Trigger Warning: some violence and self-harm/suicidal ideation. Reader discretion is advised.
His breath was heavy and erratic as he raced through the forest as fast as he could. He cupped his nose with both of his hands, but this did little to stop the bleeding. The pain was sharp and throbbing. It felt like forever, but the sun was still high in the sky when he finally sprinted through the front entrance of the castle and passed the main rotunda. He felt like he was going to die if he didn't get help soon.
A group of Winkie servants and maids had been busy cleaning when the Wizard unexpectedly burst into the dining room. "HELP ME", he pleaded to them as his whole body trembled and shook. Blood coated his face, his nose and both of his hands. His disheveled and gruesome appearance sent the group into a frenzy as pandemonium ensued.
"What happened", one shouted.
"Get a doctor", another screamed.
"Oh my! Is he okay", another asked in a panic.
"Get Bella! Quickly!"
"Please help…" the Wizard pleaded between bouts of breath. He felt lightheaded as he collapsed to the floor. As several Winkies quickly approached him, he continued to tightly hold his nose with both of his blood-soaked hands. "Am I…am I gonna die", he exclaimed shakily. "Am I…am I gonna die?"
The day started out as any normal one. The Wizard was wakened by the sound of birds chirping and the morning light of the sun creeping in through the guest bedroom's shades. As his eyes adjusted to the light, he then realized that he was sleeping in an empty bed.
He stretched as he groggily rubbed his eyes. "Theodora?" When he didn't hear a response, he knew that he was alone.
Today was the day. He felt a sense of nervousness that he was going to return to the Emerald City. He didn't know what was going to happen when he returned to a place that had apparently ordered his death and he still didn't know how the witch was going to react to his departure.
After he prepared himself and put on his usual attire, the Wizard opened the door to the sound of soft melodic music that permeated the hallway. It was the sound of a music box. It was the sound of his music box. He followed the tune through the hallway, which led him a short way to the witch's bedroom. Strangely, her double doors were wide open. Maybe the Winkies were cleaning her room? But he noticed that there was no one around, nor was there any cleaning equipment near the entrance to her bedroom or in the hallway.
Remembering that he had left his bag in her bedroom, he quietly entered. "Theodora", he said. "Are you here?" But he did not hear a response. He stepped into her bedroom completely, to which there was no one else there, and he began to search for his bag. He noticed that the music box was sitting on the desk, which was tucked away in the far corner of her bedroom. As he approached to examine the music box, he saw that it was still the same one that he gave her. He was shocked that she didn't destroy it. After several moments of hearing its music, the Wizard placed his hand on the wooden cover and closed the box, turning the music off. As he did so, he then eyed an untitled book sitting next to the box that the Wizard hadn't seen before.
Curiosity got the better of him as he opened the book.
Many pages were charred black and unreadable. Others had scribbles over the handwriting that made the words illegible. But it appeared to be a journal and as the Wizard flipped through the pages, his eyes became wider and his focus more intense.
Journal Entry 147
I had the most wonderful of days yesterday. I met the Wizard! *The Wizard!* I knew he was going to come to us and now he finally did! I was right all along, even though my sister didn't believe me. Ohhh, he makes me feel the way no one else has made me feel before. I just know deep down that he is the person for me. We belong together and we will rule all of Oz together. My father aside, sister says that witches are ordained to rightfully rule, so it will really be me who will do the ruling. But still, the Emerald City would never accept me as their ruler unless the popular Wizard makes me his queen. Everyone has been waiting for him to take his rightful place, but to also deal with my other "sister" who I can't bear to name just yet...
Still, I can feel these wonderful emotions that are deep within my heart and are deep within my soul. And it's not just about us ruling the Land of Oz together. It is about restoring peace and harmony to the land that my other "sister" took away from us. And took away from me. I know Oz will be wonderful again and it is the wonderful Wizard who will make it so. Oh, Wizard. Where are you right now? I know you are probably with my sister as she gives you a tour of the palace, but I want you to be with me. I think about you all the time and I want us to be together always. But still, I can't help but feel a pang of jealousy that she now has you all to herself…
The Wizard's arrival has brought back nostalgic memories. I know deep down that Glinda is a wicked witch. She must be, for I was betrayed by her. My sister always told me such. Agatha was not a kind woman to me, even though all I wanted was to be her friend. To be everyone's friend. Why do Ozians think I am so wicked? Sister told me I was such today. It hurt so much. When I finally become queen and rule this land, I will prove all of them wrong. The Emerald City will bow and worship me. How can they not? I am Theodora, the good witch.
Oh Wizard, why did you have to leave the throne room before my sister said how wicked I was? I needed you there because I know how powerful you are. You would have comforted me and said everything was going to be okay. These emotions of mine are just excruciating sometimes. Please, come back…
Journal Entry 148
The Wizard he…I can barely comprehend or muster up the courage to write this because it hurts so incredibly much. My sister told me the unthinkable…that the Wizard *danced* with her the night prior! How could the Wizard do this to me? How could he do this to me? After all I did for him. This can't be true…
I guided him to the Emerald City. It was I who wanted him to be king. It was I who fell in love with him. He kissed me. He danced with me. We had a wonderful night together. Because of all that, I deserve to be his queen!
Doesn't he know that I would make a far better ruler than my sisters? Doesn't he know how beautiful I am? And that I am far prettier than they are?
Or am I? I don't know anymore. Maybe deep down I truly am ugly. Is this why you danced with Evanora? Do you think she is more beautiful than me, Wizard? Oh, Wizard, please don't let this be true. She can't be more beautiful than me! Please Wizard…please my heart is aching. Please come back to me. My chest is burning. It's on fire and it hurts so much. My word is shattered and torn to bits. It feels like a dagger is tearing my heart right in the middle. Please come back. Please. Please tell me I will be your queen. I can't let this pain continue. This excruciating pain. This unbearable agony. Noo…please. I can't…
Journal Entry 149
I did it. I finally confronted that treacherous, deceitful fucking Wizard and that goody goody "other" sister Glinda. How I despise her so fucking much. How I fucking despise them both! I wanted to fucking kill that Wizard in front of all those Quadlings for what he did to me. HOW DARE HE MESS WITH ME LIKE THAT! HOW DARE HE DANCE WITH EVANORA! THAT WAS OUR DANCE! HOW DARE HE TRY AND MAKE ANYONE ELSE HIS QUEEN! I WAS EXTRA NICE AND KIND AND ACCOMODATING TO HIM WHEN WE MET! I MOONED OVER HIM AND HAD SO MANY GOOD EMOTIONS OF HIM! I made sure I humiliated him for that betrayal. And I would have killed him for his treachery too, if it were not for that "other" sister of mine. No matter, I will have my revenge soon enough. He will NEVER be safe now that he has betrayed me and thwarted my ambitions. I hate him so much that I even took a broom to spite him!
My skin is green now. My sister called me hideous, but we all know that it was all the Wizard's fault. He made me like this. Of course, he did! I vaguely remember how it happened. All I remember was my sister giving me an apple, but that fucking Wizard was the one who caused me to bite it! IF HE MADE ME HIS QUEEN, I WOULD NOT HAVE DONE THAT! BUT ALLOWING GLINDA TO RULE THE LAND JUST MAKES ME SICK! Even now I demand that my sister give me that entire apple so I can eat the whole damn thing, but now she plays stupid, says she doesn't know what I am talking about and actively avoids me. I think she regrets giving the apple to me and now fears me. Good. She should. What a weakling she is, and she always said that I was the weak and the wicked one. Still, I need her on my side and in my war against Glinda and that pathetic Wizard.
Journal Entry 150
My sister continues to stall, and this frustrates me to no end with her supposed grand plans. She keeps hesitating on using the Winkies and her flying baboons on Glinda's kingdom. I say use them already! Crush them! Let the yellow brick road flow red with their blood!
I already penetrated Glinda's magical wall. I don't know how that happened as Evanora claimed that only those who have goodness could pass through. But my sister's apple withered my heart.
It doesn't matter. I for one want to take great revenge on every Ozian who wronged me, who always bullied me, who always made fun of me and who always tormented me and everyone else who never accepted me. But I have a special place in my heart—or lack thereof—for that fucking Wizard. FUCK YOU WIZARD! FUCK YOU! I HOPE YOU BURN IN THE DARKEST PIT OF OZ FOR WHAT YOU DID TO ME! AND ONCE YOU ARE DEAD, MY SISTER AND I WILL RULE THE LAND AND EVERYONE WHO NEVER RESPECTED ME WILL PAY DEARLY!
Journal Entry 151
I am exiled. I am wracked with deep shame, remorse and guilt for what I have done. I am hideous. I am a monster. I am terrible.
I just want to die. I hate the Wizard so much, but why do I still love him so? Why do I still have these deep feelings for him, even though he was instrumental in taking away the one thing I desired most: becoming queen. Why do I still ache for him? Why? I guess Evanora is right: I am a weakling, and I always will be one. I just wish the last several days didn't happen, but of course I messed things all up and I will never see him again. I feel so sick that I just want to end it all, to get a bucket of water or walk to a nearby stream and float away into eternal oblivion. I am sure all of Oz will be celebrating my demise and will be dancing on my grave, like those fools know what my pain truly feels like. I am in unbearable agony. Please, let this end.
Goodbye, Wizard. I am sorry for everything. If I could turn back time, I would take back all those horrible things I said and did to you. But I am filled with such sorrow and despair. I wanna die now because I am so sad thinking about this…
Journal Entry 152
I haven't written in a while. I've just been bedridden mired in a deep depression. I only have this rotten castle in this backwater province and those imbecilic Winkies around to keep me company. I screamed and yelled at two incompetent maids this morning who were doing my hair and threatened them if they didn't do it perfectly. I flew into a justifiable rage as I destroyed many things in my bedroom. God, do I despise these people. They relentlessly gossip about me behind my back and are ungrateful vermin, just like the way those in the Emerald City treated me. They deserve my wrath.
I feel like I have nothing to live for anymore, except only to indulge in my feelings of intense hatred towards the world and towards myself. The only goals I have are to nurture my misery and regret. In a way, it sort of gives me a pleasurable satisfaction to know retribution awaits those who defy me.
The only "good" thing I can write is that I haven't thought about my "sister" who I won't even name or that Wizard until this morning, but even that the Faeries couldn't help with! I hear that they are both ruling Oz together like the perfectly happy little couple that they are, and the Wizard reverted to his "mortal" form. I want to curse them both, but I know it is out of my power to do so. If they have a child though, that little brat won't be beyond my power of retribution. I want to curse that child for what the Wizard and Glinda did to me! That revenge will be sweet, indeed.
Journal Entry 153
I tried to kill myself today, but Mitchell, the new Winkie Guard captain, persuaded me not to. I swear, that man knows exactly what to say. But no matter what, I simply cannot maintain friendships with people. I know I will admire him today but then hate him for something tomorrow. What's wrong with me? Why do I behave with so intensity? Why does every emotion burn me in such an agonizing way?
I feel so incredibly lonely like no one wants me or to even acknowledge me. All the Winkies hate me and rightfully so. I always fall asleep at night like I am about to cry out rivers of tears. Except those rivers of tears are constant reminders of the fires of hell and even crying does little to relieve my despair. It makes me feel like dying even more.
(Many journal entries after this were either scribbled, crossed out, torn from the page or single sentences about military objectives or resource inventory. As the Wizard scrolled, he came upon more recent entries.)
Journal Entry 356
After nearly three years since I came to live in this god-forsaken country, I finally have the Golden Cap! It is mine at long last! After years of being victimized by the world and suffering from torturous agonies and evil incarnate, fortune has finally given me something to be happy about! I am ecstatic! Nothing but joy and satisfaction could describe this feeling.
My aunt was banished from the Emerald City when I was a child. And even though we share our mutual hared with the Emerald City, I have no love or feelings for her. The guards banged down her door and threatened to throw that old hag into the river if she didn't give it up. The sheer irony, since way back when she once controlled the guards. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Our control of the surrounding land strengthens with each passing day. Mitchell is confident that we can control the entire Winkie Country within a year. And when I control the Winkie Country, then the Quadlings and the Emerald City are next!
Journal Entry 374
I received the most shocking news today. After almost forgetting that he even existed, the Wizard is coming to visit me. Me! I didn't know what to think. I should have had his emissary thrown into a deep dark dungeon or executed on the spot for coming onto my land uninvited…but I didn't. Why does he want to visit me?
But strangely, I feel happy. I didn't even remember what that emotion felt like when it comes to others. Mitchell said that my first expression on my face was a smile, but I haven't smiled in years and don't even remember doing that. What is that man blathering about? He's just ridiculous and silly. I never smile. Not to anyone. Not anymore.
I don't even know why I gave in to this visit. Probably another stupid weakness of mine. However, this does present another opportunity to rule all of Oz once again and in one fell swoop. And the Wizard could do that for me.
I hope to make him nice at home and to be incredibly sweet and caring towards him. And if he does what I want, then he won't have an issue with his "visit".
I will write again as this plays out. But I don't know why I feel nervous.
Journal Entry 375
The Wizard came to the castle today. I couldn't believe how petrified I was. I hid from him! I don't know why I was terrified of him. Maybe it's because these weak emotions keep affecting me and I don't want them too. But I am starting to feel happier. I am actually happy he came back. Happiness…what an alien emotion this is. Why is this man who betrayed me making me feel happy?
Now if only those useless servants and maids do their job, so I don't have to keep screaming at them.
Journal Entry 376
The Wizard came into my room last night. It felt like we were in the forest again and he was dancing with me. He kept on kissing me. I loved kissing him and it felt so magical. Now I know how incredible goodness is. I feel incredibly alive. What a wonderful man the Wizard is. I remember being jealous over something he did but can't even recall what it was over.
The butterflies in my stomach have returned. I didn't want this to happen, but they just did. They are the same just like the first day we met. And when he taught me to dance. No one in Oz had done that before. Now I am remembering all the reasons sister gave as to why I was the "weak" one.
Oh, Wizard. You better not betray me again. I…I adore you…
Journal Entry 377
The Wizard slept with me again. God, I really love him so much. I just want him to love me, too, but something seems…different. He's…changed. When he's lying next to me in bed, I can just see it in his eyes. He looks tired. And exhausted. And older. And he's much more serious now! I thought he would look younger as the Emerald City I thought would pamper him. But no…
And something else just seems…off. He keeps…resisting me. Does he think I am ugly? Wizard, please don't think I am hideous. I am so confused by these feelings you are giving me…these feelings that I thought would never return. I think you are putting a magical spell on me again. This time, I am going to do everything possible to make sure that you stay…
Journal Entry 378
I hate him. I hate that Wizard. After cutting myself, which only gave me momentary relief from the agony, I then sought answers from those useless Winkies, fear me as they should. When he finally returned, I locked myself in my room. I just want to die again. If the Wizard leaves me, I won't be able to handle it. I don't care what the Emerald City has to say.
If the Wizard leaves and heads back to the Emerald City or to Glinda, all hope is lost. I think I would rather choose death.
Journal Entry 379
The Wizard told me that he is going to leave in the morning. He cannot leave. I will not allow him to leave. I simply cannot feel the unbearable agony and pangs of loneliness and despair that I have felt ever since he left me for Glinda. I can't. I would rather kill him and then kill myself.
As the Wizard finished reading the last journal entry, he started to get goosebumps over his entire body. He shivered as a voice screamed inside his own mind that he wasn't safe. A nagging feeling then came over him that he was being watched.
A sweet-sounding voice startled him from behind. This made the Wizard close the journal with lightning speed as he turned around. The witch, wearing her red hat and riding outfit, held her hands below her waist as she smiled brightly at him. "Breakfast is ready…"
"Jesus Christ", the Wizard exclaimed as he placed his hand over his chest. "You scared the shit out of me…"
He then eyed the floor as he tried to quickly make up an excuse for why he was in her bedroom.
"Uhhh, I…" The Wizard darted his eyes to his bag that was resting near his feet. "I was looking for my bag", the Wizard exclaimed. "I just found it!"
Theodora then flashed him another bright smile as she giggled. She then turned away from him as she started to skip and hop out of her bedroom in a carefree manner.
The Wizard nodded with a smile of his own, but as soon as she was out of sight, his smile disappeared, and his expression became serious. He then swiftly checked his bag. Nestled away and under his various blueprints was his protective vest and sitting on top of his vest was his colt derringer, which he picked up and then concealed under his suit jacket.