A/N: So I have little explanation as to why I've been on such a long hiatus, so I won't bore you with specifics...just real life. If you need to know, PM me. That is if anyone's still reading, but I got a bug and wanted to write. Please be honest in reviews, but understand I'm rusty. It's been a while. I also can't promise when it'll happen again, but hopefully much sooner than later. Thanks for reading.
Chapter 5
seaQuest, North Sea, 150 miles from the coast of the Shetland Islands
Annoyance consumed Nathan as he headed to his quarters to give Bill a piece of his mind. I can't believe Bill would do this to me, he thought. I can't believe he'd go behind my back, that he'd try to deceive me like that. As if he knows what I need, as if he knows what's best for me... He acts like he knows me better than I know myself.
He paused as the thought twisted around inside his brain and doubt came rushing in. What if he does?
The unexpected thought made him stop in his tracks, discomfort settling over him like an icy breeze. Could that be possible? he wondered. Could Bill know me better than I know myself? He raised a hand to his chin, his fingers running through the thick whiskers of his beard before giving a shake of his head. No, not at all, he decided a moment later. There's no way Bill could guess my innermost thoughts and desires. He thinks he can pull a few strings, make Kristin wind up here, and I'd be happy about his meddling?
He put his hands on his hips and paced in small circles as his inner voice nagged at him. But you wanted to see her. From the moment she walked out your door, you wanted her back in your life, and you know it.
Nathan stopped pacing and frowned at the revelation. All right, it wasn't much of a revelation. It wasn't really a secret he never wanted Kristin out his life, and yes, he wanted her back in it as soon as she left...but not quite this way. He'd always hoped it would be of her own volition, that she'd come to her senses and call him up one day out of the blue. She'd tell him she never stopped loving him and that she hoped they could work it out. And in this fantasy of his, he'd always say yes, assure her that there was nothing she could do to make him stop loving her, and they'd live happily ever after.
Of course, there was a reason why that was a fantasy. In the real world, nothing ever went so easy, even when two people did stay together. And the truth was, he'd given up on the fantasy of Kristin coming back to him quite a while ago. A small part of him always hoped for it, but he'd also resigned himself to the fact she was never coming back. Had he not, he never would have been able to move on, have a normal life, so to speak.
And even now that she was back, he wasn't even sure what he expected. It wasn't quite the most romantic of reunions, and now that he found out it wasn't even something she wanted to do... Annoyance was slowly being replaced by anger. Who the hell does Bill think he is? Did he think Kristin and I would fall into each other's arms, forget everything that had happened, kiss and make up?
Except isn't that what you hoped would happen all along?
Nathan let out a heavy sigh. Yes, deep down in his heart, he'd love nothing more. He still loved Kristin, even now, after everything. Whatever reasons she had for leaving, he'd always told himself it could never stop him from loving her. Over the years, he'd ran every possible scenario as to why she'd left him through his head. And in every single one, no matter how bad it was, he could never bring his heart to let her go. If she'd asked him, he'd take her back in a second, do anything to make it work between them.
That is, if she wanted to. If was the operative word, however. It couldn't be one-sided, and it certainly couldn't be anyone pushing her to do it. He now understood why Kristin had been so nervous around him. He doubted she'd even ever planned on seeing him again, and then Bill comes up with this 'brilliant' plan…
What a damn fool! I'm going to wring his neck when I see him! His hands made tight fists as he began pacing again. I don't know why he thought this was a good idea. Everything is such a mess now. I don't know why he always thinks he can -
Nathan suddenly stopped short when he noticed where he was: directly in front of the guest quarters corridor. His thoughts about Bill faded away for the time being as his gaze settled on the door to Kristin's room.
He sucked in a deep breath as he took a few steps forward. I know Wendy said I shouldn't, but... He looked around to see if anyone was watching him, as if anyone would tell him he couldn't knock on a door on his own boat, but no. Save for a couple of night security officers standing guard at the main corridor, he was alone, and they didn't seem concerned with what he was doing.
I really should see if she's all right... I won't push her to talk, but I'm sure she'd appreciate a shoulder to cry on. He nodded, confirming it to himself. Despite what Wendy said, he didn't feel right not checking on her.
Nathan moved to stand in front of her door and raised his hand to knock but then decided against it. What if she's asleep already? Instead, he listened. For what seemed like a long while, he heard nothing. Maybe she is asleep, he reasoned. Well, that's good; she needs the rest. I'll check in on her tomorrow. He turned to go when he heard muffled sounds coming from the other side of the door. It sounded like... Soft sobbing? Nathan ran a hand through his hair. Damn.
Turning back to the door, he listened for a few moments longer, hearing more quiet sniffles. She's definitely crying, he decided. I can't leave her like this. He took another deep breath to steady his nerves and knocked gently, but there was no answer.
He waited a few moments before knocking again. "Kristin?" he called softly. "I, uh, I just came to see if you were all right."
"Oh...I-I see," came her muffled reply. "Th-thank you for doing that." He heard her blowing her nose. "I...I'm fine, really."
She sounded anything but fine; her voice was tight with emotion, but Nathan refrained from pointing that out. He knew she would only resist further if he did. Instead, he did his best to swallow down his rising concern and tried gentle persuasion instead, hoping that would wear her down. "Can I... Can I come in, please? I just want to help if I can."
He heard her feet scuffling across the floor a second later, heard her clear her throat. Yet a small part of him knew what she was going to say before she even spoke. "I don't..." she said in a wobbly voice. "I...I don't think that's a very good idea."
He scrubbed a hand across his face. Of course. He swallowed a disappointed sigh as a frown marred his features. "Why not?"
"Be...because I'm a mess," she told him in a strained voice.
Concern caused his lips to tremble slightly. "I doubt that."
"Nathan..." Her voice shook. "I'm okay, I promise."
"Let me be the judge of that."
"Look, I appreciate you checking on me, but I'm fine...really."
"You're not fine, Kris. You're crying." He did his best to keep his voice calm but hoped she could sense how worried he was. "Now can I come in? Please?"
He heard her heave a frustrated sigh. "I...I... Nathan, I will talk to you soon. I just need to sort a few things out by myself. I'll see you tomorrow, all right?"
"Kristin, I-" Nathan closed his eyes and bit his tongue as Wendy's words came back to him. You can't push her. She needs time. He grimaced slightly; he didn't like it, but tomorrow was better than nothing. "All right, as long as you're sure. But if you need anything, you-"
"I know," came her quiet reply. "And if I can't settle down enough to sleep, I'll page you. I have a PAL unit. Goodnight."
"Goodnight, Kristin. Sleep well," he told her, lingering in front of her door for a few seconds longer, silently hoping she'd change her mind. When it became apparent that wasn't going to happen, he finally backed away. Well, at least it doesn't sound like she's crying anymore. That's something.
He cast one final look towards her door. Feel better, Kris, he thought before continuing on his way back to his quarters.
••.•ǝʌol sᴉ sᴉɥʇ ɟᴉ•.••
UEO Headquarters
"Oh, that's more like it," Bill groaned as he allowed himself to sink into the soft leather of his office chair. He'd been in meetings all day, and the stiff-backed chairs in the conference rooms wreaked havoc on his body. Though he technically didn't need to be in his office, he wanted to handle a few things for tomorrow. The less time I need to spend in those blasted torture devices, the better. He made another mental note about getting the horrid contraptions replaced ASAP. It was something that was on his miles-long to-do list, the one that he hadn't gotten around to just yet. Then again, he hadn't had the displeasure of sitting in them quite so much until recently. The brass had only just decided they wanted to be more involved a week prior, and that meant many, many meetings.
Though Bill didn't mind filling the brass in, it did mean more time in those damn chairs. Once I get them replaced, it won't be so bad, he thought, leaning his head back and closing his eyes. I'll just rest a few minutes and then-
The buzzing intercom had something to say about that, pulling a sigh from Bill's lips. Naturally... His body groaned as he sat up, but he did his best to ignore it. Instead, he leaned over his desk, and hit a button. "Vera," he barked into the intercom, "this better be good. You know I was just about to go home." So, it was a little white lie, but this was the first free moment he'd had all day. Was it too much to ask for people to leave him alone for five minutes?
"Yes, sir, I'm well aware of that." Bill wasn't amused by his secretary's delightful tone. "I tried to explain that to Captain Bridger, but you know how persistent he can be..."
"Oh," he said, softening. "Well, for him, I'll make an exception." Admittedly, he'd been so busy, he'd forgotten what day it was. I almost wish I'd been a fly on the wall when he saw her. A grin played on his mouth. He's probably calling to thank me. "Patch him through, please."
"Right away, sir." There was a slight pause. "And good luck."
Bill was so focused on the thoughts dancing inside his head that Vera's last words were lost on him. Everyone will be so happy they got back together, he mused, reaching over to the vid-link and hitting the view button. He didn't miss the dark scowl on Nathan's face, however, Bill's joy quickly fading. Uh-oh, he thought, maybe this isn't exactly a social call after all... "Nathan, hello. Is everything-"
"What did you do, Bill?" Nathan asked, crossing his arms over his chest.
Bill heard the irritation in his friend's voice, only he couldn't fathom just what he did to make him upset. His eyebrows knitted together. "Excuse me?"
Nathan rolled his eyes. "Really? You're going to play innocent? You absolutely have no idea why I could be calling?"
"Well, I thought I did, but considering you seem to be angry..." He shook his head. "I'm sorry, I really don't. What's going on?"
"Our guest scientist," Nathan said with a sigh. "Did you really not know who you were sending?"
"Oh, well..." Bill ran a shaky hand through his thinning hair. "When I spoke with Dr. Ellis, I didn't know for sure he'd send Kristin." He purposely left out the part about asking that Kristin be the only scientist sent. It was a lie of omission, yes, but seeing as Nathan was already angry...
"But you knew she worked there, didn't you?"
He gave a solemn nod.
"And you didn't think to mention it to me?" Nathan began pacing back and forth. "You never thought it pertinent to let me know my ex could possibly show up on my doorstep?" He stopped to eye him carefully. "And even before that... You never thought to tell me you knew where she was?"
Bill held up his hands in surrender. "I think you're getting ahead of yourself... If you knew where she was, would that really have made a difference?" Before Nathan could reply, he pressed on, saying, "By the time I found out, you were already trying to get back on with your life. I wasn't even sure how to bring it up..."
"Nathan, I know where Kristin is might have been a nice start."
Bill ignored the bite of sarcasm that tinged Nathan's voice. "I didn't tell anyone I found her."
Nathan was quiet for several moments. When he spoke again, his initial anger seemed to have faded. "Still, you could have warned me."
"I imagined it'd be a nice surprise," he admitted with a sigh. "I thought you might actually be happy to see her after so long."
"I was... Am," Nathan corrected with a slight grimace. "I mean, it was a little awkward at first. It still is, actually, but maybe... Well, when all is said and done, maybe Kristin and I can still be friends."
Bill gave himself an imaginary pat on the back for a job well done, a boyish grin spreading across his face. "See, that's what I was hoping for. It's about time you two talked things out." He paused as a thought occurred to him. "Wait, if you're glad she's there, then why are you so angry?"
Nathan shot him a disgruntled look. "Because it's not exactly sunshine and roses here."
"I'm sure it's not as bad as you think," Bill said, waving a dismissive hand. "Where is Kristin right now?"
"Crying in her room."
It was Bill's turn to cross his arms over his chest and demand, "What did you do?"
Nathan shook his head. "I didn't do anything." He made a face. "Not this time anyway."
Bill's eyebrows feathered upwards. "Then what is it?"
"It was Lucas, and it's all my fault." He scrubbed a hand across his face and heaved a frustrated sigh. "The moment I knew Kristin was here, I should have pulled him aside and talked to him, prepared him a little. I knew how angry he was about the whole situation, and it was naive of me to think his anger would suddenly melt away at the sight of her."
Bill couldn't hide the grimace on his face, but it was more due to his own guilt rather than what Nathan was telling him. I had promised Kristin I'd call to check on her, he thought, drumming his fingers on his desk. Damn. Because he'd been in meetings all day, it had completely slipped his mind. I just hope I can make it up to her somehow... He swallowed hard and turned his gaze back to the screen. "I'm going to guess he had words with her?"
"In front of everyone." Nathan frowned his disapproval. "I tried talking to her, but she won't let me in. And I haven't even tried talking to Lucas yet. Wendy says I should leave them both alone until tomorrow, that things will be better in the morning, but..." He trailed off, shaking his head.
"You don't believe her?" Bill finished for him.
Nathan nodded. "But it's not that I don't believe her exactly. I just... I know I'd sleep better knowing that Kristin wasn't locked in her room crying and Lucas wasn't locked in his being angry. You shouldn't let the sun set on your anger, you know?" Nathan resumed pacing, his brow puckered as he considered what to say next. Finally, he turned to Bill and said, "It's not that I can't understand Lucas' anger. Of course I can. I'm still angry, too, but I'm willing to cast differences aside for the time being..." Annoyance clouded his features. "I just wish I could get him to understand."
"Well... You've got to remember he's still a kid in a lot of ways." Bill was sure to keep his tone light, non-confrontational. Last thing he needed was to infuriate Nathan again. He didn't have the energy to appease him a second time. God, it's hell getting old, he thought before saying, "Sure, he might be an adult in age, but he's still an emotionally charged teenager at the same time."
"So, you think I'm being too hard on him?"
"No, but I do think you need to realize you can't fix everything. Look, I know you feel responsible for everyone on that boat, especially when it comes to Lucas, but you're only human. It's not always up to you to make it right. You've got to let Lucas make his own mistakes so he can learn from them; in that same regard, you've got to let him fix his own mistakes as well." Bill gave a slight shrug. "I know you won't like it, but I think Wendy's right on this. Just give it time."
Nathan's eyebrows knitted together as he pondered on what Bill told him. He finally nodded slowly. "Wendy said much the same thing...that they both need time." He frowned. "You're right, I don't like it. I just hate feeling powerless, and I didn't want Kristin's first day to be quite like this. I mean, despite what happened, if she's going to be here for a while, I'd like it to be pleasant for her."
Bill nodded sympathetically. "Tomorrow will be better. I mean, you said it yourself... You've got some deep-seated emotions over what happened, and so does Lucas. It was just a matter of time something like this would happen. Better it happen now to get it out of the way rather than later, wouldn't you say?"
Nathan's brow rose in doubt. "I suppose..."
"That way, you all can move on from this. Trust me, tomorrow has to be better."
He shrugged. "I really don't have much choice. I'll have to try to believe that's true."
"Good." Bill breathed a small sigh of relief. "You going to be able to sleep?"
"Eventually." As Nathan shot him a glare, Bill felt an overwhelming urge to squirm in his chair, as if he were a naughty child caught taking candy before dinner. "Don't think this means you're off the hook, though. I'm still not particularly pleased you tried pulling the wool over my eyes..."
"I wouldn't expect anything less, but you love me for it. Oh, by the way, just in case you ever call the house, don't mention anything about Kristin to Janet." Bill made a face as a bubble of guilt swirled in is belly. "At least not yet."
Nathan's mouth dropped open slightly. "You haven't told her?"
He shook his head. "You want an uninvited guest showing up at your doorstep?"
"I see your point. But when you do tell her, I had nothing to do with it," he said, holding up his hands. "That's your department."
"I know, and I promise I'll keep you out of it. I plan on telling her when the time is right."
"You mean a day or two before Kristin's due back in Southampton?"
"Something like that," he replied, giving him a wink. "Anyway, just try to relax. Everything will work itself out."
"I'll try," Nathan replied. "Thanks for your help."
"Anytime, Nathan. I'll call and check up on things tomorrow." And this time, I won't forget.
••.•ǝʌol sᴉ sᴉɥʇ ɟᴉ•.••
seaQuest
Wendy had every intention of turning in for the night. Tomorrow will be better, she told herself as she pulled a nightshirt out of her dresser. Except...
A heavy sigh escaped her as she set the nightshirt down on her bunk and closed the drawer. She couldn't put her finger on it, but she felt uneasy. Probably all the unrest on the boat. As an empath, she was used to feeling a slew of disjointed emotions; she couldn't always pinpoint the source, though tonight was a different story. Everyone on the boat was likely feeling exactly what she was. It was difficult to relax after what happened.
She hugged herself and rubbed her arms gently in an effort to calm herself, shut her eyes, and took a few deep breaths. Come on, Wendy, calm down. There's really nothing that can be done until tomorrow anyway.
After a few minutes, she felt a little better, opening her eyes again. Besides, if you're going to be any help to any of them, you're going to need your rest, and you said it yourself... They both need time. She nodded, confirming it to herself and picked up her nightshirt once again; she was about to go put it on when something made her stop short.
No, please, I...
Wendy's eyebrows knitted together. Who was that? As a telepath, she was constantly bombarded with thoughts; that came with the territory, something she was used to. Because she didn't know what it was like to not be telepathic, she'd mastered the art of blocking them out as much as she could...except for the times when she realized someone was calling out to her specifically, that is.
Of course, many people had also mastered the brick wall trick. Since it came to light that psychics, telepaths, and empaths were much more commonplace than 'normal' people knew, fear was rampant. "Watch out for the spyers!" people would say. She'd heard it on the news, read it in the papers... Hell, just a few short months ago, Charles Ross, also known as 'the Avatar' brought wide-spread panic concerning psychics. Yes, the UEO had offered apologies and compensation when all was said and done, but the stigma was still there. Many were still afraid, and there was no way they wanted a spyer invading their minds.
Doctor Westphalen seemed different, however. For whatever reason, she barely batted an eyelash when Wendy admitted what she was to her. Then again, she didn't seem that taken aback to having GELF onboard either. Of course, she thought with a slight shudder, considering the things I've encountered as CMO... Well, it didn't need to be said that some things they've stumbled upon seemed as though they were right out of some old science fiction movie. Not in a million years would anyone ever dream that deinosuchus would be alive and well or that the Greek god Neptune was actually real. And those were just a couple of things Wendy had encountered. Kristin has probably seen all that and then some, she thought with a nod. I'll bet she could tell me a story or two...
Wendy suddenly realized everything was silent. She smiled softly, shaking her head. Clearly, I was jumping the gun. Besides, the last thing anyone wants is-
Please, I...I can't do this alone. I wish someone could... I need help. Damn it, Kristin, why did you send him away?
"Kristin?" Wendy sighed heavily, absentmindedly wringing the nightshirt in her hands. Now what? " She's certainly not making it easy to ignore..."
Of course, Wendy didn't think Kristin even realized she was reaching out to her at all. She guessed the 'him' was the captain. I knew he couldn't wait until morning, Wendy thought with a frown. Then again, I obviously can't either. She paced silently for a few moments, debating what she should do.
She stuffed the nightshirt back in her drawer and started towards the door. Forget what I said before; I don't think I'll be able to sleep anyway... I'm coming, Kristin. Just hold on!
I can't believe her!
Wendy stopped short. "Someone else now?"
She thought I wouldn't still be angry with her? She thought I'd run up and hug her after everything? I can't believe everyone else is so blind to her ways! And I can't believe the captain of all people!
"Lucas," Wendy muttered with a frustrated frown, not needing any more clues than that. "Of course, I should have known."
Maybe I shouldn't have treated her quite so terribly, though...
A brow rose and a soft smile tugged at her features. "That's very mature of you, Lucas. Now if only I could get you to tell Kristin that..." She dropped her hand from the door handle and stepped back. "Remember what you told the captain, though? If you wait, Lucas might take it upon himself to speak with her." She closed her eyes tightly and focused. Please just go talk to her, Lucas, she begged as if he could hear her thoughts.
I'm just so angry with her! I can't believe everyone else wants to pretend like nothing happened. I can't do that! I just can't!
A sigh escaped her. "Oh, Lucas... No one's expecting you to pretend, not even Kristin." She chewed nervously on her bottom lip, trying to stop herself from running to either of them. "I have to trust they'll figure it out themselves," she finally muttered.
But I can't sleep like this either... Maybe I should...
Oh, Lucas, yes, Wendy silently encouraged. Go talk to her. It's what you both need. She swallowed hard in anticipation. Please!
I need answers from her, Lucas finally decided. And maybe after, we can still be... Well, whatever we were before.
"Oh, thank goodness!" Wendy said happily. She grabbed her nightshirt of its drawer again. "And I didn't even need to meddle." She crossed her fingers. "Let's just hope it goes well." She then walked to the small desk in her cabin and took out her earbuds. "But it's time for me to stop listening and get some sleep."
••.•ǝʌol sᴉ sᴉɥʇ ɟᴉ•.••
Kristin continued to cry softly with her head in her hands and ran both hands through her hair. "Please," she muttered bitterly through tears. "I...I can't do this alone. I don't know why -"
I tried to tell you not to send anyone away, but you wouldn't listen. Now look where it's got you.
"You again?" Kristin frowned at her heart's condescending tone as she wiped at her eyes. "You just can't give it a rest, can you? You really think badgering is going to help?"
How else am I going to get you to listen? I've tried everything else. After a pause, she heard her heart give a heavy sigh. Kristin, I know you're scared, but if you'd just go out there, talk to Nathan, talk to anyone, really, you'll feel better. I just can't stand seeing you like this. I'm not trying to be a killjoy, really. I just want you to open up to someone. You can't stay in here like this. Nothing good ever comes from self-pity.
Kristin swallowed her nasty retort and wiped at her eyes with the back of her hand. Though she didn't want to admit it, she knew her heart was right. She really needed to speak to someone, but the truth was, she didn't trust herself around Nathan, fearing she'd move too fast, give into desires. Yes, she knew the two of them would need to have an important talk...well, several important talks...in the near future, but right now, she just felt it was too risky to be with him when she was feeling so vulnerable. Yet she wasn't really keen on airing her dirty laundry to anyone else on board either. Though it's not like everyone didn't already know a thing or two about what happened, considering Lucas' lovely display, she thought.
Lucas... Now that was another matter entirely. She sighed heavily. He's right. I really should have contacted him somehow, let him know I wasn't angry with him, let him know I still loved him like he was my own. I knew how absent his parents were, how much he needed me in his life... I was terribly selfish. I don't blame him for -
Selfish how? Isn't one of the reasons you left because of him? Wasn't it so you didn't get in the way of-
"Shh! You can't talk about that," Kristin muttered. "He can't ever be told that!"
What? You mean you came all this way and vowed to tell everyone the truth, but you're going to keep that one bit of information to yourself? That's not the way to earn their trust again, you know.
"It's got nothing to do with trust," Kristin reasoned. "I mean, I do want them to trust, but Lucas… I don't need him to blame himself for anything I did."
For him, her heart reminded. I thought you were going to stop keeping secrets? Besides, if Lucas knew, don't you think it might bring you two closer together?
"Or it could make him even angrier."
It doesn't mean you can't fix it, though, her heart interrupted. He's still so young; he needs you, even if he doesn't want to admit it. You did what you did because you love him. You should let him know it.
Kristin's brow furrowed. "Be that as it may, I think I'm the last person he wants to see right now. You know how he spoke to me, what he said. If I went to his cabin, I think he'd slam the door in my face."
Maybe, maybe not. You won't know until you try, her heart reasoned. Besides, you know you need to talk to someone. If you don't start repairing the relationships you broke, the wolf will consume you. He's done it before.
At the mention of that vile creature, an involuntary shudder went through Kristin's body, vague memories of that awful time in her life floating back to her. She even swore she heard the tap of his claws on the floor, smelled the musk of his fur invading her nostrils. "P-please, don't talk about that," she choked out, her eyes darting around the room to make sure he wasn't there. "I don't need to be reminded. I'm well aware of what happened to me...us."
Right, of course, her heart continued. I remember. That's why you know what you have to do to keep him away. With the way he was before... He's so hungry now. He won't leave you alone unless -
"Okay, okay, I get it," Kristin said as she stood up and dusted herself off. "You win." She went to the bathroom sink and looked in the mirror. "God, I look like hell." She began to run the cool water in an effort to wipe the tear stains from her face.
He doesn't care how you look. He just needs you, her heart reminded.
Kristin nodded, deciding that she was as presentable as she could get. She closed her eyes for a moment and said a silent prayer to the universe before making her way out of her quarters.
Once out in the hall, Kristin saw no one. She breathed a sigh of relief. The last thing I want is to bump into Nathan...or anyone else, for that matter. If she did, she was afraid she might get too intimidated, run the other way... And give into the wolf. Her heart flipped at the thought as her legs started to feel like jelly.
"No, Kristin, don't do this," she muttered to herself. "You've made it this far. Just keep going."
You can do this! her heart added.
Kristin nodded, continuing to put one foot in front of the other when she spotted movement out of the corner of her eye. She stopped when she realized she was outside the science lab. She saw Darwin sticking his head up over the side to peer at her. She smiled softly and walked over to him. "Have you come to wish me luck?" she asked, gently rubbing her hand along his head. "I'd forgotten how much I missed you."
The dolphin chattered quietly as he nuzzled against her.
"At least you're not angry with me," Kristin told him.
"Surprisingly," Lucas said flatly from behind her. "Though dolphins can get angry, I don't think Darwin holds grudges."
Kristin turned around to face him, seeing a slight smirk on his face. Maybe that's a good sign? "L-Lucas, I'm glad you're here, actually."
The teen moved to stand next to her and leaned against the moonpool, reaching to pet Darwin's head. "That makes one of us."
She shut her eyes tightly, his words stinging more than she expected. "I guess I deserve that," she said quietly.
"Damn right you do!"
Kristin jumped at his outburst, unsure of what else to say or do.
Just tell him the truth! He'll love you for it!
Will he? Kristin risked a glance towards him. Lucas gripped the side of the moonpool so tightly, his knuckles turned white; the expression on his face said anything but love.
If he didn't love you, he wouldn't be so angry, her heart reminded.
The truth was Kristin always wished she'd had more children, but she'd had such a complicated pregnancy with Cynthia… Physically, it just wasn't in the cards. One of her ex-husbands did have a son, and while she tried to get close to him, he wanted very little to do with her. When the marriage dissolved, so did the thought of her having any other children in her life. That was until she met Lucas.
Initially, she tried to keep the relationship professional. She wasn't assigned as his guardian, after all; that was Nathan's department. But the more she and Lucas worked together, the more her love for him grew. And when she learned his own mother barely had anything to do with him… She just couldn't bear it. If Lucas were her son, she couldn't imagine turning her back on him. Except that's exactly what I did.
For him! You need to explain that.
Lucas must have felt her eyes on him because he stole a glance at her, too. Except instead of seeing anger flashing in his eyes, she saw tears. She reached to place a hand on his shoulder. "Oh, Lucas…"
He pulled away, however, and wiped at his eyes. "Don't 'Oh, Lucas' me! This isn't…" He turned back towards the moonpool, staring into the water. "I can't forgive you that easily."
She bit her lip in order to stop it from trembling. "I wasn't going to ask you to, but…" She carefully moved to place a hand over his. To both her surprise and delight, he didn't pull away. "We can work it out, can't we? I...I know I have a lot to make up for, but if you'll let me, I'd like to try." She gave his hand a gentle squeeze. "I know it might be difficult for you to believe, but I...I really am sorry, Lucas. I am so sorry I left you, so sorry I hurt you. Believe it or not, that's the last thing I ever wanted to do."
They were both quiet for a long time, neither of them moving. Kristin was about to put an arm around his shoulders when she suddenly felt a splash of water.
"Darwin!" Lucas shouted. "That's not funny!"
The dolphin chattered in amusement, and Kristin stifled a smile herself, covering her mouth.
"You think this is funny?" he said, grabbing a towel from the wall and throwing one over to her. "I thought we were having a serious moment, and fish face over there decides to ruin it." Darwin swam away, looking quite pleased with himself.
She chuckled softly as she dried off. "I think he just wanted to remind us he was still there. And as usual, he wanted to play." She paused and looked over at him. "Does...does this mean you don't hate me?"
Lucas sighed, his smile fading. "Hate you?" He shook his head. "Hate is a pretty strong word. There aren't a lot of people around I truly hate." He looked into her eyes. "No, I don't hate you; I'm not sure I ever could. I...I was just angry... I still am, but I also decided..." He looked into her eyes and swallowed hard. "I've missed you...a ton. And since you're going to be here for a while, I figured I might as well talk. Besides, I wasn't going to be able to sleep unless we did anyway. I acted like a real jerk. I shouldn't have done that in front of everyone..."
Kristin didn't miss the falter in his voice, didn't miss that his eyes starting welling up with tears. She had to choke her own tears back, knowing that if she gave into emotion, she might not be able to explain anything. "Lucas, you don't need to-"
He put up a halting hand and then wiped at his eyes. "The captain was right. I shouldn't have treated you that way. I...I know I screwed up. I shouldn't have come at you like that. I was just upset and disappointed after everything. I'm really am sorry for some of the things I said. Maybe I was a little harsh, but..." He motioned towards her. "Doc, can you blame me? You left...without a word. Why? How...how could you do that to me? I thought we didn't have any secrets?"
Lucas' voice suddenly sounded so small, so helpless, she almost couldn't take it. "Oh, L-Lucas, I n-never meant..." Kristin frowned at the way her voice was trembling, knowing she was inches away from breaking down. She wiped at the tears welling up in her eyes.
Stay strong, Kristin! her heart cut in.
Normally, she'd have been upset with her heart's interruption, but this time, she welcomed it.
You can do this. Just take it slow!
That little bit of encouragement helped her compose herself. She moved to place a gentle hand to his cheek. "Oh, Lucas, you don't need to be sorry." She then moved her hand to her chest. "It's me. I'm the one who's sorry. You're absolutely right. I am nothing to celebrate. After everything... You have every right to be angry with me. I...it's just..."
"Doc, that's not true," he muttered. In a move that surprised her, Lucas moved to put an arm around her shoulders. It had caught her so off-guard that her legs suddenly felt weak. She responded in kind, placing her arm around him as well, but hers had a dual purpose. She was afraid if she didn't hang onto him, she may fall over. God, am I shaking? Pull yourself together, she thought, suddenly at a loss of how she planned on explaining everything to him at all.
Lucas must have sensed this her nervousness, because he led her away from the moonpool and across the hall into the science lab. He motioned towards the couch and chairs there. "This might be a little more private for us," he told her as he motioned for her to sit.
She nodded as she sat on the sofa and muttered a soft, "Thank you," before closing her eyes for a moment and taking another deep breath. Kristin felt Lucas' warm hand cover her own, causing her eyes to snap open again as he sat next to her. He gave her a sympathetic smile.
"It's just you and me, Doc," he said softly. "Just like we used to talk, right?"
"Y-yes, I know. I...I haven't..." She paused, scratching at some invisible dirt on the cushion next to her and fidgeting in her seat. "I'm just not sure where to start..." She paused and took his hand in hers as she debated what she wanted to tell him.
The truth will set you free, her heart reminded.
Kristin frowned. It wasn't that she didn't want to tell Lucas the truth; of course, she did. She just couldn't stand to hurt him any more than she already had. He'd been through so much with his own parents already… And I only added to that…
How do you know how he'll take it until you explain it? her heart countered. He's matured quite a lot in the past few years. I think he'll understand and love you all the more for it.
Kristin's brow furrowed in debate. Her heart had a point; Lucas had matured. Except what if he didn't take her abandonment to be such a selfless gesture after all? What if it only caused more issues for him in the long run? What if, what if, what if…
You're stalling, her heart cut in. You know you could go on for ages imagining every terrible scenario, and it wouldn't get you anywhere. Also, don't forget you've got the wolf to think about...
An involuntary shudder went through her at the mention of him again. You don't need to keep reminding me about that.
"Doc?"
Lucas' voice pulled her out of her head again. She turned to him, concern marring his features. "S-sorry," she muttered. "I was just trying to decide where exactly to start…"
He smiled softly and put an arm around hers. "The beginning is usually a good place."
She sighed heavily. He was right, but she wasn't keen on telling him every intimate, sordid detail. That had to be reserved for Nathan. Lucas would get the abridged version, at least for now. If after she and Nathan spoke, Lucas found out the rest, that was fine.
Then you better explain it to him.
She nodded slightly. "Be-before we start," she told Lucas, "Please know that some things... Some things are private for the captain and me...at least for now. I... I know you're very mature, and please know that it's not that I'm withholding information because I don't think you're adult enough to handle it. I just…" She lowered her gaze. "There are some things I just can't tell you, not yet."
"Right, I get it," he replied. "Though it's probably nothing I haven't heard before. You seem to forget I lived through my parents' divorce. I've heard more than a thing or two about unhappy relationships." He paused as his eyebrows knitted together. "Though I will say I didn't realize you and the captain were that unhappy. In fact, I don't even remember you two even arguing all that much."
She shook her head. "You're right. We weren't that unhappy, and I think that was part of the problem."
A brow rose. "What? I thought when two people broke up, it was because they usually couldn't stand one another? Not because they loved one another."
She shrugged. "I think there are many reasons why people break relationships off. In my case…" And it was suddenly like a flood. She told Lucas about finding the ring, about not being ready to get married again. Though Lucas knew she'd been married and divorced, she wasn't sure he knew exactly how many times; she didn't bring it up. "...and I just didn't want to break his heart by turning him down."
"So you thought it'd be better to just leave instead? Just because you didn't want to get married didn't mean you two had to break up."
"That's usually how it works, Lucas. If a man gives a woman a ring, and she turns him down, he usually doesn't stick around."
"So you thought you'd break his heart before he broke yours?" he asked.
"No, no, that's not…" She gave a heavy sigh. "I suppose that's what it sounds like, doesn't it? But that's not what I was trying to do. I was just… I didn't think it was fair to him. Even if he didn't break up with me after I'd turned down his proposal, was that fair? If he wants to get married, then he should find a woman who's willing to do that." She stood, on the verge of tears again. "That...that's not me, Lucas. I can't."
After a long pause, Lucas moved to stand next to her and placed a hand on her shaking shoulders. "Except he found you, Doc. He loves you. He doesn't want anyone else."
She wiped away the stray tears that had fallen on her cheeks. "He...he told you that?"
"Not exactly," Lucas replied, pulling her into a hug. "But have you asked yourself why he isn't dating anyone now?"
"I...I thought he and Wendy...for a while…" she muttered into his shoulder.
Lucas shook his head. "Wendy was just a… It was more of a misunderstanding than anything. There were others. Dates, I mean, but the captain, he never… He always had an excuse as to why it wouldn't work out. Truth was, though he'd never come out and say it, I was pretty sure he was comparing them all to you. Because he doesn't want anyone else. He never did."
Kristin simply buried her head into his chest and sobbed, unable to say anything more. Because in her heart, she knew it was true. And she knew her heart wanted the same thing. But if she gave in, what would it cost everyone involved?