Rickternal Friendshine of the Lincolnless Lynn
Lincoln's POV:
Anyway, now that I've caught you up to speed, you're probably wondering what will happen next. Well, to be honest, I'm not sure myself. While Luna, Luan, and I are living our best lives and our love for each other grows stronger daily, we obviously worry about our other family members finding out the truth. After all, they aren't all as progressive as Rick is. The only other person we considered trusting with our secret was Lucy (as she was already a forbidden romance enthusiast due to her obsession with Edwin, a fictional 200 year-old vampire, and like Rick, she believed in the "(do whatever, unless it hurts someone else [murderous gromflomites notwithstanding] philosophy)", but Rick advised against it, due to her being two years younger than me. He worried she would let it slip to her club friends, which could go south really quick, obviously. He also worried about our other sisters' habit of reading Lucy's diary (for obvious reasons). "How long could we continue hiding the truth?" I wondered.
It was also becoming difficult for me to hide our forbidden romance from my friends. (ironically) I knew Clyde would understand, seeing as we were best bros for life, not to mention that the horrendous stuff he had seen when he occasionally joined me and Rick on an adventure made consensual incest look tame. I wasn't as confident about Stella's reaction, however. Even if Stella didn't call the cops, our friendship would surely be over. Not to mention what Ronnie Ann and her new friend Sid (they were inseparable) would think if let accidentally it slip next time Lori and I went to visit her and Bobby in the city. I pushed these thoughts aside with the aid of Rick's newest invention, something he had dubbed "anti-paranoia gum."
Luna had fully soundproofed both her shared room with Luan and my room, in addition to the basement. This let us lie in bed together while we cuddled and slept after having sex downstairs. Which brings us back to this morning's events. After getting dressed, I headed to the bathroom. After waiting in the characteristically long line, I entered and began taking a shower, making sure to use plenty of soap and shampoo to remove the smell of our shared cum, which was left over from our nightly "activities." After removing all of it from my hair and body, I finished my shower. As I got out of the shower, however, I was shocked to see Lana's frog, Hops, trying to jump into the toilet bowl. "Lana!" I thought to myself, half angry and half amused. I caught Hops before he was able to complete his dive, and placed him in Lana's mouthwash cup. (I knew she wouldn't care) Then, I threw on my clothes and stepped out of the bathroom.
"Lana!" I called. "Hops tried to jump in the toilet bowl again!"
"Oh, hi Linc." answered Lana as she out of her room toward me. She smiled and took Hops out of her mouthwash cup, as I walked to her room with her.
"Hi Linc? That's all you have to say?" I lectured her, once we had reached her room. "What if it wasn't me that found him this time? Imagine how much trouble you would be in if Lori, Leni, or Lola walked in and saw him swimming in the toilet bowl!"
"I'm sorry Lincoln!" Lana said, as she started crying.
"Please don't cry, Lana." I said, realizing that I was making things worse. "It's my fault too. I should have closed the restroom door better, anyway." (the lock on the door is broken.)
"Thanks Linc!" Lana dried her tears and smiled. "I can always count on you to save me from my mistakes!"
"Yeah, yeah, just keep him in his playpen next time." I said as she gave me a hug.
"Oh, is it hug o'clock?" asked Lola not-so-sneakily as she walked into the room.
"Fine, bring it in." I sighed, rolling my eyes.
What I didn't see, however, was Lynn scowling as she walked by, witnessing our sibling bonding moment. Finishing our hug, we went downstairs to prepare for school.
Lynn's POV:
"Never, in all my life, including ten years of competitive sports, have I been this angry! He belongs to ME!" I thought to myself angrily. As everyone knows, I, Lynn Loud Jr. (also known as Lynnsanity), never lost at anything, wherever it was sports, games, or even a series of challenging competitions against my siblings. Well, not until a few weeks ago, anyway. That's when I began to notice a few little things, which, while not fishy on their own, when grouped together, became more and more suspicious. For one, there was a new keypad lock on the basement door. Rick had told us that there he was keeping a man-eating alien down there, and that we should stay away, no matter what. Since it was Rick warning us, all of us figured it really was as dangerous as he had said. (He was the least safety-oriented family member, after all. Well, besides me and Lucy, of course). My feelings changed quickly though, once I saw Luna and Luan sneaking down there at night. (as I was having a midnight protein bar) Then, the other day, I saw Lincoln heading downstairs as I was walking back to my room from the bathroom. At first, I thought I was going crazy. There was no way one of my other sisters was also crushing on Linc, let alone two of them dating him. I was getting paranoid and probably needed some of that "anti-paranoia gum" Rick was always talking about.
Then, I began to notice other questionable things. Sometimes, Luna and Luan's room was empty in the morning, and Lincoln's door was locked. Other times, my sister's door was locked, and Linc was nowhere to be found. Then, last week, I saw all three of them giggling together in the kitchen early in the morning, which was also highly unusual. (They didn't usually spend much time together in the morning, due to Luna's band practices, Luan's Comedy Club meetings, and Lincoln helping all our younger sisters, well, except for Lucy, to get ready for school.) This morning, the final blow to my patience was dealt. I saw Lincoln walk into Lana's room to return her stupid frog. Already suspicious of his behavior, I pretended to walk by while secretly investigating. I was shocked to see that Lincoln was hugging Lana. Then, Lola brushed right past me, as if I wasn't even there, and joined their hug! At this point, I was seething with fury. I ran to the room I shared with Lucy and forced her to leave, saying I had pulled a muscle and needed to be alone. She didn't really seem to buy it, and looked pretty concerned, but left nonetheless, knowing better than to argue with me when I was in a fit of anger.
"How could he?" I thought to myself. "No." I corrected myself quickly. "How could they? HE IS MINE!"
I started playing my favorite angry workout song, Fight Back by NEFFEX. I put on my boxing gloves and tried to take it all out on my punching bag.
"It's impossible. It's not probable." the guy sang. To my disgust, I began crying, unable to hold in my tears.
"You gotta take it slow. You can't be a pro. Don't waste your time no more." continued the guy. But the words I heard next made me stop crying, as I realized what I needed to do. "Are you just gonna take that? Make them take it all back. Don't tell me you believe that? Are you just gonna take that? Or will you fucking fight back?" There was a pause in the song lyrics. "Or will you fucking fight back? (Woo)."
I understood now. Crying was for losers. And I never lost! I am the one and only LYNN LOUD. I ALWAYS WIN! And after all, wasn't romance just another sport? If I win at everything, then why should this be any different? I grinned. Linc would be mine, and mine alone. And I knew exactly where to start. Rick. I could feel the anger building up inside me. That devious concealing motherfucker. He knew about Luna and Luan (and maybe even Lana and Lola), and he didn't say anything to me.
"But how could he have known how you felt? He's a genius, not a mind reader. You never told anyone in the family about your feelings!" a voice in my head said, despite my protest. "Also, couldn't Lincoln's hug with Lana and Lola just have been a regular sibling bonding moment?"
"I guess Rick and Lisa's logical side is rubbing off on me a little too much." I thought, annoyed. "Nonetheless, Rick clearly knows more than he's letting on."
"I guess I'll have to use something I never attempted before." I said under my breath. "Subtlety and finesse."
I walked out of my room and headed downstairs. I was all ready to give mom and dad my best excuse for skipping school today (so I could begin interrogating Rick asap), but it turned out Lucy had already told them about my "pulled muscle," which was enough to convince them, as Lucy had never lied to them before. (that they knew of, anyway)
"Suckers." I thought, laughing. "And thank you, Lucy! Glad to know someone in this house has my back."
I would have to thank Lucy later. Right now, I needed to know what Rick knew. I walked toward the garage and opened the door. Unfortunately, sirens started blaring and a robot voice began saying "One hundred thousand microseconds to self-destruction by means of C4," whatever the hell that meant.
"What the hell is going on?" Rick asked as he quickly came out of the elevator leading to his secret underground lab. "Oh, it's you. What can I do for you, Lynn?" he asked sarcastically as he turned off the alarms and disarmed what looked like a bomb.
I decided to start exercising some diplomacy (like I mentioned before), and so I asked, "Hey Rick. I'm not going to school today. I was actually wondering if you needed help with anything?"
"Oh." Rick's tone shifted, looking confused, since I had never offered him help with his scientific pursuits before. "How'd you weasel out of the 'brainwashing' this time?" He asked.
"Oh, Lucy told them I pulled a muscle after I told her that when I made her leave our room while I was super angry." I said mischievously. "She didn't look like she believed me, but she was nice enough to have my back anyway."
"Nice." grinned Rick. "They wouldn't think Lucy was lying, would they? Since she almost never does. At least that they know of!" He laughed. "I'm actually about to go on an adventure. I guess you could come with, if you want. But you can't tell anyone but Lincoln and Lucy about what you're about to see." he continued seriously.
"Sure, sure." I promised.
Rick pulled a lever and a shelf moved back into the wall. Then, before I knew it, something came shooting up from underground, right into the space where the shelf was before. I was shocked by what I then saw.
"Is that Birdperson?" I asked, shocked both at his cyborg appearance and the fact that he was in Rick's garage when he was supposed to have died at his wedding reception-turned-nightmare.
"They call him PhoenixPerson now," Rick answered sadly. "and before you ask, yes, Tammy did this to him."
"Didn't he die at his 'wedding reception'?" I asked confused, as I remembered the catastrophe.
"Is he dead? Not anymore." Rick answered, seemingly emotionless. "This is way worse."
"What could be worse than death?" I asked.
"I could stand here all day listing things that make death seem great, but if we want to save Birdperson, we're running out of time. I've kept him in suspended animation for over 6 months. That takes a real toll on a person's brain, especially if that person has suffered a lot of traumatic events, which he has." continued Rick.
"Traumatic events?" I asked, confused.
"We don't have time to sit around discussing me and BirdPerson's bloody shared history!" said Rick, irked. "If we don't save him soon, he will enter a vegetative state. Another one of those 'fates worse than death' you asked about earlier." finished Rick.
"How do we save him?" I asked, feeling bad that one of Rick's best friends was on his deathbed (again).
"His body is completely controlled by the Federation chip in his brain stem. The only way to save BirdPerson is to incept him with the idea that he wants to retake control of his brain, which he has had no desire to do since his temporary 'death'." answered Rick.
"Wait a second. Why wouldn't he want to come back?" I asked confused.
"When someone experiences a-" Rick paused, sighing. "a 'life-changing' or traumatic event, they can sometimes lose the desire to continue living. BirdPerson has experienced 'the lion's share' of both. The nightmarish wedding reception was 'the straw that broke the camel's back.' If I wasn't feeling so sad about him nearly expiring, I would give him hell for not listening to my advice on marriage after we finish rescuing him. Like I like to say, 'what people call love is just a chemical reaction that compels animals to breed. It hits hard, then it slowly fades, leaving you stranded in a failing marriage. I did it. Your parents are gonna do it. Break the cycle, kids. Rise above. Focus on science.'" finished Rick.
"I guess that makes sense, in a twisted, depressing way. Well, maybe not the marriage rant, but the rest of it, at least." I answered sadly. "Anyway, didn't you do this inception shit on Lori before? I thought that didn't go so well?"
"The variables here are way different. I know BirdPerson's mind much better than Lori's, seeing that I've known him since I was 20." answered Rick.
"Okay?" I was still confused.
"We don't have time for me to dumb this down to your level!" Rick yelled, suddenly emotional and irritated.
"I offered you help, and this is how you respond?" I asked.
"You're right. I'm sorry. It's been a long month." Rick said, uncharacteristically apologetic.
"It's fine." I said, remembering to stay focused on my goal of getting info out of him. Plus, I couldn't exactly let BirdPerson die again, either. "So will this inception thing really work, unlike the Lori disaster?"
"I hope so." Rick sighed sadly. "It all depends on how convincing you and I can be. I have confidence in you though. Don't they call you 'Lynnsanity?' Sounds like you like a challenge." he grinned.
"Using my logic and love of competition against me." I said, frowning. But secretly, I was very excited to beat him at a competition, just like I did with everyone else. "I guess you really are a genius. So what exactly are you proposing, old man?"
"How about this!" he said, oddly choosing to ignore my insult. "If you convince Birdperson to come back to his body, you get to ask me any questions you want for a day. If I convince him, you-" he thought for a minute. "you let me test five inventions of my choice on you."
At these words, I had to really restrain myself from showing him how glad I was at this news. "I got really lucky today." I thought. "I gotta remember to thank Lucy for that luck enchantment too."
"Let's up the stakes a bit." I said, grinning. "If I convince him, I can ask you any question I want for a day, and you do my chores for a month."
"And if I convince him?" Rick countered.
"I'll let you test ten inventions and let you eat all my pizza on pizza night for a month." I grinned. "Unless you're chicken, of course." I taunted.
"You're the one who's a Gallus gallus domesticus, you little shit!" Rick said angrily. "But of course, I will accept." he continued.
"Braniacs." I said, rolling my eyes at what I assumed to be the scientific name for a chicken. "So how do we convince Birdperson? Can you at least give me some pointers?"
"I haven't figured it out yet. That's what makes this challenge so interesting." said Rick, grinning. "Let's get this thing done quickly so I can get riggity-riggity wrecked! Oh, and eat all your pizza too!" He finished, smiling mischievously.
"You're the one who's gonna be doing my chores!" I yelled, as Rick inserted a little earpiece into BirdPerson's ear, then turned to me and did the same. Then, before I could even blink, I fell asleep.
When I woke up, I saw Rick lying on the ground, seemingly asleep. We seemed to be in a clearing in a forest.
"Wake up, Rick!" I said as I shook him. "Are we in his dream?"
"Here's a question for you, Lynn!" Rick said as he got up, angry for some reason. "When I woke up, did I panic and say, 'Oh shit, this isn't what I expected?'"
"No?" I said, confused.
"Then why the hell would you assume we weren't in the dream?" Rick yelled. Before I could think of a good comeback, he apologized, mumbling something about dreams making people cranky. I wasn't sure wherever I should believe him or not.
Afterwards, Rick began to explain how dreams worked, but I interrupted. "Don't you think we should focus on the task at hand! You said BirdPerson didn't have much time left, didn't you?"
"You're smarter than you look." commented Rick, making me grimace. "All I know is this: In order to rescue BirdPerson, we have to go back to the most significant life-changing event in his life." finished Rick.
"So, the wedding? That seems traumatic enough. He basically died, after all!" I responded.
"This is why you kids have to listen more carefully when I say something important." answered Rick. "I said most life-changing event, not most traumatizing event."
"And that might be?" I pressed.
"I don't really like to talk about it." he admitted, frowning.
"But BirdPerson doesn't have time for you to get over your past!" I countered loudly.
"You're right." said Rick sadly. "I guess we have no choice. We're going to have to go to the Battle of Blood Ridge."
"Sounds violent." I observed, cringing as I thought about blood and guts, something I knew all too well thanks to Rick. "Can we use weapons in dreams?"
"Yes, but they have to come from inside the memory." Rick explained, confusing me further. "Now hold on! I'm about to hack into his cerebral cortex, which is where dreams are synthesized. This will let me insert my memory inside it, forcing him to dream about it."
As he finished explaining, he pressed on his smartwatch screen a few times. Then, the world around us began shifting like an earthquake, making me to feel like I was gonna barf.
"Oh shit! Here we go!" yelled Rick.
After about a minute, during which I struggled not to hurl, the dream world returned to 'normal'. Things looked a lot different this time, however. We were no longer on Earth, that was for sure. There were a lot of things I didn't recognize, including these weird-looking spaceship-like tanks, which were full of those insect aliens that took over Earth for a few days that one time, after Rick turned himself in to the Galactic Federation for our safety. (after the wedding fiasco) Of course, he broke free really quickly, and ended up using a two-for-one play, toppling the Federation and destroying the Citadel of Ricks in one fell swoop. I had to admit, it was really strategic. I would have been very proud of him for thinking up such a great strategy, if not for all the deaths he had caused in the process.
"Oh shit!" yelled Rick, bringing me out of my thoughts as he dragged me behind a large rock to avoid aliens who were firing at us. "Go go Sanchez ski shoes!" He yelled, making ski shoes pop out of his feet, much to my surprise. "Hold on to me, Lynn!" he yelled again.
I held on to him, and we skied down a sandy hill.
"There's BirdPerson, Squanchy, and- Me?" He said as he looked through binoculars while pointing to another hill and becoming temporarily confused by seeing another "Rick". In the distance, I could see two people, and one smaller fuzzy being, who I knew was Squanchy.
"But you're right next to me." I said, confused.
"Well, I guess it makes sense." said Rick. "Since this is my memory, it would stand to reason that I would be in it."
"Huh?" I asked, thinking that it didn't make sense at all.
"Don't think into it too deeply." answered Rick. "The only person I know that truly understands dream logic is Scary Terry."
"Who?" I asked.
"No time, I'll explain later!" he said as he retracted his ski shoes back into regular shoes. "Let's go see my friends!"
We ran toward BirdPerson, Squanchy, and the other 'Rick'. Rick was not happy that I outran him and looked like he wanted to chastise me. As he stopped us so he could catch his breath, I reminded him of our mission. Thankfully, this prevented his attempt to reprimand me.
"We can't tell them who we are yet." Rick said, continuing to struggle to breathe normally. "It might mess up BirdPerson's mind further, since he won't remember anything from after the battle, yet. Because of this, he can't know who you are."
"Won't they be able to see who you are once we get to them? Also, why wouldn't he remember stuff from after the battle?" I asked.
"Dream logic again. Even if he somehow figured out who I was, he would still be extremely confused if he saw how much I have aged since the battle. He's basically fully immersed in the dream right now." Rick explained. "Anyway, we will appear as random freedom fighters, until BirdPerson starts to feel our presence, as I work to turn the dream lucid."
"What does Lucy have to do with this?" I joked.
"Not Lucy, Lucid." Rick explained, laughing along with me for a few seconds. "Lucid dreaming is when someone becomes aware that they are dreaming, which, in turn, leads to them gaining control of the dream." continued Rick. "Once that happens, all bets are off. Well, except for our bet." He grinned. "Anyway, my name is Bob Loud, and you're my granddaughter, Allison Loud."
"Allison? Really?" I asked, annoyed at the name.
"We don't have time to be creative!" Rick reminded me as he pointed behind us. "The federation is advancing."
"Come on then, slowpoke!" I joked, making Rick scowl.
We soon reached BirdPerson, Squanchy, and "Rick."
"Hi, I'm Bob Loud from Earth." Rick introduced himself. "This is my granddaughter, Allison Loud. She likes to be called Ally." Rick said, to my increased annoyance. "You must be Squanchy." he said, pointing at Squanchy.
"Who told you? That squanch is top secret!" joked Squanchy.
"And you must be BirdPerson." continued Rick.
"That is correct." said BirdPerson, with his usual lack of emotion.
"That leaves us with the one and only 'Rick Sanchez.'" said Rick, gritting his teeth, while still doing his best to hide his disdain for the memory version of himself. Thankfully, no one besides me seemed to notice.
"The one and only! In this universe that is! I am the best in every motherfucking universe, though, bitch!" he answered. Rick rolled his eyes. Yet again, I was the only one to notice, since Squanchy and "Rick" were shooting at the aliens, while BirdPerson was loading a bazooka.
"Anyway, what got you to squanch your way to this planet?" asked Squanchy, as he reloaded his gun.
"Same reason you came here. To fuck up the Federation!" Rick answered, pretending to be enthusiastic. "We don't have nice battle suits like you guys, though. Oh well, no matter. We came to ride or die! Right Ally?" he asked.
"Let's fuck up these douche-bags!" I yelled.
"Let's do this shit!" yelled "Rick" emotionally.
"Rick" handed Rick a box. He started giving me one too, but hesitated. "Are you sure you want your granddaughter involved in this? I know she's as foulmouthed as the rest of us, but this is gonna get real bloody, real fucking fast." he continued, smiling as he imagined the violence. "Don't get me wrong, not that it matters or anything. It's an infinite multiverse and you have infinite versions of your granddaughter, a smaller infinite amount of whom are going to die in this battle. I just thought you might be upset if I had to send you to a new universe if she dies. Even worse, sending you to a new universe would be a real fucking pain in the ass for me." he finished.
"She'll be fine. We're well trained!" answered Rick, winking at me.
"Your funeral." "Rick" continued. "Well, really it's her funeral, but you get what I mean." He handed me a similar box. "Press the button on the side, and step away really quickly." He instructed.
We did so, and I was soon surprised to see the boxes turn into battle suits for both of us.
We put them on and "Rick" handed us each what looked like a laser version of an AK-47. (I joined a gun shooting club this year. When I said I loved all sports, I meant it.)
"Let's Squanch, guys!" yelled Squanchy.
We sprung into action. Rick, Squanchy, "Rick," and I fired at alien troops, while BirdPerson dealt with the tanks using his bazooka. Within 20 minutes, there was next to nothing left of the federation troops.
"Well, that was fun!" said Rick.
"I agree, that was most enjoyable." answered BirdPerson.
"Hey BirdPerson, can I talk to you in private, real quick?" asked "Rick."
"Of course, Rick." answered BirdPerson as the two of them walked away from our group.
"Here we go." whispered Rick sadly.
"What's going on?" I asked, as I pulled him off to the side.
"There's actually something I didn't tell you before, Lynn." answered Rick, frowning. "You see, the Battle of Blood Ridge wasn't actually the most life changing event. It was a battle like any other. It's what happened afterward that caused the life change, for both me and BirdPerson."
"I can only help BirdPerson if you let me in on the full story, Rick." I told him sternly.
"Alright." Rick took a deep breath, something I had never seen him do before.
"This must be really serious!" I thought. "I had better be extra nice."
"Well, let's hear it, Grandpa Rick." I said, trying to sound compassionate.
"For BirdPerson." Rick sighed, continuing. "After the battle, I pulled BirdPerson aside to talk to him."
"That much I know." I said. "So what did you say?"
"I asked BirdPerson to go universe hopping with me. I told him that the war and the Federation didn't really mean anything to me, considering the events were happening an infinite number of times, in an infinite amount of universes." answered Rick. "BirdPerson's people were brutalized by the Federation, and so he didn't take it very well." Rick was struggling not to cry, something I'd never thought I would see.
"It's okay, Grandpa Rick." I pulled him in for a hug. "You made a mistake, and that's okay. You're not alone anymore. We're a team, and teammates always stick together! I'm gonna help you fix this, right now!" I reassured him.
At that moment, "Rick" and BirdPerson came back from their talk, both of them looking sad and angry. BirdPerson walked up to us.
"Brace yourself, Grandpa Rick." I finished hugging him, as I realized that BirdPerson had finally begun to recognize Rick.
"Bob, may I ask you something?' said BirdPerson nonchalantly. "Preferably in private."
"Ally here loves keeping secrets! Shoot!" said Rick.
"There's a couple of things that confused me when we met." began BirdPerson. "Namely, how you knew our names, as well as how you knew so much about us upon our first meeting."
"You guys are really famous. Or infamous, if you're a Federation crony!" answered Rick, laughing. He was clearly trying to not overwhelm him with the truth too quickly, as to avoid damaging his brain any further.
"That may be true. However, you claim to come from Earth, an extremely primitive planet." continued BirdPerson. "It would not make sense for you to be able to come here, let alone for you to know about us and our cause against the Federation. That is, unless you are who I suspect you are." finished BirdPerson.
"Listen to me BirdPerson." said Rick, becoming serious all of a sudden. "We're inside my memory, which in turn is inside your dream."
Rick paused momentarily, letting BirdPerson's memories come back.
"I remember everything now." said BirdPerson. "But I do not wish to come back to life, Rick. There is nothing left for me in this life." he said, appearing as emotionless as ever.
"That is not true!" I said emotionally. "You have plenty of reasons to keep on living! You have two best friends!" I yelled, pointing to Rick and Squanchy. "Not to mention that you're an inspiration to us Loud kids! You show us what it's like to be intelligent without Rick's nihilism. And while Rick might deny this, he's become a much kinder person thanks to you." I finished.
"That may be true." BirdPerson admitted. "However, I possess many doubts about my future life. Even if Rick manages to restore my body to its previous state, which I am certain he is capable of, my mind will remain fractured for many years to come, if not for the rest of my life." finished BirdPerson.
"But- But-" I was unsure of what to say next. I had expected the realization that people care about him to be enough to snap him out of his depression. "The bet is off. Help me." I mouthed to Rick.
"I was going to save this for a surprise." Rick said, as he tried to come to the rescue. "BirdPerson, this may shock you, but I urge you to stay calm due to the instability of the memory within a dream construct."
"I am listening." said BirdPerson, as both he and I awaited Rick's surprise.
"BirdPerson, there's no easy way to say this." Rick continued. "When Lincoln, Lucy, and I ambushed Tammy for what she had done to you, your mind-controlled body, 'PhoenixPerson', attacked us. While I was trying to restrain you in the least painful way possible, Tammy began kneeling over in pain. After I finished forcing you into my garage via portal gun, I came up to Tammy to, well, finish the job, but Lincoln and Lucy stopped me. She was in labor, BirdPerson." Rick continued as both of us stared at him in shock. "I delivered the baby right there on the floor. Unfortunately (for the baby), Tammy died in childbirth due to her injuries. The girl, however, survived. As we tried to run away from Tammy's Gromflomite minions, Lucy, who was holding your baby, stopped to tie her shoe. Lincoln and I did not notice her absence for about fifteen seconds, however, due to being overwhelmed by Gromflomites from the other direction. Lucy carefully placed her on the ground for a few seconds. What happened next haunts me to this day. She-" Rick stopped, beginning to cry, shocking me. I gave him a bear hug, and eventually he continued. "She was taken by the Gromflomites. Lincoln, Lucy, and I were taken as prisoners as well, but we became separated from your daughter when the motherfucking dipshits forced us onto a prisoner transport ship. We managed to escape as quickly as possible, and soon located her at a Federation Holding Facility. I cannot express how sorry I am, BirdPerson." paused Rick. "Anyway, the Federation was back, but that did not matter. The important thing was, she was safe. Since she was half human and half BirdPerson, along with the fact that I can be a negligent caregiver, I thought their scientists would be more equipped to take care of her than I would be, considering their experience with mixed species children. I monitor her state at least twice every 12 hours via a camera drone I remotely flew into the room she is held in. She is physically healthy. However, and I am speaking from experience here, a baby needs a parent. Otherwise, they end up full of hatred and anger, like me. I don't want that to happen to her. Please come back, Birdperson, if not for us, then for her." Rick finished, unable to hold back his tears. I hugged him again, while also making a mental note to make sure to tell him he was dead if he ever told anyone about my sickeningly sweet and overly kind behavior today.
BirdPerson remained silent for a minute.
"Please BirdPerson!" I said, also holding back tears. "Rick is right. I live with nine sisters and a brother, and my parents work full-time, so I don't get a lot of parental attention. I was practically raised by my older sisters, Lori and Leni. When Rick came into our lives and started spending time with us, we all soon began to feel a lot better, in spite of all his 'faults.' (And the fact that he thinks he is 'a poor caregiver.') If Rick had that much of an effect on us, even though he came into our lives way too late, can you imagine how much of an effect you would have on your daughter? She needs you, BirdPerson!" I finished as I began sobbing.
"Very well. I will return, for her sake." said Birdperson.
Rick smiled and pressed a button on his watch. I started to fall asleep again.
When I woke up, I saw Rick talking to BirdPerson, who was thankfully back to normal, besides a few large scars. I walked up to Rick to comfort him (after checking to make sure no one else was in the garage), as he still seemed to be somewhat upset.
"You are a good adolescent, Lynn." said BirdPerson as I approached. "You will make an excellent caregiver someday."
"I don't know about all that." I laughed, becoming embarrassed. "I'm usually nice, but today was a little too lovey-dovey for me. I was sickeningly sweet and overly kind."
"I respectfully disagree with your self-assessment of your behavioral state and future capabilities." answered BirdPerson. "I must go to rescue my daughter now. Thank you both. For everything." he finished.
"You'll need these BP." reminded Rick, handing him clothes, a portal gun, and two watches. "Remember, one watch has a map that will take you to BirdDaughter, while the other watch disintegrates people. Don't aim that one at yourself." Rick finished, laughing a little.
"Very funny, Rick." said BirdPerson, clearly not amused, as he opened the garage door and walked out. "Until we meet again."
"See you at Mr. Poopy-Butthole's Birthday Party!" Rick yelled as BirdPerson flew away. Then, he re-entered the garage and looked at me.
"I didn't know you cared that much about my presence in your life, Lynn." he teased.
"Yeah, well, tell anyone about my kindness today and you're dead." I warned.
"You know Lynn," he continued, smiling. "technically, neither one of us won the bet. We ended up working together to accomplish our goal."
"Yeah, but I forfeited." I smiled sadly.
"That wasn't in the agreed-upon rules, 'Ally'!" protested Rick, as he laughed at my fake name.
"So what exactly are you offering, 'Bob'?" I teased, trying not to get my hopes up (and failing).
"How's this?" Rick asked. "I answer a few questions, and you save me a slice for the next few pizza nights!"
"That sounds fair." I answered, and I couldn't help smiling again. "Thanks, Rick."
"Well, don't make me wait all day. Ask away!" said Rick.
"Well, to be honest, there is only one question, but it may shock you. It might also take a long time to answer." I said, avoiding looking at him.
Rick started laughing again for some reason.
"What's so funny?" I asked. "You're turning into Luan 2.0. You know that right?" I continued, teasing him.
"Where do you think she gets her talents from?" he asked, smiling. "Your parents are about as funny as the Galactic Federation's cyborgs." he said, making me laugh me laugh.
"Besides, it would Rick 2.0, not Luan 2.0, seeing as I was born 50 years before her." he finished.
"I don't know how she would feel if she heard you say that." I said nervously, suspecting she had a camera and mic in the garage, just like in the rest of the house.
"It's fine." said Rick. "After what happened last April Fool's Day, I've become used to her particular brand of comedy mixed with occasional violence."
"Anyway," I continued, cringing as I remembered that day. "You might want to sit down for this one."
"Trust me, Lynn," he said, blowing off my concerns. "I have heard it all. Really." Despite his words, he still got out two chairs, and we both sat down.
"Okay, but don't say I didn't warn you." I said.
"Spit it out, kid. I promised Lincoln and what-his-name, Claude?" Rick asked, smirking.
"Clyde." I said, unable to stop laughing again. "I guess Luan really did get her talents from you." I observed.
"Right, Clyde." Rick continued, pretending he had forgotten his name. "Anyway, I promised to take them to the comic book store today, and it's getting late. I don't want to deal with your mom's dumb 'he needs to sleep to grow' rant again."
"Yeah, Lucy and I hate that one too." I said, frowning. "We like staying up late to watch movies with him. Even though, lately, he hasn't been spending as much time with us as before, besides coming to support us at her school club fundraisers ansd my team events." I said, as my frown turned into a deeper scowl.
"Really?" said Rick, pretending to be confused, but I saw through his facade.
"I'm gonna be honest with you, Rick." I braced myself. "When I came in here to ask you for help, I was trying to trick you into answering my question. I was pretty angry." I admitted. "Obviously, I can't be angry anymore after all we went through today."
"You really have me intrigued, Lynn." Said Rick, shuddering.
"Everything okay Rick?" I asked, worried.
"Oh, I'm fine." answered Rick. "Just experiencing some deja-vu, which has always really creeped me out." he explained. "Anyway, the prospect of finding out such a red-hot secret has me on the edge of my seat. Stop holding out on me. Spill the beans!"
"Alright, here goes." I said, taking a deep breath. "It all started when I noticed there was a keypad lock on the basement door, which only seemed to be locked at night. I thought that was somewhat strange, especially considering that you said that there was a man-eating alien down there. Then, one night, as I was eating a midnight protein bar, I saw Luna and Luan heading down there."
"Oh shit." I overheard Rick say under his breath.
"What's wrong?" I asked, trying to mask my curiosity.
"D-" Rick paused, obviously thinking about his next words carefully. "I was just spacing out." he lied. "Just keep asking your question."
"Fine." I said, unable to argue with him after all we had been through today. "Anyway, last week, I was walking back from the bathroom, after taking my late-evening shower after football practice. Then, I saw Lincoln heading downstairs."
"Very interesting. Please, continue." said Rick, sounding very much like a cheap mall shrink now.
Ignoring his strange behavior, I continued. "At this point, I was becoming more and more suspicious. Then I started noticing some things in the morning, too. Sometimes, Luna and Luan's room was locked, and I couldn't find Lincoln anywhere. Other times, both girls were missing, and Linc's door was locked. Then, this morning, I saw Lincoln going to Lana's room to return her frog. As I pretended to walk by, I saw something that still haunts me. Lincoln was hugging Lana. Not overly suspicious in itself, but then Lola walked right past me, as if I didn't even exist, and joined them in their hug."
"The plot thickens." muttered Rick under his breath.
"You say something, Rick?" I asked, as he remained silent. "Do you know what Lincoln, Luna, and Luan are up to in the basement? Are they doing anything suspicious?"
"How would I know?" asked Rick, his tone suddenly shifting from a sneaky one to an anxious one. "I haven't seen them hanging out together, anymore than usual at least."
We sat in silence for a few minutes, both of us deep in our own thoughts, after which Rick mumbled, "I guess I'll go get Lincoln and Clyde then, so I can take them to that dumb comic book store."
"Hold on, Rick." I said as I stopped him. "I never finished asking my question, let alone gotten an answer."
"Alright, but when Lincoln and Clyde yell at me, I'm gonna blame you." said Rick begrudgingly.
"Anyway, where were we?" I thought out loud, ignoring his warning. "Oh yeah. My final piece of evidence. The 'nail in the coffin', as Lucy would say." I said, pausing for dramatic effect. "The thing that started the whole thing, in other words." At this point, Rick looked visibly uncomfortable. I kept going anyway, needing to know the truth. "A few days before I started becoming suspicious, I came into the garage, looking for my baseball bat in the closet. As I was leaving with the bat, I noticed Luna helping you fix your space cruiser. She looked extremely nervous, for some reason. Since this was highly unusual behavior for her, I decided to wait around for a bit and see what was going on. Then, I saw Luan come in with Lincoln, who looked even more nervous than Luna. What I heard next was what sparked all my suspicions in the first place. You said you had told mom and dad you were going to take the three of them to to school. I was surprised and confused. You always refused to take Luna, Luan, Lucy, or me to school, even when we had to go early for a club, sports practice, or other activity. I couldn't understand your sudden change in attitude. Until it all clicked this morning." I finished.
"So, Rick?" I asked after a few more minutes of silence. "You gonna tell me what's going on, or should I crack a guess at it?" I asked, anxiously waiting for his answer.
After some additional moments of silence, he finally spoke.
"I guess continuing to hide it from you, would only make it worse, especially if you found out from someone else." Rick began. "Just promise me you won't tell anyone, especially your parents. This family is dysfunctional enough as it is, and Lynn and Rita trying to send the three of them to jail would only make things worse, considering the fact that I promised Rita that I would avoid committing violent acts in the great-lakes area whenever possible, since all she was afraid all the neighbors had begun to think that your her and your Dad are harboring a 'violent sociopath.' Which is half true, I guess. I can be pretty violent, but that's only when I'm not riggity-riggity wrecked!" he continued, laughing in spite of his current nervous mental state. "I mean drunk, Lynn." he added, noticing my confusion. "Anyway, due to my promise to your mom, the only choice I would have if they were taken to jail would be to call in the favor the president owes me, which, in addition to being a huge waste of a presidential favor, would fracture our family, probably forever."
"Why, are they hurting kids or dealing deadly drugs like fentanyl?" I asked, suddenly afraid that my hunches were all wrong, and that my siblings might be criminals.
"No, no. Nothing like that." Rick reassured me, as he gave me some of his famous anti-paranoia gum. Almost instantly, I felt more at ease.
"What's in this? Weed?" I asked, laughing, as I remembered the time Luna and Luan made "inspiration brownies," which made both me and Lincoln very sick. (we were only 14 and 13 at the time)
"Nah, weed is way too weak, and the smell of the process of turning it into gum would attract unnecessary attention. This is my own chemical formulation." answered Rick, joining me in laughter, after he too took a piece of gum. "Anyway, you promise not to tell on them?"
"Yes, yes, just spill the beans already!" I said, no longer able to hide my anticipation.
"Alright, alright, away we go!" said Rick. He then proceeded to explain how Lincoln and Luna had "comforted" each other after Luna's breakup with Sam. He then explained how Luan caught Lincoln and Luna having sex on her "microscopic" CCTV camera. Next, he explained how Luan arranged a meeting in the space cruiser, during which she revealed that she had been crushing on both of them for years, but was hiding her feelings, because our parents were forcing her to go to therapy for years over her 'forbidden' crushes. Finally, he explained how they all agreed to become a throuple, and how he helped them keep their "love hotel" in the basement a secret by attaching a timed keypad lock onto the door. After he finished his long explanation, he sat there quietly, waiting for my reaction.
"But why didn't you attempt to stop them?" I finally asked, unsure how else to respond.
"Aside from what I said before about all the family fracturing shit, you mean?" he responded.
"I guess that's what I mean?" I answered, becoming unsure about what I wanted him to answer.
"I'll let you in on a little secret, Lynn." began Rick. "Incest isn't nearly as big of a taboo on planets where genetic splicing is advanced enough to prevent genetic defects." he said, shuddering. "Sorry, there's that deja-vu again. I told Lincoln, Luna, and Luan the same thing. Anyway, I'm just happy they found long-term happiness, something I have yet to achieve." he said sadly. "So why do you care, anyway?" Rick asked.
"Well- you see-" I paused, noticing that I didn't really feel angry anymore now that I had heard the story from him, especially since I was now in a much calmer state. "I guess I was angry that they got to Linc before me." I admitted.
"That's an incesting development!" commented Rick, jokingly, earning a scowl from me.
"I definitely haven't got a chance now, with him already dating two girls." I continued sadly, ignoring his joke.
"What makes you think that?" asked Rick.
"Lincoln isn't exactly the most athletically gifted person. I don't think he could handle sex with three girls. Especially when one of them is me." I pointed out sadly.
"I have the perfect solution for that!" answered Rick, smiling. "I've been wanting to try this out on someone his age anyway. It's not like I can walk up to any random boy his age and ask them if they would be okay with me experimenting on them to see if they would perform better sexually. I would be accused of being a child molester. Not exactly a great end to an experiment."
"It's not another love potion, is it?" I asked, remembering the horrible Cronenberg incident.
"Hell no. Don't even mention that. Ever." Rick lectured me, clearly still upset about having to leave behind our original parents and original Lily behind on the Cronenberged version of Earth. "Anyway, this is 1000% better."
"To quote Lola, Lana, and Lily's favorite character, Spongebob, 'I'm no mathmatologist, but that seems like a lot!'" I said, laughing. "Seriously though, Rick, even I know that doesn't make any sense."
"Like I said earlier," repeated Rick, "you're smarter than you look." I wasn't sure wherever I should take that as a compliment or as an insult this time, or a mix of both, as it commonly was, when it came to Rick at least.
"Anyway," he continued, as he pointed at a bottle. "this is just a pill. I've used it before, and it's completely safe, even if the person ingesting it has the flu. I just wanted to test it on someone younger to see if the effects would be increased due to puberty or not."
"So what's it do?" I asked, becoming intrigued.
"Let's just say it will give Lincoln a huge boost in the hormonal and blood circulation departments." Rick said.
"And in English, that means?" I asked.
"He'll get really, really horny, and have a huge erection all night." He answered, somewhat annoyed that he had to dumb it down for me. Not that I noticed all that much, as I was too busy fantasizing about Lincoln's -well- erection. I had to admit, thinking about it made me pretty excited. I pushed that thought aside for now, as I realized I had one more question for Rick.
"How do I get them to 'invite me in,' though?" I asked Rick. "I can't exactly walk up to them and be like 'Hey, I think Lincoln is really hot too. Could I join your sexy lustful group? That would be so cringe."
"That's an easy one!" Rick said, smiling. "Come with me, Lincoln, and Clyde to the comic book store." he continued. Seeing my confusion, he clarified, "Look, it's simpler than you think. I'll subtley get Lincoln to reveal what 2-3 comic books he wants the most, but can't buy because they're too expensive. (since he spent most of his allowance taking Luna and Luan on a date to a really fancy restaurant.)" explained Rick, unintentionally making me jealous. "Then, I'll distract them while you snag and pay for the comics. When we get home, wait for him to get in the shower, and then leave them hidden in his bed, along with a love confession note on an Ace Savvy card, which is apparently a thing, as stupid as that is." Rick said, as he showed me a variety of Ace Savvy cards on the comic book store's website. "As for Luna and Luan," he continued, "they've made it sufficiently clear that they are open to including other people, as long as Lincoln likes the other person too."
"Too?" I asked, confused.
"Well, that's the only snag." admitted Rick. "If you wanna 'rock Lincoln's world,' as Luna would say, you gotta be willing to experiment with all of them. I think that's fair, right? Besides, you probably inherited my pansexual genes, just like they did."
I considered this for a moment. I had never thought about Luna and Luan that way. Now that he mentioned it, though, they are the only other two siblings (well, except for Lucy, because we live in the same room and thus know everything about each other, and Leni, who is incapable of being anything other than super kind) that are as kind to me as Linc is. While nothing can match Lincoln's nerdy-yet-handsome charm, I suppose it couldn't hurt to experiment. Love could be a team sport, I decided. They're much more fun anyway. Besides, they were just as hot as Lincoln. (Well, almost as hot, anyway.) "They must have good genes." I thought, giggling.
"What?" asked Rick at my sudden laughter. "You don't think you could experiment with your sexuality?" He asked, sounding disappointed.
"No, no, I'll think it's worth my best shot. After all, team sports are more fun!". I said, making both of us laugh. "I was just laughing at a joke I made up. Guess we gotta call me Luan 3.0 now." I said, pretending to be sad for comedic effect.
"You mean Rick 3.0, right?" Rick reminded me. "Again, I'm this families' original prankster. You should have seen me at my first Heist-Con."
"I'm a little afraid to ask, but what is Heist-Con?" I asked.
"Heist-Con is all about finding the most convoluted and funniest way to steal stuff!" said Rick, laughing. "I'll take you kids someday. Well, maybe not Luan." he winced, probably thinking about all the ways Luan could implement what she learned there in her pranking. "Anyway, you ready to go put this plan into action?" he asked, smiling.
"Yeah." I smiled back. "After all, Lynncest is Wincest!" I grinned, making Rick facepalm, although he couldn't help laughing a little anyway. We went to the living room to get Lincoln and Clyde, so that we could take them to the comic book store.