CHAPTER 21

They'd traveled the winding river for almost a week without major incident. The ship had plenty of diversions - food, drink, gambling, dancing. Fortunately, she also had a good Captain. Teaspoon had sussed him out early on and deduced the man was more sensible than self-interested. While some steamship captains cared only about breaking speed records, theirs was more concerned with reaching their destination with the ship and his crew intact. This was something the old marshal could relate to, considering how he'd often been pressured to run his riders, and their horses, ragged and through dangerous territory to shave an hour or two off a route. The two men had spent time swapping stories and built a rapport in a short time.

Even with a decent captain, steamships had a reputation for overindulgence and this one was no different. Captain Hale didn't exert the same control over his privileged, and sometimes unruly, passengers, as he did his disciplined crew. Most nights, Teaspoon and the others kept to themselves and avoided the rowdier guests.

What Louise liked more than any of the other ship's distractions was to walk the upper deck at night and view the stars. Most of the guests did not come up here at night and she liked the solitude and the beauty of the night sky. She would dress in her warmest clothes, wrap a shawl around her and sneak off to be alone. It was hard to reconcile but she missed the bonfires and the nights under the stars with Alex. She missed the stories he used to tell her. She told herself it was not Him that she missed, only the experience. Gripping the deck rail, she berated herself for these treacherous thoughts, until she felt Jimmy's arms wrap around her from behind. Her head fit perfectly under his chin, and she didn't hesitate to lean into his touch.

"Tell me you at least brought the other colt, since you decided to come up here all alone, again." His tone was stern. In response, she led his hand to her hip where the gun in question hung from its belt, covered by her shawl. As his hand curled around the handle, she felt him exhale and relax against her. "If you need space, that's fine. But I can at least watch the door." She turned to face him. His mouth tightened into a thin line, and he shifted his eyes away from hers. Whatever imagined threats ran through his mind, he did not want to voice them.

"I can take care of myself, you know." That made him smile and he had to agree.

Lou's memory had been coming in fits and starts. Some good, some bad, but none of it much more than fleeting images and feelings. He knew she was frustrated. He also knew not to pry. She'd talk when she was ready. "How are the stars tonight?" He asked, looking up at the night sky.

"Same as always. I like it up here." More than being trapped inside with a bunch of strangers.

"Well prepare yourself because we have been personally invited to the Captain's Ball and," he continued before she could protest, "I don't think this is one of those social events we can just politely decline. Besides, I wouldn't mind taking a few turns on the dancefloor with you."

Lou knew he threw that last part in to cushion the blow. While dancing with Jimmy sounded fine, being amidst the throng of strangers was what she had been avoiding this whole trip. But, as he'd said, there was no polite way out of it. "I guess that won't be so bad." She surrendered.

*** They reached Independence a day later. This was where some passengers would disembark, and others would board the steamship for the first time. The ball would take place that night as they departed Independence, the gateway to the west and a milestone for the ship's journey. Since the ship was going to be docked for most of the day, an opportunity for maintenance and to restock supplies, the travelers could explore the port city of Independence.

Before leaving the ship, Jimmy made sure that Lou had one of his colts loaded and ready in her gun belt. He knew that she needed to stretch her legs back on land for a bit, they all did, but he was nervous. Missouri was a contentious state. The Union might have control now, but who knew how long that would last.

The others had already had breakfast and taken some time to get acquainted with the City before Jimmy and Lou met them for lunch. It took most of the morning for Louise to get over her morning sickness, true to its name. She still tired easily and took frequent naps, and her breasts were still tender and sore, something Jimmy had learned to take into account now that they were making love regularly. The others were not aware of this, and he preferred to keep them in the dark and avoid any lectures or judgment. Part of him felt guilty for letting things happen as they did. But mostly he wondered how they'd ever managed to wait as long as they had. That first night on the ship when she made her move, he'd felt compelled to follow her lead and give her what she wanted from him. After that, there'd been no turning back. Looking at her now in her pale blue dress and black coat, hair neatly pinned back, all he could think about was how lucky he was that she still wanted him. She hadn't made any declarations of love, but it was enough that she accepted his, and that she let him love her in every way whether he was caring for her when she got sick in the morning or loving her at night.

They only had a few hours to enjoy lunch with the others and for Jimmy to find something he could wear to this dance tonight, so they hurried on their way to the restaurant that Captain Hale had suggested. They dined on kettle beef and chicken and dumplings. Jimmy tried not to laugh as he watched Lou devour several helpings. She seemed to get ravenous around midday and would often eat more than he did. It made him happy, thinking that must mean her baby was growing and healthy.

After everyone had their fill of the scrumptious food, they hit the local shops. There was no time to have anything tailored so they simply did their best to find appropriate ball attire that would work for tonight's festivities. Louise already had enough dresses to choose from so she helped Cara and Rachel look for something that would suit each of them. She was actually rather opinionated on what the other women should wear. She found a beautiful emerald green dress made of silk that she insisted Cara had to get as it perfectly complimented her coloring and fit

her well without alterations. Rachel often wore plain skirts and blouses so she thought she should get a dress that would stand out. She found a unique pink, white, and gold patterned gown that was absolutely stunning on the tall blonde. The two women bit their tongues as Louise insisted on paying for both of the dresses without getting anything for herself.

At the haberdashery, the men were just trying to find suits that would fit them. Jimmy and Buck easily found simple black suits that satisfied them. Teaspoon had to hunt a little harder for a suit that would accommodate his shape but was finally able to settle on a charcoal gray wool suit. Colter scratched his head as he looked over his various options. He was tall and lanky and before recently he had never given much thought to his appearance. Eventually, he decided to play it safe and got a black suit like the other young men had done. If anything, he'd have something to wear to a funeral if the need arose. They met the women back at the dock and boarded the ship together.

"You didn't get anything?" Jimmy asked Lou as he noticed she was the only one of them not carrying a package.

"I didn't need anything. But Cara and Rachel got beautiful dresses. Wait till you see them," she said, rather satisfied with the choices she had made. "How about you?"

"It's just a suit. I doubt anyone will be looking at me with you by my side anyway," he said, wanting more than anything to kiss her right then. She could have been wearing her old men's clothes with trail dust in her hair and he would find her irresistible.

*** That night they enjoyed dinner at the captain's table before the ball. Louise had been right; the other women were absolutely breathtaking in their dresses. The men couldn't stop gushing about how perfectly their gowns suited them. They gave all credit to Louise and her great taste. She was happy to let them both take center stage. All she wanted was to fade into the background until this night was over. For herself, she chose a black satin gown that hugged her curves alluringly but was otherwise unembellished. She wore her hair in a braided updo that exposed her delicate, unadorned neck. She'd thought her choices were plain and simple. However, Jimmy couldn't keep his eyes off of her. If anything, she had only proven that it was not the dress that made the woman but rather the other way around.

After dinner, the dining area was quickly transformed into a dance hall with a full band and a full bar. Louise was hesitant to drink more than a small glass of wine since Alexander had told her too much alcohol was not good for a pregnant woman or the baby. She hated to give his advice any credence, but he did know a lot about the world, even medicine and biology, so she abstained. The other passengers seemed to shed their inhibitions as drinks flowed freely and women in colorful dresses twirled around the dancefloor, sometimes rather sloppily.

Louise watched from her spot at the table as her friends danced. Cara looked happy as Buck led her in a waltz. Rachel seemed to be teaching Jake the steps. He actually cleaned up well

and she thought the two of them made a good-looking pair. Across from her Teaspoon and the Captain were smoking cigars and jawing. To her right was Jimmy, watching her intently. "We could join them, you know."

"Hmmm?"

"Dance with me." He stood and offered his hand, and she accepted.

"I don't, umm, remember ever dancing," she said nervously. That made him pause.

"Well, I'll lead," he told her, pulling her out onto the dancefloor. "And I'll tell you about the time we danced."

"Oh?" Her eyes twinkled with interest.

As the two of them moved across the dancefloor, Jimmy talked about the time they had ridden to Willow Springs. "You and Kid had just broken up and you were sad, so I was trying to cheer you up." He told her about buying her a dress, their dinner, sharing a bottle of wine, and dancing. He became more somber when he told her what happened at the fair and how frightened he'd been, seeing her in that noose. "That was when I knew, at least I thought I knew, that I could never have you. Too many men were coming after me, for revenge or to make a name for themselves. I didn't think I had anything to offer you but pain."

"What changed your mind?"

Once again, he found himself pausing to consider what she'd said. "I guess I had resigned myself to loving you and never doing anything about it. I mean you're not supposed to mess with a friend's girl and for a long time I figured you and Kid would patch things up and it wouldn't matter anyway." He tried to think about when things had changed for him. "I might have never acted on it except, well you confided in me about Wicks." He tilted her head back so he could look in her eyes and see if the name meant anything to her. He saw only curiosity. "A man that hurt you." She seemed to understand his meaning, so he went on. "I think that made me realize there's no avoiding pain. You can't hide from it." He pulled her closer, the rest of the room just falling away. "And I think that was the first time I realized that you felt something for me too."

Louise rested her head against his chest as they continued to sway. She didn't know what to say to all this. She only knew she was grateful to have him in her life, that she wanted him in her child's life as well. She could feel the warmth of his body against her own and all she really wanted in that moment was for the two of them to be alone. The music shifted to an upbeat polka, startling them both.

"Come on." Lou pulled him across the dancefloor and up the stairs that led to the upper deck. Unlike most nights, there were other people on the deck enjoying the cool air. There was a group of men smoking and a few other couples gazing at the stars or wrapped up in each

other's arms. She took Jimmy to an empty part of the deck before looking up at the sky. "I guess we spent lots of nights under the stars, huh?"

"Yeah, I suppose we did."

"I'd like to do that again."

He laughed. "I think you'll get your chance. It's almost 200 miles from Nebraska City to Sweetwater."

"Is it safe?"

"We'll be safe, all of us together. Buck, Teaspoon, hell even Jake, we're all used to being on the trail." He pulled her into his arms, knowing he would die before letting anything else happen to her. "You don't have to worry."

She turned her gaze back to the sky and the nearly full moon that shone down on them and clutched his hand, threading her fingers through his. She trusted him, trusted that if they were together, they would be okay. "I think that…" I might be falling in love with you. "I wouldn't mind sleeping under the stars with you." He expected her statement to come with a flirty smile or come-hither eyes, but her stare was set firmly on the shimmering moon reflected on the water and her expression was thoughtful. He leaned his forearms on the ship's railing, bringing himself closer to her height.

After some silence, Jimmy spoke. "I think we could arrange that. Though your back might regret it come morning."

"I won't regret waking up with you," she said quickly, surprising herself with the declaration. She and Jimmy often talked about the past, rather he did. She would share her memories, her dreams, but rarely her feelings about him. Everything she'd experienced taught her that feelings were fleeting and not to be trusted. But she trusted him with her life.

Alexander had told her that he loved her in his way. But his way was sadistic and possessive. She'd thought that what Jack and her shared may have been real love, but now she wasn't so sure. He had certainly brought her comfort, and they had cared for each other. Was that enough to be considered love? Were there different levels of love? Jimmy made her feel many things, and she didn't know how to express them.

Then there were the fragments of memories that swirled around in her mind. Standing up straight, in a line of other anxious children, waiting for nuns to inspect them. Cowering in a dirty bedroom, body aching from violation, a caring brunette woman wiping the tears and sweat from her face. Tying a swath of fabric around her breasts, praying to God that it would protect her. Sitting at a table, laughing, surrounded by people that made her feel safe. A black mare, campfires, sunny skies, rainstorms, dirt, exhaustion, riding through it all. She wished for just one

specific memory that was more than a tangle of images and emotions. She wished for a memory of the two of them together, a shared history that could root her feelings in something solid. But then, he was pretty solid all on his own.