"Hey, let's play big bro!" Ah, I'm suddenly being attacked by a small child! A very cute one, with exotic white hair, and red eyes, but creepy nonetheless. Okay, she actually isn't doing anything bad, but suddenly being called by someone freaked me out.
I wave at her. "Sorry, but I have to go to school right now." After waking up, I had to endure countless jokes my dad made about my obsession with middle schoolers... Even though Caren doesn't even go to school. And after that, my day had to start.
It will be a calm one, I'm gonna ask Rin and Sakura about the grail, introduce them to Caren... Waver might or might not appear... I did ask him to bring my shirt in person after all, and to bring a cute girl with him. It goes without saying that I have high hopes.
The girl pouts. "I see, what a shame... and here I was, about to play with my big brother, when no one is looking..." She gives me a wink. "My parents aren't around, and neither is the police..." That's...!
I make a serious face. "Okay then, I'm calling your parents! Do you now their number little missy?" It's dangerous to let a kid wander around all alone. Fuyuki can be pretty dangerous! I remember one time, where a weird orange haired guy tried kidnapping me... It was pretty scary.
Thankfully mom broke his neck, and it turns out he was a super serial killer! Anyways, the court ruled self-defense and he never hurt anyone else! 'Cause he was dead! But you never know when a similar freak might show up.
The albino child slowly sighs. "Nevermind that." She starts muttering, frustration in her voice. "Play to my strengths? What the hell is wrong with you grandfather, of course this wouldn't work..." Oh? Is her grandfather nearby? Then we should call him...
She then does a little bow. "My apologies Lord Shibata, it appeared that in my effort to accommodate you, I made you confused." Wait, if she's calling me a lord, that must means she knows my status as a Campione! I don't know if that's a big deal or not...
There's some sort of elegance to what she does, like Rin, if she actually succeeded at being elegant. "My name is Illyasviel Von Einzbern, though I would be... flattered, if you simply called me Illya." Einzbern... That's the last family! That means my hunch about them living here was right!
Now I just need to convince her that working together with Rin and Sakura is to her best of interests, with the three of them I can surely get my King Arthur sex slave! Though I don't know how to convince her, I definitely can't make a kid into a concubine after all. Maybe she will follow my orders because I'm a Campione? Without being my cumdump I mean?
I give her my best comforting smile. "Okay then Illya, and you can just call me Yato. By the way, how do you feel about working together with some friends of mine to resurrect King Arthur?" Maybe asking this of a child isn't wise... Does she even know magecraft at her age?
Illya raises an eyebrow. "I... believe I shall need more context for the later part." But then her expression shifts into a happy one. "But I'll be glad to call you Yato." A few giggles escape her, she starts muttering again. "See grandfather? My natural charm shines through." Now I feel like I am the one needing context.
The girl shakes her head. "But first of all, let me explain my purpose of coming here." She extends a hand towards me. "Yato, I would like to court you, it seems my heart desires yours." That's bad! Your heart desires to see my behind bars!
Damn it, this is bad! Why is the first person to ever confess to me a kid!? Why couldn't she be some mature sexy woman!? Ah, whatever, I guess I might as well gently let her down... or as gently as I can manage I suppose.
I swallow my own saliva, my throat feels dry. "Um... I actually..." If she starts crying, then I won't know what to do! Can I order her to not cry, since I'm a Campione!? "I actually already have three girlfriends, sorry...!" Shit I messing up! I shouldn't have told her I have three, now she's gonna wonder what's the problem with increasing that number to four!
Illya, contrary to my expectations, simply makes a confused face. "Three? I was led to believe it was two, and that they were simply sluts... Forgive my swearing, harlots, concubines, bed warmers, you know the deal." I don't think a kid should be speaking like that!
Still, I nod towards her statement. "Yeah, they're my concubines... I actually got a new one yesterday! So now I'm dating Rin Tohsaka, Sakura Matou, and Caren Hortensia!" All super cute! I really am a lucky guy.
Illya makes a thinking pose. "I never heard of that last one before... I suppose she must not be that important." Then she grins. "And please do not compare dating, to them being your sex slaves." Why? It's pretty much what it is. Okay, it's a little bit different, but worrying abour small details sounds like a Rin move.
The girl grin turns... flirtatious? At least I think she tries, I'm not into her anyways. "What I seek is not to be your concubine Yato. I want to be your woman, your lover! And it's definitely not just because I wish to elevate myself above the Tohsaka and the Matou." I believe you! I think...
But there's still a big problem. "I... I'm flattered, really, but this just isn't going to work... I'm sorry Illya, but the age difference is just too big for me." Maybe one day she can grow up and find me, if she still feels that way!
Illya glares at me. "Age difference!?" Oh boy, I can definitely hear the tone of a scornful vengeful woman there. "Don't talk like I'm some hag! I don't care if you're a Campione, I won- Ah right, sorry." It seems she realized something. "I'm actually eighteen, I just stopped aging due to some... stuff." Ah... Now I'm totally into her!
I can't believe a mature sexy older woman just confessed to me! Now dad won't be able to make fun of me for going after middle schoolers ever again! I mean, would a guy with that sort of taste date a woman two years older than him!? Illya is old enough to be on the last year of high school after all!
I guess some people might find the fact that she looks like a kid strange... But these people are prejudiced idiots, and dad told me to never pay any mind to people like them. Illya is an adult after all, so denying her relationships because of her appearance would be cruel.
I nod to myself. "Okay then Illya, sorry for assuming stuff. I would be super happy to enter in a relationship with you." My first actual girlfriend! Actually I still count that as Rin, but for some reason Illya insists there's a difference.
I would say it's because with Illya it feels more consensual? But that wouldn't work, because Caren was very happy to be my concubine, and she's still a concubine, not a girlfriend. Maybe Illya is the type of person who tries looking for weird details no one cares about? She will surely get along with Rin!
Illy extends a hand. "Then let us be happy, my dear consort eternal." Wow, that sounds like something a video game character would say... Or a really elegant lady! Also I'm pretty sure consort is supposed to be marriage stuff, so does this mean that Illya wants to progress this quickly!? Mature woman can be scary...
Still, I don't know what do here... And my awkwardness shows, because after a while, Illya starts whispering. "You're supposed to get on your knees and kiss my hand. It's chivalrous." Oh! That makes sense. So I do as she orders. It's a bit difficult to do exactly as I imagine in my head, since Illya is so small, but it's definitely possible.
Illya smirks. "Not too bad. You cut quite the figure." She makes a thinking pose. "Not exactly that of a knight, but perhaps of a warrior all the same... Besides, I don't like knights anyway." Awww, I want to be a knight though! They're super cool!
I get up as Illya continues talking. "Now let us go on a date. My maid took the time to prepare some food for us back at my castle." She has a castle!? I don't have a castle! That's unfair, now I totally want one... Well, I'll just ask Waver after my mansions are done.
I smile. "So you have a castle and maids huh? I always wanted to meet an old school maid, girls who cook for you are pretty cool." Guys too! I once dreamed of being a butler! Sadly I lack the necessary looks for such a position... I'm not handsome or old enough for it.
Illya blinks for a few moments. "Oh? You find cooking attractive?" I nod, it's a pretty common thing to like. "I see, by the way, I misspoke earlier. It was actually me who cooked for you, Sella wasn't involved at all." I imagine that's the maid... Wow, to think Illya cooks even when she has hired help!
My mature girlfriend is so independent and cool! As expected of an eighteen year old, I can feel how mature she is... Like a reverse me! Honestly, it's almost making me feel insecure. What if Illya thinks I'm childish!? That would be bad for my auto esteem.
But there's one problem. "Um... Sorry Illya, I'm really happy you prepared all this stuff for me, but I have to go to school." In fact, I need to go fast, or I'll arrive late! I think... I actually left quite early, so I could escape my dad's teasing. Thankfully that will be stopping now that Illya is here!
Illya seems a bit saddened, but nods. "I understand. It's Sella's fault for making me come here at this time!" Ah, your maid again? "She convinced me that you would totally drop school if a pretty girl paid attention to you..." Never! Also it goes without saying that Illya does indeed qualify as a pretty girl.
I smile. "I'm a responsible guy! You can accompany me to school if you want though." Then I could introduce her to Rin! And also show off the fact that I'm dating a girl two years older than me, that's something that every teen wishes to do after all.
Illlya's eyes widen. "I... Really? Are you sure it's a good idea for me to follow you? I doubt the commoners at your school will buy an excuse such as calling me your little sister." Why would I say that? Incest isn't something you should go around screaming about.
I tilt my head in confusion. "What do you mean? I'll just tell everyone you're my sex- beautiful girlfriend. It's not like the teachers will mind as long as you leave before school officially starts." I almost called her sexy! Even though we just got together... how embarrassing. Maybe I got too confident because I have three sex slaves? I need to watch what I say, before I start sprouting something vulgar.
Illya seems strangely confused, but after a moment she blushes. "H-huh... This might not be too bad. My heart actually raced just now." Oh!? I definitely said something good then! Specially since Illya giggles. "Indeed, I'm your sexy girlfriend Yato." Ah, she noticed I meant to call her sexy! "And I would love to walk towards school with you~." Great!
I start walking. "Then allow me to lead the way my cute girlfriend!" Illya follows along, we joke around and flirt as we talk... It made a bunch of jealous people stare at us! It reminds me of when I first met Rin... I wonder if she's already on school grounds.
"Yato, who the hell is this little gremlin? Why is she on my school?" Rin immediately glares at Illya, it's like the moment these two saw each other, sparks began to fly. Even an idiot like me can read the tension in the air...
The albino girl smiles, it's a mature one that wouldn't look out of place in James Bond femme fatale. "I am Illyasviel Von Einzbern, simply visiting Fuyuki." Visiting? Does that mean Illya doesn't actually live here?
Rin crosses her arms. "Yeah, I can tell you're an Einzbern... What I want to know is why you're here before the Holy Gr-" She looks at me for a second, and then back at Illya. "Before the you know what starts." She's right! I do know what she's talking about!
Illya's smile turns smug. "Oh, I just had to come here and see what the newest Campione was about... It turns out he is about good tastes, for he made me into his lover." Illya points at Rin. "You hear that you skanky skank? Lover, not concubine, not slut, not whore. Lover. Because only a Tohsaka or a Matou is meant to be taken like you were." Does her family have a story of concubines!? Wow, Rin never told me that before!
Rin looks like she might murder Illya, but Illya continues speaking. "By the way, why are holding back information on the Holy Grail War? How much of a fool are you Tohsaka?" She's holding information because people here don't know magecraft! So we probably shouldn't talk about it...
Rin's eye twitches. "I understand the situation." She takes a deep breath. "First of all, let's not act like Yato has given you any special treatment, you're a concubine too. Second of all... trust me, Yato shouldn't know about the Holy Grail War, it's for his own good." Ah, then it's a shame I learned about it already.
Now it's time I interject. "Actually Illya isn't my concubine, she's my consort or something. Also Kirei told me what the grail war is, and I want to mess with the grail later." I wonder if King Arthur knows Japanese!? Do I need to learn old English or whatever...? I don't think I'm smart enough to do that.
Rin looks up. "Oh, of course Kirei told you, and of course you want to mess with the grail. Today is a nightmare..." Then she realizes something and goes back to glaring at me. "Wait a damn second! What do you mean she's not a concubine!? Why!?" Because... she's not? I guess?
Illya smirks. "Because I'm a different breed than you Tohsaka... While you beg for scraps, I'm the one who leaves those scraps behind. Yato took one look at me and realized I was a mature, refined, elegant lady." I didn't actually. I totally tought you were a kid at first. I feel bad about it though!
Rin still keeps glaring at me. "W-what the hell Yato!? Make her a concubine right now! Or at least make me a consort... Not that I want to be a consort or anything! But you should at least have asked Sakura!" Ah...
I nod. "You maybe right... And I didn't offer the position to Caren either..." Rin raises a questioning eyebrow at that. "Oh right, she's Kirei's biological daughter. Yesterday I made her into my concubine too." Well, it's more like she made herself into my concubine.
Rin blinks in confusion. "I... I... I miss my father." Ah, I'm missing my dad too right now, but my parents are always with me in my heart. "Anyways, fix this concubine mess! Right now!" I don't know how to do that though!
Illya grins. "Mess? It's not a mess at all Tohsaka. It's the natural order of things... Yes, you, the Matou, and this Caren girl, are all naturally bellow me. True equality." Equals huh? That gives me an idea...
I smile, hitting a closed fist against an open palm. "I got it! Illya, you're now my concubine! I can only have one wife, because that's the law, but I can have multiple concubines! That way everyone is equal!" I have fixed my harem!
Illya steps back. "W-what...!? No way! Why did you lower my position all of the sudden!?" To make you equal with the rest! I shall call it... the Soviet Harem! Actually that might not be the best of names.
Now it's Rin's turn to smirk. "Oh? Are you going against a mighty campione, Illyasviel Von Einzbern? Perhaps you are in need of punishment..." Now she's talking like Caren. That's scary, I'm scared.
Illya glares at my first concubine. "Wipe that damn smirk of your ugly face Rin! Look at you, so proud of being a damn whore!" She called her Rin instead of Tohsaka...! They're relationship is improving!
Rin's smirk hasn't changed at all. "Shut up concubine, at least I have a body worthy of a whore. You look like a kid." When you speak like that, it really does make it sound like you're proud of your position...
And Illya definitely picks up on that. "Hah! So I was right! Talk about the elegance of the Tohsaka's or whatever! Might as well change your family motto to warming beds with elegance or something!" That sounds hot!
Rin snarks back, they both keep arguing... Way past after the bell rings too, but no one has any courage to step in at all. Mostly because if they try, Rin and Illya change their shouting to them.
Eventually someone pokes my shoulder, I turn around and see that it's Shiro. "Um... Shibata, do you have any clue about what's happening right now? I think Tohsaka might be ruining her image forever..." Why? She still looks idol worthy when screaming.
I shrug. "Don't worry about it. My girlfriends are just having a lovers spat over me." I think Rin was jealous that I gave Illya such an advanced position... I will reflect on my actions from now on, so please forgive me.
"Oh, okay Shibata... By the way, is this a dream?" Nope.
AN: Look at Rin go, making eternal enemies before Luvia even appears...