People chanting Asuna's name over and over, but even with her name, her rank and her popularity, he could hear cheering for Heathcliff too.

They were closing in on each other. He couldn't watch, and like the coward he was, he covered his face.

The crash, the crack, the sound of a body hitting the floor, followed by the cheer. It was followed by thunderous clapping.

A slap on the shoulder jolted him out of it. "That's my lass, she won!" said Ser Reginald with a teacher's pride.

"Hah, told you she'd win!" said Tupi as he laughed. "You can open your eyes now."

He did just so and the scene in the lists astounded him: the prone body of Heatchliff on the floor, a gnarly dent at the top of his helmet. Asuna standing on her stirrups, pumping her broken lance in the air. Flowers were thrown, many of whom were from the Watch.

Kirito let out a breath he didn't realise he was holding and slumped in his chair.

Commander Emeri shoved a mug of beer in his hand. "Fine show, fine show! You sure know how to throw a tournament, Lord Kirito."

Kirito allowed himself to puff his chest with pride as he sipped his drink. "Easy peasy, anyone can do it." His hand was still shaking.

Asuna turned her horse about and waved. He waved back, smiling.

It was a bright sunny day, business was booming, he was surrounded by good friends, drinking good beer, and three beautiful women were in love with him. It was so good, he may actually have to thank Akihiko-san if Kirito were to bump into him. Not bad for a so called Death Game.

Absolutely nothing, and he meant nothing, not even a torn robe, can ruin this day.

It was at that point Lieutenant Hwiatha appeared behind him and whispered into his ear. "Chief, we got trouble."

"Damn, looks like everyone had a go at Argo or something."

Everyone in the room glared at her. "Geez, okay! Sorry for making a joke!"

Robert's shoulders dropped. "It is of no matter, Miss Lisbeth. Still, it goes to show the men are fully equipped and trained to handle the enemy!"

"The enemy?!" Kirito almost shouted. "Those were our customers!"

The big man folded his arms. "With all due respect, lord, these were rioters assaulting our men. They were a threat that we dealt with."

Lisbeth gestured to the mummy that was Hugo. "Poor boy here looked like he was run over by a stampede of bison. And Sinon-chan is no better."

"I'm completely fine."

"You have a black eye."

"My eyes are blue."

"You know what I mean!"

Sinon looked terrible. In fact, the entire infirmary looked terrible. Sinon had a black right eye and a busted lip; Hansel had a broken arm on the account of getting his sister Gretel out of the dungeon; but Hugo was the worst of all: a broken leg, busted ribs, and a massive lump on his head courtesy of a large-scale toy of Wicasa the Wise. Of the people who were in the dungeon, only the apprentice Ava seemed to be fine, thanks to her spell.

"It is good that I taught you that word, didn't I," said Professor Ramza. "And you said wards were useless. But five minutes? You need to work on that."

Ava bowed slightly. "I will endeavor to continue my studies in protection magic, professor."

Kirito shook his arms wildly. "I've got an entire field infirmary outside and almost a hundred injured people. Someone's missing half their tongue! What the hell happened?"

Sinon retold the tale: there was a riot of angry customers being told to exit the dungeon, then it got violent. Gretel and some of the retailers were able to escape and inform everyone of the riot. The rest of them would have been even more injured had Ava not set up a ward. and it took a third of the Watch led by Master-at-Arms Robert with shields and truncheons to disperse the crowd. Some members of said crowd were currently threatening to sue.

"Damnit, Robert! Why didn't you use flashbangs and water cannons?!"

"I don't know what those things are, lord."

Kirito took a deep, deep, breath and exhaled slowly. "It's fine. It's fine. Tupi, the people who are threatening to sue, offer them a complimentary free breakfast and sweet talk them, give them a souvenir or two, but nothing above 15 Col. Robert, double the guards in the dungeon. Get people to clean up the mess. We're only day one of the tournament, and I won't have a teeny tiny riot ruin our plans."

"Yes, lord. Anything else?"

"Where on earth is Git Guld?!"

Nezha stared at the face for a long time. Effigies they were called, if he remembered correctly. Not the big burny ones, the statue kind, carvings of the deceased in their best forms. Kinda like sacrophogi.

This one that he had taken an interest in was a handsome man, an elf if the pointy ears were any indication, clad in the simple fighting leathers favoured by the Free Tribes. Upon his chest was a bow and three arrows. The woodcarving was completely immaculate, almost lifelike. It, and the others in the room spooked him. It wasn't even the dead people in them; he'd slept in enough tombs, cemeteries and graveyards. No, it was how … unnervingly real they looked.

Sneaking into the dungeon was easy, Nezha had done so before when he was employed, just for the sake of it. He always wondered what was up with the hallways that ended in rubble.

It was at that point, his new friend walked up to them and whispered. He didn't hear what it was, but the rubble dematerialised, as was the wall behind it.

"Illusory walls? I thought those were just rumours, like the Dire Rabbit. How did you know?"

PoH merely shrugged. "I know a lot of things."

His new friend (?) had been gone for a while, Nezha wondered when he'd be back.

It was at that moment he felt a hand touch his shoulder, a great coldness gripped his soul as it was released from his mortal form.

Nezha turned around. "DON'T! Don't do that."

"What, afraid of a little dead people?" PoH chuckled.

"N-no!" he said, unconvincingly. "It's these statues, man. Too realistic for my liking."

"The game calls them gisants, by the way. I see you've got our little hideout set up."

Said room was a typical barracks, the kind seen in many a fortress: the room was a particularly long rectangle, covered in cobblestone, with lovely wooden paneled walls, decorated with carvings of trees, deer and owls.

On the high ceiling, the long dead chandelier was now relit (after some finangling with a candle at the end of a spear) and in place of beds were the two dozen sarcophagi, the faces of the resting looking almost cheerful in the dancing firelight.

Speaking of which, in the middle of the room was a roaring fire. It was the only source of warmth against the supernatural chill of the tomb. Not enough to completely fend it off, but sufficient that Nezha didn't need to wear his cloak. The room was sufficiently large that they could spread out their bedrolls too. He knew some players just spread out their bedrolls on flat sarcophagus, while understandable, struck Nezha as completely in poor taste, virtual people or no.

Nezha smiled and spread his hands about like a proud homeowner. "Thanks, made it as homey as I could. Even got us some folding chairs and coffee broiling." It's a good thing Nezha always brought a broom around, stuff was dustier than a necromancer's cove.

"Well, it better be enough for three."

"Three?"

From the doorway, PoH dragged a bound man onto his shoulder with surprising strength for someone so lanky, and dropped him onto one of the bedrolls with as much care as delivery people dropping packages at Nezha's doorsteps.

The smith's eyes widened. "Guld? What the hell -"

Git Guld looked up to both of them, still struggling against his binds. He was gagged, but PoH ungagged him soon enough. "Who the hell do you think you are?! You know who you're fucking with?!"

"I -" Nezha then recalled he still had his glamour on. Guld had no idea who he was.

"1v1 me, you piece of -" then, PoH, with a simple pinch on the back of his neck, he was out.

"I'd thought he'd never shut up."

"What did you -" Nezha just barely caught the katana that PoH threw at him.

"Oh that? Elven nerve pinch. Learned it from some monks in the mountains. Very useful, a bitch to get though. 450 Unarmed, that's an insane prerequisite."

"Not that! This!" He pointed at the unconscious body of Guld. "What the hell did you do that for?"

"Well, I wasn't gonna kidnap one of the guards, but he saw me trying to cast the riot spell, and I had to take him out."

"You did what?!"

So he explained: when Nezha was busy setting up their hideout within the many halls of the dungeon, PoH was trying to incite a mass riot by scribbling some runes on the ground. Guld caught him while PoH was trying to escape, got the drop on him, before returning to finish the spell.

"These spell components aren't cheap, you know. Players can't directly cast spells, so we're stuck doing lame ass rituals instead. You shoulda see the blue haired chick's face, it was diabolical."

"Hold on a sec, I just wanted to hurt Kirito, not Sinon-san, or Guld-san, or anyone else!"

"And what, you expect us to drop a flaming bag of dog turd on his step? Or maybe place a bucket of water over his bedroom door? You signed up for this, my guy."

"Well, I mean …"

PoH turned the knocked out Guld over, producing a vial from a pocket and pouring a nasty looking green liquid on his face. "You better belt that katana on, you're gonna be him in a few minutes. You will cease becoming who Nezha, the ex-smith, now you will be Git Guld, soldier of the Eternal Watch."

Anyway, couldn't do October because of other reasons. If you followed Sinonon, I explained it there but basically, tried to write another fic, wasn't able to do it, and had to scrap it.

Next up, next chapter of Sinonon.