Okay, so I am SO SORRY for going completely off the grid. I'm in the middle of GCSE's right now so decided this was the perfect thing to use to procrastinate haha.

So a bit of a different style chapter today guys. I've seen quite a few reviews quite rightly mention mind healers and so decided to do a chapter structured around that for both Sirius and Harry. I've also been toying with possibly mind healers for Hermione and Ron as well, partly for processing all the stuff that has happened at Hogwarts but also for the bullying and ostracization Hermione suffered and for the damage Molly did to Ron (the whole unwanted aspect) so I was wondering if you guys would like a chapter on that as well? Lastly, I apologise if the therapy is inaccurate or unrealistic, I've only ever done it briefly and not for anything like this so we were kind of making it up as we went along you know?

– see I agree with you that Ginny sees him more of a hero than a person as well as the whole aftermath of the chamber of secrets. She also didn't seem to have so much growth (as you mentioned) especially compared to Hermione as you say. Also I happen to be that annoying person who likes to say 'and JK Rowling herself said that Romione was a whim and actually Harry and Hermione would've worked together better' so yeah. Your last line about Petunia being blonde as well did make me chuckle, so many people think she looks like she does in the films (not that Fiona Shaw wasn't wonderful of course!)

Cassandra30 – don't worry Arthur will definitely be divorcing her! It won't be in this chapter but the next will have a heavy focus on the aftermath of the trials for the Weasleys which I hope you will enjoy.

Justcurious – these are some great questions! I admit since I haven't been writing this for a while I had to go back and check and I actually can't see if I did write about the compulsions being taken off but they definitely should have been! And yes, his power should increase (though not massively as only some was blocked), my apologies for the oversight! Also the Dursley's would be placed in a muggle prison as considering how inhumane Azkaban is for wizards and don't think muggles would last long enough for there to be any reflection done lol.

Guest – I certainly will, life has just been a bit hectic haha, public exams definitely suck!

Sammy-Jay Potter – this chapter is just for you! Though you are not the first to mention mind healers I admit it completely slipped my mind so thank you for the reminder! While there won't be any particular Harry/Hermione in this chapter I will certainly keep that in mind because I do agree that they need more alone moments.

Guest – I'm sorry you think that! I do have a tendency to write a bit dramatically and I apologise that it's not to your taste. They (Harry, Ron and Hermione) are in sixth year as this takes place after they kill Voldemort at the ministry.

dennisud – thank you for leaving so many reviews! Also thank you for pointing out that sometimes I slip into two dimensional characterisation and for saying it so nicely as well haha. You've got a very good point on bringing in Neville more and especially Luna (who I adore) and agree that she definitely needs more, well not screentime but you know what I mean. I will also attempt to slow the pacing, you are not the only person to think it seems to be bam bam bam writing if you know what I mean?

happylady – I'm so glad you think so!

Chapter 22

Sirius waited quietly for the mind healer to arrive, eyes flickering around the warm office and feeling rather unsettled. He took a deep breath, his discomfort didn't matter, he was here for Harry. Harry needed a mind healer and there was nothing better than to lead for example, or that was what Lily had always blathered on about from those parenting books she had devoured. His heart clenched painfully at the thought of his friend and he sighed, maybe Minerva wasn't exactly wrong when she had said he needed to go whether or not it would help Harry, that his constant guilt and then subsequent years in Azkaban had rather wrecked his mental health and not just his physical health.

"Lord Black?"

He turned his head to see a woman enter, papers in her hand, the other outstretched. He shook it automatically, internally shaking his head to try to kick his brain into gear. He needed to focus.

"My name is Healer Mae Russell and I'm to be your mind healer, as I'm sure you know. Now," she said, placing a few sheets on the desk, "these were the sheets you filled in for me previous to your visit. I'd like to start here okay?"

Sirius just nodded, twisting the ring on his finger while staring at the leg of the chair the healer sat in. he could do this. This was just therapy, it was hardly the worst thing he'd ever done. Just talking. How hard could it be?

"I'd like to start with your childhood if that is alright? You were abused by your parents were you not?"

Screw this. He couldn't do it. Nope.

"Lord Black?"

"Hm?" Sirius jerked up to see the healers concerned face.

"You don't need to flee," she said gently. Sirius felt the blood rush to his face at the thought that she knew he had been about to bolt. How embarrassing. "It is nothing to be ashamed of, nor something you should avoid, especially not with your godson's history who if I'm right you have taken guardianship for?"

"He deserves so much more than me," Sirius whispered, hands clutching the fabric of his trousers in a death grip.

"And why do you think that? He looks very happy with you if the pictures are to be believed."

She didn't understand. No one did. Anger flared in Sirius and he snapped "Maybe because I killed his parents! Handed him over to his abusive family! Abandoned him for over a decade! Let –"

"Did you do any of that though? Or is that just true from a certain point of view, as Obi-wan Kenobi would say?"

Sirius blinked, the unexpected reference throwing him and distracting him from his all-consuming anger. Stumping him. "Um, a certain point of view?"

"Did you support Voldemort?"

"What? No!"

"Did you in any way influence Voldemort's hatred to muggles growing up?

"No? I'm literally younger than him?"

"And you only interacted with him when dueling him?"

"Yes?" Sirius scowled, confused by the pointless and unrelated track her questions followed. "What is the point of this?"

"Well if you didn't support or influence Voldemort and he was the one who killed your friends, then how could it have been your fault?"

Sirius hated how she put it so simply. "It's more complex than that," he snapped.

The healer merely raised an eyebrow, remaining silent for him to explain. Her calmness irritated him, feeling like a challenge. Tilting his chin up he stared at her, lips pursued as he began to speak. "They would be safe had I not trusted Pettigrew. Had I not switched the plan and handed them to him on a silver platter."

His voice was quiet. Cold. He felt nothing as he spoke about the rat. He hadn't for years. The anger that had once caused him to chase him down had died alongside his freedom. The anger that had lost him everything because he played right into Dumbledore's knowing hands.

"Didn't Lily and James agree with the plan?"

"Yes, but –"

"Do you believe they would've chosen to deliberately put their son in danger?"

"Of course they wouldn't –"

"Then why treat them like they did?"

Sirius stared blankly at her. What? She must have sensed his confusion as she quickly moved to clarifying, stating "They didn't realise Pettigrew was the traitor anymore than you did. If you blame yourself for not being smart enough to see it then why do think it's okay they didn't? They blindly trusted someone you all saw as a friend. Did it go tragically wrong? Yes. Is that anyone's fault but his? No."

"We – I – treated him poorly at school. Teased him. Didn't realise he felt like it was a stap at him, just thought it was in good fun but –" Sirius stopped. He didn't know what to say. "He was our brother. He was our brother, we took him as one of our own, and he – he gave it up for some delusion superiority complex! For validation! I – I don't –"

He buried his head in his hands, running them through his hair in misery. How could they have not seen it? How could he have not seen it?

"Even if it was because of you and your friends actions that caused him to dislike you, turning to a supremist group to try and kill you rather than just talk to you about how he didn't like how you treated him was not a healthy way of dealing with his frustrations. His trauma may not be his fault but it is his responsibility to deal with it maturely and certainly not how he did. His actions are not your responsibility, they are his and his alone. That is a fact."

Sirius nodded, eyes fixed on the carpet. When she lay it out like that… her points had merit. Still, it was hard to accept it.

"So, if you didn't – objectively – kill his parents, then why do you feel like you abandoned your godson and 'ruined' his life?"

"I chased down Pettigrew. I gave Harry over to Hagrid with barely any protest even when – when I knew Dumbledore was never up to any good and yet I said nothing! Just chased down Pettigrew, got myself locked up for nothing and not only lost Harry but it was the direct result of my actions that led to him being placed in the Dursley's care." His voice was bitter, broken. Even if he agreed with Healer Russell that it wasn't his fault about James and Lily's deaths it was his direct actions that led to Harry being placed with the Dursleys, no way around it. No matter how fancily Healer Russell tried to twist it.

"I'm not going to disagree that giving into your anger and chasing down Pettigrew was the correct thing to do in this situation, but given your understandable distaste for the Dursleys am I to assume they were not in the will as potential guardians in the case of James and Lily Potter's death and your inability to take care of him?"

"They were specifically mentioned to not get his guardianship but will was prevented from being read. Which is illegal."

"So even when chasing Pettigrew down and all the following events, Harry should never have been placed with the Dursleys, correct?"

"Yes, we – Prongs, Lily and I – made sure of it."

"Then why do you feel responsible for Harry being handed over to them. As you just said, you did your upmost to prevent that and it should never have happened. You are also not the only adult responsible for your godsons wellbeing. When you were in Azkaban, where were the rest of your friends? Why weren't they checking up on him? When he was at Hogwarts do the teachers not have a responsibility of care towards their students? Why did Madam Pomfrey never bring forward the abuse? As his healer she must have seen something wrong, whether that just be neglect or trauma. He may be your godson but he is not just your responsibility, there are other adults in his life who also could have prevented this or stopped this earlier. What I want you to one day understand is that this is not all on you and that neither you nor Harry are alone. You have others you can and should rely on."

Sirius remained silent after her speech. His mind spun with the flood of information she had said. He wasn't quite sure what to do with it. He had spent so long with the assumption that it was his fault that it was a little hard to adjust to someone saying it wasn't. There was also a little flare of anger festering in his as well, had been ever since she brought up the other adults in Harry's life. The ones who had abandoned him, left him, never checked on him. That they had trusted Dumbledore to have Harry's best interests at heart with all he had done yet cast him aside. The injustice of it burnt.

"It will hurt," the healer spoke softly, clearly reading the anger in him. "You will gain a new perspective of events and while I'm not here to pander to you and take all accountability off you, you were far too young to take all the burdens on your shoulders. Not to mention your background and the time spent in Azkaban that we haven't covered today. For our next session I would like you to write down a summary of the events we have discussed today and your actions and then what other options could you have feasibly taken if that is alright?"

At Sirius's nod, she stood up and smiled, thanking him for coming. He didn't exactly remember much of what he said, leaving her office and signing out with the receptionist on autopilot. He did feel… not exactly better but lighter, possibly? He hoped Harry might have an easier time, though thinking back to what Harry had told him with a heavy heart, he knew it was unlikely. Still, one could only hope.

Harry watched nervously as a healer sat in the seat opposite, giving him a friendly smile. He'd introduced himself as Healer Alex Morgan and he seemed friendly but then again, that meant nothing at this point to Harry. He would try, he'd promised Sirius he would after all, and he didn't want to disappoint his godfather.

"So, Harry – may I call you that?" he continued at Harry's brief nod. "I've read through the forms I've had you fill in and I was wondering if I may start with your childhood?"

Harry swallowed, wondering if it was already too late to back out. Maybe Sirius wouldn't be too upset if he asked him not to go back? Maybe – no, he would do this. His mind flickered back to Hermione's relieved face when he admitted to her Sirius was putting him in therapy and would also be going himself, albeit separately. He had yet to tell Ron, unsure on how the wizarding world viewed mind healers, not to mention that as much as he loved his friend, he did have a tendency to be quite dismissive of things. Though if anyone needed therapy it was definitely him after all Mrs Weasley had done to him.

"You've mentioned that your punishments from the Dursleys have included your aunt attempting to hit you with a frying pan and being locked in the cupboard under the stairs which was also your bedroom for the first 10 years of your life. That when you did get your own room they placed bars on it in your second year and, most disturbingly, that your uncle favoured old fashioned methods of discipline such as using a belt."

Harry sunk back into sofa, wondering if he tried hard enough he could apparate away without even learning it. It was probably the thing he was most excited to learn this year. The ability to just… leave, even if it was supposed to be more for travel purposes then getting out of things he didn't want to talk about but tom-a-to tom-ah-to.

He jolted back into the conversation when he heard his name mentioned, with Healer Morgan continuing "and I was wondering what's your view on how your aunt and uncle treated you?"

"My view?" Harry stared at the healer blankly. What did his thoughts about his aunt and uncles parenting, though that was a loose way to see it he supposed, have to do with anything?

"Yes, do you think they were right? Wrong? Any thoughts about it at all."

"Um, well, I didn't think it was very fair," Harry shrugged, fiddling with the sleeves of his uniform. They were no longer frayed; not once Sirius got his hands on them. He had been surprisingly good at sewing and had patched up any he deemed salvageable, throwing the rest away and buying him new ones. Before that Harry couldn't remember the last time an adult bought clothes for him when it wasn't necessary.

"And why was that?"

He shrugged, unsure at what the healer was trying to get to here. "Just – they never punished Dudley for anything because 'he would never have done that!' and often would punish me instead and I had to do his homework for him. He'd even be praised for stealing my homework," Harry said, feeling his face settling into the familiar scowl it always did when he talked about the Dursleys nowadays. Just like Sirius' face always did. Now he'd started, he found he couldn't really stop talking, words spluttering out like an overflowing pipe. "I don't really blame Dudley you know? It was what he was taught and he is a bit better now, has been ever since I saved him from the dementers but that just made everything with Aunt Petunia and Uncle Vernon worse. They – 'specially Uncle Vernon – thought I did that to him." Harry bit his lip, thinking. "It hurt," he admittedly quietly. "It shouldn't have, but it did. Even though they never acknowledged me, made it clear they never wanted me no matter how hard I tried, I didn't think they would believe I'd stoop so low and do something so cruel to someone." He sighed, dropping his arms onto the sofa. "I don't know, I'm just so tired."

He was. He was so tired. So done with the world, with the constant messes he found himself in. The games with the prophet and public opinion, the fake friendships and manipulations. He missed his old life. Not the Dursleys – he wasn't that far gone yet – but the quieter, more hidden life from his earlier Hogwarts years. Well, less hidden and more just… clueless about others perceptions of him and his actions. Pinching the bridge of his nose and pushing his glasses back up, his eyes flicked to meet the mind healer's for the first time in a while, frowning at the unexpected sorrowful look on Healer Morgan's face.

"I'm not surprised."

Harry jerked upright at Healer Morgan's statement, unused to such honesty on his childhood with people either offering pity, clearly uncomfortable or trying to skate around the topic completely, wishing to ignore its existence entirely. Because, you know, he's 'the chosen one' 'the boy who lived' though those at this point were synonymous with 'the boy with so much privilege that we hate him and don't recognise he only got this title because his parents died and he'd much rather do without the title than his parents'.

"The constant dismissal and belittling you received has no doubt impacted your self-worth, general ability to do tasks and most likely has given you some form of PTSD and that's not even including your Hogwarts years. While I've only heard about them through rumours and hearsay and I have no doubt lots will be false, not necessarily through deliberate lies but mishearing or misinterpreting things, even half of what I've heard would easily lead to PTSD. Other things I want you to perhaps consider is depression, anxiety and avoidant attachment styles. Obviously I'm not diagnosing you with these immediately as they would need their own separate sessions and this is only our first but I would like you to at least look into them, see if any of them fit and if there are any you want to particularly explore first."

Harry nodded, recognising most from Hermione who had brought them up to him briefly only for him to dismiss her quite brutally. He winced at the reminder of his behaviour to her in third year, whether he believed it was justified or not he shouldn't have treated her like that. Attention flicking back to Morgan's mention of avoidant attachment styles, he pressed into the palm of his hand with his nails, focusing on the pain until he could organise his thoughts more quickly. "So, um, what is an avoidant attachment style? Like, apart from the obvious?"

He cringed almost immediately after speaking, remembering very swiftly about why he preferred to remain quiet. Thankfully Morgan didn't pick up or point out his faults, instead saying "Essentially it is when a person prefers to keep an emotional distance in a relationship or may feel their partners are clingy when they are not. They often withdraw and cope with difficult situations alone and suppress their emotions. It often develops in early childhood, usually in response to the child in question having emotionally unavailable parents or caregivers. Children therefore often disconnect from their own needs and feelings and so may learn to self-soothe and feel as though they can only rely on themselves. As a result, they have little motivation or trust to seek help or support from others."

Sometimes Harry really hated Hermione being right. She may have never said this specifically but she had hinted at it and knowing her, she probably had known about it but never brought it up considering how he had shot down her earlier concerns. He clenched his hands as the familiar feeling of guilt and inadequacy began to rise, stomach rolling at the thought of his treatment of Hermione when things were really getting out of hand like Umbridge and his inability to admit it. Why she put up with him he had no idea?

"However while you may exhibit traits we'd need a more in depth look about it as well as considering what could be described as 'clinginess' towards your godfather as you seem to fear him leaving you."

"Wouldn't be the first to do so," Harry snapped bitterly, sinking moodily back into the cushions. "I'm too much trouble, not worth it – or at least not in myself but only for what I can bring like money and power." His mind flickered to Mrs Weasley, another adult he had began to trust only to – surprise, surprise – be let down once again. At this point he didn't know why he even bothered.

"And that is where we will start next session," Healer Morgan replied dryly, smiling knowingly when Harry immediately looked at the clock, shocked the hour had gone by so quickly. He barely remembered leaving the office and saying goodbyes, only clocking back in when Sirius slung a concerned arm over his shoulder to quietly question if he was okay.

Honestly? He didn't know. Maybe he would be able to answer it tomorrow when he was less drained, less numb. For now he just needed to sleep for a long, long time. Thankfully Sirius seemed to understand and they headed to the apparition point in companiable silence, Harry leaning into Sirius and giving the occasional hum as Sirius broke the silence to point out one thing or another, or to bring up an interesting fact. Seeing the sun setting in the distance, a golden hazy glow settling on the surrounding roofs Harry hummed, content. For now, this would do.