A hand stroked my face, and I moved it away. "The barrier fell."

"I'm still tired."

"I called for Rhysand, and he is here now; Tamlin will be here any moment."

Arms scooped me up. "Cali, let's depart."

"Do you hate me?" We moved through the world, scents of seawater, winter pines and sunshine.

"I don't think I could ever hate you. This was selfless, while I wish you would have said something, I know it would not have stopped you."

"I'm more of a problem than a help."

"I don't think that."

"Maybe Amren was right… you said that. What did you mean? What do you know?" I searched for his eyes, ones that would not look at me.

"It's not important right now. You need to rest."

"You lie. If you do not wish to tell me, then it was not a five-star review."

"You should rest. You don't look okay. Azriel." I was dumped into the handsome Shadowsingers arms. "Rest, Cali." I felt him go, and with him, a piece of my heart.

I curled my arms around his neck. "I'm sorry, I too, am still trying to figure this out and mend the things I broke." He took the stairs, my door swinging open for him. "I feel like I don't belong, like a burden above all else."

"You're not." He laid me down, covered me. I felt like a child, maybe I was in a way.

"You look pale, are you hungry, do you need anything?" I gazed past him. "I'll be on the couch downstairs, just say the word, I'll hear you." As he stepped away, I don't know why, but I grabbed his hand.

"Don't go. I'm one more bad thing away from running into the shadows forever." I wanted something, anything, anyone to just hold me a little. At least be nearby.

"I can stay in the room, if that helps." That's all I would get, but I wanted someone to lean on like I had leaned on Rhys in that cell. To not be alone. Feel like I belonged for once. Not be this thing that everyone wants to contain. Az was right here.

I looked into those beautiful mossy eyes. "Stay here." I scooted over. "Here. It doesn't have to mean anything, just be my anchor." As I realized how desperate those words sounded, I looked down. "I… I'm sorry. That's not okay of me to ask." I let go, rolling over.

Why was I like this? This desperate for any kind of affection, I knew that it would not last. In the end, they would leave me too. I would be alone again. This was what I deserved, I left, now that I'm back, I must stay alone.

Something flopped to the floor. My heartbeat faster as pieces of leather armor dropped to the wooden floor. The bed shifted, and I turned to watch as he took his shoes off. The tips of his wings draped over the edge. He wore a loose black tunic and leather pants. His head turned softly, and I scooted to the far side.

He moved slowly, like at any minute I might change my mind and chase him out. But I didn't. I laid still, he, mimicking the way I laid but at a distance. "Is this okay."

I nodded, laying on hand out, and he took it without hesitation. His subtle smile engulfed my thoughts. Nothing around us existed. All I wondered was if he was okay with this or he was appeasing me to be on my side. There were scars all over his hands, if I were not so out of magic, I would heal the right now. Just for being him.

"Tamlin… hates me. I know it should not matter, but I had cared for him. I tried; it seems as though somethings just don't change."

"It is his lose, if he is to blind to not see the good you have in you, than he is worse off than a blind man who choose not to stop and smell the roses and feel the velvet petals."

"I keep upsetting Rhysand with each thing I do. Feels like I can do no right unless I give him the information he seeks."

"That's not true. May I explain?"

I nodded, tears rolling.

"He's pissed at Tamlin for not seeing the symptoms sooner. He was around you more, Lucian was around you. He's a little frustrated you said nothing about how much pain you were in, or where you found that trinket. It tore him up thinking he was going to lose you, not for what you offer, for being you."

"But I was so mean."

He huffed laughed. The man was laughing. "Mean? You mean mad, you were upset, and you were in agonizing pain at the time too. It was for show, to leave before anyone could be hurt by the power you could not control. That's selfless in a roundabout way. You did your best. I am only happy that Rhysand saw, understood, and was there in time."

"What about when I left the library. Caused quite the stir."

"Cass is still relishing how you put Keir so far below your feet, treating him like rocks beneath dirt. If not for you, Rhysand would have broken his bones until he apologized to you. Three favors, I do wonder what you'll use them for."

"His army. It is within his power to make an alliance with me. I don't need three, I was curious how far he would cave."

"Look at you, you had a plan all along. Constantly five steps ahead, another thing we all like about you. While you do reckless things, you find a way to bend it to your whim. Lucian called for Rhys while beast boy was sleeping. Faking a barrier to protect you. We have his emissary on our side whether you planned it or not."

"No plan, Lucian was my first friend here. The first one to believe almost everything that came out of my mouth. He worked with me, not against me. Worked behind Tamlin's back to train me, help me acquire weapons, and fixed my nose under the mountain. I feel bad he suffered as long as he had during the second trial."

"Rhys won't talk about the mountain. What was the second trial?"

"A stupid riddle. She had a thing for them, but with words as plain as day, she struggled." I chuckled. "I played stupid and managed to get her to agree to my terms. Magic is not just words but meaning. The more thought and feeling, the stronger it becomes."

The hand holding mine lifted, his finger tapped me on the nose making me close my eyes and smile a little brighter. "You're a clever little thing, the more I learn, the more I like you." My face heated and I covered it with the blanket.

"Not that clever."

He let out a low chuckle as he tugged the blanket down. "Then you only fool yourself. I'm sure those gears are turning now." His voice rose in pitch. " How will I run and do something else spectacular. I wonder if this will make Rhys ponder his choices in life. To which I cannot wait to watch."

I let out a short laugh. "I'm not running off; I did plan to come back. Making him ponder, potentially."

"Do you like it here? I mean truly like being around us."

There were so many things I felt uncertain about. I thought of the things I did, how the consequences came about. Then I thought of Rhys laying his head in my lap, how it felt, how I felt. His help when I needed him most, no questions asked to show up.

I loved how Az listened, investing his thoughts to what seemed like useless prattle. The first gift Cas gave me because he wanted to. Then went out of his way to find something I would truly enjoy. The food, it was like he understood the yearning for good-tasting food.

"I do. I suppose I have been caught up in myself."

"I would not say yourself, in the future, in all the ' what ifs.' I have one for you, what if I held you close, and we forget all the other 'what it's' and just be here in this moment of time?"

My mind was running miles is seconds. Hold me, he wanted to hold me?

"You're thinking too hard, queen of shadows." He tugged on my hand, pulling in closer to me. He cradled me, one arm around my waist, his hand in my hair. The other under my head, his soft breath just above. My wild thoughts of ' ifs' shattered into dust. This closeness, it has been a while since anyone held me like this.

Not even Tamlin held me this dearly after sex. Rhys had done so a few times under the mountain, but only when he thought I would not remember. Even then, it was only when he was trying to get me to stop crying when his Deamati power did not work, always behind a closed door where he called me by my real name.

"Az."

"Yes?"

"You can't leave."

His chin rubbed on me as he spoken in my ear. "I forbade the thought the moment say said ' don't go."

If only he could see the smile that pushed its way through. I nuzzled in, putting my arm around him, feeling the muscles in his back though his shirt. Fingers grazed the base of his wings, they shifted, and I curled my fingers to a light fist. I had forgotten they were there.

"Sorry."

His fingers massaged my scalp, sending a small shiver down my neck. He hugged a little tighter. "You don't have to apologize for every little thing. Get some rest."

An all-white landscape, no room for a shadow insight as I gazed at nothing. A nothing box that ran forever. Now I wondered where I went, how I got here. I was with Az, but where did that comfort go?

"I'm surprised you got that close."

I turned, but there was nothing.

"After all these years, you got close to something… a someone else should say."

I looked in all directions until I seen him. Golden hair, iridescent eyes. Perfect jawline, even cheek bones. Clad in blue and gold. I recognized him, remembered him from a time before all hell broke.

"Deveros."

"You remembered my name. Calamity now, is it. It has been awhile; thought I should check in on you. Father could not help himself; he had to see you, help you. He always had that soft spot for you." He clicked his tongue. "You are causing quit the stir in Valhalla, your younger sisters were preparing to take mother's position. Now she has named you like the high lords get chosen from birth."

He picked at his nails. "A shame, but not. I don't like them. Most flaunt their power too…" He rolled his hand. "Shamelessly. Anyways, mother sent me to remind you that you two had an agreement. No rush, just in case you forgot or did not remember."

"I remember, but I don't even know what I'm looking for."

"Your power, the power that the creatures who crawl below our feet took from the cauldron when I gave it to them. You will know when you feel them."

I remembered the voices; the Cauldron had whispered to me.

"I see that spark flowing. Also, an apology, one that is long overdue. I have grown in the last fifteen thousand years, and well, let's say I understand you better."

I scoffed. "You fell in love, didn't you?"

"Maybe." He hissed. "It was not intentional; she was a feisty soul. After I messed with her father, she used that pesky little book of yours to bind her life to mine. The rest became history. I won't meddle in the things you like, even I, a heartless God, can have one occasionally."

"Really? Since you're here. May I ask one question? Where is Anna?"

"I'm afraid even I do not have an answer to that. My best guess, a different gods realm, living in their land for tired souls. Neither one of you made it that day. Mother was only able to pull you here. Bending realms is taxing, even on the gods. This is all I have time for."

I blinked, head pounding. The colors of the world were coming back to me. The golden tattoos glow faded out as I rubbed my eyes. I stared up to the ceiling, bed empty. I sighed, curious as to when he snuck out like it was a one-night stand from a bar. I know he was not mine, but the thought of waking in the same bed was nice thought.

I felt better, but still drained. I flicked the sheets off; this glow was fading it was in and out. My brother had visited me in my sleep. This weakness I was feeling was due to him. Keeping a link like that was hard on my weakened state. He was at least kind enough to know when to cut the call.

The bright gold tattoos pulsed slowly in and out. When they dulled, it was like I had no energy. When they glowed, I was wake, ready to move. I felt for Lucian a small smile when I found him easily. At least he was alive.

Stomach growling, I made the short walk to the vanity to sit. Using easy magic to sift through clothes, I changed while seated. Baggy clothes, easy to put on, easy to lounge in. If I make it quick, I could get down the stairs.

I could use the shadows, that wasn't hard. I closed my eyes, moving into them. I fell forward, rolling. Making a ruckus as I thudded at the edge of the stairs leading down. I rolled on my back. "Fuck." I huffed under panted breath.

I stared at the Eye tattoo. "I'm hungry."

"Your also very loud." Rhysand purred. There was no ripple, so he had been here.

I cocked my head to the side. "Carful, I might crawl down these stairs like the grudge."

His feline smile was a million dollar one. "I don't know what that is, but you look like you need help. Shall I help you again?"

"No, just enjoying the view from here. I don't know, might swim down the stairs doing a back stroke next. Possibilities are endless." The glow was coming back, and I took the opportunity to move, falling over the arm of the couch. "Damnit."

"Cali, as much as I like the position, now is not the time."

One hand on the couch back, I lifted myself to his gaze and gritted through my teeth. "Rhys."

He shrugged, then put a hand to his chest. "I am not the one putting myself in suggestive places."

I pulled myself onto the couch, panting. "Ah, well, to bad you'll never get to truly experience those suggestive places."

He crossed his arms over the back of the couch. The glow was coming back. "Don't move. I'll bring you food."

"My hero."

He chuckled. "In all the books, the hero gets a kiss at the end of the story for saving the damsel in distress." He spoke as he walked away.

"Do they, now." I challenged. "Suppose I'll starve then."

"Then that might make me a villain."

I raised my hand, pointing a finger up. "Villain's love harder, but I still want food."

I could hear his soft laugh from the kitchen. I sat up nesting in the corner of the couch. When he came back, he had a tray of food and drinks. I moved my feet to the floor, he, setting the tray in on my lap.

He pointed to a white cup. "This will help restore your magic, tastes awful. You can wash it down with this." He pointed to a clear cup of juice.

I took a sip. "That does taste awful. Like Terry bark and leaves, but where is the sap to sweeten it?"

His lips tugged to the side as he sat next to me. "That tree does not have sap."

"It does, its deep inside the tree. It has no medical properties; it just makes the taste better." I downed the cup, wincing. "After ten years, the core of the tree is turned into sap by a bug that likes to burrow inside. Once drained, it is best to clear the tree and plant a new one."

"That would be news to me."

"What happened to the book of teachings?"

He tilted his head, that cool feline expression coming back. "Now, I have heard of the book of breathings, but this teachings is new."

"I gave it to a very powerful healer a long time ago. How do you know about the breathings book?"

"That book, along with the cauldron was used in a war. It created monsters and was used as a weapon. To end the war, they separated the humans with a wall. In the end, the cauldron had its three legs removed and pieces were scattered. The book was torn in half." I squeaked, hand coming to my mouth. "Half is in the summer court; the other half rests with the mortal queens. There was a spell casted so no Fea could steal it, or else it would disintegrate."

"They destroyed my cauldron because they used it as a weapon? Then the book? My life's work, was torn in half?"

"Why do you say yours?"

"I'm old Rhys, who do you think gave life?"

"The mother."

"I see. When could we have that dinner?"

"Some time after lunch, where to take you? Did not think you would let me take you on a date this soon." He tapped his chin.

I rolled my eyes. "No, your little group of friends."

"I can arrange that for tonight, providing you don't run off again. Mor wishes to take you out shopping. Although, I would rather take you to see the city."

Shopping, that means people. Seeing a city, still people. "I'm not a…" I looked away.

"People person, I know. You say the word and we can bring you back."

"Just Mor, no offence, but I'm around dudes way to much."

"See will be delighted you said that, as she said the same thing."