Chapter 79 I don't own Merlin, nor do I particularly like my previous chapter, it was really meh.
"Cassie?"
"Yes?" she asked as she sat on the base of the tree, her needlework in her lap as she worked on a quilt for the twins.
"Is that for Lady Alys's babies?" Alex asked, pulling his legs up to his chest and looking at the quilt in curiosity.
"Yes, it is. I thought that it would keep my mind busy. So far it's working." she said, trying not to be too short with the boy beside her.
"Can I help?" he asked.
"Tell me, what do you think about it so far?" she asked, holding up the unfinished blanket and covering her face.
"It's big for a baby." he said with a slight giggle to his voice.
"Hmm, I suppose it is." Cassie said, trying to sound thoughtful and failing. "I can fold it in half and close it along the seams. Maybe stuff it with feathers or something to make it warm."
"That sounds hard." Alex said with a wrinkle of his nose. "Can I sit with you while you finish?"
"If you'd like to." Cassie said with a forced chuckle. "It will take a long time for me to finish, wouldn't you rather go and play with Dicun?"
"Well, yeah, but you're not going to be here forever."
"I promise I'll spend time with you later. Maybe tell you another story. Go on, have fun with your friends." Cassie said, taking his hand and squeezing it.
"You promise?"
"Yes, I promise. Now go, sweetheart." Cassie said with a sweet smile, watching as his face lit up and he hugged her tightly before running away.
"Harold, I won't do it!" Cassie heard Katherine say in the distance, looking over her shoulder towards where it came from.
"Yes, you will!" he said, oblivious to Cassie watching them from behind the tree. "Now, Morrigan said she'd be there, and you will apologize, you will tell her you meant none of it and you will do it sincerely. Do you understand?" he demanded, stopping in his tracks and looking challengingly at her.
"You and I both know what I said was true!" Katherine replied, standing her ground.
"I don't believe that." Harold told her. "I saw what she did for Alys. I've seen how much pain there is behind her eyes and how much strength it took for her to do what she did. You will apologize!" he yelled, grabbing her by the arms and shaking her.
"She is the reason my brothers are dead, Harold. I won't be sincere." Katherine said, trying to take her arm from his grasp. "I hate her!"
"She's done nothing but love your brother!" he growled, tightening his grip even more. "I can't do anything to change the way you think, but I sure as hell will change the way you behave. You will apologize sincerely and you will do so because it is your job to obey me. Is that clear?" he said, enunciating every syllable angrily.
"I will follow your orders, Harold. But don't think I'll get over this easily. I've seen the way you look at her. It doesn't take a mind reader to guess what you're thinking. That girl has caused nothing but strife for me, and I won't allow her to do us any more harm. My apology will be for my words, not my thoughts. You should consider apologizing for yours." she said with a deadly calm voice, prying her arm from his grip and walking away with her head held proudly.
She walked to the tree and bent down to pick up the blanket Cassie had crocheted, scoffing and bunching it up.
"She doesn't even bother to take her stuff back inside. Left it here and all. We're going, Harold. I won't stay here another moment, waiting for you to act on your lascivious fantasies. I'm getting our children and we're getting into the carriage and going back to your lands." Katherine told him, shoving the blanket at him and stalking away in search of her daughters.
"What was she talking about?" Cassie asked from up in the tree, releasing her hold on her amulet.
"What are you doing up there?!" Harold demanded after a rather embarrassing startle.
"What thoughts are you harboring?" Cassie asked again, dropping down to the floor and looking up at him in question.
"None. I swear on my daughters' lives." he said truthfully. "Katherine has it in her head that I don't find her attractive anymore. Not since she had Jocosa. Which is completely stupid, she's the most beautiful person I've ever seen."
"I'm not stupid, Harold. She wouldn't be saying those things if there wasn't some truth to it."
"I have eyes, you are beautiful. But I have no feelings for you, Cassie. The only thing I feel is grief over your loss. Owaine was a good man, brave. Katherine doesn't mean what she said. She doesn't hate you, it's just the grief over losing her brothers. I apologize on her behalf. I should go. Goodbye, Cassie." he said, handing the blanket back to her and bowing low. "She's wrong about any thoughts she thinks I may have, by the way. I love my wife and I respect Owaine too much to ever think about it, let alone act on anything. Just thought you should know."
"You should tell her that." Cassie said, looking down at the ground in shame. "It's your marriage you have to save now. And I know enough about chivalry and the Knight's code to know it's important to you. Go."
"My Lady." he said, bowing deeply once again and turning to leave with a heavy sigh, walking nobly through the manor and onto their carriage.
"Here, I made this for the twins." Cassie said as she walked into Alys's chambers and sat down on the chaise next to her, putting the blanket on her lap while Alys fed her daughter.
"Hello to you too, Cassie." Alys said in amusement.
"Sorry. I just had the weirdest encounter with Katherine and Harold."
"He made her apologize?" Alys asked.
"No. Well, yes, but she didn't. I hid myself and eavesdropped."
"Like a child?" she said with a smile in her voice as she held in her laughter.
"Yes," Cassie admitted guiltily. "Like a child."
"So, why'd you hide?"
"Because they were obviously fighting, and it was about me." Cassie said, rubbing her temples with her fingers. "Katherine thinks Harold likes me, Harold said he doesn't, Katherine hates me because of that. I hate me because all I do is cause strife wherever I go. It's getting to be too much. I just don't know anything anymore."
"Harold doesn't have feelings for you, Cass. I've known him long enough to know that he only has eyes for my sister." Mor said as he walked out from behind the screen.
"Mor! Sorry, I-I've been stepping in it all day today." Cassie said, standing up quickly and blushing profusely. "I-I-I should go."
"No, stay. I was just going anyway, but you should know Harold may have looked but he loves my sister." Mor said, putting on his boots and walking up to her. "Whatever thoughts he may have had were fleeting if existent. He is a man. I know they flashed for a brief second across my mind."
"I've been here almost two years and still I'm shocked when you speak so callously about such things." Cassie said, failing to hide her shock as he spoke that way in front of his wife.
"Hey, I'd be lying if I'd say you were plain, Cassie. You are beautiful and certainly boiled their blood when they first met you. Doesn't help Harold's case that he met you just before your wedding and was present at the consummation ceremony." Alys said logically.
"I think I'll leave you two to your fantasies. This is just plain weird." Cassie said with a furrowed brow, standing up and going to walk out before Mor stopped her with a gentle hand.
"Stay, really. I was only teasing you earlier, by the way." he said with a smile, kissing his wife and children goodbye and walking towards the door.
"Yeah, it was longer than a second." Alys said, biting her lip to keep from laughing too hard as she saw Cassie's horrified expression. "Pay him no mind. They're still boy's at heart." she said once Mor left and Cassie sat back down, albeit slightly away from her.
"How can you two speak like that?"
"Cassie, you may not want to admit it to yourself, but Owaine wasn't the only man to lay eyes on you. I'm sure all the men in Camelot have had fantasies about you at some point, they just don't act on it." Alys said.
"So, you're perfectly fine with your husband laying eyes on another woman?"
"Can't say I didn't look at his brothers when I first met them. Handsome men, all of them. Besides, it's not like you can control everything you think at every moment of the day. It's perfectly natural for them to respond to you the way they did."
"So, you weren't jealous?"
"Of course I was jealous. You're exotically beautiful, and Owaine really didn't do you justice when he wrote about you. It was clear to see. Besides, it was just that instance and he looked right back at me."
"I'd be angry." Cassie said, twisting her fingers. "If it was Owaine, I'd be angry."
"Because he was your first love, Cassie. Our first love isn't always our only love. And marriage isn't easy. It's not meant to be. But he's faithful to me as I am to him. Even if our thoughts wander occasionally."
"I was taught it's a sin to lust after another."
"That may be so, but our body's reaction isn't always controllable." Alys said with a giggle at her naivetée. "You've never looked at anyone other than Owaine? Never thought about it?"
"No." Cassie said, then blushed profusely as she remembered when she and Leon almost kissed. "Actually that's not entirely true."
"See? No one's infallible, it's our actions we should be judged by, not our thoughts." Alys told her, getting up and patting her baby on the back gently before laying her down and looking down at them. "Don't you sometimes wish you had that child-like innocence again?"
"Yes, I do. I miss the way I used to look at the world." Cassie answered as she saw the tender look in Alys's eyes. "It just can't be helped sometimes. You can't keep it forever, but to lose it so young?"
"I know, we were lucky. We were shielded from most things. Peasants have it much harder." Alys said, thinking of the two boys Cassie had brought with her so long ago.
"I should go, I'll take this with me, it's not really complete." Cassie said, looking at the folded blanket awkwardly.
"Why?"
"It's so… plain." Cassie said.
"Not everything has to be extravagant, Cassie. It's lovely. I love it and so will they, when they wake up." Alys said, taking it from her and opening it up. "It's rather big, how long have you been working on this for?"
"All night." Cassie said.
"Then you should get some rest, I love it just the way it is." Alys said gently, walking her to the door and smiling as she turned to say something but thought better of it.
"Good bye, Alys."
"Bye, Cassie. Get some rest and try not to think too hard about Katherine and Harold, they have their problems like anyone but they love each other, they'll work it out."
"Yeah." Cassie said simply, walking back through the manor and going to her chamber, falling asleep the moment her head hit the pillow.
"Cassie, my love. It's time to wake up." he said, shaking her gently.
"Hmm, no go away Owaine, I want to sleep in today." Cassie mumbled into her soft feather pillow.
"You did sleep in, my love." he replied softly, kissing her neck.
"I had the worst dream. I dreamt that you'd died and I lost our son." Cassie said sadly.
"So we're having another boy?" he asked hopefully, turning her onto her back and opening her eyes.
"Another?" she asked, looking up at him dazedly.
"My, you are asleep." he joked, kissing her tenderly and smiling down at her. "You've forgotten about Iorwerth already? It's only been a few days, you know Mother and Father wanted him for a little."
"I guess it's just the dream." Cassie said, sitting up in bed and smiling happily when she felt the little baby in her womb moving. "Give me your hand, he's moving." Cassie said, taking his hand and smiling gaily as she felt her child kicking.
"I still can't get over how strange that feels." he said, kissing her pregnant belly and smiling at her. "Are you awake enough yet?" he asked with a meaningful smile, keeping his weight off her as he kissed her deeply.
"Just about." Cassie replied with a smile. "Wake me up even more?" she said, wrapping her legs around his and bitting her lip.
"I was waiting for you to ask." he replied, retaking her lips and making love to her passionately.
"You make me so happy, Owaine. Promise me you'll never leave me. Promise you won't die." Cassie said, turning around in his arms and kissing his nose. "I couldn't live without you, my Knight."
"I'll live to be 150 if only to be with you." he said jokingly, kissing her temple and pulling away enough to look in her eyes. "Where's this coming from?"
"You were dead in my dream, I lost you, I lost everything. It was horrible."
"It's just a dream, Cassie," he said, kissing her. "Tell me more about this."
"Well, apparently Katherine hates me because she thinks Harold has feelings for me."
"Oh, he's definitely looked at you. I don't blame him, you're gorgeous."
"Men disgust me."
"Yeah, we're all pigs. But it was just the once with him. I heard Katherine yelling at him the next day. Remember I told you?" he said, propping his head up with his arm.
"No, when?" Cassie asked with a giggle.
"I guess you were too busy admiring my naked body to realize I was talking." he joked, "Much like you're doing now."
"Ha ha. I guess I remember now, between our lovemaking the day after our wedding while I was with Morgana and Gwen, right?"
"Yeah, right. Anything else I should know about?"
"I met some man that said he was 'Keeper of the Tower" and our "destinies were forever entwined.' It's a bunch of nonsense, right?"
"No, it's not. You said the same with Merlin and King Arthur."
"I did not!"
"Well, you said something along those lines." he pointed out. "Is he good looking? This 'Keeper,' I mean?"
"Not like you." she said teasingly, getting on top of him and kissing him. "But I suppose one might consider him handsome."
"You like him?" he asked searchingly.
"Are you putting me in a corner with these questions?" she asked him, leaning back and looking down at him with a tilted head.
"No, I want to know. I want you happy, do you like him?"
"I barely know him. What am I saying? It was just a dream." Cassie said.
"No, this is a dream, Cass. You know it." Owaine answered, sitting up and grabbing her around the waist, kissing her neck lightly. "So? This 'Keeper,' is he a keeper?" he joked.
"Stop it Owaine, this isn't funny. You're not dead, you're here. You're in me." Cassie said, looking at him angrily and getting off him.
"I'm sorry Cassie, it is a dream." he said, taking her hand gently. "Just look around you, there's nothing here."
"No, no you're not gone. You can't be gone!" Cassie said, looking around at the blackness of everything and seeing him start to fade. "Please, Owaine, please don't go! I love you, we're meant to be together forever, please. You promised! Owaine, you swore we'd never be apart!" she said, running towards him, but watching as he got farther away with every step and her swollen, pregnat belly shrunk.
"I love you. I'm sorry." he said, blowing her a kiss lovingly before he faded away and she woke up with a start, tears streaming down her face.
"No!" she cried out, clutching the covers to her chest and sobbing into the empty room, ignoring the knock from the other side of the door.
"My Lady, are you alright?" Sarah asked timidly as she entered the room and found her in a heap on the floor, her frame shaking from the quiet sobs.
"I want to be alone." Cassie said without bothering to be courteous.
"Lady Eleanor wanted to speak with you, my Lady." Sarah said, walking further into the room and opening the curtains and window and serving her a goblet of water.
"I don't care. Just leave me alone!" Cassie said, swiping the goblet away with the back of her hand and glaring at the servant girl.
"Yes, my Lady." she said quickly, backing out the door and rolling her eyes at the former royal.
"You wanted to see me, Ellie?" Cassie asked a few hours later, her eyes swollen from the crying.
"Yeah, I did. Come in." Ellie said from where she sat on the floor playing with her daughter. "I-I wanted to talk to you."
"What about?" Cassie asked, sitting down next to her and smiling unconsciously as her niece crawled up to her and began babbling incoherently.
"Well, I-I wanted to talk to you about something. I, erm, how are you?"
"As expected, Elle. You?"
"Much better than you are. I have my baby." she said, whisking her daughter over to her and smiling at her giggles as she tickled her.
"How is she?"
"Confused. She doesn't know why she doesn't see her father. And she sees you so sad that it makes her sad."
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean it." Cassie said, looking down guiltily.
"No, don't be. Cassie, we've both lost them, I know how you feel. To tell you the truth, I'd hate to be in your position. I wouldn't- I wouldn't even get out of bed. You're strong, Cassie. So much stronger than I could ever be."
"You give me too much credit, Ellie." Cassie said, shaking her head and rolling the ball back and forth with baby Ellie.
"No, I don't. I admire you, Cassie. So much. It's not fair!" she said, quickly wiping away her tears before her daughter could see.
"I wish I was as strong as you are, Ellie. I haven't been able to stop crying for one second! You, you're a rock!"
"Only because I have to be. Only because you haven't seen me at night when Elaine's asleep." she said, whispering to hide the crack in her voice from the baby girl.
"Ellie-"
"I have something to tell you. I hate the timing, Cassie. I hate that you don't have the happiness you so dearly deserve."
"Ellie, what are you getting at?"
"I'm with child, Cassie. I-I didn't know until after they- I'm so sorry."
"Ellie, why are you sorry? Do you think I'm so selfish I wouldn't be happy for you?" Cassie asked, moving forward to sit closer. "I am happy for you. Pellinore would have been so happy."
"Yeah." Ellie said with a small smile, hugging the younger blonde and crying into her shoulder. "I miss them so much, Cassie. I hate that you lost your child while I didn't. I would give anything for you to be happy."
"Oh, Ellie. Don't say that. I want you to be happy. You deserve this." Cassie said, holding in her tears and putting on a brave face as she hugged her sister-in-law. "I am truly happy for you."
"I wish I were! But everytime I picture holding my baby, I just see that I'm alone, that Pell's not with me!" Ellie whispered, sobbing quietly so as not to scare her daughter. "And then I look at Elaine and all I see is his smile and it hurts so much."
"Shh, don't cry. Babies are sympathetic criers. Go on, shh." Cassie said, rubbing circles on Elliie's back and rocking her back and forth. "Calm down."
"I'm… so… sorry. I d-don't know what's gotten into me." Ellie said, sniffling. "Please, don't leave me alone. I don't want to be alone." she said pitifully, looking at Cassie pleadingly.
"Of course I won't. Come on, you should get some rest. I'll put Ellie to sleep in a bit, don't worry. Go on." Cassie said softly, putting some magic behind her words and plastering a fake smile on her face. One Eleanor saw through right away.
"I'll go to sleep but only because I can hardly keep my eyes open. A-are you sure you're okay with me?" she asked shyly, stopping shy of the bed and looking at her with wide eyes.
"Ellie, you're my sister. I am well and truly happy for you. In but a few months you will be a mother once again, and I'll be right there for you as I was with Alys. I am happy for you. Get some rest, okay?"
"Okay." she said, stifling a yawn and laying down on the bed while Cassie picked Ellie up and walked over to the bed. "Let's put mummy to sleep now, yeah?" she cooed, bouncing the child on her hip and leaning down to pull the covers up as Eleanor fell asleep quickly. "There? Isn't that fun?" she asked, going out the door to take a walk around the manor with the child and let Ellie get some rest.
"It's getting late, Cassie. Shouldn't she be in bed by now?"
"I don't think she wants to sleep, Mor." Cassie said, looking guiltily at him. "I tried, but she just won't sleep. And I don't want to wake Ellie up for this. She needs her rest."
"Oh?" he said, taking the child from her arms and smiling down at her. "Perhaps some fresh air will do her good, then. Come on, I'll keep you company. Alys and the twins are fast asleep."
"Yeah, sure." Cassie said, following him through the manor and out the doors silently.
"Can I ask you something personal?" Mor asked suddenly, cradling the baby girl to his chest as she looked at them in awe.
"You can ask." Cassie said hesitantly.
"You and Owaine… was this your first child?" he asked as they sat on a bench facing the gardens, their backs to the towering manor behind them.
"Yeah, it was." Cassie said sullenly, looking up at the stars.
"I remember when Alys and I first- when we lost our first child. She was bereaved. Heartbroken. As was I." he said as he looked up into the air and sighed. "This last time, when we found out we were terrified she wouldn't carry to term."
"I know, Alys spoke with me quite a lot. She wrote to me as well." Cassie answered softly, her voice thick.
"But she did. And it's thanks to you, Cassie. We owe you so much. And it kills me everytime I see you holding in your tears. I love you, Cassie."
"Mor, I don't think you shou-"
"Not like that. I was just teasing you earlier. Like a sister. Like family. You know you can speak with us. Anytime you want. It helps. Believe me." he said, chuckling as the child pressed in closer to him and smiled.
"I know, thanks."
"We should go inside, it's getting cold." he said, standing up and offering her his arm.
"I think I'll stay here a while. The fresh air is doing me good."
"Don't stay out too late, Cass. You'll get ill." he said, squeezing her shoulder and walking inside.
"I won't," she said with a forced smile, staring at the ground as he left. "No matter how much I wanted to, I didn't die." Cassie whispered to the air once she thought Mor had gone, breaking down into quiet sobs and letting her head fall onto her chest as she stayed in silence for a moment longer. "I don't want to be alone, but I only want to be with you, my Knight. I hate Uther for taking you from me. I hate Arthur and whoever conjured that accursed wraith. I hate myself. I wish I could make you come back to me. I wish I could have you here with me. I need you, Owaine. I'm not strong enough to be alone again." Cassie whispered with shaky breaths, her voice catching at the end. "I can't be alone again."
"You don't have to be, darling." Morrigan said softly, sitting down beside her and smiling as she looked up at the manor against the darkness. "I saw you out here alone, thought you might need some company. I overheard everything." she said, taking her hand and twisting slightly to look at Cassie.
"I'm sorry. You weren't meant to." Cassie said, her face red and her voice thick.
"I figured." Morrigan said softly. "Listen, you will be happy again, eventually. You can't give up, Cassie."
"Ellie's with child, did you know?" Cassie asked in a quiet voice, looking at Morrigan with tears streaming down her face.
"No, I didn't." she answered softly, squeezing Cassie's hand in hers and patting it lightly. "I'm sorry."
"I don't want to be selfish. I want to be happy for her. But…"
"It's hard, I know. But you will be happy. Not today, not tomorrow, perhaps not even in a month. But you will be happy. You can't hate yourself for something out of your control."
"I could have stopped him. Drugged him and kept him from fighting. Used my magic to help him win. He'd still be alive if I wasn't such a coward."
"Cassie, if you had stopped him, if you had used your magic to cheat for him he would have hated it. He would have thought you thought him a coward, he would have changed and so would you. You would have been miserable."
"No change there then. I am miserable." Cassie muttered darkly.
"Cassie, I know you miss him. I miss him too. But you need to talk about it." Morrigan told her softly.
"All I've been doing is talking!" Cassie cried indignantly. "I don't want to talk anymore! I don't want to cry anymore! I don't want to feel anymore!" Cassie yelled at her, looking down at her lap in surprise at her outburst. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have yelled at you."
"Then yell, do whatever you want, but don't bottle it up. I don't want to see you like this. No one does. You're usually the brightest person in the room, now you're like a star that's burnt out. You used to be so full of life, Cassie. But your grief has taken over, you can't let that happen. Please, Cassie, don't let this loss kill your spirit. Because that's the worst thing that could ever happen. Grieve, but don't become so consumed by it that you lose yourself in the process." Morrigan told her gently, lifting her face with a gentle hand and looking at her with soft, sad eyes. "I've lost two sons already, don't make me lose a daughter, too."
"I don't want you to, Morrigan. I'm trying so hard to… I don't know, I don't want to not be happy, but I just can't bring myself to it. I haven't felt like this in years, not since I lost my family. And even then, it didn't feel like this. I didn't feel this hopeless."
"You're not hopeless, Cassie. I understand you loved him dearly, I know you lost almost everything you hold dear. Almost. Cassie, you still have us, you have your friends. You are not alone. You never will be alone." she said, standing up and walking around the stone bench to face Cassie. "We will always be here for you. Do not forget that." she added, pulling Cassie to her feet and hugging her tightly. "Get some rest, you need to sleep or you'll get sick."
"Everytime I close my eyes he's there. And then he leaves me. I don't want to keep losing him over and over again. Please don't make me." Cassie said through sobs, refusing to move from where she stood, her lips trembling and her eyes lost, like that of a helpless animal.
"Oh, Cassie. It'll get easier, and it'll get better. Time heals all. Even a broken heart. I want you to remember that." Morrigan said, stopping her futile efforts to move her and bringing her in for a tight hug. "You will get happier, it will get easier. You're just going to have to trust me on that."
"It doesn't feel like it. It feels like it gets worse every day. I miss him more every day." Cassie told her in a quivering voice.
"Cassie, you're eventually going to move on. The hard part is deciding to. I know it's the worst feeling, I know it's hard, but it's necessary. And the moment you decide to move past the grief, you will feel so much better, Cassie." Morrigan told her, smiling at her in melancholy and wrapping her arms around her. "Come on, I won't leave you alone." she said softly, steering her gently as she walked into the manor.
"I-I'll be fine, Morrigan, I don't want to be a burden." Cassie said as they walked through the empty corridors.
"You're not a burden, Cassie. Far from it. I want to do this. You're my daughter, after all." Morrigan said in a cracking voice, wiping away the tears with a delicate finger and smiling.
"Thank you. For saying that, but… I lost my mother years ago, Morrigan. As much as I want you to be, you aren't." Cassie said in a small voice and hovering in the doorway. "I don't want to be mean. I don't want to-"
"Cassie. I understand perfectly. I'm not trying to replace her. I would never do that. But you married my son, you are my daughter and I love you like one. I don't need you to call me 'Mother,' all I want is your happiness. I know it seems like it would never be possible for you to be happy again, but you will be. I promise. Get some rest, Cassie. I'll be right here." Morrigan told her, laying her down on the bed and gently closing her eyes. "Sleep, my daughter. It's what you need right now."
"I'm worried about Ellie." Cassie whispered, her voice weary. "She's trying so hard to not break down in front of her daughter, all she does is smile and play with her. You should check on her."
"I will, thank you for telling me." Morrigan said, kissing her temple and laying in the chaise by the fireplace with a small blanket and closing her eyes.