Chapter 81 I don't own Merlin! Hope I did. Wish I could blink a few times and poof! My own personal army of hot men right in front of my very eyes, loyal and waiting to grant my every whim. Of any manner. ;D

Cassie walked through the manor with her eyes on the floor, ignoring the few surreptitious looks from some of the other Ladies admiring her mantilla. She walked towards her chambers and stopped a few feet shy of her door, taking in a few deep breaths and trying hard not to break down where everyone could see. Glad that her mantilla covered her face, Cassie let a few stray tears fall down her cheeks while she leaned her head back against the wall.

"Cassie, my dear! You're back! I trust your journey was uneventful." Gaius said as he wound his way down the hall, stopping in front of her with a faltering smile. "Are you alright? What's the matter?"

"I don't think I can go inside." Cassie whispered in a shaky breath.

"Come, I'll send someone to bring your clothes up to your quarters in the physician's tower." he said understandingly, gently steering her along with him.

"I wish I could turn back time." Cassie said quietly as they walked side by side through the castle.

"Don't we all, my Lady." Gaius replied. "The things I would do differently if I knew then what I know now," he lamented.

"Thank you for escorting me back, Gaius. I think I'd like to get some rest now. Excuse me." Cassie said with a polite smile, turning into her chambers and tearing up as her mind filled with the memories she held of her time with Owaine here.

"If you need anything, I'm just a shout away." Gaius told her, closing the door with a soft click.

"Why can't you be here, my love?" Cassie spoke into the empty room, leaning back against the door and sliding onto the floor as she thought back to the night so long ago that Owaine broke down in that exact position.

"How do you choose to wield it, Cassie? I've been taught all my life that magic corrupts and controls. How?" Owaine muttered defeatedly.

"How do I choose?" she thought bitterly, as she remembered throwing a book on necromancy aside in the Tower and was tempted to use it.

"It's the heart of the one who wields the power that decides, Owaine. Someone with a pure heart, an innocent soul, could have all the power in the world and only use it to help others." Cassie finished, looking at him with soft, doting eyes.

"A pure heart, an innocent soul…" she said softly, any temptation on that type of magic instantly squelched as her heart burned in longing.

"Cassie. I-I." Owaine stopped, overcome by emotions.

"Shh." Cassie whispered, not letting him talk. "You don't have to."

"But I do." he said, looking at her tearfully. "I've killed so many. I thought what I was doing was right. I thought I was saving them." she heard his voice as if they were both sitting with their backs against the door, tears flowing down her face as the sun filtered in through the windows.

"You were following orders. You don't have to apologise to me, Owaine." she said softly, not looking away from him.

"What are the consequences? If you don't use magic."

"I get sick."

"I get sick if I use it and if I don't. So what's the point?" she asked herself bitterly, her head lolling to the side as the memory continued.

"What do you mean?" Owaine asked,

"When I was six, my magic got away from me. We were playing in the square and then it decided to lift one of the council members to the top of a tree nearby. He was furious, and after he got down, he marched to the palace and I overheard him say to another council member that something had to be done about me. That I had to be sent away, disinherited for practising magic. Magic isn't part of the Catholic religion. It's a pagan religion." Cassie began slowly. "I was so afraid of losing my family that I forced it down. Whenever it reached out and wanted to play I'd ignore it. Sometimes I would repel it forcefully. It worked, for a while. But then it started to show up in nightmares." she said anxiously.

"I've already lost my family. Twice. What's the point in fighting?" she said to herself quietly, staring at the wood and trying to make sense of everything.

"This one time, I had a nightmare so bad the magic seeped out of me and set the curtains on fire. I was terrified of it. And my magic responded in kind, it was terrified of me. Every day I could feel it receding, just curling in on itself in fear, but that just made me more afraid. And then one day, several months later, I woke up and it felt like it was gone. And I was left empty, bereft. Cold. I didn't want to get out of bed, I didn't want to eat, and when my mother noticed she realised that I had a fever. But I didn't feel hot. The physician tried everything, but no remedy he had worked. And one day, a passing healer looked in on me and within the minute said what my problem was. I wouldn't use my magic. I forced it down and locked it up and it was making me sick. She said that I had to use it, I couldn't keep it down, and I shouldn't let it build up. Edurne, that was her name, offered to stay and help me learn how to control it. My mother thanked her, saying it was what was best for me. And I obediently learned. I had to." Cassie shrugged as if it was no big deal. "Eventually, I stopped being afraid of it. Started to recognize it as a part of me. Now, magic is as much a part of me as my blood. I suppose it always was." Cassie finished gingerly.

"As you are, my Knight." Cassie said absently, closing her eyes and letting out a heartbroken sob when she saw the moment the blade cut through his body again. "As you were."

"If you had grown up here, in Camelot, King Uther would have had you drowned, killed. And the knights would have done so. Without question. He ordered, we did. I honestly thought that I was doing it to help them. To release them from the darkness." he choked out.

"Owaine, stop it. Stop thinking like this. You'll only become bitter. You can't change what's already been done. But you can forgive yourself. Please." Cassie pleaded, looking deep into the haunted eyes of the man she loved.

"Perhaps that's what I need. To stop thinking." Cassie muttered, trying to stop the memory playing in her head and failing.

"You speak of your magic as if it's a friend, like it has its own personality." Owaine observed after a few minutes of just looking into each other's eyes.

"I was three, my siblings didn't really play with me, they had their own friends and pastimes. I was largely alone, so I entertained myself. My magic was my friend for years. It reacted to my emotions and it was always there for me." Cassie explained with a shrug of her shoulders.

"I still remember how it felt before I knew how to direct it, the warm prickling feeling beneath my skin before it left me. I used to love making colored bubbles and images in the fire dance. My favourite was making the candles float. My brothers hated it! They feared something would catch fire, but I loved seeing the flames dance in the air." Cassie said with a nostalgic smile, moving to sit beside Owaine.

"Can you show me?" Owaine asked, curiosity blazing in his eyes.

"Sure. flēotaþ, heofoncandelum" Cassie smiled, her eyes turning to gold for a moment before returning to their normal blue. Owaine looked in wonder as the candles that had been lit earlier in the evening danced around in the air, floating around the room in pairs to a waltz.

She chuckled as she watched the candles dance around in her memory, smiling as she remembered Owaine pulling her up and twirling her around before grunting in pain as he jostled his ankle too much.

Come here, you big lump." Cassie said out loud, following her memory with her eyes closed and smiling as she remembered them falling back to the floor in a fit of giggles and looking into each other's eyes.

"I'm sorry about this morning. I thought you wouldn't forgive me if I let it go any further and followed my-" her memory of him said as he lay down on the hard floor and she mirrored him currently, turning onto her side just as she'd done those many months ago.

"Shut up, Owaine." Cassie said, her finger going up to his lips to stop him from talking as she leaned forward and kissed him.

"I do believe you've just learned how to effectively shut me up, Cassie." Owaine told her with a small smile a few minutes later as they came up for breath.

"If I had, you wouldn't be speaking right now." she replied playfully, her heart light after her fear and sadness from earlier were lifted.

"I wish you were speaking right now." Cassie said tearfully, her hands balling into fists as she sat up. "I wish you were right here beside me, holding me and making sure I wasn't sad."

She sat there until her back ached and her bum fell asleep, letting the tears run silently down her face and letting her mind replay her memories of Owaine as she just stared numbly at the grain of the wooden floor. It was well into the night when she stood up and walked over to her old bedchamber, opening the door and looking down at the floor as she remembered the many nights they'd spent there; talking, sleeping, laughing, Laying in his sweet embrace, biting her lip to keep from calling out too loudly as his fingers worked wonders on her, falling asleep with her head on his chest. Falling in love with him over and over again. She walked to the bed and lay down on top of the covers, bringing her knees up to her chest and closing her eyes to the last memory she had of the two of them in there before they married.

"So, are you ever going to tell me what has you so upset?" he asked her with a gentle kiss on her neck as he brushed her hair back.

"Just one of the Ladies said something." Cassie answered vaguely, turning her head deeper into her pillow.

"Cass, tell me about it." Owaine encouraged gently, his fingers entwining in hers as he squeezed her hand gently.

"Lady Elizabeth said something about my behaviour." Cassie told him softly. "She said I behave like a peasant. Cavorting with the people of the lower town, the way I behave with you when we're in public. She made it sound like I have no business being here."

"My Queen, she only wishes to be half as beautiful and charismatic as you. She's jealous. It's as simple as that." he assured her, turning her onto her back and leaning over her.

"I doubt it, Owaine."

"Her family's in financial trouble, her brother's been shamed, their honour in tatters. All she has is her connections at Court and even those are dwindling. She's jealous you've come in from the forest and snatched the handsomest knight." he said, looking at her in fake pride as he finished playfully.

"Really? I had no idea Sir Agloval was mine. Perhaps I can trap him into marriage now that I know." Cassie replied just as playfully, smiling as he huffed indignantly at the mocking affront and lay back down on his back.

"I'll have you know, I am far more handsome than that Sir Agloval is. There's no grey on my head."

"Hmm, no there's not." she said with twinkling eyes, her hand going up to his temple and twirling a lock of hair around her slender finger. "I think it makes him seem rather… suave." Cassie said, winking at him and laughing as his hand went up to cover hers and he adopted a pensive visage.

"There's always lemon juice."

"Yes, then you'll be burnt and blonde." Cassie replied, leaning over him and kissing him lightly. "A little sunburn here, some peeling there, and a very bruised ego here." she said, kissing his temple, nose and lips as she spoke. "And a very soothing fiancée to help you with those injuries."

"Don't mock me, Cassie." he said, flipping over so that he was on top of her again and taking her lips in his. "Might make me very upset with you."

"We wouldn't want that now, would we?" Cassie told him with mirthful eyes, smiling up at him.

"Feeling better?"

"I can think of a few ways you can make me feel even more better."

"Your English needs even more better practice." he teased, biting her lower lip and letting his hands roam over her body searchingly.

"Well, that certainly wasn't what I had in mind, you correcting my manner of speaking. No, I was thinking more along the lines of…" Cassie replied, her hands quickly stopping his from roaming any closer to her nether regions and leaning up to whisper into his ear. "You giving me a back massage."

"Oh, you're such a tease." Owaine replied, acquiescing and letting her turn onto her stomach before climbing back on top of her and rubbing the kinks out of her back. "A tense tease."

"I blame you, Owaine. I get tense everytime I'm with you."

"There's an easy solution to that." he whispered huskily, his breath hot against her ear as his hands slowly worked their way down.

"Not until we're married, my love." Cassie replied, closing her eyes and sighing contently.

"You'll just have to wait a month, my culver." he said, leaning back up and letting his eyes devour the smooth skin of her back. "A month too long." he muttered, smiling seductively as his hands focused on her lower back and his mind wandered farther south.

"I can practically hear you thinking about it, my Knight. Play your cards right and you just might be able to…. release your tension in another manner." Cassie told him in a silky voice.

"Just say the word, my love, and I'll do as you wish." he said in a breathy voice, his fingers working their way into her and relishing the hot, slick feel of her as he moved them in and out.

"You already are." she replied, her voice just as breathy as his while his hands pleased her.

Cassie gathered her skirts and hastened out the door through the empty castle, the moonlight filtering in through the many windows and illuminating her pale face as she walked through them. It appeared to be well past midnight, the servants were all gone and the castle empty of the guards who were on their nightly patrol. She walked with the sole purpose of breaking free of the gilded prison she felt she was trapped in, the stone walls pressing down on her. She walked quickly, her panic starting to show as she took quick shallow breaths that got harder to do with every second she spent inside, tears streaming down her face as her chest constricted. Only when she finally got to the door at the top of the stairs to the battlements could she begin to feel her racing heart calm down and her breathing deepen. She quickly muttered the words to unlock the door under her breath and closed it behind her, leaning her back against the smooth grain of the wood. Once she'd calmed down she walked the length of the battlements slowly, her knees weak and her eyes turned up at the stars as her thoughts rattled around her head.

"What's wrong with me?" Cassie asked herself out loud, letting her head drop into her hands and crying for a good half hour. When her tears ran out and her eyes burned, Cassie sat down and leant against the stone wall, her head lolling to the side as she closed her eyes and sighed broken-heartedly. At some point, she fell asleep because the next thing she knew she was back in her chambers, blanket up around her chin and no one else in sight.

"My Lady? Is everything alright? It's very early." a serving girl asked as she saw her walk past slowly.

"Yes, thank you. I just needed some air." Cassie answered, automatically, trying to smile sweetly at the girl who returned her smile and walked away, looking back worriedly.

Cassie walked around aimlessly until she found herself in the armoury looking at the rack of swords. She acted instinctively and grabbed the nearest sword, tying it to her hip and walking out to the training fields where she began the complex dance of parries and thrusts she'd learned from observing her brothers training.

"It's an interesting technique." Leon said from behind her, watching as she dropped the sword to her side and wiped the sweat from her brow with the back of her hand.

"I thought it was early enough you wouldn't be out here." Cassie said apologetically, sheathing the sword and handing it to him.

"It is. I am training the squires this week." Leon answered as he held quivers and bows out. "Target practice, I've come to set the field up for them."

"But you have night duty, why would you be doing all of it? When do you sleep?"

"During the day. Where'd you learn to fight like that?"

"My brothers." Cassie answered after taking a drink of water from the waterskin Leon held out.

"They taught you?" he asked, surprised.

"No, I hid and watched them train, and then I started to copy their movements and then I learned." Cassie answered with a shrug, giving the skin back to him.

"Just watching doesn't make a good fighter. I'm sure they fought with you every so often." Leon told her, watching her carefully.

"Not of their own accord." Cassie answered, smiling melancholically. "I either bribed or tricked them into it."

"That does sound like you." Leon told her with a chuckle. "Can I ask you something?"

"You just did." Cassie told him, a ghost of a smile on her lips. "You may ask me something else."

"What do you see when you look at the stars?"

"My past. My memories. My constant companion?" Cassie answered, not sure what to tell him. "I was the youngest, even my nieces and nephews were older than me. Or much, much younger. There was never anyone I could really talk to other than my mother. And she was busy all the time with matters of the Court. None of the other girls my age wanted much to do with me, so I stayed in the battlements and just spoke to the air. To the stars. To myself. Why?"

"I saw you last night, from the other end of the stretch. You just stayed there in silence… Crying." Leon answered, his hand going up to rub the back of his neck nervously. "But it's not like that now. You've got Lady Morgana and Guinevere. And me. You can always talk to me." he added, changing the subject

"Yeah." Cassie said with a small shrug looking down at her feet. "Maybe I just wanted to make sense of everything. I don't know."

"Did you?" Leon asked, lifting her face with his two fingers gently.

"Make sense of it?" Cassie asked, seeing his small nod. "No. All I did was cry and fall asleep. I'm tired of it."

"Of sleeping?" Leon joked, eliciting a soft laugh.

"Of crying. Of not being able to think of anything else." Cassie said, stepping away and crossing her arms.

"Maybe you just need to get away. For a little bit. To someplace that won't remind you of him. It might help you heal." Leon told her, not moving an inch as he recognised her lack of comfort around him.

"And where would I go? Everywhere I know reminds me of him." Cassie asked, turning around and looking at him with vulnerable eyes.

"That… I do not know. Weren't you making the veils for the ladies? To occupy your mind." Leon asked her, hesitating between what he wanted to do and what was proper.

"Yes, I finished them all. I have nothing to do but sit and stare and think. And I just don't want to think." Cassie told him, closing her eyes and walking over to the wooden barriers to lean against. "I don't know what I should think. How I should act. How I should feel."

"I don't think anyone can tell you the answers to that, Cassie. No one should tell you what to think or feel. It takes away who you are." Leon told her softly, standing in front of her and taking her hand. "And I like who you are."

"Can you tell me who I am?" Cassie asked him in a whisper.

"You are a loyal friend whose heart has just been shattered. But your heart will heal in time; your smile will stop being forced, your eyes will light up again. And you'll once more become the girl who makes everyone smile. That's all you really need to know." Leon told her, gazing steadily into her eyes.

"So I'm a friend who makes you smile? I'm nothing more?" Cassie asked him, returning his gaze.

"To me? Or to all of us?" Leon asked her, his heart hammering in his chest as hope began to ignite within him.

"Forget it." Cassie said, looking away and wiping the tears that fell down her cheeks away quickly.

"Cassie-" Leon started, closing his eyes and shaking his head as she walked away without looking back and letting her go reluctantly.

"Cassie? Are you okay?" Gwen asked worriedly as they crossed paths in the corridor. "Come, talk to me. What's wrong?"

"Everything." Cassie whispered, holding back the tears and looking at Gwen. "I- I don't know."

"Come, Morgana's not awake yet, we can speak in the servant's chambers attached to her room." Gwen said kindly, wrapping her arm around the younger girl and steering her up the stairs and into the room. "What's wrong?"

"Is it wrong for me to have fee-" Cassie started, closing her eyes and taking a deep breath. "I don't know how to feel. I don't know how I should feel and just now I thought I felt something, but then it was gone and I felt so sad. I don't want to feel anymore. But then if I don't feel anymore, what's the point in living?" Cassie asked, talking quickly before she lost her nerve.

"Cassie, are you thinking of what I think you're thinking of?" Gwen asked worriedly, looking her with wide eyes,

"What?" Cassie asked in a shaking voice.

"Cassie, you sound like you're thinking of taking your life." she said, aghast.

"What?! No! That's- I-I wouldn't! It's the coward's way out. I am cowardly but I'm not a coward. And I-I-I'm not talking about that!" Cassie answered with wide fearful eyes. "I would never take my life! I swore to Pellinore I would never do that, and I plan on honouring my word to him!"

"So what are you trying to say?" Gwen asked in a relieved voice, her eyes gentle.

"I just… I need to know when I'll understand what I'm feeling. I'm so confused right now."

"Cassie." Gwen started, her hands going up and tucking some hair behind Cassie's ear. "There's no answer to that. Some people grieve in some ways, and others grieve in other ways. No one person will ever feel the same way as anyone else."

"So how do I know what I should do?" Cassie asked her in a soft voice, looking down at her lap and the wet spots from where her tears had wet the fabric.

"Do you want my opinion and observations?" Gwen asked her, continuing at the shy nod. "I think the only mistake you've made is staying alone. Spend the day with us today, you don't even need to speak, bring some fabric and thread and work on your embroidery. Or a book to read. Just sit with us."

"Okay." Cassie said, sniffling slightly and nodding her head. "I'll just go get a book from my chambers."

"I'll tell Morgana." Gwen said with a smile. "Cassie?"

"Yes?"

"You're sure you would never… You know you can talk to us. At any time, day or night. Just, know you're loved, okay?" Gwen said, twisting her fingers nervously.

"I would never take my life, Gwen. No matter how much it hurts." Cassie said, looking at her through red-rimmed eyes. "I'm no coward."