The unmistakeable feeling of some wet and sticky substance on her hands: that's what caught her attention.
And it smelt deliciously, too. Kelsya could not quite catch what was that substance, nor she remembered what had happened.
Was it caramel? She loved caramel, and she loved mum's caramel cakes. Well, if it was, it tasted best with her eyes closed. So she did, and she brought a hand to her lips.
Not caramel, apparently. Even better. Enticing, even.
She could not help but take another taste. And another. The third time, her teeth even met a morsel of something else, even more delicious. Voraciously, she took a bite.
Until curiousity got the better of her. She opened her eyes to finally admire the sweet, unexpected surprise.
A delicate veil of blood blooming over white curls.
Reality broke in a thousand pieces as she screamed, and screamed, and screamed. She was thrashing and someone, someone with white hair was trying to hold her down.
White hair. Blood. Unable to define what was memory and what was dream, all she felt was the taste in her mouth. Delicious, sweet. No. It couldn't be. She could not want it. Want more.
Suddenly nauseus, she moved to one side to throw up. Her dinner was gone, and there was nothing bloody in it.
Trembling, exhausted, she exhaled to chase away the nightmare.
A nightmare. Astarion was safe. Safe from her.
Astarion was gone.
She didn't realize she was shaking even more, or that she was crying, before feeling Shadowheart's arms around her. She could close her eyes now, the nightmare was over. Reality, however, was not.
"Speak to me. Speak to us", the cleric whispered in her ear. "Let us help you. Tell us what we can do for you. Please".
Once again, Kelsya remained silent. After she had fainted in front of Cazador's corpse and as Astarion had moved farther and farther from her, she had been unable to utter a single word. Silently, she let her friend cradle her in her arms, until Shadowheart said: "I'm going to get you something to eat. I'll be back in a moment".
Alone in her tent, again, she dared to look around for the first time in two days. Somehow, there, time had stopped.
Her gaze found one of Astarion's daggers. An old one, once stuck in a piece of meat. The first item she ever gifted him. To fight better, perhaps a gift for the whole group somehow, but mainly for him.
She didn't dare to touch the pair of trousers he had thrown there, carelessly, before getting ready to leave and fight Cazador. She was shattering in pieces, she wouldn't handle that.
"She eats just enough to keep herself functioning. She sleeps, when she can. But..."
"... she does it without any will. I guess we're just lucky she does"
"Does that mean she's recovering? What do you think?"
"Perhaps. I hope so." A pause, a long one. "Shadowheart, the... alternative is..."
"Damn it, Gale! If... it's not her own will, maybe Bhaal is doing something useful, for once! If she does not want to live, let him keep her alive... All we need is a nudge. She's strong. He won't have her"
Kelsya's breath quickened. Bhaal. Her father.
She didn't remember eating. She didn't remember walking.
He wanted her to survive. He would come. He would claim her.
Now she was conscious. Now it was time.
Her mind finally clear, she reached for the dagger. Her grip strengthened around the weapon's hilt.
"I want to be the person you see when you look at me"
That's what she had told Astarion, that terrible night she had almost butchered him.
What had he seen then, when he had left?
A beast. A monster. Someone unworthy.
Unworthy. Of him, of her friends.
Gale and Shadowheart's whispered went silent. Kelsya raised her hand, finally ready. It would take just a moment. Then she would be free.
Unworthy of redemption. Unworthy of salvation.
The world could be safe from her. Her suffering would end. Her father was ready to use her grief against her, painting her in cold dark.
Just. One. Stab.
Maybe two.
"No! Leave that!"
Gale and Shadowheart rushed in, forcing her to let the dagger fall on the ground.
Another wave of grief drowned her. Even he, the only one who knew what meant to have a beast within, to fight every step against its hunger, had abandoned her.
They would too. It was only a matter of time before went their own way, to finish their mission and end the brain. They would be heroes. She would be dead.
Unworthy, undeserving.
Free of grief, free of the Urge.
Much, much late, in the dead of the night, it was back.
"Mylady, such a shame to have to watch you in such state. My putrid heart bleeds for you, it's pouring blood as you walk blind of your greatness", he exclaimed appearing from seemingly nowhere beside her, whispering in her ear.
Kelsya did not even attempt to speak. There were no answers to give, and she so, so tired, too tired to indulge the thing's nonsense.
The silence treatment, however, did not stop the butler from monologueing once again.
"My poor, poor master. You could do so much better. Revel in a sanguine coat made of friends and enemies alive, as all will be but corpses once you reclaim yourself".
Silence, a brief one. She kept still, her back to the butler. The more she listened, the more that rambling exhausted her. The more he talked, the more she felt drained. Useless. Unable to do her part, to keep her companions safe. From...
"Once, a long time, you were careless with your... dalliances. You failed to listen to me. And look where that got you", Sceleritas added, its voice now nothing more than a hush, its breath on her skin.
"Once again, I am right. I warned you he would never believe in you, how he would never see himself as more than a pretty boy. Perhaps he is a pretty corpse, now. A pity you didn't-"
"Silence!" Kelsya growled. "Shutupshutshutup-". Again, she did not move. And yet something stirred inside her. Something hungry, and furious, and so carefully caged between layers of goodwill and distractions.
"The little blood sucker is so underserving of your attention and your time", the butler said, ignoring her command. He sounded almost happy, even excited.
And in turn, with one sharp blow, the beast got free, and Kelsya became one with it. This time, she wasn't watching her target like a prisoner, caged away as the Urge roamed free.
This time, Kelsya turned around, her hands aiming for Sceleritas' neck immediately found it. Staring at the creature, she saw a pound of flesh. Something to disembody, to trash, to turn into viscera and back to the very fundament of the world. Back to a pool of blood.
As she strenghtened her hands around its flesh, Sceleritas... giggled, just like a baby in the arms of his mother.
Its eyes turned bigger, and redder, and its laughter weaker as it became increasingly difficult for it to breath. Its body moved messily as life flowed away.
It wasn't enough.
"Silence!" Kelsya roared as she sat, raising Sceleritas to the sky, then down against a near rock. "You will" Up. "Obey". Down. "Your master". Up. Down. Its blood splattered on her face, her clother, her hair. It didn't matter. The useless butler was silent at last, and for the first time in days she was fine.
In fact, she felt great, splendidly.