Chapter 16: Struggles in Therapy

30 ABY

Thad stood in the middle of the simulation chamber, the dim light casting long shadows around him. The holographic forms of his fellow padawans surrounded him, their faces twisted with disdain and mockery. His heart began to pound, each beat echoing louder in his ears as the simulation commenced.

"You're not even a real Jedi," one of the holographic padawans sneered, stepping closer, their voice dripping with contempt. "Always hiding behind that droid of yours. Pathetic."

Thad's chest tightened, his throat felt dry. The panic built rapidly, a wave of anxiety threatening to overwhelm him. He tried to speak, to defend himself, but the words caught in his throat, breaking into fragments.

The taunts grew louder, more relentless. "You think you belong here? You're nothing without that droid!" another voice jeered, echoing through the chamber, each word like a hammer striking his already fragile confidence.

His vision blurred as his breath quickened into shallow gasps. The room spun around him, the sneering faces closing in, suffocating him. The panic attack gripped him, stealing the air from his lungs.

The simulation ended abruptly, the holographic padawans dissolving into the ether. Thad collapsed to his knees, gasping for air, tears of frustration and shame streaming down his face. He felt utterly defeated, the weight of his failure pressing heavily on his shoulders.

The chamber door slid open with a soft hiss, and the Bendu entered, his presence calm and grounding. He approached Thad, resting a gentle hand near his shoulder. "It's alright, Thad," the Bendu said soothingly. "These exercises are not about immediate success but about practice and growth."

Thad looked up, his face flushed with embarrassment and despair. "I couldn't do it," he whispered, his voice choked with emotion. "I couldn't even speak. How am I supposed to overcome this if I can't even handle a simulation?"

The Bendu nodded, his eyes filled with understanding. "Confronting our fears and standing up for ourselves is a process, not an event. You've made progress just by attempting. Each effort, no matter how small, builds resilience."

Thad shook his head, tears spilling over. "It feels so… hopeless," he muttered. "Like I'm never going to get better."

The Bendu knelt beside him, meeting his gaze. "Healing and growth are journeys, not destinations. Every time you face these challenges, you chip away at the fear that holds you back. Keep trying, Thad. You are stronger than you believe."

Scene: A Moment of Reflection

Thad stepped away to take a break. The golden fields of Lothal swayed gently under the setting sun, casting a warm, inviting glow. Thad sat on a smooth stone, facing the expansive horizon. His mind, however, was far from serene. The therapy sessions with the Bendu had been grueling, unraveling the deeply rooted issues that had plagued him for years. This was a place of reflection, but also a crucible of transformation.

The Bendu, an ancient and wise Force-sensitive being, stood nearby. His presence was both calming and formidable. "You have journeyed far, Thad," the Bendu began, his voice resonating through the tranquil air. "But the journey within is only beginning."

Thad sighed, rubbing the back of his neck. "I thought coming here would give me peace, but it feels like the more I try to understand, the more lost I get," he confessed. His thoughts drifted to the traumas and uncertainties that had marked his life, particularly the abduction of his son, Diop, and the dark path his wife, Sara, had taken.

As Thad sat down for another session with the Bendu, he felt a knot of anxiety tighten in his chest. He knew what he needed to confront, but the words felt heavy on his tongue. Taking a deep breath, he finally spoke, his voice tinged with a mixture of regret and relief. "I have a compulsion," Thad admitted, "a deep-seated need for external validation. For years, I was so bent on seeking Luke's approval, on trying to prove myself to him, that I ignored the reality staring me in the face. The truth is... I was never going to be a Jedi Knight. I should have left the Order years ago, but I couldn't. I couldn't bear the thought of disappointing him."

The Bendu observed Thad quietly, his ancient eyes thoughtful. "You stayed longer than you should have," the Bendu responded, his voice gentle yet firm. "Not because you were unworthy, but because you were trying to fulfill a role that was never yours to begin with. The validation you sought was a shackle, binding you to a path that was not meant for you. Recognizing this is the first step towards releasing yourself from those chains."

Thad nodded, the weight of his admission lifting slightly. "It's just... I've always felt like I needed to be more, to be better, to earn my place. And I thought that meant being a Jedi Knight, like Luke. But now I see that I was chasing an illusion, a dream that wasn't mine."

The Bendu leaned forward, his gaze steady and compassionate. "Understanding your true path means understanding your true self. You are more than the validation you seek from others. Your worth is not measured by titles or approval, but by your actions, your integrity, and your resilience. It's time to let go of the need to be something you're not and embrace the strength in who you are."

Thad felt a tear escape down his cheek, a mix of sorrow and hope. "You're right," he whispered. "It's time to find my own way, to stop living for others' expectations."

The Bendu smiled, a slow, knowing smile. "The journey of self-discovery is rarely easy, but it is always worth it. Remember, Thad, the greatest battles are fought within. And you have already taken the first step towards victory."

Impact on Relationships

A shadow crossed Thad's face as he voiced his deepest fears. "I've always suspected Ben Solo had something to do with Diop's abduction. I never told anyone, not even Sara. But sometimes I wonder, if I had been a stronger Force user, would things have been different? Would Sara have stayed? Would she have been less tempted by the dark side?"

The Bendu's eyes narrowed, a hint of concern in his expression. "Don't go there, Thad. Those are dangerous thoughts." he cautioned. "You must understand that you have no control over the thoughts and actions of others. Sara made her choices based on her grief and pain. Her descent into darkness was her own decision, not a reflection of your worth or strength."

Thad felt a pang of guilt and sorrow. "I miss her," he admitted, his voice barely above a whisper. "I still love her, despite everything."

The Bendu approached Thad, his gaze piercing but gentle. "It is natural to love someone despite their flaws. But you must establish your identity separate from the need for her approval. Sara is responsible for her own actions. Her choices put you and Diop in danger, but that does not define who you are."

The words struck deep, resonating with Thad's inner turmoil. He had long struggled with the idea that his worth was tied to the validation of those he loved, especially Sara. The Bendu's wisdom was a stark reminder that he needed to forge his own path, independent of others' perceptions and decisions.

"Remember," the Bendu continued, "Sara married you for a reason. She saw a strength in you, an inner resilience that even she, in her darkest moments, still recognizes. It is this strength that you must now fully embrace, for yourself and for your future."

He looked down, his gaze lost in the swaying grass at his feet. "I miss Diop so much," Thad admitted, his voice breaking with emotion. "I think about him every day. All the years I've lost… all the years I could have been there, as a father, to watch him grow, to guide him. I should have been there for him. I should have protected him."

The Bendu listened quietly, his ancient eyes filled with understanding. "It is natural to grieve for the time lost," he said softly. "But dwelling on the past will not change it."

Thad's face hardened, a spark of anger flashing in his eyes. "Whoever took him from me, whoever kept us apart, they will pay," he swore, his fists clenching at his sides. "I'll make them pay for every moment they stole from us. I swear I'll avenge what was done to my family."

The Bendu's expression shifted, becoming more serious. He stepped closer to Thad, his voice firm but calm. "Be cautious, Thad," he warned. "That line of thinking—vengeance—it is a path fraught with danger. It can lead to darkness, and in your pursuit, you may place both yourself and your son in greater peril."

Thad's anger simmered beneath the surface, but he knew the truth in the Bendu's words. He took a deep breath, trying to calm the storm raging inside him. "But I can't just let it go," he said, his voice trembling with frustration and pain. "I want to reunite my family. I want Diop back. And I can't do that by sitting here doing nothing."

The Bendu nodded slowly, his gaze never leaving Thad's. "Your desire to reunite your family is noble, Thad. But it must be pursued with wisdom and pragmatism, not anger and recklessness. Your emotions are powerful, but they must be balanced with reason. If you let anger guide you, it will only lead to more suffering."

Thad closed his eyes, taking in the Bendu's words. He knew he was right. His anger, his desire for revenge—it wouldn't bring Diop back. It wouldn't heal the wounds of the past. It would only create new ones.

"Then what do I do?" Thad asked quietly, his voice tinged with desperation. "How do I find my son without losing myself in the process?"

The Bendu's gaze softened, and he placed a hand on Thad's shoulder. "You must trust in the Force, Thad," he said gently. "And trust in yourself. You have the strength within you to navigate this path, to find your son, and to reunite your family. But you must do so with a clear mind and a steady heart. Let go of your anger, and focus on what truly matters—love, connection, and the bond you share with Diop."

Thad nodded slowly, feeling the weight of the Bendu's words settle over him. He knew the path ahead would not be easy, but he was determined to follow it, not with vengeance, but with love. "I understand," he said finally, a sense of resolve filling his voice. "I'll be pragmatic. I'll be careful. For Diop… for Sara… for my family."

The Bendu smiled, a slow, knowing smile. "The journey of self-discovery and healing is rarely easy, but it is always worth it. Remember, Thad, the greatest battles are fought within. And you have already taken the first step towards victory."

Thad took a deep breath, his heart still heavy but his mind clearer. He would not let anger consume him. He would find his son. And he would do it the right way.

Scene: A Moment with Family

After the session, Thad felt the weight of the Bendu's words. He decided to visit his parents, Xavier and Yvonne Correlius, who were staying nearby. As he entered their cozy home, the familiar warmth and scent of home greeted him, offering a brief comfort.

Xavier noticed the strain on his son's face and gestured for him to sit down. "Rough day?" he asked, his voice filled with concern.

Thad nodded, sinking into a chair. "It's just… hard. The therapy, facing everything... Sometimes, I feel like I'm not strong enough to get through it."

Yvonne placed a comforting hand on Thad's shoulder while Xavier leaned forward, his expression serious yet encouraging. "Thad, you need to remember something important," Xavier began. "Those padawans who disrespected you had no idea of your true strength. They saw only what they wanted to see, not the reality of who you are."

Thad looked up, meeting his father's eyes. Xavier continued, his voice steady. "There were only two people in the entire Jedi Order who survived a violent encounter with Darth Vader: you and Luke Skywalker. Think about that next time you walk into that simulator. The fact that you endured such an experience as a child and have come this far speaks volumes about your resilience. You were the youngest person in the galaxy to ever survive Vader. If that isn't tough, I don't know what is."

Yvonne nodded in agreement. "Your father is right, Thad. You've faced challenges that would have broken many others. The therapy may be tough, but it's just another obstacle you've proven you can overcome."

Thad felt a surge of emotion at his parents' words. He had often overlooked his own resilience, focusing instead on his perceived failures. Xavier's reminder was a powerful affirmation of his inner strength, something he needed to hear as he continued his journey of healing.

"Thanks, Dad. Mom," Thad said, his voice thick with emotion. "I guess I just needed to be reminded of that."

Xavier smiled warmly. "Anytime, son. Just remember, you're not alone in this. We're here, and we'll always believe in you."

Scene: Back in the Simulation Chamber

Bolstered by his parents' words, Thad returned to the simulation chamber the next day, a renewed sense of determination in his heart. He took a deep breath as the holographic padawans appeared once more, their sneering faces ready to taunt him again.

This time, as the taunts began, Thad focused on his father's words. *You survived Vader.* The thought anchored him, a steady rock in the storm of insults.

"You're not even a real Jedi," one of the holograms repeated, but this time, Thad didn't flinch. He took a deep breath, feeling the tension in his chest loosen.

"I'm stronger than you'll ever know," Thad said, his voice steady, cutting through the noise.

The holograms hesitated, their taunts losing their sting. Thad felt a surge of confidence, a feeling of strength he hadn't felt in years. He faced each projection, holding onto the knowledge of his own resilience. He didn't just survive; he stood his ground.

When the simulation ended, Thad remained standing, breathing steadily. He had done it. He had confronted his fears and held his ground.

The Bendu entered the chamber, his presence filled with approval. "Well done, Thad," he said, his voice resonating with pride. "You have made significant progress. You faced your fears, and you stood your ground. You are beginning to see your true strength."

Thad nodded, his heart swelling with a mix of relief and pride. "Thank you," he said quietly. "I felt… different this time. More confident."

The Bendu smiled gently. "Confidence comes from within, from understanding and embracing who you are. You have started to understand that."

Reaching into the folds of his cloak, the Bendu produced a small, glowing blue crystal. It pulsed softly, radiating a calming light. "This is a kyber crystal, Thad," he said, holding it out. "It is yours."

Thad stared at the crystal, his hand hovering over it uncertainly. "I don't know if I'm ready," he admitted. "Building a lightsaber… it feels like going back to something I failed at."

The Bendu shook his head. "This lightsaber is not about meeting any external standard or proving yourself to others. It is a tool for your growth—emotionally, psychologically, spiritually. You will train as a Jedi not to satisfy others but to find peace within yourself. You won't need another droid like LX-9 because here, there is no one to judge you. You are doing this for you, Thad. For your own journey of healing."

Thad took a deep breath and reached for the crystal, feeling its warmth. "Alright," he said, a new determination in his voice. "I'll do it. For me."

The Bendu nodded approvingly. "Good. Begin your training. Construct your lightsaber. Let it be a symbol of your journey, not just of who you were, but of who you are becoming. Remember, this path is yours alone, and it requires no validation but your own."

Thad moved to a workbench on the side of the chamber, carefully setting down the crystal. As he began to assemble the lightsaber, he felt a calm settle over him. This wasn't about proving anything to anyone—it was about finding his own way. Each piece clicked into place, the crystal pulsing in time with his heartbeat, a steady rhythm that grounded him.

When the saber was complete, Thad held it in his hands, feeling its weight. He took a deep breath and ignited it. A brilliant blue blade sprang to life, its glow filling the chamber with light. Thad stared at the blade, mesmerized by its clarity. For the first time, it didn't feel like a burden or a reminder of his past failures. It felt like a part of him, an extension of his will.

The Bendu watched with satisfaction, his eyes twinkling with approval. "You see, Thad," he said softly, "this is not about becoming what others expect you to be. It is about embracing who you are. Your strength, your resilience, your journey."

Thad extinguished the blade and looked up at the Bendu. "Thank you," he said, his voice filled with gratitude. "I won't let you down."

The Bendu smiled. "You never could, Thad. Remember, the greatest battle is not with the enemy, but within yourself. And today, you have proven that you are more than capable of winning that battle."

Thad left the chamber, the blue saber humming softly at his side. He stepped out into the golden fields of Lothal, the sun dipping below the horizon, casting long shadows across the land. For the first time in a long while, he felt a sense of peace. He knew the road ahead would be filled with challenges, but now he was ready to face them. Not as a padawan trying to meet someone else's standards, but as Thad Correlius—a man on his own path, guided by his own light.

The Bendu watched from a distance, a satisfied smile playing at the corners of his mouth. Thad was beginning to understand the true nature of strength and resilience. And the Bendu had no doubt that this was only the beginning of a remarkable journey.

"May the Force be with you, Thad Correlius," he murmured to himself. "Always."

And with that, Thad turned back to the horizon, the future wide open before him—a future he was ready to face, not as a Jedi or a warrior, but as himself.

The following day, Thad resumed his Jedi training with the Bendu. The atmosphere was calm, the field stretching out beneath the bright sky. Here, under the Bendu's guidance, the focus was not on mastery of the Force or combat prowess but on understanding and healing.

"Remember, Thad," the Bendu said, his deep voice resonating in the stillness, "This training is for you and you alone. It's not about meeting anyone's expectations or proving your worth. It's about discovering your path, your connection to the Force, and embracing who you truly are."

Thad ignited his newly constructed blue lightsaber, its hum a comforting sound in the quiet field. He began his practice with slow, deliberate movements, feeling the blade as an extension of himself. Without the pressure of judgment or expectation, he found he could move more freely, more confidently. Each swing, each step was a dance, guided by the Force and his own instincts.

In this judgment-free environment, Thad started to rebuild his confidence. He felt the absence of fear—fear of failure, fear of not measuring up—and replaced it with curiosity. He allowed himself to make mistakes, to learn from them, and to grow. Each misstep was not a failure but an opportunity to learn and refine his understanding.

As he trained, Thad began to develop self-compassion. He realized that his past mistakes did not define him. They were simply part of his journey, steps on the path to becoming who he was meant to be. He could forgive himself for those mistakes, understanding that they were part of his growth.

Reducing Performance Anxiety

The lack of judgment from the Bendu was liberating. Thad no longer felt the crushing weight of expectation that had haunted him during his time in the Jedi Order. Here, he was free to focus on his own progress without the constant fear of failure. The Bendu's presence was calming, a reminder that Thad's worth was not tied to his ability to perform but to his willingness to learn and grow.

During one training session, Thad paused, feeling a familiar anxiety start to bubble up. He took a deep breath, recalling the Bendu's words about facing his fears. "It's okay to feel this way," he told himself. "I'm here to learn, not to prove anything."

As he exhaled, the anxiety began to fade, replaced by a sense of calm. Thad realized that he could control his reaction to these feelings. He didn't need to be perfect. He just needed to be present, to try, and to learn.

This approach encouraged a growth mindset, allowing Thad to see each challenge not as a test of his worth but as an opportunity for development. Every time he faced a difficult maneuver or struggled with a technique, he reminded himself that it was all part of his journey.

Encouraging Authentic Self-Expression

The freedom to explore his connection to the Force without judgment encouraged Thad to express his true self. He began experimenting with different aspects of his Jedi training, trying new techniques, and discovering what resonated most with him. He found joy in this exploration, a sense of liberation in not having to conform to anyone else's expectations.

He tried new forms of lightsaber combat, blending techniques he had learned with his own improvisations. He practiced Force techniques that felt natural to him, focusing on his intuition and inner guidance. This experimentation helped him build a more authentic connection to his abilities and potential, allowing him to explore what it truly meant to be a Jedi on his own terms.

One afternoon, the Bendu introduced a new exercise. "Today, we focus on meditation," he said, guiding Thad to sit cross-legged on the soft grass. "Clear your mind, and let the Force flow through you. Feel its presence, not as an external force but as a part of you."

Thad closed his eyes, letting his breathing slow. He felt the Force within him, a gentle current that flowed through his body and mind. For the first time, he didn't feel the need to control it. Instead, he let it guide him, feeling its warmth and strength. It was a part of him, as natural as his own heartbeat.

Promoting Emotional and Psychological Healing

As Thad continued his training, he began to confront and process his traumas in this safe space. The Bendu's guidance was gentle but firm, helping him face the emotional wounds that had festered for years. Through Jedi training and therapeutic practices, Thad worked on emotional regulation, mindfulness, and self-awareness.

During one session, the Bendu asked Thad to reflect on his experiences with Sara. "You carry much pain from your past," the Bendu observed. "But remember, pain is not a burden to bear alone. It is a teacher, guiding you to deeper understanding and growth."

Thad nodded, his eyes closed, tears slipping down his cheeks. He allowed himself to feel the pain, to acknowledge the loss and the love he still felt for Sara. He didn't push it away or bury it. He faced it, understanding that it was part of his healing.

Over time, Thad began to notice changes in himself. He was more aware of his emotions, more in control of his reactions. He felt a sense of peace that he hadn't felt in years—a quiet strength that came from within.

Reinforcing Inner Strength and Resilience

Training without judgment also reinforced Thad's inner strength and resilience. As he learned to rely on his own judgment and internal validation, he became less dependent on external approval. This shift was crucial for his development as a Sentinel, a role that required independence and a strong sense of self.

One day, after a particularly challenging training session, the Bendu approached Thad. "You have come far," he said. "But remember, strength is not only in the body or the mind. It is in the spirit. It is in your ability to stand firm in who you are, no matter the challenge."

Thad nodded, understanding the Bendu's words. He felt a new sense of resilience growing within him. He was not the same man who had first come to Lothal, burdened by fear and doubt. He was stronger now, more confident in his own path.

Simulated Conflict Resolution Scenarios

The Bendu also introduced simulated scenarios that placed Thad in complex social situations requiring negotiation, diplomacy, or conflict resolution. In one simulation, Thad found himself mediating a dispute between two factions over a vital resource. Each side was adamant, convinced of their right to the resource, tensions high.

Thad listened carefully, acknowledging each side's concerns. He used the empathy and communication skills he had been developing, finding a compromise that allowed both factions to benefit. "There is always a way forward that doesn't involve conflict," he said, his voice calm and steady.

These exercises helped Thad develop skills in communication, empathy, and understanding, preparing him for his future role as a mentor and leader. He learned to manage his emotions and responses, building his confidence in handling real-world interpersonal challenges.

Role-Playing Exercises with Empathy and Perspective-Taking

The Bendu introduced role-playing exercises that encouraged Thad to view situations from multiple perspectives. In one exercise, Thad had to play the role of a merchant trying to understand the grievances of a customer who felt wronged.

At first, Thad found the exercise challenging. He had to put aside his own biases and judgments, to truly understand the other person's perspective. But as he continued, he found himself growing more empathetic, more understanding of others' motivations and emotions.

These exercises were invaluable in helping Thad move beyond his past biases and fears. They allowed him to confront his own preconceptions and grow as a compassionate and understanding individual.

Exposure to Positive Social Support

The Bendu also facilitated interactions between Thad and supportive peers who had faced similar challenges. Through these interactions, Thad found a sense of community and belonging. He realized he was not alone in his struggles, that others had faced similar obstacles and overcome them.

Engaging with others who had triumphed over similar challenges offered Thad encouragement and hope. It provided positive role models for resilience and growth, reinforcing his belief in his own strength.

Mindfulness and Meditation Sessions

Guided mindfulness and meditation sessions helped Thad develop greater self-awareness and emotional regulation. These practices allowed him to observe his thoughts and feelings without judgment, fostering a sense of calm and balance that supported his overall growth.

The Bendu introduced specific meditation techniques focused on releasing attachment to the past and future. "Stay present," the Bendu advised, "Focus on your breath, on the here and now. The past is gone, the future is unwritten. Only the present is within your control."

Thad found these sessions incredibly grounding. He learned to stay present, to focus on his journey of self-discovery without being weighed down by the past or the unknown future.

Reintegration Simulations

Finally, the Bendu designed simulations where Thad practiced reintegrating with others after periods of isolation or intense training. These simulations helped Thad practice re-entering social situations with confidence, applying his newly developed skills in empathy, communication, and conflict resolution.

Through these exposures, Thad learned to trust others again, building healthier relationships and fostering a supportive network as he continued his path forward.

Conclusion: Embracing the Path Ahead

Thad stood on the edge of the golden fields of Lothal, the sun setting behind him, casting a warm glow over the landscape. For the first time in a long while, he felt a sense of peace. He knew the road ahead would be filled with challenges, but he was ready to face them—not as a man burdened by the expectations of others, but as Thad Correlius, a man on his own journey, guided by his own inner light.

The Bendu watched him from a distance, a satisfied smile playing at the corners of his mouth. "You are beginning to understand the true nature of strength and resilience, Thad Correlius," he murmured. "And this is only the beginning."

Thad took a deep breath, feeling the Force within him, steady and strong. He turned to face the horizon, the future wide open before him—a future he was ready to embrace, not as a Jedi defined by others, but as himself, a man who had found his own way.