Arithmetic – Brooke Fraser
I've been staring at the sky tonight
Marvelling and passing time
Wondering what to do with daylight
Until I can make you mine
You are the one I want, you are the one I want
I've been thing of changing my mind
It never stays the same for long
But of all the things I know for sure
You're the only certain one
You are the one I want, you are the one I want
I've been counting up all my wrongs
One sorry for each star
See I'd apologise my way to you
If the heavens stretched that far
You are the one I want, you are the one I want
I won't find what I am looking for
If I only see by keeping score
Cos I know now you are so much more than arithmetic.
Cos if I add, if I subtract
If I give it all, try to take some back
I've forgotten the freedom that comes from the fact
That your are the sum
So you are the one
I want
When the years are showing on my face
And my strongest days are gone
When my heart and flesh depart this place
From a life that sung your song
You'll still be the one I want
You'll still be the one I want
You'll still be the one I want
You'll still be the one I want
What had Colin been thinking asking her to meet him at Bridgerton House? Eloise would not be happy to find her here. One of the servants had gone to fetch Colin while another was attempting to get her to come further into the house than the foyer.
"No. I'm happy to wait here." It would be easier to make a quick escape if Eloise appeared. What was taking Colin so long?
"Penelope. I've been eagerly awaiting your visit." If she weren't so nervous about being there, her heart would have skipped a beat. She may have even started convincing herself that he meant as more than a friend.
"As have I. But perhaps it would be better to meet you at the market instead of coming here first." Although she was still certain that she was un-teachable.
"We are not going to the market. We are going to the Bridgerton drawing room." How was that supposed to help her find a husband? It was not as though either of the other two available Bridgerton gentlemen were interested in her any more than Colin was. Not to mention Gregory was too young for her.
"Uh, oh, why?" Clearly Colin had not thought this through or was it simply just too embarrassing to be seen in public with her.
"For your next lesson of course." Why did it seem so obvious to him?
"Uh, but Colin, my maid is outside," and would be expecting her to come outside soon. "And Eloise-" if she were in the house was being incredibly quiet.
"Is out for the afternoon at the modiste with Francesca and mother." That was so unlike Eloise who usually had to be dragged kicking and screaming to the modiste.
"And the rest of your family." Now he was guiding her further into the house. His hand warm on her back. This really was not a good idea.
"Playing cards in the garden. You've seen my family play pall-mall. You know how competitive we are." This was true. It was amazing there had not been any bloodshed. Although she could recall it had come close on a couple of occasions. "Hyacinth loves to win. Gregory hates to lose to her and well Benedict will refuse to miss the spectacle. Trust me, not one of them will be leaving that table in the immediate future."
It's as if he has only just noticed that the comfort she used to feel here had gone. He really could be so oblivious some times. "You mentioned you were comfortable at Bridgerton House, so we are going to practice here."
"Uh, I was comfortable at Bridgerton House." The key word he had missed being, was. "Previously."
"We need a place to be alone." And yet if they were found alone, she would be ruined. "Here, your maid can wait outside, and we can pretend we are at a ball." Wonderful, the very place she felt most alone next to her own home: at a ball.
"Have you gone mad?" How was she supposed to imagine this was a crowded ballroom?
"Imagine it with me Pen." He seems to really be enjoying this. "The quartet is by the pianoforte, preparing for the Parisian quadrille. Here, on the sofa some mamas are debating the merits of the decoration. Across the room, gentlemen are asking a young lady to dance. And here, we have the lemonade table, which is where we shall begin." His enthusiasm is contagious.
Sighing she shrugged off her wrap and laid it on the back of a chair. "Very well." She still was not convinced this was a good idea though. "Shall I pretend to flirt with the imaginary cellist?"
"No. With the dashing suitor you just met by the refreshments. Me." She was willing to try out fan waving and fluttering her lashes on him the day before, but this was different. It was just the two of them and there was no fan to hide behind.
"You?" How could that possibly work? She had been trying unsuccessfully to get his attention for years. All he saw her as was a friend. So clearly she was not good at this.
"I'm the perfect person to practice on. You don't have to be embarrassed. You know me." By that train of thought she had been practising on him for years and failing.
"That is exactly why I will feel even more embarrassed, because I know you." Besides it has never worked before and now he looks exasperated. "Forgive me. It is only … Deep inside, I know I can be clever and amusing, but somehow my character gets lost between my heart and my mouth, and I find myself saying the wrong thing or, more likely nothing at all."
"Forget what is wrong or right." Easy for him to say. She had never seen him verbally face plant after tripping over his own tongue. "Imagine what you would want to say to me if I were a suitor, without concerning yourself with how I might receive it."
This is what the problem was. Thinking of something to say and it not coming out wrong when it came out of her mouth. What would she say to him if there were any chance he would be interested in her romantically. "Your eyes, are the most remarkable shade of blue. Yet, somehow they shine even brighter when you are kind." Oh God. Where had that come from? Colin looks completely stunned. "I thought I might say something like that if you were a suitor."
"Mm. Well, that was rather direct." He had asked her to speak without being concerned how he would receive it.
"Um." It was then she heard what was un-mistakeningly Eloise's voice and a door closing. "Eloise is here." He had assured her that Eloise would be out for the afternoon. Of course Eloise would do the opposite to what was expected of her. It was part of her charm.
"You can hide in the study." He ushered her out a door knowing full well that she knew her way around the house.
How she had missed being in this house. Colin's coat was draped over the chair behind the desk. She was still unsure how she felt about this latest version of Colin and she was not brave enough to ask how he felt about the new version of her. She could appreciate the new clothes though. But then Colin had always looked good to her.
She spotted a journal open on the desk and began reading without thinking. 'I can now declare with great certainty that Paris has some of the most beautiful women in the world. How lucky I am to be surrounded by them, on the tree-lined streets of Le Marais, in the charming cafes along the Seine at times when the city is still, alone at night'. She stepped away. These were Colin's private thoughts which she should not be reading.
But he wrote so well and before she knew it, the journal was in her hands. 'In those moments alone, as my fingers trace freckles from cheek to collarbone, or as I watch the way starlight dances across skin, I marvel at how one can feel such intimacy, but also great distance.' His words conjured up such an intimate picture. They made her flush as though his fingers were tracing her cheek.
At that moment Colin walked in and she dropped the journal as though it had burned her. "Pen." He had spotted the journal in her hands and dropped her shawl which he had brought in with him on a chair. "Were you readying that?" She had never seen him look so angry.
"No." There was no point in lying especially as he had caught her red handed. "Uh I did not mean to."
"You did not mean to pick up my journal and read it." To be fair she would be furious if they swapped places and she had caught him reading her journal.
"No uh I did, but I should not have." She was mortified by her actions and a little afraid by how angry he was.
"No you should not. Whatever you read was not meant for another's eye." When he reached over to close the journal, he knocked over a lamp. As he started picking up the broken glass he cut his hand. "Damn!" It shocked her out of her stunned silence.
"Colin, your hand." It looked bad and she felt responsible. She had no right reading his journal and if he had not been angry with her, he would have been more careful.
"It's nothing." Typical male (or so she had heard) trying to act brave.
"It is not nothing. Stay there." Dropping her gloves on the desk, she grabbed a handkerchief and hoped it was clean. She reached for his hand but he pulled away from her. "Please. Let me." He slowly moved his hand back. She tried to be gentle as she concentrated on wrapping his hand. She had not wish to cause him pain. "Your writing …" she dared to look up at him only to find him watching her intently. "It is very good."
"Perhaps we should pause for the day." He seemed embarrassed. "Will I see you tonight?" Oh that was right, there was another ball to attend.
"Uh…Indeed." So the subject of his journal was closed. "Thank you for the uh, lesson." Best leave quickly while they were still on speaking terms.
Luck was not in her favour as she was spotted by Eloise who did not look happy to see her. Could this day get any worse? She joined Rae outside and they headed home to get ready for the ball. Perhaps she would meet her future husband there and her luck would change for the better.