Dylan (I can't think of any more names that starts with E),

Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Okay. So.

First off, just…why couldn't you have sent someone else out to get me? Literally anyone else? Here I was on the verge of thinking that I could finally stand to be in the same room as you, maybe even make eye contact, but now—now I'll be forced to change my name and start a new life as a sheep farmer outside Krolva if you even so much as glance in my general direction ever again.

Yeah. So. Anyway.

I didn't mean to get drunk. I didn't actually mean to drink at all. Drunk people get killed, which is why I almost never drink real alcohol. I was ordering virgin piña coladas all night (before you say anything they're really good so don't you dare laugh at me)but there were a few other Scouts in the bar, and they must have convinced the bartender to spike my drinks. Normally I only would've had one or two drinks, virgin or not, but July 11th was the ten-year anniversary of the last time I lost a fistfight, so I was trying to drown my sorrows in coconut and pineapple juice. The bartender must've really laid it on thick, because I don't really remember anything that happened after drink five or six.

Still, I won't stand for this slander about the bunny. You're obviously trying to ruin my reputation, but I won't fall for your lies. I'm a cold-blooded killer, and I would never in a million years cry about a baby bunny, even if they are very cute and very small.

Anyway, if you're going to punish me for breaking whatever rules I broke, go ahead. I don't even care anymore. But you'll have to make it quick, since we'll all be out on the expedition two days from now anyway.

Speaking of the expedition, Row 3-4? Relay? Seriously? You can't possibly think it's a good idea to put me three rows back—and not even on the outer edge. We'll be surrounded by squads—as far as positions go, it's almost obnoxiously safe. What's the problem? You still don't believe that I'm a ruthless killing machine? Is this about the bunny thing?

On a completely different note, someone stole Hange's glasses, and there's a rumor going around that it was me. Flagon or some other fucking upstart will probably go whining to you about it, so here's my denial, written down for posterity and everything: I didn't do it.

I don't even know why it's such a big deal. It's just a pair of glasses. I mean, fine, I'll grant that she's basically blind without them. And sure, she went stumbling around headquarters for like six hours looking for them. And yeah, she accidentally wandered straight into a training exercise and nearly got her head chopped off. And okay, yes, she fell into the pond and would've drowned if Moblit hadn't fished her out. But she didn't actually die, and the glasses turned up in her uniform pocket, and it's obvious that she just misplaced them, so why is everyone so convinced that I took them?

For the record, I'm pretty sure it's because they're all biased against me. They think just because I'm from the Underground, I must be a thief—and that makes them think it's perfectly fine to accuse me without any evidence. Well, fuck them.

But just in case they do have any evidence that I haven't heard about yet, I also want to make it clear that even if I had stolen Hange's glasses, it only would have been because they're so goddamn filthy all the time and someone needed to clean them. But anyway, I didn't steal them—how would I have managed to slip them back into her pocket without anyone noticing? To pull something like that off, I would have to be the best damn pickpocket the Underground ever saw.

By the way, there's something I need to clear up. When I woke up this morning, there was a little wooden box next to my bunk. I was pretty surprised when I sniffed it and it smelled like real black tea. I was even more surprised when I took it to the kitchens, made a cup of tea with it, and found out that it actually was real black tea.

I assume that was you. I mean, it had to be you, right? I guess I don't know for sure, but everyone here hates me (except Furlan and Isabel, but there's no way they got their hands on tea like this). But you…

Every now and then I get the feeling that you might not hate me.

You know what, never mind. Forget it. Maybe it was a botched poisoning attempt, or you still felt guilty about what Flagon did, or you're just trying to win me over so that I'll fight for your stupid dream or whatever. But no matter why you did it, it's actually really good tea, so…thanks. I guess.

I can't help but wonder where you got it, though. Have you been hiding the good tea in your room the whole time, blondie? Honestly, I wouldn't put it past a privileged asshole like you to keep the good stuff all to yourself. At any rate, if you are hiding teain your room, I'll know soon enough. You can't keep it away from me.

After all, I'm the best damn pickpocket the Underground ever saw.

Disrespectfully yours,
Levi