Helluva Dad
Season 2
Volume 8: The Full Moon
The first thing she felt was her entire body hurting.
As Jane's eyelids cracked open, the harsh sunlight blinded her, so she used an arm to shield her vision. She returned to her feet with stiff and painful movements, leaning on the nearest rock for support. Her head hurt.
Damn it, what happened? Her memory was quite blurry. She faintly recalled hiding from the annoying deer cherub, then the Gates of Heaven opening for some C.H.E.R.U.B. employees. Then she made a run for it...
Jane snapped her eyes open. She looked around. Green foliage, clouds up in the sky, animals attacking each other, the awful stench of a nearby city—the crater hole in the spot where she'd crashed seemed to confirm it, but there was only one way to be sure.
Jane took a deep breath, inflating her lungs as much as possible.
"FUUUUUUUCK!"
The echo was so potent that all the nearby birds and animals fled, startled.
Jane stood there, panting heavily to recover her breath while her brain processed the fact that she'd just screamed a 'forbidden' word without a 'filtering sound.' It just came out naturally.
She began to laugh.
"I did it! I fucking did it! HELL, YEAH! Take that, you titless mutant deer!"
Before Jane knew it, she threw every insult and curse word in her vocabulary as she collapsed onto the grassy ground, laughing hysterically. She'd finally done it. She was free from that Stepford-smiling utopia. Now, all she had to do was find a way to return to Hell.
Once the initial euphoria had passed, Jane got back on her feet and took off—those wings were the one thing she liked about her new Cherub form—to check the surrounding area. There was a city not far away, the perfect place to look for Satanist cults and such.
It couldn't be that hard.
TWO WEEKS LATER...
"SATAN FUCKING DAMMIT!"
In frustration, Jane threw the chalk against the wall at yet another failed portal. If she still had her tail, it'd be whipping behind her as she stomped around her makeshift lair at a construction site. The walls were plastered with anagrams, screenshots from occult websites, torn pages from demonology books, and failed attempts at making a portal to Hell.
Up until now, she hadn't realized how stupid humans truly were. They treated interdimensional travel like a kid's game. Most of the 'portals' that did work led to small pockets in between dimensions or summoned entities from other realms. She didn't want to remember how the 'elevator game' went.
Her stomach growled. She's been so focused on this shit that she forgot she hasn't had breakfast.
Jane checked the latest wallet she'd stolen from a passerby. She had only one dollar left, which was not enough to buy a snack, let alone a meal.
She picked up the thick trench coat and fedora hat she'd stolen from a passerby at a café. Jane ensured the wings and halo were hidden before going out the door. The last thing she needed was a bunch of supernatural investigators on her trail again.
As it turns out, Earth isn't that much different from Hell, so pickpocketing some poor idiots was a piece of cake. On good days, she got at least $200. Today, she managed to gather a reasonable $60. That was enough for some food. Jane devoured the hot dog and fries she purchased shortly after. It didn't taste that bad, but she couldn't wait to taste hellboar sausages and Wrathian steak again. Perhaps she could get one once she finds Clayton and...
Jane looked down, hundreds of questions racing through her mind. Had her baby survived? What name had Clayton picked for him? He must be around nine years old now... How would the two of them react when she returned? What if Clayton had moved on...? Her body stiffened at the thought, fingers touching the necklace around her neck: his wedding present, which somehow accompanied her in her 'transition' to Heaven.
The possibility did cross her mind a few times. Clayton was a strong, good-looking Imp. He had countless fan girls back in the day. Who's to say he wouldn't find another wife after she died? But the thought of another woman playing 'mom' to her son made her blood boil. She better have been a goddamn good mom to her baby.
"My baby! Someone save my baby!"
Usually, Jane wouldn't give a damn about what happened to humans. Still, the word 'baby' kicked her maternal instincts into action, and she sprung to her feet just in time to see a stroller rolling down the street and towards the city's industrial area. With one swift movement, Jane ran to the middle of the road and spread her arms out, stopping the stroller in its tracks.
But something felt off. As far as Jane knew, human babies are noisy and sensitive to rough movements and sounds that might awaken them from their naps. Yet this one hadn't even made a peep despite his stroller probably having raced through a boisterous city.
"Oh, thank you! Thank you!" Jane was abruptly pulled into a hug by a woman in a hat and trenchcoat similar to hers. "How can I ever repay you?"
Trusting her instincts paid off. In the corner of her eye, she spotted a glowing hand reaching out from her stroller to her coat's pocket. In the blink of an eye, Jane had thrown the 'woman' away and kicked the stroller toward a nearby alley. It crashed against some trash bins and overturned, knocking out its occupant: a glowing child with a halo and wings.
Jane stared down at him in shock. A Cherub? What the fuck–?
Someone grabbed her from behind. The momentary distraction had allowed the 'mother' to sneak up on her. However, Jane realized she was held by the chest and down at her legs. Still, it didn't take the seasoned fighter less than five seconds to throw them off her, just as she'd done many times.
The upper Cherub—a yellow sheep—had taken hold of Jane's hat and tore it off her head as she was thrown forward, revealing her halo. The three angelic creatures stared at her in shock.
"Wait, you... are a Cherub too?!"
Jane hurriedly snatched her hat from the yellow Cherub, put it back on, and tried to leave, but the third Cherub—a purple sheep—blocked her path.
"W-Wait! Why are you here? Did you get kicked out of Heaven too?" he asked.
Kicked out of Heaven, huh? So there is a way to get out of there.
"What's it to you?" Jane spat. "I was just trying to get by until you dickheads tried to steal my money."
The yellow sheep flew up to her face. "Hey, it's not our fault you had to bump into our business!" she snapped.
"Look who's talking, the bitches who go around scamming people."
"We're not scamming, we're helping people." the child Cherub butted in. "We just provide them with opportunities to be selfless and heroic."
Jane raised an eyebrow. And people say demons are shitty.
"Well, good luck with your little scheme. If you'll excuse me–"
"Wait, wait, wait!" the child Cherub blocked her path. "Sorry, we haven't introduced ourselves. I'm Cletus, and those are Keenie and Collin."
"I don't freaking care."
"You want to get back into Heaven, too, right? Then we could join forces! More people means we can save more souls!" Cletus pulled Jane and the other two in by the shoulders. "Before you know it, we'll earn our way back!"
Jane squirmed out of the hold. "Forget it. I have more important things to–"
Something prickled on the back of her neck. Alarmed, Jane grabbed the object and realized it was a tranquilizing dart. Oh, fuck!
She tried to run, but whatever substance it had took effect almost immediately, and she collapsed. The last thing she saw was a pair of black shoes.
...
Once her consciousness returned, Jane realized she was in a sort of interrogatory room, not unlike the ones she and Clayton had been put into a few times in the past. Well, almost. These walls were a very dark olive green with no blood splatters. And just like that time, she was tied up to a chair. Instead of Clayton, her 'accomplices' were the Cherubs tied up in high chairs.
Wonderful.
"What? Where are we?"
"Are you okay, miss?" Collin asked. Jane glared at him.
"I was until you three got me captured by... Whoever these fuckers are."
A man wearing a black suit and matching sunglasses pointed the lamp at them. "We ask the questions here, hellspawn." he hissed.
"But I'm just a little baby! Why would you–?" Cletus's pitiful attempt at getting 'sympathy points' via cute face ended up with his head being slammed into the table by another human—this one a female.
"Drop the bullshit! We know you're working for that demon filth!"
"Hellspawn? Demon filth? Do the wings and halo look remotely demonic, you peabrains?" Jane scoffed. The lamp was aimed at her face, forcing her to close her eyes shut.
"You might be a shapeshifting demon posing as an angel to trick us!" They weren't entirely wrong about it, except for the shapeshifting part. "Where's your boss?"
"My...boss?"
The man slammed various sheets with doodles right in front of her. "These guys!"
The doodles depicted creatures that Jane recognized as Imps. But the one that caught her eye the most was that of an imp in cowboy clothing with a snake face, mustache, and barbed tail. "W-Where did you...?"
"You know that snake face?" Keenie asked, almost incredulously, as she spotted the cowboy imp doodle.
Wait, how does a Cherub know Clayton? And these humans? It can only mean that he's come to Earth before. Why? How? Did he get his hands on an Asmodean crystal?
"So that's his name..."
"That 'boss' is an Imp. We–They are the bottom feeders of Hell. I don't know what exactly he did to fuck you over, but you probably deserved it..." Jane paused when she realized the Cherubs and humans were looking at her. "What?"
"How do you know that?" Keenie asked, eyes narrowed with suspicion.
Jane frowned. "You've never seen an Imp before? Don't they teach it at Heaven Elementary?"
"Well, some books have pictures of demons, but they didn't exactly look like that." Collin clarified.
"Wait a minute. If you are angels, why are you looking for a bunch of demons?"
If these humans know the existence of demons and angels, they might have a way into Hell that works. If that's the case, it might be best to play along with them until she can return home.
"We just want to get back into–"
"I'm an exorcist!" Jane blurted out, interrupting Collin. "Well, I used to be one until that Adam dick kicked me out because I refused to fuck with him."
"Y-Yeah, what she said! We're the flaming swords of the Heavens, here to strike demons down with a fiery vengeance!" Cletus butted in yet again.
Keenie joined in. "Yeah, yeah! We lay in wait for them to return to Earth so we might smite them once and for all!"
"What are you guys talking about–OOWW!" Collin yelled in pain as one of his colleagues kicked him beneath the table.
This seemed to be convincing enough for the two humans, judging by their smirks.
"...Maybe you don't have to wait."
"Come with us."
The gang crossed the portal back into the office, leaving behind yet another bloody carnage.
"Nice shooting there, Mox, pro as usual! You have to teach me those tricks with the lasso, Strikes! Millie and Jakey, beautiful bloody mess in there." Blitzo flexed out his muscles. "What a great fucking day this is!"
Striker could tell that Blitzo was in a very good mood. He hasn't made fun of Moxxie for the entire day.
"You sure seem in good spirits today, sir. It's rare to see you wear something..." Moxxie trailed off, trying to find an appropriate word.
"Presentable," Striker suggested.
"Thank you, Striker."
"First of all, fuck you. It's the full moon, I got to meet up with Stolas tonight." Ah, that explains it. "Felt like dressing up a little since it's been a few months since I've been inside of his feathered ass."
"A few months? That's a record." Jake said.
"Yeah, the bird started giving me more ways out of our monthly fuck-sesh."
"Why?" Striker asked.
"I don't know, I didn't bother to ask. Point being: tonight I feel like could use a little fuckery. It's been a good day; feeling like my stamina is up. And I'm horny."
"Oh, shit. He's getting bored of you."
All eyes turned to Loona. For once, she wasn't looking down at her phone.
"Whaat?"
The hellhound shrugged. "Yeah, man. If someone wants to see you less and less, big red flag. If they give you chances to ditch, they probably want out themselves. It's like whenever Jake got a new toy and then lost interest two days later."
"It was two weeks, thank you very much." the teen murmured while stuffing some leftover body parts that came through the portal into a bag with Millie.
Blitzo laughed nervously. "Well, tits. Guess I finally gotta do Position 37 tonight."
"What's position 37?"
"Ask your daddy, Jakey. His contract says I can't tell you anything involving sex until you're eighteen or until you lose your V-card, whatever happens first."
Jake murmured that he couldn't wait to grow up.
Blitzo picked up the grimoire from the desk. "Don't worry, though, this book ain't going nowhere if I have anything to fuck about it. I'll dick him so good, he'll let us keep this thing another year easy."
"That'd be nice, Blitz. Business has been boomin' these weeks, and the last thing we need is losin' it." Striker raised his cup of water. "So ye better fuck 'im good."
"Don't worry, Strikes. By the end of the night, I'll have Stolas eating out of my ass... if the gag will let him! Eh?"
Striker raised an eyebrow while Moxxie blushed deeply. "Stop!"
"Grow up, Mox, you sound like Jakey. That's what adults do, we're horny. How else would you put the bun in Millie's oven?" Blitzo searched through his chest of sex toys. As time went on, his expression soured. "Fuuck me, boys! We've used, like, all the shit in this box!" Blitzo discarded a horse-tail toy. "I need to up the ante. Strikes, I need you to hold down the fort. Have Moxxie get some overdue paperwork done."
"What overdue paperwork?" Moxxie inquired. Before leaving, Blitzo dumped a mountain of papers on top of him.
"Ye're lucky I already took care of half that pile, Mox," Striker said.
"Can people grow 'bored' in a relationship?" Jake asked while helping his father pick and sort the pile.
"It ain't that simple, pup. Sometimes, couples change as time passes, and... They realize they no longer enjoy each other's company."
"Why?"
"If we listed the number of external and internal factors contributing to a relationship's failure, we'd be stuck here till Sunday." Moxxie pointed out.
Striker ruffled Jake's hair. "Ye're still ripe, pup. Ye don't have to worry about any of that."
Suddenly, Millie dropped one of the disposal bangs with a small gasp of pain. Moxxie was instantly by her side. "What's wrong?"
"It's fine, I'm fine..." Millie assured. Still, Moxxie helped her sit down. "Just a another cramp."
Striker offered her a glass of water. "Ye shouldn't push herself too hard, Mildred. Ye're body's makin' space for the little tot. It requires proper rest."
"Thank you, Striker! That's what I've been telling her." Moxxie said.
"It's not that bad, Mox. The doctor said the cramps were normal." Millie changed the topic. "Do you think Blitz will be okay?"
"Chill out, Mildred. He's been fuckin' Stolas for a while now. He knows what to do."
"But that was when Prince Charming was head-over-heels for him. With how he's been skipping the 'monthly fucking', it might not be enough." Loona pointed out.
Moxxie scoffed. "What do you suggest, then? Stalk Blitz to make sure he doesn't screw up?"
"...I was gonna suggest we have Striker disguise as Blitz and fuck Stolas in his stead, but your idea is better."
The cowboy choked on the mouthful of coffee he'd been drinking. "The fuck, Loona?!" He snapped, face a deeper shade of pink.
"What? You look like you could fuck a Goetia. I'm surprised you're still single."
"First of all, that's gross. Secondly, I have a strict rule about getting sexually involved with blue bloods. And thirdly..."
"You're still head-over-heels over your dead wife even though she's been dead for thirteen years, I know." Loona shrugged. "Guess we'll have to follow Blitz, then."
"Since their assault on compound X, our government has quadrupled our funding and allowed us unfettered access to the most bleeding edge military advancements."
For a moment, Jane thought she was in one of the sci-fi movies about men in black and aliens. Instead of aliens, these humans fought demons—or so they intended. All around the moving platform, she could see planes, weapons, and battalions of priests marching far beneath until it entered a laboratory lined with cells and test tubes. Wow. These people were prepared for anything.
"Demonic containment cells, hellfire suppression suits, camouflage exoskeletons," on the left side, five capsules lit up and revealed four high-tech-looking suits with a demonic aesthetic... and a hellhound costume. "And a battalion of highly-trained combat priests!" The platform stopped in front of a control panel at the feet of a large, circular contraption. "All so we could utilize this."
"What is it?" Cletus asked.
Agent Two grinned and pressed the biggest button on the control panel. "Our ticket to the other side."
"This bad boy will allow us to open a door straight into Hell, where we plan on eliminating the demonic threat before they can tarnish this great country...!" Jane felt a shiver down her spine as the machine whirred to life, forming a laser pentagram that spun so quickly that it created a fiery portal. "Well, once we work out all the kinks, yeah."
Jane didn't like the sound of that. "What do you mean 'kinks'?"
The impressive portal suddenly shrank to a smaller one, about the size of a pipe drain.
"So far, we've only been able to open the portal about three feet in diameter—barely big enough to fit a child through."
"And we can't very well send children... Not after last time." Agent One sniffled and saluted. "Those goddamn American heroes..."
"Point is, we could use someone or someones with more... experience." Jane shivered in disgust when Agent Two pulled her close by the shoulder. "How about it, guys? Wanna help us hunt some demon scum?"
Jane stared at the now-tiny portal. Did it really lead to Hell? If so, this could be her chance to return home.
"FUCK YEAH!" she was somewhat surprised as Keenie and Cletus yelled alongside her. Guess they must really have beef with Clayton's gang.
She was assigned Demon Exoskeleton 004. On closer inspection, its overall design vaguely resembled her husband's body shape and attire, including the barbed tail, jacket, and boots aesthetic. Even the helmet had the vague shape of his head. Much to her surprise, it fit her like a glove. Jane found herself toying with the tail a bit—Heck, it felt so good to have a tail again! The tip turned out very sharp, accidentally slicing through a nearby desk.
In the meantime, the other Cherubs were already testing out their own 'exoskeletons, with Cletus firing a missile to blow an Imp-shaped target and Keenie doing some impressive maneuvers with the jet propellers.
Jane began slipping out of the suit.
"Um... What are you doing?" she heard Collin ask shyly.
"In case you haven't noticed, that portal is two feet long. I wouldn't fit in there with the suit on," Jane pointed out matter-of-factly. Surprisingly, Collin heeded her words and began slipping out of his suit.
"So... H-How is it like in Hell?"
"They don't teach you in angel school?"
"Not really. That info is restricted to everyone but the Exorcists and the Elders."
Oh, right. There was even a silly song about 'we don't talk about Hell' and all that shit. On the bright side, she could use their lack of knowledge of Hell to get rid of them and then find her family.
"Just don't poke your nose into other people's business, and you'll live," Jane said dryly.
Picking up her suit with her shoulder, Jane headed toward the portal when Agent Two stopped her. "Here," she said, handing the Cherub a red device with a small screen.
"What's this?"
"It's a tracking device. It's programmed to track the demonic essence of one of the demon filth. It should lead you right to him." The human explained.
Hopefully, this Imp will lead her to Clayton and her son.
Her heartbeat was racing inside her chest as she approached the tiny portal. First, she pushed her suit piece by piece into the interdimensional hole. Then, with a deep breath, she tucked her wings close to her body and slipped through. When she came out on the other side, she was under a navy blue sky adorned with pink lights and a mild rain shower. She approached the building's edge and saw endless shops with neon signs and many succubi and incubi night workers.
She's in the Lust Ring.
The Imp-turned-Cherub wiped the tears from her eyes—home, at last.
Going to their old cabin in Wrath would be the easiest thing, but Clayton might not even live there anymore. And it's not like she can go around asking their old acquaintances who most likely think she's still dead. Damn it, she hadn't yet considered how Clayton would react when he saw her alive and kicking—in a way.
CLANG!
Jane was briefly startled by the echo of metal clashing into the ground. The Cherubs had slipped through the portal and pulled their armored suits through it. Damn it, she'd almost forgotten about them.
"Couldn't you be any more noisier?!" she hissed.
She better find a way to get rid of them before looking for Clayton. For the time being, she slipped back into her suit—it's best not to go around as an angel in Hell. Countless demons would love to get their dirty hands on them.
Flying with the suit's jet propellers differed from flying with her wings, but at least she fared better than Collin. Keenie carried him as they followed Jane around Lust's skyline. She better find a way to get rid of the angelic shits.
Jane looked down at the tracking device. Her best shot would be to find this Imp and follow him around until he leads her to her husband—and, hopefully, her son.
The tracker led her to a building with a dome window—judging from the sign, it was a candle shop. After landing on the rooftop, Keenie unceremoniously dropped Collin to the ground as they landed behind Jane.
She recognized one of the Imps from the humans' doodles—the one with the big curved horns—as he spoke with the shopkeeper.
"Is snakeface there?!"
Cursing under her breath, Jane pulled Collin and Keenie away from the window before the demons noticed them.
"You never peek like that, you idiots! You'd be surprised at how quickly some demons can draw their guns and shoot your brains out!"
She was one of said individuals, after all.
"That one wasn't with the others before! That thing isn't working!"
Jane raised the tracker away from Cletus. "That doesn't mean he isn't part of their group. The humans doodled him alongside the others, so he was with them when they attacked," she said matter-of-factly. "We should follow him for a while. He might lead us to the others."
"But if we don't do this, we'll never get back into Heaven!" Keenie snapped impatiently.
"Which is why we have to make sure this goes smoothly! We only have one shot; it has to be perfect. She was an exterminator, so she knows what she's doing!" Cletus retorted.
Jane couldn't wait to get rid of these little shits.
And so, they followed the Imp around for a while. His shopping spree mainly involved sex toys, lingerie, and such. He probably was going to meet up with someone. Sadly, she couldn't stop her 'charges' from following their target into the store—just in time to see him come out with more bags.
Jane didn't bother to wait for the Cherubs and followed him through the rooftops, eventually leading her to Ozzie's—from here, she dropped to the sidewalk and hid in one of the bigger bushes to look closer. The Imp met up with someone—it took Jane a while to recognize Fizzarolli without his clown paraphernalia. The two went into the backdoor. Well, guess she'd have to wait.
In the meantime, Jane watched the couples entering and exiting the club. Clayton had never liked coming to this place, and she couldn't really blame him. His mother had worked there, and running into her former employer was the last thing he wanted.
"What the Hell?! You left us behind!"
Jane cursed under her breath as the Cherubs joined her in the bush. So close!
"I wasn't going to lose the target while you three went sightseeing," she lied.
"Heavens, what is this place? It's so heavily guarded." Collin said when he saw the long line to enter and two bodyguards outside.
"A-Armory? War room?"
"You've never seen a nightclub?" Jane inquired semi-sarcastically.
"Don't be ridiculous! Why would Hellspawn have nightclubs?"
This time, she did roll her eyes at Keenie's comment. "Contrary to what the propaganda says, demons' aren't constantly 'scheming to bring Heaven down.' They want to get by."
"Why would you know that much about their worthless lives when you just go around and kill them?"
Thankfully, Collin distracted them from the argument. "I think he's coming out–OH GOD! What's that?!"
Jane tore Collin's binoculars from his helmet to take a look. Fizarolli was driving a forklift with a giant dildo, then shrank it down to pocket size with a button. Wow, Asmodeus has been very busy these nine years. She briefly wondered if Clayton would like to try it out.
"It's just a dildo, you big crybaby. It's just to spice things up in bed. Didn't your parents ever give you the 'birds and bees' talk?"
Cletus and Keenie took turns glimpsing through Collin's binoculars—judging from their faces, they never received 'The Talk.' "He's going to use THAT? On an innocent person? We have to stop him now!" the latter exclaimed.
"Are you nuts?! If you alert him, he'll escape and we'll never find the others!" Jane growled.
"Big deal! We'll drag him back to Earth so the humans can get their location out of him." Cletus stood up from the bush, exposing himself to some curious passerby. "Okay, it's time. Now's our moment. For the humans, for the heavens, and most of all for us! LET'S GO KICK SOME ASS!"
Jane smacked her helmet, cursing the Cherub's stupidity as he propelled himself upward.
…and then got knocked to the ground by a flash of red: a female Imp wielding an axe.
"W-What? How did you–" Collin was cut off by a hellhound that pinned him to the ground.
"Find you? We were already following our dumbass boss to make sure he doesn't fuck up and lose our meal ticker."
Keenie tried to attack the hellhound but was stopped in her tracks by rapid gunfire by another Imp—this one a freckled male—that stepped out from the shadows.
"And you weren't exactly covert." he sneered.
A female Imp with an axe, a freckled male, and a female hellhound with long hair. Wait, they matched the humans' doodles! This means–
Something wrapped around Jane's arms and pulled her out of the bush. A lasso. One she recognized. The perpetrator was an impling with snake-like features and golden eyes with dark green rings around the pupils that pressed his boot down into her chest, pinning her to the floor.
Jane's heartbeat sped up, eyes widening behind the visor. Those eyes…
"Hey, Dad, looks like they got a new 'friend'."
Dad?
NEEEIGH!
Jane whipped her head to the sound of hooves pounding on the pavement just in time to see a dark hellhorse with orange flames rear up.
Riding him was none other than...
"You!" Cletus yelled, pointing an angry finger at him.
Clayton chuckled and jumped off Bombproof. "Well, well, well. Ye got a lot of nerve comin' to our neighborhood after the ass-kickin' ye got last time. How did ya get here, anyway? Did ya finish yet another job for us?"
"A lotta nerve and a LOTTA upgrades, snakeface!"
Cletus stretched his robotic arm and struck the hellhound's face, knocking her off Collin. Then, he fired a missile at the axe-wielding Imp. She dodged it, but the explosion sent her flying into a shop. Two more missiles forced the freckled Imp to retreat.
"Get snakeface!"
But Jane was utterly numb to the following battle. Her attention was entirely focused on the impling on top of her ever since he referred to Clayton as 'Dad.' Her eyes swelled with tears as she recognized him from the briefest moment she managed to see him so many years ago after he'd been cut out of her.
"Jake...?"
The impling—her son—looked down at her, eyes widening in confusion. "How do ya know my–?"
Out of nowhere, he was punched off her by Cletus's robotic arm with such force that he flew right into the nearest shop's window display, shattering glass all over the floor.
"Jake!"
Jane sprung to her feet, maternal instinct overruling everything else. But before she could approach her fallen child, Bombproof got in between them, reading up with an angry shriek. She had to step back to avoid getting trampled.
"Bombproof, no! It's me!"
The stallion's ears flickered forward, and his shrieks abruptly stopped. Somehow, he saw her eyes through the helmet's visor and met her gaze. Tentatively, Jane reached out a hand, and he took a sniff. His flames soothed down, and he gave her a soft nicker.
Click!
Jane rolled out of the way just in time as Clayton fired a wave of bullets at her, barely managing to find refuge behind some explosion debris.
"Get yer filthy angelic hand off my horse, bitch!"
"Clayton, wait! I don't want to fight you!" Jane blurted out.
Silence. Then, a humorless chuckle. "Now ye angelic shits do background checks?"
Sweet Satan, this isn't the reunion she had in mind. She had to find a way to talk to him.
"Boo."
Again, she barely jumped off her hiding spot right before Clayton's blessed knife dug into the concrete. He effortlessly pulled it back out, tail rattling as he bore his eyes on her.
"Ye must be the newbie. Ye weren't with the little shits before." he licked his shops. "Ye're quite far from home, aren't ya?"
"Clayton, please stop! It's me, Jane!"
Clayton stopped in his tracks, eyes widening in shock. For a moment, he just stood frozen, staring at her. Joyous hope fluttered in Jane's breast… Until he pulled out his revolvers and aimed right at her. She barely had time to dodge the barrage of bullets shot her way.
Clayton's pupils had turned into two crimson slits; his face twisted into an angry snarl.
"Don't ye fuckin' dare speak her name!"
He came at her, tail rattling. Jane had no choice but to dodge his knife and bullets.
"Clayton, please listen–!"
"Shut yet tongue or I'm slicin' it into bacon and feedin' it to my horse!"
If not for the helmet, Jane was sure she would've lost a tooth when Clayton's fist delivered a punch to her face, cracking the visor on impact.
It's no use. Clayton won't listen to her when all he sees is an angel. She'll have to show him the only way she could think of if words don't reach him.
Jane took off the helmet and threw it aside, revealing her face. Clayton briefly stared at her in shock—to her disappointment, it wasn't for the reason she'd hoped.
"Don't think I'm goin' easy on ya just because ye're a bitch!" he snarled.
She took a fighting stance. "Bring it on, cowboy."
She'd told him that phrase so many times in the past during their nights of passion, but on this occasion, it seemed to trigger his already volatile temper; he completely forsook his pistols and went all out on her with his bare hands.
He was noticeably caught off guard when Jane countered his punches, kicks, and movements. He wasn't expecting an angel to have suck skill in combat. Jane let him grab her from behind, only to dig her elbow into his rib and use her robotic tail to knock him off his feet.
"Is that all you've got, sheriff?" she teased.
Again, her choice of words struck Clayton's nerve, and he lunged at her. Expecting it, Jane let him tackle her, then impulsed herself with her back and legs—with the wings giving her an extra boost, to roll them both over a few times until she ended up on top of him just like she'd done so many times back when they were children.
She met her husband's stunned eyes.
"Got ya again."
The two stayed in that position for minutes, oblivious to the fight between their respective groups.
Come on, Clayton. Figure it out.
Suddenly, Clayton's knee struck her in the groin—being a woman, it didn't hurt that much, but it distracted Jane for a few seconds, long enough for Clayton to twirl them to the side so he was the one on top of her.
Caught off guard, Jane tried to speak, but Clayton closed his hands around her throat tightly. In a panic, she flailed her legs and grasped his wrists, choking desperately for air, trying to speak his name.
"Ye have no idea how long I waited to kill an angel ever since you fuckers took my wife from me." Clayton sneered, practically drooling as the rings around his pupils thickened. Jane's flailing slowed down as her vision began to blur. "Don't worry. I'll make sure those pretty wings are put to good use."
Dammit, Clayton... You look so hot even though you're about to kill me…
NEEIGH!
Clayton's hands abruptly released their grip on her neck. Jane gasped and coughed, inhaling for precious air.
"The fuck, Bombproof?!"
Bombproof was standing protectively over her. Clayton was on the ground a few steps away, giving the stallion an incredulous look.
"Let go of me, bitch!"
Jane turned her head when she heard Jake's voice just in time to see Keenie taking off into the night sky, the squirming impling in her grip.
"JAKE!"
She shouted simultaneously with Clayton. He forgot all about her and hopped onto Bombproof, following after them on the ground.
Cletus cried out. The female Imp had sliced one of his robotic arms and turned on his jet propellers, shooting off into the sky shortly after.
Jane didn't think about it. She shot off into the sky and flew after Keenie. If that bitch lays a hand on her son...!
She nearly caught up just in time to see the female Imp jump off Cletus and onto Keenie, with the former's propulsors shutting down. Jane barely managed to move as Cletus dove to the ground with a loud, girly scream.
PAM!
A bullet narrowly missed Jane's armored leg. Looking down, she saw Clayton still giving chase on Bombproof, aiming a blessed tip rifle—her rifle—at Keenie.
He still has it...?
A blessed bullet struck Keenie's armored shoulder, causing her to let go of Jake.
The free-falling impling screamed.
Jane dove down after him, propulsors working at their maximum capacity. In the blink of an eye, she caught him in her arms. Jake met her gaze; his eyes were bright gold like hers but with Clayton's green rings around the pupils.
Perhaps it was from the fright and pure instinct after he narrowly died, but Jake clung to her neck, eyes squinted shut. Jane swore her eyes were tearing up as she realized she was holding her son for the first time.
PAM!
A bullet struck her suit's wing, tearing it in half, and instantly threw them off balance. The system beeped in alarm as Jane spiraled downwards toward the ground.
Realizing what was coming, Jane pulled Jake close to her body, shielding him as much as possible. Somehow, she slipped her wing out of the suit and wrapped it around Jake for more cushioning.
Then, she closed her eyes shut and prepared for the impact.
CRASH!
Jake…!
…over there…!
The echo of distant, frightened voices somehow brought Jake out of semi-unconsciousness. When he tried to sit up, his entire body stung with pain. It was as if an avalanche of bricks had crushed him.
As his mind—partially blurred from the previous fright and the pain—cleared up, he realized something was wrapped around him: a pair of protective blue arms. Startled, Jake's first instinct was to move away, freeing himself from his saving grace in the process.
It was then that he saw his savior: the blue angel. Her suit had taken most of the damage and had broken on impact, exposing her body and wings—one of the latter seemed broken. She was unmoving, but her chest was still rising and deflating. She's alive. The crash must have knocked her out.
Jake stared at her bruised face, an unfamiliar sensation brewing inside his chest and the back of his head.
"Jake!" another pair of arms—this time his father's—wrapped around him. "Thank Satan! I thought I'd lost you for a second!"
"I-I'm fine, Dad..." Jake whispered, for once not minding the check-up.
Why did he find her familiar?
Once Striker was sure his son was in one piece, he glared at the blue angel, blood boiling. Using Jane's name was one thing, but hurting his son crossed a line.
With that, Striker pulled out his blessed revolver. "See ya in double Hell, bitch."
NEEIGH!
For a second time, Bombproof pushed Striker to the ground, making him drop the gun. Striker hissed and growled in pain as he sat up, throwing the stallion a glare. "Not again, Bombproof!" he tried reaching out for his revolver, but Bombproof was faster and picked it up in his jaws, out of reach.
"What's going on?" Loona approached. Glancing behind her, Jake saw the collapsed top of a building, miraculously still in one piece… sort of. Thankfully, Millie had landed safely on the pool. Moxxie was checking on her, and the two ended up making out.
Bombproof let out snorts and nickers while stamping his hooves.
"What's with him?"
"That's what I'd like to know," Striker murmured.
No one saw one of the other Cherubs—the purple sheep—crawl towards the blue one and grab a device from her broken armor. It wasn't until they heard the cackling sound of energy that they turned back in her direction just in time to see her colleague barely managing to drag the blue Cherub through a tiny, two-foot-diameter portal.
Bombproof shrieked and tried to hold onto the blue Cherub's leg, but his jaws closed in empty air. With a frustrated neigh, he began circling the spot before the portal.
"Wow. You weren't kidding when you said your horse was acting strange." Loona murmured.
For the time being, Striker ignored his Bombproof's behavior. Instead, he stared at the tiny portal in shock. "Is that a portal? How is that even possible?"
Loona took some tentative steps forward. "It doesn't look 'heavenly,' so I doubt it leads there. And I doubt these sheep-fuckers got their hands on an Asmodean crystal."
Jake spotted the remaining two Cherubs a few feet away, trying to grab a phone-like device. The impling picked them up by their clothing and kicked them through the portal like footballs. With that out of their hair, Jake picked up and examined the device.
"Dad, what is this?"
Loona sniffed it. She scowled in disgust. "Ugh! It stinks of humans!"
"Humans? Do you mean… they opened this portal? But how?"
Striker grabbed the device, threw it to the ground, and stomped on it hard. The crackling portal shrank and disappeared.
He had a good idea of who might be behind this.
"Augh!"
Millie's cry of pain sent the three on edge, and they hurried over to the pool. Millie was gripping her stomach, with a concerned Moxxie holding her.
"Millie?!"
"M-Mox… The baby…!"
Striker paled when he realized the water surrounding Millie was turning black.
It's known that Imps, the lowest in the hierarchy, evolved to be resilient to pain. This is especially true for those born in Wrath—with its hostile environment and merciless climate requiring adaptability and 'big balls' to survive. The constant competition for the few resources found in the vast desert also made Wrathborns stubborn, eager to fight, and headstrong.
Being a Wrathborn herself, Jane had picked up many fights and gotten hurt throughout her life—significantly when her career shifted into assassination. She'd been shot, stabbed, cut, punched, kicked, and endured almost every type of wound known in Hell.
And yet, all of those were nothing compared to when Clayton, following her resolute instruction, sliced her abdomen open to save their baby. She could not hold back a scream of agony when the blade cut through her flesh and into her womb.
Yet, all that became a blurred dream when she heard a baby cry. As her consciousness began to fade, Jane lifted her head one more time and glanced at Clayton's hands. Through her teary eyes, she caught a glimpse of a tiny, squirming impling, taking his first breath.
Despite her life slowly ebbing away and the burning in her abdomen, Jane smiled at the sight.
"M-My baby…"
Then everything went black.…
"H-Hello?"
Her eyes cracked open, but she had to cover them from the abrupt lighting above her.
"Thank God you're awake!"
That voice… Clayton…? No, that's not him.
Once her eyes got used to the light, Jane realized she was in an infirmary. And hovering next to her bed was none other than Collin. Jolts of pain ran down her spine when she sat up.
"B-Be careful! Your wing needs rest!"
"Wha…?" Glancing back, Jane realized her right wing was in a cast, hanging on a sling from the ceiling. Likewise, her leg had a cast. "What happened? Where am I?"
"We're back at D.H.O.R.K.S."
Jane's eyes snapped open. "What?"
"The demons were too strong, we didn't... I thought we were going to– Hey, what are you…?" Collin squealed in fright when Jane got up from bed and fell to the ground when she tried getting to her feet, pushed down by the weight of her cast wing. "What are you doing?!"
"I have to get back…!"
"What?!"
"Is the portal thing still working?!" Unable to get back up completely, JAne resorted to crawling toward the door. Collin tried holding her back by the arm. "Let go, you jerk!"
"You can't go back there, not in this state! They'll kill you!"
"What's it to you?! You don't know shit about me!"
"So what?! You're still a fellow angel and I can't just watch you get yourself killed over petty revenge!" Collin snapped for the first time.
"I don't want revenge, you idiot!"
"Then why do you want to go back to Hell?!"
"I JUST WANT TO GO HOME!"
There. She said it. Jane panted heavily, tears of pain streaming down her cheeks. Then she remembered she was not alone. Collin was hovering right next to her, staring at her in confusion.
Jane closed her eyes shut, wiping her eyes. Fuck. It's too late to take it back now. To Hell with it.
"…I lied."
"W-What do you mean?"
"I am no exterminator. Satan, I'm not even an angel. I was born as an Imp in the ring of Wrath, but… A fucking exterminator injured me when I was pregnant, and I… I had to make a choice. I told my husband Clayton to save our baby, even if it meant I had to… Then I find myself up in fucking Heaven with a halo, wings, and a shitty Disney princess dress. They told me I was deemed 'worthy' of being up there. What's good in being in Heaven, knowing my family was far away from me?
"Do you know what it's like for a mother to live apart from her child? To miss his first words, his first steps…? To live without knowing whether he's okay or whether he misses her? All this time, all I ever wanted was to see them again… I wanted to hug my son, tell him I was there… That I love him with every fiber of my being… I was so fucking close…!"
Jane cursed herself as the tears began to trickle down her cheeks. She's always tried her best not to shed any tears. They're a sign of weakness, she'd often hear her father say. And yet, everyone had expected her to shed them constantly, being a 'woman' and all that. So she never cried. When upset, she would rather lash out than cry. Only when she was alone—truly alone—would she ever break down.
This was one such occasion.
"W-What…?"
Jane glanced back at Collin with a deep frown. He'd landed on the floor and was staring at her. But there was no scowl on his face or hostility in his eyes. It was… something else.
"Husband? B-Baby…? Demons can do that…?" he whispered.
"What? Did you think we just came out of the ground all grown up?" she hissed bitterly.
Collin's pupils shrunk. "…My god. Then it means…" He slid down on the ground, eyes tearing up. "It's wrong. Everything we've been told… The exterminations… It's all wrong."
Jane scoffed. "Of course, your higher-ups aren't going to tell the populace that they've been slaughtering families down in Hell. It'd ruin their 'perfect' image."
"Then… That impling you saved, and the cowboy you were fighting…"
Jane nodded. "They're my husband and son."
"But then, why would they…?"
"I'm supposed to be dead, remember? To them, I was only another angel." Jane laughed bitterly. "And it's not like I can go and say: 'Hey, honey, guess what? After you cut our baby out of me, I awoke in Heaven as an angel. But it turns out there's no phone lines to Hell to let you know, so I've spent the past thirteen years trying to escape to come back to you.'"
Collin tentatively reached out a hand. He hesitated for a while, but when Jane didn't lash out, he touched her shoulder. It was then that she finally recognized the look in his eyes. It was sympathy.
"I'm sorry."
Jane wiped her eyes. "Whatever, it's not your problem. But I need to go back."
"If you go back in that state, you won't last long."
"I was born and raised in Wrath, the harshest of the seven rings. I've gotten hurt more times than the feathers you can count on your wings. I'll be fine. I just need to find Clayton."
"Yeah, but… Think about it. You were an Imp back then, but now you're an angel. What if your body isn't as used to damage as it used to? Even if you do find Clayton… How are you going to get him to believe you? You probably tried telling him during your fight, but he wouldn't listen. If he thinks you are dead, he's not going to let go of that so easily. You should try to make a plan or think of a way to prove you're… well, you, before going after him again."
Jane hated to admit it, but… he had a point. As far as Hellborns are concerned, there's no afterlife waiting for them when they die. You kick the bucket, and you're done. It's not really a wonder why Clayton seemed to be evading or blocking out all of her hints.
She needed a real plan.
Collin helped her get up and return to her bed. "T-Thank you," she murmured, her voice devoid of its previous hostility. "So… You're going to tell your buddies?"
"Tell them what? You were asleep this whole time." Collin said with a little grin. "But how about you tell me your name in return?"
She gave him a little smile of her own. Looks like not all angels are assholes.
"My name is Jane."
It must be the first time I've ever written Jane as an MC—if you don't count volume 1, that is XD. But honestly, I liked how she turned out, and I can't wait to do more with her. Will she be able to convince her husband of who she is? Guess only time will tell.
The Cherubs don't know who Blitzo is because, if you recall, Blitzo didn't actually take part in the mission in Helluva Dad's adaptation of C.H.E.R.U.B. because he went on a trip with Loona, so Striker was in charge that time. so, the Cherubs thought he was the leader, and it's natural they'd want revenge on him rather than Blitzo, whom they haven't even met personally in this AU.
Regarding the next volume, I won't be adapting Apology Tour directly because it's a Stolitz-centered episode, and I see no purpose in introducing Striker and Jake in it. It might be mentioned in the Drabbles, but the next volume will take place in Ghostfuckers. I can't wait for you to see what I got in mind for that one!