Urrrgh...
As Asuka realized now, belatedly, there was one thing that had been quite nice about her hotel room. Sure, it had been somewhat on the small side (but then, what was not in Japan?), and it had been very impersonal and sterile. But at least it had a bed. Here, in the provisional apartment she had to share with Rei of all people, she was supposed to sleep on a futon. Maybe the Japanese considered that normal, but Asuka had slept in proper beds all her life. She felt half the bones in her body ache, at least by her maybe slightly biased count, and she felt generally unrested.
This is going to be such a great day...
She looked in the nearly un-furnished room she was forced to share with Rei. There still would have been another room available for sleeping, two even if one counted the small room where she had ended up storing most her belongings in, but no, Misato insisted on them always being in the same room, even while asleep. It seemed the bluehead had already gotten up. Right. It's her turn to make breakfast...
Last evening, Asuka had only barely heard her coming in, too tired to care greatly. It would be easy to just dislike her, and she often infuriated her, but then there were those moments like how she provided the lead-up to Asuka's joke about Misato, or how she tilted her head in that peculiar way... Hrrrm. Who would have thought I could be so weak willed? Gotta work on that.
Against all odds, Shinji had proven to be a lifesaver, both with his dinner invitations and his idea to establish a household plan. And it had become quite difficult to see just the wimp who had gotten his job due to nepotism in him. For one thing, nepotism or any care for Shinji seemed to be the furthest thing from Commander Ikari's mind. And then... she still fundamentally thought that Shinji was wrong, that he should embrace his position as EVA pilot more and be more forthright and bold. That had worked for her, after all. Still, it had become difficult blaming Shinji for this.
And besides... he may waver back and forth too much, apologize too much, go along with what others tell him too much... but at least he isn't an aggressive bitch, even though he has experienced the same as me in life.
Well,
this aggressive bitch is hungry. Let's see what's for... ah damn. She realized that Rei was preparing the meal. And after that one look at her apartment, Asuka doubted she was very experienced in the kitchen. Well, better that than JSDF rations.
She slowly got up from her futon, and stumbled through the corridor. She still felt barely awake. So the first thing that Asuka realized when she entered the kitchen was that Rei was standing at the stove... and only the second thing that the bluehead was only wearing an apron.
Asuka blinked.
"Was zur Hölle?" she shouted.
Rei merely turned her head towards her. "Good morning, Soryu."
"Yeah, right, good morning... why aren't you wearing clothes?" Asuka asked.
"I am," Rei merely stated and returned her attention to the stove.
Arrrrgh! Asuka found herself unable to look anywhere else than Rei's unclad backside. It was...
"Something else than that apron!" she insisted.
"I saw no need for it," Rei explained. "I did not get dressed after waking up, and this way no clothing will be stained."
"And have you ever heard of common decency?" Asuka demanded to know.
"The concept is known to me," Rei confirmed without even looking up from her work.
That left Asuka baffled. Rei's calm and sure manner would normally infuriate her. It still did. But right now it also was more than just that. She was pretty sure she was blushing.
She shouted: "Well then apply it! I have to live with you for this week, so, try to be a bit civilized you blue-haired freak! At least wear... underwear! Don't you care about hygiene!?"
Rei stopped mid-movement in her work. "I had not considered that."
Willst du mich verarschen...? "Well, damn good thing you have me around to remind you!" Asuka told her. " I'll come back when you're finished here and I hope by that time you're dressed!"
With that, Asuka stormed out of the kitchen.
Keeping up with Soryu was... a challenge. Rei honestly believed the reason for their frequent mistakes lay with her training partner. However, Captain Katsuragi had ordered her to take Soryu's imperfections into account and adapt to them, so she would. It was not an easy task. The German girl was fast, with decisively above average reflexes, but her movements often appeared too uncoordinated – all too eager, all too active. In order for the dancing game to work, Rei would have to move likewise. That posed a considerable challenge to her.
She had been annoyed the first day. That had been somewhat of a new experience. The Second Child often left a negative impression, but so far it had been easy to ignore her. Now it was not anymore. Now, Rei became acutely aware just how nonsensical and just grossly inefficient Soryu's antics were. And that led to a maybe not strong, but strangely persistent negative emotion inside her. Annoyance. I'm feeling annoyance. That was new indeed.
She still did now, on the second day. She also felt slightly disoriented. Normally, she would simply keep to her schedule, do whatever was required, and then return to her apartment, where she was isolated from any trouble, any concerns, any loudness. She had her routine, and she did not need to bother about many things. Dr Akagi's examinations were often uncomfortable, and EVA simulations could hurt, but she could simply let those things wash over her.
But Captain Katsuragi's training program... that was different. Here, she needed to be engaged in what she was actually doing, needed to constantly check herself to keep up, needed to actually engage with Pilot Soryu. That annoyed her as well, and yet... she had realized, during one break from the training, that she somehow felt more alive during it. There were two sides to it: In one way, it was a break from her usual routine that was annoying and exhausting. On the other side, it was a break from monotony.
A large part of that facet was in fact Pilot Soryu. It would maybe have been possible for Rei to simply treat this all as just another training program, just another point on her schedule, just another task. That was impossible with Soryu as her training partner. For that, the Second Child was far too loud, too brash... too lively.
Still, she had been glad when Captain Katsuragi had declared the training over for the day. Success had been negligible. Soryu and Rei still did not harmonize any better than during the first day, and it did not even seem like there had been any progress made during this second day. In a way, that was understandable; the grave differences in the two pilots' personalities and approaches to tactics would not be undone in a matter of mere days. On the other hand, the angel designated 'Israfel' would reawaken in a mere five days, so 'losing' only a single day like this could be devastating.
As soon as the training was over, Soryu stomped off into their shared sleeping room, yelled at her to not come in, and changed into her usual free time clothes. Rei did not see the point. The training clothes seemed a little inefficient in design, but they would do, even outside training. So currently, Rei sat at the kitchen table and did nothing.
That was quite usual for her, actually. That was her default in between points on her schedule. If she was not at NERV, or at school, or engaged in sustaining herself, then she would simply wait until the next assignment came up. If there was nothing to be done, then she would do nothing. The only real deviation from that norm had been when Ikari had taken to her to the city and the observation platform. She had found that enjoyable, but even then it had not occurred to her to regularly spend her time between assignments differently.
Yet Soryu... she seemed to never stand still. When she had no duty to perform, she would complain about there being no television set here, would message back and forth with Class Rep Horaki, would hum melodies... It was a completely alien way to spend one's time to Rei. And after all the emotional investment into the training program, and if it were only in the form of constant annoyance, now just sitting still and doing nothing felt surprisingly difficult to her. After a life of doing nothing else she did not know what she could do, but now she felt unsatisfied with doing nothing.
Her head immediately bounced up when she heard the door bell. Given the time, it was obvious who this would be. She slowly rose from her chair. She indeed was not a person of quick reactions or fast movements; rather she moved in a very subdued manner. Unfortunately, the same was very much not true of Soryu. The Second Child ran up to the door, easily beating Rei to it.
She hardly bothered with words and basically just dragged Ikari inside.
His face showed his amused confusion. Even so, the half-smile on it became slightly brighter when he saw Rei approaching him and Soryu.
"Ah, and hello, Ayanami," he greeted her. "So, uh... did the household plan work out?"
"The household plan? I guess," Soryu answered. "But it seems we need a friggen clothing plan!"
"Huh?" Ikari voiced.
"Rei," Soryu tried to explain. "She... when she tried to make breakfast, she... Arrrgh! Why do I even need to explain that? Why do I even need to bother with that? Misato's insane plan will never work!"
"She is upset because I was wearing an apron when preparing breakfast," Rei explained.
"That seems reasonable," Ikari answered. He sounded confused about where the problem was. "After all..." His eyes widened as realization dawned on him. "Uh... you don't mean..." He looked at Soryu for confirmation.
"See what indecency I have to live with here?" Soryu complained. Ikari's head was suddenly the reddest Rei had ever seen human skin. Soryu looked at her. "And now that pervert idiot will have enough material to keep him awake at night for several weeks, thanks to you!"
"You did not need to tell him," Rei pointed out.
Soryu's face now became nearly as red as Ikari's, though probably for different reasons. "If I don't tell anyone I'll go crazy in here! I need a break from this! I need a break from you!" She looked at Ikari. "How about a trip to the city? To get away from this madness."
"Well, uh... I think you've earned it," Ikari answered. "After all, you are both training here all day, while I... I..." He shrugged. "I can only go to do school and do my household chores. And I have homework and laundry to do."
"Jeez, Misato has completely housebroken you, hasn't she?" Soryu complained. Ikari just shrugged again. That seemed to further infuriate Soryu. "Look. I say we will go to the city now. No counter-arguments! You aren't even an active pilot right now, so you don't get to argue against me!"
"Yeah, I suppose that's true," Ikari muttered.
"Right. Let me just change into something more appropriate," Asuka told him and rushed off to the sleeping room.
Ikari now turned his attention to Rei. There was again a faint smile on his face. "You deserve a break as well, Ayanami. You should come along."
Rei felt her heart beating slightly faster. She felt glad about Ikari thinking about her, and about him wishing to spend time with her. However, his proposal seemed unworkable to her. She shook her head. "Soryu wishes to spend time apart from me."
She was unsure if that was even compliant with Captain Katsuragi's program parameters, but she would not press that point. She had not been tasked with enforcing compliance.
"Uhm, well, I suppose that's true," Ikari answered. "But it seems unfair to me to simply leave you behind here. Besides, I'm sure you two would get along much better in a more relaxed environment!"
That was a good argument, and something in Rei wanted to leap at it, to use it as justification to tag along. But she realized why that was so: Because she harboured romantic feelings towards Ikari. And while having those feelings was okay, her purpose meant she could not act on them. It would be unfair to pretend any differently to Ikari. It was better for him if he could build a good relationship with Soryu.
"It is necessary," she hence simply replied. She let her head hang low and returned to the kitchen. Behind her, she heard how Soryu returned from the sleeping room and dragged a weakly protesting Ikari outside.
Shinji tried very hard to ignore the fact that he was walking with a lively, pretty, exotic girl through the city. He just could not allow himself to think about the fact that he was here on her (quite insistent) invitation, about the looks of other people, or about how she looked, or about what she might think... because otherwise, he was quite sure, he would just make a mess of himself and the whole situation again. He had a knack for that.
There were cranes rising into the sky everywhere. Reconstruction of the inner city seemed to happen at a breathtaking pace. He briefly wondered what had happened to Ramiel's 'corpse'. Dr Akagi had made a big deal about how intact Shamshel's remains had been. Then he shrugged mentally. It was not like those issues were important to him.
"And she just always stands there, not moving, no facial expression, just listening to Misato..." Asuka complained. She had been for some time. "I mean, does she have any self-initiative at all? Anything?"
"When we visited that observation platform, it had been her suggestion to accompany me," Shinji told her.
That was probably a mistake. Asuka shot a dagger glare at him. "So, when it's about you, she shows some spine? Hmpf. Typical."
"I'm sometimes wondering..." Shinji began unsurely, but then stopped himself.
"Wondering what?" Asuka asked.
"How Ayanami turned out the way she did," Shinji said quietly. "And considering it apparently was my father who has raised her..."
"I... I hadn't even considered that," Asuka admitted. "And you told me how much of a bastard your father is, so..." Her voice trailed off.
"Ayanami is a good person," Shinji insisted. "I know you two are practically polar opposites in attitude, but you should give her a chance."
In fact, Shinji still felt a bit guilty about how they had left her behind. It had been on her own insistence, true, and Shinji had not felt at all comfortable with further pressing the matter, but she had not looked happy. He was glad Asuka was enjoying this walk, or maybe her chance to vent, but he felt uncomfortable about enjoying himself while Ayanami had been left alone in her and Asuka's temporary apartment.
I think she would also need a chance to vent. Living together with a person so different to her as Asuka must be stressful for her as well.
Asuka scoffed, but it sounded half-hearted. Then a mischievous grin appeared on her face."So if you think she's a good person and I'm her polar opposite, what does that say about me, hm?"
"Ah... I... uh..." Shinji began to stutter, while at the same time feeling how his cheeks heated up.
Asuka sighed. "You're just too easy to toy with, Third." She sounded downright disappointed.
It did not take long until she had found new topics to vent about: The training gear Misato made them wear, the 'always stay in the same room' rule that she was currently violating, the in her view completely childish dance exercises. Shinji could understand her frustration. He probably would have just gone along with Misato's plans, but he could see how to someone like Asuka, the world's top EVA pilot and a college graduate, this all had to seem very demeaning. Besides, Asuka and Ayanami really were quite different in personality; that just had to cause friction.
So he tried to nod understandingly and agree with her as much as possible. However, that seemed to backfire. Asuka stopped in her walk, looked at him, narrowed her eyes and shouted: "You won't get out of this by just saying 'yes, yes', you know?" Shinji winced. That was what Misato had told him after Shamshel. "If the presence of the great Asuka Langley Soryu annoys or bores you so, then that's your loss. Then you should leave!"
"What... no!" Shinji protested. And there it is again. Me having ruined everything. "I... do you think I just... I don't know..."
"You're always going along with everything," Asuka accused him. "So yes, why shouldn't I think that you just went along with my plan to see the city, and now just nod and appear all understanding to avoid trouble?"
Shinji opened his mouth, then closed it again. Asuka was not wrong about his general behaviour. It was a thing he would do. So it was his fault for her thinking that.
"Sorry," he hence muttered. Asuka scoffed and turned to walk on. Desperately trying to fix his mistake, Shinji hastily added: "But... you're wrong in this." Asuka stopped. "I... I wouldn't just pretend to be nice to you. I know how that feels. You... you know about that."
Asuka's shoulders slumped down. "We talked about it, yes." It still sounded standoffish, and she was still facing away from him. "People always being polite and showing you friendly faces but in the end just being interested in your usefulness to them."
"So... let's not do that," Shinji proposed. Then he suddenly lost his bravery and could not go on.
Asuka turned around to face him again, arms crossed. "What do you mean?"
"Well... maybe I am like you've said," Shinji conceded. "Yeah, I am. Always going along with things, always just politely nodding to avoid trouble. Well, let's... not do this among each other. I don't know how this could work, but..."
A somewhat bitter grin appeared on Asuka's face. "Well, I'm already telling it to you straight. And you think you have the backbone to do the same with me?"
Shinji shrugged and only barely avoided looking down. "I can try. After all... I know why it's important to you."
Asuka's facial expression completely changed. She now seemed... surprised? Confused?... Shinji could not quite tell. "Yeah. Yeah, you do." It was the softest he had ever heard her speaking.
It made his heart run just a tick faster.
"Well, it isn't quite evening yet," Asuka abruptly declared, her voice back to its usual, haughty tone. "But I need to head back. My turn in making dinner today. In fact, I should probably hurry back. Right. For dinner. Uh... you're coming along?"
Shinji chuckled slightly. After all, his way home was literally the same as for Asuka now. But then his eyes caught a small store on the opposite street side.
"I'll see you later," he told Asuka. "There's something I still need to do."
Rei felt lonely.
It was not a feeling she was used to. Being alone always had been her default state. When she was not needed elsewhere, she would be at her apartment and wait. Ultimately, she only existed in order to wait for that one final moment that would be the fulfilment of her purpose. And when a tool was not needed, it was stored away.
But now she acutely felt the loneliness. It would be difficult not to feel the stark contrast after having spent the entire day with Soryu. Instead of her loud presence, now there was nothing. If Rei were able to appreciate irony, now would have been the moment: She had been constantly annoyed by this very facet of Soryu's nature, but now without it, and without anything for her to do, her surroundings appeared drab and too quiet.
Soryu also had successfully claimed Ikari's attention. That in particular saddened Rei. Ikari seemed to care about her. She was happy to have him as her friend. But there was no doubt she would always stand back behind Soryu. And that even was for the better: Regardless of whether Ikari saw Soryu as a friend or potentially more, she probably was the better choice than Rei. A human, not a tool. And even though their shapes were doomed, their souls could go on. Unlike Rei's, which was not even hers.
That all was true and logical. It was just too bad how sad it all felt for Rei.
She stared at the wall in front of her, sitting cross-legged on her futon. Soryu and Ikari were gone, and she did not know what she could do right now. So she just continued staring.
She heard the apartment door being opened. Soryu was speaking: "You're behaving weirdly, Third. But sure, that fits to Rei. Hm... I suppose she must be in the sleeping room."
A moment later there was a knock at the room door. "Are you in there, Ayanami? Can I come in?" It was Ikari's voice.
Rei did not respond. He could come in if he felt it necessary; that was not her concern. She rarely held an opinion, and if there was nothing to say, she would indeed say nothing. Instead, she continued looking at the wall, facing away from the door.
After some pause, it was slid open. She heard footsteps walking up to her. She still did not turn around.
There was a long moment of awkward silence. She could feel Ikari standing behind her. Finally, he said: "I, uh, wanted to apologize."
"There is no need," Rei answered. "I could have come along. I did not."
"Still, I spent almost three hours outside with Asuka, and you sat here alone," Shinji stated. "That... I think that wasn't nice of us."
His words hurt. They were the essence of her current feelings of loneliness, thrown right at her. She said nothing, though. She could not say that it did not bother her, because that was incorrect, but she could also not make any complaints or accusations, as it was for the best if Ikari bonded with Soryu.
After a while, Ikari realized there would be no answer. So he continued: "I know this training is stressful for you as well. You... you aren't a person given to venting. Neither am I. Still, I think you need something to calm your nerves, maybe."
A hand reached over Rei's shoulder. It held a small carton package. Hesitantly, Rei took it. Tea... She looked over her shoulder. Ikari was squatting behind her, looking down. She still could make out a faint smile on his face.
"Thank you," Rei whispered. A gift. That was very unexpected. It was not like Commander Ikari had really been miserly with her; their regular common meals were very high class. But those things had never been out of the blue. Just like her usual monetary support and the tools she got for fulfilling her purpose, they had always been part of a schedule or a plan.
This was evidently not. Still, she wondered what this was all about. She looked at Ikari expectantly to get an answer.
His face got red. "Should... I don't know, but I can imagine even you get annoyed here. You can then make a nice, hot cup of tea. It helps to calm down, it really does."
So in a way this was just supportive of her mission again. Then again, she doubted anyone else at NERV had ever cared if she was 'annoyed'. And Ikari... Ikari had thought of her, even when he had been out with Soryu. That made her glad – irrationally glad, given that she had explicitly refused to go with the two. She realized she really had no idea how to respond to this.
Then it occurred to her. Slowly, the corners of her mouth began to rise.
The blush that had slowly receded from Ikari's cheeks flared up again. Very awkwardly, he was about to get up again. Instinctively, Rei darted forwards and grabbed his wrist. She did not even know herself why; she had no clear aim with that, she just did not want this moment to end. Ikari's eyes widened as he looked from his wrist up to her face. She did not know what to do or say now, but held on to him.
"Ayanami?" he finally asked.
Rei realized she had to let go. This moment would end, as all moments did. Abruptly, she let go of Ikari. She still kept her gaze on him, and he looked somewhat worried. He only got up hesitantly, still looking at her, and then turned around.
"Will you come visit tomorrow as well?" Rei asked. She managed to make the question sound entirely factual and even.
"Ah... of course, why wouldn't I?" Shinji answered, looking back. "I'll still bring the homework and all that."
Rei nodded. That was good.
Asuka breathed hard, almost gasping. She noticed her hands were shaking. She was back in reality, back in the night-dark sleeping room she shared with Rei. But the images her mind had just displayed for her were still fresh in her memory.
A historical building in South Germany. The corridor walls are all oblique, and the corridor itself is gigantic... for a small girl. Her field of vision bops up and down as she enthusiastically runs up to Mama's room.
And then she finds her.
Asuka shuddered while she hastily tried to get up. She ran on pure instinct, wanting nothing more than to get away from here, nevermind where, nevermind how. She did not even close the door behind her anymore as she left the sleeping room, stumbling towards the kitchen.
She tried to catch her breath there. She looked around, unsure what to do. Awkwardly, she grabbed a chair and sat down, but she was still too full of nervous energy. Nearly immediately, she got up again, and began pacing around the table.
It was not like she was unused to this sort of thing. She had been having this dream since she was six. She knew that soon enough she would have calmed down. But until then, she would still be a shaking emotional wreck, and in all likelihood sleep would not return this night. Back in Germany Misato had allowed her to roam the apartment those nights without complaining. Kaji even had often gotten up to talk with her. Not that he had really known what to say, but he had often sat himself besides her on the couch, and they had watched TV.
Other guardians... had not been as understanding.
Finally, she took out a glass from the dishwasher and filled it with tapwater. She was not really thirsty, but she figured it might help her calm down, and in any case it was something to do. With shaking hands she led the glass to her mouth...
...there was a loud bang, and a dozen shards of glass were now swimming in a puddle of water on the ground.
Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck...
It was a minor thing, really, but it made Asuka feel irrevocably overtaxed with the situation. She did not know what to do now. If her eyes had not remained dry for eight years, the whole stress might have wetted them.
She breathed in and out heavily. When she looked around again, she saw Rei standing in the kitchen's door frame. Thankfully, she was wearing a nightgown. Asuka had strongly insisted on her wearing something in bed, and since she had no intention of wearing that unfashionable piece of clothing again had lent it to the bluehead.
A small, bitter laugh escaped Asuka. Rei looked ridiculously cute in that outfit, still half sleep drunk, but at the same time that really was all Asuka had needed to turn the situation into a complete disaster. She really did not need witnesses to her current emotional state.
Rei walked by Asuka. In all the emotional and material chaos around Asuka, the bluehead's movements appeared avian and graceful to her. Without giving more consideration to the shards on the ground than necessary not to step into them, she began to fill up the water cooker, and then started heating the water.
"What... what are you doing?" Asuka demanded to know.
"You should sit down," Rei told her calmly, then left the room again.
Asuka was still standing, and still non-plussed, when Rei came back with a broom, and calmly swept aside the mess the Second Child had made. The Japanese pilot had also brought something else with her, which she had placed on the kitchen counter, though Asuka could not quite see what it was.
"What are you doing?" Asuka hissed at her. "I don't need your help!"
Rei only answered once she had finished sweeping the shards into a corner. She looked at her and replied: "No. You do not." A pause. "But I will help regardless." She walked over to the kitchen counter again, and began pouring hot water into two cups. "Sit," she repeated herself.
This time, Asuka was too confused to offer resistance, and sat down. Rei was getting something out of the box she had brought to the kitchen. Teabags! Asuka realized. After she had inserted one each into the two cups, Rei sat down at the table as well.
"The tea should be ready soon," she declared. "It should help you. I heard it being described as calming."
"Why are you doing this?" Asuka demanded to know.
Rei... fidgeted. That was a new one, at least for Asuka. When she answered, her voice was as perfectly even and calm as always, though. "It is preferable to doing nothing. It is no bother to me, and it will help you."
"I don't need help!" Asuka insisted again.
Rei did not answer, but simply remained sitting ever so calmly. Asuka narrowed her eyes in frustration, but ultimately did not move, either. The silence dragged out into awkwardness. Asuka sat on her chair, slouched down, eyeing Rei from a downcast view. Rei's quiet serenity made a striking counterpoint to her own posture, and to her still brewing emotional turmoil. But why does she need to be so weird? Asuka felt too tired to complain, though.
Finally, without even looking at a clock, Rei got up, and got the cups, putting one in front of Asuka.
Asuka put her cup into both her hands. It was warm. Of course it is, it's freshly made tea... Asuka took a sip. It was only a minimal one, but it made that warmth spread all over her body.
For nearly half an hour, both girls just sat in the kitchen, quietly sipping from their cups. Asuka now and then glanced over to Rei. She felt an absolutely irrational sense of gratitude, and that in turn annoyed her. She was Asuka Langley Soryu, EVA pilot, and she did not need help or comfort or care. She had, after all, survived eight years without it. And yet, the warmth of the tea was soothing, and the quiet in fact comforting.
Finally, Asuka breathed out, annoyed. Her cup was nearly emptied. "This means nothing, First. This... this never happened. Don't tell anyone. In fact, if you bring ever bring this up even only between us..."
"You do not wish that?" Rei asked.
"Absolutely not!" Asuka confirmed. "I don't want..." To be reminded of my weakness... exposed as worthless... "I don't want to ever talk about it."
Rei nodded. "Then I shall keep quiet."
Asuka eyed her suspiciously. She would very much like to trust her. For one thing because she had to, and also because... if it were not for this fear, then this scene would have been kind of... nice. But she feared that Rei doing this for her and then not even mentioning it again would probably be too much to ask for.
She sighed and drank out her last bit of tea. Either way, she was strangely calm now again.