207012
A cloaked figure was trying to escape the time police.
"I must admit I'm impressed," one officer, Dundgren, said to his partner, Lolph. "No one's broken out of the Infinetentiary before."
"He's either the bravest time-convict or the dumbest," Lolph added.
The figure turned towards a wall and ran into it.
"Ow!" he cried.
His hood fell off revealing him to be Blendin Blandin.
"Definitely the dumbest," Dundgren muttered before bringing out his gun. "Freeze! You've been surrounded by the Time Paradox Avoidance Enforcement Squadron! Anything you say can and already has been used against you in future court. This is it, Blendin. End of the timeline. Any last words?"
Blendin struggled to find the right words. As the officers got closer to cuffing him, he said the first thing that came to mind.
"I invoke Globnar!"
Dundgren got rid of the cuffs and picked up a tablet.
"Very well," he said. "Speak the name and century of those accused."
"The two kids that ruined my life," Blendin replied. "Dipper and Mabel Pines, twenty-first century."
On the tablet, a live feed showed Dipper and Mabel Pines playfully hitting each other with plastic baseball bats.
The footage appeared on every screen in the area. They were labeled, 'Globnar Tributes'.
"So be it," said Lolph. "May Time Baby have mercy on their souls."
Play Gravity Falls Intro Music
A bus stops in the small town of Gravity Falls. Dipper and Mabel get off the bus. In front of them is the town's star attraction, The Mystery Shack. Their great-uncle, Stan, invites them inside.
The twins look around the shack. They're both curious about everything.
Later, the Pines investigate a strange footprint with four toes instead of five. None of them realize they're standing in a much larger footprint.
DIPPER
Dipper looks around a cave holding a candle for light. He comes across a strange skeleton that scares him. He drops his candle, getting rid of his only source of light.
MABEL
Mabel stands in a room wearing a purple sweater with stars, her name, and a rainbow. She plugs an outlet into her sweater, causing it to glow.
STAN
Stan tells the twins, Wendy, and Soos a scary story. Soos and the twins are terrified while Wendy is completely unfazed. However, none of them notice the scary creature behind them.
WENDY
Wendy sits in front of the cash register, minding her own business. She doesn't notice the nearby jar of eyeballs turning to face her.
SOOS
Soos spins around the living room wearing multiple jewels on his clothes. Mabel shines a flashlight, and the light reflects off of the jewels creating a beautiful lightshow.
Dipper and Mabel lay in their room. Mabel reads a girl magazine while laying on the floor. Dipper reads a journal while laying on his bed. After a second, everyone and everything begins to float off the ground. Dipper is the only one who notices something off.
End Intro
One Cruel Summer
Chapter 13
Blendin's Game
Present Day
The twins tried to get a piece of candy from the vending machine. It got stuck the moment it was pushed off the shelf.
"No!" Mabel shouted. "Everything is terrible forever!"
That's when Soos approached them.
"Hey dudes," he whispered. "Wanna know a trick?"
Soos tapped the edge of the machine in a rhythmic motion, opening it up. He then grabbed as many snacks as he could.
"This just in," he said. "Weather stations are calling for a candy blizzard!"
Soos dropped all the candy as if he was making the room snow.
"Forget unwrapping them," Mabel said. "I'm eating them now!"
Mabel scarfed as much wrapped candy as she could into her mouth. She instantly regretted it.
"Soos, you are the greatest human to ever live," Dipper smiled.
"No sweat, dude," Soos replied. "I'd do anything for the Pines family."
"Soos, I need to scratch myself in two places at once!" Stan called from upstairs.
"And I mean anything!" Soos said before heading upstairs. "Coming, Mr. Pines!"
Dipper noticed that Soos forgot his wallet.
"Gotta make sure he gets his wallet back," he said to himself.
"Wait!" Mabel said. "I've never seen Soos' wallet before. Don't you want to learn some Soos secrets?"
"Mabel, I don't know if we should…" Before Dipper could finish, he noticed a card in the wallet. His curiosity got the better of him, and he pulled it out. "Whoa, Soos has a membership to laser tag?" He turned it around to see it said 'Ages twelve and under'. "I didn't know they let grown-ups in there."
He then noticed Soos' ID card.
"Jesus Alzamirano Ramirez," he read. "Organ donor, birthday: July 13… wait a minute. That's today. I wonder why he didn't tell us."
"Probably because he wants someone to throw him a surprise party," Mabel theorized. "I can relate. I've been waiting for a surprise party my whole life."
Right as she said that, Candy showed up with a handful of confetti.
"Surprise!" she shouted as she threw the confetti in the air.
"Too little too late, Chiu," Mabel said sternly.
Later, Dipper and Mabel were outside with Candy and Grenda.
Grenda was painting a birthday banner. It read, 'IT'S YOUR BIRTHDAY YO!'
"More exclamation points!" Mabel demanded.
"Wow, you thought of everything," Grenda remarked.
"Twins are born birthday experts."
Dipper just finished setting up a cake.
"That's right," he said. "We shared every birthday together, so we know how to make them perfect." He and Mabel fist-bumped before Dipper heard footsteps. "Places everyone."
The three ran behind a nearby table. They watched as Candy led a blindfolded Soos outside.
"Alright, you promised a giant hummingbird," Soos said.
Candy removed the blindfold.
Dipper, Mabel, and Grenda popped out from behind the table.
"Surprise!" they all shouted.
"Happy birthday, king on earth!" Mabel said. "We got all your favorite things. Cake-flavored pizza, pizza-flavored cake, and one more treat."
Dipper opened the curtain of a small stage. Toby Determined did a small tap dance.
"Razzle dazzle, friend," he said. "This is what my life has become."
Mabel failed to notice how terrified Soos was. She took out a camera.
"Quick!" she said. "Everyone pose for the Birthday Smiles Memory Album!"
Once everyone got into frame, Mabel snapped the photo.
The picture printed out of the camera. The kids gathered to look at it. They noticed the sad look on Soos' face.
"Soos, what's wrong?" Dipper asked.
"It's nothing," Soos replied defensively. "I gotta go fix a pipe."
Soos ran back inside. Wendy and Stan came out right after.
"Whoa, did you see Soos?" Wendy asked before she noticed the party. "Oh no. You didn't know, so I don't blame you, but Soos hates his birthday. It's a total mystery. I guess he's been like this since he was a kid. Some weird personal biz."
"There's gotta be something we can do," Mabel said.
"We tried everything," Stan said. "I even petitioned the government to have this day removed from calendars. Now I'm not allowed on airplanes."
They turned to see Soos sitting in front of the porch holding a postcard.
"I think it's best if we leave him alone," Wendy said.
"No one should be alone on their birthdays," Mabel retorted. "There's gotta be a way to cheer him up. We just need to try harder. Time to bring out the big guns."
The kids led Soos to the laser tag arena. Soos was once again blindfolded.
"Alright guys," Soos said. "Blindfold me once, shame on you. Blindfold me twice…" He stopped talking when he heard the sound of lasers. "Wait a minute. Hot dog smell, sticky floors, future sounds?"
Soos took off his blindfold to see he was at the laser tag arena.
"Laser tag?" he said. "I love laser tag. How did you know?"
"We didn't rifle through your wallet," Mabel lied.
Dipper elbowed Mabel before laughing awkwardly.
Wendy noticed the wall looked off. She touched it. It felt soft.
"Are these walls just mattresses painted purple?" she asked.
"I think this place used to be a mattress store," Stan said.
"I'm not sure if I'm up for this," Soos told the twins.
"Don't worry, Soos," Dipper assured. "As soon as you start playing with us, you're gonna have a great time."
"We promise no matter what happens, we won't leave your side," Mabel added.
After everyone put on their vests, they waited for the door to open. Once it did, Stan, Wendy, Candy, and Grenda ran into the arena. The rest were about to follow, but Soos stopped to tie his shoelace.
The twins ran into the arena. The environment was completely white. The door behind them was blocked by high-tech lasers.
"Whoa, this is cooler than I imagined," Mabel remarked before noticing the cops in front of her. "Look how real these laser guys are."
Mabel kicked the cop in the shins. All she heard was a metal clank.
"Kick deflected," said a voice on the pants. "Thank you for buying digicod, the smart codpiece."
Dipper turned around to see the door disappear.
"Oh no, Soos!" he shouted.
Mabel tried to kick the door down. Nothing happened.
"Nice try," said the cop on the right. "But that's solid time-tanium, kid. There's only one way out of here."
"Through me!" said a second, more obnoxious, voice.
The twins turned around to see a familiar floating head and hands.
"Oh, whoops," it said.
It quickly adjusted itself to reveal a full body wearing a gray jumpsuit.
The twins gasped.
"The time-traveler guy!" Mabel said. "What was your name again? Blendo? Blondin?"
Dipper snapped his fingers. "Blendin!"
"That's Blendin Blenjamin Blandin to you!" Blendin yelled. "You both ruined my life! Initiate flashback!"
Blendin changed the room to replay events from the past.
"It started when you stole my time device to win your stupid pig!" Blendin explained. "I was cast out of the Time Anomaly Removal Crew, my whole life's purpose, then I was given ten-squared life sentences in time-prison. I spent every day since then planning my vengeance, and now, it has finally come! Dipper and Mabel Pines, welcome to Globnar!"
Blendin gestured to the other side of the room. A door opened to reveal a futuristic arena.
"Are we in Japan?" Mabel wondered.
"It's gladiatorial time combat!" Blendin yelled. "The winner gets a precious time wish and then decides the loser's fate! The two of you are officially challenged!"
"Dipper, we need a way out of here," Mabel said. "But how?"
Dipper noticed one of the cops had a time machine.
"I have an idea," he whispered. "Hang in there, Soos. We're coming for you."
Mabel approached the cop with a smile on her face.
"Oh my stars!" she said. She read the nametag. "Lolphy, it's your great-great-great-great-grandmother from the past times."
Lolph fell for the trick easily.
"Gam-Gam?" he asked.
Dipper managed to get the tape measure.
Blendin was getting his face painted when he noticed Dipper stealing the time machine.
"Stop them!" he shouted.
Dipper and Mabel made a run for it.
"Gam-Gam, how could you?" Lolph asked.
"I ain't no one's Gam-Gam, sucker!" Mabel shouted. "You just got time-tricked! Hurry, back to Soos' birthday!"
Dipper pulled the tape.
"Got it!" he said.
He pushed the button, then grabbed Mabel's hand.
When they opened their eyes, they were falling. They screamed until they landed safely on a mattress.
"Are we back?" Mabel asked.
Dipper noticed other mattresses and beds lying around.
"Mabel, look!" he said. "Mabel, the laser place is a mattress store. We went back too far."
"Why does time-travel have to be so complicated?" Mabel asked.
They turned and noticed Blendin and the time cops were about to arrive. They quickly hid under the bed.
"Looks like they overshot their destination by ten years," said Lolph.
"I don't see them," Blendin said.
"You'll get your justice, Blendin."
"I'm gonna keep stuttering until you find them! I-I-I-I…"
"I hate that guy," Dipper muttered.
The twins watched as Blendin and the cops left the store.
"Okay, we just got to go forward ten years," Dipper said. "We can be back before Soos realizes we were gone."
They noticed that the tape measure was broken.
"Can we fix it?" Mabel asked.
"Maybe," Dipper replied. "But I'm gonna need some tools." He noticed a sign that said, 'Mystery Shack, one mile'. "And I think I know where to get some."
The twins walked down the street.
"We gotta be careful," said Dipper. "We can't accidentally change the future."
That's when a couple of little girls almost ran the twins over with tricycles.
It only took Dipper a second to recognize the first girl as none other than Wendy Corduroy, only ten years younger.
It did take Dipper a little longer to realize who the second girl was. Once he noticed the blonde hair, though, he could only assume it was a ten-year-younger Pacifica Northwest.
"Oops, sorry," Wendy apologized.
Pacifica and Wendy leaned towards each other and whispered something. They then pointed at Dipper.
"My friend thinks you're cute," they both told Dipper in unison before turning towards each other. "Oh my gosh, shut up!"
Dipper blushed a little bit.
"Thank you," he said. "I mean, you're both really young, so that's weird."
"Yeah, creep," Mabel teased.
The twins made it to the Mystery Shack. They saw Stan presenting something to a group of customers. They used the distraction as an opportunity to sneak in through the window.
Dipper noticed a convenient toolbox sitting there. Dipper grabbed a red screwdriver and started tinkering with the time machine.
Mabel turned around and saw a kid around her age banging on the vending machine.
"Come on, candy," he said. "Fall."
"Allow me," Mabel said. "You just need to know a guy on the inside."
Mabel used the same method that Soos taught her earlier to open the vending machine.
She then turned to see that the kid's face looked familiar.
"Thanks, dawg," he said in a chill voice. "You must be some kind of genius."
Dipper just finished fixing the time machine.
"Dipper, look!" Mabel shouted, gesturing to the kid.
It didn't take long for Dipper to realize who the kid was. It was none other than Soos Ramirez.
An elderly woman approached Soos. She had long, spiked hair. She wore a pink shirt and skirt, and a white apron.
"Mi precioso," she said. "You keep wandering off. You don't want to be late for your big day."
"Sorry, Abuelita," Soos said before noticing Mabel. "Hey, can I invite her and her friend to my party too? She's a genius that taught me how to open the vending machine."
"We'd love to, but…" Dipper was about to say.
"Yes, we'd love to come," Mabel interrupted before turning to Dipper. "Dipper, this might be the day where that personal biz went down. We can find out why Soos hates his birthday."
Dipper looked at the time machine before making his decision. "Alright, we'll go with you. We can't be here long, though. We're only visiting for a short while."
"Yay!" Soos cheered.
Later, Dipper and Mabel were at Soos' house. They were standing in the backyard drinking cups of punch. They were mainly watching Soos, who seemed like his usual bright and cheerful self.
That's when a couple of older ladies approached Soos.
"Who's the birthday boy?" one asked playfully.
"It's you," the other said.
"Soos, you're such a ladies' man," Soos' abuela remarked.
"They're my cousins, Grandma!" Soos yelled. "Gross!"
"Look, mijo," Abuela said as she opened a box. "I got you a race car cake."
"I don't know why Soos hates his birthdays," Dipper whispered to Mabel. "This looks great."
Knowing it was likely cake time, Dipper took a seat at the edge of the table.
"Dude, do you mind switching seats?" Soos asked. "That's the seat of honor."
"Who's it for?" Dipper asked.
"It's for my dad, actually. I haven't seen him in eight years, but he's coming today." The doorbell rang. "That's him."
Soos ran inside the house. Dipper followed, not noticing that the screwdriver fell out of his pocket.
Dipper watched from the doorway to the living room as Soos answered the door. A mailman handed Soos a postcard.
"Sorry champ," Soos read aloud. "Couldn't make it this year. Real busy again. See you next year for sure, Dad."
Dipper realized what this meant. He started to feel bad.
"Don't sweat it, Soos," Dipper tried to console. "You'll see him next year."
"Yeah, next year," Soos said sadly. He placed the postcard in a box filled with seven other postcards. "I'm gonna go lay down. Party without me, dude."
Dipper walked out and met up with Mabel.
"Mabel, I know why Soos hates his birthday," he said.
He relayed everything he witnessed to Mabel.
"This is awful," she said. "We wished him a happy birthday, but now we can't. This goes beyond anything we know how to fix."
"They're over here somewhere!" came Blendin's voice.
The twins ran behind the tree to hide.
"Man, the sooner I defeat those kids, the sooner I get my time wish," Blendin said.
"Tell you what I'd do if I had a time wish," said Dundgren. "Retire early, spend more time with the kids…"
"Nya nya nya with the kids! Don't you know a time wish can do literally anything, any impossible problem solved just like that? Imagine the possibilities!"
An idea came into Dipper's mind.
"The time wish," he said. "Mabel, we can beat Blendin in that space battle, win that wish, and wish that Soos' dad came to his twelfth birthday, then Soos' birthday can be fixed forever!"
"But do you think we can win Globnar?" Mabel asked.
"It's the only chance we have. Besides, it's for Soos. He'd do the same for us."
The twins approached Blendin.
"We surrender," Dipper announced. "We're ready to challenge you."
"Yes!" Blendin cheered. "Let the Globnar begin!"
Blendin started to scream in excitement. Suddenly, a mute symbol appeared in front of his mouth and he stopped screaming.
"Hey, I found out I can mute him," said Lolph.
"I wish we'd known that earlier," said Dundgren.
"Initializing."
With a flash of light, the twins found themselves back in the arena. The crowd was cheering for Globnar.
After a while, a big baby with an infinity symbol on his forehead emerged from the ground.
"Silence!" he declared in a deep voice.
The crowd went silent.
"That's one big baby," Mabel remarked.
"I have a very important nap to get to, so let's make this quick," the baby said. "You each have a chance to settle your time-feud through gladiatorial combat."
"You have until Time Baby is done drinking the cosmic sand from this hourglass," said a nearby drone.
"No!"
"It's good for you!"
"When I get that time wish, you'll wish you were never born!" Blendin shouted. "Or rather, I will wish you were never born."
"Dream on," Dipper said. "There's two of us."
"And we have hair," Mabel added.
"Well, I have training!" Blendin showed he was wielding a spear despite the fact he was cuffed.
"Let the Globnar begin!" Time Baby declared.
The first match was the twins dueling Blendin while on a clock platform, while jumping over the hands to avoid being knocked down. The twins didn't realize the second part of the game until they were too late. Blendin got the first point.
The second match had them racing each other on a motorcycle track. The twins used a wheelie to get to the finish line first.
Then, Blendin chased the twins rolling on a giant clock. Mabel used her grappling hook to carry herself and Dipper away.
After that, Mabel and Blendin did a hot dog eating contest.
Next, they played a giant game of jenga.
In another game, they were playing time-chess against each other when a weird clock monster appeared out of nowhere and destroyed the board. The three had to work together to put the monster back in its cage.
"Very good," said Time Baby. "You escaped the Cyclocks. There is only one final challenge for Globnar. An ancient game thousands of years old chosen for its exemplification of pure strategy. The ancient art of laser tag." The arena changed to resemble a laser tag arena. "The one who touches the victory orb first will win."
Holographic vests and laser guns appeared on the players.
"Laser tag, really?" Dipper reacted.
"It may look easy now, but wait until they turn on that fog machine!" Blendin said. "You'll be done…"
Before he could finish that statement, Dipper started repeatedly shooting Blendin in the chest.
"Mabel, grab the orb!" he shouted.
Mabel grappled onto the platform where the orb was. She quickly grabbed it.
"It is finished!" Time Baby declared.
"No, no, no!" Blendin screamed.
"You have made victory in Globnar," Time Baby said. "Before I give you your time wish, tell us what fate you decide for the loser."
The twins needed a moment to decide.
"I know Blendin tried to wish us out of existence," Dipper said. "But it was kind of our fault for ruining his life."
"Yeah, and he's too sad to be a real bad guy," Mabel added.
"Maybe if we treat him right in the present, he'll turn out better in the future." Dipper turned to Time Baby. "As long as you keep an eye on him, we like to set Blendin free and restore his position at the Time Anomaly Correction Unit."
"And give him pretty hair," Mabel added.
Blendin's cuffs were released and he grew a head of hair.
"I got my job back!" he cheered. "I'm so happy I can hug somebody!"
He turned to the two cops, about to hug them.
"We can kill you in eight different ways," they both threatened, making Blendin stand still.
"Now, children," said Time Baby. "What is it that you want for your time wish?"
"Thank you, but the wish isn't for us," Mabel said.
"If not you, then who is worthy to receive such power?"
Back at the laser tag arena, Soos looked around for Dipper and Mabel. He couldn't find either of them.
"Who am I kidding?" he asked himself. "I'm not up for this." He took out a coin. "Heads I stay, tails I leave."
Soos tossed the coin up. It didn't come down.
He looked around. Everything and everyone around him froze.
He turned around to see Dipper and Mabel standing there.
"Soos!" they both said.
"We're so sorry we left you hanging, dude," Dipper apologized. "We got caught up in this time-travel junk, and there was a time Cyclops, and this time race…"
"The point is," said Mabel. "We think we know how to fix your birthday."
"Really?" Soos asked. "You did all of that for me?"
"Yes," Dipper replied as he showed a time wish. "This is a time wish. It has the power to alter time, paradox-free, in any way you choose. We think the only thing that can make you happy is meeting your dad."
"The choice is yours," said Mabel.
"You mean, I can finally see my dad by touching this thing?" Soos asked. "And you battled through time and space just to get this for me?" The twins nodded. "Alright, here goes nothing."
With a flash of light, all the dust and bruises the twins received during Globnar were gone.
"There, I fixed you up, dudes," Soos said.
"But what about your Dad?" Dipper asked.
"Well, birthdays are supposed to be spent with people who care about you, but that dude didn't care about me enough to visit me once, let alone fight monsters like you dudes. I mean, you fought in a gladiatorial tournament just to make me happy. I've been ridiculous this whole time. Whoever my dad was could take a hike. I know who my family is, and it's you dudes. Thanks for giving me the best birthday ever. There's still ten minutes before the laser tag closes. You dudes still want to play?"
"Yeah," Dipper replied. "Happy birthday, Soos."
The three ran back into the arena.
Flashback
Back in the past, twelve-year-old Soos went into the backyard after hearing an explosion. He noticed a screwdriver on the ground.
"What's this?" he wondered.
He picked up the screwdriver. He noticed a label that read, 'Mystery Shack'.
Soos went to the Mystery Shack. There, Stan Pines just fired the handyman before turning to Soos.
"Hey you, you think you can fix a golf cart?" he asked.
"Maybe, but…" Soos was about to reply.
Stan tossed Soos an oversized T-shirt. "Boom, you're hired. One size fits all."
Soos watched as Stan started presenting to a new set of customers.
He may have just met him, but Soos had a good feeling about Stan.
End of Flashback
A.N.
Bet you weren't expecting a season 2 episode so soon, were you?
First, I gotta address the elephant in the room. Yes, it was Pacifica that was with Wendy ten years ago, and yes, they weren't hating or arguing with each other. They actually seemed like friends back then. Season 2 will explore their past.
I did have Dipper and Mabel actually attend Soos' party instead of just watching it from afar like a couple of stalkers. I felt it made more sense.
You might be wondering why I posted a season 2 episode when season 1 isn't finished yet.
Well, the initial reason was when I was reading Weirder Things, Cowboy Alchemist said that his take on the Blendin's Game episode would take place during season 1 in between "Land Before Swine" (better known as "Jurassic Pork" in his story) and "Dreamscaperers". I thought he meant that it actually did take place between those episodes in canon. I rechecked to make sure and found out it was for his fic specifically.
I still decided to keep Blendin's Game in season 1 for my fic. While I was planning out which episodes I was planning, I realized I wanted to do more season 2 episodes than season 1 ones, mainly because a lot of season 1's episodes are mid. I figured I'd make "Blendin's Game" a season 1 episode to make things a little more even. This episode also serves as a replacement for "Land Before Swine" as the episode that strengthens the twins' bond with Soos, while also going a bit into his angst, which will be explored a little more in this fic.
I feel I need to address this. It has been a pattern where after I update this story, I update my Phineas and Ferb fic twice. Well, not this time. I'm so close to finishing season 1. I want to get it done by the end of August.
Thanks for reading.