Constantine The Laughing Magician Presents; Life in the Real World –

/

~ You lot then must be wondering, why call me th e coward in all this to my own face? The answer is as primitive as that nose on your face, lov. Zee is going to be a big hero to this story – so watch and see for yourself what you haven't yet missed of my mis – adventures and my sly crew of demon killing hunters. We are about to make bloody history! ~

/

Chapter 25: As the Old Adage Goes, Mate. Lighten up! - What Goes Around…

/

The forest just before sunrise is no place to be led to a crawl, mates. I have no idea where I've even ended up, let alone if another war broke out up on the hill where Dragul's castle is standing there. Mocking me…

My job was to participate, but what did I find but cultists and traffickers all over a – bloody - gain! Zee must have it ten times the easy part where she is. At least she doesn't have fast feet running her up a tree for cover. That tree is a twig to fire breathers, and thank gods lumber jacks don't exist in this time just yet. Just your occasional wood –

Whack!

Whack!

Chop.

Chop…

I look down and I see my worst fear. A woods person…ah, person of the wood. They are chopping down the tall tree I'm hiding in from those crazy animals!

"Oye…. hey! Hey!! It's not even ten am, mate! I get you need this tree, but the timing is –

The character drops their axe and I see them. Red hair, average build, and of course…a kid. Well. Or wait... I wonder that maybe this is not a trick. That this person cuts wood to fuel their home fires. "What is a mortal man doing way up there in a tree, anyway?" The adult pulls out his axe as the tree makes a creak right below my quaking ankles. "Sleeping. Did you ever hear of night owls, mate?"

"Mates…. you aren't from around here. There are no such people in this country. Only foe and ally." A dialogue in Eastern European. The accent is not as rich. "May I come down and not have any harm by you, if I were to ask for a pardon from this…. execution?" I guess I can ask him, he seems to just be acting as his story progresses in this fairytale hell book. The queen of fables has no place being here. I'd then rather eat lead bricks.

"How will you get down?" The corder asked. "I must have my physical gain today or be left without bread. The forest is not made of gold and silver."

"I guess the tree will do, but let me down from it."

"Did you die in this tree, are you haunting it until judgement day?"

Now that's just silly, and rather useful…

"How could you tell?"

"How pale you are in the morning light."

I frown at the answer I'm given. I'm a half dead zombie. That's why. Can't tell I'm that my partners are stopping a war, or that I'm being run out of the city by a vampire lord of fae pimping.

Pushy, is fate these days…no privacy whatsoever. "I could be an omen that the gods of the trees will grant this one to you, if only you answer us correctly."

Ok, spook the lad into doing what I want. Real nice, Johnny. "Oh!"

The male bends to a kneel and then his body falls to the dirt I was foolish to think these dark ages thought gods as demons. Looks like executing plan kill Dracula is going to be a right pickle more than I bargained for. I'm doing this for those half fae that Dracula is taking out his current frustrations on. His mind has collaborated with his massive ego to say that his kind ISN'T wiping out any last trace of another race of persons to satisfy an old story. If I had a nickel or so that saying goes….

"The gods all speak and I listen! If you require my service, I shan't take that tree just now…. please. Spirit. Tell me, are you heard to reap my soul out?"

"N…. WHAT? NO!" Dear gods! Was death a blessing to this world's inhabitants?? "I only require a place to dwell for a spell before I am to journey on. This tree was here yet an enemy came and tried to leave me in woe…..oh, so I require a kind soul and offerings."

"Any kind you like! My sister can make bread rather wicked! It is all we have to give…"

"I shall reward you handsomely."

With what – oh, I know. It will take a second but some old demons in Vegas forgot to pay up. I can always patch three a favor in the meantime. The one item I have on me is a cell that let's things fall through it. Nifty wish granting item. No strings as well. Works against the laws of attraction. "Serve me for this time and, I shall grant you the ability to bake as many loaves as you wish and more."

A medieval bakery in the bloody woods. Were you expecting a magic want to come out of my arse cheeks too, mate?

Damn it. I wonder if the bat's kid expected me to pull a rabbit out of a hat…

/

Miles away in the real world….

"A… acc"hoo!"

Dami covered his nose and ran to swipe a tissue from the rest room. "Was I catching a cold? I never have –

(Remember, Dami now has a crush on John but not until he's older will that truth come out.)

The boy's ears suddenly got beat red. "Alfred said…that it means I'm being gossiped about behind my back." The boy left the classroom stalls and stomped to find his device. "I'll ask a Titan to do me one better. Stupid magi!"

/

"ACHOO!" Cyborg sniffed as Raven could have gone through a wall to faze out of harm's way. "I was told by Bushido that when a person expells mucus from their membranes, that someone is speaking critical thoughts while you are not there. Is that not strange. Raven?"

"Starfire, that's all just a silly Japanese superstition. I heard him tell me that too." Changeling scratched his ears. "And if your ears get all itchy??" He starched to scratch.

Raven smirked as she floated in a deep sense of quietude. "It means the same thing. Good luck with proving fact from fiction."

" Achoo!!"

"OR…. we have allergies." Sniffed Cy. "Blame global warming on that one."

Raven shrugged with a smile. "Whatever you say."

/

John scratched his chin and paced while waiting on his caller to come through.

It rang, magical blunder….

~ Oye! JOHN?? YOU'RE NOT IN YOUR DIMENSION. WHAT GIVES –

"Hi there, Horace…. I'm going to need a favor. With plenty of bills to be paid on it later. In a bit of a fantasy and will not be back in time to play your hand in Reno. Have to reschedule…. I'm in the past, so this will help me to get home." Not a total sack of shit. See? Horace is your man if you ever need something to pop over to your side of the sphere. I ask for a magic bread maker, and the couple here gets to let me recharge and blend in a bit. The tiny village is up working harder than today's lonely teen shut in.

~ Can do boss, but you owe her a visit after you're back in town. She says there has been a wave in riots and you need to have those cards back on the table when you aren't fucking over criminal demons in hell. Half the time, are they even legit, mate? ~

"I owe it to you, bloke. But yes, it is a legit Hollywood horror I'm in." Can I tell him about the crime scene or the orchestra? Dracula is a real celebrity, and I'm the reporter he wants to gun down for getting at his most private moments with himself.

~ Hocus pocus and all that rubbish, right? Your wish will be in the mail in a few minutes, flare rate. Should I send a note with it on how to work the device? Cursed items would do better to punish whatever it is you're helping along. ~

"No, no. A magical bread maker." I can't take all day. Race. I'm on the bloody run from the living dead. And not because I partly am one!

The call is dropped and I set the cell on the floor to wait. The couple will be back any moment, so the rattling walls and a few horrifying ghostly beeps of said device…. it's the pizza pie out of the oven. The thing is small, yet stocked tp make this couple into revolutionary idiots for dough and flour. I'm sure my hunch isn't the least bit messy. The floor will be once this thing pops out its first babe from the toaster.

"AH, there we go."

The machine makes ten loaves and I read the buttons on how to get it to stop. "Reminds me of a folktale. Oh well!"

If they don't stop making bread, there never will be a starvation problem. Only stale crusts and loaves if no one stores or eats it all in time. I'm desperate to ask for a mini fridge to see where my curiosity might take me. Messing with an alternative time is just as bad as peeling back reality itself. In my world however, we may have been bloody better off doing so. With the instructions of course so there won't be any talk of witches to speak of.

Smiling, I bring the loaves and of course I am venerated as some woodland saint. "It is so delectable! Mmph! My sister! The bread is real and this man, oh. We must know wjat to call you –

"I'm anonymous." What? There can't be allies in the old country if you don't belong, right? I'm just doing my part for history's sake. "The instructions are pretty straightforward. Press this dot to make the bread, and this one to stop it. Otherwise, you'll have no room left tp eat your meals."

"Then, I shall still take my good wood but the bread will never let us go hungry. We are in tour debt, dear ally!"

"Ah, so I do actually have a question then." I'm gonna do it. Piss of fate or whatever wants me to hang for disrupting the space time continuum.

"Do you know the story of the fae and the humans?"

/

The man looks at me and takes down his hood while she dies the same. "Fae, are all that are left. At least the offspring is born of man to survive such tough trials."

So, the entire world is halfblooded. No, wait.

"You two didn't by chance escape a creepy castle. With a vampire in it."

They hugged each other as I asked it. The one thing that was forbidden to be, was to speak of the count in a hidden space. A walled in community, where the Count got his half ling fae from.

And I' been just invited to help make bread at the breakfast table.