Over an hour into their now-habitual weekend meet-up at the gym, Valen hadn't said much at all. In fact, he seemed out of sorts. Not as chipper and chatty as usual.
I'm not gonna ask, Koko said to herself. If he says something, then fine. If not, then whatever. We're here to train, not talk.
As if he could hear her thoughts, Valen finally said something. Something unexpected.
"Today's my birthday."
"Oh. I didn't know."
"I know. You had no way of knowing." He let out a deep sigh and put a little too much force into the move he was doing. The ground under them shook, causing the hum in the room to expand for a few seconds. "Oops. Anyway, it doesn't bother me that you didn't know. Bothers me a little that no one else remembered. Even Nik hasn't called or anything."
Unsure of what he was looking for from her, she tried to lighten the mood—in her own special way. "I forgot my own birthday the first year I was here."
"Really?"
She paused for a minute to recall and recount the memory:
Koko had barely made it through the front door when Nani proudly presented her with a cupcake on a tiny plate. It was decorated with red frosting and, in the very center, a thin candle glowed with a soft flame.
The past pulled at her. This meant something, she was sure. Just...couldn't quite grasp it.
"What is this?" Koko asked. But when she looked up, Nani's smile was spoiled by two streams of tears. "Why are you crying?"
"I always cry on your birthday."
Koko pulled herself back to the present with a pensive frown. "In hindsight, maybe that story is more depressing than I remembered."
"Yep, you win."
"I wasn't trying to win." I was trying to say something lighthearted and failed miserably. "Back then, I was really terrible at understanding why people were upset, and what to do about it. So I forced myself to eat every cupcake in one sitting. The logic made sense to me at the time."
Valen burst out laughing. "That story started out rough but you stuck the landing. Nani was right. I think your sense of humor is actually enhanced by the deadpan delivery."
Content that she'd lifted his spirits, Koko moved on to solving the next problem. She was much better at it these days. "I'm sure she'd cook you dinner if you reminded her it's your birthday."
"Oh– I couldn't do that. Feels wrong. I'm not going to beg people to acknowledge it. That would be humiliating."
"But is the gym really where you want to spend your day?"
Valen stopped what he was doing and gave her a curious look.
"What?" she asked.
"It's just that– Well, I feel like this is pretty much your favorite place. This is where you'd spend your birthday, given the chance. So it strikes me as odd that you'd ask me that."
"Well, you're not me," Koko said with a shrug. I'm not you, and I'm not Oh-One. I'm me. Koko.
Valen found himself touched by her small but meaningful show of empathy. Had it been hard for her to achieve that after years of being a blue sage?
"I guess, if I could do whatever I wanted today, it would be to take Zenya outside—out to the surface—so she could bend without restraint. And I'd like to do the same. I haven't practiced lavabending in a while, and I miss the sky. And then I'd like to have a nice, low-key dinner with my friends and family."
"So why don't you do those things? They sound pretty easy to manage."
"I don't think they'd let Zenya on the train, and I'm not going to go without her. As for dinner…" He rubbed the back of his neck and grimaced. "I don't feel confident cooking for a bunch of people. Or hosting everyone in my tiny apartment. And I'm not going to invite myself over to anyone else's."
"Well, I can take you and Zenya topside. They wouldn't say no to me."
"Really?" Valen said, torn between his trust in her word and a reluctance to get his hopes up. "That– That would be great. If it's not any trouble."
"It's not. I go all the time."
"Should we go now? Zenya should be getting back from her outing with Saph soon."
After two brief stops—one to pick up Zenya and another to grab some takeout for later—they arrived at the train station. Valen found that his earlier concern was not unfounded.
"Hey, I remember her!" an attendant said, wide-eyed. "She's the one who ripped everything to shreds! Ain't no way I'm letting her on there!"
"Please–" Valen began, only for Koko to talk over him.
"Let up, Dao. That was an isolated incident. She's been in the city for weeks and hasn't done any more damage."
The man was stout but short, dwarfed by the much taller figures of Koko and Valen, and he seemed keenly aware of it. "You gonna try and intimidate me, huh?" he said in a shaky voice, licking his lips as he glanced between them. "Is that your game?"
"No game. I'm asking. Nicely."
Valen almost laughed. 'Nice' certainly didn't describe her current demeanor. There was a latent aggression about her that he wasn't sure she was fully aware of.
"What's in it for me, eh?" Dao asked.
"Gratitude," she said flatly. Eyes brimming with cold fire bored into him.
"Alright, alright. Geez. Fine. But you're gonna have to sign a waiver saying you're responsible for any damage she causes."
"Fine. Whatever."
"You didn't have to do that," Valen said to Koko once the man had walked away.
She shrugged. "It's not a big deal. She won't do anything. Right?"
"She won't," he said firmly, pleased that Koko had gained some confidence in Zenya's behavior. "I made sure she understood on the way over. She'll behave."
Fortunately, his assurance turned out to be correct. Mostly. Expecting her to be nervous for the new experience, her instant delight threw him. She ran up and down the car, jumping and dancing and laughing—much to the annoyance of the other passengers. But she wasn't bending or hurting anyone, so what did it matter?
When she finally settled down enough to sit, Valen glanced down at the food they'd brought. "We're never gonna eat all of this."
"Try me," Koko said.
"I hope Zenya will eat it. She's pretty picky."
"Well, you got three boxes of plain rice. I think she'll be fine."
"Yeah, I guess you're right."
The short journey was over soon after and they went through the last set of doors into crisp sunlight. Zenya lit up even more, beaming at the clear sky. Valen himself smiled and inhaled deeply. In just a few weeks, he'd forgotten what the outside smelled like. The air was full of life. Leaves decaying into earth. He wanted to take off his shoes and feel the cool dirt between his toes.
Though chilly, the late autumn weather didn't bother him. It was nice, actually. His natural heat radiated outward and mingled with the breeze. Being around Koko always raised his internal temperature a little. A lot. There was no avoiding or denying it. Pure biology.
"Follow me," she said. "I know a place."
A sudden chill crept up his spine. This was far too much like being a teenager and sneaking off to a secluded glade in the mountains around Zaofu.
"I know a place," Kyori had said. "It's my special place where I go to get away from my family."
Valen shook himself out of the memory. It wasn't the same. Not at all. Zenya was with them and anyway, Koko certainly didn't have anything like that on her mind. And neither should I. I like the way things are between us. Easy. Relaxed. No expectations.
She took them out of the town, through the woods, and up the mountain. Soon, the trees thinned until they reached a wide, flat area that was completely clear. Actually, it looked rather charred.
"I'm gonna take a leap and guess that you like to firebend here," Valen said.
"It's the best place to practice things that are too dangerous for the gym."
"Like combustionbending?"
"And propulsion."
Before he could ask for an explanation about that tantalizing comment, Zenya demanded his attention.
'Bend bend here here here?' When over-excited, she always repeated signs. 'Lavabend?'
'Yes.'
As she ran off to the middle of the clearing, Valen couldn't help but smile with pride. "You've never seen her fully unleash herself, have you? Aside from that awful fight. But I imagine you weren't paying that much attention to her."
"Maybe more than you think. But there was desperation in her bending, then. I'm sure she'll–"
Koko cut off when Zenya whipped up a tornado of earth and stone, which quickly turned into a molten maelstrom.
Valen laughed. "She's showing off. Amazing, isn't she? You know, I didn't even teach her that. She made it up herself. It's like…she taps into something bigger than her. The dirt and rock, the hills and mountains—they're not just features of the land. They're alive. I feel it a little, with seismic sense, but I think it's a thousand times stronger for her. Maybe it's why she can't speak."
"What do you mean?"
"I dunno. It probably sounds stupid. But…I've always thought that maybe the earth is always talking to her. Millions of voices in her head."
Koko gave Valen a curious sideways glance. He was usually so practical and logical. This dreamy side of him was new.
Whatever he saw in her expression made his face fall. "See, I told you it was dumb."
"I didn't say that."
"You didn't have to."
Koko scoffed, irritated. "It'll take longer than a couple months for you to be able to read me that well."
"Well…" he said slowly. "Right now I can tell that I've upset you. Am I right?"
"Anger is easy to see." I'm always a little bit angry. Satisfied with Zenya's current distance, Koko felt secure enough to sit down and dig into a box of noodles. "I didn't think what you said was dumb. I was just surprised to hear you talk so philosophically."
Valen joined her on the ground but didn't eat. His eyes remained fixed on Zenya. "I guess I've been thinking about stuff like that lately."
He paused long enough that Koko shifted her attention from the food to his faint frown. Facial hair made all of his expressions softer, subtler, but his eyes were so emotive.
Being around him was somehow both easier and harder than before. Tolai's suggestion of simply putting up with the discomfort was working…more or less. It didn't go away or lessen, but Koko thought maybe she was getting better at pushing it aside.
"Actually," Valen said suddenly. "I've got a question for you."
She'd just taken a big bite when he looked over and laughed. Why did the sound of that pull at her so much?
"It's not a personal question," he clarified. "You mentioned philosophical things and I'm looking for a fresh perspective."
"Okay…?" she said around a mouthful of noodles.
"Do you think– If there's something, some fact or truth– I mean something intangible– Ugh, Spirits. I don't know how to word this. Bear with me. Um– Okay. Have you ever believed something, wanted desperately for it to be true, but you didn't have any way to find out the truth? Because there's no one to ask. No book to study or test to perform. It's just a thought that no living person could ever know the answer to."
Koko swallowed the mouthful of noodles with some difficulty. Not a personal question? It's like he crawled inside my head and uncovered one of my deepest, darkest thoughts. How could he possibly know?
"That part of the question was rhetorical, by the way," he continued. "My actual question is this: Do you think it matters whether or not the thing is actually true?"
Long ago, Tolai had posed a similar question to her, so she was prepared to answer. "No."
"No? Just like that?"
"I wasn't finished." She paused for a moment to arrange her thoughts. "I used to think it mattered. But it doesn't." I'm never going to know for sure how I lost my memory—whether Amrit did it or I did it to myself. "I'm never going to know because the real truth doesn't exist anywhere." Because the only person who knew is dead. "And if it doesn't exist, then it doesn't matter because it's nothing."
Valen still had his attention on Zenya—who was now running around inspecting small rocks, occasionally putting one in her little satchel—but there was a hint of surprise in his expression. "You're obviously talking about something specific. And I know you'd tell me if you wanted to, so I won't ask. But that's an interesting perspective. I'll give it some thought."
"What's this about?" What do you know?
"Ah, well– Just something that's been on my mind lately. Having to do with Kyori. It's complicated."
"Oh." He doesn't want to talk about it. About her.
Both went quiet after that, though the clearing wasn't silent. Zenya made an outrageous amount of noise, both with her bending and the happy sounds her mouth made. They held no meaning, only pure emotion.
When she finally stopped and came over—quite a while later—it was to eat ravenously. Valen hadn't touched his share yet, but dug in with almost as much enthusiasm once she sat down. "You gonna do any showing off while we're up here?" he asked Koko.
"Maybe in a bit. I'm really full."
"Already?" he joked. "You only ate two entire boxes."
"Slowly. It's been"—She checked her watch—"almost two hours."
The rest of the food was gone within twenty minutes. Zenya curled up on her side and appeared to drift off. What must it be like to feel so safe, even after all she'd been through?
"I think she's got the right idea," Valen said as he reclined with his arms crossed behind his head.
"Don't fall asleep." Koko herself remained upright. Alert. "I didn't come out here to be roped into babysitting."
"I know, and I won't." But the soft sigh he let out hinted at sleepiness. "Kinda wish it was dark. I'd love to see the stars. Real stars. Not the fake ones underground."
Koko looked up. The sunniness from earlier was gone. An overcast sky threatened later rain. "I don't think you'd be able to see them tonight, anyway."
"When Zenya, Saph, and Shylo were kidnapped…" he began softly. "That was the first time in a long, long time that I'd slept outside. I remember looking up at the sky and being disappointed that it was cloudy. No stars. Didn't see any until we found the kids. I stayed up the whole night."
He was right, she realized. The sky hadn't cleared during their search. No rain, but also no sun. Just dull grayness. And then…the fight. The injury. Saph was the Avatar. The stars came out. Koko had been able to just glimpse them through the opening in her stone tent.
"Being underground all the time stifles me," she found herself saying aloud. "This is the longest I've stuck around in a while. Years."
"Do you wish you could leave?"
"Constantly."
A brief pause, and then, "Will you?"
"No. I have responsibilities."
Valen hummed softly. "I like it here. I'm used to living underground. Doesn't bother me."
In the back of her mind, Koko knew there was a chance she would eventually have to take Saph away from Oldtown. If the city was ever breached by their enemies, only a life on the run would keep her safe.
Would Valen come?
Why the fuck am I asking myself that? Who cares? I don't need his help. We make a good team but I don't need him. And he and Zenya are a package deal. Where he goes, she goes. And anyway, his family's here. No reason to leave.
But there was something she couldn't deny, no matter how hard she tried: Valen was good company. Easy to talk to. Easier than Nani and Tolai, who always tried to dig for more and more of her. He'd identified her boundaries and rarely tried to push past them.
"Actually," he said, "there is one thing keeping me from feeling fully settled here: I think my parents are still out there somewhere. I hope they are. Do you think–" He cleared his throat before continuing. "You can say no, but I was just thinking about how you probably know the land better than anyone. If you're up for it, maybe you could help me find them one day…?"
Koko had to close her eyes for a moment and take slow breath. The vulnerable, heartfelt request tugged at something deep inside her. "I've done it before. Used to be that I spent most of my time doing stuff like that." She glanced over at him and offered a moment of eye contact. "I can't leave right now because of Saph, but maybe one day. When she doesn't need me anymore."
His smile made her look away quickly.
"She'll always need you. But who knows, maybe she'll be able to help, too. I'm sure a fully-realized Avatar can do just about anything."
"Almost anything," Koko murmured.
After he'd digested enough to get back up, Valen roused Zenya and enjoyed showing Koko what two lavabenders could do. If she was impressed, she didn't show it, but he wasn't really watching her, anyway. Focus was important for safety. As skilled as Zenya was, she still needed to be reined in at times.
"Well, what did you think?" he asked Koko once he was too exhausted to keep going. Lavabending took so much out of him.
She wiped her red, sweaty face with the overshirt she'd taken off. "Hot."
A flirtatious response nearly made it out of his mouth before he remembered who he was talking to. "Yeah. I'm roasting. Could use a little airbending right now."
She stood up and brushed the dirt off her pants. "Well, I can't help you with that. But I can help myself, in a way. Stay back, or sweating will turn into melting."
Curious about what she meant to do, Valen coaxed Zenya to the edge of the clearing. Koko started off with some basic stretches and simple forms, but soon moved on to much more complicated techniques that displayed her agility and strength.
And then…
With a twisting leap, she was airborne. Flaming jets spewed from her bare feet and clenched fists. Spinning, tumbling, rolling. She never stayed in the air for more than five seconds but always made it count.
His eyes couldn't keep up. She was just a blur. In the last couple of months, he'd seen quite a lot of her skill and knew she was a force to be reckoned with. But this…
Spirits. I never realized how much she holds back to avoid hurting people. Someone like her without restraint… The thought was chilling, despite the furnace-like heat blasting towards him. He didn't want to think about the person she was before becoming Koko.
A glance at Zenya helped lift him out of the sudden dark mood. She was staring with wide eyes, but not afraid. Awed. What did she think of Koko, truly? Most people, she just ignored. Saph and Shylo were special; their shared trauma had bonded them. Koko had caught her interest with the dancing. Was that what she was thinking about now? These acrobatics weren't so different from dance.
"Okay, I admit it," Valen said when Koko was done. "I'm very impressed. If I'd known you could fly , I never would've bragged about being able to win a fight with lavabending."
As if wanting to prove she remembered the awkward conversation, she turned, clenched her fists, drew in a deep breath, and let fly a vicious explosion that blasted a fifteen-foot crater in the center of the clearing.
Zenya's scream pierced through the reverberating echo. She dropped to her knees, hands covering her ears, and started hyperventilating.
"Hey, hey, it's okay," Valen soothed, knowing signs would be just as useless as spoken words. She had her eyes shut tight. All he could do was wrap her up in his arms.
"I'm sorry," Koko said in a tight voice. "It must've reminded her of the fight with the blue sages. I shouldn't have done it without saying something first."
"Yeah. Makes sense." He wasn't mad exactly, but she was right. A little forewarning probably would've helped.
That effectively ended their pleasant outing. The walk back to Oldtown was quiet and somber. Zenya seemed to have recovered—more or less—but was reserved the whole way back. What was she thinking about? Was she scared of Koko? Or simply reliving her trauma? Whatever the case, she was beyond communication at the moment. Totally unresponsive.
Once inside the city, Koko slowed and stopped at a particular intersection. To the right was Nani's house. Straight on, Valen's apartment building.
"Thanks for taking us outside," he said, knowing this was where they parted. "Really. Don't feel bad about what happened. You didn't know."
She grimaced. "I should've. Anyway. What's done is done. I'll see you later."
"Bye," Valen said to her back, because she wasn't waiting around.
Throughout their hike down the mountain and the train ride back into the city, Koko relentlessly pushed away the unpleasant thoughts and emotions brought up by the combustionbending incident. She refused to think about how impulsive actions could hurt people. She refused to think about how much she hated the skill while simultaneously refusing to give it up. And she certainly wasn't thinking about the face of her first innocent victim—a child similar in size to Zenya.
No, she wasn't thinking about any of those things. She was firmly suppressing all of it and instead focusing on the uncomfortable tension between her and Valen. Not even the good kind of tension.
I deserve it. I let myself get too comfortable. Too relaxed. It's better this way. I guess he'll probably distance himself now and I won't have to worry about the other stuff.
It's better that way.
Repressing wasn't difficult…until he stupidly brought it up again before saying goodbye. And so she had to spend the rest of her walk drowning in all those things she didn't want to think about.
Too tired to distract herself with exercise, Koko went back to the house, hoping to at least shut herself away from the world. But Nani had other plans, apparently.
"Where have you been? I've been looking everywhere."
"Why?"
"It's Valen's birthday. We're all having dinner at Wei and Kian's in a few hours."
"Well, that's funny," Koko said in the most sarcastic voice she could muster, "because I just spent the entire day with him and he thinks everyone forgot–"
She snapped her mouth shut when Nani's eyebrows shot up.
"You spent the whole day with him?"
"Not like that." And I don't appreciate the implication. "He wanted to take Zenya outside, but they wouldn't let her on the train, so I took them."
"That was nice of you."
Koko shrugged. "He was upset because no one remembered his birthday. See, this is why surprise parties are terrible. They just make people miserable."
"Calm down. No need to get so defensive, Spirits. It's not a surprise party. Just last minute. I'm the only one who remembered and they were mortified when I asked if he had any plans."
"Oh."
"Why are you in such a foul mood?" Nani asked. "Did you have a bad time with them outside?"
Koko decided she'd had enough and retreated to her bedroom. "I don't wanna talk about it."
"Dinner's at six-thirty," Nani called after her. "If you care."
Zenya finally had something to say once they were home. 'Koko angry.'
'No. Sad.'
'She make–' Lacking the sign to express herself, Zenya mimed a big explosion.
'Practice. You scared?'
'Yes.' Her face crumpled into tears, hand shaking. 'Koko danger.'
His heart heavy with regret, Valen led her to the couch. 'Koko safe. Bending practice. Koko good.'
'Bad people. Face.' She pointed to her forehead. 'Koko same.'
This was no surprise. In fact, he wondered why it hadn't come up sooner. There was a word that would help him explain—a recently learned sign—but he had to search his mind for it.
'Change. Koko change. Good. Fight bad people.'
Zenya frowned at the floor. Her shoulders slumped and she nodded slowly. 'I see here.' She tapped the side of her head. Memory? 'I…'
The next sign was another new one that Valen couldn't quite place. He started sifting through the unorganized pages on the tea table, hoping to find it, but Zenya put her hand on his arm.
'Sleep see.'
"Dream," he mused aloud. "You dream about the fight."
This was the first time she talked about the incident, despite him trying many times to discover her feelings about it. Every time before, she would act like she didn't understand. Or simply ignore him.
'Scary dream?'
'Yes. Very bad.'
He knew, of course. She still crawled into his bed whenever she had nightmares, despite the distance that had formed between them. But always gone by morning. She never explained them. Maybe now she could.
'Draw dreams?'
When he got up to get her sketchbook, he saw something that had gone unnoticed before—a small envelope near the door that looked like it had been put through the mail slot. There was no address, simply his name on the outside. It hadn't come through the post, then.
Inside was a brief note:
Birthday dinner tonight at our place! Six-thirty. Hope you've had a lovely day so far.
Love, Kian and Wei
"They didn't forget," Valen murmured, his chest swelling with warmth.
Three hours later, they were both cleaned up and heading upstairs. Zenya had fallen back into her sullen mood, complaining that she was hungry—they usually ate at six—and that she didn't want to go anywhere. Apparently, she'd collected a lot of new rocks to organize.
But much to her delight, both Saph and Shylo were there when they arrived. She instantly perked up and hurried over to them, which was fine with Valen. He needed a break.
"Wow, everyone's here!" he said happily after they'd all greeted him with hugs and 'Happy birthdays!' "This is amazing. Thank you."
"No trouble at all," Kian said. "We've got to make up for all the missed ones."
Valen couldn't help but notice the one person who wasn't there. Perhaps spending all day with her made her absence seem sharper.
"Koko couldn't make it," Nani said before he could ask. "She's not feeling well, I think."
Is that what Koko told her? Or is Nani lying to smooth things over? "It's alright. I saw her earlier today."
But halfway through dinner, she showed up. Everything about her expression and demeanor was carefully neutral. "Sorry I'm late. I had some stuff to do."
Everyone glanced at each other, probably trying to reconcile that statement with Nani's version of the story. But no one said anything about it. Instead, Koko was greeted warmly and they all quickly made space around the table—right next to Valen, go figure.
Everyone thinks they know best, don't they? Not that he could be too annoyed with them. They'd thrown him a party, after all. He supposed that was just how it was with families. They drive you crazy some days, but you love them anyway.
That wasn't the only thing driving him crazy, unfortunately. The faint fragrance of whatever Koko had used to bathe now overpowered every other sense. He couldn't remember ever being close enough to notice it before, at least not recently. Not since carrying her injured, unconscious body that smelled of nothing but sweat and blood. Now, with the table packed full of too many people, they were nearly shoulder to shoulder.
Did she feel the tension, too? Probably not. As far as he knew, she was immune to annoying things like physical attraction. That childish crush she'd had—for the idealistic young man he used to be—was barely a memory for her, from what she'd said.
And so Valen forced himself not to think about how nice she smelled or the pleasant warmth of her upper arm brushing against his. Instead, he focused on the boisterous conversation. With such a large crowd, there was never a lull.
Later on in the evening, when things had calmed down and all the adults were sitting around drinking and chatting, Valen had a quiet word with Nani in the kitchen.
"Did you have a nice day?" she asked. "Koko said she took you and Zenya up to the surface."
And did Koko tell her what else happened? Or is she fishing for information? "Yeah, it was nice. Zenya really enjoyed the chance to let loose with her bending."
Koko came in then, though she ignored them and went straight to get a refill on her drink. Nani patted Valen's arm and left the room. She had an unmistakable twinkle in her eye that he tried his best not to acknowledge.
When she was gone, Valen cleared his throat softly before Koko could flee. "Thanks for coming tonight. I know you weren't in a great mood earlier. And…I wanted to let you know I'm not mad about what happened. Zenya's feeling a lot better."
Her usual scowl deepened for a second, then relaxed. She nodded but didn't say anything, so Valen continued.
"I have to ask: Did you offer to take us to the surface because you knew they were planning this party? Were you in on it?"
"No. I didn't know until I got back."
"Really? That's weird. Strange that Nani wouldn't have told you sooner."
Something complex was happening on her face. Reluctance, maybe. Uncertainty. She pursed her lips and appeared on the edge of speaking for several seconds before actually saying anything.
"She didn't tell me because it was planned last minute, after she reminded the others that it was your birthday."
His stomach dropped. "Oh. I see… Well, thanks for telling me."
"...Sarcasm?"
"No, no! Not at all. I hate it when people lie and tell me what they think I want to hear. I'd rather know the truth, even if it hurts." He poured himself a fresh glass of punch. "Cheers."
"Happy birthday."