Chapter 8

After saying goodbye to Jessie, Rosemary had left a note for Bill to come see her tomorrow, and then went to pick up Goldie from day care. Seeing that Jack was there as well, she figured she'd take him home as well. She hadn't seen much of Elizabeth since she'd been home from the infirmary. The few times they had talked, Elizabeth had been really distracted and ended up not paying much attention. As they walked home and Jack told her about his mommy sleeping in and how he had to wake her up, and then she wasn't listening to him so he asked to go to day care, Rosemary became a little worried. That did not sound like her friend at all. Having reached the house, she knocked once and then let herself and the children in.

Hearing the knock startled Elizabeth out of her thoughts and, looking down, she realized she hadn't written anything in her journal, but a lot of time had passed since she began. Shocked, at the time, she realized she needed to go get Jack from day care as well. The door opened and in walked Jack and Goldie, followed by Rosemary. "Oh Rosemary, thank you for bringing Jack home, I got lost in my thoughts the day got away from me."

"Mmhmmm" Rosemary said, letting Elizabeth know she didn't exactly believe her.

"Jack tells me you guys had an interesting morning," Rosemary began, "Care to share?"

"Oh, Rosemary," Elizabeth began before the tears started falling.

"Elizabeth, what's wrong?" she asked, wrapping her arms around her friend.

"It's been a long time since I've felt this scared, Rosemary, a very long time, and I don't know how to get a handle on it."

"From what happened the other night?"

Rosemary was still working through what happened to her in the saloon, one minute she was perfectly fine, the next she was jumping at shadows, but she had Lee by her side, helping her feel safe, and listening when she needed to talk. That had helped tremendously, but Elizabeth didn't have that kind of support and, while she knew Elizabeth was ready to move forward with Nathan, and by all accounts he was as well, Nathan hadn't visited Elizabeth since she came home from the infirmary despite how worked up he'd been at what happened.

She had seen Allie earlier and asked her her dad was okay, but Allie just shrugged her shoulders and said, "Honestly, I don't know. He's been coming home after I am asleep, and then leaving before I wake up the next morning. I tried to talk to him at the Jail this morning, but he said he was on an important phone call and that he'd see me later." Arriving at Elizabeth's door, she knocked once and then let herself in, guiding Goldie and Jack in with her.

"Well, no, not really. I mean that plays a part, but honestly other than seeing the cut on my cheek I don't think about it all that much."

"Then what's going on?" Rosemary asked, confused.

"I don't know, I've been having this dream, over and over again since I've been home, and when I wake up I am so full of dread, it's like I know something terrible is going to happen, all over again. I am so distracted during the day that nothing gets done around the house, as you can see. Thankfully, school's still out otherwise, there would be even more problems." Elizabeth told her, trying to ease the tension.

"Would you like to talk about it? The kids can play in the backyard, and we will keep the door open."

"Yes, Rosemary, I do want to talk." Elizabeth quietly admitted.

"Have you spoken to anyone since you've been home?" rosemary asked, hoping to hear her her say Nathan's name.

Tears formed in Elizabeth's eyes as she shook her head.

"Are you comfortable sharing this dream you are having?" Rosemary asked.

"I guess things can't get any worse if I don't." Elizabeth told her with a small smile, that Rosemary returned.

Together they sat on the couch and Elizabeth began.

"I am sitting on the steps, waiting for someone, but at that moment I don't know who. Soon Nathan appears and the sense of relief and safety washes over me immediately. I run to him, but he stops me and say's "I realized something today, I realized how foolish it was for me to think that you and I could ever be more than friends. Then he says how it's too dangerous and it just won't work. He says "I just can't" and walks away ,leaving me stuck there unable to follow him, then the awful feeling of dread overcomes me and the tears begin falling. Then, right before I wake up, I hear a voice say, "Don't let him go. I wake up, and my pillow is soaked through with tears"

Taking a breath to calm her nerves, Elizabeth continues, "I don't know what it means or even what I should do."

Putting her arms around her friend's shoulder, Rosemary said with a knowing look, "But Elizabeth, I think you do, but maybe you don't want to admit it"

Hearing that phrase took Elizabeth back to that awful night, not so long ago, when Rosemary had said the exact something. When suddenly things fell into place, and she finally heard what her heart had been telling her, but her head wouldn't let her hear it.

"But I don't understand Rosemary, sure the fear of losing Nathan because of his job is very real, but I stopped letting that fear control me, didn't I?"

"I believe you did, Elizabeth, but maybe this isn't all about you?" Rosemary gently said. Hoping that maybe she'd look beyond herself on this one.

"All about me, what do you mean?"

"Elizabeth," Rosemary began, knowing that she needed to tread extra carefully if she was going to deliver the words that had been swirling in her mind lately. "Is it possible the fear belongs to someone else? From the outside looking in, Nathan appears to be ready and willing to jump in with both feet, but is it possible that the more serious things get, the more he remembers the times you rejected him? When you ran away from him after he first told you of his feelings for you, then when you told him, in the Jail, that you loved him but were not in love with him?"

That statement startled Elizabeth, and her first reaction was to defend herself, but what Rosemary was saying did make sense. When she found herself ready to open her heart again, the most terrifying fear was of something happening to the person she gave her heart to, knowing that a second heartbreak like that would be impossible to come back from. She would not allow herself to be anywhere near that kind of situation again. Using his job as a Mountie was a safe, and believable way to explain those feelings, and for a time she even had convinced herself it was the truth. It wasn't until she walked into the stables and saw Newton's empty stall that she allowed herself to admit that she would have reacted the same way if Nathan had the least dangerous job in the world. It was about the man himself, not the reason he could be taken from her.

She had begun to have feelings for Nathan the day in the Library when the shelf had broken, and he came running to check on her. Helping her to clean up the books, they reached for the same one and their hands brushed against each other. The spark she had felt lit something in her and as she was looking into his beautiful blue eyes she saw her future, in which the man in the red serge looking back at her was featured prominently. After that moment, she pushed all her thoughts and feelings away and began telling herself it was just a passing fancy, and her mind playing tricks on her. Well almost all those thoughts and feelings, one little part just wouldn't be silenced. In all her time with Lucas had she felt that spark when their hands touched. She never saw the future they would have, but, she did feel safe with him and that was all that mattered at the time.

Was it possible that Nathan was experiencing something similar, did he have a fear that was so deeply rooted, he would also choose the safe path? What if that safe path didn't include her because of things she had done. What if that safe path meant leaving Hope Valley? Elizabeth's heart began to race at those thoughts, and they continued to get worse and worse. She needed to be by herself and think.

Rosemary began to worry about her friend, who hadn't said anything for a few minutes, and appeared to be having a silent conversation with herself. "Elizabeth?" she asked tentatively, reaching over to take her hand.

Elizabeth snapped out of her thoughts the moment she felt Rosemary touched her hand, and realized her friend was looking at her with concern.

"Sorry, Rosemary, I got lost in my thoughts again, which is becoming a regular occurrence lately. I'll be honest that wasn't what I expected to hear, but you know what some things are making sense, and I want to talk to you more about it, but I need a little time to sort through things first."

"I understand," Rosemary answered, pulling her into another side hug. "I'll take Jack with me, and you take as long as you need to work through this. In fact, lets plan on him staying the night even."

As an afterthought, she added, "You know Elizabeth, I don't know how many more of these conversations the two of us can have before I run out of advice."

Grinning at Elizabeth, Rosemary gave her had a quick squeeze, stood up and went out to get the kids.

Watching her leave, Elizabeth marveled again, at how, whenever she needed help, Rosemary was the one to give it to her, and it was always given willingly and with love

Noticing the dread that had been following her around was no longer there, she went to her desk, took out a new journal, grabbed her favorite pen and put them both in her basket. Grabbing a shawl, just in case, she headed out the door, but instead of walking towards town, she decided to see if she could find that magical spot she'd come across a few weeks ago.