It was always the same.
Every day was the same. She was still not sure how long it had been, but it felt like an eternity.
It didn't matter anyway. This was just… her life now. Her life without him. Wallowing in the memories and regrets endlessly, constantly thinking about the things she didn't do, thinking about what she would never again be able to do and about what she missed while she was just… asleep.
It was still hard to believe. She was just… out of it the entire time when this happened to him. She still didn't know what happened. And it was starting to come to her mind more and more often, unfortunately. Raven began to ask. He was careful and not pushy about it, but still… she wished he hadn't.
Did the assassins do that? Like they did in Morthal when Bishop let himself be kidnapped? Did they put her to sleep through that?
How could she be so useless against them? How could she always fail to protect him from them?
What good was she when she failed when it mattered the most? When she didn't even try?
Ugh. She wanted Raven to come back. He was once again talking to someone outside and she always felt strange when he was gone. Like everything was a little worse. His silent presence at least created a slightly uplifting illusion that she wasn't entirely alone.
She regretted those thoughts soon enough though. She only wanted Raven back here. But when he did come back, he wasn't on his own. A familiar visitor was right in his tow with a pitiful expression on her face.
"Hey, girl," Sapphire tried to give her a weak smile. What was she doing here? Raven didn't let people inside.
"Hey," Aeyrin mumbled, averting her eyes. She felt weird. Ashamed. She didn't feel that way around Raven, even though the evidence was plainly there – she was a complete wreck. She wasn't sure how she actually looked, but she was definitely unkempt. She also kept wearing Raven's baggy clothes because the smell on hers was too much – either smoke on her outfit or Bishop's scent on the shirt she used to sleep in. And the equipment splayed carefully about the room and the fact that she was just in bed in the middle of the day were possibly quite telling too.
Not so telling to tell it all though. Did Sapphire know?
"Fuck. I don't know what to say," she sighed, shaking her head incredulously. "It's a fucking shame."
"You told her?" Aeyrin couldn't help but scowl a little at Raven. She didn't want people to know. She didn't want more pity looks and she didn't want to explain anything.
Before Raven could react, Sapphire interjected.
"He did, but don't blame him. We… uhm… people saw you come here, upset. And we knew you've been here a while. Some of us in the Guild were worried and pried. What… happened to him?" Sapphire looked uncertain as she asked.
Aeyrin was dreading the question. It was bad enough when Raven wrote it, but hearing it seemed even worse.
She could only shake her head as her throat constricted unpleasantly.
"That's… alright. It's fine," Sapphire quickly reassured her. "Whatever the fuck it was… he deserved better," she sighed.
'Better than you.'
Aeyrin merely whimpered at the nagging thought in her head. It felt like her heart sank with the weight of it. It was getting worse each time and it was starting to sound disturbingly not like her thoughts but like his voice. She could almost swear she heard it.
"Well… if you want… some of us who knew him better thought… thought he deserved a send-off," Sapphire tried to smile again.
A 'send-off'? The Guild was holding a funeral for Bishop?
'More than you did, leaving like that.'
Right. What kind of send-off would that be? He wasn't here. They didn't have his body or…
"I really think you should come," Sapphire interrupted her thoughts with palpable concern on her face and Raven nodded in accord.
Aeyrin wasn't so sure about that. She didn't want to go out and see people. She didn't want to deal with the looks of pity and with the questions. She didn't want to leave the bed. And… she didn't want to send him off. Even if whatever thoughts there were of him just caused her pain, the idea of even attempting to get some closure was more than painful.
Seeing her expression, Raven stepped over Bishop's equipment with a practiced motion and settled down next to her on the bed, finding some room by the wolf resting lifelessly there. He wrapped his arm around her shoulder and squeezed her closer while his free hand placed his pad on his thigh and grabbed his charcoal.
.
I'll make sure people will leave you be, but please come. It will be good for everyone, I promise.
.
How could it be good? How could saying goodbye be good?
She wanted to trust Raven. He knew what he was doing, right? But it just felt wrong.
Still, both his and Sapphire's eyes seemed to bore into her. It was heart-wrenching. Why did they want her to come? What did it matter to them?
But she couldn't stand it. She knew it would be worse when she did actually go, but she just couldn't stand even the milder discomfort now. And what did it matter? Everything just felt awful anyway, whether she was here or not. What difference did it make?
She let out a defeated sigh and nodded subtly. That seemed to be enough to put a stop to those stares at last.
It didn't really feel any better. And despite how happy Raven seemed, she knew it would only get worse.
It always did.
…
It wasn't getting any easier to be doing things that used to be so simple and mundane before.
She hated that she felt like this. She hated that even having a bath made her just feel bitter and lonely.
'You deserve it for what you've caused.'
And the voice was worse than anything. She couldn't actually hear it, but she knew it sounded like him in her head. It was comforting at first, but now? It was just getting worse and worse. And maybe it was right. Maybe she did deserve it.
With a sigh, she put Raven's clothes again on her wet body. She didn't even feel like she had the energy to dry up with a towel. And now she had to convince herself to ascend the steps up to the main room again.
How she wished she could just go back to bed.
But she already agreed to this.
She walked slowly, maybe because she knew Raven was waiting up there for her eagerly. And of course, when she emerged, she spotted him actually laying out clothes for her on the bed. Her clothes this time, the ones she bought in Skingrad.
With Bishop.
It wasn't the only thing there. Raven wasted no time. A note with an explanation was already lying there on the clothes and he gestured to it with a small encouraging smile. Alright, she should probably read it.
.
I washed them as best I could to get rid of the smoke smell. I didn't think you'd want to walk around the city in my old clothes.
.
Right. Well… what did it matter what she wore? She only shrugged.
But the disappointed look on his face made her relent. She felt like crap for constantly shooting down his attempts at making her happy. Just… how was she supposed to be happy?
But she didn't want him to feel as crappy as she did.
She grabbed the light blue shirt and nodded at him. She wanted to smile, but she had no illusions about managing that. Well… at least Raven looked a little pleased. He promptly stepped over Bishop's equipment to go to the kitchen and let her dress.
She hastily yanked his clothes off herself and put on her old ones. It felt… strange. Like it was supposed to feel like it should, but it didn't. She wasn't even making much sense to herself.
With another sigh, she walked to the kitchen again where Raven and Karnwyr were waiting for her. When Karnwyr spotted her, he just slowly got up from the floor with his head still hung low and he walked over to her side, ready to go wherever she went, just… not exactly energetically. Perhaps he mirrored her own state of mind.
Raven appeared much more eager. Why did he want to go there so much? She didn't.
But she already agreed.
Resignation swept over her as she followed him outside at last.
It'd been ages since she left the house from this side. At least she thought it'd been ages. She wasn't actually sure. She hated it though. But then again, what didn't she hate lately?
Once again, she knew people stared at her. She wasn't sure why – did she just look destitute? Or did they see her before, walking through the city in tears? Or did everyone hear? She didn't actually know. And… she didn't really care. So they stared. So what? It couldn't really be worse than what it already was. How did some stupid fucking stares compare to the worst thing that could ever happen?
Raven seemed wary of the looks though. He led her through the streets carefully, steering her away from larger crowds. Why did he bother? It didn't matter.
Now she just felt crappy again for not being appreciative of his sensitivity and efforts. He kept squeezing her hand, wrapping his arm around her reassuringly. He even seemed to be trying to encourage Karnwyr by rubbing him behind his ear on occasion.
Bishop used to do that.
Ugh. She just wanted all this to be over with.
After some maneuvering on Raven's part, they finally ended up at the… cemetery. Was that ironic? She didn't even think about them having to come through here, even though she should have known that fact. She'd been here before many times.
She wasn't even sure if it was disturbing or not. Everything was just… messed up.
Raven did some things she wasn't paying attention to in order to reveal the hidden entrance and there it was. More people. Great.
Before they got in though, Raven scribbled another note for her.
.
I told Sapphire to make sure people don't bother you with questions. I know you don't want to talk about it.
.
That was sweet of him. She nodded and then she was instantly swept up by another wave of guilt for only doing that. He was trying so hard. Why couldn't she appreciate it?
'What's wrong with you?'
She felt her eyes tear up at those words and she blinked them away rapidly. She never thought she would hear it from him in that tone, without a hint of concern. Just disdain.
Luckily she was soon able to hide her distress in the darkness of the tunnel leading into the cistern. And by the time they reached the inhabited portion of the complex, she managed to compose herself a little at least.
The place looked… odd.
Not everyone was there. It seemed like only those who were at least somewhat close to Bishop and wanted to pay their respects were there. That made the place feel emptier than usual, but had a more intimate atmosphere. The large glowing orb in the center of the room was covered with dark sheets, either to dim the light or to… uhm… decorate? There were candles around the central circle and in the middle of it, there was a small table with a bowl on it. Aeyrin wasn't sure what that was for.
She kind of caught a glimpse of who was there, but she tried not to look at people much. She mostly clung to Raven as he led her forth. Everyone was uncomfortably quiet. They only murmured amongst each other, though for once, she was pretty sure they weren't focused on her. Maybe they did heed Raven's words and were determined to leave her alone. She was kind of relieved about that.
Raven led her towards someone else as she kept staring into the ground, trying not to make eye contact with anyone. Once they stopped though, the reaction was almost automatic and she looked up. Brynjolf nodded at her, but there was a surprising lack of a sympathetic and pitiful smile from him. Good. She would probably break down in tears again if she had to see that.
Instead, he just silently outstretched his hands with two bottles of mead, one for her and one for Raven, clearly.
She didn't really feel like drinking. She didn't feel like doing anything but just… going back to Raven's house. But she didn't want to explain herself either, so she just took the bottle just like Raven did.
"Ready?" Brynjolf asked somberly.
Ready?
How could she be? Was that a serious question? This all felt strange. Wrong. She felt her heart beat a little faster in a strange bout of panic. She didn't want to be here.
'Are you gonna run again like you did that day?'
She suppressed a pained whimper at the voice in her head and averted her eyes again. He wasn't wrong. She just… left him there. She still couldn't believe she just left him there. Just ran. She didn't even try to get him out. She didn't even try to chase after…
"Alright, let's begin," Brynjolf interrupted her thoughts. She wasn't sure how he figured from her lack of response that she was 'ready', but she figured after a spell that he was probably just communicating with Raven.
'This isn't about you.'
No. No, it wasn't. He deserved… he deserved so much more.
Brynjolf began to walk away and she felt Raven take her arm soon and lead her ahead too. She just let him, defeatedly doing whatever he prompted her to do. Just to get this over with.
'Get this over with'. That was what she thought about a send-off for her husband. There was something seriously wrong with her. But she knew that already. Otherwise she would have done something else than… leave.
She kept staring down at her feet until Raven led her to the edge of the central pool. She could see her very distorted reflection in the water there and she promptly looked up. She didn't want to look at herself, even though it was barely anything to see.
Maybe she should just… try and concentrate on what was happening around her.
The rogues were all gathered around the pool with Brynjolf in the center there, by the table with the bowl. She wasn't sure why he was there, but she was tired of thinking about anything and everything. It all just reminded her now of the last time people were gathered here like this, that she saw at least, when Brynjolf announced Karliah's death. There were many more people here back then, but Bishop wouldn't want those that barely knew him here.
Would he even want this at all?
Or was she just trying to make herself feel better by asking herself that? Because she did nothing for him.
"My family," Brynjolf addressed the small crowd somberly.
'He doesn't mean you. You don't belong here. You don't belong anywhere now that I'm gone.'
She blinked away the tears that sprung into her eyes and tried to swallow the knot in her throat, concentrating on Brynjolf again. She just needed to focus on what was happening, not the thoughts. Not the voice. She tried to tell herself that Bishop would never say something like that to her. But what did that matter? What did it matter when he would never say anything real to her ever again? What did it matter when the voice was right anyway?
"Today, we honor one of our fallen," Brynjolf continued, his eyes downcast and head hung low. "It doesn't matter that he did not choose to stay. He was and always will be one of us. He dared to try and drag us away from our tyranny, kicking and screaming, when nobody else would. His actions saved the lives of some of you," he nodded briefly to where Etienne and then Sapphire stood before continuing. "And he helped get us where we are today. We honor him today as a member of our family. To Bishop."
Brynjolf promptly took a sip from his bottle of mead, then he upturned it above the bowl as the other rogues murmured in quiet agreement. It seemed to be some kind of ritual Aeyrin wasn't familiar with. She didn't know if it was a Nordic thing or a Guild thing, but it didn't really matter.
None of it mattered. It wasn't going to bring him back.
'No. But it's more than you did for me.'
It… it was.
When the bottle was empty, Brynjolf made his way from the center, only to be replaced by someone else. Etienne apparently took it upon himself to get in the middle of the room instead. Wait… was everybody going to…?
"I am here today thanks to Bishop," Etienne nodded somberly. "Without him… well… I've spent enough time in Thalmor clutches to know exactly what fate awaited me. I will always be grateful to him. And he will always be part of our family to me. Even though the conflicts in our midst…"
Aeyrin was pretty sure Etienne kept talking, but she gradually stopped perceiveing the words. They were replaced by a strange hum, obscuring every sound. She barely even saw him take a sip from his own bottle and pour it into the bowl. Her head felt… fuzzy.
Her attention got drawn to a small note that Raven was showing her.
.
Don't worry, you don't have to say anything.
.
Right. She wasn't part of this. She could barely even process the message. It felt like there was a swarm of bees in her head instead of her brain.
They did all of this for him, saying all these nice things, paying their respects to him. And what did she do?
'You did do something. You're the whole reason I'm dead.'
She was. He was right. It was all because of her. Everyone was here mourning because of her. Bishop was dead because of her.
All of this happened because he kept trying to protect her. From Neeshka, from Sibbi. That was what started all this. It was her fault he got targeted by the Brotherhood.
She barely saw and heard anything. She barely felt the tears running down her cheeks.
She couldn't stay here. She didn't deserve to be here with them.
She felt Raven's hand around her wrist, but she knew she yanked herself away from his grip. She just… ran. Again.
She wasn't sure if anyone was following her, but she hoped they weren't. She would be taking even more. People were supposed to be there to honor Bishop, she didn't want to take that away.
She had taken enough.
She took his life.
…
Aeyrin didn't think this through.
She didn't think at all. She just… ran. On instinct. Just like back then.
And now she was stuck here, in front of Raven's locked house, trying to hide herself from anyone passing, staring at her. She wasn't sure why they were staring. Maybe she was still crying. Maybe she just looked distressed. She didn't care, she just didn't want anyone to look at her and possibly try to talk to her because of that.
She wouldn't be able to hear them anyway. There was still that pressure and hum in her head. Almost turning into a strange high-pitched ringing.
Maybe she could hide somewhere.
Before she could decide though, she heard someone approach. Rush to her, even. She didn't even try to look yet and she flinched.
Leave me alone.
She wasn't sure why she thought that. She realized who it was. It couldn't be anyone but Raven. She didn't want him to leave her alone. Not really. She wanted him to take her home and stay with her. Silently.
That was so selfish. And she just made Raven leave the send-off. She knew he would come after her, didn't she? Why did she do that? Unbelievable.
'As if you hadn't done enough.'
She tried to curl onto herself, maybe just drop to the ground and huddle there, but the wolven whimper and the sudden warmth by her feet interrupted that intention. Karnwyr was there first, trying to comfort her again. She vaguely remembered rushing to the ladder in the cistern just so the wolf wouldn't be able to follow. Raven must have brought him back up. And despite her leaving him too, he was here, warming her in her distress.
'You don't deserve it'.
She knew she didn't. She didn't deserve what happened next either.
Protective arms enveloped her soon as she squirmed by the door uncomfortably. Within moments, she heard a lock click and then she was ushered back. Soon, she felt faint the smell of fish and crackling fire hit her senses. The familiar warmth filling Raven's home.
It was oddly comforting, but she was soon hit with another jolt of guilt at even being a little comforted. She didn't deserve any comfort.
Still, despite those thoughts, she couldn't help but be drawn by it. She disentangled herself from Raven's arms promptly. She may not have been able to see much through the tears in her eyes, but she knew the layout of Bishop's equipment on the floor by heart by now. She just made a few quick strides and crawled back onto the bed without as much as taking her boots off. She was so tired. She didn't even feel like doing that.
If only that bed just swallowed her.
But instead, she felt it dip soon as the wolf jumped up, nuzzling into her side and nudging her with his nose. More low whines escaped him as if he was begging her to stop being like this.
She wished she could. He should not have to be concerned about her. He should be mourning his friend, not trying to make her feel better. She shouldn't feel better.
She killed him.
Another weight dipped the bed soon after.
They should both be back in the cistern. Why did she run? She should have just gritted her teeth and suffered that for them. For Bishop.
Now she was just a burden to everyone around her. She caused them all this grief and she was making them take care of her instead of making peace with their own loss. It wasn't fair.
Raven stayed silent, stroking over her back gently. She couldn't take the silent support for long. She didn't deserve any of it.
"I'm so sorry," she sobbed. She heard Raven shuffle a bit and take out his pad, despite her eyes being closed shut. She could already imagine what it would say. 'You don't have to be sorry.' Of course she did. He would just be trying to be nice. He shouldn't be. Not after all this. "I'm so sorry for being like this. To you, to everyone. I… I don't know how to stop. I don't know how to fix myself."
She didn't hear much through her sobs, but Raven soon shook her shoulder, prompting her to open her eyes. She did so only reluctantly. The words on the note in front of her were blurry, but she could read them eventually. And for some reason, they made her hurt even more.
.
It takes time. You know it takes time. I know it. Just think about being the person Bishop always loved. You're still that person. You just need time.
.
'That's a fucking lie.'
She sobbed a bit again at that voice. It was a lie. And Raven had no idea why. He had no idea what she caused. Maybe if he did, he would stop trying to help her get through this. She didn't deserve to get through this anyway.
"I'm not that person," Aeyrin sniffled. That person would have never left him there. "And he should have never loved me. It's all my fault that he's dead."
There was quiet. She didn't even hear him scribbling. It made her oddly nervous. Didn't she want him to stop comforting her? She didn't even know anymore.
But then it started. His writing sounded even more hurried and somewhat furious. She got so startled by it that she did her best to blink away her tears and peer at his pad as he was still finishing his message.
.
Nobody knows that blame better than me. You know what happened with Jules. But whatever happened to Bishop, whoever did this to him, they don't deserve you taking the blame for them. Ever. Bishop wouldn't want that. Please, trust me. Just tell me what happened. I promise it will help.
.
She sniffled a bit, reading the words. They felt… familiar. They reminded her of Bishop. He always said this. He always hated when self-blame took the guilt away from the real villains. It was… a good point.
Aeyrin braced herself for that voice, telling her that she was just making excuses for herself. But it didn't come. Not in the way it always did. It was just the premonition of it that felt almost equally as bad, but then it felt… a little better. A little better that the actual voice didn't say that to her.
Maybe… maybe Raven had a point. She could try. She did so many things wrong, she could at least try to trust him and let him help her do this right. That was why she came to him, wasn't it? Because he knew all too well what this was like.
She managed to look up and at his face. His brown eyes bore into her so pleadingly. She felt like she hadn't actually seen him in ages. It was all just a haze of tears and her eyes staring at the ground.
She should try. If for no other reason, then not to have all the help and effort he exuded on her part go to waste. She wasn't sure how she would be able to talk about it, but…
She gave him a slow uncertain nod.
…
Maybe Raven had a point. At least a little.
There had been a strange thing weighing her down for such a long time, a burden that just got worse and worse. It was not gone and she was sure that it would never be.
But it did feel a little bit lighter. Light enough for her to get some… clarity.
As she told him everything, from Neeshka, through Sibbi, to the Penitus Oculatus and their schemes, it was like constant reminders of how much Bishop had always worked on keeping the Brotherhood away.
For her. She did cause his death. She would have to live with the fact forever. With the fact that she cost the man she loved so much his life.
But she also saw just how much worse she was making things by not doing anything. The voice was always right. Bishop was willing to risk himself so much for their peace, why didn't she? Why did she run? Why did she spend so much time hiding here?
They had to pay.
She had to make them all pay.
Raven had been so nice. She couldn't even count the number of notes now lying at her feet as they both huddled together, sitting on the bed in an amicable embrace. The messages all kept repeating about how none of this was her fault, how Bishop wouldn't want her to think like that, how she shouldn't shift the blame from those who really killed him. He was partially right. She was at fault, but so were they with their relentless hunt.
Maybe she should pay for making this happen too.
But first, it was their turn.
"Raven?" She broke the silence in the room. It had been there ever since she stopped talking. A long time ago. Even Karnwyr was quiet, just resting on the bed, splayed over both their legs. He wasn't asleep, always looking into the wall in his line of sight with a sad expression on his face.
Raven moved his head a bit to look at her, urging her to continue.
She kind of knew what his reaction would be but… she had to ask. Who else to ask?
"You… you know some things about the Brotherhood, don't you? Like how to contact them or…"
Raven froze. It was… somewhat expected. She could feel him tense up against her. But what else was she supposed to do?
She waited for him to start scribbling in his notebook, but he didn't for a while. He just looked at her with a worried expression on his face. When her gaze continued to bore into him though, insistent, he finally decided to communicate.
.
Please, don't do this. It wouldn't solve anything. You just need time to heal. Not to throw yourself at their blades needlessly.
.
"I'm not… gonna do that," she scowled a bit. Not 'throw herself at anyone's blade'. And not needlessly. She was finally gonna do more than she could make herself do up until now. She was finally not going to just be a disappointment that caused death and pain while others did so much to help her and honor Bishop. "I just… want to help the agents." That was a lie. The agents were useless. They couldn't stop this. They were just as useless as her.
Raven scowled promptly, but he then let out a defeated sigh.
Really? This was easy. She eagerly awaited his response as he let the charcoal dance on the paper.
.
I understand. But I don't know anything. You know more than I do.
.
What? No. That was not possible.
"No. You know everything," she insisted. "You have contacts everywhere and you know everyone in the underworld."
Was he lying? He shook his head at her again with a regretful sigh.
He… seemed sincere. But Aeyrin couldn't help but think he wasn't. He'd always been a good liar.
"Do you think that Brynjolf would…?"
Before she could finish the question, Raven pressed his finger to her lips to shush her. He needed time to scribble a response, but he clearly just didn't even want her to voice what she meant to.
.
He doesn't know either. The Guild cut any ties with the Brotherhood ages ago. Nobody knows anything.
.
"But there were ties," she frowned. There had to be someone who could find them or contact them. Maybe someone would help her. If not Brynjolf, maybe Sapphire. Though she was generally against anyone facing dangerous people after her experiences with Thorn. Maybe Etienne. He was still grateful to her, wasn't he? She would just ask everyone. There had to be someone who knew.
A long time ago and the Brotherhood doesn't leave traces of them anywhere. You should know from the agents. They know more than any of us and you already know how little they know.
The agents wouldn't let her do anything. They wouldn't want her to endanger herself, now that everyone knew about the prophecy. She was pretty sure of it. She had to do this alone.
'It's the fucking least you can do.'
The voice made her shiver and she only let out a defeated sigh. This time, it was just for Raven's benefit. Someone would know. The Guild. Maven, maybe. Someone had to.
She would make them pay.
…
It was fucking torture.
Every single day was getting harder and harder.
He had been beyond worried before. He never saw Aeyrin's reaction, aside from hearing some of it, he didn't know what she did or where she went for a long time, save for what Gaius told him about her leaving what was left of Nightgate Inn.
He should have been placated by what Gaius said. By so much of it. Things were in motion. Aeyrin was safe with Raven, she was with someone who would be understanding and supportive, and what was more, things were actually happening. Gaius was in the Sanctuary. His 'handler', the guy that was bringing Bishop food and whatever else, locking him in in turn, confirmed it.
Bishop kept asking and asking. He wasn't sure what he was more worried about. On the one hand, his major concern was her doing something stupid, like seeking revenge. Despite his handler's reassurances that she would not be able to track the Brotherhood down in any way, since even they hadn't been able to without Gaius being the Listener, he couldn't help the concerns. When she got something like this into her head, there was no stopping her. He knew that all too well. He kept thinking about the ways she could achieve this, like summoning them for a contract herself. He didn't know how this shit worked, but he worried she would just try anything.
It wasn't helping that he was locked in here helplessly, steadily going crazy with nothing to do and all his worries occupying his mind. The handler brought him a pack of cards and some books, even asked about other shit Bishop might enjoy passing time with, but he didn't know. He didn't have any interest in any of it. His thought preoccupied him fully, driving him insane from helplessness. All he wanted was to get out of there and somehow let Aeyrin know that he was alright.
That was another major concern of his. Even if she didn't turn to anger and revenge, the alternative was not much better. And the 'news' was not really comforting in that regard. The handler assured Bishop that she is being watched carefully by some agents in Riften, both so that she doesn't interfere with their mission and as a favor for her and Bishop's help. The reports were always the same. She was in Riften, but never really seen in the city. She was only ever spotted near the lake with Raven and Karnwyr, doing nothing in particular.
That was… not great. He didn't know what he expected. He didn't even know what he wanted, but it was like she was just… lifeless. At least that's what he imagined. There was nothing more the handler would tell him, just that she went for a short walk by the shore on occasion. Never alone. Would she even leave the house alone? Did Raven make her go outside? What was she doing all day? Was she just drowning in her thoughts like he was, voluntarily imprisoned?
It was excruciating to think about. Bishop was finding himself to be more and more erratic while communicating with the handler. He demanded more information. Anything. About Aeyrin. About Gaius. Just… anything.
But he got nothing.
And he did nothing. He was just here, twiddling his fucking thumbs while others were working on saving him and Aeyrin. People whose plans had failed before, at least in part. How could he trust anyone with this?
But all he could do was to stay here and just continue feeling fucking helpless and useless.
They all did more than he did to solve this mess. He just kept letting them drive it forward without knowing if they would manage. Why did he ever listen to Gaius? Why did he ever agree to this?
He knew that he was not exactly… essential. They were all just doing him a fucking favor by keeping him alive. Aeyrin thought he was dead. That was that. If he made trouble for them, if he tried to escape, they might just kill him with no concern or mess to deal with. He would be endangering Gaius's mission after all.
Fuck, what a fucking mess. And that wasn't all of it. There was still that fucking stray thought about Gaius actually being on the Brotherhood's side and only pretending to pretend.
Ugh. So fucking frustrating.
He felt like banging his head against the dismal wall in his dark prison.
He just wanted to be with Aeyrin again. He just wanted to make things right again. He wanted her to know he was alive, to chase away all the pain he caused by this stunt.
Even if the Brotherhood wasn't taken care of yet… fuck, he just wanted to stop this ruse. Why the fuck did he agree to it? It was getting easier and easier to forget the helplessness he felt at Nightgate as time went by.
Today had been particularly excruciating. He was just lying in the small rickety bed, staring at the dark ceiling. His handler brought him back some mead before, but that was all gone. All of it. A lot of it. The guy thought he was bringing it for a few days or so. Idiot.
The stones of the ceiling were swaying a little and he wasn't sure how long he'd been looking at them, drowning in his thoughts.
This was just fucked up.
Finally, after what felt like ages, he heard the familiar click and soft purple light entered his peripheral vision. The magical lock was opened. The man came in at least once a day to check on Bishop. Sometimes twice. He never had anything more to say than he already had though. It was the same every fucking day.
Footsteps echoed through the chamber and only when they stopped by the bed, Bishop looked up at the man.
"Hey," the handler nodded with a preemptive exasperated sigh escaping his lips. He never told Bishop his name. Then again, Bishop never asked. No matter the fact that he was trying to help him, get him whatever he needed, Bishop was resentful of him. He was just doing his job, but Bishop didn't really give a fuck about his feelings. "Do you need anything?"
"More mead," Bishop grumbled. He saw the man's eyes go wide at the fact that he drank it all, but he did nod in the end. "Got anything else?" Bishop scoffed. He wouldn't. Of course he wouldn't.
"Yes," he nodded. Oh what? Was Aeyrin by the lake again? Or was something actually happening?
There was a moment of silence and Bishop looked at the man with a scowl. What? Was something wrong?
"We are moving in on the Sanctuary."
Oh. Wait… what?!
They were… they were attacking? Seriously?! It was gonna be over?
They… fuck. Shit. Something would go wrong. Bishop just knew it. Shit always went wrong. He… he had to make sure nothing went wrong.
"Fuck," he instantly sat up. He got dizzy right away, his world spinning, but he needed to steady himself. "Good. I'm comin' with. Gotta… kill those fuckers."
"Yeah, not happening," the man scoffed, almost in amusement, but then he noticed Bishop's expression.
Bishop wasn't exactly sure how he looked just then. Probably kind of unkempt and… rabid. He knew he snarled and shot up from the bed, but his movements were a little more uncoordinated and slow than usual. He wobbled on his feet a bit right away. It wasn't enough to send him tumbling, but it did give the man the chance to push Bishop right back onto the bed, letting him fall on his ass on the mattress.
Bishop blinked a few times in surprise, but by the time he realized what the fuck even happened, the man was running towards the door.
What? He was… he was fucking running away?! No!
Bishop got up again and rushed after him, but he wasn't fast enough. By the time he got to the door, it was firmly shut in front of his face and the purple light enveloped the lock once more.
Fuck!
"Let me the fuck out already!" Bishop yelled, banging at the door furiously. What the fuck just happened?
"No!" A muffled voice came from behind the door. "Calm down. Everything will be handled soon."
Oh yeah, like fuck it will.
"You all fucking die, who the fuck's gonna let me out?!" Bishop banged on the door again. That was a real fucking possibility, wasn't it?
"I will. I'm not joining the assault," the man answered promptly. "Calm down. No more booze for you. I'll come tomorrow."
Ugh. Fuck. Shit. This was so frustrating.
They better not fuck this shit up. He wanted to be there to make sure. He wanted to do more.
But he was locked here again, helpless, no matter how many times he yanked on the door handle or banged. Nobody was there to listen to him anymore. Nobody was there to let him make any decisions on his own.
He just had to fucking sit and wait until other people fixed the mess he created for himself.
He just had to wait until things could be made right again.