Chapter 71 I don't own Merlin. I know you're going to hate me, but I had to. I'm sorry. I cried, believe me, I cried. Hope you hate it so much you love it, Read, Review, give me some constructive criticism. I love it, and I was re-reading some of my earlier chapters thinking, wow I suck! I mean they ramble on so much. I really am trying to work on that. In real life too, I talk waay too much. Check on my one-shot fic! There's a not so subtle/ sneaky surprise there!
"Cassie. Talk to me, please." Ellie said, looking worriedly at her as she saw her face go blank in the silence of the crowd.
"Who will take up my challenge?" the black knight said, looking challengingly at the prince.
"I, Sir Pellinore, take up the challenge." Ellie heard him say, looking at her husband's furious face as he picked up the gauntlet.
"So be it." the knight said, turning around and walking out of the arena.
"Is he mad?" Caelia asked from Ellie's other side.
"With anger and grief." Ellie answered softly, watching in sorrow as two guards carried Owaine's body away on a stretcher.
"I sh-have to go. Do you mind staying with my daughter?" Ellie asked, looking at Cassie with sad eyes.
"No, of course not. She's probably with my kids right now." she told her softly, watching as the Lady Morgana walked up to Cassie.
"Let's go, darling. My Lady." Sir Bruin said, bowing when Morgana sat down and gently took Cassie's hand. "My deepest condolences, Lady Casiopea. Owaine was as much a brother to me as Pellinore is. He was brave and honorable. Don't forget you're not alone, yeah?" he told her with a gentle kiss on her cheek.
"I'll pop by later, Cass." Caelia said gently, walking away with her husband after he'd finished the official condolence.
"Cassie? Are you- will you speak to me? Please. Forget about what happened between us, just talk to me." Morgana said gently, looking meaningfully at Cassie while she just stared blankly ahead.
"Should I get Gauis?" Gwen asked nervously, handing Morgana the goblet of water after a few minutes of trying to get Cassie to drink.
"I think that's best, she looks really pale." Morgana said, gently shaking Cassie's shoulder.
"What's wrong? Is she hurt?" Gaius asked, looking into Cassie's eyes and taking her pulse. "Her pulse is very quick, but that's expected. She's just in shock, Morgana. She needs time, and we need to give it to her. I know it hurts, but don't pester her. Casiopea's been through a lot and she's come out on the other side." he told them, chastising them gently as he knew they were just worried about her.
"Should we take her inside? Surely it's not healthy to leave her here, just staring where he…"
"She'll come in on her own time, Gwen. Space is what she might need right now. Especially judging from that reaction." he said, looking pointedly at the two before standing up with a grunt. "I have something to do right now, but I'll look in on her when I'm done."
"I don't think we should leave her alone. Gaius is wrong." Morgana said, sitting back and looking worriedly at Gwen.
"I don't know, 'Gana. I think he might be right. We should just leave her alone. For now. I'll come back, check to see if she's still here in half an hour. But we should leave her to grieve, Morgana." Gwen said softly, moving over to the other side of Cassie.
"I'll leave her alone, but I'm staying here." Morgana told her, looking down at the hand she was holding. "Can you bring me my embroidery hoop and some gold thread?"
"Yes, my Lady." Gwen said, curtsying quickly and leaving.
"I'm right here, Cass. You're not alone.'' Morgana said softly, hugging Cassie with one arm.
"It's starting to rain, come on. Let's take Cassie inside." Gwen said while the sun was beginning to set.
"Yeah, you're right." Morgana said, looking up as a few drops of water wet her embroidery. "How are we going to get Cassie inside? She won't budge."
"I'll go get Merlin! He'll know what to do. He always does." Gwen said, taking the embroidery from Morgana and rushing towards the castle.
"Cassie, c'mon. You're going to get sick. You'll get hurt, Cass. Let's go inside." Merlin said, turning her face away from the arena to look at him gently.
"All she does is stare. I don't know how to get her to stop." Morgana said in a worried voice.
"Cassie, if you don't get up and walk inside, I'll have to carry you in. And I'm not that strong, might drop you." Merlin said changing tactics.
"I highly doubt that's going to work, Merlin." Morgana told him with an incredulous look.
"Right, yeah. I'm going to carry you Cassie." Merlin said, taking her hands and pulling her onto her feet, throwing her over his shoulder and walking toward the castle.
"Ahh! Put me down! Merlin!" Cassie yelled, the pain she felt in her lower abdomen from where his bony shoulder was digging in slapping her out of the trance.
"Wouldn't have had to carry you if you had just gotten up." Merlin told her, putting her down and gently holding her shoulders as she swayed.
"Don't touch me!" she cried, slapping his hands away and pushing past Gwen and Morgana to sit back down.
"Cassie, it's going to rain, you have to come in. Please."
"What do you care?" Cassie spat back at them, crossing her arms in front of her and turning back to look out at the arena.
"We're your friends, Cassie." Morgana said softly, sitting down next to her and taking her hand.
"Your actions betray your words. Leave me alone." Cassie told them, harshly pulling her hand out of Morgana's and ignoring them steadfastly.
"No!" Morgana said, hiding the hurt behind angry eyes. "We're not going to leave you alone. You are our friend. And I'm staying right here."
"Do what you want, I couldn't care less." Cassie told them in a low voice, crossing her arms over her torso and looking back out to the arena.
"Cassie, you can't stay here. You'll get sick. Owa-"
"Don't! Do not say his name, Guinevere. None of you ever really were my friend! You drugged me and knocked me unconscious to help a Druid. You stood by and watched it happen. Twice. And still helped the damn monster even after I begged you not to. And you knew exactly how I felt about them, yet you still harboured one in your chambers And expected me to do nothing. With friends like you, who needs enemies? I'd be better off becoming friends with the bloodthirsty Picts." Cassie muttered darkly, standing up too quickly and swaying.
"Cassie?" Gwen asked, quickly steadying her with a gentle hand.
"Let me go!" Cassie yelled. "Leave me alone. I won't say it again."
"I'll check in on you tomorrow morning, when you're feeling… something other than anger." Gwen called after her loudly as she walked away, pausing to find the right word.
"Did you see how she was swaying, Merlin?" Morgana asked as Gwen sat down with a weary sigh.
"Yeah, I did." he answered softly, squatting down, holding both girls' hands in his and telling them, "She didn't mean it. She's just sad. You know she loves you like sisters, right? I'll have Gaius check on her when I get back." he told them, giving them a quick kiss on the cheek before standing up and stepping aside for them to leave. "Try and get some rest." he said, looking intently at Morgana.
"I'll try." she said, looking right back at him, while Gwen smiled and said the same, just with less fervor.
"It's really starting to pour." Merlin said, looking around as his hair stuck to his face.
"Yeah, we should get inside." Gwen said, running into the castle with Morgana and Merlin behind her.
"Merlin, do you mind bringing me a sleeping draught later? I-I've run out."
"Yeah, sure. I'll tell Gaius." Merlin told her, clearing his throat and saying goodbye to them quickly.
"Gwen, can you bring me some dinner? I don't want to wait for Uther, and I am really worried about Cassie. I wanted to check on her later."
"Yes, of course, Morgana. A-are you sure it's the best idea? Checking on Cassie. She seemed really angry. And hurt." Gwen said softly from the door, looking over her shoulder.
"I know, but she shouldn't be alone. No matter how much she says she wants to be. I remember that's how I was when I lost my father, and I wouldn't have gotten through it if Arthur hadn't persisted in annoying the hell out of me."
"So you're going to annoy the hell out of her?" Gwen asked in confusion.
"No, I'll keep her company, even if it's just silent company." Morgana replied, "Do you think she'd throw me out if we went right now? She hasn't had any food at all, and I'm worried for her."
"I don't think that's wise, Morgana. She hasn't forgotten what happened with the boy a few weeks ago. And she clearly hasn't forgotten when I gave her some of your sleeping draught. Morgana, I feel like we made a big mistake helping him." Gwen said, quickly adding, "I-I mean hurting Cassie. Not saving the boy, but what that meant to Cassie, we really messed up."
"I know. The way she looked at us, I can't get it out of my head. I wouldn't be surprised if she never forgave us. I probably wouldn't if one of you hurt me." Morgana said, shaking her head and sighing, "Just dinner for us, then."
"Thank you, my Lady." Gwen said.
"I've been looking for you." someone called to her, his footsteps growing louder as he approached her on the battlements.
"Yeah." Cassie answered, not bothering to look up at the person walking towards her.
"Cassie, I know you're hurting. But please remember that he was my brother. I'm hurting too." he said, sighing heavily and sitting down next to her, holding a handkerchief out to her.
"I'm sorry. You're right, I shouldn't have been so rude. How are you, Pell?" she asked in a hoarse voice, ignoring his hand.
"Just about as bad as you. I just hide it better." he said, wiping a stray tear away softly.
"Yeah." Cassie said, looking down at her hands and falling silent.
"How're you feeling? We're worried about you, Ellie and me." he asked after sitting in silence for a few moments.
"I wish I weren't." Cassie replied, leaning her head back against the cold stone and looking up blankly.
"Weren't what? Alive?" he asked worriedly, looking intently at her face.
"Feeling. It hurts too much, Pell. Losing him, he's my life. I don't think I could live without him." Cassie replied, her voice full of raw emotion and hoarse.
"Cassie, you're not thinking about…" Pellinore asked, trailing off in horror as he couldn't even say it.
"What?" Cassie asked, furrowing her brow and looking at him in confusion.
"You know? K-killing yourself?" he said, his horror clear on his face and in his voice.
"No! No, absolutely not. I'm not a coward. Well, I'm not that big of a coward. I'm just cowardly enough to run away and not face my problems, or hide them away behind a fake smile and nonsensical ramblings or just completely ignore them and not- no, I'm not thinking about that. I would never think of that. I wouldn't see him again. Ever. Not if I killed myself, I'd be cast away from Heaven. I'd be cast away from my family."
"Promise me, Cassie. Swear to me you'll never even consider it!" Pellinore told her urgently, turning her face towards him and looking seriously into her eyes.
"I swear, Pell. On everything and everyone that I would never kill myself." Cassie answered, assuaging him of the thought of losing her that way with her serious words.
"Thank you. I don't think I would be able to fight tomorrow with all of my concentration if that was looming over me." he said, leaning back against the stone with a weary sigh and rubbing his hand over his face.
"What do you mean? Fight?" Cassie asked in a watery voice.
"I accepted the challenge. That knight had no quarrel with Owaine. But he certainly has a quarrel with me. I'll kill him. Get my vengeance, and yours."
"Pellinore, I'm begging you. Don't fight. Leave it alone, don't fight. Stay with your wife and daughter. Please. Pellinore, please." Cassie said, getting on her knees beside him and supplicating.
"Cassie, it's done. I've made up my mind. I've seen him fight, and I can win. I will win. Have faith, Cassie." he said, taking her hands and squeezing them gently.
"That's what Owaine said. 'Have faith in me.' I should have kept him asleep, used my magic, locked him up. Anything but let him fight." Cassie said sullenly, pulling her hands from him and going back to staring at the sky listlessly.
"Magic?" he repeated, looking at her as if she suddenly drew a dagger from her belt and held it against his throat, his hand twitching instinctively to the sword that lay at his side.
"I have magic. Owaine knew. Alys knows. No one else. Well, you do, now." Cassie answered dully,
"How? Why?" he asked.
"Because I have to." Cassie answered simply.
"Cassie, you don't have to. Magic corrupts, it makes you think you have to, but you really don't." he told her in hushed, hurried tones.
"Owaine said something along those lines when he found out." she said brokenly, her voice catching at the end. "When I was three, it just showed up, I never studied to learn it. I just knew what to do instinctively when I was a child. And then I stopped using it, and I got very sick. I have to use it, unless I want something to explode or catch fire from not using it. Or get very sick."
"That just proves it, Cass. It's dangerous."
"It saved me many times, and Arthur and O-and Owaine. Magic itself isn't bad, the person who wields it decides that." she said dully.
"But, that's not possible. It's not what we're told, what we're taught."
"Owaine had the same reaction." Cassie said, remembering the day very clearly as Pellinore sat there, stunned into silence.
"Have you ever used it in Camelot?" Pellinore asked finally.
"Oh, all the time. Stupid little things, but I use it. I used to only do it when I was outside the city proper."
"What do you use it for?" he asked.
"Not letting anyone hear me and Owaine, locking the door, filling the bathtub, I might have used it for a few pranks, when Lady Helen-well the woman who was impersonating her came to Camelot, I used it to move the chandelier, during the plague I used it to help Gaius a bit without his knowledge, I used it when the Griffin was here trying to look for answers, and I made Lancelot his seal, he doesn't know it was me. At least I don't think he does. I can't think of anything else, but I'm sure I've used it for more." Cassie said in a dull voice, not pausing to let him have a word in edgewise as she listed off what she remembered doing.
"What are you going to do now?" he asked, closing his mouth and looking at her.
"With my magic? Nothing, Just the water, I have no reason to use it any more." she said with a shrug.
"I won't say a word. I do wish you had confided in us, Cassie. You and he both. We're family. I love you like a sister, Cassie. I wouldn't have turned you in if you told me earlier."
"But you're going to turn me in now? I'll turn myself in. Or leave. I have nothing left here anyway." she said sadly, letting the tears fall as she turned to look at him.
"Is that really what you feel? Like there's nothing here for you?" he asked her.
"I feel empty, Pell. I feel empty without him, no matter where I go." she admitted, leaning against him with closed eyes when he wrapped his arms around her.
"It'll pass. Eventually. You'll be happy again, just give it time." he told her softly, kissing the top of her head and rubbing her back in soothing circles.
"You need rest, Pell. Go to your wife, she needs you more than I." Cassie told him, leaning away and looking back up at the sky. "I'm just going to stay here for now."
"No, you're not. It's going to rain again, you need sleep, you really do. You look awful." Pellinore said, pulling her onto her feet and letting her walk ahead of him.
"I don't think I can. Sleep, that is."
"We'll get a sleeping draught from Gaius for you. Come on." he said, nodding towards another corridor and taking her to the Physician's tower.
"I don-"
"Cassie, I'm afraid I must insist. You need rest. If not for you, then at least for your child. Ellie told me." Pellineore said, stopping short of Gaius's door and holding her by the shoulders. "I expect a strong boy from you, yeah?" he said with a smile, hugging her tightly before turning to knock on the door.
"I only just foun- Please don't say anything to them. I don't want them knowing." Cassie said, grabbing him by the hand and stopping him short.
"Why? You're friends with them aren't you?" he asked in confusion.
"Not anymore. I-I'll be in my chambers there, I don't want to see them." she said softly, walking past him and going into her room.
"Merlin, here's Morgana's sleeping draught. Don't take too long, there's something I need you to do." Gaius told him, handing him a small vial as he walked towards the door.
"Yeah, I'll be quick!" Merlin called over his shoulder, opening the door and stepping aside awkwardly.
"Sir Pellinore, what are you doing here? Are you okay?" Gaius asked in surprise as Merlin waited for him to walk in.
"Yes, I'm fine. Just wanted a sleeping draught for Cassie. She doesn't want to sleep."
"I was going to check in on her later. I have one prepared for her. Here." Gaius said, taking a vial from his work bag and handing it to him. "How is she? I haven't been able to speak with her."
"She'll be fine. Given time. I'm sure of it. She just needs to heal." he said, taking the vial and nodding to him. "I'll take this to her, good night, Gaius. Merlin."
"Pellinore."
"Sir Pellinore! Cassie… is she okay?" Merlin asked, closing the door behind him and stopping him from going.
"She will be. Merlin, why are you fighting? You two seemed... inseparable." Pellinore asked curiously.
"It's...complicated. I had hoped she'd forgive us, but now? I'm not sure it's possible. Ca-will you talk to her? Please."
"Yes, I'll talk to her. But I won't promise anything, she's hurt, and she'll be hurt for a long time." he said, looking at him seriously before deciding. "She's with child, Merlin. Watch over her, I'm afraid she won't take care of herself in her grief. Owaine would have-he wouldn't have wanted her to feel like this. I've tried, but it's hard. She's so…"
"Stubborn?" Merlin supplied.
"Yes, but no. I'm worried about her, Merlin. Her and my niece or nephew. Please, watch out for her. And don't tell her or anyone I told you. She'd kill me."
"Don't worry. I'll look out for her. She's still my friend. Even if she won't talk to me." Merlin told him. "I am very sorry for your loss, Pellinore. Owaine was a good man."
"Thank you, Merlin. Just wait until tomorrow, I'll have my vengeance and you can give me your condolences then." he said with a nod, watching as he turned around and descended the stairs before knocking on Cassie's door. "Are you staying here tonight?"
"I don't know." Cassie said, crossing her arms over her midriff and looking in repulsion at the vial he held in his hand. "I really hate those."
"Come on, let's go." he said, putting his arm over her shoulders and steering her towards their wing, walking in silence. "Are you ever going to tell me what happened, with Merlin and Guinevere and Lady Morgana?" he asked as he opened the door to her room.
"I- no. I-I can't be here, I'm sorry Pellinore. Too many memories, no puedo estar aquí. Lo siento." she said, walking backward with tearful eyes and a shaking head.
"It's okay, it's okay, Cassie. Come on, Elle's probably still awake, come on." he said, taking her by the shoulders and stopping her gently.
"Cassie, come in, please." Ellie said, stepping aside to let her in and looking at her husband worriedly.
"Sorry." he whispered, taking his daughter from her and hugging her close to him. "I couldn't leave her like this."
"I know. You need to rest, I'll see if we can set up a cot for her in Elle's." she whispered back, kissing him and going to speak to Cassie softly.
"You can sleep here with Ellie, I'm sure she'd be happy to have you here. Let me find a servant to help us set up a cot." she said, getting up and going out through the door silently.
"No need, I can do it myself." she said, trying to call her magic forward to conjure up a small cot. "Sċipa ic i wilniġe stól."
"What? What are you doing?" she asked as she and Pellinore walked back with blankets and a pillow in their arms.
"It won't work. Why won't it work?" she whispered to herself, trying over and over again to use her magic to no avail.
"What's she doing?" Ellie whispered to her husband in fright, bending down to pick up the crawling baby.
"I don't know." he said, walking cautiously towards her and squatting down. "Cassie?"
"It won't work. It worked this morning, why can't I use my magic?" she asked in a broken voice.
"I don't know, Cass. I'm sorry." he said, taking her hand and squeezing it gently. "I'm so sorry, Cassie. Can you please stop. You're frightening Ellie." he said slowly, making sure not to frighten her any more.
"Oh, I'm really sorry, I-I don't mean to scare you, baby girl." Cassie said tearfully, looking at the small child in her mother's arms. "I-I'm so sorry, Ellie. I-I should go." she said, standing up and removing her hand from Pellinore's.
"No, stay. You're still family. And I trust you. I don't trust your magic, but you I trust." Ellie said, tentatively stepping forward and stopping her from leaving. "You're family, Cass." she repeated.
"I'm sorry! I don't know what's come over me." Cassie said, letting her tears fall and crying her eyes out silently.
"Oh, Cassie. I do." Ellie said, hugging her as tight as she could while she held her daughter. "I know what you're feeling, it's grief. You're overcome by it. Just, here, Pell's already got the cot set up on that chaise, lie down and close your eyes, Cass."
"Are you sure? I can leave. Really." Cassie said, sniffling.
"I want you to stay, Cassie. We want you to stay." she said, helping her onto the chair and sitting next to her.
"Get some rest. Ellie will be with us tonight so you can get some sleep. Don't forget about the sleeping draught." Pellinore told her, resting his hand on his daughter's small head. "'Night, Cassie."
"Can I… uhm, can she stay with me? I don't want to be alone." she said timidly before she could regret it.
"Yes, of course she can stay with you." Ellie said after sparing a reluctant glance at her husband and seeing his expression. "Keep her safe, baby." she added with a kiss on her daughter's temple.
"Good night, both of you." Cassie said, holding her niece in her lap as the two went to their door and closed it. "Hey darling, soon you'll have a little cousin. Someone to play with. I just hope your daddy will be around to meet her, or him."
"Baba?" she cooed with bright eyes, looking around.
"Si, tu papá. Se quiere vengar, pero no sé si lo logre. Ese caballero negro me da miedo. Lo extraño, lo extraño mucho." she said tearfully, smiling as the girl wiped her tears with a small finger and put it in her mouth curiously, making a face at the saltiness. "Don't do that, love. You must want to go to sleep, right? Let me sing you a song." she whispered, singing a lullaby softly as she held the small blonde girl in her arms, rocking back and forth. "Silencio en la noche, ya todo está en calma, El músculo duerme, la ambición descansa. Meciendo una cuna, una madre canta un canto querido que llega hasta el alma, porque en esa cuna, está su esperanza. Un coro lejano de madres que cantan, mecen en sus cunas nuevas esperanzas. Silencio en la noche. Silencio en las almas. Silencio en la noche, ya todo está en calma."
"That's beautiful, Cassie." Ellie whispered from the doorway. "I couldn't sleep. I keep dreading tomorrow. Can we talk?"
"Yes, of course, Ellie. Please." Cassie whispered, standing up and carrying baby Ellie over to the crib and placing her in it gently.
"How were you able to go? You enjoyed some of it, how? I'm frightened for him."
"Owaine convinced me. He kissed me and made me laugh until I relented. It was his favorite way of convincing me of something. It nearly always worked. I wish it hadn't worked. I can't get it out of my mind. I keep seeing it on replay, everytime I think of something else, it pushes through to the front." Cassie said horrified.
"Oh." Ellie said, looking down at her shaking hands.
"I'm sorry, Ellie. I shouldn't have told you that. It was insensitive of me. I didn't think how you would-"
"Cassie, don't. Thank you for telling me. It… gives me something to-okay, it helps me to not-just thank you."
"You shouldn't be thanking me." Cassie said softly, avoiding her eyes.
"Why did you never say anything?" Ellie asked, watching as Cassie shifted in the seat with a soft wince.
"I was afraid." Cassie admitted, looking at her hands in her lap. "I was afraid I'd lose you."
"Why were you afraid? Did you think we'd turn you in? Owaine wouldn't have let us." Ellie said in a soft voice.
"But, Owaine's not here anymore, is he? He's gone forever. I won't see him again until I die. He'll never meet his child, never spoil him, love him. He'll never do anything that we talked about. He's gone, and I'm alone. All alone. Again." Cassie said dully, staring out the window blankly.
"Don't say that, Cassie. You're not alone. You have us. Your family. And your friends. No one's going to leave you alone." Ellie told her, turning her face to look at her and holding her hand. "I promise. You won't be alone."
"Except I am. Everyone always leaves. Always."
"That's not true, Cassie. Please believe that. You're not alone. You always have us, Ellie, Pell, me. And Morrigan and Urien, all of us."
"I thought the same of my mother and my siblings. And they're all gone."
"They were taken from you, Cassie. They didn't leave." Ellie told her seriously.
"They're still gone. Never coming back." Cassie said forlornly. "Always alone."
"No, they're not coming back. And you're not alone. Never forget that, Cassie. You're my sister. Even if you have ma-magic."
"I'm sorry."
"For what?"
"Being me. Having magic. I'm wishing I never came to Camelot. He'd probably still be alive."
"Alive and unhappy, Cassie. He changed when he met you. Before you he was cocky and arrogant. After you, okay he was still cocky and arrogant, but he was much less pompous. Cassie, we're better now that you came. You've made Owaine happy, and Morrigan and Urien. Those two boys, they would be poor orphans on the streets of the city if it weren't for you. And the two people, the ones who took them in, they'd be unhappy and childless. Alys would have had yet another miscarriage, Cassie, you've made us all happier for being here."
"No, Ellie, he would have found someone else. Alys would have kept trying until she conceived, someone would have looked after Taran and Alex." Cassie told her.
"I know you don't really believe that, Cassie. It's very late. Take the sleeping draught, get some rest, you need it."
"So do you, Ellie. Take a sip when you get to your bed, it's strong. A whole vial knocked Leon out at once." Cassie told her, taking over half of the vial and handing it to her before laying on the chaise and letting Ellie pull the covers over her.
"Good night, Cassie." she said, kissing her temple softly and going to her bedroom, taking a sip of the draught and laying close to her husband, who wrapped his arms around her, and closing her eyes to go to sleep.