Tuesday, 15 October 1991

It was well past closing time when Remus finally came home from the shop. With Hallowe'en quickly approaching, he had no choice but to work late to keep up with demand; after warning Tonks that he would be busy nearly every night until the end of the month, she took it upon herself to schedule frequent outings with her friends. It was a small comfort to him that she wouldn't be alone. He had never looked so forward to November, for the brief shopping reprieve between Hallowe'en and Christmas, so that he could spend more time with Tonks. Despite the busyness of his day, he'd spent most of it thinking of her and debating with himself over what to do with the unwitting feelings he'd developed.

Unsurprisingly, Tonks was fast asleep on the sofa. Both kittens were perched atop her, and seeing that their messy bowls were still on the kitchen floor, Remus was spared from another pair of torn trousers or hungry kitten screeches. He kept quiet as he cleaned up after the three of them (Tonks had left a mess of dishes in the sink), prepared tea, and changed into pyjamas. All the while, his thoughts raced with possibilities.

Peter's situation and advice hadn't given Remus any hope, but upon further reflection, Remus supposed all hope wasn't lost. Unlike the Pettigrews, Remus and Tonks were regularly intimate. They had no problems in the bedroom, at least not that Remus could imagine, which meant they had at least one advantage over Peter and Laura. There were times Remus felt that Tonks might even be fond of him in her own way. She had called him nice, even adorable, at points.

Certainly , he mused, that had to count for something .

They had been married for almost two months and she continued being kind to him. She wasn't afraid to touch him. She often joined him in the living room to strike up conversation with him. He knew he was neither the handsomest man nor the most talented man, but he had been able to date Muggle women in the past, which had to be enough proof that he was capable of holding a woman's interest.

(Even if all past relationships had failed because he wasn't capable of being fully honest with them about who he was or what he became once a month.)

With his tea between his cold hands, Remus took a seat across from Tonks and watched her steadily breathe in her sleep. Her hair changed colors, mostly shades of blue and purple, and she twitched every now and then. He wished he was free to run his fingers through her hair and gently wake her. He yearned for the freedom to kiss her whenever he wanted, to carry her to bed and hold her close, whether they had sex or not. He wanted to know the secrets of her heart, to give her all of his, to know beyond a doubt that she loved him for who he was. He wanted to be her husband, not just in name but in the fullness of his mind, body, and soul.

If she had been one of the Muggle women he'd tried his luck with, he'd have worked up the courage to ask her on a date. He would've taken her to a nice dinner to get to know her, and after enough dates, he might've been lucky enough to be invited to her bed.

But Tonks wasn't a Muggle woman. She wasn't even an ordinary witch. She was singularly talented, compassionate, and beautiful. She was already his wife. He didn't need to win her hand in marriage; he only needed to win her heart.

Tonks shifted on the sofa and blinked up at Remus. "You're home," she said groggily.

"Got here about twenty minutes ago," he replied. Tonks rubbed at her eyes while her hair lightened to a sky blue. Remus fought the urge to brush her hair away from her face, simply so he could feel her skin under his fingertips.

"I got in a little before you, then." Tonks sat up slowly, displacing the kittens from her side, and yawned. "I was knackered."

"You went to see your friends tonight?"

Tonks stretched her arms out and nodded. "All of us Hufflepuff girls met up in Newcastle. That's where my friend Edith got her flat."

Remus felt awash with guilt. While Tonks had met all of his friends, he'd barely got to know one of hers. "Is everyone well?" he asked.

"Sort of?" Tonks yawned and shrugged. "Blythe's showing. She said she's finally getting over her morning sickness. Edith's going on dates with Muggle blokes to find someone. She's the youngest of us, so she's got almost two years before she's got to get married. Sonia's parents found her a husband in India—near where they're from—so she's getting married there in the spring. Isolde's waiting for the next catalogue update. She turned 19 in September so she's running out of time."

Remus briefly wondered what Tonks's friends would say about her to the people waiting at home for them: Tonks is married to a werewolf, how pitiful, or Tonks had to pick from the catalogue so she could be an Auror and ended up with a werewolf! The horror!

"And you?" Remus asked, holding his breath as he saw Tonks's face fall.

"Er, I—" She turned pink, hair, cheeks, and neck, and looked down at her feet. "I'm not pregnant. I got my, erm—"

"I understand," Remus said.

"I'm sorry." Tonks sniffled and wiped the tip of her nose with the back of her hand.

"There's no need to be sorry, darling."

The term of endearment slipped out before he could stop it. Tonks snapped her head up at him, her eyes glistening with unshed tears, and brought her sleeve up to wipe away the wetness.

"I'm sorry," he said quickly, "I didn't mean to—"

"It's okay."

Remus felt his cheeks burning with embarrassment. It was one thing to use terms like that in bed, where he felt freer to lavish affection on his wife, but it was another to use them elsewhere and make her uncomfortable.

"Can I get you something to eat or drink?" he offered, getting to his feet at once. "Hot chocolate, tea, biscuits?"

Tonks smiled weakly at him. "Hot chocolate?"

"Coming right up."

Remus smiled back at her and moved closer, wanting badly to kiss her forehead or her cheek, but he moved back to where he was at the last second. He wouldn't win her heart by being too forward. Instead, he'd try a more measured approach, one that would prevent him from making a complete arse of himself.

He had to save what little dignity he had left.

After two hot chocolates, a steaming shower, and a fresh change of clothes, Tonks was finally in bed and resting. It had been a long day, starting with the grueling exercises Alice and Mad-Eye made her do, all the way to visiting Newcastle and catching up with her friends. Tonks had started her period halfway through the day, but the cramping had stuck with her since the moment she woke up. It made the obstacle course harder, seeing Blythe's little baby bump harder, and made her envious of Edith, who had her own tiny flat. Tonks wanted to be pregnant already, or at least feel less worried that she would make a bloody mess of Remus's sheets.

Their sheets, she reminded herself, as she shivered. It was still hard to think of Remus's things as hers, or theirs, when she hadn't had any part in earning them.

"Are you cold?" Remus's voice cut through the chilly room.

"A little," Tonks lied.

Remus murmured a Warming Charm over her side of the bed, which made the covers warmer, but not her body. She shivered again, and to her dismay, her teeth chattered.

"Would you like me to—" Tonks looked up. Remus's hand was already halfway to her waist, but he wouldn't touch her yet. "If it would make you comfortable, that is—"

Tonks stared at him, sure he was going to offer her a bathtub full of hot chocolate, as he didn't seem comfortable with touching her.

Remus hesitated as he pulled the covers back. "You've said before . . . that I'm warm? I can . . . again, if you'd like, of course—" He made an odd gesture, as if he was hugging the air.

It took a moment for Tonks to figure out what he was trying to say. She nodded, and Remus shifted carefully behind her. He wrapped his arm around her waist; the heat from his body was an instant source of comfort. Tonks shamelessly burrowed herself into his chest, glad that she was facing away from him so he wouldn't see the relief on her face.

"Is that better?"

"Much," she sighed.

"Is it usually like this?"

"Sometimes. I reckon this one's worse because of stress. That's what Mum would say."

"Stress?"

"A lot of emotions, I s'pose," Tonks murmured. "Last month wasn't so bad. But you don't want to hear about my period." She couldn't be sure, but it felt like Remus dropped a quick kiss to her head.

"I want to hear whatever you want to tell me," he said. "I like listening to you." Despite a painful cramp squeezing her uterus like a dog's chew toy, Tonks felt a peculiar warmth radiating from her chest and up to her neck and cheeks.

"Can I ask you something instead?"

Remus's arm held her tighter. "Always."

"Even if it's really personal?"

"You're my wife. There's nothing that's too personal."

"Are you disappointed I'm not pregnant yet?" she asked quietly.

It felt as if Remus pressed another kiss to her head. "Only because it's worrying you. We haven't been married long. Not even two months. We've got plenty of time."

Tonks inhaled deeply. Remus had showered too and she liked the pleasant scent of his aftershave. "Can I ask you something else?"

"Anything you like."

It was a question that had been on Tonks's mind for the past few hours, since she'd heard about her friends' dating attempts. Although she wouldn't give up her job at the Ministry for anything, it had been easy to be jealous of Edith and Isolde, who had gone on dates and had more experience with what they did (or didn't) want when they were married. It had been hard to see their friend Sonia cry, because she'd fallen for a young Muggle man and her parents were forcing her to marry a stranger.

It left her wondering what Remus's past was like, besides the scant information he'd given her when they were newly married.

"Did you go on a lot of dates when you were younger?"

At this, Remus coughed into his pillow. Tonks held her blanket up to her chest and waited for him to stop sputtering.

"Some," he wheezed, "every now and then."

Tonks felt a twinge of envy, imagining her husband on a date with another woman. It wasn't as if he could've dated her anytime sooner. Maybe if she'd been willing to wait longer to work for the Ministry, she might've met Remus in the 'real world' and gone on a date with him.

If he had wanted to go on a date with her, she reminded herself.

"But you only dated Muggle women, right?"

"For obvious reasons," Remus replied. This made Tonks feel slightly better; even if he had wanted to date her, he would've stopped himself. She turned over, wanting to see his face though the light was dim.

"Did you ever try to go out with a witch?" she asked, shifting her body up to look into his eyes.

"Once," Remus said, with a grim smile. "A friend of Lily's, Mary. We thought she knew what I was and . . . she didn't talk to me for a while after she found out."

"I'm sorry."

"Don't be." Remus closed his eyes and a faint line formed between his eyebrows. "Over the years, more people found out. It's an unspoken thing."

"What about the Muggles?" asked Tonks. "Did any of them ever find out you were a wizard?"

Remus shook his head and replied, "There was only one I considered telling. I never got the chance."

Morbid curiosity got the better of Tonks. "What happened to her? To you?"

Remus sighed and opened his eyes, but he shifted his head so he couldn't meet her gaze. "She was the last woman I dated. It was about five years ago. I don't know how the Ministry found out, but they did, and sent me a sternly worded letter that I wasn't permitted to marry a Muggle due to my condition. I had to stop seeing her."

A jumble of pity and gratitude swept across Tonks's heart. She hated the idea of Remus being denied yet another thing because of his lycanthropy, but if it hadn't been for the Ministry, she would've never married him. Yet by the way Remus's shoulders slumped, his faraway gaze out the window, and the way his lips curled down, she was beginning to think that Remus might've been in love.

Though theirs was an arranged marriage, it still stung to think that her husband was in love with someone else.

"Did you love her?" Tonks asked quietly, observing Remus's melancholic state.

"No," he said, turning his face back to meet hers. "I didn't love her."

"But you considered telling her you were a wizard?"

Remus shrugged and looked away again. "It doesn't matter now."

Quiet fell over them. Though she knew she might regret asking, Tonks had to know more. "One more question," she said, nestling her head under his chin, "have you ever been in love, Remus?"

An odd, choking noise was smothered into the pillow. "P-pardon?" he stammered.

"If you didn't love her . . . the Muggle woman you were going to tell that you were a wizard . . . then why were you going to tell her that?"

A sharp breath blew a tuft of brown hair in Tonks's eyes. "Why—" Remus cleared his throat. "Why do you ask?"

"I dunno . . . I guess I wanted to know more about you. If you had different expectations or . . . or if you wanted me to be someone else." Stupid hormones, she thought miserably, as her eyes welled up and Remus fell silent. Mum would've said 'curiosity killed the chizpurfle'. "It's okay if you wanted me to be someone else," she said quietly, in an attempt to give Remus a break. "I just wanted to know if you fancied someone else or—"

"I didn't," Remus interrupted. "Even the last woman I dated . . . I knew she wasn't right for me. I wanted to be married. I was furious at the time, but I'm grateful the Ministry stopped me. There hasn't been anyone in my life since . . . and I'm grateful that you chose me. More than grateful, actually. I'm happy you chose me."

There were more questions burning at the tip of Tonks's tongue. How many women had there been before her? How did he know he wasn't in love? Did he want to be married, or did he want to fall in love? Was he happy to be with Tonks, or would he have been happy with any witch? Was he happy because she was young, pretty, and willing, or because he wasn't alone anymore?

"Thank you for answering my questions," Tonks said, instead of interrogating him further. "I'm sorry if it was too much."

"It's never too much," he murmured. Once again, Tonks had the feeling that Remus pressed a brief kiss to her head. Like so much of what he did, it inspired tingling warmth in her chest and flutters in her belly.

It was becoming clearer to her what it meant, but, not wanting to make a fool of herself, she wished Remus a good night and thanked him for his kindness.

Friday, 18 October 1991

The soothing sounds of home surrounded Tonks. She was curled up in her favorite spot on the sofa, where to her left, her mother was repairing the trousers that the kittens had shredded. Her mother's quiet charms and the push-and-pull of fabric reminded Tonks of Octobers of old, where she'd sit impatiently while waiting for her mother to finish a costume for Tonks to wear for Hallowe'en. To her right, Tonks's father sat, perusing The Sunday Times to keep up on Muggle news. The soft rustle of the pages, his occasional throat clearing, and the faint clink of his teacup on the table were part of the soundtrack of a peaceful childhood.

Like her childhood, it was only the three of them in the living room. Remus was working all day, as were all his friends, given that Hallowe'en was one of their most lucrative seasons of the year. Enchanted carved pumpkins, dancing skeletons, charmed multicolored candles, and many other trinkets flew off the shelves. Remus would be working all weekend, and all of the next weekend, until the shop closed early the following Saturday for the kids' birthday party at the Potters'. In Remus's case, he would be going right to the Tonkses' to celebrate Ted's birthday instead, a fact that offended Lily Potter, much to Tonks's chagrin.

(Not that she needed another reason to be irritable; her period had come a day late that week and her hormones were raging against the last ounce of patience she had left in her body. At least Remus had the grace not to return to the mortifying conversation they shared on Tuesday night, which Tonks tried to explain away the following morning by claiming her exhaustion and hormones had got the best of her.)

"Knut for your thoughts?"

Ted's knowing look, visible over the top of his newspaper, met Tonks's gaze.

"What gave me away?"

Ted snorted. "It's the same look you had when we caught you trying to take one of the broomsticks to Hogwarts when you were eleven, and every time you tried to sneak out and failed."

Tonks rolled her eyes, which elicited an amused chuckle from both her parents.

"If you must know," said Tonks, trying to think of anything but her confusing feelings towards Remus, "it's because Remus's friend Lily is an arse."

At this, Andromeda raised a brow. "The one who you say doesn't like you?"

"I know she doesn't like me—" Tonks blew her acid orange hair away from her face. "This time she's peeved because we're going to Dad's birthday instead of her kids' thing."

Ted set his newspaper down and met Andromeda's eyes. He asked, "Why don't you start from the beginning?"

As Andromeda mended the trousers, Tonks divulged the whole affair, starting with Remus's insistence they attend one or the other event together, and Lily's increasingly hostile behavior.

"I don't get it," Tonks said, scowling. "I haven't done anything wrong. I come to their house every sodding Sunday, play nice with the kids and everyone, and I promise, Mum, I'm always polite. I even told her that Remus had a choice and he chose to come with me. I didn't make him do that. She hates me for no bloody reason." Seeing her parents exchange glances, she quickly added, "It's not because of Mum's family, or that she's a Muggleborn. Lily's got no problem with Sirius and she knows Dad's a Muggleborn too."

"What about the other wives?" asked Andromeda. "You mentioned Amelia Black is kind to you?"

"Amelia's great, but Peter's wife Laura is never around. How much do you want to bet that Lily pissed off Laura?"

"That's not nice, Dora," admonished Ted. "Don't jump to conclusions."

Tonks crossed her arms over her chest, hating that her parents could still make her feel like a child. "How else do you explain why Laura's never at the Potters'?"

Ted set his newspaper aside. "Have you met Laura?"

"Only once. She was at the Potters' the first Sunday that I was there but hasn't been back since. She didn't really talk to anybody but Peter and their son, Walter."

"Have you thought of writing to Laura and getting to know her?" Andromeda asked, as she flipped Remus's trousers over to finish re-hemming them.

Tonks snorted. "What am I supposed to say to her? 'Hey, Laura, do you want to join the Lily Potter Hates Me Club?'"

"Is this what you call polite?" Andromeda's pressed lips and knitted brow were just as withering as when Tonks was being scolded as a girl.

"Let's not turn this into a new argument," Ted said gently, while turning first to Tonks and then to Andromeda. "Dora, your mother has a point. 'Dromeda, you know our girl. She likes to push your buttons but knows how to behave with others."

Tonks had to use all her self-control not to mutter something under her breath about pushing buttons and behaving.

"Your mum's got a point," continued Ted. "It might not hurt to write to Laura and get her perspective. Be careful with what you say about Lily, as you don't know the whole story."

"Fine," Tonks conceded. "I'll write to Laura. Maybe she'll talk to me."

"Do you need her address?" asked Ted. "She's a Mediwitch, I'm sure I've got her address somewhere around here—"

" Accio ," cast Andromeda, pointing her wand at the date book she kept in the kitchen. She flipped through the pages, cast " Wingardium leviosa " on the book, and it floated into Tonks's waiting hands. There, she saw the Pettigrews' address listed clearly.

"Weird that we had their address all this time," Tonks murmured. "I never guessed I'd know these people."

"Our world is smaller than you'd think," said Andromeda, as she summoned a pot of ink, a quill, and a roll of parchment. Ted whistled and the family owl, Hyacinth, came to the windowsill to await her next delivery.

Tonks unfurled the roll of parchment and stared at the blank sheet for several seconds. As loath as she was to acknowledge it, she was glad that she was at her parents' home. It took less than a minute for Andromeda to set everything aside and help Tonks craft a short message to Laura Pettigrew, asking if she would be open to meet so that they could befriend one another. If all else failed, at least Tonks could say she gave it her best.

20 October 1991

Peter wasn't able to keep a secret.

Remus stood, eyes closed, as James and Sirius thought of ways to woo Tonks. Remus regretted opening his stupid mouth. It wouldn't be long before Lily and Amelia knew, and then all his friends would be pitying him and his loveless state. If he was especially unlucky (and he believed he was), Tonks would find out and the humiliation would last as long as their marriage.

"Just tell her how you feel, mate," said James, for the fifth time.

"Take her to dinner first," Sirius said. "Didn't she say she wanted to go on dates?"

"Not exactly," Remus said, sighing. "She said something about her friend going on dates and then asked if I'd been on many dates before we got married."

James grinned conspiratorially. "What'd you tell her?"

"The truth." Remus closed his eyes again. "Not many, none with the right women, happy I'm married to her instead."

"She asked for a reason," Sirius mused aloud. "She wanted to know something."

Remus stuffed his hands in his pockets. "It doesn't matter. She hasn't said much else to me all week. She's been off to see her friends, her parents, I don't know who else. She had dinner with someone yesterday but didn't tell me who."

James frowned. "Does she usually tell—"

"Yes," Remus cut off. "And I don't want to—"

"Could've been a work thing," Sirius said. "Top-secret Auror business."

"Or a surprise for you," said James, wiggling his brow at Remus.

"Why not both?" Sirius matched James's grin.

Peter had the decency to stay quiet as James and Sirius began solving the mysterious lunch. Remus, meanwhile, wanted to crawl into a hole. He'd barely seen his wife since the conversation on his pitiful past romances, and then she'd gone off to have dinner with someone right as he'd got home from work. And, of everything Tonks had asked of him, there was one statement that stood out to him: " It's okay if you wanted me to be someone else. I just wanted to know if you fancied someone else."

Remus had assumed that there wasn't anyone Tonks had fancied; if she had, she would've married someone else. Maybe she had harbored feelings for another man who wasn't available. It simply hadn't crossed his mind that she could have feelings for someone who wouldn't return them. What man in his right mind wouldn't fall for her? Had some past lover emerged from the woodwork to sweep her off her feet?

"Daddy, Daddy, Daddy!" Walter Pettigrew came dashing from the treehouse the Potters had in their garden. "Look, Daddy! Mummy's here!"

All four men turned to where Walter was pointing. Remus blinked back his surprise upon seeing Laura Pettigrew walking up the path to the garden. He turned back to Peter, whose wide eyes indicated his own surprise at seeing his wife.

"Laura," Peter said, shocked, "I thought you were visiting your sister."

"I left early," Laura replied. She glanced at Remus for a moment, and then peered into the kitchen window. "I'll join the girls in the kitchen for an hour or so, see how Lily's pregnancy is coming along."

Peter looked as dumbfounded as Remus felt. James and Sirius were just as mystified, given their matching, baffled expressions, and Laura said nothing else as she slipped through the door to the kitchen.

"Mate—" James began.

"No idea," Peter said, staring at the space where his wife had stood. "Haven't the foggiest."

Remus craned his neck to look inside the kitchen. He met Amelia's gaze, and with a smirk, she pointed her wand at the window and shut the blinds.

"Your wife is diabolical," James said to Sirius, as a shimmer of magic fell over the windows and doors, preventing any of the men from hearing what the witches were saying.

"You think Amelia did that?" Sirius snorted. "That's got Lily written all over it."

"Amelia did shut the blinds," said Remus.

"I saw Lily point her wand at the door," Peter added.

"There's a way to tell these things," James said, with his playful smile returning. "Just watch." He sauntered up to the house, flourished his wand, and cast a spell to lift the charms.

" ACK!"

James was flipped backwards, landing squarely in Sirius's chest, which knocked him to the ground.

"What the—" James scrambled to get to his feet.

"Let me try," Sirius grumbled, pushing James off forcibly.

Remus stepped aside and watched Sirius try the same anti-charm work, only to be blasted back with air from the house. The laughter of several children in the treehouse indicated the men had an audience. Remus snickered to himself, as did Peter.

"That's not Lily's work," James said. He wiped off the grass stains from his robes and scowled at the door.

"Not Amelia's either," said Sirius, as he rubbed his chest. "Doesn't feel like her magic."

James and Sirius looked expectantly at Peter and Remus.

"No clue," Peter said. "Remus?"

Remus was at a loss for words. He didn't know Tonks well enough to know how her magic felt, and she didn't use much magic in their home for him to have enough experience.

"Your guess is as good as mine," replied Remus. Keeping his distance from the house, he cast a Spell Detection Charm, which revealed a number of spells cast on the side of the house. Some he knew he could undo quickly, but others weren't familiar to him. He contemplated trying one of the charms James or Sirius had tried, but he was close enough to the next full moon that it wasn't worth the trouble.

"Pete, you try," James goaded.

Peter hesitated. Remus took him by the shoulder before he went further. "It's not worth it," said Remus. "We'll ask them when they're done."

"Where's the fun in that?" asked James.

"Our arses don't get kicked," Sirius replied. He looked up at the house and then back at the others. "I'm with Moony on this one. One of them will tell us."

"Not Laura," Peter snorted.

Sirius grinned devilishly. "I can get Amelia to talk."

James elbowed Sirius in the ribs and teased, "I bet I can get Lily to talk faster."

Remus folded his arms over his chest and rolled his eyes. "You're both delusional."

"Delusional or determined?" James quipped.

Remus thought they were delusional and determined, but as he didn't care to see James or Sirius place bets on who could get their wife to tell the truth faster, he suggested they think of the nearby children and join them in their games of make-believe.

There would be plenty of time before the witches took mercy on them.