Nobody understands the nature of her relationship with Austin Moon. If she's being honest, she doesn't entirely understand it either. In high school, they knew each other through friends of friends, but they never really talked. He was in a band and on the basketball team; she was the captain of the school's glee club and valedictorian. They never really had much in common, and she didn't really have any desire to associate with someone like him: cocky, lazy, and—if the rumors were true—a shameless fuckboy.
But then they went to college, and they both majored in music education. It was a small program, and she found that she hated everyone in it. He sat next to her on the first day, and she was relieved. At least he was tolerable. And even better, he hated everyone else in the program, too.
Okay, maybe their relationship isn't that confusing. They still bicker, but he also sort of became her best friend after spending so much time together avoiding everyone else in their program—from sitting in the back of the class to partnering up for assignments to studying and doing homework together.
Except they do have a nasty habit of hooking up every year. It's almost comical, really. It started in junior year of high school when he found her hiding from her prom date and his gentle teasing had turned into bickering, which had turned into her first kiss—and then her second and her third until their lips were swollen and their cheeks were flushed and they were both a little dazed. And around April of every year since then, they've found themselves in a slightly more compromising position than making out in some dark corner of their junior prom venue—despite swearing every single year that this is the absolute last time.
Maybe that's the only confusing part.
She ponders their relationship as she stares at him across from her in the library. Now student teachers, they do their lesson planning together to make it suck a little less. Usually, it helps them stay focused. But sometimes he looks just a little too pretty when he's concentrating.
They definitely won't hook up again this year, but if they did, it would be year six. Or maybe year five. (They always argue about whether that kiss junior year actually counts because it didn't end in sex, but it's what started this whole thing, isn't it?)
"You gonna do any actual work or just keep staring at me and chewing on that pen until it explodes?" he says, looking up at her over his computer.
Dammit.
"Wasn't staring," she lies, setting the pen down and typing gibberish on her computer to act productive. "Just lost in thought. I don't know what activity to warm up with this week."
He snorts. "Right. I bet your lesson plan is already turned in."
"If I was done with it, why would I be here?"
"To keep me company," he says, grabbing a piece of candy from the bag they're sharing.
"Believe it or not, the world doesn't revolve around you," she says.
He raises an eyebrow. "Doesn't it?" She rolls her eyes, and he smiles, leaning back in his chair. "Besides, you have plenty of other shit to get done, and you just like hanging out in libraries."
"They smell like books."
"You are a gigantic nerd."
"Whatever. I'm going home." She starts packing up her stuff.
"Home, my place, or home, your place?"
"Your place, obviously. That's where the leftover pizza is. You coming?"
"In a little. I'm almost done with this. But please leave me a slice."
"Yeah, yeah. See you later."
When she gets to Austin's apartment, she lets herself in and finds Austin's roommate on the couch with his girlfriend.
"Hey guys," Ally says, setting her stuff down and walking into the kitchen to heat up her pizza. Dez and Carrie make noncommittal noises of greeting. "Whatcha doing?"
"Watching a movie," Carrie says, pausing the TV. "I'm trying to get over my fear of horror movies so we can go to festivals and stuff together."
Ally raises an eyebrow. "Does Austin know about this?"
"Not yet," Carrie replies, giving Dez a hard look.
"I have to figure out the right way to tell him," Dez says. "Horror movies have been our thing for years, but . . ." He looks at Carrie. "This is something I wanna share with you, especially since I know you're trying to get over your fear because you know how much I love horror movies."
Carrie smiles and kisses him, and Ally rolls her eyes as the microwave beeps.
"Right, well, I'll be in Austin's room trying to find my appetite after witnessing all of . . . that." She vaguely gestures in their direction. Then she grabs her pizza and beelines for Austin's room, shutting the door on Carrie and Dez's laughter.
"Bold of her to get annoyed with us when we have to deal with her and Austin's shit every year," Dez says.
"I heard that!" she calls, shoving pizza into her mouth.
"Good!" Dez calls back.
Ally rolls her eyes and turns on Austin's TV, but she can still hear Dez and Carrie in the living room. They yelp in fear at the movie every so often, and then break into giggles, and sometimes Dez talks to Carrie in a sweet, gentle voice. She can't make out what Dez says, but it's probably something cute and lovey and encouraging.
And it makes her sad.
By the time Austin comes home (not that much later), she's sitting in the dark, staring idly at the TV but not really watching, silent tears rolling down her face.
"Ally?" he asks, shutting his bedroom door behind him as he sets his stuff down. "What are you doing?"
She shrugs, still staring blankly ahead. "Crying in the dark."
He turns the light on, but it doesn't really faze her. "I can see that," he says. "But why?"
She shrugs again. "Dez is helping Carrie get over her fear of horror movies."
"He's doing what?" She looks at Austin, and he purses his lips. "Not important." He walks over to sit next to her on the bed. "But how did that lead to you crying in the dark?"
She looks ahead again. "Because I'm gonna die alone."
"Ally, no you're not."
"I'm twenty-two years old and I've never even been on a date."
"You went with a date to junior and senior prom! That's two dates."
"Those don't count."
"Why not?"
"Because the first one I hid from all night, and the second one I ditched at the after party and went home with you."
"Yeah, you did." He grins at her and holds up a hand for a high-five, but she just glares at him. He swallows and drops his hand. "Right. Do you know why you don't go on dates?"
"Because I always skip straight to sex," she says. "Is that what you want me to say? That it's my fault I'm gonna die alone?"
"You're not gonna die alone," he sighs. "But you're eventually gonna have to give someone a chance to be more than just a fuckbuddy."
"I'm done with this conversation," she says, wiping her face. "Also, I'm sleeping over."
"Yeah, sure," he says tiredly as she makes herself comfortable. "You know how okay I am with outside clothes in my bed."
"Shut up, I changed before getting under the covers."
"See?" he says, and she can hear the smile in his voice. "You're a catch!"
Every time Ally sees Dez and Carrie, or her roommate Trish with her boyfriend Jace, it hurts her a little more. She doesn't even know why—it's not even that she's insecure. Despite not having much dating experience, she knows anyone would be lucky to have her, and she's gotten plenty of invitations that she's turned down.
But why? And why does she feel so shitty about it?
One night, when she's slightly tipsy on fruity wine, she asks Austin what he thinks.
"Yeah, I'm not getting into that," he says, finishing his glass and pouring each of them another one.
"What, you think you know the answer?"
"I have some theories."
"Why won't you tell me?"
"Because you're not gonna like them, and you'll probably get mad at me."
"I'm always at least a little mad at you."
"We're also wine-drunk and haven't slept together in a year. If we start talking relationships, we both know how it's gonna go."
She rolls her eyes. "Please. We agreed never again."
He looks down at her. "Yeah. Four different times."
"Will you just tell me what you think my problem is so we can stop talking about it?"
Now he rolls his eyes and takes another drink. "Fine. You don't go on dates because you're scared."
"Excuse me?"
"You're scared. That's why you don't let anyone actually get to know you. Because you're scared that if you let anyone in, they'll hurt you."
She scoffs. "That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard."
"Is it? Name one person who really, truly knows you besides Trish."
She thinks about it, then frowns. "That's not fair."
"Ally, you're so afraid of letting anyone in that you don't even realize that other people do know you. That I know you."
She rolls her eyes again. "You don't know me. Not like you seem to think you do."
"Whether you like it or not, everything you do and everything you say says something about who you are. And I've been around you long enough and know how to pay attention. The little things add up."
"Austin, I know you like to think you're special, but you're not."
"It's not about being special. If I didn't know you, how would I be so sure about the reason why you've never dated? Why would my freezer always magically have your favorite ice cream flavor every time you look for it, even though I think it tastes like toothpaste? Why would I always have your favorite wine in my fridge?"
"Because you hate the taste of beer and the fruity wine I like makes you feel fancy."
He narrows his eyes. "Fine. How would I know that the reason you're so afraid of letting people in is probably because of your parents' divorce, which affected you a lot more than you let on, because you saw how the two of them used each other's weaknesses against each other, and you're afraid of someone doing that to you?"
She sets her jaw and looks away.
"In order for someone to love you, Ally, you need to let them know you," he says gently.
"Haven't you ever heard that quote about the mortifying ordeal of being known?"
"Haven't you ever heard the one that says to be known is to be loved?"
"You said you had multiple theories," she says, and unfortunately he probably knows how desperate she is to change the subject.
"That was the main one."
"Tell me the others anyway."
He runs a hand through his hair and leans back against the couch. "Fuck it." He looks at her. "Going on dates can lead to an actual long-term relationship, and that would mean we'd stop hooking up every year." She smacks his chest. "Ow."
"That is not why."
"Yeah, because it's mostly the first thing."
"It's neither!"
"I told you you'd get mad."
"I'm not mad, because you're wrong."
"Really? Cause it seems like you're mad."
"Shut up."
"You wanted me to tell you what I think." He rests his arm across the back of the couch behind her, and her immediate thought is how sexy he looks when he does that. Damn the fruity wine and this time of year and the relationship talk. And damn him, too. "I don't know what you expected."
She realizes she's been staring at his mouth too long, and she looks back up at his eyes. She isn't sure what she expected either, but she really hates his take on the whole thing. He's way off, and she's almost a little hurt that that's what he thinks of her.
His face softens a little. "Ally, look, I didn't mean—"
"Just drop it," she says, looking down. "I'm not mad. You said I wouldn't like what you think, and you were right. But your theories are wrong."
"Okay. Then I guess maybe I really don't know you as well as I thought I did."
But the problem is that he does. He knows her better than she thought anyone could know her. As uncomfortable as it is to admit, he's right about everything, and her chest fills with an emotion she can't quite place. Because as much as she's been hiding her true self, he's been memorizing every little piece of her she's accidentally shown. He's been patiently collecting those tiny moments she's let her guard down, and somehow he's gathered enough to understand her to her very core.
He sees her. All of her. Even the ugly, messy parts of her. Even the parts that are broken. And he's still here, pretending to believe her for her sake even though he knows he's right.
She should tell him he's right. But even though he knows all her fatal flaws, they still get the best of her. So instead of telling him he's right, she kisses him.
He kisses her back for a few seconds before pulling away. "I thought we said never again."
"This'll be the last time."
"Works for me." He moves a hand into her hair and pulls her into another kiss.
He may know her fatal flaws, but she knows his, too. And his biggest fatal flaw is her.
They slowly make their way to his room as they ditch their clothing. She can't help laughing a little at how ridiculous all this is. And then he smiles against her mouth as she pulls him into his room. God, his smile. She could probably live off it.
She wakes up snuggled against his side, his arm around her and her arm draped over his stomach, and almost definitely drooling on his chest. But he's combing his fingers through her hair in that way that makes her melt, and she debates just going back to sleep.
"I told you so," he says in his stupid sexy morning voice.
"Fuck you."
"You did. Five years running." He holds up his free hand for a high-five. She rolls her eyes and obliges. When she finally tilts her head up to look at him, he's grinning. It's kind of adorable.
"Three times last night alone," she adds, just to watch him laugh. She smiles a little and leans up more to kiss him.
"What was that for?" he asks.
"I was hoping you'd be grossed out by my morning breath."
He brushes a lock of hair out of her face with his free hand and turns onto his side facing her. "You should know by now that never works."
" You should know by now that I'll never tell you what I'm kissing you for."
"Damn, we've really learned nothing over the past five years."
"Six, if you count junior prom."
"That was just a kiss," he says.
"Still counts."
"Does not." She kisses him again. "Okay, maybe it counts a little." She smiles and kisses him one more time. "Or a lot," he finally amends. "What were we talking about again?"
"You're an idiot," she giggles.
"If I agree with you, can we have sex again?"
"Sure."
"Then I'm the biggest idiot in the entire world."
She climbs on top of him. "Joke's on you. We would've had sex again anyway."
He grins and winks at her. "I know." Then he sits up and kisses her.
They do eventually leave Austin's room. Dez merely glances up from where he's doing homework at the kitchen table, looks both of them up and down, then looks back down at his work.
"Is it that time of year again already?" he asks, sounding bored with the whole thing.
"Dez, I sleep over here all the time," Ally says as she makes herself a bowl of cereal.
"Sure, but Carrie wasn't here last night, and I'm pretty sure me and Austin aren't C-cups." Dez nods towards where Ally's bra is hanging over the back of the couch.
She walks over and grabs it quickly, face heating. "Shut up," she says. She shoves it into her bag in Austin's room before coming back out.
"Carrie and I made a bet, you know," Dez says as Ally eats her cereal and Austin mixes pancake batter.
"Don't care," Austin says.
"Trish and Jace were in on it, too," Dez continues. "Carrie and Jace thought you guys would grow up and stop doing this, but Trish and I know you better."
"Dez, I will throw this bowl at your head if you don't stop talking about this," Ally tells him, and he shrugs with an annoying smirk on his face.
"You guys care way too much about our sex life," Austin adds, walking over to them with his tower of pancakes. But before he can drown them in syrup, Ally grabs one for herself. Austin looks at her. "Ally, you know it hurts me when you treat pancakes with such disrespect. No syrup? It's sacrilege!" Ally rolls her eyes.
"Trust me, dude, I think we all wish we were able to care less about your sex life. But every year, the two of you find some new way to overthink and self-sabotage, and we're the ones who have to deal with your emotional rollercoasters."
"Because that's what friends are for," Ally says. "And besides, you and Trish love nothing more than gossiping about it and judging us."
"Yeah!" Austin says helpfully through a mouthful of pancakes. Syrup dribbles down his chin, and Ally briefly imagines licking it off. "If anything, you should be thanking us! We keep things interesting!"
Dez snorts and looks at Ally. "I understand what you see in him."
"I don't see anything in him," Ally says.
"I'm wounded," Austin replies after swallowing his food.
"All I'm saying is that you guys are getting kinda old to keep doing this shit," Dez says. "Don't you think that maybe, if you keep coming back to each other over and over again, you might . . . I don't know, actually like each other? Don't you want more than this?"
"I'm good," Ally says. "I'm not really the dating type, if you haven't noticed."
Austin rolls his eyes at that, but she pretends not to see it.
"Okay, but you guys are already basically dating, except you only have sex once a year," Dez says.
"Whatever. I'm done talking about this," Ally says. She grabs her stuff from Austin's room. "I'm gonna go."
"Ally, come on," Austin says. "Don't—"
"Hey, I'm sorry," Dez interrupts. "I didn't mean to upset you or anything."
"I'm not upset. I'll see you guys later."
As she walks out, she catches a glimpse of Austin running his hands through his hair and glaring at Dez.
Ally doesn't answer any of Austin's texts or calls for the rest of the day. She doesn't entirely know why—he didn't do anything wrong. But after their conversation last night and Dez's annoying observations this morning, she doesn't really want to talk to him.
Trish doesn't bother her, though she surely knows by now what's going on. So Ally spends the day trying to distract herself, until the inevitable knock on her door.
"Ally, it's me," Austin says, knocking again. "Open up."
She sighs and gets the door. "Austin, I'm fine. We're fine."
"Even if I believed you, which I don't, I still wanna talk to you."
"About what?" she asks, leading him to her room. She sits on the edge of her bed, and he sits in her desk chair.
"Us."
"There is no us."
He gives her a look. "Ally. I think sleeping together every year is enough to say there's an us."
"Fine." She runs a hand through her hair and gestures to him. "Talk."
He watches her for a few seconds, then takes a deep breath. "I think I agree with Dez. I want more than this."
Her heart pounds. "What do you mean?"
"You know what I mean. I want more than hooking up once a year and pretending we're just friends the rest of the time."
"Pretending?"
"We both know we're more than that."
Her face heats, and she looks down at the string she's pulling on her duvet. "I like what we have."
"You like what we have because you're scared of trying to have a real relationship."
"You already know that about me. Why are you trying to change something good?"
"Because I know it can be better. And if you just don't feel that way about me, then I'm happy to stay friends. But you haven't really denied it."
She glances up at him. "I just don't want to lose you because I can't give you what you want."
He stands up and walks over to her, taking her hands and pulling her up to stand in front of him. "All I want is a chance." She swallows and looks away, hating herself for not even being able to look him in the eye.
"We can take things slow," he continues, rubbing circles on the backs of her hands with his thumbs. "I know it's hard for you to trust people, and I know it's gonna be scary. I'll be there with you every step of the way. I just . . . " She forces herself to look up at him. He searches her eyes, his cheeks tinted pink. "I was thinking about what really makes me happy, and the truth is that I'm at my happiest just being around you."
Her heart flutters, and a small smile makes its way onto her face as she realizes she's at her happiest when she's around him, too. And as scary as it is, Austin really does know her better than anyone. If she's going to take the chance and trust someone enough to try a relationship, of course it should be him. She can even almost believe she won't get hurt.
"Okay," she says softly.
His entire face lights up with the widest grin she's ever seen, his cheeks still pink and his eyes sparkling. His excitement makes her laugh, and he pulls her closer to kiss her. She pulls her hands out of his and wraps her arms around his neck. He wraps his arms around her waist, then stands up straight again, lifting her up in the process.
He doesn't let go of her for a long time.
The night before graduation, Ally is once again crying in the dark in Austin's room when he comes home.
"Whoa, hey, what's wrong?" he asks, his features painted with concern as he comes over to sit on the edge of the bed next to her. "I promise you, you didn't miss out on anything at that fancy dinner with my family."
Ally pulls her knees up to her chest. "Doesn't everyone cry in the dark for no reason every once in a while?"
"No. They don't." Austin loosens the tie around his neck and undoes the top few buttons of his white shirt. Then he rests a hand on one of her knees. "What's going on?"
"We're graduating tomorrow," she finally says, hating the thickness in her voice.
"And . . . that's bad?"
"Austin, if we don't have school together, when will we ever see each other?"
Austin purses his lips to hide his very obvious smile. "Ally, you realize we spend more time together outside of school than in school?"
"Yes, but we're both gonna start working in the fall, and what if we don't have time for each other anymore?"
"Sweetheart, my school is three miles away from yours. I don't think anything is gonna change."
"How can you say that?" she asks him. "Everything is changing!"
Austin sighs and searches her face, then rests a hand on the back of her head and pulls her in to kiss her forehead. "It's late," he says gently. "How about you get some sleep and see if you feel better in the morning?"
"I can't sleep. Thinking too much. What if graduation is the beginning of the end?"
Austin moves his hand to her cheek. "We just have to trust that it isn't."
"I don't do trust very well."
He smiles a little. "You've been getting better at it the past few months."
Ally leans into Austin's touch. "I'm just terrified of losing you."
"We're doing this together, remember? You and me. We're not gonna lose each other."
"But how can you know that?"
"Because I love you," Austin says simply, brushing away a stray tear with his thumb. "And I'm not going anywhere."
Ally sniffles. "I love you, too. I think that's why this is still so hard for me. I'm sorry."
Austin shakes his head. "Don't be sorry." He moves a strand of hair behind her ear, and she meets his soft eyes. "If the biggest problem in my relationship is that my girlfriend loves me and doesn't want to lose me, I consider myself pretty damn lucky."
His gentle confidence makes her smile a little. "I'm pretty damn lucky, too."
"You feeling a little better?" he asks, and she nods.
"Thank you, Austin. For everything. And I hope you know it has nothing to do with me not trusting you."
"I know. I hope you know that you don't have to thank me. I'd do anything for you."
She smiles again and leans forward to kiss his cheek. "Hurry up and come to bed."
"I have to shower first."
"Can I come?"
He raises his eyebrows and smirks. "I thought you wanted me to hurry."
"I just want to be with you," she admits despite her brain warning her not to be so vulnerable. "It's hard to be scared about the future when you're holding me."
His face softens, and she can practically see him melt. His affection for her is so tangible, and it makes her wonder how it took them this long to get here.
Once they're in the shower, he washes himself quickly while she stands under the hot water and imagines all her fears and doubts about their relationship sliding with the rivulets of water down her back. She teases him for his complicated hair care routine (like she has a thousand times before) and he smiles at her even as he shivers while she hogs the hot water.
"You love my hair," he tells her, scrubbing yet another product into his hair. "I do all this for you."
"You do not," she giggles. "You've been doing this since way before we got together."
"You don't know that."
"Yes I do."
He narrows his eyes at her, but his goofy grin doesn't waver. "Whatever," he relents. "Now shove over, I need to rinse." He steps under the water with her, but she doesn't move. Instead, she just wraps her arms around his waist and rests her cheek against his chest.
At first, the only response she gets is the sound of his increased heart rate. But once he's done rinsing, his arms fall securely around her and he presses his lips to her hair.
"Do you ever worry about the future?" she asks as they sway just slightly.
He rests his chin on her head. "In general, or our future?"
"Either."
He thinks for a few moments. "Sometimes," he finally says. "I worry that I'll suck at my job, or that I'll burn out, or that I won't make enough. And yeah, sometimes I worry about losing you. But that just gives me more reason to hold on tight." He tightens his arms around her as if to make his point.
She squeezes him tighter, too, the tension in her body from all her fears finally beginning to release in the warmth of his arms and the water still cascading over them.
"Thank you for telling me when you worry about the future," he says after a few quiet moments. "I know it's not easy for you."
"It's easier with you," she tells him. "And I want to tell you, because I know you'll know how to make me feel better."
He pulls away a little, and she looks up to find him smiling down at her. "I'm glad," he says, brushing a lock of wet hair behind her ear.
She stands on her tiptoes to kiss him, and they don't stop until the water runs cold. She climbs into bed to wait for him while he brushes his teeth, but he catches her eye in the mirror and shoots her another grin.
Later, as she curls up in Austin's arms, she allows herself to believe that maybe everything will be okay.
i got inspired for this fic semi-recently and it turns out that writing for auslly comforts me when adult life gets scary, so surprise! also i have some life updates
1. my birthday was a couple weeks ago! we're not gonna talk about how old i turned bc this is a fanfic about a disney show and it will make me sad
2. first year of grad school went super well! i'm actually really good at what i'm doing and i love it a lot :) i just started an internship at an elementary school and it's A Lot but my supervisor is great and i like it i think. also i graduate in may! that's so soon!
3. i don't think i ever told u guys this but about a year ago i was diagnosed with lupus. LMAO like full on systemic lupus that i'm now on a trillion meds for including weekly injections and monthly IV infusions. personally i like to call it hot girl disease since selena gomez and lady gaga also have it and they're both hot. fortunately all my internal organs are fine and my biggest/worst symptom is full-body eczema. it still sucks bc it's painful and itchy and i'm not supposed to ever be in direct sunlight, but hopefully we'll find the right cocktail of drugs that will work. however for now i suffer. but also like the lupus jokes i get to make now are v funny and we can all laugh about it bc like what the fuck
4. on a happier note, my latest obsession is the x files and i think am more insane about them than i was with auslly even at my peak. so if u like the x files i've posted fics on ao3 and have several more in the works. turns out working on original stuff while also being in grad school is A Lot so this is how i'm scratching my writing itch :)
5. my best friend got engaged and i'm her maid of honor! another friend of ours is co-maid of honor and we've been planning her bachelorette party which has been a lot of fun. her wedding is in june 2025 and another silly goofy part of it is that the boy who inspired my one shot "falling right back in" is one of the groomsmen LMAO but the wedding will be fun regardless
anyway i think that's everything really going on in my life right now. maybe y'all don't care but i feel like some of u have been with me for like 10 years now and that means a lot to me so i like sharing w u even if u don't read it :') also if ur comfortable with it tell me what's been going on in your lives bc i wanna know! i love all of u a whole lot and i hope ur all doing well!