The winter snow was falling non-stop, her red hair was flowing on the purity of the white sheet she slept on alone for another 3 nights straight. There was no one to cuddle her in the cold morning as they used to. Little giggles around the room as he ticked her side, sweet morning scent in the air as they kissed with delight. None…none of those little moments was included in their morning routine anymore. And she missed it. She missed him. She couldn't deny that sometimes she hated her husband for standing her up from all of the dates they planned on spending together. Addison was already 10 seconds away from slipping to be a Montgomery again. She thought that if her husband will not go back to the old him, she'll ask their dear friend for a draft.
But something had changed the wind that day. Derek came home with a wide smile on his face. His eyes were twinkling like the summer stars. Addison looked at him with curiosity burning inside her head. She sat up and pulled the covers up to her shoulders. "I missed you, Addie." Derek sat down beside her and gave her a little blue box. "I saw it on my way home earlier and I couldn't resist buying it. It's beautiful just like you." Derek excitedly asked Addison to open his "Early Christmas gift." So she opened the box, revealing a silver chain bracelet with her name initial dangling. She smiled, pulling Derek into a kiss. "It's beautiful. Thank you, Derek."
"I know you'll like it."
"I love it." They stared at each other's eyes, one pair was screaming I love you and the other was crying I'm sorry. "Well, I should get up." Addison caressed Derek's face. "I'm going to cook breakfast while you take a shower. You smell like a 72-hr shift." She giggled, pulling away from her husband, but he didn't let her go. "Oh no you didn't!" Derek started tickling her sides until Addison was already gasping for air, pleading for her dear life. "Derek…honey…stop." in between those little happy yelps. He finally stopped but he was still hovering over her, staring down at her beauty. "You glow every morning, Addison."
Too bad, you're not here every morning. Addison wanted to say it, but she chose to zip her mouth.
A wide grin spread on Derek's face. "Wanna shower with me?"
"We're saving water now?"
He nodded, pulling Addison up. "Come on." He started removing his shirt and tossing it on the floor. The wife sighed as she was going to be the one to pick those up and put them in the laundry basket again. "Let's save water and after that, let's feed the ducks at Central Park."
"You'll buy me breakfast outside too?"
"I'll buy you breakfast anywhere you want."
"Okay. Breakfast at Gramercy?"
"As long as you…" Derek once again walked near the bed to pull Addison up her feet. "Are going to spend a couple of your minutes with me under that hot shower." Then scooped her up, carrying her into their huge bathroom.
xxx
"Addison!" It was Savannah, her blonde best friend. "It's nice to see you out of that Brownstone." Hugged the redhead so tight as if they never had dinner together the other night. "Well…" Before she answered Savannah completely, Derek showed up with 2 cups of hot chocolate. "Savvy, hi." She almost didn't want to acknowledge the presence of the husband, but for her love of Addison, she just eyed him from head to toe. She knew what was going on with the Shepherds and she wanted to punch Derek on the face for making Addison cry. She had received countless crying calls from her. "I'm gonna go pick up some files for Weiss. See you tonight, Addie." They hugged once again.
"What's tonight?"
"Sav's birthday." Derek almost choked when he heard that. "I completely forgot. We should buy her a gift."
"Don't worry about it." Addison sighed as they were walking on the bench by the pond to feed the ducks. "Remember when I asked you to come with me to buy her a gift last Sunday?" He didn't answer because "I couldn't remember."
"Well, you sent Mark over instead." Again. She almost said it out loud. "And we both looked. So it's settled." Addison took a long sip of her hot chocolate, it was no longer that hot anyway. Her sight darted to Derek who was just looking at his feet. "Hey, it's okay. Mark told me that you had a craniotomy so…" She put both of her hands on Derek's face. "It's okay, Derek. Come on, let's feed the ducks. They're already gathered here."
"Addison, I am so sorry."
I've heard that so many times before.
"You can make it up to me by attending Sav's birthday tonight. Weiss is also expecting you."
"Okay. I promise."
"You promise?" There was a hint of doubt in that question. A doubt that could become a reality by a single ring of a pager. It was Derek's turn to warm Addison's cheeks with his soft palms. "Honey, I promise." That almost sounded like "To love and to cherish." He pulled her face closer to his until the snowflakes melted in between their lips. They only pulled away from each other, laughing when one of the ducks led the quack. "Looks like they don't want to watch."
"Oh honey, wait until we have our own ducklings."
xxx
December 23, 2005
I once again received a message today from Mark that Derek is going to stay at the hospital. It's Christmas! Our season. And he chose to stay at the hospital to be a brain hero. In fact, he can pass it on to his top resident who is actually more than willing to do the job.
We planned on stopping by at Connecticut before going straight to the Shepherds, and now this? I don't want to go alone and make another excuse on why my husband is not with me. I'd rather stay in this room, watch a Christmas movie and drink myself to sleep. It's what loners do right? Or it's what the ignored wives do. I was about to clean all the mess off my body when my phone lit up, showing Mark's name.
"Hey Red, what do you want for dinner?"
Shouldn't my husband ask me that?
"I already ate Mark." Of course I lied. I just don't want him to come over and pretend that everything is okay. Act like he's Derek because he's not. He will never be. "Besides, I'm going to sleep already."
"But Derek said to check–"
I cut him off, "Derek said this, Derek said that." It's tiring and annoying. Derek should be the one doing all of these things. "Just…it's not your job to worry about me Mark. Have a goodnight."
Sometimes I think I should change the locks of this once we called "home." Derek wouldn't mind for sure. He'll just find all of his things in one of the on-call rooms of Mt. Sinai since he'd rather live in a hospital than be here with me. I am already waving my white flag. "Honey I'm home" actually became a…
xxx
Addison turned off her phone, she could no longer respond with all the messages and calls from the Shepherd sisters. She just hoped that they should bother their brother instead of her.
"Here's a hot chocolate for you. You okay?"
"Mhm. Thanks." Addison and Mark were sitting by the fireplace, watching the fire cracks to create sparks. Inside that Brownstone, there was no Christmas decoration. They never even bought a tree this year. It was just an ordinary day at the Montgomery-Shepherd home. "Can you bring all of the gifts to the Shepherds? Tell them Merry Christmas for me too."
"Come on, that's not fair. Since you and Derek started dating, we have been celebrating Christmas together at Mom's."
"Mark, please. You know this year has already changed. I can't go there pretending that everything is going well between me and Derek."
"Have you talked to him yet?"
Addison fell silent…
xxx
Addison knocked on Derek's home office door. "Derek, can I talk to you?" He was focusing on his computer screen, totally blocking out every distraction on his way. "Derek."
"What?" He finally faced his wife. "Did you say something?" But immediately focused on his computer screen again. "Can we talk, Derek? We haven't actually talked for too long now." Addison just received a nod as a response. That made her blood boil, but as Montgomery, she managed to control her emotions before it got the best of her. So she composed herself and walked towards where Derek was sitting.. But before she opened her mouth to speak, Derek raced her to it. "I'm busy, Addison. Not now."
"Not now? When then Derek?" A little bit of voice raised there. "You are barely home. Do you still remember me?" Derek never looked at her but shook his head to once again tell her "not now". "You are married to me, Derek, not to the hospital. At least acknowledge that I'm here." There was a pain in her voice that he recognized. "I am married to you, not to Mark." And that hit Derek on the guts. "I need you Derek, not him."
"Addison you're drunk."
"I am not drunk! I'm vulnerable, my heart is open. I am hurt, I am practically begging for you to love me again. I am everything but drunk!"
"I'm sorry Addison, but really now is not a good time."
Attempt failed successfully.
xxx
"I'm sorry, Addie."
"Can everybody stop telling me that?"
"Fine. So what's your plan for tonight?" Mark took the empty cup from Addison's hand and set it on the floor. "Nothing, since Derek will be spending Christmas at the hospital. I'd probably drink all the hot chocolates I have or all of the bottles of wine. Listen to Christmas songs alone or just watch those sappy Christmas movies until the sun rises."
"If you want to, I'll stay here with you and we'll do everything you just said." Addison was so grateful that Mark was still understanding and such a shoulder to cry on. "You know Addison, I don't understand why Derek…"
"Let's not talk about Derek, okay?" Hearing his name is already too painful for me. "And you should not stay here with me. At least one of us should show up tonight." She pulled the blanket over her shoulders to protect her body against the cold. However, Derek was colder against her. "Well then Addison, before I go I want to give you this…" Mark gave Addison a red box with green ribbon. Really Christmas-y. "Open it!" He was clapping like a little kid. Addison giggled and just rolled her eyes as the gift wrapper flew all over the floor. "Really, Mark?!" It was a pair of sleepers with the letters AD. "What? I also got Derek a blue pair so you guys can wear it in the hospital too."
"That's so thoughtful of you."
"You can't blame me. I still believe that you two can work things out. You're Addison and Derek afterall." We're not sure about that anymore now, are we? Addison hugged him so tight. "Thank you, Mark."
"And for the record, I'm team Addison. Because lately, Derek has been an asshole." He squeezed Addison's face like a little kid. "I gotta go now. See you when I see you."
After Mark left, Addison went back on the couch, playing with the bracelet Derek had given her. "Early Christmas gift." She was hopelessly anticipating that somehow, in the middle of his busy schedule, he will dial her number and call her to greet her a merry Christmas. But it was already past 12mn and her phone did not ring. "Oh Derek, this year I will be celebrating Christmas without you."