Chapter 72 I don't own Merlin, read, review, tell me what I can improve upon. I always love that!
"Should we wake her up?" Ellie whispered as she walked in to pick up her daughter and carry her over to where Pellinore was preparing.
"She's fast asleep, Ellie. She drank half the vial of sleeping draught."
"I think she wanted to be there for you." Ellie said softly as she helped him with the haubergeon with gentle hands.
"She looks so peaceful, though. Almost happy. A far cry from what she looked like last night." he replied, staring lovingly at his baby daughter.
"I know, she's probably dreaming of him."
"Let her wake up by herself, I'll see her after the fight."
"Are you sure it's not a suicide mission? Fighting this knight?"
"I need to avenge my brother, Ellie. I love you. I love our daughter, but I have to do this." he said sternly, kissing his daughter on the top of her head and handing her back to his wife.
"I know. I won't try to stop you. I just hope I still have my husband in a few hours."
"You'll always have me, this I promise you. I will never leave you." he said, letting his hand rest gently over her beating heart. "Even if I'm not here, I'm always here."
"Don't do this, Pell. I can't stand a goodbye." she said, her voice breaking.
"It's only goodbye for now." he said, kissing her gently on the cheek and fastening his sword belt.
"Pell. Wait." Ellie said, placing her daughter in the middle of the bed and turning back to him. "For good luck."
"I'll wear it with pride, my Lady." he said, taking her token and tying it to his belt.
"And, this is so I have something of yours." she said, her blue eyes glinting as she wrapped her arms around his shoulders and kissed him passionately, every unspoken word hung in the air between them as the tears fell silently down her face. "I love you."
"I love you as well. To the ends of the world and back." he said, looking at her with all the love he could muster, ignoring the tears flowing down her face and kissing her once more. "I should go now. Come, we'll leave Ellie with the wet nurse."
"Yes, of course." she said, taking her handkerchief and drying her eyes before picking her babbling daughter up and following him out the door.
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"My Queen, why are you here?" Owaine asked with concerned eyes.
"To be with you." she said with playful eyes.
"Cassie, you can't." he said, taking her hand gently and shaking his head at her.
"But I can. Somehow, I can." she replied with tears in her eyes as his mood reminded her of what had happened. "It's just a dream after all."
"It's not a dream and you know it, Cassie." he said sternly.
"It is!"
"It's the 'astal' thingy. What you were reading about, remember?"
"Impossible, my magic's not working." Cassie said, shaking her head in incredulity.
"No, my Queen. You're magic's just doing what it knows you need. But you have to stop it, this is dangerous." he said, squeezing her hand seriously.
"As long as we're here…" Cassie said, "Take me wherever you want to go."
"What are you talking about? How do I take you anywhere?"
"Think of it in your mind, and take us there." she told him, leaning up and placing a ghost of a kiss on his lips.
"Did it work?" he asked, opening an eye and smiling.
"It's beautiful here." Cassie said, leading him in front of the tent and sitting down on the grass.
"Yes, not as beautiful as you."
"Much more peaceful, though." Cassie pointed out as he lay down on his side.
"Yes, a war would be more peaceful than you, my dear."
"You know from experience, do you?" she teased back, playing into his game.
"Yes, I do. But for now… let's just enjoy it here." he said, taking her hand and placing a kiss on each finger sweetly.
"Where are you going?" he asked after what seemed like hours in that position just talking.
"I am hungry, you know. No soy cuerpo glorioso." she said with a small smile.
"English?" he asked, squeezing her hand.
"I need food, you lump." she said teasingly, taking a plate of strawberries and biting into it.
"You look delectable when you do that, you know?" he said, his eyes watching her reddened lips.
"Well, you certainly don't hide it, my love. Tell me, Owaine, what are we doing here?" she asked, looking around at the clearing near the lake.
"Can't a man take his beautiful wife someplace that merits her beauty?" he asked, his hand going up to stroke the soft skin of her neck.
"A man can. You can't. You always have an ulterior motive." she said with a cheeky grin, laughing as she threw his words back at him.
"Well, I did promise you we'd find someplace just the two of us could go. Here it is." he explained after a deep chuckle.
"Where is here?"
"The Lake of Avalon. Peaceful, isn't it?"
"Yes, very. Why does the name sound so familiar?"
"You'll come here again. In a few years, but you'll come here." he answered, moving to sit behind her with his legs on either side of her.
"What do you mean?"
"Let's not dwell on that my love. You can't do this again." he said, his voice serious as she leaned against his chest and held his hands lovingly.
"I couldn't stop even if I wanted to. I don't know what I'm doing."
"Cassie! This is serious, you could die. You have to promise me you won't do this again." he said, turning her face to look at him and conveying his seriousness with sharp eyes.
"Owaine, I really have n-"
"Promise me. I am begging you, don't do this. For me."
"Just like I begged you?" she challenged back, tears flowing down her face as he spoke.
"That's not fair, and you know it!" he shot back, removing his arm from around her and standing up.
"Oh, so when you ask I have to do it, but when I ask it's just 'oh, no she's just worrying too much.' Well, not this time, Owaine. I'm doing what I damn well please!" she said angrily, standing up angrily and stalking towards the lake, watching with tearful eyes as the sun glinted on its smooth surface.
"Cassie." he said, turning her around angrily and holding her in place. "You must swear never to do this again! I've already hurt you enough. When you wake up you must never come back!"
"No." Cassie said stubbornly, standing on the tips of her toes and kissing him forcefully, all the anger and sadness she'd been bottling up just pushing her past the edge. "I'll never leave you." she panted after the long, passionate kiss, pushing him down to the ground and straddling him.
"Cassie, you-" he started to say, fighting against his growing hard-on.
"Stop it! I don't want to hear it! I just want to feel you right now!" she said, reaching down and taking his member out of his trousers, grinding hard against him.
"This is wrong, Cassie!" he mumbled against her lips reluctantly, the feel of her body against his winning over his logic.
"Making love to my husband?" she challenged, retaking his lips with a passion she'd never had before to keep him from talking while her hand reached back and undid the laces of her dress and pulled it over her head. "Just love me right now, my Knight." she breathed, her lips moving all over his face and down to his neck, smiling triumphantly as he groaned in defeat and reached down to align himself with her center and thrust up, both making love furiously on the banks of the Lake of Avalon.
"Why didn't you ever do that when I was alive?" Owaine panted out with a deep chuckle as they lay looking up at the sky.
"I was never that angry with you." she replied just as breathlessly.
"Cassie, my love. We shouldn't have done that. You deserve better. Please, don't mourn me your whole life. Fall in love, have a family with that man. Promise me that."
"I could never love anyone else." she said, placing a chaste kiss on his lips. "You're the man of my life, Owaine."
"No, my Queen. I was the man of your life. But I'm dead now, and you're alive. Cassie, don't break my heart. Don't pine for me for the rest of your life. It's not what I want." he told her, looking deep into her eyes.
"I can't abandon you, Owaine. I won't forsake you." Cassie told him tearfully.
"You-" he began to say, but before he could get another word out, he faded off into the distance and Cassie felt herself pulled back to Camelot, to her body.
"No." Cassie sobbed out once she woke up, standing up and walking slowly back to her room from Ellie's, keeping her tears at bay until she was in the confines of her room, only to throw herself onto the bed and curl up into a ball, crying into Owaine's pillow.
"Cassie? Cassie, please let me in." Morgana said softly, knocking on the door only to receive silence.
"Cassie, you need to eat. We've brought you some food." Gwen added worriedly.
"Cass. We're your friends, we care about you. Please just open the door." Morgana pleaded, looking at Gwen in defeat.
"If you don't open the door, we'll kick it down. Cassie, please. We just want to see that you're okay."
"Leave me alone." Cassie told them, opening the door and glaring at them with red eyes, throwing the door closed in their face and sliding down the wall to sit on the floor and keep crying.
"We're not going anywhere, Cassie. We'll stay here all night if it's necessary." Morgana called through the door, looking at Gwen and mouthing 'did you see the state of her chambers?' quickly.
"Please, Cassie, open the door. We've got some food here for you. We know you haven't eaten anything since breakfast yesterday. Cass, you can't do this to yourself. Owaine wouldn't want it. You have to eat." Gwen said softly, pressing her ear to the door and hearing the soft sobs coming from the other side. "Open the door, Cass. We have to tell you something."
"Gwen! Are you sure?" Morgana whispered low enough for it not to carry through the door.
"She has to know, 'Gana. He was her family, too." Gwen whispered back. "Cassie, please, open the door."
"I don't want to keep telling you. Leave me alone!" Cassie growled, pushing past them and walking away angrily, leaving her door wide open.
"Cassie, wait! I'm tired of apologizing for doing the right thing. Yes, we shouldn't have involved you, and we shouldn't have knocked you out, but saving that boy was the right thing to do, and if you don't agree with that then you're not the person I thought I knew." Morgana said angrily, grabbing her arm and not letting anyone respond. "I don't care if you want or not, I'm not leaving your side, and I'm not letting you shut yourself away from us."
"Do what you want." Cassie replied, pulling her arm away harshly, walking away, and ignoring them trailing behind her all through the castle.
"Where are you going? Cassie?!" Gwen cried as the young blonde ran into the stall and grabbed the first horse she found, mounting it bareback and kicking out, not caring how many people had to jump out of her way as she rode to the gates.
"Cassie? What are you doing, where are you going?" Leon asked as she galloped past him, ignoring him and continuing on her way.
"Must have had a spat with Owaine. She'll cool off." Sir Bedivere said, spurring his horse forward as Leon did the same.
"My Lady. Gwen. Why's Cassie left like that?" Leon asked as he handed the reigns of the horse over to one of the stable hands.
"It's a long story. The short version: two days ago a mysterious knight issued a challenge to Prince Arthur and Owaine picked it up. And Pellinore fought the same man today. Neither won, but I'm sure Pellinore dealt him a mortal blow. And Arthur's fighting him tomorrow. It's...strange. Almost like-" Morgana answered while Gwen finished saddling the horse.
"Yeah, magic." Leon interrupted.
"She won't speak with us, she hasn't eaten. I doubt she will."
"We're worried about her. We've been trying to get her to say something other than 'leave me alone' and we've gotten nowhere." Gwen added, worrying her lower lip to the point it began to bleed.
"Here, you're bleeding. I'll go bring her back. Doesn't sound like she wants to see either of you particularly, no offense." he said, taking the newly saddled horse from Gwen and handing her a handkerchief.
"Thank you, Leon." Morgana said, smiling sadly at him.
"Of course, I'll make sure she eats as well. She's my friend, too." he said, bowing to Morgana and mounting the mare in one fluid movement.
"Here, it's not much, but it's something." Gwen said, handing him a loaf of bread and some cheese wrapped in a cloth.
"I'll get it to her." he said, nodding once at them and kicking off once more to look for Cassie in the general direction she'd gone.
"I thought I said to leave me alone." Cassie said when she heard the rustling of leaves and the cracking of a twig behind her.
"You never told me that." Leon said softly, squatting down beside her and handing her the food Gwen had wrapped. "Eat."
"I'm not hungry. And I'd rather be alone right now."
"Okay, I won't say a word." he said, lifting his hands and backing away a few steps before he sat down and leant against a tree. "I'm just going to rest my eyes, if you don't mind. Been riding all day."
Cassie just ignored him and looked at the flower she held in her hand, letting the tears fall freely and willing her magic to make it change colors like she used to do when she was a child. She stayed there for hours, trying and failing to feel her magic, to use it, and she didn't even bother to get under the shelter of the trees when it began to rain.
"Can you stop that, you're going to make yourself sick." Leon said, taking off his cloak and putting it around her shoulders gently.
"Stop what?" Cassie asked in a dead voice, still staring at the flower.
"Sulking. Eat, or I'll feed you as if you were a cantankerous little child."
"I'm not hungry, you can have it."
"Lucky for you, neither am I. Now eat or I'll force feed you." he said seriously, eyeing the cloud above them warily.
"Fine." she said, reluctantly popping a slice of cheese in her mouth and chewing.
"Thank you. Do you want to talk about it?"
"No." she answered quickly, shrugging the cloak off and standing up.
"I won't say anything else." Leon said quickly, standing up and stopping her from leaving with a gentle hand. "Just, don't run away."
"It's what I do best." Cassie said with tears in her eyes, shaking her head free of the thoughts and letting him pull her in for a hug. "Running. It's what I do best, Leon."
"If that were true, you would have run a long time ago, Cassie. Come on, let's go back to Camelot. Your friends are worried about you."
"They're not my friends. Not anymore." Cassie said sadly, letting him help her onto the saddled horse and waiting for him to mount the other one.
"Do you want to talk about that?" he asked as they began moving slowly forward.
"Remember the Druid that escaped a few weeks ago? Well, that was Moragana and them. They knocked me out and helped it escape knowing how I feel about the Druids." she said dully, riding beside him.
"How? Lady Morgana was dining with the King that night."
"Prince Arthur, he rode the child back to the Druids." she said angrily.
"That's surprising." Leon commented, looking ahead stoically.
"Why?"
"I thought Prince Arthur shared his father's views on magic." he answered.
"He doesn't. Not really. He just… respects him too much to go against him. At least unless it really matters."
"Like the child?" Leon replied reasonably.
"Don't you start, too. The Druids stole into my city and murdered all of my people ruthlessly. There were hundreds of people living there, more than live in Camelot proper. It was the work of many monsters, and I saw those children dancing along with their parents even if it was from a distance and not covered in my peoples' blood! If saving that child would bring back the hundreds of souls murdered that night, then I would have helped! But it didn't, and it won't. I don't care what you think of me after this, but if I had to do it over, I would have stopped them from doing what they did. Mark my words, that boy is going to do great evil." Cassie said darkly, her face going pale as she spurred her horse into a gallop.
"Cassie, Are you okay? Cassie!" Leon asked, galloping after her when he saw her double over in pain.
"I'm fine, just a stomach ache." she said, straightening up with a wince and slowing down as he grabbed her reins.
"You should see Gaius." he said worriedly.
"I'm fine, Leon. I don't need to see him."
"I'm sorry about Owaine. He was a good man. Honorable. He always will be."
"He should have listened to me."
"It's a rule of life, Cassie. Men never listen to women, no matter how wise or right they are. It's in our nature." he said, stopping the horses and looking at her.
"He fought because of his vanity and pride. He should have listened to me."
"No, he fought because he's a knight. He picked up the gauntlet, the Knight's Code cannot be broken for any man. I'm sorry." Leon corrected her gently.
"It's such a stupid code. Sometimes I miss how we did it, tourneys and challenges were until first blood unless there was a serious grievance. This bastard just showed up and killed him." she cried out, dismounting and pacing away from him, ignoring him as he dismounted.
"I'm sorry, Cassie. The Knight's Code tells us to live by honor and for glory, backing out would have gone against that and we've been taught, practically since birth, that the Knight's code is everything to live by. It would have gone against his very being to back out, and you know it. If he relented, if he backed out, neither of you would have been very happy in the end. He would have changed, and you would have changed in his eyes. Deep down, you know this, Cassie." he said, stopping her from pacing and looking deep into her eyes.
"I know. Doesn't mean it doesn't hurt." Cassie muttered, looking down at the floor and letting him lead her back to the horse and help her up.
"Come on, let's get back. You should go see Gaius about the stomach ache, you're extremely pale." he said, mounting quickly and kicking off on a canter with her horse's reins in his hands.
"It's just my complexion." Cassie mumbled, letting him lead her horse through the city gates and to the stables.
"If you won't see Gaius, then at least make sure you're not alone. Promise me you won't hide in your room alone. Stay with Lady Eleanor. I'm sure she needs you as well." he said, stopping her from walking away by extending his arm out in front of her.
"I don't know if I can be with her. I- I left their rooms and I don't know if he-"
"She needs you, too. Be with her, Cassie. Pellinore didn't win. The knight was using magic of some sort, and survived even after Pellinore stabbed him in the gut." Leon said lowly, leaning down to murmer the words so that no one could hear.
"He died?" she asked in a small voice, tears spilling down her face at his nod of affirmation. "I'll be with Ellie tonight, then."
"I'll have them send some food up for both of you. I'm really sorry for your loss, Cassie. Both of them." Leon told her, placing a gentle kiss on her hand and bowing deeply, watching as she slowly walked back into the castle.
"Ellie. I just heard. Leon told me. I'm so sorry. I know exactly what you're feeling." Cassie said in a breaking voice. "Can I come in?"
"Please, do." she replied in a raw voice, stepping aside and closing the door lightly.
"I knew he was going to die, but I still had hope." she said, sitting down on the floor where her daughter was playing with Caelia's children.
"I should have thought of that. Playing with the children. It seems difficult to be sad when you're near them." Cassie said in a soft voice as she watched them giggling on the floor.
"That's exactly why I asked Cealia to leave them here. I couldn't find you and I didn't want to be alone." she answered just as softly, not wanting her voice to betray her in front of her child.
"Where is she?"
"I couldn't- I feel horrible for saying this, but I couldn't stand to see her."
"I know what you mean. I- I didn't want to be here yesterday either. I'm glad I was, I practically destroyed my chambers, but I wouldn't have survived the night without you." Cassie told her, looking away to wipe her eyes.
"We should leave for- we should push the trip up, leave tomorrow. I don't think I can stand it here right now." Ellie said.
"Yeah, I need to pack. I don't- I don't think I can do it alone, not with all his clothes." Cassie replied.
"We can just go with a few dresses, it's not like we'll need too much."
"I need black lace and thread. Do you have any?" Cassie asked, realizing she had none.
"No. I don't. Morrigan might."
"She's going to be crushed."
"Yeah. they all will." Ellie agreed, her eyes looking at the door as a knock sounded.
"I'll get it." Cassie said, standing up and going to open the door.
"Sir Leon sent for your food, my Ladies." the serving girl said, curtsying quickly and walking into the room, placing it on a table and turning back to them. "Will that be all?"
"Can you go buy some black lace and thread from the market?" Ellie said, taking some gold coins and handing them to the servant.
"Yes, my lady. How much do you want?" she asked, hovering by the door as she looked at the two widows.
"A yard. Thank you." Cassie answered, forcing out a smile.
"Looks like you're wincing." Ellie said once the servant backed out of the door and down the hall.
"Well, I don't really feel like smiling right now." Cassie replied shortly, apologizing profusely after the fact.
"It's fine, I feel the same right now." Ellie said.
"Ellie…" Cassie asked a few hours later, food still untouched.
"Yes, Cassie?" she said, looking up from her daughter momentarily.
"I-I wish to- Um."
"You can speak in confidence, Cass."
"I don't mean anything by it, I swear! You know I- you're my family. But I need to be alone, right now. I'm so sorry, Ellie. I ca-" Cassie said, her voice breaking and sobs escaping at the end.
"You don't have to be alone, Cassie. You know I love you as family." Ellie told her softly, kneeling in front of her and handing her a handkerchief, hugging her tightly.
"I know. But I-Ellie, please. I can't be here right now. I want to go someplace else. I need to be alone!" she whispered out with frightened eyes.
"Okay, you can come back whenever you want." she said, walking her to the door.
"Okay, yeah. Count on it." Cassie said, quickly crossing the hall and throwing open her door, closing it quickly as her control slipped and her eyes glowed gold, throwing everything around the room without a thought. Try as she might, she couldn't rein it in, she couldn't stop at all. She saw through a haze as all her belongings were flying around as if in a twister, watched helpless as vials were flung against the wall and shattered on impact, as pillows went flying and banging until the feathers flew out and were gathered in the invisible wind, as the table overturned and the legs splintered on impact. And all she could do was cower in a corner and hug her knees.