It was now the third day of Theodora's absence and the Wizard started to believe that she was actively avoiding him. He felt depressed. For the most part, the Winkie Guards and the servants did not make conversation and the castle was eerily quiet, which added to his melancholy. The Wizard started to think that he should just leave. But where would he go? The last thing he wanted to do was leave, which would undoubtedly fuel greater suspicion among the Emerald City populace that he fled. He wanted to stay until Glinda arrived and cleared up this misunderstanding.
He had been reviewing yet another of his blueprints all morning, but then decided to take a break as he wiped his eyes and stepped out into a side garden of the castle. It was here where he decided to think. As a breeze blew past his face and he heard the sound of the birds chirping, he began to whisper to himself.
"Annie, I've been trying to work things out with Theodora" he softly murmured. "But maybe it's just not meant to be." He solemnly gazed his head at the grass as he crossed his arms and sighed. "I know what you'd say if you were here. You would say that I've tried everything I could and now I have to look out for my own self. You'd say I've done everything I could do as a good man." The Wizard shook his head. "But good men don't turn their backs on people. Theodora might be impetuous and she might be rash, but I can't turn my back on her. I can't give up on her. I won't." He paused and pursed his lips. "I really miss you. I wish you were here…"
"Who's Annie?" Startled, the Wizard turned around and blushed, embarrassed that he was caught in a very private moment. Wearing a white blouse, the witch gazed at him from a nearby side entrance of her castle. Her hair was disheveled and her lips were nervously parted.
"I…umm…she's….I mean…" The Wizard did not know what to say. He didn't realize that Theodora had been surreptitiously watching him without his knowledge.
"Who's Annie", the witch asked him anxiously again.
"She…" The Wizard then lowered his head as he inhaled and exhaled through his mouth. He then looked up at the witch. "She was a good friend. I knew her for a very long time. But…" He then pursed his lips. "I'll never be able to see her again." The witch continued to look at him, but then beckoned him to come inside.
The pair made their way into the castle as the witch guided him to her bedroom. "Do you want to tell me what the hell happened before", the Wizard asked. "And do you want to give me some warning the next time you decide to go all crazy on people?"
The witch sat on a nearby chair in her spacious bedroom and narrowed her eyes at him suspiciously.
"I just want to understand what happened", the Wizard remarked. "That's all. I just want to understand…"
"Understand what?", she asked as she eyed him, thinking he was judging her. "Are you going to judge me like everyone else in Oz has?"
"I want to know how you felt. Or rather, how you feel", he said.
As Theodora spoke slowly to him, she gazed at him emptily. Her tone was soft, but with a touch of edginess. It was almost like she had come undone and now she was trying to pull herself back together.
"How do you think I felt, Wizard", she asked him rhetorically. "I felt like hell. When I woke up the day you left", the witch said as she stared past him and into space. "It felt like there was this black hole of emptiness. There was just this feeling deep inside of me that said you were never coming back. First came intense despair. Then came intense rage with guilt, shame, and sorrow. All these emotions happened at the same time. It just felt like this swirling chaotic mess inside of me that I couldn't control. It just pulled me in. And there was nothing that I could do to stop it. It was like this consuming ball of emotion that battered me relentlessly. I felt like it was never going to end and that I was just such a horrible and worthless witch who did something to pull you away…"
The Wizard pursed his lips and shook his head. "No! No, you didn't do anything wrong." He took a seat on a chair across from her. "It was my fault. It was me. I just…I should have just told you what was happening instead of writing a note. But you were sleeping. And I didn't want to overwhelm you. I didn't realize you never got it and I just didn't understand that you were going to react this way." The Wizard lowered his head. "I'm sorry."
The witch gave him no response. Instead, she simply stared at him emptily without emotion. There was an unsettling silence from her when she was quiet and when she spoke. To the Wizard, it appeared that she was speaking not on behalf of herself, but of someone else.
"Now you know…", she finally said.
"Do you feel like this all the time", he asked as he raised his head and gazed at her. He wanted to get as much information as he could.
"Most of the time", she said. "I may feel unbridled joy and happiness one minute", she smiled weakly at him. "Those are usually short lived. And if there's no conflict, I try and put on my best face. But if there is conflict…"
"What happens if there's conflict", he asked as his brow was raised.
She stared at him icily. "I just want to rip my skin off and crawl out of myself. I can't focus. I can't concentrate. I beat myself up constantly as my mind assails me with incredibly negative feelings and beliefs. I just feel like I'm being burned all over. I tell myself that I'm rotten and irredeemably wicked. And if someone causes it, I sometimes have these…thoughts…"
"What thoughts?"
"That I just want to kill the person that caused me this agony. Rip their skin apart. Burn them up until their skin is charred black. I start to see blood in the corner of my eyes. And if I can't get rid of these feelings, the blood starts to become black. Like, I see it everywhere…and I must get these thoughts out. I must get these feelings out…so I…"
She pulled her dress over her arm, revealing the cut marks she made several days prior. "I did this after you left…"
His eyes became wide as she started to raise her voice and her lips began to quiver. "You did this to me, Wizard! You gave me intense happiness, it was perfect, but then you had to cause me unbearable pain and intense agony. Are you happy now, Wizard?" Being impassive several moments before, she now started to sob.
As she revealed to him a highly guarded and personal secret, the Wizard placed his hand over his eyes. He didn't know how to react. "Oh Jesus", he quietly muttered under his breath. He then clasped his hands together and placed them over his stomach.
"Umm…okay." The Wizard began to shift uncomfortably in his chair. This was a lot to take in. He didn't know what to say. "Do you do this often?", he asked.
"Sometimes…it helps with the pain" she said as she placed her own hand over her mouth and her foot started to tap nervously on the carpet. "Are you mad at me now, Wizard?"
"No", he emphatically said as he leaned his body towards her from his chair. "I'm glad. I mean…I'm happy you are telling me this."
She started to act anxious as her tapping intensified. "Wizard…please…", she said as she lowered her hand from her face and her eyes began to tear. "I can't live like this. I can't eat. I can't sleep. Please…you must fix this. You're the Wizard, okay? You must. You need to. Right now! I just can't handle this!" When a response from him was not forthcoming, she started to rage, which startled him. "CAN YOU DO ANYTHING RIGHT, WIZARD?" She started to sob again and her voice became quiet. "Please! I care about you so much but it's killing me inside! This is all I can think about day and night. I'm suffering! I need help! Please, help me…"
She then continued in jittered tones. "I can feel it, Wizard. The apple's curse is starting to come back. I can feel its presence. I thought I had gotten rid of it, but it is starting to come back! And if it takes me over again, I don't know what it would do! I won't be able to control myself and things will be so much worse. Please Wizard…only you can help me!" She was begging and pleading with him.
He clasped his hands together as he held the side of his hands over his nose. He closed his eyes. "Okay", he said softly. "Wait, wait, wait, let me think." After several moments of deep contemplation, he opened his eyes again.
"What", she asked.
"This is bad, Theo…", he said nervously.
"Bad?!", she cried out. "I don't want to hear that! I want to hear that you can fix this!"
Both of their feet were now tapping anxiously on the carpet, but neither of them noticed. "I will. I can. I just…I just don't know how yet." The Wizard then placed his hand, which was now subtly shaking, onto his thigh. He felt that one wrong move or misstep could send the witch off an emotional cliff. He was trying to tread lightly.
"But I'm confused about something", he then said. "You mentioned when I arrived that you had gotten rid of the magic apple's curse. How were you able to do that? You didn't go into details."
"Oh, I was able to do that by drinking from the great fountain of essence", she said. "I drank one cup of that magical substance shortly after I arrived and I was restored. But one can only drink from the fountain once every year. I didn't drink any from it since because I thought I was cured." Her voice then became edgy once more as she anxiously placed her hands over her face. "But now it feels like this curse is coming back and…"
"Where is the fountain now", the Wizard asked with much fervor in his voice. "The Winkie Guards moved it into a storage closet here in the castle", the witch replied.
"I will go get some", he said quickly. But as he stood from his chair and was about to dash past the sitting witch, her hand quickly grabbed his arm. "No", the witch said in angst. "You mustn't get any! The fountain needs to be replenished and this takes time. It should be ready soon and hopefully one more drink will cure me once and for all. But you must do me a favor", Theodora said as she shot him glare. "You must not open the door to that closet. If you do, bad things will happen. Only I can have access. It is forbidden for everyone else…"
As the witch spoke, the Wizard sighed and reluctantly took a seat once more. He didn't pay heed to her warning, but rather, many questions filled his mind instead. Why didn't Glinda ever tell him about this magic? Why didn't she ever use it on Theodora? Why hadn't he heard of this from anybody else?
"I…I can't believe nobody told me this" the Wizard said as he shook his head. "I can't believe nobody told me that there was a cure. Not anybody at the Emerald City. Not Glinda…no one."
"Of course they wouldn't tell you", the witch replied. "They've been after me ever since I was very little. Just like they will be after you now. I have no doubt that Glinda will try and take over your position now that Agatha has crossed the shifting sands..."
But the Wizard started to vociferously object and shake his head. "No. No, this is not possible." He was adamant. "Glinda will come and everything will be cleared up. I guarantee this."
"I doubt it", Theodora said. "They will stop at nothing to try and ruin my life…"
The Wizard started to shake his head again as guilt entered his mind once more. "Theo", he said as he started to call the witch by a nickname. "I need to say this to you, but…I'm sorry that…"
This made the witch roll her eyes. "Oh, let me guess, you are sorry that you gave me these feelings…", she said as she pouted and crossed her arms on her chest, finishing his sentence.
"I am", he replied. "I'm sorry that I gave you those flowers. I am sorry that I gave you that music box. I'm sorry that I danced with you and that we kissed. I'm sorry about all of it. I rather wished we never met…"
A surprised expression filled her face. "You don't mean that, do you?"
"If it meant that we'd never met and you never suffered like you did, then yes, I do", he said. "I only wish happiness for you, Theodora. I really mean that." The Wizard gazed into her eyes as he continued. "One time when I was at the Emerald City, I had a dream. I was walking down the large boulevard when I came onto a nice café on a street corner. It may have been several blocks from the palace, but I don't remember. All I remembered was you sitting on a chair and a group of Ozians were sitting on another chair across from a round table. You were talking to them and they were talking to you. At times, each of you broke out into laughter. You noticed and acknowledged me, but only for very briefly, before your gaze shifted back to the group. You seemed happy." He continued to look at her sincerely. "I never wanted this for you. I never wanted you to be holed up in this castle with no friends or allies and feeling lonely and alone."
As he spoke, the witch focused her eyes on her carpet. A look of regret and longing was palpable on her face. After the Wizard finished speaking, she kept them there only momentarily before looking at him again. "Well, you drive me crazy, that's for sure", the witch said as she sighed. She then shook her head ever so slightly. "But there is not one day that goes by where I ever regret meeting you."
He continued to look at her. "Really", he asked. After all that had happened, he was surprised that she said that. But she nodded her head in affirmation. She then lowered her head and looked at the carpet. "Is this ever going to end", she asked. "This pain? This chaos? Is this ever going to end?"
"Yes", he said in earnest. For the next several moments, the room remained quiet as both he and the witch did not speak.
"When did you first start feeling like this", he asked, breaking the silence.
She looked up at him. "When I was younger. When I lived at the palace."
"So…", he studied her carefully. "How do you think of me right now?"
"Well, I hated you", the witch said. "I mean, I really hated you. I wanted to kill you before. Only the Faeries knew why I didn't. But now I love you again." She began to nod her head. "Yes, I love you." She then beamed a bright smile at him. "I really do."
The Wizard pursed his lips as he looked at her with much seriousness. "Let's keep an eye out on this together. Okay? Let me know if this starts to happen again…" In response, she flashed him a ghost of a smile.
Just as he finished speaking, the captain barged into her bedroom. "Wizard, there is someone from the Emerald City waiting to see you outside at the gate."
The Wizard abruptly stood from his chair. Finally, someone arrived and he hoped that it was Glinda to resolve this matter once and for all. "Do you want to join me", he asked the witch. She nodded her head. "Okay, then get ready", he said.
As he turned to exit her bedroom, Theodora looked at him with big eyes. "Wizard", she asked. "Why me?"
He turned and looked at her. "What do you mean", he replied.
"I mean, out of everyone in Oz, why me? Like, why do you want to help me? No one has ever wanted to help me before." She looked at him with slight confusion in her eyes. "Why?"
"Why not you", he asked as he repeated the question. "Why not you?"
"No, but really", she inquired. "Why me? No one has ever had a dream about me before. Maybe nightmares, but not dreams. Out of everyone in Oz, why did you even come back to me? After everything I did and after how everyone in Oz views me, why would you even want to give me a second chance? Why me? Why don't you just leave me now while you still can?"
Indeed, the Wizard sometimes wondered why he went to her castle to begin with and why he even stayed. But maybe it was more than simply Glinda telling him to go or even waiting on her to arrive. Maybe there was a deeper and more powerful reason that compelled him to venture to the witch's castle and to stay, an explanation that transcended even his own understanding.
Before turning to leave her bedroom, he said the only thing he could think of.
"Let's find out why together."