Chapter 7

A/N: There's so much more for them to talk about…

Then, much to Lucas's surprise, Elizabeth opened up about Jack. It was difficult to hear her rhapsodize about a man he never knew, a man she loved enough to marry and to have a child with. But Lucas found that he wasn't jealous so much as fascinated to know what kind of man had completely captured her heart.

"When Jack and I first met," she began, as the rain continued to fall outside the car, "it was hate at first sight—for both of us." She smiled at this, remembering. "He didn't want to be posted in Hope Valley, and blamed my father for that—it's a long story—and I fed off his resentment. We just generally rubbed each other the wrong way. Looking back now, I realized it was just intense attraction, and neither of us really knew how to deal with that."

She glanced over at him, seeking reassurance that it was okay to continue. He nodded, and she went on.

"Over time, I think we won each other over. He began to respect what I was trying to do as a teacher, and I saw his heroism, his respect for people, his commitment to being honorable and doing his duty. But there were still things we had to work out. Jack didn't come from money, and I did. When he met my family, they made him feel like he wasn't good enough for me, and he thought that because there were things I still loved about my old way of life in Hamilton, that I was kidding myself that I could ever be happy with a humble frontier Mountie. He was so very wrong." She blinked away tears, and for a moment, Lucas regretted encouraging the topic, but she cleared her throat and went on.

"But Jack was so above all my shallow old friends that I never regretted my choice to be with him. He was always doing sweet things for me, like candlelit dinners, picnics, a surprise formal ball for two. When my first book wasn't accepted, he published a single volume at his own expense, with a fine leather cover and illustrations that he drew himself. He built the school for me with his own two hands, with award money he'd earned for a heroic deed of his. He saved up and bought a piece of land outside of town. He was going to build us a house there after we married. There are just too many things I could share about his kindness, his strength, his love for the community. His love for me…"

She'd been staring straight ahead as she relived what her life had been, seemingly lost in time. But then she turned to him.

"One of my biggest regrets was how much time I spent on fear. For while Jack felt some insecurity about meeting my expectations, I was always afraid he would be hurt in his dangerous job. I resented the times we were separated because of it. I would get angry when he ran toward danger and not away. His duty got in the way of our happiness, and it was his duty that took him away from me forever. When I—when I lost him, I dealt with the anger of it just as much as the grief. I came to realize though, that if Jack hadn't been a Mountie, hadn't been so honorable, he wouldn't have been the man I loved so much."

"And he wouldn't have respected himself if he hadn't done what he was called to do," said Lucas, understanding and admiring this great man he had never known. He was reminded of lines from an old poem, and he quoted them aloud:

"I could not love thee dear so much,

Lov'd I not Honour more."*

"Yes," she said. "Jack would have wholeheartedly agreed with Lovelace's sentiment. Since Nathan passed, I've been doing some soul searching, trying to understand my own feelings and actions of recent years. Jack's journal has helped me do that. I would like to share some of my conclusions, if you are interested, if they wouldn't be too hurtful for you to hear."

"As I've said, despite the pain, I really do want to know. Besides, what else is there to do at the moment?" He glanced toward the windshield, the glass now fogged up by the rain, by the intimacy of their shared breath inside the car.

"All right then," she said, "if you insist." She hesitated then, uncertain.

What she was working herself up to say seemed even more difficult than discussing her husband, and Lucas mentally braced himself to hear what she had to say.

"When I met you, Lucas, I thought you were so much different than Jack. Jack was never a businessman, never gave a thought to money unless he needed it to help someone. Please, don't misunderstand—I respect what you do; you've used your money to help so many in the town, and my father is also a businessman after all. But in actuality, you are more like Jack than I ever realized. It's in the way you relate to people—both so generous, so kind, so thoughtful about the needs of others. Even your manner of speaking is similar. You have a gentle, comforting, easygoing way about you that draws people in. It comes from an innate confidence, from knowing who you are, from being a natural diplomat. You can be stern when you need to, and I've seen both of you angry—trust me, it's very intimidating. But it is extremely rare, and usually quick to fade."

He was touched by her positive characterization, but also a bit troubled that she saw so much of her late husband in him.

"You instinctively seemed to know just what I needed…just like Jack."

She took a deep breath. "And therein lies the conundrum. Like I said, I didn't make all these connections in my mind until recently. You see, those times I asked you to reign things in on your grand gestures, I must have unconsciously pushed away how Jack had been a fan of those himself. Oh, he didn't have the money to do expensive things like balloon rides or trips to see Virginia Woolf, and we dined on Abigail's home cooking rather than fine champagne and Gustave's gourmet dishes. And his engagement ring was a small precious stone rather than a large diamond. But I have no doubt he would have done all that and more for me, if he could have."

"Then…why?" he dared to ask. "You said I was meant for something more, just as Jack had apparently once told you. Just like he didn't believe you at first, you didn't believe me, even after all the times and the ways that I told you that Hope Valley and you—you were my home."

"I know," she said, crying now. "You're right. But I'm trying to tell you, Lucas, it was fear that guided me. I'd lost Jack to his job, to his duty, to his honor. He left me here to pursue that, and while I resisted it at first, I came to understand that this was an integral part of him. That's why I didn't dissuade you from becoming governor. I believed you would resent me if I tried to hold you back, if I denied you the honorable thing of helping Hope Vally. And look what happened—you got shot the moment you became governor! My fears were realized, even more than I had dreaded they would be."

"But I would have taken you with me, Elizabeth. And this would only have been temporary—Good Lord, I barely lasted a year! This must show you now how committed I was to my dream of a permanent home, even if you weren't going to be a part of my life. Capital City and the power and the grand stage—none of that was what I wanted."

"I know that now, Lucas," she admitted. "I know it and I regret it, but I was afraid."

He was shaking now, so many emotions swirling within him that he couldn't settle on one to let himself feel it.

"But what about Nathan?" he asked.

"Nathan…I don't know what to say, other than I was able to admit to him that fear had discounted him as well, for obvious reasons. He was a Mountie, like Jack, in the same dangerous job. I'd had feelings for him, you knew I had. You even let me go so I could figure it out, but I chose you because you actually shared with me, let me know in every way how much you cared about me and little Jack. I didn't have to guess at what you were thinking, didn't have to wonder what you wanted from me, for us. But mostly, I chose you because I fell in love with you, because you made me feel special and valued and yes, safe. Until I started to doubt it all, until fear took over again."

He listened to her speak with a tightness in his throat, a tightness in his heart as she continued.

"After you recovered, I was so relieved, and I told myself this was confirmation that once again, my fears had been justified. I mean, my friends had been telling me the same thing—that these doubts about you must be true if I was having them, that it was all more than cold feet. Rosemary, Henry, even Nathan—they all saw me struggling, and while they meant well, they didn't know where these doubts about you were really coming from. The truth, that I realized only recently, was that I was afraid of losing another man I loved."

The idea that people Lucas had considered friends were encouraging her to doubt him hurt him more than he could say, but the news about Nathan's interference had him struggling to control his anger.

"Are you certain Nathan meant well?" he asked softly. "He wasn't just looking for an opening to move back into your life?"

By her surprised expression, this thought had never occurred to her.

"I—I knew he still loved me. He'd hinted as much to me, even when you and I were together, but the idea that he wanted me to doubt you, to doubt myself…?

"Is that so far out of the realm of possibility, Elizabeth? I don't mean to speak ill of the dead, but I think I understand Nathan as a man very well, especially a man who was in love with you. But help me to understand what it was about Nathan that made you forget all you had learned from your past relationships to be with him. I mean no disrespect—Nathan was a good man-and I'm trying my best not to come from a place of sour grapes…but please, help this make sense."

"It doesn't make sense," she said, "I admit I was lonely, was not quite myself after I let you go. My past decisions had hurt two men that I cared about, and I was trying to move on from that, to open myself up to what might still be out there for me."

"But Nathan was still there," he said.

Elizabeth sighed. "I know how this must sound, but I had burned my bridges with you, and you had seemingly gone on with your life. With Nathan, I had a home in Hope Valley with a man who had no aspirations to go to war, no desire to be in the spotlight. It wasn't scary or unpredictable as I'd once feared. He was a man who was good and kind like both you and Jack were, a hero even, and a parent like me who was committed to keeping a home with his daughter. A man to be admired, to be loved. With Nathan, I knew there would be no more surprises, that he would quit the Mounties before he'd even consider leaving Allie or me. It would be a quiet, comfortable life with a man I loved, who loved me."

"You loved him," he stated, feeling heartbroken all over again.

"Yes," she admitted, "but it was…not the same. And once again, I-I misjudged things completely…"

He had stayed for months in Hope Valley after he'd recovered, when he really could have left Henry there as his emissary and taken care of everything by phone from Capital City. But he hadn't been able to bear being away from her, even if he only saw her from afar. The resort had been a good excuse to be where he really wanted to be. He'd paid for that politically, but it didn't matter to him anymore. He'd saved Hope Valley from ruin, and was living in the adopted town that he loved. He was running a successful business and contemplating more ways he could help Hope Valley thrive.

But there was still that missing piece of his heart, still that loneliness that was eating away at what remained.

He had never wanted Elizabeth to see him cry, but now he felt the burning in his eyes and throat. He had been raised to believe it was unmanly, but all of what she'd revealed to him seemed doubly tragic now, doubly senseless and wrongheaded. They could have been married and happy now, were it not for her fears and lack of faith in him, or in their ability to persevere together.

He blinked away the tears, but one escaped, falling from his eye before he could catch it with the back of his hand. His embarrassment was complete when he saw that she'd seen it, and he closed his eyes and leaned heavily against the seat, willing himself to get his emotions back under control.

And then, soft as a whisper, he felt her lips touch his.

"I'm so sorry, Lucas," she breathed against his mouth. "I don't want to be that confused, scared woman anymore, that selfish person who ruined everything, who hurt two wonderful men who loved her."

One of her delicate hands caressed his bearded cheek, and he opened pain-filled eyes to see her closer to him than he'd expected. Her scent clouded his brain, her beauty took away his breath. Her blue eyes were filled with regret and something more—passion perhaps—he no longer had the confidence to call it love.

But, God help him, ill-advised or not, Lucas wanted whatever it was he saw burning in her steady gaze. They still had things to work out between them, still had to find a place of complete forgiveness, but he had missed her so desperately, still loved her beyond reason. Nothing else mattered in that moment than to take what she was offering.

He was not gentle as she had been. Holding nothing back, he devoured her lips, his tongue seeking inside her mouth for the taste of her sweetness. When he felt her warm hand on his bare chest, he gasped against her lips. Suddenly overwhelmed with desire, he further deepened the kiss, moving so he was pressing her back against the seat. Seemingly of their own accord, his hands glided over her body and up to her slim shoulders before settling into her short, silky hair.

He kissed her until he could no longer think, could no longer hear or see, could no longer breathe. All the months of sadness, of loss, of longing poured out of him and into her kisses. He felt dizzy and hot, his hands trembling as he touched her. His pulse beat so loudly in his brain that at first he didn't hear the pounding on the driver's side window.

"Lucas?" came a familiar voice, loud enough to be heard over the rain. The next knock had him abandoning Elizabeth's swollen lips.

"It's Lee," he said, his breath coming in harsh pants. Having had no reply, the man himself pulled open the door.

Elizabeth was just as disoriented by their kisses as Lucas was, and she looked blearily at their friend who was standing in the rain under an umbrella, his face frowning in concern.

"Elizabeth?" he began, looking confused to see them together. He glanced at the fogged-up windows and realization dawned as he put two and two together. His eyes skittered from Elizabeth's dazed expression to Lucas's, eyebrows flying up when he saw Lucas wearing his suit coat without a shirt beneath it. "I uh, thought this was your car, Lucas. Looks like you two are…stuck…"

Lucas finally was able to pull himself together enough to say, "Yes, we were heading to Edmonton to—well, it's a long story. I swerved to miss a fallen branch, and we ended up in the mud."

"Are you two okay?"

"Yes," managed Elizabeth at last. "Lucas tried to push us out and I was steering…he got all muddy…" She trailed off lamely, no doubt realizing exactly how this must appear, and unable to dispute it.

"You wouldn't happen to have a tow rope, would you?" asked Lucas, coming to his senses at last.

"I do."

"That's great," said Lucas, and moved to get out on the other side.

Lee closed the driver's side door and began walking back to his car, but before Lucas shut the passenger's door, he'd briefly caught Elizabeth's wide eyes. He could think of nothing to say in that moment. He certainly wasn't sorry, having no regrets about kissing her (at least, not yet), and by the look on her face, she was just as stunned as he was by what had just transpired between them. He gave her a nod that he hoped conveyed a myriad of feelings that he couldn't express in that moment.

With Elizabeth steering and Lucas monitoring the tow rope hooked to the front of his car, Lee was easily able to pull the stuck car out of the mud and get them back onto the middle of the road again. Muddy up to the knees now, Lucas disconnected the rope, coiling it up before returning it to the back of Lee's car. He went to his friend's window, his grin wide and grateful.

"Thank you, Lee. It was certainly fortuitous that you came along when you did."

"Was it?" Lee asked pointedly, glancing down at Lucas's lack of a shirt.

Lucas flushed. "It wasn't what it looked like…"

"Of course not," Lee said dryly. "But don't worry—it's none of my business—or anyone else's."

"I appreciate that."

"I was driving back from Union City, and I'd almost stopped in Buxton to wait out the storm, but I was anxious to get back to Rosemary and Goldie, so I pushed on through. I might have missed you."

"So glad you didn't. Have you heard about the train accident east of Edmonton? Elizabeth's sister's delayed up in Edmonton indefinitely, and Gustave is waiting for a crate of salmon, so Elizabeth and I decided to go together. Well, mostly she did."

"I have a wife that tends to make decisions for us," he said, but his eyes twinkled with love whenever he spoke of her. Lucas felt a jab of envy.

"You're a lucky man, Lee."

Lee glanced back at Lucas's car where Elizabeth was waiting for him.

"It will happen for you one day, Lucas, you'll see."

"It did, once upon a time."

Lee nodded in understanding, but didn't push the issue. He glanced up at the sky. "Well, looks like the rain is finally slowing down. Maybe I can make it home before dark. You two be careful."

"We will. And I can't thank you enough." Then, eyeing Lee's loud plaid suit, Lucas had a thought. "Say, how much do you want for that shirt?"

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

As Lee went on his way, Lucas slid into the driver's side of his own car, holding his precious bundle of tailored cotton protectively under his suitcoat. Elizabeth had moved to the passenger's side again, and she obviously wasn't expecting Lucas to return smiling, not after all that had happened between them.

"What's that?" she asked curiously.

Safely inside the dry car, he produced Lee's white dress shirt. Elizabeth couldn't help but grin. "Good old Lee, literally giving you the shirt off his back. But uh, won't it be a little too short in the sleeves?"

"And in the torso, but I think I can cover that with my vest and roll up the sleeves…" Slicking back his wet hair for the millionth time, he sighed, feeling the renewed tension as her eyes rested on his chest. For something to do with his nervous hands, he draped Lee's dry shirt carefully between them on the back of the seat. Like some sort of symbolic bundling board, he thought wryly.

"I could catch up with Lee and you could go back home with him," he suggested, although he was unsure whether that was what he really wanted. "Then I could get Julie for you."

She bravely met his eyes. "No," she said. "I think we have even more to talk about now, don't you?"

A/N: I know some of you have expressed the desire for Lucas to find someone else, but I clearly marked this as a LucaBeth story, and that is what it is, so if this isn't your cup of tea, you might want to get out now. I realize that Elizabeth has a lot to make up for, but I blame the writers for this, and not her true character. This story is meant to get things back where they belong, for Elizabeth to find the redemption that so many other characters on the show have found (some of whom have done much worse). I want to forgive her, and I want her to become worthy of Lucas's forgiveness. We still have a ways to go, but hey, kisses happen. I hope you'll stay with me.

*from "To Lucasta, Going to the Wars," by Richard Lovelace